Coaching Column

Ways to boost your self-control

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In any crisis situation there is a period of intense turmoil when established routines and norms are thrown out of the window. Uncertainty reigns, while anxiety, confusion and negativity escalate in an unprecedented way. A friend recently suggested that I was lucky to be a coach because it meant I had strategies up my sleeve to enable a positive mindset and view any situation dispassionately. Ordinarily, that’s true. But in a crisis, when our own personal and professional lives have been impacted, our job as a coach becomes more challenging because we are struggling to contain our emotions, make sense of the chaos around us, and come to terms with the new reality.

First and foremost, we, as coaches, need to give ourselves permission and space to process, decompress or even grieve. Only then will we be able to support leaders in anchoring their emotions and actions.

Change can be intimidating owing to its unpredictability. It is therefore crucial to pause and acknowledge feelings. Every leader will have a different coping mechanism that needs to be allowed. During a crisis, one can experience an influx of emotions, so the first step is to sift through confused thoughts to separate emotion from rational thought. That way it becomes easier to let intellect, rather than emotions, direct our choices.

As coaches, our role is to support leaders in embracing any ambivalent environment calmly. To achieve this, we need to demystify fear and reduce panic, while

By Hira Ali

establishing a supportive environment that fosters honesty and transparency. Any crisis is emotionally draining. Hence it is essential to display consideration in all communications.

By enabling leaders to take a break from their existing frame of mind and reflect, we help them to start thinking from a fresh perspective. Toxic thought traps can sabotage and hinder progress. When people are in stressful situations, even normal tasks seem overwhelming. Many may experience what is called ‘learned helplessness’ – where they believe they cannot take charge even though they have the power to do so. Subverting each limiting belief by testing its validity through a belief audit can overcome limiting mindsets and encourage resourcefulness.

Set boundaries and expectations so accountability is established from the onset and goals can be given traction. Bear in mind, however, that unrealistic goals and deadlines can mount pressure and backfire. Be prepared to allow flexibility. In an environment of rapid change, it is key to keep reassessing priorities in every coaching interaction. Any new predicament is likely to differ from the one we faced previously.

And every challenge may require us to act differently. A core set of values and a positive mindset can empower us to not only help ourselves but also support others in steering through confusion and overwhelm to navigate any crisis effectively – no matter how insurmountable it seems. Hira Ali is an equality and leadership expert and coach. She is also author of ‘Her Way to the Top: A Guide to Smashing the Glass Ceiling’

Live & Learn HOW TO...

There is one golden key to business, professional and personal success: self-control. The ability to react calmly, and in a considered way, to whatever happens will give you an edge over everyone who cannot. Just think about all the situations where it will help. Examples include: making decisions, communicating, winning trust or getting assistance. But it’s not easy. If it were, we’d all be doing it! So, what do you need to do?

Take three long, slow, deep breaths. First, they create time to think. As a gap between the triggering event and your response, pauses have tremendous power. At the physiological level, deep breaths calm you. Plus, clearing out stale air and taking three huge lungfuls of fresh air means more oxygen to your brain. When you need to respond carefully, that’s a good thing.

Before you respond, play out your choices in your mind. By forcing your rational brain to engage, you divert blood flow from your emotional system. This gives your sense of reason a chance to assert control. Want to put your response in context? Imagine fast-forwarding to the outcome of your encounter. How do things turn out? There’s a bonus. If you imagine the results of choosing to keep calm or get mad, it gives you a visceral sense of the futility of losing your cool.

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Is another person behaving badly? Then make one assumption: that they are doing so with a positive

By Mike Clayton

intention. They may not be expressing themselves well, but they’re trying. So, separate the bad behaviour (which you need not condone) from the personal interests, and focus on the latter. Stay respectful of the person. If you feel the urge to get angry, try ‘extreme courtesy’. Focus all your mental energy on being polite. It will feel natural in a few minutes.

As temperatures rise, we start to speak in demands. Questions trump demands. Especially when the person in front of you has the choice to help you or not. Ask questions, make friends and request help. These are more effective than making people feel small and demanding results.

In a fluster? Maybe it’s because you’re late. Or worried you will be. The solution is easy.

Aim for early. Get to meetings, events and workshops at least an hour ahead. If things go well, you get an hour of reading and a decent coffee from the café around the corner. If not, you have plenty of contingency before you need to worry.

One thing that helps to control your emotions is writing your feelings down. Start a journal and, every morning or evening, write free-form everything that’s on your mind. For added power, if you have emotions you truly want to feel rid of, tear out the page of emotions you want to shed completely... and throw it in the river, shred it or burn it. Let the elements carry it away. Mike Clayton is a speaker, management trainer and author of 14 books. He recently launched a new YouTube channel offering free management courses. See j.mp/MgtCourses