Chicken Fried News

Illustrations by Jerry Bennett

Out of the way is Jerry Winchester, the former executive director of the Oklahoma Tourism and Restaurant Department, who tendered his resignation last month. No word on whether his burger will remain on the menu.

But chain restaurant owner Brent Swadley is serving up heaping helpings of pathos after Kevin gave him the old Trumpian “never knew him” treatment.

“Let me be clear, I do not have any sort of relationship with Brent Swadley. I don’t know Brent Swadley. I have no involvement in this contract,” Stitt told reporters.

The test results are in and that’s definitely another lie. He serves up so many of them it’s a wonder they’re not a menu item at Foggy Bottom.

Even though there’s a plaque at the Roman Nose State Park location from Kevin that reads, “I had a special time with my two boys at beautiful Roman Nose State Park and the food, wow, the food was fantastic,” he doesn’t know anything about the restaurant.

Oh, and let’s not forget the photo with Swadley and Stitt that surfaced as well.

“What Kevin Stitt said, I mean, I was in tears, I couldn’t believe he was going to act like he doesn’t know me,” Swadley told KOKH, the Fox affiliate in Oklahoma City (though poor Brent might have mistaken it for Fox News considering how gullible he at least pretends to be). Here are some of Swadley’s other dishes: • “We are as shocked as can be.” • “I would love for someone to start to consider that we might be the victims here.” • “We may be the ones who’ve been corrupted against.” • “I didn’t even know there was a state fire marshal.”

Former President Donald Trump once famously said, “What you’re seeing and what you’re reading is not what’s happening.” Stitt is happy to take a play from the same book knowing that Republicans don’t mind being served a heaping plate of bullshit.

It’s only a handout when the government squanders or gives away money freely and without oversight. When Oklahoma’s incompetent Stitt administration hands the reins to an intermediary software company, it’s touted as a new model of private and public cooperation.

“Other states used federal money to train new teachers or support programs for deaf and blind students. But in Oklahoma, a history teacher with political ambitions helped a Florida tech company win a no-bid state contract to rapidly distribute $8 million to families with little government oversight. Another $10 million went to private school vouchers. With few guardrails, some families used Oklahoma’s share of federal Governor’s Emergency Education Relief Funds to buy Christmas trees, gaming consoles, electric fireplaces and outdoor grills, an investigation by Oklahoma Watch and The Frontier has found.”

While apparently most of the money did go towards educationrelated purchases, the investigation also found “at least 548 TVs purchased through ClassWallet worth $191,000. Families also bought pressure washers, car stereo equipment, coffee makers, exercise gear and smart watches.”

At the risk of sounding like a broken record issue after issue in Chicken Fried News, Kevin is shocked, shocked we tell you, that such a thing ever occurred, especially under his watchful eye.

“During the COVID pandemic, Governor Stitt had a duty to get federal relief funds to students and families in Oklahoma as quickly as possible and he accomplished just that,” Stitt’s information minister Carly Atchison wrote in a statement.

And it should be no surprise that star substitute teacher Ryan Walters was behind it all.

“Even before Stitt named Walters Secretary of Education in September 2020, Walters had worked to secure the contract with ClassWallet, according to emails obtained by Oklahoma Watch and The Frontier.”

When Kevin announced his plans to run the state government like a business, voters should have anticipated that it would be as poorly managed as his own company (that’s what you get for favoring him over tried-and-true former OKC Mayor Mick Cornett). Guess you get what you pay for. Or at least what the government pays for anyway.

*magazines, greeting cards, grab bags and special dolls are excluded.