20
6.
13.
THINGS 7. WE NEED
14.
TO GET OFF OUR
“Really? You can’t go to the Virgin America website, click on ‘Book a Flight,’ and select a first class seat for your fat ass? It’s so easy an underage mistress can do it. I’m not saying your underage mistress. Just any underage mistress.” -- Broken in Beverly Hills “I will not fetch you anything. I am not a dog. But if you keep talking to me like this, you’ll soon learn I can be a bitch.” -- Vicious in Venice
CHEST 8.
“It takes the same amount of time writing a lengthy and descriptive e-mail requesting dinner reservations as it would had you made them yourself. It’s called “open table,” prick. Familiarize yourself with it.” -- Beaten in Burbank
1.
“Guess what? There is no Coffee Fairy who magically refills the pot in the office kitchen every morning. And those bagels? They don’t just reappear every Friday out of thin air.” -- Worn Out in Westwood
2. 3.
“Thanks for the signed headshot instead of a Christmas bonus, asshole.” -- Tired in Toluca Lake
“Wait, you want Valentine’s Day flowers sent to your wife AND your girlfriend? Same message on both cards? Classy. Always keeping it classy.” -- Hungover in Hollywood
4.
“Can’t you order your own sprayon hair? Don’t you feel just the tiniest bit ashamed even asking me to do it?” -- Frustrated on Fairfax
5.
“I’m sorry, but I can’t plan your child’s birthday party for you if you won’t even take the time to learn my name.” -- Steamed in Studio City
9.
“Of course I’ll stay an extra 45 minutes to research bakeries in Silverlake for you, even though you clearly see that I’ve shut down my computer and packed my bag to go home. On a Friday night. At 7 p.m.” -- Livid in Los Feliz
10.
“Find a Kosher caterer for your kid’s New Year’s Eve sushi party? You know that’s tonight, right? No, I can’t imagine that’ll be a problem. Just making sure we’re clear.” -- Done on Doheny
11.
“If I go to your holiday party, will you please have me help your boyfriend decorate your home again? Pretty please?” [insert eye roll] -- Peeved on Pico
12.
“What’s that? You want me to doctor my timesheet so you don’t have to pay the overtime from me working ten days straight? Sure, that’s not abusive or illegal at all.” Anonymous in Anaheim
“Oh, I didn’t pick the right 48 things from the list of 50 you told me had to be done today and then acknowledged were impossible? Sorry. I’m a PA. Mindreading is above my pay grade.” -Venting on Ventura “If you respond to an email with ???????? one more time...” -- Crazed in Culver
City
15.
“Please, please don’t make me lie to a Rabbi. I lie to your wife, I lie to your girlfriend, I lie to your kids. Just please, please don’t make me lie to a Rabbi.” -- Losing It in Larchmont
16.
“Yes, I do know how to use a fax machine. You don’t have to hover over me, not so subtly looking down my shirt as I send a fax. And who the f*** faxes anyway? I didn’t realize it was still 1993.” -- A Vengeful Ivy Leaguer
17.
“Hi, remember me? I dented your Mercedes with a golf cart two years ago, and you had me fired. Well, I just signed a threepicture deal with Sony, and I’m happy to pick up the check at our next lunch meeting.” -- A Justified Writer (or a writer on Justified?)
18.
“Seriously? You need me to go grab the Halloween candy one floor down, yet you were just there and your hands aren’t full?” -- Fuming on Franklin
19. 20.
“Sure, I guess a Snapple bottle could double as a urinal.” -- Weary in WeHo
“I’d like you to meet a friend of mine. Her name’s Karma. And she’s a bitch.” – Hiko Mitsuzuka
For more of Hiko’s bloggage, check out TheFirstEcho.com. Feb 2014 - BELLO