The Ebb and Flow of Gender Fluidity | Weronika Kubik

Though gender is usually defined as a person’s individual identity of fitting somewhere along the male-female spectrum, in a socio-cultural context, it is understood as a set of characteristics, roles, and behaviors which do not necessarily correspond to a person’s biological sex. Identifying with a particular gender generates certain societal expectations, or even harmful stereotypes, dealing with which can be a daunting task. Sometimes gender can be like water – ebb and flow in an unrestrained manner, changing forms and directions. So what if a person does not feel connected to one specific point on the gender spectrum? Well, it might be a sign that they are genderfluid.

Gender fluidity is an identity which falls under the non-binary umbrella, meaning that genderfluid people do not see themselves as strictly male or female. Moreover, their gender identity and expression are not static, but change over time. These changes m i g h t occur only in identity, only in expression, or in both areas simultaneously. As for the frequency of the fluctuations, there is no set pattern – they can happen every few months, once a fortnight, or even from day to day. To somebody whose gender is fixed, such recurrent changes may seem rather confusing, but how does it look from the perspective of a person who experiences them firsthand? What made them question their gender identity?

What kind of challenges do they face in their daily life? How do people around them respond to their gender expression? These and several other questions had been answered by Jay, a genderfluid university student who lives in Warsaw. Jay uses she/ her and they/them pronouns to describe herself and as such, they will be used interchangeably throughout the article.

As the starting point of our conversations, we decided to go back to the beginning of Jay’s journey on their way to figuring out their gender identity. When asked what had made them realize that they might not be cisgender, she recalled how a few years back she had decided to explore the world of non-binary gender identities. At one point, they had stumbled across an Instagram account dedicated to queer history and culture, and there it was – the term ‘genderfluid’, one word that described the way they felt about their gender. One cannot deny the role social media play in the lives of nonbinary individuals, who can share their unique perspectives and not rarely come upon a safe and supportive community. This also proves to be of great importance on the road to self-discovery for many people, especially those who live in moreconservative countries, where access to queer-centered media is limited. For example, at the moment of writing this article, the Polish LGBTQIA+community has access to only one printed magazine concerned with queer issues, Replika, and one bookstore focused on queer literature –Księgarnia Stonewall located in Poznań.

Finding a term that describes one’s gender is by no means the solution to all the troubles. It can raise even more questions, as well as cause confusion or anxiety, if a person expects to be criticized or shunned because of their identity. Jay opened up about the emotions that she had dealt with at this initial stage. They had to rethink all their previous experiences, relationships, and the way they presented themselves to the rest of the world. She also talked about the issue she has with the Polish word used to describe people who had been assigned female at birth: “I was called a ‘kobieta’ (‘a woman’) many times when someone wanted to offend me.” In this sense, ‘kobieta’ would be equivalent to the English ‘female’, a word which is similarly weaponized by misogynists to make women seem weak, inadequate, and inferior to men in general. However, regardless of what a person’s identity is, most people have been targeted by stereotypes, pertaining either to their actual gender or to what others assume to be their gender. Being subjected to this kind of hostile treatment can be detrimental to one’s self-esteem and mental health, and, in some cases, endanger their physical well-being.

According to the annual report prepared by Transgender Europe, in 2021 alone, as many as 375 non-cisgender people had been murdered. Compared to another report drawn by the same organization based on 2020 data in that matter, 12 cases have been reported, indicating an increase of 3025%. It is important to note that these numbers represent only reported deaths, while the total number of gender-diverse lives that were taken is possibly much higher. Apart from these extreme, tragic cases, many queer people deal with verbal and physical violence on a daily basis.

It can be assumed that at least a part of this hostility stems from the lack of knowledge and understanding of the topic which oftentimes turns into apprehension and hatred. Explaining one’s gender identity can be an extremely tricky task, especially when a queer person’s conversation partner belongs to an older generation or comes from a strongly conservative background. That is why many non-cis people are afraid to talk about their gender identity, for example, to their own families. As disheartening as it is to not be able to be yourself around the people closest to you, sometimes it is simply safer to hide your true self. In Jay’s case, she had been open about her gender with her partner, who is also a non-binary person. However, they have not decided to come out to their family so far, and they are not sure whether this conversation will ever take place. She is not opposed to discussing the matter with her relatives, but she is not sure they would understand: “I have always heard from people around me that I need to have long hair, wear dresses, feminine clothes… Then came a moment when I actually realized that even the closest people in my life feel the need to put me in a box of being a woman, and that I don’t fully fit in it.”

Still, figuring out one’s gender identity more often than not leads to changes which are difficult to conceal: new outfits, fanciful hairstyles, braver make-up looks. Generally speaking, the realization of who you really are comes with an unparalleled sense of confidence and freedom, as well as with the courage to express yourself in ways that seemed daunting before. Many queer people choose to challenge the gender stereotypes with their style. Jay stated that their gender expression changed drastically after they embraced their gender fluidity. One aspect of this transformation that was particularly meaningful and liberating was shaving off all her hair because they had wanted to do it ever since they had been a young teenager but were afraid of what people would say. To prove the point about the healing influence of refusing to conform to gender stereotypes enforced by the society, they recalled how their androgenous, buzzcut-rocking self altered the way people looked at them, and how welcome this attention turned out to be. Additionally, there were the people close to her who greeted the change with an enthusiastic attitude and unwavering support. Luckily, many people approach diversity with fascination and love rather than with fear and hate.

It is important to remember, however, that not everyone has good intentions – something most women and queer people are painfully aware of. As soon as you are perceived as “the weaker sex” or your gender expression differs from “the norm”, you can never feel completely safe in public places. While some people are simply trying to take advantage of and hurt their fellow humans, the hostility displayed by others can be attributed to the lack of education and exposure to members of the queer community. In Poland, the insufficient representation of the LGBTQIA+ community, especially of the identities encompassed by the non-binary umbrella, is largely caused by the irrational fear of the “rainbow propaganda” displayed by the conservative part of the Polish society. The criticism of the majority of the government and attacks of the right-wing groups prevent fair queer representation in media and public spaces from becoming widely accepted. Fortunately, non-governmental organizations, such as Miłość Nie Wyklucza, Grupa Stonewall, Kampania Przeciw Homofobii, and several others, are fighting for the rights of queer people in Poland. On top of that, every June many cities host Pride Parades, the biggest of them being Parada Równości (‘the Equality Parade’) in Warsaw.

These efforts are met with the backlash of the conservative Poles. It seems that the idea behind trying to silence the LGBTQIA+ community is that if people will not see queerness, they will not question the boxes that we are all put into, but… “The thing is they do. They do question their identity even though they don’t see queer representation because they feel that something is wrong, that something is different,” commented Jay. “I didn’t question my gender identity nor my sexuality for the first 18 years of my life, or 20 even. So maybe if I had seen some people who didn’t really fit into one or the other category, I would’ve found myself earlier.

I had no clue that I could identify with something else.” One can not stress enough the importance of truthful, inclusive representation. Many people who are not cisgender and heterosexual struggle with self-acceptance and with fear of being rejected by those around them. Seeing someone like them in the media or in public would show them that there is nothing wrong with them, that they deserve love and respect just like everyone else. It is crucial especially when it comes to young people, as they are less prepared to deal with these struggles on their own. According to the report published by Kampania Przeciw Homofobii, 28.4% of queer people display symptoms of depression. The most alarming data pertains to the ones that are the future of our society – among the respondents under 18 years of age, 49.6% suffer from depression and 69.4% reported experiencing suicidal thoughts.

The situation of the LGBTQIA+ community in Poland is not good, but as long as we do not give up and keep up the hard work, there is hope that things will improve. The people who identify as non-cisgender are in a particularly difficult situation, as they are strongly under-represented and have to constantly struggle against harmful gender stereotypes. Therefore, it is pivotal to give a platform to gender-diverse voices, such as Jay. When asked if they would like to share any parting words with those who are just starting to explore their gender identity and expression, Jay had some simple yet valuable advice: “Just take your time and don’t worry about it too much. Also, if you choose to identify with some label, you don’t have to stick to it throughout your whole life. Everything changes, your gender identity can change. Take it easy and give yourself a lot of time.” As the generations of queer people before us, we have to be proud of who we are and persevere in our fight for a more just, tolerant world.