Waikat' Weekly

FMG fields

Graveyard burnouts

Dmytro Levchuk with his mother and sister

Seamus Lohrey Another week means seven more days for the Waikato to cook up some stories for us. Where’s a better place to come to then Nexus, the unofficial, official premier local news source, to read them?

Footy’s back at the FMG Fields

As New Zealanders, we have a legal obligation to indulge in the nation's favourite pastime of rugby. Last Saturday, provincial rugby returned to the green grass of the FMG with a 32 point deadlock against Hawkes Bay. Damian Mckenzie, All Black and all around ladies man, missed not one, not two, but three chances to win the game against the Magpies on Liam Messam’s, the red and yellow legend, 100th game. As I take my job very seriously, I was there in attendance for this special occasion. While I wasn’t able to meet Mr Messam himself, I was able to have a yarn with his 11 year old son. He didn't have much to say about his Dad’s game, but what he did have was some cool dance moves. RUGBY!

Teenager from war-torn Ukraine arrives in Hamilton

Dmytro Levchuk, an 18 year old from the Ukrainian city of Ivano-Frankivsk, now calls Hamilton home after a four and a half month journey, settling here with his mother and sister. While being forced to move to the other side of the globe hasn’t been easy for him and his family, they’re loving the Waikato so far. Despite being displaced from their home, livelihoods and family, they were finally able to see the ocean for the first time saying they “couldn’t believe how beautiful it was”. It’s the little things we take for granted, people. Out of all the places in the country, Morrisnville hard, Jacinda Ardern, clearly chose the best for these deserving refugees.

Graveyard Burnouts

One 19-year-old and two 24-year-olds are facing charges after deciding to take their skids off the roads and into a Cambridge cemetery. Waipā Mayor, Jim Mylchreest, reflected the community’s disgust saying “I hope they throw the book at them. As far as I'm concerned, they are scumbags". While the damages are $3000, for the community, they go beyond the price tag. "It is shameful that the resting places of our service people and loved ones are treated in this way”, says local RSA President, James Hill. Newly buried plots were said to be run over, as well as the old graves of ex-service men. We all know there’s nothing more Waikato than a burnout, but even the most hardened, mulleted bogan can admit this is a step too far.

Jak Rāta

“Arable growth is doing a-maize-ing”

New Zealand's arable sector appears to be on a roll, with production increasing by thirty percent in the past three years.

“She did it Joe, she fucking did it”

Serena Williams alludes to a successful retirement as she comes to the end of her tenure in professional tennis.

“Ah McCane, you’ll do it again”

Sam Cane expresses that the boys in black can turn it around after their major loss in Mbombela, with a meagre 26-10 as a result of dismal form from the boys.

“When ramming = no babies”

Little Mash Boutique in Barton St, in the centre of Hamilton, was the target of a ramraid in the early hours of Tuesday morning.

“Students live in shitty flats, also water is wet”

Pictures of Sam Uffindells 2004 flat have emerged, showing the destruction of Otago student living. People are surprised by the squalor, students are vying for that mint bra hanger in his hallway.

“Fuck them sheep”

Farmers on the Chatham Islands are facing the possibility of not being able to ship stock off the island during the busy Autumn period next year with a rough 30,000 sheep to get the boot.

FIXING OUR FLOP ERA

Oliver Dunn

It’s been a pretty rough as guts few weeks for the boys in black. In case you’ve successfully disconnected from mainstream Kiwi culture, I’m not referring to the secret organisation that monitors and polices aliens, I’m referring to the All Blacks. Following an emphatic fumbling of the Irish bag in the Steinlager Series, they have rattled off yet another defeat to open the Rugby Championship against South Africa. As of writing, they sit with three losses in a row for the first time in 24 years, their latest 26 – 10 defeat marks the worst loss to the Springboks in just a shade under a century as the AB’s now slide to fifth in the world power rankings. New Zealand sports media find themselves in a feeding frenzy, circling coach Ian Foster as pressure builds for him to get the sack. But I propose a much more radical change. Sure we could continue to retool the coaching staff, shuffle the Weet-Bix deck and even bring Stephen out of retirement, but maybe it’s bigger than all that. Maybe we need to face facts and realise that rugby’s just not for us anymore. I propose we choose a new national sport.

Candidates for New Zealand’s new national sport:

Lawn Bowls

In case you weren’t aware, we’re an outdoor lawn bowls powerhouse, sitting fifth on the all-time overall Commonwealth medal table. Yes that’s right, your local lawn bowl club is still very much pumping and isn’t just around as a backup venue for your 21st.

Haggis Hurling

A sneaky great choice when you crunch the numbers. All we need to do is defeat the Scots, the Canadians and a few Belgians in order to claim world superiority. With enough funding, we could surely lure a few shot-put hopefuls over to the sport in the heavyweight division that allows haggis up to one kgs in weight.

Competitive Yoga

Yes, it’s a thing and yes, it doesn’t really make sense. What does make sense is the number of Kiwis probably on the cusp of a spiritual retreat to Rishikesh that we could funnel into yoga training camps. It’s time to weaponize soul searching and produce a Bishnu Charan Ghosh Cup champion.