Waikat' Weekly

When Hamill meets Hamilton

Mr. Seamus Lohrey himself

Bike mystery Solved

Seamus Lohrey As a lad from the mythical South Island, where the ground shakes beneath us and snow falls from above us, I admittedly knew very little about the mighty Waikato when I first came here. But through an intensive sleuth, filing through reports of Morrinsville’s U45KG rugby team and Waipā’s riveting new museum, I now feel I know everything there is to know about this mighty region. I’m a Hamiltonian if you will. As a result of my restless research, here’s some hand-picked, wholesome stories about our mates around the Waikato, I found just for your eyeballs.

Luke Skywalker senses the force in Hamilton

Gavin Shoebridge made a claim on Twitter that Hamilton was actually named after Luke Skwywalker himself, Mark Hamill. “A lot of people don't realise that Hamilton was actually named after the actor, Mark Hamill.” The shock came to Shoebridge when he saw the iconic figure of Star Wars was quick to respond. “Is this really true or is it just a joke?” After an embarrassing dismissal of Hamill’s hopeful question, Shoebridge saw a lot of support for the idea with one person saying “I think the people of the Tron would gladly adopt a legend as their namesake ... I know I would”. Surely anything is better than being named after famed Pā destroyer, John Hamilton? With the race for Mayor starting to take off in Kirikiriroa, maybe we should give Mr Hamill a crack.

Cambridge man meets woman who saved his life before All Blacks test match

of the year, Waikato man Dean Herewini blacked out and crashed his car. It wasn’t too soon after that a nearby saviour draped in green, Sara Hartigan, met the man and began CPR. These heroics from the Irish fan led to Herwini being alive today, enabling him to set up a ceremony of gratitude at Hautapu Rugby Club, Cambridge. “I appreciate what you’ve done, I wouldn’t be here with my friends and be able to see your lovely smile again” said Dean. Herewini and his rugby club gave an All Blacks, Ireland, and Waikato signed rugby jerseys as a way of thanks as well as an after function for New Zealand and Ireland fans to mingle. “She’s my four leaf clover, my irish angel.” Awwwwwww.

2005 case of a stolen Waitomo motorbike cracked by man ‘killing time’ on the internet.

After a 17 year long search, and a journey to Arizona, a Waitomo family has found their once stolen motorbike. Kevin Gualys, the owner of the heirloom, found himself on the internet ‘killing time’ and stumbled across the vehicle for sale. Now, initially the question begs, why on earth do you keep looking for something after close to two decades of it being lost? Well, being one of three of its kind in New Zealand and belonging to a WWII soldier, the 1929 BSA Sloper motorbike was not only of great value to the family but to the market place as well. “I discovered that a collector had paid US$20,000 to the [Arizona] auction house and the motorbike was now in New York” said Gualys. After plenty of paperwork with American authorities, the motorbike is now back in the Waikato in one piece.

Jak Rāta

“Fuck being happy, only rich matters”

Chris Luxon, off the back of his Te Puke shenanigans, has come out to say that sitting on welfare won’t make you rich. Guess making ends meet doesn’t mean shit anymore. Head empty, only money.

“Eat ass, it’s probably cheaper”

People are fed up with Woolworths and Foodstuffs upon realising they’re receiving a profit of $1m daily at the expense of us chums paying 5 huck for some cauliflower.

“Our fish king goes fast”

New Zealand swimmer Andrew Jeffcoat has won the gold medal in the 50 metre backstroke at the Birmingham Commonwealth Games.

“You get $116, you get $116”

Small town of Westport in the mighty south, has hit an all time low for housing prices with an average house price of $325,000.

“Pro: Own a home. Con: Live in Westport”

The government is under fire as several reports of overseas kiwis receive the cost of living payment proposed to alleviate the stresses of costs in Aotearoa, highlighting the disparities.

“Yeah 23m SHOULD be enough bro. It’s just water”

The Waikato river protection policy has cost some $23 million so far as Waikato Regional Council and local Iwi await its full implementation.

James Raffan & Jak Rāta

Many factors can impact a sports team's success as a new season begins. More often than not, it is the smart decision. A change in Manager, a few fresh signings, or cutting out some of the disenchanted dead wood at a club who are bringing down morale can impact the fortunes of a club. Likewise, it can be entirely down to how your team starts a season, a few unexpected wins can codify the myth of a newly promoted club being a fairytale story, while at the other end of the spectrum, a few unexpected losses and you become the tabloid fodder for hack journalists. Your team is in crisis, and management is underperforming.

These days, thanks to the influence of American sports, everything is becoming statistic driven. Assessments are made on the likely performance of a Premier League team based on past performance, XG (eXpected Goals) are probability vs position stats, and every minute detail is analysed and overanalyzed. And why? Because some nerdy mathlete saw MoneyBall a decade ago and decided they would be the next Jonah Hill.

I’m not saying there is no place for science in sport or even predictive patterns, but I am saying that in any game, to look at the stats in isolation is to do a disservice to the theatre of it and the reason you are a fan in the first place. Take football, for instance. Could anyone have predicted Blackburn or Leicester winning the Premier League? Would anyone have looked at Fulham as a potential Europa League Winner, or David Moyes as a manager of the year contender? Statistics and science, according to Neil Degrasse Tyson, are a means to disprove the existence of God. God starts in every endeavour as the thing we can’t explain and the role of the scientist is to reduce that to zero. But sport is a place where whichever God you believe in comes to play. It is purely a matter of faith. And to woefully prove how little we know or can explain, Hoata and I (before the games of round one) are going to predict two premier league tables.

Mine will be based on hope and how much I want things to happen. Jak’s will be based on how pretty the home strip is. Will either of us be anywhere close to the actual results in the Premier League… probably not, but maybe. And ‘maybe’ is kinda the point.

Raffy’s Rankings

20. Fulham - One of my best friends loves Fulham, also they are Fulham.

19. Bournemouth - Do I really need a reason?

18. Everton - Because Frank Lampard is to Alex Ferguson what Stephen Hawking was to Usain Bolt.

17. Southampton - This is about the best they can hope for.

16. Brentford - Still shit, but now without their only great player.

15. Leeds - Honestly, they could be 20th or 3rd. But if Bamford is leading the line 15 seems about right.

14. Brighton & Hove Albion - No sophomore curse here.

13. Wolves - They could be higher when they sign Ronaldo, and legally I think all Portuguese players are required by birth to spend a season at Wolves.

12. Nottingham Forest - This is the underdog story!

11. Leicester City - I’ve got a bad feeling about them this year

10. West Ham United - Declan Rice will sit out in January after he demands a move.

9. Crystal Palace - Patrick FUCKING Vierra, that is why.

8. Aston Villa - see above; replace Patrick Vierra with Steven Gerrard.

7. Newcastle - Money may not buy them a title, but they are going to try.

6. Chelsea - I hate American owners.

5. Arsenal - Because you can buy 30 players and Arsenal will still be a joke.

4. Liverpool - Because Darwin Nunes is the new Andy Carrol.

3. Spurs - If Conte melts down and leaves then they could be as low as six, but they are recruiting well and I think will finish ahead of Liverpool.

2. Manchester City - Sure, they will probably beat the league by 16 points, but winning the league to me means more if we beat City.