Family Life
Marital Bliss to Marital Myths
“There is a lack of networking. People need more social situations where they can get to know one another and be more comfortable,” Magid says, “and parents need to start realizing that this is a multi-cultural society.”
leaving many to question their identities as Muslims. For many, the frustration can be too much to bear. “Many girls do feel after years of trying to get married that following the Islamic way causes hardship. And the non-Muslim way might be easier,” Benhaddou says. But she didn’t give up hope and was married in 2010 after meeting her husband while volunteering at the annual ISNA convention. In reaction to his disappointments and struggles through this process, Carl also found himself building closer ties with Muslim convert communities. “It just reinforces my sense of estrangement,” Carl says. This sentiment maintains a separation between Muslims of different ethnic backgrounds, leaving more young Muslims feeling despair. Another challenge Muslim Americans face is the generation gap between them and their parents, causing a clash between what
This challenge was definitely a road block for 30-year-old Nadia Benhaddou from Chicago. For years, before eventually finding her soulmate, she faced adversity and disappointment. Growing up in a predominantly Palestinian, Muslim community on Chicago’s Southside, her options were limited as Palestinian parents preferred Palestinian girls for their sons. “Palestinians are very tied to their culture and to their hometowns,” she says. Benhaddou, whose mother is from El Salvador and whose father is from Algeria felt discriminated against when meeting marriage prospects. This specific challenge to getting married is not only leaving young Muslim men and women unwillingly unmarried, but it is also
the parent is looking for in a spouse for their child, versus what their child actually wants. “You really just have to find someone on your own,” says Leena Saleh, 23, a communications coordinator in Chicago. “Less and less can you rely on your parents to arrange it for you. They have different ideas of what marriage is and isn’t.” Although more young adults are looking for a marriage companion on their own, there are still boundaries that exist between the sexes that one has to be weary not to cross. “The separation between the genders is helpful, but it needs to be in a certain context,” Carl says. “Because this separation exists; families need to be open and help facilitate people meeting.”
By Leen Jaber
W
hen Trent Carl, 24, accepted Islam in 2007, he expected the changes that living a Muslim life would bring. But when he was ready to begin his journey in completing his religion with the sanctity of marriage, he did not expect the challenges he encountered. “I didn’t encounter racism until after I became Muslim,” says the Texas native about the resistance he felt from immigrant Muslim parents unwilling to accept a convert into their families. Carl found himself under a microscope; his mixed ethnic background, his job and his religion became critically scrutinized. Needless to say, this became a source of great stress to the young Muslim and how he related to his greater Muslim community. However, Carl is not alone in his struggle. The challenges he faces are a part of a greater problem facing young Muslim Americans today who are striving to get married. Many Muslim families are still resistant to marrying outside of their ethnicity. Not only does a generation gap exist between these parents and their American-born children, many of these families are also completely unaware of their children’s bi-cultural identity, which causes parents to reject suitable mates that are outside their race or ethnicity.
Second-Generation Struggles “The phenomenon of second generation [Americans] is still growing. This is a challenge,” says Imam Mohamed Magid, ISNA president and imam at ADAMS Center in Sterling, Va. This is one of the four main challenges that Magid cited as existing for Muslim Americans going through the marriage process. “We live in a multi-religion, multicultural society. You don’t know who is who because the Muslim community is scattered throughout the country,” he says when discussing the hesitance Muslim Americans feel when finding suitable partners. In the U.S., there is an underlying fear that both parents and children feel when choosing a spouse because they don’t know people’s backgrounds and families. Islamic Horizons May/June 2012
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