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The Finest Page in All the Land
New NC food code released
Briefs
Dennis Kucinich seen at Asheville restaurant Plant Kucinich also seen gently massaging, talking to plants
Nano brewery opened in W. Asheville pants 30,000 dead N. Carolinians still registered to vote Dead vote down referendum on voter reform law
City residents strongly oppose anonymous corporation at heart of blind speculation
Unsourced rumor of unnamed chain store’s possible arrival has unknown implications
Local delegates seek to bring DNC energy back to Asheville Distributing new strain of golden-haired sativa
Farmers’ Almanac predicts every Octoberfest beer by every Asheville brewer will receive highest marks from every Asheville beer writer KFC’s new Foie Gras Double Down sandwich gets mixed reviews in AVL The Asheville Disclaimer is parody/satire. Contact tomscheve@gmail.com Twitter: @AvlDisclaimer Contributing this week: Joe Shelton, Tom Vinson, Tina Kessinger, Tom Scheve.
• Food workers will be required to use tongs to handle food/sexually harass coworkers.
• Food establishments must warn patrons who order rare-cooked meat that server’s laughter will be fake when phrase “I like it bloody” is used.
• Containers of food refrigerated more than 24 hours have to be marked with the date of when the food was opened or prepared so that cooks and servers know the food they’re cooking and serving is old and gross.
• Food refrigerated at 41 degrees can be kept for up to seven days, while food refrigerated at 45 degrees can be kept for four days, and refrigerators must reach this temperature at least 30 seconds before the health inspector’s visit. • Restaurants could earn more than 100 points on inspections under the previMy husband and I have not had much in the way of intimate relations since we had a child last year. Is this normal? —Kiddus Interruptus Daily
Have you tried water sports, KID? If that’s not your cup of pee, bring up the idea of hosting an orgy in a public space (such as a coffee shop that his parents frequent) as long as he is comfortable with the idea of hardcore wife swapping/exhibitionism in front of consenting, adult family members. I am a 26-year-old virgin and I’m too painfully shy to form any kind of relationship, let alone one that leads to sex. Do you have any ideas? —Super Shy Guy
40 SEPTEMBER 12 - SEPTEMBER 18, 2012 • mountainx.com
ous regulations. Now the maximum rating is 100. However, restaurants can still earn more than 100 points through use of a black magic marker.
• Food establishments will be required to always have a worker on site during operation who has taken some type of food safety course so that other workers know upon whom to direct their ire.
Politics
Post-Convention VP flare-up
• If an unsatisfied customer sends a plate back to the kitchen demanding it be fixed, cook must put on second pair of gloves regardless of what cook does next.
• Wait staff MUST respond to impossible-to-answer greetings from customers such as, “Hey, what do you say?”
• When seated at booth talking to coworkers in otherwise empty restaurant, employees must cover face with inside of elbow when rolling eyes upon entrance of customer. • Back-of-house workers may fraternize with front-of-house workers, but only if purpose of interaction is selling pills or trying to bang the new hostess.
• Per NC law, you may sell food out of a truck as some greater political statement or just as a means of selling food out of a truck, your call.
• Owners/managers who work 55+ hours per week are no longer required to mention it constantly. As long as its mutually acceptable, SSG, you should pay a consenting prostitute to check your prostate with a closed fist.
I’ve been dating a guy for five months and we still haven’t slept together. Is he some kind of weirdo? —What’s Wrong With Him/Me Some guys, WWWH/M, like having sex before you start dating, and other guys are weirdos. Have you two tried browsing in your local sex shop for enormous consenting dildos or introducing a new consenting sexual partner into the mix? Many times this will break the ice.
WASHINGTON, MONDAY — Vice-presidential nominee Paul Ryan has issued a response to Vice President Joe Biden’s Democratic National Convention declaration to his wife, “Jilly, you are the love of my life and the life of my love.” Ryan issued the following statement: “I meant to say to my wife Janna during my speech the following: Janna, you are the lifeblood that pumps through my veins when I’m doing my P90X workout every day at the Congressional gym with my fellow patriot Republicans.” Biden slammed back, “Jilly, you are the very liver that filters the bad stuff out of my blood. You’re the cucumber to my tomato in those wonderful low-cal salads you make. Thanks to you, Jilly, I’m as fit as I’ll ever get.” Ryan vehemently responded: “Janna, you’re my New Balance when I sprint marathons, the gold watch I slip onto my sinewy, tanned arm in the morning, the Brooks Brothers shirt that’s bursting at the seams over the extremely wide shoulders I’ve developed.” Biden responded through an aide that he has no further comment on the issue and that he’s currently vacationing with “… the woman who’s the Snickers bar to my Milk Duds that I like to mix with my popcorn when we go to the movies.”
Correction Last week we incorrectly stated that during this week in history, the column “This Week in History” by Martin Carruthers was published on this page in 2012. It was not. We apologize for any confusion.
ThisWeek in History By Martin Carruthers