No Longer Having Dinner With

A widower recalls many difficult mealtimes after he lost his wife, and how he now keeps loneliness away from the table

When I lost my wife to a sudden and unexpected illness, loneliness claimed her side of our bed. I no longer slept enfolded in the warmth of Muriel's soft curves. Instead, the sharp edges of loneliness pierced me awake. Loneliness slept when I did, but awakened in a fury, replacing Muriel's smile and kiss with its icy grip.

"As the months become years since I lost Muriel, I find it easier to eat dinner alone. Cooking is not a chore." | Credit: Getty

Learning how to be alone but not lonely is a class that men of my generation never took. We went from our mothers to war to our wives and were rarely alone. My family knew that and surrounded me with love during the first weeks of our loss. Children, grandchildren and close friends rushed from throughout the country to comfort me. But when their lives called them home, loneliness attacked me like a fever. Learning how to be alone but not lonely is a class that men of my generation never took.

I saw at once the fever it brought spiked at night. Having lunch alone is not uncommon; a hurried sandwich between tasks is part of the American diet. Dinner is different. That's when parents and children gather around a table and become a family. Once the children are grown, dinner is when a husband and wife remember when dining alone was a prelude to intimacy.

But now loneliness sat opposite me at the dinner table, sharing whatever food was delivered that evening. It sneered when reminding me with every bite that I was destined to eat most meals alone for the rest of my life. If I were to enjoy food again, I would have to show loneliness I was unavailable for dinner.

Muriel and I had many friends, the closest of whom immediately called and invited me to dinner. I gratefully accepted and happily said yes when they insisted I return quickly or arrange to meet soon at a restaurant. It was clear they wanted to spare me the ordeal of looking across the dinner table at loneliness. I began calling other friends deeper in our address book, assuming they would gladly meet me at a restaurant or at one of our homes as they often had in the

past. Surprisingly, many said they were booked for weeks ahead and would have to call back. Most didn't call back. It quickly became evident they saw dinner tables as set for couples, not for odd numbers, and three was proving to be an especially odd number.

There were other friends who agreed to meet to eat, but not to dine. Dinner was a race to be run as quickly as possible. The interval between "I'll have the lamb chops medium well" to "Please bring the check" grew shorter with every meal. Friends who hesitated to rush Muriel and me through dinner were quick to order food while I had yet to open the menu.

I was now a single person, apparently

half as important as I had been when married for nearly seventy years. Could I convince them it wasn't food I needed but conversation that had fled my silent home?

Once our children were grown, Muriel and I went out to dinner four or five evenings a week. She often said, "As a mother, I spent twenty-five years hosting a dinner party for five every evening. Now, we're going out to eat!" By eating out, she meant celebrating the slow dance of a shared meal.

When alone, we never glanced at menus until we had ordered a glass of wine and began talking of our day and of our plans for the days to follow. Only then did we order food. When dining out with friends, we would hurry to the restaurant early to sit alone at the bar and talk of our day over a glass of wine.

Was there a way to enjoy food now that I was alone? Muriel and I subscribed to the New York Times recipe collection. Gravy-stained and scrawled with changes, the recipes remained barely legible enough to follow. Fortunately, I have a calculator and can divide a recipe for five into a meal for one. I would begin cooking again, as I often had when Muriel and I dined at home.

My mother was a great cook and when my brother and I were very young, she summoned us to the kitchen, saying "Your father knows this is a kitchen only because he eats here. You boys are going to learn how to cook." And she taught us. I cook mindfully, losing myself in the sounds and aromas of bubbling soups and sauces. I try not to lament that the meal that takes me ninety minutes to prepare I will finish eating in thirty. As the months become years since I lost Muriel, I find it easier to eat dinner alone. Cooking is not a chore. I remember my mother's smile when she came to dinner at my brother's home or mine and admired one of the dishes she had taught us to cook when we were little boys.

I do go out to dinner two, sometimes three, evenings a week with the same close friends whose early invitations kept loneliness at bay. Does loneliness still come to my home? Yes, but now only for an occasional assault and knows it is not welcome at my dinner table.

Robert W. Goldfarb served as founder and president of Urban Directions, Inc. (UDI), a management consulting firm that mentored managers and management teams to achieve their fullest potential. He closed UDI in 2021 to concentrate on writing and serving as a volunteer mentor to aspiring entrepreneurs. His articles have appeared in The New York Times, The San Francisco Chronicle and elsewhere. His book, "What's Stopping Me From Getting Ahead" was published by McGraw-Hill.

Source: www.nextavenue.org

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This month’s cover profile is Dr. Sheila Austin, former Dean of the College of Education at Auburn University Montgomery, and Professor of Educational Leadership. Sheila was the first African American to hold the position of Dean of the College of Education at AUM. In her role as professor of instructional Leadership, you begin to understand that teaching is her real passion. She loves to make a difference in young educators and students especially if it involves mentoring. Her parents gave her a strong foundation to succeed, and she has been inspired to help others along their journey of education and leadership. Sheila has been married to Bishop George Austin since 2020 and has served our community with her many talents, especially in the area of leadership. We hope you’ll enjoy getting to know Sheila as much as we have, she’s a light for everyone’s path.

BOOM!: Please give us a brief biography, i.e., where you’re from, education, what brought you to the Montgomery area, family, married, etc.?

Dr. Austin: I was born and raised in Toledo, Ohio. I am the fourth of six children; five girls, and one boy. My childhood name growing up was “Sheila Baby.” I think I got that name due to my speech impediment which included stuttering. Nevertheless, with the support of my Godly parents I overcame and excelled.

I obtained three degrees from The University of Toledo, a Bachelor, a Master’s, and a Ph.D. I was honored with the recognition of Outstanding Alumni from the African American Alumni Association shortly after I completed my Ph.D. I proudly display my UT medallion when I wear my official garments for graduations and ceremonies.

I moved to Montgomery in 2005 after six years of marriage to Bishop George F. Austin and commuting back and forth between Toledo and Montgomery. He did most of the commuting due to my position as Chief of Staff of Toledo Public Schools. This position meant the world to me, I was the highestranking AfricanAmerican female in Toledo Public Schools, and I still hold that title to this day.

Bishop and I married on March 18, 2000, my birthday and my parent’s anniversary. With the union came ten children, seven were his, and three were mine. I did not move to Montgomery until after I completed 32 years of service with Toledo Public Schools.

BOOM!: You have had a focused career as an educator. Could you share how you decided to pursue this career path?

Dr. Austin: My desire to be a teacher started back when I was in kindergarten. My elementary school teachers were all female except my sixth-grade teacher, an African American male. The female teachers, Mrs. Cole and Mrs. Robertson, caused me to pause and pay close attention to them. They were dressed in dresses, suits, pearls, and heels daily. The male teacher, Mr. Stevens, wore a suit and tie daily. I am talking about elementary school! I never witnessed one of my teachers disrespecting the students in my class. They showed respect for us, and we, in return, respected them.

and makeup were always in place and not trendy. Finally, the way they smelled attracted me; they smelled good daily. I would love for them to hug me because I would have the sweet smell of perfume on me for the rest of the day.

I became an educator to impact the lives of children in the same manner they impacted mine. I wanted to instill the same sense of pride and meaningfulness they gave me. I wanted to make sure the individual needs of each student was met and that someone believed in them and their ability to become successful members of the community.

To this day, I dress for work like I am going to an interview. I receive comments from students and faculty on how I present myself. My response is always this….” I do this for me, not for others!” In addition, I tell them that others see you when you don’t see them. It could be the supervisor of the job that you want. Finally, I make a point of smelling good every day, no matter what I wear, jeans or a suit Department. I was promoted from Assistant Professor to Full Professor in a relatively short period of time. This was possible due to the great mentors I had. They invited me to publish and present at professional conferences with them, which allowed me to have the number of required publications and conference presentations needed for promotion. Their focus was School Counseling, and mine was Instructional Leadership. I made sure that I attended all required and volunteer activities on campus.

Education at Auburn University Montgomery. Would you tell us how you became involved with AU and eventually being selected to serve as Dean for the College of Education? Please describe what your role and responsibilities were as Dean?

I went on to teach and serve as an administrator at the same school I attended, Robinson Junior High. I was honored to be the guest speaker at the now-Robinson Elementary School for Black History Month a year ago. In addition, my picture now hangs in the Hall of the Who’s Who. BOOM!: You became the first African American to be Dean of the College of

Within several months, I applied for a position in the Leadership Dr. Austin: I started as an Adjunct Professor in the Counselor, Leadership, and Special Education Department.

As Dean, I served as the official representative of the college, both internal and external. I oversaw successful accreditation and operations of all programs in the College of Education, recruited and developed faculty and staff, fostered an environment that values diversity, equity, and inclusion in all its forms, Eiffel Tower, Paris, France in addition to demonstrating decision-making and management rooted in consensus building and transparency. In addition, I was responsible for the day-to-day operations of many programs including: Undergraduate Programs: Early Childhood Education, Elementary Education, Physical Education, Secondary Education, Special Education, Sport Management, and Exercise Science

Graduate Programs: Counselor Education, Early Childhood and Elementary

Education, Instructional Leadership, Instructional Technology, Exercise Science, Physical Education, Sport Management, Secondary Education, and Special Education.

BOOM!: Since your retirement as Dean, you have been a Professor of Educational Leadership at AUM. What’s the goal or purpose teaching Educational Leadership? Could you describe the relationship of parents when it comes to effective educational leadership?

Dr. Austin: My goal for our Instructional Leadership candidates is for them to have the heart to serve. By serve, I mean to give unconditionally of your time, energy, and resources. To do that, you must maintain a level of self-care and self-love. You cannot give from an empty container physically and naturally. In addition to the natural desire to lead, I strongly advocate the following characteristics: 1. Humility – Super leaders do what we do because it is simply being gracious. The root of charisma is “grace.” A truly humble person treats everyone with respect. I encourage leaders to respect themselves and their profession and demand the same level of respect from others. 2. Integrity – Integrity is my number-two secret ingredient to being a super leader. Integrity means doing the right thing because it is the right thing to do. Furthermore, we must keep our promises. Take the time to think about a promise before you make it. Remember: Always tell the truth. 3. Know Yourself – Knowing yourself is one of the most powerful ingredients to being a super leader. As you examine your life, you will be able to identify the changes you need to make to increase your ability to lead. 4. Communication – In order for you to improve your communication skills, you must practice. I remember getting my first bicycle. At first, I was disappointed, because it had

training wheels on it. Little did I know that before I could ride with two wheels, I had to master the skill of balance first 5. Mentoring – Have you ever wondered why new teachers leave the profession? Mentoring is needed to assist with the retention and development of new teachers. Leaders have a major role in this process. 6. Transparency – Provides the instructional leader with a clear pathway to guide faculty and others to a place of consensus. 7. Advocacy – An advocate is someone that works to support a cause or a mission. Effective leaders demonstrate their beliefs through their actions…your actions tell the true story.

comes to parents…Instructional leaders must be able to promote a culture of inclusion. How does that happen, Dr. Austin? Well, I am glad you asked… Leaders must engage students and families to ensure they are familiar with the school's traditions, expectations, and values. Creating safe spaces for parents to become involved with the school and their student’s academic progress is important for a school to achieve its yearly benchmarks.

BOOM!: You were honored by Leadership Montgomery for your involvement with our community, especially through your leadership focus. You were quoted as saying “I believe where much is given, much is required,” would you share your perspective on the value of community service? How would you encourage our readers to engage in community service?

Dr. Austin: Just as I was quoted, saying… where much is given much is required. I have been blessed with a spiritual ability to speak life to the hopeless and give words of peace to the wounded. In addition, I have always been a giver. On campus, students know if they are having financial issues, I will do all I can to help and assist. People that know me know all they have to do is tell me they like something I have and I will do my best to get them something similar ��.

Community service is the engine to helping others. If you have been blessed with the things you need, why not help

others who are not quite there on their journey. Find something that you are passionate about, pray and ask God to direct you on the path He has for you!

BOOM!: Speaking of your community involvement, could you share your experience with Mercy House and MAP? How can BOOM! readers get involved with supporting these ministries?

Dr. Austin: The Executive Director, Ken Austin, of the MAP Center/Mercy House, is my brother-in-law. I am so proud of the work he and his wife, Thomasina, are doing. I provide Leadership Training for his staff, dealing with Self-Care and Team Building; I am also a financial contributor.

If you have not had an opportunity to visit the Map Center, I strongly encourage you to go. It will only take one visit for you to know this is an excellent place to get involved. Sometimes, I need to step back and look at life differently. Seeing the children’s and parent’s faces will touch your heart. The fact that they are there speaks volumes.

Dr. Austin: George and I will celebrate our 23rd Wedding Anniversary on March 18, 2023. I have learned some very valuable lessons. My children were grown and not in my home, and I lived in Ohio when we first met. However, George still had three children living in his home in Sheila, Councilman Clay Mcinnis, Ken Austin at Alabama. I clearly

remember saying to them that I could be a friend or a mother, but it was up to them what role they wanted me to play.” Let me explain why I use the term stepfamily instead of a blended family. When you blend something, you lose the original identity. The term Stepfamily allows you to maintain your family values and traditions.

George and I usually spend our holidays together at a destination, for example, i.e., Paris, California, or Destin, Florida.

I challenge you to go…it will change your life, www.

I truly enjoy being a grandmother. It allows me to share experiences with my grandchildren and give/pour into them new knowledge. For, example, eating at a Chinese Restaurant, eating with chopsticks, or taking them on a mini vacation to Great Wolf Lodge. It makes the experience worthwhile. On both sides, the grandchildren call me With adult stepfamilies, it is critical “grandma.” to set boundaries. My oldest granddaughter is Respect is key…parents following my example. She should respect their is currently the lead teacher children’s mates, at a daycare center. To and children should educate is to change a life respect the parent’s permanently. spouse. Respect is about not being seen BOOM!: What are some as an outsider but of your favorite travel being included in the experiences? Favorite circle. The important vacation spot? Any travel ingredients in a stepfamily formation dreams planned? are the ability to build relationships, communicate and ultimately build trust. Dr. Austin: George and I traveled to Paris I really enjoy the ability to provide and in 2019, right at the onset of COVID. Paris receive advice from individuals within was on my Bucket List of things to do. I the group. thank God that we were able to go. We We have also were able to experience the impressive enjoyed the architecture and design. We visited the relationships Eiffel Tower and went to the top on that have been a cold, windy night. We also had the forged with opportunity to see some of the museums other siblings. and the Notre Dame Cathedral. I It is paramount thoroughly enjoyed the coffee shops to have 2-way and Macarons. With everything going BOOM!: You and communication. on now with the viruses, I have delayed your husband In as much, travel. George have been large-group married over 20 dynamics are BOOM!: You wrote a book on leadership

years. Would Kendrick adjusts her son Justin’s kufi hat, part of formal attire for Kwanzaa constantly at called Secrets on How to Be a “Super you share your work because Leader Nuggets of Wisdom to Inspire love story and some of the challenges/ we are all individuals that have stepped Your Journey. In the description on joys of having a large /blended family? into a pot of a stepfamily. When we Amazon, you explain how your parents How do you and George like to spend “melt,” we are all one; important that encouraged you and the impact it had time with family? you do not lose your individual identity. on your life. Would you share that description with us?

Dr. Austin: I wrote the following introduction: As I fondly look back at the memories of my parents, I am in awe of them and am greatly inspired by them. Owen and Clara Moore had minimal formal education, but they were able to recognize the special gift in me. They saw that I was unafraid to take charge of any situation, even at a young age. My parents nurtured, guarded, and encouraged me to cultivate my gifts. They were careful about who they exposed me to. I never spent the night at a friend’s house. Instead, I spent most of my time with my parents-learning how to become an active listener and learning the art of conversation. For example, they allowed me to ask questions. I was careful to be very respectful when asking a question; however, I always wanted to know “why.” In some homes, asking questions is called “talking back,’ having a “smart mouth,’ or having a “stubborn spirit.” However, my parents and family members knew that was not the case with me. I simply wanted to know WHY!

BOOM!: How do you like to relax and wind down from a full day of activity?

Dr. Austin: I relax and wind down by talking to my family members, working puzzles, and coloring online. While I am talking, coloring, and solving puzzles, I also listen to Gospel Music. I love the ministry of music by Maverick City! It is healing, delivering, and refreshing! It is MUSIC FOR THE SOUL!

I also reflect on my favorite scripture: To whom much is given, much will be required (Luke 12:48).

BOOM!: What is it about living in the Montgomery/River Region area that you like? What do we need more of?

Dr. Austin: I love the people. Residents in Montgomery are not afraid to show compassion. The city is rich in history and higher education institutions. I learn something new every day. I was honored to be asked to be a part of the new Civil Rights Memorial Visual.

Furthermore, it goes without saying that the food reflects the people: warm, loving, and good for the soul. People in the South have a longer life span than those in other states. For example, my students would talk about parents, grandparents, and great-grandparents, i.e., Big Mamma.

I feel we need more opportunities for mentorship, shadowing, and small sessions that are not connected to a church or organization. For example, bring your children to meet and talk on Saturday afternoon or at Oak Park.

BOOM!: As a woman of faith, would you share your Christian Journey and the guidance God has provided?

Dr. Austin: My Christianity started when I was at the age to speak. As a baby, my parents would say, “Jesus Loves You!” I would say, ‘I love Jesus!” That was the beginning of it. However, I started from birth with us being in church every Sunday, Wednesday, for Bible Study and Friday, Family Saints Night. I started with my parents as a young child.

My adult journey, started when then Evangelist Pat McKinstry and I served the Late Bishop William James behind the scenes. Our relationship went from friends to her becoming my pastor. It is important to note that I never returned to our sister relationship once she became my Pastor. I never took the ministry for granted. Today, Bishop Pat McKinstry is the pastor of Worship Center Church in Toledo, Ohio. Her strong apostolic and prophetic thrust allowed her to be in ministry for 60 years, pastoring for 30 years.

As stated in Luke 16:12: And if ye have not been faithful in that which is another man's, who shall give you that which is your own? I believe that my faithfulness to Bishop William James and Bishop Pat McKinstry has allowed God to smile on me and shower me with his Grace and Mercy.

BOOM!: As you’ve aged, how have your priorities changed? How would you describe what it means to “age well”?

Dr. Austin: I don’t put things off because tomorrow is not promised to us. Therefore, I am cautious not to take on more than I can handle. I also ensure I can handle the task without having to depend on others to get it done.

Aging well means taking care of your body and mind. My goal is to still look attractive as I age. I shock people when I tell them that I am “70” years old. It is important to keep my mind alert. Therefore, I play mentally stimulating games and stay in touch with my family. My nieces do an excellent job keeping me up to speed with the latest fads and happenings.

BOOM!: Give us three words that describe you?

Dr. Austin: Compassionate, Dedicated and Committed

BOOM!: Do you have any hobbies or activities that grab your attention?

Dr. Austin: I currently enjoy serving on the following boards and holding the following positions: River Region United Way/Chair of the Community Impact Committee, Montgomery Museum of Fine Arts/Chair of the Governance

Committee, Montgomery Botanical Gardens Board/Chair of the Grants and Co-Chair of Education, Montgomery

Theta, Incorporated/Chaplain, National Panhellenic Council of Central Alabama/ Chaplain

My hobbies include working in my yard and discovering new ways to enhance my living space.

BOOM!: Many people, as they age, experience a renewed sense of purpose, new goals, etc. How would you describe this sense of renewal in your life? Any advice for the rest of us seeking renewal? What are your thoughts on retirement?

Dr. Austin: I am not seeking renewal at this stage of the game. However, I am seeking and ensuring that I remain at the table. For us to be successful, you have to know what is going on. Age is only a number; I will be the one to define it. I will not allow others to define it for me!

BOOM!: What are some of the future challenges you’re contemplating for yourself?

Dr. Austin: I enjoy holding and loving on my Fur Baby, Miss Chocolate. In addition, I want to be available for the things God has for me to do. I want to continue mentoring African American females pursuing their Ph.D., nontraditional students in college, and females in leadership positions and other areas, as requested. I am willing to walk into any door he opens for me.

We want to thank Dr. Austin for sharing her life's story with us this month. If you’re inspired by Sheila's story and would like to take some action check out the Mercy House/MAP at www.mercyhousemgm.com and set up a visit, get involved, it will change your life and the life of others. We hope you’ll share Sheila's story with friends and family, they’ll enjoy the reading experience. Thanks to DiAnna Paulk and her creative photography skills, you're the best! If you have questions, comments, or suggestions about our cover profiles, including nominating someone, please text them to Jim Watson at 334.324.3472 or email them to jim@riverregionboom.com.