Touch me tender

Words JANET McGEEVER

Have you ever given someone a compliment and they fobbed it off? Or a gift of something you thought was really special, but it wasn’t received as you’d hoped? It doesn’t feel good, does it?

How well do you receive?

In the 5 Love Languages, Gary Chapman writes that each of us leans towards one or two love languages. Go online and do the test to see what language you score higher in – I guarantee that you and your partner will be different. This is a great way to get to know how your partner ‘receives’.

Life doesn’t always come in the package we want. There are so many factors that shape us, and in this process, we develop our own definition of giving and receiving. That definition or filter can sometimes limit the spectrum of our lives and love itself.

In my work with couples, I see many who feel frozen when it comes to physical intimacy. Our past experiences can lead to a shutdown to touch and can be associated with trauma for many. Very few of us have a secure relationship with touch.

Often for women, in their mind, touch leads to sex. If they don’t want it, aren’t ready for it or need longer to warm up than have been given in the past, it can be really hard to receive what a partner is giving. The woman can have a freeze response, which triggers some damaging misconceptions. The term ‘she’s frigid’ is the saddest saying I’ve heard because it’s not ever true. She’s not frigid; a woman’s body is not frigid.

If you recognise yourself or your partner in my words, here are a few tips about touch:

• Let go of the goal of ‘getting’ or receiving anything yourself.

• Wait for the invitation from the body. Don’t launch towards their body, relax yourself first. Your bodies will start to resonate together.

• Relaxation encourages expansion and openness. Moving too quickly causes contraction and closing.

• Approach their skin like it’s a precious gift – tender and attentive.

• Imagine love pouring from your heart down through your arms to your fingertips.

• For the receiver, connect more with your own body – sink deep into it. Often your body has not been ‘your own’.

• Be truthful – “I need more time”, “Hang on, I just need to relax more before we go further”.

This pathway through receiving and giving creates love, and expands your life and love instead of leading to misunderstanding, conflict and estrangement.

Janet is a psychotherapist and co-author of Tantric Sex and Menopause, presenter of the Making Love Retreat in Australia and creator of Womantime Retreat. She helps women thrive emotionally, and couples connect more deeply in their intimate relationships. www.janetmcgeever.com