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Navigating Conflicts by Email Paul Silverman Working as a therapist in modern society, with our scope of practice covering interpersonal relationships, inevitably brings up issues around communications that occur online. With this in mind, I have developed a clinical specialty of working with Internet issues and online relationships – a fascinating course of study, and deeply relevant to so many of our clients. One of the most common dilemmas that clients discuss with me involves interpersonal conflicts that happen over email exchanges. The question always presents itself: Should I respond to this situation in an email? And if so, what’s the best way? For a long time, I would advise people never to hold emotionally charged conversations by email, because the lack of nonverbal or even vocal cues in a typed message remove too much crucial information from the communication. My thinking is a little more nuanced now, and it’s useful to consider both the benefits and the shortcomings of email, especially when you’re trying to work through an interpersonal conflict. If you’re feeling angry, anxious or overly negative about a problem with another person, you should consider some of the unique aspects of email and decide whether this method of communication is right for your situation.
Email communicates words, and words only. This is the most obvious aspect. The recipient of your email won’t be seeing your body language or facial expression and won’t be hearing your vocal tone or volume—these are all enormously influential parts of face-to-face communication. You might think that your words can only be interpreted one way, but you’re not in the other person’s shoes. Try this: say aloud, as if you were talking to someone else: “I can’t believe you decided to do the project that way!” in the most admiring, respectful way you can. Now say exactly the same thing, and give it the most baffled, disgusted tone you can manage. Precisely the same words, with completely opposite
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