2_Q9_ScanMag_78_July_2015_Text_JOE _Scan Magazine 1 07/07/2015 15:48 Page 97
Scan Magazine | Humour | Columns
IS IT JUST ME...
By Mette Lisby
Who feels the whole Bachelor / Bachelorette party never managed to live up to its own hype? A bit like New Years Eve, where the expected fun will always exceed the actual fun happening. It’s simple math. Some of you might remember the famous Einstein equation: F 2b E > A f h Chances are most of you won’t because I just made it up. But you get my point. Where New Years Eve is simply a matter of expecting too much, anticipating that one evening to contain the sentimental value of the year that went by, the thrill, promise and excitement of a new year to come and the actual fun of now. It’s fairly easy to see that this is an understandable matter of simple over-anticipation. However, when it comes to bachelor parties it’s the whole concept that never made any sense to me. For years when I was single, I tried to drag my in-relationship friends out for a night on the town. Every weekend begging, suggesting, arranging, but no, they had date-night, or movienight or “we’ve had a rough week” night. When I finally managed to get one friend out of
the relationship comfort zone, how often did I stand there in the bar, wishing that friend would do something? Be outgoing, talk to hip strangers, go chat up guys on my behalf. But no. Instead they spend the one night away from their relationship yapping about … their relationship. However the minute I declared that I had met the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with (strictly thanks to my own effort, thank you very much) - the minute I told my friends I was getting married, then all of a sudden they couldn’t wait to plan a night on the town for me. A crazy, fun night where they’d run up to cute strangers and ask: “Please! Do you want to kiss my girlfriend?” Where was all this action when I needed it? Had my stupid friends put just a tenth of the effort into partying like that when I was single, my bachelorette party would have been years earlier. Years where I could have been the one saying: “No, sorry, we have date-night”, when my single friends asked me out.
Summer-closed
By Maria Smedstad
Bank holidays are no good to me. As a self-employed person, they are the days that I forget about, until I’m stood outside a closed post office with a mountain of parcels in my arms and panic in my heart. They are also the days when I can’t buy emergency pens (important in my line of business), get paid, or reach my clients/employers. I’d like you to picture this scenario, except make it last for a month. This is what Sweden is like during July. In case you didn’t know - this is the time of the year that Swedes take four weeks off for their summer holiday. They don’t care that this is the busiest time of the year for many businesses, they don’t care that this is ridiculously impractical and they certainly do not give one hoot about me getting paid. Automated messages tell me in unapologetic terms that all I can do is wait until people return. No, there is no one
Mette Lisby is Denmark’s leading female comedian. She invites you to laugh along with her monthly humour columns. Since her stand-up debut in 1992, Mette has hosted the Danish versions of Have I Got News For You and Room 101.
that is manned by Swedes. We actually have a word for it: “Sommarstängt”, which literally means “Summer-closed”. I think this is why we are all so into nature. It’s the one place that remains accessible during July. You just have to remember to buy all your supplies in June, which presumably accounts for the fact that my childhood summer diet consisted largely of chocolate Nesquik, dry crackers and fish paste from a tube.
there to cover the post while they are away. Why am I not off on my holiday? You may think, “if you can’t beat them, join them!” which in theory is fine. Just don’t expect to be able to eat in a Swedish restaurant, enjoy retail therapy in a Swedish shop, or visit anything of interest
Maria Smedstad moved to the UK from Sweden in 1994. She received a degree in Illustration in 2001, before settling in the capital as a freelance cartoonist, creating the autobiographical cartoon Em. Maria writes a column on the trials and tribulations of life as a Swede in the UK.
Issue 78 | July 2015 | 97