Whelmed 34 Cooked

Traumatikos the Greek

The Greeks were some smart as dudes (and women, but men took all the credit). I think of their mythos often. Sisyphus with his constantly pushing shit uphill. There was that dude with liver issues. And Dionysus loves a good tipple. The reason I bring up the Greeks is cos of this concept of trauma. The golden rule of columns is never to start with a definition, but the etymology of the word trauma is Greek. The word is traumatikos, meaning “pertaining to a wound”. Now my mental health has improved lately which is awesome, but it got me thinking about this idea of trauma – which I’ve spoken about as being the source of some of my difficult experiences of life and my issues. Now this isn’t specific to me, in my opinion. So many of us are affected by shitty things that happen to us in life. It’s also relative. Something traumatic to one person, may not affect the person as much. That doesn’t make your trauma any less than mine or vice versa. The experience is what matters. There’s some important discussion points I want to bring up that are relevant here, and I’m going to throw in a bunch of platitudes to jazz this up. But in short – we don’t choose whether we’re born or not. That decision is made for us by some other person, or the lizard people if you believe David Icke. Someone once told me this premise:

To be entered into a life or death lottery without permission is unfair.

Life is a lottery.

Therefore life is unfair. Given that none of us really know why we’re here (if there even is a reason) and we were born without our input into that decision, potentially against our will, doesn’t it make sense to help each other out? Here’s another platitude sound bite: If only some of us win, then none of us win.

The other discussion point I have, is that if our experiences of life, or at least the tough bits, are shaped or influenced by our trauma, why not spend more time healing it and giving more support for those whose trauma is potentially dominating their life story? Personally, no amount of mindfulness is going to mend the fact that my brain calls me some pretty awful things at times. CBT is not going to change the emotional reaction I experience whenever I walk into a hospital – and ironically I’ve chosen to work in a hospital. Damn masochist. But I digress, CBT may work for some, but this seemingly linear process is unrealistic in my experience. Life is not a flow chart.

This column really has turned into a soapbox of sound bites and random discussion points. But before I go, one last criticism. I hear people when they say that what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger or helps us grow. However, to offer an alternative perspective:

“I've had enough bad experiences and growth to last me plenty… Right now, I'd be glad to trade some growth for happiness” – Harvey Pekar

PASS THE AUX

my gym playlist but i haven’t gone to the gym Tehana De Clerk

Basshunter

05. Basshunter - Now You’re Gone

06. Black Eyed Peas - Rock That Body

07. Gilz - Intro: A Soldier’s Rage

08. Toru Kitajima - Unravel

Porno Graffitti AC/DC

01. Blackway, Black Caviar - What’s Up Danger

02. AC/DC - Back In Black

03. Thirty Seconds to Mars - This Is War

04. Linkin Park - New Divide

LIME CORDIALE

09. Samuel Kim - Akaza vs Rengoku Theme

10. Kohta Yamamoto - Ashes on the Fire

11. Porno Graffitti - The Day

12. AniLifts - AOT If I Lose It All

“Whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven,”

Matthew 16:19

Non-descript private school attire.

Ties that

Bind: The shady present of private schools vs Human Rights

What do we actually know about private schools? Sometimes they wear ties, sometimes they have tennis courts, oh and it turns out they don’t give a shit about the laws we hold true on earth or basic human rights. So we sent Jak down another rabbit hole… because he loves convoluted theories about random shit.

Jak Rāta

Whether you’re a local or not to the mighty Tauranga, there’s a chance you’d have heard some of the murmurings happening in recent times as Bethlehem College has proven, once again, the absolute chaos that is Christian Education. If you’re one of the lucky ones who’ve skipped over this vital news, here’s the skinny.

‘Bethlehem College is challenging their rights to religious freedom in adherence to their agreed upon “Statement of belief’”, or more simply put ‘Bethlehem College is homophobic, transphobic and just down-right cunts’. Cue the complete anarchy that has ensued post the ‘Statement of Belief’ analysis from the all-seeing eye of God – or just anyone with an internet connection really. Troubled parents of the more sjw-raised children had delved a little too deeply into private school fine-print, discovering the line “Marriage is an institution created by God in which one man and one woman enter into an exclusive relationship intended for life, and that marriage is the only form of partnership approved by God for sexual relations”. See, I don’t know about you, but I couldn’t care less about the homophobia but rather why a school that promotes abstinence and chastain, cares about including a statement re marriage and fucking.

So, here’s what I’m trying to illuminate and achieve. There needs to be awareness of the disparities in equal opportunity and further information into where private schools create elitism and selective communities within the confines of their institutions. I’ll attempt to unpack statements of belief and also highlight where there’s places to fix some of the less desirable elements of private schooling.

I wanted to start by discussing some of the inner workings of privatised schooling systems, how they fare compared to your general public school, and what that means for acceptance and codes of conducts. One of the easier ways of offering this battle up to you, would be to just list them side by side, showing you differences between a Statement of Belief and general CoC/mission statement offered by a BOT.

The Unity of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit in the Godhead.

The Sovereignty of God in creation, revelation, redemption and final judgement. The divine inspiration and trustworthiness of Holy Scripture, as originally given, and its supreme authority in all matters of faith, practice and conduct.

The universal sinfulness and guilt of human nature since the fall, rendering man subject to God’s judgement and condemnation. Redemption from the guilt, penalty, pollution and the power of sin only through the sacrificial death of the Lord Jesus Christ, the incarnate Son of God.

The working of the Holy Spirit in the individual’s life to bring about justification and reconciliation to God by repentance and faith in Christ alone.

The Deity and Humanity of Jesus Christ; His bodily resurrection from the dead; His ascension; His mediatorial work and His personal return in power and glory.

The indwelling and sanctifying work of the Holy Spirit in the believer, developing each individual in their personal ministry to the Lord.

The One, Holy, Universal Church, which is the Body of Christ, to which all true believers belong and in which they are united through the Holy Spirit; and the importance of each local church in the life of the individual.

The bodily resurrection of the dead and life everlasting. Christ’s Commission to His people as expressed in Matthew 28:18-20.

The honour due to the Jewish people and the land of Israel in the light of Scripture, typically, Isaiah 54:10; Jeremiah 32:37-42; Romans 11:28-29. achievement by individuals and groups in terms of both participation in, and success at, all that we offer as a School. We affirm the fundamental right of every student to learn to the best of their ability and potential in an environment that is positive, safe, friendly, caring and supportive of young people.

We will encourage students to take pride in their School and their appearance through recognition of self identity, family and culture.

We will expect students to acknowledge and respect the rights of each individual and the collective rights of all students and staff who make up our School.

Making a comparison between a statement of belief and a mission statement may seem like a moot point but remember that both of these are to be agreed upon as a REQUIREMENT before admission is granted. Why this matters is simply down to subject matter. Mission statements stay relatively similar as their intent always has success and the students well-being as their priority. No one is denying that student well-being isn’t the first priority for private schools, in fact I’m certain there’s a major responsibility of care in all education providers, but their duty of care seems to fall upon the chosen few based on their selective committees and decisions to allow or disallow specific pupils.

A Couply Disparities

An important point that should be made is that Mission statements are prevalent in a large majority of schooling codes of conduct, with the intent of success being plastered as often as possible. This isn’t me trying to mitigate the intent of each private institution; but to highlight disparities in education offered through selective committees with an admission checklist a mile long.

“In 2017, the Tāmaki school roll boasted the most ethnically diverse region in New Zealand, but its schools, on average, did not reflect this diversity. In general, as a region’s ethnic diversity increases, schools become less diverse compared to the overall diversity of the region’s school population.” (educationcounts.govt.nz)

Data collected through polling in 2017 suggests there’s a ethnic disparity between regions as selective committees allow entrance based on a myriad of suggested traits. A local Hamilton Christian school boasts an extensive 8 levels of priority when taking into account an acceptance into their institution – an important distinction being their commitment to the Anglican faith and how involved they are in their community.

The Transfiguration of Christ (1517–1520). Rafael Sanzio.

First Priority

A girl who is a baptised Anglican and is active in an Anglican Parish.

Second Priority

A girl who is actively involved in an Anglican Parish.

Third Priority

A girl who is a baptised Anglican.

Fourth Priority

Sister of a current or past student.

I think you get the idea right?

There’s a large part of me that would love to delve into the tithe/fees breakdown, looking at the cost benefit of running a religion based private school – but the can of worms isn’t nearly worth the battle. To just generally break it down, tithe is an offering at a standard 10% of income to your local church. Say you were then wanting to put your child through Private Christian high-schooling, you’re looking at an average of $24,000.00 Per Annum with a whopping total of $120,000.00 over the duration of their 5 year tenure*. But you’re also paying tithe to attend their church? That’s not to imply you’d attend the same church/parish of the institution your children attend, though it is interesting to think about, no?

*all stats received through fees breakdowns through individual providers.

An Attempted Interview

In preparation for this piece, I did reach out to several sources in the hope that I’d get some formative feedback in an attempt to break down their systems, making it understandable to someone not being overcome by faith-based practices or influenced by organised religion. Of the several sources, they included Larne Edmeades (Bethlehem College Principal), Jason Speedy (Southwell School Principal) and BOT chair John Macaskill-Smith (St. Peters Cambridge). All requests for communication were met with silence or a simple ‘No’ in at least case. But, I was able to receive answers to my minor questions through a member of an unnamed BOT for an anonymous private school.

Ētita note: While I did have some answers from the aforementioned Chairperson, their answers were redacted very last minute. As a means of proving my point, the very brief answers have been blacked out but left to show the length and simplicity of an answer prior to silencing themselves.

What are your thoughts, if any, towards the enforcement of the ‘Statement of Belief’ as sanctioned by the Board of Trustees at Does your institution adhere to any strict guidelines that aren’t cohesive with teachings given by the curriculum provided by NZQA?

Do you, or any of your board, believe that marriage is to be held between a man and a woman as joined by a priest or any man of worship?

As an institution, do you believe that the fundamental right to education should be judged according to the values and beliefs as stipulated by a small board of religiouslyinclined educators – furthermore do you believe your teaching practices to be in line with modern needs for growth in education?

*The answers provided a calculated response to what I’d intended to be an informative view into religion-based education, but we make do with what we get given.

Get to the Point

Private schooling makes up 31,142 of the 826,552 currently enrolled students in Aotearoa. While this may not seem to be a large percentage of tauira, it’s an important number as you delve into the less glitzy side of education. Numbers based on money, orientation and the will to uphold values set through hundreds of years of information passed from man to man.

There’s no avert answer to fixing privatised learning, nor do I think I can solve what it means to be involved in private school politics but there does need to be an upheaval of education providers restricting access to a fundamental right. If I was to offer advice as a failing educator and lover of all things broken, I would say that allowing lessrestricted access to higher education is a must. You can achieve great heights through public schooling (shout out to my Fraser High Alumni) but there’s a certain sparkle to receiving education through a private system – not that I will ever regret my time at a public school.

Sponsored by Last Place :)

DARTZ

Jak Rāta

Fomo Tings:

EP...;)

Follow them: @DARTZ

HOONS

What has been the best venue you’ve played?

Honestly when DARTZ came up to play at Last Place for the first time in January, we were smacked in the face by how good that venue was. Burgs, beers, late night snacks, what more could you want out of a venue? It's a solid 10 as far as I'm concerned. If you can make it to Welly and see DARTZ at San Fran though, that's something special. It's not just our home town, it's our home stage: emotionally I don't think there's as good a feeling as smashing a final dart on the San Fran balcony then heading up to stage to shred it

If I asked you to explain your sound to someone who’s never heard your music before, how would you explain it?

We're shooting for the next Nature's Best 2CD compilation, but landing somewhere more around a 24 Beer Drinking Songs To Drink Beer To 2CD compilation.

Who’s who in the band, what’s everyone's role and vibe?

Danz: Luscious lyricist of DARTZ, local boy straight outta Te Aroha, DARTZ artz (@yeehawtheboys he never misses).

Crispy: DARTZ designated driver, punches the most darts, halloumi fiend, guitar solo skills improving week to week.

Rollyz: Wholesome Whakatane boy, absolute unit on the drums, Olympic level rolling ability in those fingers. guitar but not making a big thing of it, despises craft beer, writing this right now.

Recently you released the single, Hoons, what’s on your upcoming shit we should be on the lookout for?

We're planning to hit #1 on the New Zealand Album Charts later this year and you know there's only one way to do that. Save your money for Christmas, kids.

Who’s some of your inspirations, what artists should we be frothing if we like your shit?

Make good decisions team, if you like DARTZ go listen to Shaun's B'day and Israeli Chicks. If we do nothing else as a band but keep the flag flying for these two brilliant and defunct acts, we've still done something right.

What’s the goal for Dartz? Who do you all want to be in like five years?

I've always assumed that with Smokefree 2025 on the horizon, we're pretty screwed. Honestly, who knows, we'd like to make enough to buy a regional NZ pub so maybe put that as the goal?

Fav after-gig snack?

No bones about it - dumplings are the go to. Pork and chive if possible, a bit of cucumber salad on the side maybe. I'm guessing the science behind this is that dumplings gel the best with beer? In any case please send through your best Hamilton dumpling recs to us on the gram @smokedartz so we are well informed next time we come through.

Boycott Supermarkets

Factcheck: Supermarkets are evil.

On the surface, you may find this argument confusing. Why are supermarkets evil? They provide us with food which fulfils one of our basic human rights? If you’re asking these questions, you’re not wrong, but I want to take a different approach. One that’ll leave you wet from liberal propaganda.

According to Woolworths, their supermarket chains “are on a mission to deliver the best in convenience, value and quality for our customers”. You may recognise Woolworths as they own Countdown. On the other hand, Pak N Save and New World are owned by Foodstuffs, whose philosophy is based on ‘supporting every New Zealander to access healthy and affordable food’.

The main premise as to why supermarkets are evil lies in profits. We can see this as we encounter a pandemic, a war, and inflation. As students we experience these in housing, petrol, and food costs. Recently, a block of cheese at Countdown sold for $21.50. If you compare food prices to this time last year, they’ve increased by 7.6%. Seeing this, I’ve personally begun to question whether supermarket prices are solely the result of globalised events, or whether businessmen are driving up prices to make extra profit.

This isn’t a conspiracy. New Zealand has the sixth highest grocery prices in the developed world. Woolworths and Foodstuffs essentially control the $22 billion grocery market. Their profit margins are 50% more than the international norm, and that was last year alone. There is little to stop business owners driving up food prices, for their benefit. It’s been revealed that in 2022, supermarket profits are twice as high as they should be. You can image these corporations as big, fickle men pickpocketing from the working class.

For us, that means a bigger struggle to make ends meet. If you were already struggling in pre-pandemic times, the present is only harder. If we look back at Woolworths and Foodstuffs values, we see a contradiction. They’re failing to provide convenience and access to affordable food. It’s difficult to look elsewhere and support smaller businesses, and often those that do exist are driven out by corporate competition.

At its core, supermarket prices and profits are unjust. We need options, and they are available, they just aren’t packaged as convenient. For those who are fortunate to have patches of grass outside their flats, build a planter box. Having the ability to grow your own vegetables is a massive middle finger to supermarkets. Farmers markets are another option in supporting smaller businesses who’ve been through the thick of the pandemic.

At the end of the day, my main proposal is always more radical. Revolt against the capitalists, the bourgeois, and the elite. They don’t care about you and it’s time we give them the same energy. Set Countdown on fire because of their price freezes. It is in this process where you find comradery, my beautiful marxist.

Hey there fellow democratic citizen! Firstly, I would like to make sure that you have registered, and are prepared to exercise your human right to vote in the upcoming local body elections (16th September - 8th October) and the general election in 2023!

What’s that? You’re just not that into politics?

WRONG ANSWER!

There is no such thing as being apolitical. Your decision to be complicit is harmful in itself. Excluding yourself from conversations and decisions that determine the safety and wellbeing of others makes you complicit in the systemic oppression by the status quo (that thrives on mass inaction and silence!). It is a privilege to not care about politics because they don't affect you, lots of people don’t share in that luxury.

Having a say in our collective future is so important. Our existing systems, institutions, policies, and decision makers are shaping our futures as you read this. It is imperative that we empower our Rangatahi by allowing them to voice concerns for their own future in order to restore a sense of hope and agency. Part of this kaupapa, is making sure that youth who will inherit the future have a say in its construction. This is why there is a mass movement of young people campaigning to lower the voting age to 16 here in Aotearoa.

“16 year olds can’t vote!” you say, “they are too young!”. Are you kidding? Young people are having to face intense pressures of the climate crisis, worsening inequality, my mouldy bedroom walls, stolen whenua and appropriated identities, a global pandemic… need I go on? Youth deserve a say in how we tackle these issues. “They’ll just vote like their parents!”. Maybe, but I don’t know about you, but my vision for the future is very different to that of my parents and theirs. My point here is that youth in Aotearoa (and across the world) face massive challenges now and in the future. Our ability to combat such challenges will be affected most by the political decisions made today. If you care about student wellbeing, the climate, the cost of living, housing, your friends, your community, your family, your future, then you should care about making it to 16.

There are a number of reasons why lowering the voting age to 16 is a good idea. For example, giving 16 and 17 year olds the right to vote would strengthen our democracy, with a larger number of voices heard in the decision making processes. Scotland, Wales, Austria and many other countries have seen the benefits of increased youth turnout since lowering the voting age to 16 (and their countries didn’t fall into anarchy). New Zealand used to lead the world in the provision of democratic rights, but is now falling behind. Still not convinced? Give this a thought. Society allows 16 and 17 year olds to have sex, buy guns and chainsaws, drive, decide their medical treatments, leave school, work and to pay tax, and yet not the right to vote? Seems a little sketchy to me.

The Make it 16 campaign has even taken this issue to the supreme court - the highest court in Aotearoa - to seek a formal decleration that preventing 16 and 17 year-olds from voting is unjustified age discrimination under the New Zealand Bill of Rights Act 1990.

Most importantly, we have our petition to the House of Representatives - to Extend the vote to 16 and 17 yearolds, for both Local and General Elections. We are aiming for 10,000 signatures by the end of September! Signing this petition supports Make it 16’s campaign to extend the vote in Aotearoa. The time for change is now - sign the petition (our.actionstation.org.nz/petitions/make-thevoting-age-16), join the campaign (we would LOVE more Waikato representatives), and follow our journey on social media @makeit16nz. Ngā mihi nui e te change makers xx

The joys of car sex

Car sex can be something that spices a relationship up, or is just simply a last minute resort. But whether you’re fucking for convinience or a pure rush as you battle that innate desire to be caught by the outside world, I’m going to offer up some advice to help with any auto-related fun-fuck-fests.

Caught with your pants down

You're in a car, not a bed. So never take off all your clothes... never ever simp in a whip. Keep enough clothes on; you need a contingency plan in case someone knocks on that window. That way, you can get dressed quickly and pretend you weren't blowing them out—while the person who catches you knows you were.

Pick a seat

Off the bat, know which direction you’re HEADing in. If you’re gonna be filled to the hilt with a shaft, hit the front. You want to be slapping ass and riding dirty? Get your ass in the back. It’s hard to cum if you’re constantly being stopped by their back smacked into the horn in an attempt to cowgirl it in the driver's seat. Plus changing from the front to the back while slap nuts, you may end up with more than a strap up your arse. Pray they don’t drive a manual.

Take the scene root

I have no clue how you can take a road trip, five deep in a fourdoor and the windows not get foggy. But you get it on with a fuck for 20 minutes and it's like a 24-hour fitness sauna in the car. Crack the windows...unless you're just trying to lose some weight. And if your partner is musky, don’t point out the stink teke. Just breathe through your mouth.

Climax: with care

Sometimes you just can't control it. You can be the G of all Gs, but when you reach the end, shit just happens for you two. While you're blowing their back out, make sure they keep their feet away from the windows, because they could very well bust a nut and your window with their foot at the same time. And if you’re being blown out, then keep account of all flailing limbs. Broken bones won’t make up for a righteous root.

Check the cloth

Okay, I know that in theory having leather seats makes cleaning up a breeze, but honestly having a burn from the hide on your cheeks isn’t worth the hassle of throwing down a towel. Which brings me to my next point, cleaning fabric. Cars can have seats of every desirable finish and fabric, but cum can be a fucking mission to get out. Now I don’t think that carrying around hydrogen peroxide or some easy-off bam is going to be inconspicuous, but some handy dandy wet wipes makes clean up easy as. Just get that gunk off and clean it proper when you’re home – don’t overthink it bro.

Go forth my sex gremlins and enjoy the world that is vehicular cumming and understand that you’re not odd in wanting to explore your partner in the safety of a beat up toyota corolla, but wanting to fuck the corolla? Tune in next time bby ;)