I Defunded The Daily Targum IT

Was Me All Along

JAMES COOLEY

It was a cool 2019 mid-semester night. I had Taco Bell the day before. My tummy was rumbling and my hands were shaking. I was about to go to class and take a midterm worth 50 percent of my grade.

I had to make a decision and I had to make it quick. Do I go to the bathroom, wait in line, fail the class, graduate a year late, and pay this university $17k more just for tuition. Or do I join the brave men and women of the past, those who crossed oceans and traversed continents and shit in the Livingston nature reserve outside the business school. I knew what I had to do.

I grabbed my favorite, still in print, copy of The Daily Targum and ran into the woods like my ancestors before me. And let me tell you, The Daily Targum disappointed me. The pages were hard and thin, tearing as I put the paper to my asshole. The ink ran down my legs as I desperately tried to wipe the stream of diarrhea off my inner thigh.

From that day I swore that I will destroy the Targum for destroying my pants. I started the movement to cancel the Daily Targum and I am proud of it. I raised hell on the streets. I spray painted and put cobwebs in their boxes. After the smear that caused my smear campaign their crappy publication stopped printing. And yes, I did finish my midterm in time, although because of the Targum’s lack of absorption I had to get new dress shoes that were not overflowing with shit.

Fortunately, The Medium acts as a perfect substitue for these emergency Taco Bell runs. Thank god for the silky, smooth, pages of The Medium.

YOUR VOICE The Daily Medium welcomes submissions from all readers. Due to space limitations, letters to the editor must not be exceed 500 words; we do make exceptions for letters of length between 575 and 600 words. And if it goes above 850, at least try to keep it below 915 words. However that is the absolute limit. If you have a submission that absolutely warrants more than, say, 1,264 words, we kindly request you cull it to a physical maximum of 1,571 words. I think that’s pretty reasonable, don’t you? Submit your content via e-mail to: themedium.submissions@gmail. com! (Keep it under 2,805 words, please).

Horasscopes

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

Your mom will tell you that you need to stop being so annoying or she will abort you.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Today, you will discover your true love– gingers.

Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)

Your ego will get the best of you today. You have been feeling down about the size of your dick so you will undergo penilelengthening surgery on yourself.

Taurus (Apr. 20-May 20)

Today, You will go to the CAG and start doing acrobatics in the weight room.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Sorry babes, you’re dying today lolz.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

You will call your professor a “fucking ugly cum sucking vacuum” after they say “hello” to you.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

You will be expected to do anal and you will oblige.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

You will be greeted by a fishy smell everywhere you go today.

Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)

You are the fishy smell following Aquarius around.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

You will recreate the Disney movie, Brave.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

You will offer your coochie to a friend who just attempted penilelengthening surgery on himself.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Your mom will tell you that you need to stop being so annoying or will not abort you, and force you to suffer and toil in this mortal plane.

GOOD EVENING! WE HOPE YOU ENJOYED THIS ISSUE OF THE DAILY MEDIUM. COME TO OUR PITCH MEETINGS AT 7PM AT THE LSC BOARD ROOM FOR “FUNNY” JOKES !

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Personals:

Send ads to themedium.submissions@ gmail.com

Must be slay and me-approved (a.k.a. no more capybaras)

Looking for unborn babies to be participants in longitudinal research study on the developmental effects of group psychology and communism. Pay is equal.

Services

Anyone got a squirt of lemon juice I can borrow?

Seriously, I only need like a little squirt. For reference, compare the amount that comes out after 10 seconds with me with how much lemon juice you should lend me. Also, don’t ask what this is for when you lend it. Thanks xoxo <3

I need someone to act like a total bitch in a class group chat I’m in. These fucking dickheads never shut the fuck up and I’m tired of it. You don’t need to talk all the time, just say some out of pocket shit to shut them up. Here’s the groupme code in this ad: https://groupme.com/ join_group/91522305/ QTiAY5S2

I need a lot of money.

Loney bisexual looking for someone to hold. Must not be a cunt.

Must have sexy, flowy long hair.

Willing to be gay.

Tests/Studies

Doing a study about the correlation between being a university president and being a complete unsympathetic idiot. Looking for 56 year old dickhead.

I Need Guitar

I have a guitar. I have never played it before. But if you pay me $60 I will serenade you for 24 hours with my guitar. We will experience this first together.

Hey sluts. Are you horny and want a good fantasy to masterbate to but lack the mental creativity that some of The Medium writers, like Average AO3 writer, have too much of? Well, do we have a solution for you! Our very own in-house smut writer is doing commissions. Text them at this number: 609-284-0488. I’m sure you will be satisfied with this service ;)

Offering to break up with your significant other for you. I have plenty of pent up anger against all people, so I can make it a really good breakup. There are three different levels you can buy: still friends, Oscarwining drama, and homie hopper, but you have to pay extra for that last one, shit gets messy. Text me at: 609-284-0488

Come on down to Uncle Chubby’s Adult Superstore, the best pornography store in the tri-state area. We have everything from 1930’s softcore, where you can only see naked backs, to modern hardcore, where they play “how many dicks can fit in an asshole”. On the first tuesday of the month, if you bring in a photo of your ex-wife, you get 30% your purchase. Come find us under the overpass of Exit 23 off Interstate 787 or call us at (214) 7446664. Proud sponsors of the Albany Sweathogs.

Looking for someone to voice act for the new Mario Bros movie. Current voice actor is sus as hell. Must be able to speak in a realistic Italian accent (*only requirement*). Should memorize and perform entire 2 hour script in 2 weeks, movie comes out 4/17.

Selling Kidneys For Tickets

You get: 2 semi-functioning kidneys

I get: the final best night of my life

Good evening children. I am Ronald. I am 64 years old. I have sent in this advertisement because I have become desperate. The best creation God has ever allowed to be on this planet, the New Jersey king, Bruce Springstein, is playing a concert this year. I no longer have enough money for this concert because my bitch ass wife spent it on our child’s “education”, whatever the fuck that means. I mean, what’s more important? Paying for our child to finish her last year of med school so she could save lives or allowing me to go to the Springstein concert with my buddies?! (There is only one right answer.) Anyway, all of this to say: I am selling both of my kidneys to afford the best night of my life. They are (more than) slightly used, they are pretty efficient at dealing with alcohol (especially beer) although this feature has begun to decline recently (I have no idea why though), and they are like a really cool burnt color. If you are interested, meet me at under the overpass, next to Uncle Chubby’s, and bring cash only.

Wanted

I need someone to write my essay for my History of Math class. I am a terrible student who is probably a disappointment to his… I mean my parents. I should do the work to write this on my own but I decided to use this illegal… um, I mean really cool site instead. I am definitely not a cop. So if there are any criminals, fuck, I meant to say cool people, out there willing to write my essay for me… you should call this number: 9-1-1 (this is a legit number). The reward money will be the satisfaction you will feel from turning yourself in… and by that I mean the reward is helping your fellow criminal FUCKING

DAMMIT HOW DO I

DO THIS.. sorry for the difficulties, I meant to say help a fellow student out.

Help! My endangered pet frog, Gerald, has been let loose at the Easton Ave apartments! My bitch ass roommate forgot to put him on a leash and he escaped from her grimy little hands. I didn’t even get to celebrate his 10th birthday with him… I even made a frog-sized swamp-flavored cake. The worst thing is, when I asked people about it in the GroupMe, they said that they were gonna cook him and put him in the dishwasher, and then kicked me out of the GroupMe! Like bitch-I just lost my best friend and now I have no one I can ask for help. So please, if you see Gerlad, let me know IMMEDIATELY. You can find me under the overpass, next to Uncle Chubby’s. Please hurry… he’s probably all scared and sad without my tender goodnight kisses.