Should Committed Couples Sleep in Separate Rooms?

Sleeping apart is becoming more known and accepted. Why aren't people talking about it?

It's so common that it's almost a cliché: One (or both) parties in a committed relationship snores too much, and for the other person, the reaction can be: My spouse's snoring is killing me. (Or possibly, If they don't stop snoring, I'll kill them.)

But other than shoving your partner onto their side to see if that eases the snoring, sending them to the doctor for a sleep apnea test or trying noisecanceling headphones or earplugs, what else can be done? You can't possibly sleep in another room. Committed couples are supposed to sleep together. If you sleep in separate rooms, others will assume that something's wrong with your relationship. In fact, you might think there's something wrong with your relationship.

Here's the good news: You're not the only ones sleeping apart. What's more, as more research is done on couples' sleeping patterns, sleeping apart is becoming more known and accepted.

Wendy Troxel, senior behavioral scientist at the RAND Corporation and author of "Sharing the Covers: Every Couple's Guide to Better Sleep," studies sleep behaviors and science, and she said that sleeping apart shouldn't be viewed as stigmatizing; there's no right or wrong way for a couple to get their night's sleep, as long as what they do works for them.

Audrey Henley from Beloit, Wisconsin, learned soon after moving in with her boyfriend that sleeping in the same room was going to cause issues for them. "He would snore, which prevented me from falling asleep, and I moved around a lot," she said. "At the time we had bad air conditioning, so on hot nights he would sleep on the futon in the living room. One night when I elbowed him in the forehead, he started sleeping on the futon more regularly."

They've since moved into a house and have separate bedrooms. "We considered buying a larger mattress to make sleeping in the same bed work, but we talked about it and decided to keep having our own beds," Henley said. "We go to bed at different times and work on projects late at night without bothering each other."

Sometimes the need for separate sleeping spaces comes from life changes, whether women going through perimenopause or someone in the relationship developing medical conditions. Some treatments, such as sleep apnea, may be medically treated.

Karla Huston of Lakewood, California, was married nearly 50 years before beginning to regularly sleep separately from her husband. "From time to time I would go to the sofa or my daughter's bedroom where I could get some sleep," she said. But then he was diagnosed with prostate cancer, and the treatment caused him to have hot flashes and need to use the bathroom frequently during the night. As his caregiver, she needed rest more than ever.