NORTH BAY BOHEMIAN | JANUARY 25–31, 2012 | BOHEMIAN.COM
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BOHEMIAN
Rhapsodies Tased and Confused
Tase the dog, the mailman, the car, and everything else BY WILL SHONBRUN
I
recently read an article about a guy who got tased at the Sacramento International Airport because he wouldn’t go back and retrieve something he’d forgotten on his plane. Got me to thinking. Dog won’t stop barking? Tase it. Cat refusing your handouts? Tase it. Husband misbehaving? Tase the blighter. Wife giving you lip? Give her a taste of the old taser. Kids acting up? You get the message. Why should only cops get to electrocute people? It’s not fair. It’s un-American. This would not pass muster with our Founding Fathers or Mothers. And muster wasn’t the only thing they passed in those hot little convention rooms of yore. One can only imagine the smell in there. But I digress . . . Those frock-coated, high-heeled gents of old would have tased the shit out of each other given half a chance had they the technology. I think we should all be issued tasers at birth, graded in size as we age. Is this not a right? Why has the ACLU been so glaringly quiet about this? Where’s the gun lobby? Are they holed up with the civil rights freaks plotting some kind of takeover? This smells of conspiracy. And conspiracy smells a lot like . . . well, you know what. How many times in a given day could you have pulled the ol’ taser out and given some schmuck a few extra volts to show your dissatisfaction? What’s happened to us God-fearing Americans? Have we been so pussified by the politically correct, bleedingheart, pacifist “om” chanters we can no longer express our true feelings in public? I cry (metaphorically) for my country gone astray. Truth now, aren’t you tempted to give those Republican presidential candidates a taste of the taser every time they say, “What Americans want is . . . ”? And as for the other party, tasing is too good for them. They all need the old dropping-the-radio-intothe-bathtub trick. Now if there was only a way to get them to all bathe together. I’ll work on that. But in the meantime, remember: the family that tases together, stays together. Will Shonbrun is a writer living in Sonoma. Open Mic is a weekly feature in the Bohemian. We welcome your contribution. To have your topical essay of 350 words considered for publication, write openmic@bohemian.com.
Power of Transformation
I’ve been going to Phas3 Martial Arts since January 2011 (“Sock! Bam! Pow!” Jan. 18). The place truly is transformative. They work you hard but are the nicest people, both students and teachers. It’s an incredible workout mixed with learning and inspiration. I’m a 44-year-old father of three, and it’s been a great release for stress and helped me with my business and family life.
as a symbol that a part of him is also a part of me. My name will always be Zura and I am forever Young, even though I have joined up with the Johnson clan.
ZURA JOHNSON Online
Common Good Nice article (“Uprising!” Jan. 18) Albino! has so much going; I love the band, especially the dancing! But for things to really change a lot needs to happen, hopefully for the good of us humans and the world as a whole.
NAGE KINNAP
KURT HOFFMAN
Online
Sonoma County
The Lucy Stone League Rides Again I’m thinking about name changes a lot right now (“The Feminist Wife,” Jan. 18). I live with Hans Eriksson and 10-monthold Freja Eriksson, and I’m Kristen Miller. I feel a little left out, but I like my name, and Kristen Eriksson just sounds and looks odd to me. I know of quite a few Swedes who have created their own new last name or taken a different family name. My sister-in-law and her husband are now Wunderlich. It is a maternal grandmother’s name that was never carried on. She was an amazing woman and he wanted to keep the Wunderlich name alive. At the end of the day, though, a name is just a name, right? But it’s so much more! Great article, Reena!
KRISTEN MILLER Online
What’s in a name? A rose by any other name would smell as sweet, so Reena Burton would if she were not Reena Burton called. That said, your name belongs to you, and it has to be your choice. I took my husband’s last name
Business as Usual I am aghast at the incompetence and railroading of the pro-business community in Sebastopol for the CVS / Chase development on the old Pellini property. How shortsighted that an EIR is not being required for what will surely be a glut of traffic at an already clogged entrance to town. How foolish that small “Sebastopol-friendly” promises of pedestrian walkways and rain gardens are somehow seen as saviors of this overall imposing, corporate-friendly project. How sad that Sebastopol is ready to welcome with open arms Chase Bank, a key player in the financial meltdown, and CVS, which bought Longs Drugs and quickly ruined everything good about the Bay Area institution. Isn’t the council considering the proposed Barlow center right across the street, which will bring even more bumper-to-bumper traffic? It won’t be long until we start seeing that familiar bumper sticker from the ’90s: “Three Lanes All the Way.” But this time, it will be for Highway 12.
JOHN MCKEOWN Forestville