Technician - January 30, 2009 by NC State Student Media

Disinforming the students and the University community since 1893

VOLUME 41, ISSUE 10

IRFDAY, JANUARY 30, 2009

www.carolinasucks.com

Military restricts Franklin Street Sports | Page 11 BUZZER BEATER Ebonics professor Cryall’s last minute decision saves UNC basketball season as she decides to pass Thai Lostson

University | page 69 COME VISIT US We have no friends at the Daily Tar Hell and would love your company tonight

Forum | page slevin ATTEND THE FORUM Coments and concerns about how bad we are? The Daily Tar Hell is hosting a public forum Feb. 5th. Come and have your voice ignored. Can’t attend? E-mail noone@nowhere.com

National Guard to use deadly force to ensure safety of residents MAGGIE POOCH DOOFUS-IN-CHIEF

What might you expect to see if you walk out to Franklin Street on Halloween this year? A scantily clad sexy devil? A horde of drunken ogres? A pair of penises floating around Spanky’s? Think again. The only frightening feature of this treasured Tar Hole cluster cluck you’ll see will be an assortment of land mines, barbed wire and flame throwers. After calling for a “Homegrown Halloween” in 2008, Town Manager Rob N. Stanstil. approved a measure today that will call for maximum force to ensure that the crowd size will remain “as small as possible.” “We’re sick and tired of drunken Durhamites coming in here with their video cameras and taking away our virginal female population’s dignity,” Stanstil said. “There comes a point where you have to take harsh action. Enough is enough.” A lthough Stanstil believes that the ideal crowd

size would be zero persons per square mile, he admits that may not be possible if the city wants to allow the newly commissioned National Guard units to patrol the streets. “We jumped at the opportunity to patrol Franklin Street on Halloween,” Macon Paine, a special ops unit commander from the 43rd Infantry Division, said. “With us on the street, maybe no one will get shot this time.” Paine has laid out a plan of action for Halloween that involves tainting the beverage distilleries with potassium cyanide and requiring apocalyptic-style marks for access to the street’s diverse array of restaurants. “We really want to cut back on the overall consumption of alcohol and have a major system of control for food consumption,” Paine said. “All that post-Halloween vomit has been a health hazard in recent years.” After receiving presidential approval to suspend the writ of habeas corpus, the city council has authorized National Guard medical units to administer total frontal lobotomies for individuals not complying with the regulations. Willie B. Hardigan, a junior in political correctness, applauds City Council leaders for coming up with what he describes as the “most logical plan.” “Sure, it’s going to kill a lot of people, but if they break the law they deserve to lose a very important part of their life,” Hardigan said. “Me love the way stuff hap-

DTHELL/ERIN BURR

Army and Air National Guards protect the precious Franklin Street on Halloween. The move was made to keep foreigners out of Chapel Hell. Three non-students were shot to keep the street pure.

pens in the state of Chapel Hill.” Before trailing off into a series of non sequitur statements, Hardigan revealed that he underwent a similar operation while participating in a trial clinic directed by UNC’s School of Medicine. Chancellor Holdin Stork and Campus Police Chief Wanda Reich-Gooberschmidt neither condone nor accept the military action but have insisted that the campus will fully cooperate

ART VANDELAY VILLAGE IDIOT

FOOSBALL COACH TO STAY

Negotiatons could change team colors

DTHELL/MITT DOUGHERTY

The construction on the Vineyard Vines on Franklin street is nearly complete. The drive thru will give students near instant access to the clothing lines first store in North Carolina.

MACHINE OF CHANGE New change machine installed in all cafeterias. Student response is Xtreme.

Thrill to make exception to drivethru ordinance

Blueshirt senior Taylor Hansblow has decided to begin wearing glasses instead of contacts, citing that searching for missing contacts during games leaves him stressed out and leads to acne breakouts. There are estimations that during his four year collegiate career, Hansblow has delayed at least 42 games for a combined three hours and 12 minutes. “The refs always stop the game and let me catch my breath when I lose a contact,” Hansblow said. “And then everyone looks for it while I retrace my steps and try to remember the last time I saw it.” But despite game officials offering his team free timeouts, Hansblow insists that he would

JAN. 30, 1976 Lassie saves girl from Olde Well. Prompts saftey renovations.

City Council unanimously agrees to allow Vineyard Vines to build drivethru outlet

weather

DOUCHEBOX MCSPERRYS

It always sucks here.

index

The Times & Trials of Bibby Freezer ....... 41 The Rites of Fanhood................................... 10 Well-endowed.................................................41 That’s what she said......................................10 Games ............................................................ 41-10

Corrections

If you have any corrections type them up on your Lenovos in comic sans, print them out on recycled paper and throw them away in the trash can, we don’t do that!

SENIOR STAFF WRITER

In an unprecedented move, the Chapel Hill city council passed an exception to the ordinance restricting the construction of drive-thrus within the city limits. The beneficiary of this exception — none other than Vineyard Vines, the world’s preppiest clothing line. City Council member Mitchell Tavernay said the local government really did not have an option. “Here in Chapel Hill, there is an almost insatiable appetite for Vineyard Vines clothing,” Tavernay said. “Around

DTHell ONLINE: Check out Vineyard Vines inventory and openings at Carolinasucks.com

these parts, preppy clothing brands like Vineyard Vine’s are king. There would have been riots had we refused.” The ordinance against drivethru’s was instituted in 1969 as a way to maintain the nostalgic small-town feel of Chapel Hill. Former mayor Eugene V. Debs, who was among those supporting the regulation, said the ban was to ensure Chapel Hill would be nothing if not upper crust. “Drive-thrus are for the lower class—the kind of people who shop in strip malls and buy used cars,” Debs said. “In Chapel Hill, we are better than that. Carolina students wouldn’t get caught dead wearing something without that little pink whale, or even a polo or gator shirt. It’s because they are better than you. They are clearly smarter, because their school is ranked higher. And they all have incredibly marketable majors like American studies or Slavic languages”

Vineyard Vines is expected to begin construction in early 2010 and to be complete by Christmas of that year. One of the new outlet’s major attractions is the planned “aromadousers” which will deliver a steady mist of Abercrombie & Fitch cologne to cars in the drive-thru line. Katrina Kenan, a junior triple majoring in Renaissance art theory, literature and pronunciation of dead languages and existentialist tendencies of neo-modern transcendentalists, said the student body is excited about the proposed Vineyard Vines drive-thru. “I am totally pumped that Vineyard Vines is going to build a drive-thru outlet,” Kenan said. “Now, I can have easy access to all the cardigans and overpriced tees that allow me to be accepted in the Thrill.”

WE HOPE THAT NO ONE WAS HARMED BY THIS SPOOF EDITION OF THE DAILY TAR HEEL. ANY RESEMBLANCE TO REAL NAMES OR PLACES IS ENTIRELY COINCIDENTAL. UNLIKE OUR COMRADES DOWN THE ROAD, WE LIKE TO HAVE FUN.

like to begin wearing glasses during games so he knows when his coach is joking with him. “Sometimes coach yells ‘Tyrone! You dropped a frickin’ contact on the court!’ and I look at him and I’m confused because I feel it in front of my eye,” Hillsborough said. “But he just keeps yelling, so I stoop down and pretend to look for it - coach likes to feel like he’s right - and he talks to my teammates while I feel around on the ground, and then when he’s done, we go back to doing whatever. He’s a funny coach, because he only plays that joke on me when we’re losing.” Balancing act Still, Tarhole fans wonder how Handsburrow will be able to balance his glasses on his nose while SEE BLOW PAGE 12

Policy bans discrimination POPMA CHERIE THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID

this day in history

with orders to shoot to kill any resident choosing to approach Franklin Street. “The world is too dangerous for our students to be out frolicking around,” Turd said. “And if our students can’t go without using the bathroom for 12 hours, maybe we just need to quit using student fees to pay for dining hall laxatives.”

Hansblow prepares to get bifocals

Spurts | page 3.1415

Distractions| page .36

with the city to ensure that the Kristallnacht is efficient while also being beneficial for Tar Hole fans. “I just want to remind everyone that the best place to be during Halloween is where you will be the safest — on Hillsboro Street giving money to Raleigh people,” Reich-Gooberschmidt said. RAs will be trained for combat and issued 9mm handguns for the otherwise festive event

After three days of deliberation, university officials have unanimously decided on new laws on segregation on campus. Officials believe that the new university-wide policy will make the Hill more welcoming to students that do not fit the stereotypical Chapel Thrill mold. According to Chancellor Holdon Baws, the administration feels that the new policies will make political correctness a staple of the university. “With this new policy, the students and faculty will be required to ignore all qualities that make people individuals,” Baws said. “Students who do not adhere to the new policy will face severe consequences. On the first violation the perpetrator will be banned from campus for a week and on second violation, the perpetrator will be banned from all University affiliated things for life and sent to North Carolina Central University for the remainder of their college career with no option to transfer anywhere.” According to Fratty McShortshorts, president of the Interfraternity Council, the new

guidelines will change the face of Greek life at the University forever. “Under the new policy all the fraternities and sororities have to have equal representation of all ethnic and racial groups on campus,” McShorshorts said. “I think it is kind of ridiculous, but there is nothing we can do — we fought as hard as we could but the administration just wouldn’t listen.” Students on campus have mixed views on the subject but a clear majority is distraught over the decision. Poppin Would, a senior double majoring in midlevel women’s studies and guilty white liberalism and also a member of Gamma Alpha Yoyo fraternity, is very disgruntled about the decision. “It’s like the kids that buy kilos of coke weekly have to befriend the trash that can only afford an eight ball a week,” Holdendick said. “Not only that, the families that owned slaves in the 18th century have to befriend those that could only afford indentured servants.” It can be safely concluded that the new policies will force Brooks Brothers to be equal with Polo and North Face with Columbia.

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Raleigh, North Carolina

Study Abroad trips prove ‘valuable’ Program costs decrease, office provides more scholarship money Courtney Bolin Staff Writer

CHRIS SANCHEZ/TECHNICIAN

Matt Long, a sophomore in business management, Stevie Clark, junior in nuclear engineering, Brittnee Rambo, a sophomore in psychology, and Morgan Donnelly, a junior in political science, roll ‘Beat The Heels’ t-shirts before Thursday’s Ram Roast outside the Free Expression Tunnel. The Alumni Association Student Ambassadors and the senior class council hosted the semiannual event designed to guard the tunnel from defacement by UNC fans before the State-UNC game. “It’s a great way for students to come out and protect the tunnel,” Donnelly said.

Basketball Ram Roast features lighter color VOLUNTEERS SIGN UP TO KEEP TUNNEL PINK THROUGHOUT NIGHT Preston Boyles Deputy News Editor

The tunnel remained pink in honor of women’s basketball coach Kay Yow as of 9 p.m. Thursday night at the fourth annual Ram Roast. Men’s basketball coach Sidney Lowe, alongside redshirt junior Brandon Costner and seniors Ben McCauley, Courtney Fells and Simon Harris, spoke to a crowd of approximately 125 people, thanking students for supporting the team and encouraging the University to keep up morale following the death of Yow. “We appreciate the support you have given us all year,” McCauley said. “As long as you continue to come out and support us, we’re going to fight. It’s a hard time at State right

now, but keep cheering us on.” Lowe kept his speech short noting he had to return to work to prepare for Saturday’s game against the rival Tar Heels. Adam Compton, senior class president, said he was pleased with the turnout. “I was really happy to see coach Lowe come out tonight. This is the first [Ram Roast] he has made it to,” Compton said. “We had a great number of players show up, so we’re really happy with everyone that came out tonight.” To ensure the tunnel stayed pink throughout the night, more than 50 students signed up to guard the tunnel in two hour shifts, according to Katie Parker, a senior in communication and student ambassador for the ROAST continued page 3

DAVID MABE/TECHNICIAN

Grains of Time, N.C. State’s all-male a cappella ensemble, sings at Ram Roast Jan. 29. Grains of Time sang the “Cuban Shuffle” and the Alma Mater, among other selections.

The program costs of Study Abroad have decreased slightly this semester because of the rising value of the American dollar, according to Ingrid Schmidt, director of the Study Abroad program. Schmidt said studying abroad is a valuable experience and students shouldn’t be scared away by the costs. Students have always been concerned about cost and credit,” Schmidt said. The Study Abroad office is offering $20,000 more this year in scholarship money to students to help offset expenses. Christy Michal, a sophomore in textiles who studied abroad last semester in Italy at Lorenzwo de Medici, said it was an amazing experience. “I’ve always loved traveling, and when I learned about the opportunities you could have when studying abroad I thought it was a great opportunity,” Michal said. Schmidt said Study Abroad tries to coordinate classes and majors so that students can take classes that will benefit them where they choose to study abroad.. Michal said she decided on a school that offered classes she thought were interesting and applied towards her major. “I chose Lorenzo de Medici, mostly because of the classes they offered. All the classes were in English and I got to take fashion related classes,” she said. Schmidt said Study Abroad is receiving less early applications from students than in previous years. She said she thinks it’s because students are putting more thought and planning into the program before applying. “The Study Abroad office was easy to use,” Michal said. “One day I was thinking that I might want to study abroad and I think it was the next week that I was attending an informational meeting on studying abroad in

SUMMER 2009 STUDY ABROAD PROGRAMS The following are some of the programs available for this summer. Queensland, Australia Vienna, Austria Nanjing, China Poznan, Poland Oxford, England Hohenheim, Germany Ghana, West Africa Florence, Italy Cuernavaca, Mexico Lima, Peru Segovia, Spain Arusha, Tanzania For more information about application deadlines, visit studyabroad.ncsu.edu. SOURCE: NCSU STUDY ABROAD

general. After I had that meeting I started researching the different programs and realized the Florence Semester Abroad was the best for me.” Study Abroad tries to make the office easy for students to use, Schmidt said. She also said she thinks the program has immeasurable value for students’ future opportunities. Michal said the experience was a cultural learning experience for her. “When you are living in another country I think one of the biggest ways to deal with learning their culture is respect, because even if you don’t know why they do certain things, it’s important to respect what they do,” Michal said. Michal said budgeting and planning was important to do prior to travel. “When I was in Italy the euro was a lot stronger than the dollar, so even buying a Coke was about $5,” Michal said. She said she suggests planning on spending more than you think. “There will also be some unimaginable opportunities, like skydiving in the Swiss Alps or taking an elevator to the top of the Eiffel Tower that you won’t want to pass up,” Michal said. “So many students have come back and said ‘this experience changed my life’, and as much as I hear that it never gets old,” she said.

Thompson Theatre gets a makeover New technology to debut at Thompson Theatre Sarah Ewald Correspondent

Shakespeare once wrote, “All the world’s a stage, and all the men and women merely players”. If Shakespeare had been alive to see Thompson Theatre’s renovations, he would have added “technology” to the list of players, since it plays a major role in theater. The theatre, designed by Hobart Upjohn in 1925, has been undergoing a revampment for the past two years. Originally used as a gymnasium, the building now houses a theatre and the Crafts Center. After beginning construction in October 2007, it is scheduled to be completed for a grand opening in August 2009. Much of the money is going toward implementing new technology in order to make upcoming programs more efficient and

exciting. John McIlwee, Director of University Theatre, said that there will be “state-of-the-art LED in both theaters”. This makes lighting much “greener”, and each of the bulbs will eventually be interchangeable with those in Stewart Theatre. “I have worked on projects at Duke and UNC, but I haven’t worked on a project this big”, Ronald Faulker, site supervisor, said. Faulker is responsible for putting all new electrical wiring into the building. His crew has strung up the many lights hanging in both theatres, as well as the fluorescent lights for the classrooms. The technology also makes its presence known within the classrooms and backstage. The classrooms will have cameras for in-class demonstrations where a close-up viewing is needed, such as applying stage makeup. Instead of crowding around the instructor, students will

Business district requests Hillsborough Street buffer Petition hoping to prohibit begging on Hillsborough Allie Landry Correspondent

TIM O’BRIEN/TECHNICIAN

Tim Rhow, an electrician, drills a hole for stage lighting on the third floor of Thompson Theatre Wednesday. Originally designed by the renowned architect Hobart B. Upjohn, the Frank Thompson Building was finished in 1925.

be able to sit at their desks and observe the process on a television screen while the instructor demonstrates at the front of the classroom. The library will also get a timely technological update. In

The Hillsborough Street Business Improvement District, a group dedicated to the improvement of Hillsborough Street, petitioned the city of Raleigh and the University to impose a 100-

insidetechnician

addition to housing books on theatre craft, there will be a television and DVD player so that students may view past theatrical performances. THEATER continued page 5

Game Day Special! Limited quantities while supplies last!

@ NC State Bookstores

foot begging buffer around the University. If approved, t he homeless would still be allowed on Hillsborough Street but would not be allowed to beg for money. Businesses would assist in enforcing the ban. The business district hopes that by preventing beggars from approaching students, people will feel safer. BUFFER continued page 3

Pack fights back

The women’s basketball team suffered a loss to Boston College. See page 8.

viewpoint campus & capital classifieds sports

4 5 7 8

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CORRECTIONS & CLARIFICATIONS

TECHNICIAN

THROUGH JONATHAN’S LENS

CAMPUS CALENDAR January 2009 Su

In Thursday’s page-one story “Student Government undergoes heated debate regarding election bill,” the subhead was incorrect. The Student Senate did accept the 2009 Elections Reform Act after ammendment.

10 17

Today THOMAS SAYRE: NEW WORK Gregg Museum of Art and Design

Send all clarifications and corrections to Editor-in-Chief Saja Hindi at editor@ technicianonline.com.

UNIVERSITY COPYRIGHT COMMITTEE MEETING D.H. Hill Library Room #2111, 10 to 11:30 a.m.

WEATHER WISE

NORM SCHULMAN: A LIFE IN CLAY Gregg Museum of Art and Design, 12 to 8 p.m.

Today:

PERSONAL FINANCE FOR LIFE IN THE “REAL WORLD” Talley Walnut Room, 12 to 1:30 p.m. KAY YOW MEMORIAL SERVICE AND FUNERAL Colonial Baptist Church in Cary, 10 a.m. ROCK CLIMBING BASICS Carmichael, 5 to 8 p.m.

50/28

NICK & NORAH’S INFINITE PLAYLIST Witherspoon Cinema, 7 to 8:30 p.m.

Partly cloudy with highs reaching 50.

CHANGELING Witherspoon Cinema, 9 to 11:30 p.m.

Saturday:

44 29 Sunny with highs in the lower 40s.

Sunday:

55 36 Sunny with highs reaching the mid 50s. SOURCE: WWW.WEATHER.COM

NICK & NORAH’S INFINITE PLAYLIST Witherspoon Cinema, 11:55 p.m.

PHOTO BY JONATHAN STEPHENS

ichelle Ko, a junior in art and design, and Adrienne McKenzie, a senior in art and design, work on their mini beading looms for their stitch and draw history class. “We’re insipired by a trip to the Gregg Museum of Art where we saw historic purses that had been beaded by hand or with a loom,” Adrienne said.

IN THE KNOW

Gen. Shelton to speak on challenges

The University Scholars Program and the General H. Hugh Shelton Leadership Center are hosting “Military

Leadership During a Time of Dramatic Change” in Stewart Theatre at 3 p.m. Monday. Gen. Shelton will be speaking on campus regarding the political and military challenges that exist during presidential transitions. He will also discuss the communication process of the White House and the Joint Chiefs of Staff as well as the role of the National Security Council.

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The event is free and open to the campus and the public. SOURCE: CSLEPS

Willie Gary set to speak Willie Gary, a humanitarian and philanthropist will speak Feb. 6 at 1 p.m. in Witherspoon’s Washington Sankofa Room as part of the 27th annual University-Community Brotherhood Celebration. The celebration started in 1982 to recognize contributions that African Americans have made in the world. The UniversityCommunity Brotherhood Dinner is for N.C. State University, Shaw University, St. Augustine’s College and people of the Raleigh area to confirm their commitment to promoting the well-being of the community. Six outstanding Black students will be honored at the dinner. Gary will be presented with the Benjamin E. Mays Memorial Award, which honors significant contributions to the U.S. He is being honored for his community leadership, philanthropy and public service. The lecture is free and open to the public.

Saturday THOMAS SAYRE: NEW WORK Gregg Museum of Art and Design

Vet school to host seminar The College of Veterinary Medicine will hold the 4th annual “K-9 Down” seminar Feb. 7 and 8. The life-saving procedures are part of a national program designed to instruct working dog handlers and rescue personnel. The seminar includes one day of classroom instruction and a second day of hands-on experience with dogs to gain emergency treatment skills. Participants will learn how to shield their dogs from health problems and how to treat their dogs if they suffer from smoke inhalation, hypothermia, gunshot wounds, broken bones and other issues. Course organizer Dr. Rita Hanel said the seminars are always well attended. Instructors include Dr. Steve Marks, an associate professor of critical care and internal medicine, Drs. Brian Trumpatori and Angela Parker, residents in small animal surgery and Dr. Alison Clode, an assistant professor of veterinary ophthamology. FOR MORE INFORMATION ON THE SEMINAR AND REGISTRATION, VISIT HTTP://K9DOWN. COM.

SOURCE: N.C. STATE WEB SITE

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WORLD & NATION

Employees exposed to beryllium

Los Alamos National Laboratory plans to notify approximately 2,000 employees and visitors that may have been exposed to beryllium in the lab and are at risk of disease. A box containing beryllium, a hard, gray metal purified for use in nuclear weapons, was received at the labís short-term storage facility and raised concern of exposure last November, according to lab spokesman Kevin Roark. Roark said letters went out to the 240 employees and 1,650 visitors potentially at risk because they visited the contaminated areas. No sickness has been reported thus far and Roark said the lab doesnít expect anyone to be ill. Inhalation of powdered beryllium can lead to chronic beryllium disease which can weaken lung function. Roark said the risk to visitors is very low because of their short exposure time. SOURCE: CNN

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Alaskan volcano could erupt

Geologists warned of an eruption of Mount Redoubt, a volcano 100 miles southwest of Anchorage, Thursday. Rumbling and simmering led scientists from the Alaska Volcano Observatory to monitor activity round-theclock since last weekend. The volcano last erupted in December 1989 for a period of five months.

Volcanic dust scattered throughout Anchorage and international air traffic was disrupted. Small pieces of rock and glass typically shoot eight miles high from Alaska volcanoes. The ash could be pushed straight at Anchorage depending on wind speeds. Officials have posted bulletins on how to deal with ash which include staying inside or wearing goggles. SOURCE: WRAL

Stimulus bill includes funding for stop-smoking programs Smoking programs account for $75 million of the economic stimulus bill making its way to the Senate. The programs are an attempt to lower healthcare costs associated with smoking each year. The funds will be used to buy new equipment at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention and reinforce existing anti-smoking campaigns run by the Department of Health and Human Services. According to Sen. Tom Harkin, who sponsored the funding, prevention will help boost American’s health while also helping the American economy. Harkin’s office sourced statistics showing that smoking is the leading cause of preventable deaths and causes $110 billion in health costs annually. The U.S. House passed the $819 billion economic stimulus package Wednesday. No Republicans voted for the bill and 11 Democrats voted against it. SOURCE: CNN

DAY HIKE @ STONE MOUNTAIN STATE PARK IN ROARING GAP, N.C. Carmichael, ALL DAY KAY YOW BURIAL Gibsonville Cemetery, 10 a.m. NORM SCHULMAN: A LIFE IN CLAY Gregg Museum of Art and Design, 2 to 8 p.m. CHANGELING Witherspoon Cinema, 7 to 9:30 p.m. NICK & NORAH’S INFINITE PLAYLIST Witherspoon Cinema, 10 to 11:30 p.m. Sunday THOMAS SAYRE: NEW WORK Gregg Museum of Art and Design NORM SCHULMAN: A LIFE IN CLAY Gregg Museum of Art and Design, 2 to 8 p.m.

POLICE BLOTTER 3:02 A.M. | STALKING Public Safety Center Student reported being followed to residence hall by student who had been previously trespassed from the area. On call investigator notified. Officers located subject at off campus residence. Subject was arrested for trespassing and referred to university. Subject now trespassed from NCSU property. 7:04 A.M. | CHECK PERSON Caldwell Hall Report of subject pushing recycle bin around Hillsborough St. Officers canvassed area with negative results. 8:11 A.M. | SUSPICIOUS INCIDENT Vet School Officers investigated with RPD report of subject leaving vehicle with weapon. All leads were followed with negative results of locating any subjects or vehicles associated with reported sighting. 8:59 A.M. | WELFARE CHECK Wolf Village Officers checked on welfare of student. Everything OK. 9:23 A.M. | CHECK PERSON Reynolds Coliseum Report of subject exhibiting questionable and disruptive behavior. Physical and video canvass of area failed to locate any suspects. 1:22 P.M. | CHECK PERSON Varsity Lot Report made of subjects riding bus while possessing handgun. Officers responded to the area and conducted search. BOLO was issued to Wolfline and Transportation for described subjects. 1:46 P.M. | LARCENY NCSU Bookstore Detectives investigating complaint of student stealing items. 4:56 P.M. | HARRASSMENT Lee Hall Student reported receiving harassing text messages. Officers are investigating. 9:27 P.M. | SUSPICIOUS VEHICLE Greek Court Report of suspicious vehicle in the area. Officers canvassed area. No problems noted. 11:35 P.M. | VEHICLE STOP Dan Allen Drive Staff member was issued citation for stop sign violation and expired inspection.

News

TECHNICIAN

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ROAST

Cost of snow day remains unknown to University

continued from page 1

SIGHTS AND SOUNDS: Signs please... When Brandon Costner addressed the crowd, he told students to think of some good signs to make about North Carolinaâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Tyler Hansbrough.

Facilities in charge of snow and ice clean up James Cox

T-shirt toss Cheerleaders were throwing i#&"5 5)& )&&-4w 5 TIJSUT UP UIF screaming audience.

Staff Writer

In wake of the Jan. 20 snow day, Jack Colby, assistant vice-chancellor for Facilities Operations, admitted Thursday afternoon the University does not know how much it spent on clean up. The Raleigh area saw about 3.5 inches of snow Jan. 20. Facilities cleaned up the accumulated snow and ice. â&#x20AC;&#x153;It would seem logical that we would know [how much money was actually spent], but we may never know the true cost,â&#x20AC;? Colby said. He said there were dozens of crews out working to remove snow and ice from different areas on campus. Colby said some people, such as housekeepers and groundworkers, cleaned buildings and the ground. He estimated the cost of labor to be in the $75,000 range. As for salt, ice melt and gasoline, Colby could not even make a guess as to how much those supplies cost the University. He also said the money came from the Universityâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s maintenance and operations budget. Colby said part of the facilities budget comes from the state. Ali Young, a freshman in zology, raised some concerns. She said she wondered if Facilities is the only department that does not have complete financial records. â&#x20AC;&#x153;What else is the University not keeping track of?â&#x20AC;? she asked. With the budget already facing restrictions, Daniel Salmon, a freshman in engineering, said

MEREDITH FAGGART/TECHNICIAN FILE PHOTO

Thomas Morley, a freshman in architecture, gathers a ball of snow for the snow ball fight in the Court of North Carolina that took place Jan. 20. â&#x20AC;&#x153;My friends told me about [the snow ball fight] and Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve just been hitting people in face.â&#x20AC;?

the University cannot afford not to know how much money it is spending. â&#x20AC;&#x153;Obviously, they didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t expect [the snow] to happen, but they need to know how much they spent,â&#x20AC;? he said. â&#x20AC;&#x153;Everything has a budget.â&#x20AC;? The cleanup has reduced Facilities ability to maintain some as-

pects of campus, Colby said. â&#x20AC;&#x153;Everything we spend reduces our money for maintenance,â&#x20AC;? he said. Some students are demanding answers to the question regarding how much money was spent.

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Alumni Association. Alex Woods, a sophomore in nuclear engineering, said the tunnel had a lot of symbolism. â&#x20AC;&#x153;It should definitely stay pink tonight,â&#x20AC;? Woods said. â&#x20AC;&#x153;If anyone paints over it light blue, we should be really mad.â&#x20AC;? Compton agreed the tunnel should stay pink in remembrance of Yow. â&#x20AC;&#x153;Sheâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s been a hero to a lot of people around the country,â&#x20AC;? he said. â&#x20AC;&#x153;It will be hard for anyone to fill her shoes, but thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s what we can do â&#x20AC;&#x201D; continue to push her legacy.â&#x20AC;? Compton said itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s also important that people show up for campus events. â&#x20AC;&#x153;This is what the players see,â&#x20AC;? Compton said. â&#x20AC;&#x153;This is the closest interaction they have with the fans other than when they are playing on the court.â&#x20AC;?

DAVID MABE/TECHNICIAN

Taylor Palmer, a sophomore in nutrition science, dances to the â&#x20AC;&#x153;Cuban Shuffleâ&#x20AC;? as it is sung by the Grains of Time at Ram Roast Thursday night. The Grains of Time is N.C. Stateâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s all-male a cappella ensemble. Palmer said he would stay â&#x20AC;&#x153;not too longâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;I have a test tomorrow morning.â&#x20AC;?

BUFFER continued from page 1

Mitch Danforth, a member of the business district, said he believes a begging buffer would help make Hillsborough Street businesses more profitable. â&#x20AC;&#x153;Businesses donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t want panhandlers outside because it prevents business from students who donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t feel secure,â&#x20AC;? Danforth said. â&#x20AC;&#x153;We want to give students more safety on and near campus.â&#x20AC;? A begging buffer has been petitioned for before, Danforth said, but no action was taken. However, with the recent acts of crime on Hillsborough Street, Alan Lovette, owner of Melvinâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Hamburgers, said he hopes this time the University will listen. â&#x20AC;&#x153;Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s things like that that are what make people not want to come to Hillsborough Street,â&#x20AC;? Lovette said. â&#x20AC;&#x153;Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s important to universities that students feel safer.â&#x20AC;? Sarah Cohen, a junior in food science, said she is in support of a begging buffer. â&#x20AC;&#x153;It will make Hillsborough [Street] a more student-friendly area, especially at night,â&#x20AC;? Cohen said. With less people around at night, many people avoid Hillsborough Street for safety reasons. SpringBreak09.qxd Cohen said she has 3.7x2.0 noticed that Franklin Street at

Chapel Hill, meanwhile, be- proposed a garbage recyclable comes livelier after dark. program to help the homeless However, not everyone be- find an alternative source of lieves the begging buffer would income. be a good idea. To date, the business district Christine Nguyen, a junior in has not received a response to civil engineering, said she does its petition. not feel threatened by the begLovette said he believes that gars on Hillsborough. in order to make Hillsborough â&#x20AC;&#x153;If people take the precautions Street prosperous and fun again, they should take anyways, like they will need the cooperation of not walking by themselves, I all involved. donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t feel that â&#x20AC;&#x153;Part of the t he homeless proble m i s people pose any that businessproblems,â&#x20AC;? she es sometimes said. â&#x20AC;&#x153;I have donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t feel that never had a negtheyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re being ative encounter listened to by with them.â&#x20AC;? the University Nguyen said and the city she thinks of Raleigh,â&#x20AC;? businesses on he said. â&#x20AC;&#x153;Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s a Hillsborough difficult task Street should into go through stead find ways Sarah Cohen, a junior in food all the legislato deter the need ture.â&#x20AC;? science for the homeless He also said to beg. that if students want a begging â&#x20AC;&#x153;Pushing homeless people buffer, they should form a group away wonâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t remedy the prob- and petition directly to the Unilem,â&#x20AC;? Nguyen said. versity, which he said is more She also said she believes Pearl likely to listen to students. Cafe sets a good example. She The petition also makes resaid she has bought small crafts quests for signs helping patrons made by a homeless man on find available parking, and for Hillsborough Street and sold in the use of on-campus meal plans the cafe. All profits have been at Hillsborough Street restaureturned to the artist, Nguyen rants. said. The previous petition that the business2:33 district 1/6/09 PM created Page made 1 mention of such endeavors. It Technician was there.

â&#x20AC;&#x153;It will make Hillsborough a more studentfriendly area, especially at night.â&#x20AC;?

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The Technician staff is always looking for new members to write, design or take photos. Visit www. ncsu.edu/sma for more information.

Viewpoint

1"(& t '3*%": +"/6"3:

TECHNICIAN

{OUR VIEW}

Try to put Yow remembrance above rivalry THE ISSUE: N.C State will take the court against UNCChapel Hill in a basketball game Saturday, continuing a longstanding rivalry between the teams. OUR OPINION: This is a rivalry game, but it’s also time to try to put aside our differences while paying respects to the late Kay Yow together. THE SOLUTION: The Free Expression Tunnel should remain pink, and everyone attending Saturday’s game should wear pink

{

CAMPUS FORUM

}

HOW TO SUBMIT Letters must be submitted before 5 p.m. the day before publication and must be limited to 250 words. Contributors are limited to one letter per week. Please submit all letters electronically to viewpoint@technicianonline.com

Women can stand on their own two feet I was appalled as I read the article about bus-riding Wednesday, as was every female counter-part I consulted. Women are NOT forced to “suffer day to day with no relief coming toward them from men.” All the strong, empowered women I know can hold off texting for the short bus ride, keep their books in their backpack, and manage their iPod with one hand and the handrail with their other! It’s really not that difficult. Men, if you want to keep your bus seat, do it! You have the right to be sitting just as every physically capable woman does. Obviously I encourage mutual respect and courtesy, and acknowledge that we can ALL hold doors for others, or offer our seats to those who really need them, but the sense of entitlement in your article and the harsh language used towards men was deplorable. If you are lazy, admit that. Don’t brand men as “lazy males [who] sit comfortably while their female counterparts struggle.” Please, we are not helpless, and we can manage to stand on the bus. I am unsure where your ideology that “someone else should be holding [your] books for [you] and that same someone should give his seat to [you]” comes from? I hope next time you’ll speak for yourself rather than label all women as “struggling,” and “suffering.” We don’t all feel as helpless and entitled as your article made you seem Ms. Russell. Krista Prince Assistant Rape Prevention Education Coordinator Responsible women can stand as equals As a woman, I find the opinions in “Give up Your Bus Seats, Gentlemen” offensive and demeaning. Women have been fighting for equal rights in America and overcoming vast amounts of chauvinism and selfdeprecating ideals since the country was founded. Today, women are still fighting for equality, not in spite of, but because we are independent, capable and more than able to stand up on the bus without the pity or help of men. Demanding that men give up their seats to women is sexist and detracts from all the work that women have done in the past 250 years. The author of the article, Antoinette Russell paints an image of women who are weak and unable to hold their own against men when she says: “I am tired of seeing women suffer day to day under pressure — with no relief coming toward them from men who can make their day more bearable...” To be equal means that women shoulder the responsibility to take care of themselves instead of relying on men to do it for them. Russell claims that chivalry is on life support, but she refers to the archaic type of chivalry. The definition of chivalrous, according to dictionary. com is: having courage, courtesy, and loyalty. Is it not possible that in our modern day and age, men would be more courteous to consider women as equals instead of the frail helpless

he men’s basketball team takes on UNC-Chapel Hill Saturday, continuing a rivalry on the basketball court. Normally, this event evokes the usual exchange of insults and hostile actions that accompany such rivalries, which is all fine. Students try to protect the Free Expression Tunnel from their opposite numbers at UNC, who inevitably try to paint the tunnel Carolina blue. And the heckling fans at the game will pull out more of the colorful, creative insults to hurl at the opposing team. However, this week is different. After all, the passing of a great person is not something we

The unsigned editorial is the opinion of the members of Technician’s editorial board excluding the news department and is the responsibility of the editor-in-chief.

encounter every day, and by all means, coach Kay Yow fits the description of a great person, both on the basketball court and off. Yes, rivalries are not things people just forget and put aside easily. Still, this game could be more than just another bitter moment in the standing feud between N.C. State and Carolina. Students at both universities should not only focus on the rivalry, but should remember coach Yow for her achievements on the basketball court, her courageous battle with breast cancer and her inspiring work to help fight the disease.

One possible place to see the rivalry put aside is the Free Expression Tunnel. The tunnel is painted pink as part of the memorial efforts on campus, and hopefully, Carolina students will not attempt to change this. And while it’s nice to see every NCSU student support the team at home games with a red-out, students from both schools should try to make Saturday’s game a pink-out. NCSU and UNC may be two different universities with a standing rivalry between them, and it is impossible to reconcile these differences. Students will trash talk friends at UNC and will throw

some choice insults and jeers at Carolina players — it’s simply a part of the tradition. But on Saturday, both sides should keep Yow in mind as they cheer for the team of their choice. Until the final buzzer sounds Saturday, students at both universities should look to remember Kay Yow — she inspired young women to go after their dreams and reminded us all the message of another great person: “Don’t give up...don’t ever give up.”

{

things Russell describes who need a man to be able to make it through the day? Katherine Sullivan Sophomore in Psychology

}

Are you wearing pink to the Carolina game? Why or why not?

Wear your pink As a senior and a proud N.C. Stater I was disappointed today at the lack of pink I saw on main and Centennial Campus. After seeing the camaraderie of students at the Carolina Campout in 10 degree weather I was saddened at the lack of recognition for a great woman who devoted her life to N.C. State and to finding a cure for breast cancer. I hope that Reynolds on Thursday and the RBC center on Saturday are completely pink and our student body will show up for its second chance to show their respect for Kay Yow. Megan Westbrook senior, textile and apparel management

BY RENEE BAKER

Stop superfluous University spending This letter is not questioning the existence of our economic downturn, it is a question of whether or not our beloved university is taking this crisis seriously. Via e-mail, I have received two recent e-mails from the NCSU bookstore telling me that they are selling BEAT THE —— t-shirts for what most students would acknowledge as minor basketball games. For homecoming, the order of specialty shirts is understandable but for these...is it really necessary? Unnecessary T-shirts are just the beginning of my question of spending integrity. Another prominent example of seemingly irresponsible spending is the expansion of the Wolfline bus system. Longer hours and more buses? As far as I know, the only transportation needs were for on-campus buses such as the Wolflink (correct me if I’m wrong). For the students riding those buses it should only be a minor inconvenience to have to walk to class and if they are late (as I have been) the bus makes little difference in timing on campus. So why then are we expanding with money we have not got? Budget cuts are sucking the life out of departments who need the funds to improve academia and morale. “We’re sorry students, but due to our University’s need for superfluous t-shirts and extra unnecessary buses we have to cancel sections of pertinent courses that determine when you graduate. In addition, we also have to take your last three paychecks from that job you barely have time for so that you can have those mandatory textbooks.” I do not appreciate seeing my tuition go through the roof for ‘benefits’ we hardly, if ever, see. On top of that, it is a primary duty of the university to aid its students, right? So why can’t we RENT textbooks instead of having to buy at full price and sell for half that or less? Students are the heart, soul and life of this university and we are sick of being short-ended. Someone please tell me where the money is!!! Alex Blalock senior, technology education and graphic communication

“If I were to get tickets, yes, I’d be wearing pink.”

Good job, Tyler!

Jennifer Gray freshman, biological sciences

Kirsten Southwell, freshman in graphic design

Beyond the court

his Saturday afternoon at 3:30, our peers will take the court against UNC-Chapel Hill at the RBC Center. Bear with me for a minute and imagine 20,000 Wolfpack fans losing their voices and going crazy Russell Witham as our Senior Staff Columnist boys walk onto the floor — that is a place I want to be. I would never encourage outright violence toward another group of people for going to a sad and pathetic excuse for a University. I would definitely not encourage anything like what started May 28, 1888 in Glasgow, Scotland, when Celtic F.C. and Rangers F.C. took the pitch for a friendly soccer match. Since that fateful date the two clubs have developed a fierce rivalry that goes well beyond soccer. Scotland, as you may know, is roughly divided into two main religious sects, the Anglicans (the Church of Scotland) and the Roman Catholics. Since the schism of the two Churches in 1534 under the guidance of Henry VIII, the two sects have bitterly feuded with one

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another. As is the case with many hate-filled struggles, the malice spilled over into every aspect of society. Soccer matches ceased to be athletic competitions — instead, they became proxy wars for the religious groups. The Old Firm, as the struggle between the teams is called, is riddled with a history of violence. Around the matches, Protestant supporters of Rangers will march the streets of Glasgow decked in Orange and waving Union Jacks – in loving memory of the ejection of the Catholic monarchy by William of Orange in 1688. Likewise, Catholic supporters of Celtic walk together in crowds of green and white. In order to truly put the hate into perspective, here are a few crimes from the police blotter following a May 1999 match: - 20-year old, shot in the chest with a crossbow leaving a Celtic pub - 25-year old, wearing a green shirt, beaten by four assailants outside a Chinese carryout - 16-year old Protestant boy, stabbed to death leaving an Irish pub I don’t think any one of us would ever condone this sort of violence. Unbridled hate based on nothing more than race or creed is tribalism at best. But that does not mean I am go-

“I mean seriously now, can you have any respect for a University that is represented by Rameses the ram? ”

Sports Editor

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ing to show UNC anything but animosity and dislike. The Bible says we have to love our neighbor — it does not say we can’t despise everything they represent. In the case of Chapel Hill, I pretty much despise it all. I mean seriously now, can you have any respect for a University that is represented by Rameses the ram? But to the credit of those deranged fans, they display an otherworldly sort of passion for their team. If half of us cared about Wolfpack sports that much, just imagine how spirited and enthused our games would be. Therefore, I will take this weekend as a wonderful opportunity to display excessive amounts of hooliganism. I hope you will join me in marching about in Red and verbally disparaging those amongst us who choose to wear that childish blue color. Go Pack! E-mail Russell your thoughts on the rivalry with UNC-Chapel Hill to letters@technicianonline.com.

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{ONLINE POLL} This week’s poll results:

Should the University expand meal plans to help pay for off-campus meals? /P

* %PO U DBSF

:FT

Next week’s poll question:

Should the City of Raleigh ban panhandling on Hillsborough Street? t :FT t /P t * EPO U DBSF

Visit www.technicianonline. com to cast your vote.

photo@technicianonline.com

Dreier Carr

“Well, since I’m not going, no.”

David Mason

Technician (USPS 455-050) is the official student newspaper of N.C. State University and is published every Monday through Friday throughout the academic year from August through May except during holidays and examination periods. Opinions expressed in the columns, cartoons, photo illustrations and letters that appear on Technician’s pages are the views of the individual writers and cartoonists. As a public forum for student expression, the students determine the content of the publication without prior review. To receive permission for reproduction, please write the editor. Subscription cost is $100 per year. A single copy is free to all students, faculty, staff and visitors to campus. Additional copies are $0.25 each. Printed by The News & Observer, Raleigh, N.C., Copyright 2008 by North Carolina State Student Media. All rights reserved.

Features CAMPUS & CAPITAL

TECHNICIAN

THEATRE continued from page 1

TIM O’BRIEN/TECHNICIAN

Workers finish construction on the main entrance of the renovated ThompsonTheatre Wednesday. The building was originally a gymnasium, but became the home of the theater and arts programs in the 1960s. Faced with condemnation, the building was closed for a complete renovation in 2007. Now the building will feature two top-of-the-line theaters and vast arts facilities.

Backstage, the womens’ dressing room walls will be paneled with mirrors, all of which will be lined on three sides by lightbulbs. The “green room,” where actors generally wait before appearing onstage, will have a television showing the in-progress performance so actors can check when they need to go on. McIlwee said there will be communication between all rooms throughout the theatre for the shows via television. There have also been changes in the “shop” aspect of theatre. The costume shop now has a laundry room, complete with a washer and dryer, useful for washing costumes after a performance. It also employs a dye

'3*%": +"/6"3: t 1"(&

vat so the color of a garment can be easily changed as per the director’s specifications. A special floor has also been put in which has “give” for the workers spending long hours in the shop. In the lobby, the Thompson box office will be connected to the main box office in Talley, facilitating easier communication between the two. Outside, there will be electric signs telling theatre patrons where to go once inside. Accessibility has also been a primary concern for the improvements. There is a ramp leading the main entrance of the building off the left side. Hallways have been widened, and many areas on the second floor, such as the costume shop, have now been made accessible by widening areas and adding in elevators linking together floors. So how much are all of these improvements costing? “The entire cost of the Thompson renovation, including construction, purchase of equipment and furniture, etc, is $16.6 million” Alex Miller, Associate Vice Chancellor for Student Affairs, said. “Of that amount, students will pay just over $13.7 million, private donors will pay $2.6 million, and the university is covering additional costs of about $300,000.”

AT A GLANCE Located: Central Campus, next to Coliseum Deck Named For: Frank Martin Thompson, an engineering graduate in 1910 and captain of the baseball and football teams who was killed in World War I Size: 56,770 square feet Originally Built: 1925 Original Use: Gymnasium Renovated: Twice SOURCE: FACILITIES

FROM CHANCELLOR OBLINGER “At N.C. State, we provide our students with a well-rounded, cross-disciplinar y education, teaching them to be creative and innovative thinkers in a rapidly changing world. The arts play a vital role in that experience, demonstrating that passion and creativity are essential to all fields of learning. Our university has grown dramatically over the decades, and the resources and facilities for our extraordinary arts programs are stretched thin. The creation of a state-of-the-art center where theatre, dance and crafts can flourish is critical to the future of ARTS NC STATE. By transforming the cherished Thompson Building — which has meant so much to the lives of former students — we honor our past while serving current and future generations of NC State students.” SOURCE: FACILITIES

THOMPSON THEATRE: 1925 TO PRESENT

1925 Gymnasium built. “First athletic center of its kind in the Southeast”

1946/47 So many spectators filled the gym to watch basketball games that the building was condemned hours before a Duke game.

1949 Basketball games were moved to Reynolds Coliseum

1963 Physical education moved to Carmichael Gymnasium

1964 Crafts Center moved into the ground level

1970s Main floor became official home of theatre program

Spring 2007 The theatre sold off many of the props and costumes collected over the years

Fall 2007 Renovation begins

Persons with disabilities who desire any assistive devices, services, or other accommodations to participate in this program should contact Campus Activities, at (919) 5155161, MondayFriday between the hours of 9am and 5pm to discuss accom modations prior to the event.

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THOMPSON THEATRE: BY THE NUMBERS Designed 1925 Number studio theatre seats in Spring 2007 88 Number studio theatre seats in Spring 2009 108 Number main theatre seats in Spring 2007 220 Number main theatre seats in Spring 2009 196 Length in months of renovation (October 22 2007-August 2009)

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$16.6 million $13.7 million $26 million $300,000

Total cost of renovations

Total cost students pay

Total private donations

Total that the university pays SOURCE: ARTS N.C. STATE

Features CAMPUS & CAPITAL

1"(& t '3*%": +"/6"3:

NINEONENINE University oil leak contained The City of Raleigh Public Utilities Department has contained an oil leak that culminated at the Neuse River Wastewater Treatment Plant. The leak, caused by a failed mechanical fitting on a fuel pump at the steam plant on N.C. State’s main campus, was reported Monday night to the North Carolina State Emergency Management and National Response Center by the university. Officials say that there have been no ill effects on the operation of the plant but the quality of the wastewater is still being assessed. SOURCE: WWW.RALEIGH-NC.ORG

Cable show to be filmed in Raleigh Cable television network TLC (The Learning Channel) will be filming six episodes of the show “Home Made Simple” in Raleigh. Producers are looking for Raleigh residents to feature on the show. To nominate yourself or some else, contact show producer Andrea Levine at Andrea_Levine@Discovery.com with the nominee’s name, contact information, story and pictures of their family and home. “Home Made Simple” airs Saturdays at noon. SOURCE: WWW.RALEIGH-NC.ORG

ZenBio receives grant to fight cancer Research Triangle Park’s ZenBio received a $1.88 million grant from the National Institutes of Health to develop tools for cancer, obesity and diabetes research. The biotech company is studying peritoneal mesothelial cells. These cells line body cavities and internal organs, and can attract certain tumor cells, causing a spread through the body. The progression of diabetes and obesity is also affected by these cells. SOURCE: WWW.NEWSOBSERVER.COM

CAMPUS FACES

TECHNICIAN

Wolfram speaks the language Professor Wolfram embraces all dialects, from the mountains to the coast Laney Tipton Staff Writer

Once a young man aspiring to be a missionary, Walt Wolfram became deeply interested in linguistics, a necessary tool for translation of religious text. That interest took his career and his life above and beyond what he expected. Now, over four decades later and authoring and co-authoring over 300 published articles and 20 books on the study of language and dialects, he walks the campus of N.C. State. Wolfram did not know linguistics was what his future held when he started out. His love for the subject began as he worked to become a missionary to travel the world to study and translate religious texts. He earned his B.A. at Wheaton College in Illinois, but got his M.A. and Ph.D. in the trade from Hartford Seminary in Connecticut. Wolfram quickly ran into some problems when he first started his missionary work. Missionary work does not pay a salary; missionaries must gain their own funding. His group of bible translators found hardship too difficult to overcome. Wolfram and his wife had a family to support, so they decided to do something with more income. “I turned my missionary

“I’m kind of a dialect nomad,” also served as the linguistic conWolfram said. sultant for the Children’s TeleWolfram has studied languages vision Company, the producers in many areas, but he came to of Sesame Street, to help them North Carolina in 1992, drawn decide what different dialect the by the rich diversity in dialect characters should have. offered across the state. Professor Wolfram urges stuNorth Carolina is a dream state dents to take a linguistics class. for sociolinguistics like Wolfram “It opens people’s eyes to unbecause it has three areas across derstand the role of language in which dialect and speech varies society. Twenty years from now widely. From the eastern coast, they might not remember what to the piedmont, to the moun- they learned in English 220 (Intains of western North Carolina, tro to Language and Linguistics), the dialect of the but they will see natives is easy to language from identify. a different per“North Carospective.” lina is like dying Besides li nand coming to guistics, Woldialect heaven,” fram is interWolfram said. ested in sports. NCSU ofHe has been an Walt Wolfram fered Wolfram avid Wolfpack a position as an fan since joining professor of English endowed chair, the university. lingquistics which first lured He is the proud him to the uniowner of season versity, but he has stayed on football tickets and also a big board for 16 years because of the family man. language diversity he finds here. “I have the coolest grandchil“I love N.C. State because it dren in the world.” affords me the luxury of being Wolfram is still working in with students who represent the North Carolina and planning to dialects I study,” Wolfram said. focus his studies more on urban Wolfram works hard to try areas in the future. He has about and change the perception of 17 research sites being setup in language differences in North areas like Raleigh, Charlotte Carolina. and Greensboro to examine the “I love opening people’s eyes to dialect there and the differences understand language,” Wolfram between urban and rural areas. said. “It changes a person’s perProfessor Wolfram has been ception for life.” able to retire for years, but has Wolfram even works to begin not, and does not plan to. opening the eyes of the younger “I love getting up in the mornNorth Carolinians. He has de- ing and going to work. If you can veloped a highly acclaimed 8th say that at my age, that’s saying grade social studies curriculum something.” available to public schools. He

“North Carolina is like dying and coming to dialect heaven.”

RENEE BAKER/TECHNICIAN

Walt Wolfram, a professor in Engish, is a William C. Friday Distinguished professor. He has written a number of articles on linguistics and has received several honors including the Alexander Quarles Holladay Medal of Excellence and is a Linguistic Society of America Fellow.

zeal into fervor for dialect,” Wolfram said. “I’m passionate in what I study. I believe strongly in it.” Originally from Philadelphia, Wolfram has studied various forms of the English language and different dialects all over the

United States. He published one of the first linguistic descriptions of African American Vernacular English after studying it in Detroit and Washington, D.C. and he studied Native American English in reservations in New Mexico.

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Pack preps for long weekend vs. UGA, Pitt The Wolfpack will face powerhouse No.1 Georgia and travel to face Pitt two days later Jonathan B. Laughrun Senior Staff Writer

The gymnastics team (1-4), coming off back-to-back last place finishes and averaging a 191.967, is set to host the No. 1 Bulldogs (4-0) today in Reynolds Coliseum at 7 P.M. The Dogs are the four-time defending national champions and are averaging a 196.650 this season. The Pack will then travel to face Pitt (2-3), a team coming off a loss to West Virginia and averaging a 192.476 this season. According to coach Mark Stevenson, the Bulldogs are a different breed of gymnasts. The level of gymnastics they have been competing in for years is above the level most college gymnasts

ever see. tines in competition, Stevenson “I think they have 2 or 3 Olym- said. pians on their team. Those kids “The only thing we can really have competed the same gym- do to get higher scores is to hit nastics’ skills the last ten years,” routines. We had seven falls in Stevenson said. “And they the last meet, if we have seven worked out 40 hours a week falls in any meet we are going to wh i le t he y lose, it doesn’t were in high matter who it’s school to get to,” Stevenson to the Olymsaid. “We have pics. [Our] to do our job, guys worked our job is to out may be hit our rou20 hours a tines. We do coach Mark Stevenson week in high that, we are school. The a 196+ team elite kid comes to college and and we’re one of the top 15, 20 waters down their routines and teams in the country.” does all the things they can do According to junior Taylor Seawithout blinking an eye where man, injury and inconsistency in we are learning those skills and meets has killed the team. With how to compete with those freshman phenom Jess Panza skills.” out since the Michigan meet, the For the Wolfpack to be com- team is missing three 9.8s. petitive this weekend, the team “We lost Jess Panza for two will have to clean up their rou- meets and that is a huge impact

“We have to do our job, our job is to hit our routines.”

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continued from page 8

holding BC to 33% shooting from the field with zero threepointers, while shooting 37% from the field and 46% from three. After the game, Coach Glance praised the fans for the unwavering support they gave in the face of such a large deficit. “The crowd was unbeliev-

on the team. She is one of the highest scorers on three events and hopefully we will get her back this weekend on beam which will be very good,” Seaman said. “We just plan on hitting our routines. We have been a little bit inconsistent this season so we just need to go in and do what we do in practice. We will be fine if that is what we do.” After the Pack battle the Dogs in Reynolds they will travel to Pittsburgh to face the Panthers. According to Stevenson, the team will just have to work hard and fight through the fatigue come Sunday against Pitt. “We can see a little fatigue but what I am going to tell them is we have a meet, let’s go,” Stevenson said. “They have a job to do, they are like any other athlete, they aren’t afraid of hard work. They just do what they are asked to do and they do it with a smile on their face.”

able, Glance said. “It was like we were up by 20 or it was a one point game and we were down by 25 points.” And while the final outcome was certainly not what the team entered the game looking for, Fields felt that the team gave a second half effort that would have made their revered leader proud. “Coach Yow would have been proud of us in the second half for battling back.”

PINK

ball until tonight probably and it was just awesome to see us make that comeback,” Mills said. The tremendous support last night made many students proud to be a part of Wolfpack nation. “Hopefully all of this support will carry over into the UNC game and everyone will continue to show their support for the team and Kay Yow,” Frenier said.

continued from page 8

volvement and the crowd’s support, that gives us momentum. It was tremendous. The crowd literally enabled us to come back.” Bobby Mills, senior in economics said the comeback was reflective of how Yow never gave up. “I know they probably haven’t thought about basket-

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THE Daily Crossword Edited by Wayne Robert Williams ACROSS 1 "Seascape" playwright 6 Arthur Marx's stage name 11 Bread choice 14 Rich soils 15 Above it all 16 Magic spell 17 Pretend to be confident 20 Pictures in pictures 21 Really involved 22 Hit with a blackjack 26 Compete in a bee 27 Got wind (of) 28 Brownish grays 32 Florence flooder 33 Defoe character 34 Brace number 37 Empty-nester's weight problem 40 Caspian or Aegean 41 Tolerate 42 Cogito __ sum 43 Metric measures 44 Kitchen gadget 45 Denim buys 48 Commands 49 Gossip tidbit 50 Make certain 54 Australia's Never-never 60 Possessive pronoun 61 Van Dine's Vance 62 More up-todate 63 South African golfer Ernie 64 Cares for 65 Like sailor's stories 1 2 3 4 5 6

DOWN High mount Reed or Rawls Flying mammal Second-largest bird Descried Crones

7 Succulent herb 8 Botanical anchor 9 Schools of whales 10 Canceled 11 European river 12 Streisand film 13 Glorify 18 Furthermore 19 Tears 22 Transparent fakes 23 Eagle's home 24 Bamboo lover 25 Nudge 26 Leak slowly 28 Business 29 Indicate by signs 30 Customers 31 Sit for a shot 33 Smallest change 34 __ Haute, IN 35 Bet 36 Smells 38 Luau souvenirs 39 Audition for a part

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43 Extremity 44 Hogs the mirror 45 Gracefully slender 46 Mrs. Fred Mertz 47 Turns sharply 48 Spherical body 50 Massage target 51 Coating

52 53 55 56 57

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Sports

COUNTDOWN

s DAY UNTIL THE MEN S BASKETBALL GAME AGAINST 5.# #HAPEL (ILL

s 0AGE ! PREVIEW OF TONIGHT S GYMNASTICS MEET AGAINST 'EORGIA CONTINUATION OF WOMEN S BASKETBALL STORIES

TECHNICIAN

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INSIDE

WOMENâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;S BASKETBALL

MENâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;S BASKETBALL

State hosts No. 5 Heels Saturday

Two former Wolfpackers Super Bowl bound 3TEVE +EIM AND !DRIAN 7ILSON BOTH FORMER FOOTBALL PLAYERS AT . # 3TATE WILL BE IN 4AMPA 3UNDAY FOR THE 3UPER "OWL +EIM A FORMER !LL !## OFFEN SIVE GUARD IS THE !RIZONA #ARDINALS DIRECTOR OF PLAYER PERSONNEL WHILE 7ILSON WAS DRAFTED BY THE #ARDINALS BACK IN 4HE 3UPER "OWL WILL BE BROADCAST ON ."# AND KICKOFF IS SCHEDULED FOR P M 3UNDAY

Pack looks for first win against rivals since 2006 Daniel Ellis Deputy Sports Editor

SOURCE: N.C. STATE ATHLETICS/ESPN.COM

ATHLETIC SCHEDULE January 2009 Su

Sa 3

4ODAY TRACK & FIELD @ THE CAROLINA CLASSIC Chapel Hill, N.C., all day WRESTLING @ OKLAHOMA Norman, Okla., 6 p.m. GYMNASTICS VS. GEORGIA Reynolds Coliseum, 7 p.m. MENâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;S TENNIS @ NATIONAL TEAM PLAYOFF Gainesville, Fla., TBA 3ATURDAY TRACK & FIELD @ THE CAROLINA CLASSIC Chapel Hill, N.C., all day RIFLE @ KENTUCKY, MEMPHIS Oxford, Miss., all day MENâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;S BASKETBALL VS. UNCCHAPEL HILL RBC Center, 3:30 p.m. 3UNDAY RIFLE @ MISSISSIPPI Oxford, Miss., all day GYMNASTICS @ PITTSBURGH Pittsburgh, Pa., 1 p.m. WOMENâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;S BASKETBALL @ VIRGINIA TECH Blacksburg, Va., 4 p.m. WOMENâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;S TENNIS @ NATIONAL TEAM INDOORS Berkeley, Calif., TBA

QUOTE OF THE DAY â&#x20AC;&#x153;The fans led our comeback and they inspired us to keep going and to keep fighting.â&#x20AC;? SENIOR 3HAYLA &IELDS

COMING SOON #OVERAGE OF THE MEN S BASKETBALL GAME AGAINST 5.# #HAPEL (ILL

BRENT KITCHEN/TECHNICIAN

NC Stateâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Nikitta Gartrell and Brittany Strachan chase Boston Collegeâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Ayla Brown after a steal in Thursdayâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s game at Reynolds Coliseum. The Wolfpack had 12 turnovers in the 62-51 loss.

Pack fights back DESPITE INSPIRED SECOND HALF, STATE FALLS TO BC

Poor first half dooms Wolfpack Womenâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s basketball falters in first game after loss of beloved Coach Kay Yow Tyler Everett In front of a very loud crowd of Wolfpack fans wearing pink, the womenâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s basketball team struggled early, but fought back in an unforgettable second half that saw them cut a seemingly insurmountable 31 point lead all the way down to single figures, before finally falling by a final score of 62-51. Coach Stephanie Glance described how proud she was of her teamâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s effort, particularly in the second half. â&#x20AC;&#x153;Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m really proud of this team, they wanted to win this game more than probably any game in their entire life,â&#x20AC;? Glance said. â&#x20AC;&#x153;They gave a tremendous effort in the second half.â&#x20AC;? The team seemed overwhelmed early on by a Boston College team that combined a suffocating defense that limited State to less than 15 percent shooting with 50 percent shooting of their own to take a commanding 36-15 into the locker room at halftime. And though they trailed by 21 at the half, it was not for lack of effort. According to Glance, the team played hard, but simply could not get into rhythm in the first half. â&#x20AC;&#x153;Youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re sitting there thinking, we are really off, on both ends of the floor right now,â&#x20AC;? Glance said. â&#x20AC;&#x153;And [we were thinking,] thereâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s nothing we can do about it, so we just played through it.â&#x20AC;? The team turned the game around in the second half behind strong play from their lone senior, guard Shayla Fields, who passed Connie Rogers to move into twentieth place all-time in scoring. Behind a raucous crowd, State did a tremendous job overcoming the offensive and defensive struggles of the first half, DOOMS

Chancellor

Pink floods Reynoldâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Coliseum as Pack competes in first game after Kay Yowâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s death Jason Livingston Staff Writer

Staff Writer

James Oblinger

Pinked out arena

Pink pom-poms sparkled in the hands of the dance team. Pink whistles dangled from the necks of the officials. Pink shoelaces held together the shoes of Boston Collegeâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s players. Pink signs were sprinkled throughout the stands. White and pink uniforms covered the backs of Wolfpack players. At the top of each one was a single name: Yow. Reynolds Coliseum, traditionally a red arena, was overcome with the color pink last night as people came out to be a part of the first womenâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s basketball game since the passing of legendary coach Kay Yow. â&#x20AC;&#x153;I think it is good to see this support for a hero that died,â&#x20AC;? Brad Frenier, a senior in business management said. This support was more than just seen however. It echoed from the walls of Reynolds Coliseum as Wolfpack fans cheered for their team from tip-off until the final buzzer rang. Facing an overwhelming halftime deficit, this vocal support helped spur a tremendous comeback by the Wolfpack. â&#x20AC;&#x153;You could definitely tell that the women were a little more pumped up and felt that they had a little bit more to play with,â&#x20AC;? Frenier said. Senior guard Shayla Fields agreed. â&#x20AC;&#x153;I got very emotional at the end of the game because I was so happy that the fans stayed and cheered us on even though we were down by so many points,â&#x20AC;? Fields said. â&#x20AC;&#x153;The fans led our comeback and they inspired us to keep going and to keep fighting.â&#x20AC;? â&#x20AC;&#x153;The crowd was unbelievable,â&#x20AC;? coach Stephanie Glance said, â&#x20AC;&#x153;That really spurred them on in the second half. The crowdâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s inPINK continued page 8

continued page 7

Running off the momentum of their breathtaking victory against Miami last Tuesday, the menâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s basketball team will return to action in the RBC Center Saturday for one of the most highly anticipated match-ups of the season. â&#x20AC;&#x153;Weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve always been eager to play UNC,â&#x20AC;? redshirt freshman Johnny Thomas said. â&#x20AC;&#x153;Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s always been one of those rival games for us where weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re really interested in competing against them and beating them.â&#x20AC;? State defeated the Hurricanes 84-81 in overtime on a miracle 3-pointer by freshman Julius Mays. â&#x20AC;&#x153;Going into the game we have this Saturday, yeah, it gives you a good feeling,â&#x20AC;? coach Sidney Lowe said. â&#x20AC;&#x153;Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s good for the confidence, because you were able to make plays down the stretchâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;the plays that you need to make to win the game.â&#x20AC;? Making plays against Tyler Hansbrough and the Tar Heels may not come easy for the Pack since the team is just 1-4 against the baby blue with Lowe at the helm. â&#x20AC;&#x153;You canâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t hide that. It is what it is,â&#x20AC;? Lowe said of the record. â&#x20AC;&#x153;Having played here and been through some of those wars and knowing the feeling of winning those games and then turning around and losing them. It frustrates me.â&#x20AC;? Donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t expect to see anything but the best on Saturday, though. Lowe will be sporting the red blazer that he donned two seasons ago when State beat UNC-Chapel Hill 83-79 in Raleigh. â&#x20AC;&#x153;I knew it would be something special. I knew I had to have a red jacket,â&#x20AC;? Lowe said. â&#x20AC;&#x153;Coach V had one, coach Sloan had the plaid. They all had something. I just didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t know Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;d get that response when I wore it.â&#x20AC;? The energy will have to be pulsing in the arena if the red and white want to contain the all-star clad Tarheel lineup consisting of six players who average double-digit scoring. â&#x20AC;&#x153;Theyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re a running team and are pretty strong from every area,â&#x20AC;? Thomas said. â&#x20AC;&#x153;Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s just our job to lock down against them like we did against Miami and get the job done.â&#x20AC;? In the game against Miami,

Debra Morgan

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Saja Hindi

Defensive End

Editor, Nubian Message

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Taylor Auten Sports Editor

MATT MOORE/TECHNICIAN ARCHIVE PHOTO

UNCâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Tyler Hansbrough finishes a dunk on top of N.C. State center J.J. Hickson in the first half of the Feb. 20, 2008, 84-70 Tar Heel win. Hansbrough scored 32 points.

N.C. STATE VS #5 UNCCHAPEL HILL All-time series: 5.# #HAPEL (ILL Tipoff time: P M Location: 2"# #ENTER TV: !"# Radio: 7OLFPACK 3PORTS .ETWORK SOURCE: N.C. STATE ATHLETICS/ ESPN.COM

Lowe utilized a big lineup with Tracy Smith, Brandon Costner, and Ben McCauley all on the court together. Lowe has been searching for a consistent lineup all year, and itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s probable that this group of guys may see more playing time together Saturday. â&#x20AC;&#x153;Obviously we used a big lineup the last couple ball games and I thought that was the best group for us. So there is a chance, yes, youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re probably going to see it,â&#x20AC;? Lowe said. Lowe also emphasized the importance of containing UNC guard Ty Lawson, who drained a last-second 3-pointer to lift the team to an 80-77 victory against FSU Wednesday night. â&#x20AC;&#x153;They happen to have one of the best in the country at the point guard position who creates [opportunities,] not only for himself, but for his teammates,â&#x20AC;? Lowe said. â&#x20AC;&#x153;And, heâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s always applying pressure on you. We have to get back. We have to try to slow that down.â&#x20AC;? Regardless of the pressure they may face, the players remain confident that victory against Carolina is within reach. â&#x20AC;&#x153;When it is game time, weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re going to take care of it on the court,â&#x20AC;? Thomas said. â&#x20AC;&#x153;If we can limit our turnovers like weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve done recently, we can win the game.â&#x20AC;?

Ty Johnson

Daniel Ellis

Deputy Sports Editor

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41-10

Opinion

IRFDAY, JANUARY 30, 2009

JOE SHARTS

Established 1893, 101 years of exceptional math

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Our grades blow ...up? Runaway grade inflation should be interpreted as relative academic prosperity

recent report by Donna Gilleskie, professor of economics at UNC Chapel Hell, has sparked debate across campus. The study reveals a rampant trend of grade inflation at UNC; over the past decade grades have risen to the point where, in Fall 2007, 82 percent of undergraduate grades were As or Bs. Responses to the trend of grade inflation have been diverse: overachievers complain that their hard work is being minimized, the administration response has been more or less hands off and Tyler Handsbrough expressed surprise at receiving an A+ in fitness walking despite not being registered for the course. However, the majority of Chapel Hell students have responded to the grade inflation with enthusiasm, as well they should. Our university’s success has never been predicated upon average GPA or academic success. Rather, peons across the state continue to waste their dwindling means on babyblue merchandise from Wal-Mart because of the force of our example. The world sees us as public ivy because we win the NCAA basketball championship every year. BillyBob-Joe in his trailer out in Hickville with a pint of grape MD 20/20, a ratty Carolina ball cap and a urinate on Dook sticker on the back of his pick-up could care less about

Prepster McGee graduating with a six-year B.A. in Medieval metaphysics. He just knows that UNC is the school where Dean Martin coached Michael Jordan and Larry Byrd to five college championships. Of course, we don’t care a whit about the lower-class swill that can’t afford to garb themselves in European luxury brands. Let the peasants buy their Tar Hole sweatshirts at discount warehouses: as long as Lacoste and Brooks Brothers keep selling powderblue polos, we’ll be in business. It is precisely this economic disparity in our fan base that makes Chapel Hell such an appealing school to aimless white country-clubbers: UNC is “Derelicte” if you will, which brings us to the crux of the issue. Grade inflation is inseparably entwined with the goals of our institution; rising GPA’s are both a cause and a direct result of our university opening its doors to only those rich enough to deserve admission. We all know that academic performance is proportional to income level. As our average GPA rises, Chapel Hell becomes more and more selective and hence, our “collective” trust fund grows. Just look at the rise in per capita Land Rover ownership: we are looking at one of the best fraternity and sorority rushes in years! Our grade inflation is self-propagating

in the sense that our increasingly elite student population is making better and better grades. In words the average UNC student can understand, we are — in a sense — blowing ourselves, um, up. Of course, let’s not fool ourselves: Sally the Sigma Lambda Upsilon Tau isn’t actually any better at pre-algebra because of Daddy’s trust fund, but she sure knows how to skank a C up to an A-. So let the ghetto gang-bangers, country bumpkins and immigrants eke out an existence in the lower class UNC system universities and study such useless subjects as science, engineering and agriculture. With our professional and humanist vocations, we’ll be able to spend most of our work-week playing golf and making sport of the proletariat whilst sipping highballs and wine spritzers and chasing country-club tail, and our inflated grades will serve to make sure only we can pursue these illustrious career paths. Plus, if everyone at Chapel Hell is riding a 3.5 GPA, there is no way to distinguish the posers from the few students that slipped through the cracks and actually came to UNC to learn. The majority of us that are just here for the status can ride the minorities’ coattails up to the top echelons of society. After all, it’s not what you know; it’s how much you blow!

Due to space constraints, we’ll probably cut your letters because our paper’s too important. Read the full-length versions to yourself and friends and don’t send them in.

I’m wondering if I’m alone in my concerns over Bibby Freezer. He’s just not good enough for our really close, almost number one basketball team. (Hey, guys, we’re really close! Like really! Sort of.) Regardless of his four-year dedication to our team he is just not as superior as our University deserves. Now I know Rye Wilsons is God. I believe it just as much as the next UNC student, but I have to draw the line at making such ridiculous coaching choices. We are Carolina, THE CAROLINA, and we only deserve NBA bound supermen in our treasured, baby blue Dean Dome. Freezer should be more like Ty Handsborough. He is the graceful, gentlemanly, intelligent Tar Heel in all of us. Every time he sheds a contact, I shed a tear — that is his sacrifice for our University. Freezer, stop being decent. Be utterly non-human. Be Handsborough. Bartlesby Oglsby Senior Philosophy

Kvetching Board I think dining halls are being inconsiderate when they supply us with Lucky Charms. They are politically incorrect and sterotype Irish people. Because of this, my Alpha Delta Jenga Phi Kappa Insulin Pi sister really believes Irish people are leprechauns. I mean, why is Chapel Hill in Orange County? How rude. Why can’t the

I have a complaint to make. When I toured this university during CTOPS I was told that UNC was diverse. Now that I go here I don’t feel that is true. Case in point. I, an Indian student, sat on the brick wall outside of Lenoir one morning, very early. I was eating my banana and reading my book, minding my own business. Suddenly a group of African-American students came over to me and asked me to move. I asked why, and they said that was their spot. They had that spot for 50 years or something and were always there every day from morning until night. Why not my spot too? Another thing. My friend Raj rushed this year and he wanted to be in Delta Kappa Epsilon. They laughed at him when he went to see the house and told him to go away! My friend was so hurt. I’m tired of being on a campus that talks about diversity but doesn’t practice it. Just walking around could tell you that. Everyone looks just like their friends. This is ridiculous. Neema Kumar Freshman Biology government call it Carolina Blue County? What do we pay them for?! Potato is a funny word. To the girl carrying a knock-off Prada purse in my medieval fisheries studies class: may your worthless soul rot in Hades and may tiny, purple Ann Coulter look-alikes shove sequined sombreros up your rectum.

Spurts

Foosball coach to stay Negotiations could change school colors JOHNNY BUNTENG I USED TO COACH HERE

DTHELL/PIGGY BOOB

Handsburro takes a breather while pretending to look for a contact on the floor of the Dean Dome. “It was nice of my teammates to play along and act like I lost the contact too,” he said.

BLOW FROM PAGE ONE

he’s yelling and screaming and running up the court doing silly dances. “I don’t know how he can go psycho on everybody while wearing glasses,” Clurr Burr, a freshman in extra-liberal arts, said. “It would be hard to keep glasses on your face when you’re scoring billions of points on teams like Evansville High School and the Charleston College.” But Handslow said he won’t have any problems with his game. “I’ve found the glasses only pop off when I bounce the ball, so I have nothing to worry about.” Teammates concerned But fans aren’t the only ones slow to accept Hansolo’s new look, as the team’s starting point guard has voiced his disdain for the look. “I don’t like the glasses because they make him look smart,” Thai Lousen said. “Next thing people will think he’s the smart one and he’ll start acting like he’s all better than me.” But, according to Hansolo, Louson’s worries are all in his head. “Yeah, I guess I do look smart,” Hansolo said. “Hey! I’m the smart one now! Wait ‘til I tell Thai, then maybe some of my teammates will like me.” Hansolo shouldn’t hold his

breath according to teammate Whine Failington. Failington said he thinks the new look is just the latest stunt in the senior’s quest to center the media around him. “When he got that tooth knocked loose he realized I was a tooth away from being the best looking guy in Chapel Hill,” Failington said. “So now he’s got this new gimmick - those glasses. He looks sharp in them, but it all comes back to him being jealous of me and my teeth.” Super senior? When asked why he waited until his senior year to make the switch to bifocals, Hansblow was a bit confused. “Wait a second,” Hansblow said. “I’m a senior? - aw man, I lost count of how many years I’ve been here. I meant to declare for the draft my junior year...does that mean I have to stick around this hell hole until May?” After a registrar official consoled Hansblow and showed him a copy of his transcript, he lamented that the glasses would likely help his draft potential. “It shows that I’m dynamic, you know?” said. “I can wear glasses, I can wear contacts, I can slap at players, I can dunk, I can dance while I’m running downcourt, I can do it all!”

Carolina fans can rest assured that head foosball coach B*tch Doofus will be in Chapel Hell for at least one more season pending the unexpected firing of any Division-I coaches between now and August. Although his name appeared linked to various coaching jobs around the country, all schools opted to fill those positions with more highly-qualified candidates. “This just wasn’t my year,” Doofus said. “After we faded down the stretch and got beat up in our home state in a bowl game, I pretty much knew I’d be here at UNC another year.” Doofus, who spent time coaching in college and the NFL before coming to UNC, was under serious consideration for the head coaching position at Tennessee, though his name was linked to openings at area high schools and recreational leagues. “I like to consider myself the Larry Brown of football, so you can expect me to be on the move before too long,” Doofus said. “I always admired how he was able to move from team to team in basketball. Then I came to Chapel Hell and decided I would keep trying his strategy of be-

BC, Wake mistaken for NBA teams Players shocked they’re still in college MARSHA MCTASTIC

DTHELL/FU FU MCNUT

The ratio of fans wearing red to blue was about 41 to 10 as the Wolfpack beat the babies in blue 41-10 Nov. 22.

trayal since we are both part of the UNC family now.” Even after the recent firing of Boston College coach Jeff Jagodzinski after he chose to interview with the New York Jets, UNC athletics detector Dick Baddoer said he had no plans to do the same with Doofus if he chooses to interview elsewhere. “We think it’s flattering that other schools want to talk to our coach. That never used to happen before I hired [Doofus],” Baddoer said. “We are committed to keeping him here at Carolina, and we will give him whatever he asks for to make that happen.” Plans to expand Kenan Municipal Park became a reality when Doofus pushed for more seats to be added as part of a negotiation after his first year coaching the Holes. “I wanted to be able to tell

recruits and their families that they would have plenty of space to stretch out when coming to games, so adding more unused seats should help that,” Davus said. Doofus, known for wearing his dark blue attire because he “hates that sissy blue color,” said making permanent changes to the school’s colors could be on the horizon. “When the Wolfpack came in here this year it made me realize how good our stadium could look,” Doofus said. “At first it was just all the red mixed in, but then when our fans started flooding out after turnover number five, the shine of empty aluminum stands caught my attention. I’m not sure aluminum is actually a color choice, but we will figure out an alternative.”

WHERE ARE THEY NOW?

Before Waine Shmellington was an athlete, he was a scholar. He was also the inspiration for Marc Brooks’ children’s books turned television series Arthur, airing on PBS. “Well Waine’s family lived right down the street,” Brooks said. “And I thought he looked a lot like a cute mouse, but a little bit uglier. Then I realized he looked a lot more like an aardvark, so I created Arthur based on Waine.” After being teased for his association with Arthur in junior high school, Waine got contact lenses and turned to basketball.

Given his cartoon appearance, it’s no surprise that Travel Hansboro is the son of a deranged Muppet character. Hansboro remains bitter at what traits he has inherited from his father, better known as Jim Henson’s creation Beaker: his nocturnal, bushbaby eyes and gaping toothless mouth. “We’ve talked once in the past meepmeeping year,” Beaker said. “I told him to learn how to meeping dribble the meeping ball and quit traveling all the meeping time. He’s making me look meeping ridiculous.”

FUTURE TV PERSONALITY/FACE

With NBA dreams come and gone for yet another year, UNC star basketball players Tyson Looson, Wendarious Ellingsworth and Donnie Verde, are having to suffer through yet another year of free education. But the dismal reality of the situation had not hit home until the Tar Holes’ loss at the hands of the Demons of Deacons. The three players finally realized they are still in college, and that playing for their NBA stock may have to wait until the NCAA Tournament, where they are used to losing. “I’m just trying to pop as many threes as possible — they gotta know I can shoot,” Looson said after a question on the importance of the point guard distributing the ball. The players have been calling each other out ever since the team’s first loss. Verde is telling Ellingsworth all he can do is roll off screens and shoot, Ellingsworth is bragging to Verde that he always has and always will get more playing time, while center Ty Handsbro is yet to be heard from — by anyone. Not to say that talk on Handsbro has been short — remember, when it comes to timeout huddles, he is the hardest-listening player most college basketball analysts have ever seen. But the wide-eyed, wide-mouthed fish has yet to speak on the team chemistry issue. As a matter of fact, Handsbro has yet to speak on any issue. And while Looson, Ellingsworth and Verde bicker about when exactly they should stop focusing on draft stock, they publicly wonder if Handsbro even knows what draft stock is. “I mean look at the guy out there,” Ellingsworth said. “It’s painful to watch. He looks like a fat woman slowly being run over, back and forth, by a delivery truck.”