the couple but not the decision makers. They should let them learn to make it on their own, as difficult as it will be to see them struggle. The couple must learn to be independent to succeed. • The parents should be considerate of the couple’s feelings. They should not get upset with them for not spending as much time with them as they did before. They are building a new life that requires spending some time on their own. Likewise, the couple must be considerate of their parents’ feelings. They have spent their lives raising their child and now the child has left the nest. They simply miss them. • Parents should not try to influence the choices that their offspring make within their marriage. Don’t try to manipulate your new son-in-law or daughter in-law to move in the direction you prefer. Your job is to continue providing them with parental love and support, not to make their choices. • Boundaries are particularly critical and challenging when young couples start their new life together, especially if living with one of the parents. Tensions undoubtedly will arise as the home of one family now becomes a living space for two. Clear boundaries will be needed to help alleviate this tension. It is recommended that the young couple chose a living arrangement that will allow for them to grow as people and as a couple. If a shared household is not conducive to that, it may compromise the well being of couple’s relationship with each other.
FOR PARENTS A parent’s love is a powerful thing, which cannot be turned off or ignored, but as adult children move to this next stage of life it is important for parents to observe a new balance. This balance is between loving your child, providing support while giving them the space to make their own decisions including making mistakes and letting each child grow with their spouse as a couple. Parents should also maintain balance when involved in helping the couple through a difficulty. It is normal to want to favor the side of your child, remember no one is perfect and no one in this relationship is an outsider. Your child and the spouse need to be equal in your eyes and given the same considerations. The new couple must establish boundaries
as well and it is critical for parents to respect them. The husband and wife are now one unit, but that does not dissolve parental rights over them. As they enter into marriage, they move toward having four parents instead of two. It is now their responsibility to bestow love, mercy, and kindness to all the parents, not only in words but spending time with them, taking time to call, and attending to their emotional and physical needs as they age. Remember your child’s religiosity is now also contingent upon the spouse’s practice. It is their responsibility, and certainly to their benefit, to be there for their in-laws and to enable the husband or wife to be there for their parents as well.
DIFFERENT TIMES, DIFFERENT WAYS Each generation lives in a different time and environment than the one before and the one after. God has made each of us for a particular time, place and situation. Therefore, parents cannot expect the children to live their lives exactly as they have lived theirs. This is particularly important in dealing with first- and second-generation Americans. This country offers many unique opportunities. One of those great opportunities is to interact with and get to know people from around the world. As a result, our children sometimes find companionship in people who are different from us. The children we raised are not going to be exactly the same as we are. This may be even truer of the person they select to be their life partner. This is not saying we should restrict our children to marrying those who are most like us, in fact preventing them from marrying on that basis is a violation of their own right bestowed upon them by their Creator and something one would be accountable for before God. He has said in the Quran (49:30): “We have made you into nations and tribes so you may know one another and the best among you is the one who is most righteous.” God has bestowed variety among humans so they know one another and the only true difference in His eyes is in their deeds. Why do some parents insist on limiting access to the most suitable spouse for their children to a particular ethnicity when God has stated that was not the purpose of the diversity? Certainly cultural differences will present challenges to the new couple and the new in-laws. One or both sides may have language barriers or particular standards that are expected of the mother or father-in-law,
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or daughter or son-in-law. Challenges can arise even within the same culture; status, wealth, religiosity and expression of communication are just a few. No marriage is free of conflicts. It is how we deal with those situations that will strengthen or weaken the marital relationship and the relationship with the new in-laws.
SOME ADVICE FOR THE NEWLYWEDS What happens when conflict arises? At the first sign of conflict, search your knowledge base making sure to apply it with wisdom. “I’m sorry my mother said those things to you, but I couldn’t say anything to her, she’s my mother.” The Quran and Hadith teach us to honor our parents, never speaking back to them and humbling ourselves before them. Islam also teaches us that there are others who have rights on us. The relationship of husband and wife is not like any other and the unique rights of the relationship cannot be ignored. This is our knowledge but you must apply it with wisdom. Here is a common question: “Do I fulfill my mother’s rights or those of my spouse?” The answer is both. It is your responsibility to provide an emotionally safe environment for your spouse. You should speak up on your spouse’s behalf to your mother or father, but you must do so with the utmost gentleness and respect toward them. While respectfully addressing parents, one can tell them that such a way of speaking to your other half is not only hurtful to your spouse but that it is hurtful to you as well, not to mention it is displeasing to God. Likewise, you cannot sit by while your spouse speaks to or treats your parents in a degrading manner. It is impossible to name all the situations that will arise but remember Islam is not a religion we follow blindly. Know your rights, the rights of your spouse and of your parents, and apply wisdom thoughtfully to the situation at hand. Even intense conflict does not permit us to disregard the basic Islamic conduct. And if all else fails, follow the prophetic example of seeking sincere counsel from an outside source. Striving to preserve these important relationships, even when it seems difficult, is an act of worship in itself. May God bring peace, tranquility, comfort and kindness to all of our relationships.
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Imam Mohamed Magid is president of ISNA.
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