Discovering Me

WORDS PUEYEN LEE ILLUSTRATION TANIA VICEDO

As I cuddled my 6-monthold daughter during her afternoon nap one day about three years ago, I was struck by a thought: “What would be the best life gift to offer my children while I was still around?”

Surprisingly, the answer came instinctively to me. I realized I wanted to equip them with the skills and emotional agility to pursue their passions with a resolute belief in their own potential. All well and good, but I had no idea where to start. Before I could go about helping my children, I needed to help myself. This would require confronting the difficulties of my own childhood.

Growing up as a third-generation Chinese in Malaysia, I was both lucky and unlucky. While my parents provided me with an abundance of academic support, from tutors to learning opportunities like studying in England, as well as the very latest mobile phones, Ihad little emotional guidance or someone with whom I could share my feelings and thoughts.

Rather, largely by observing how my parents raised their four children, I learned (at least subconsciously) that negative emotions shouldn’t be shared and that nobody cared how I felt anyway. Certainly, there was no appreciation for the idea of emotional intelligence.

The result was an emotional numbness for many years. I didn’t know how to deal with my feelings, which would sometimes bubble up as alienating displays of despair or rage. In those moments, friends or family would either freak out or just ignore me.

As I sat looking at my daughter sleeping peacefully in my arms that day, Iknew I had to hit my inner reset button. I embarked on a journey of self-discovery, first through the works of well-known researchers, psychologists and therapists like Brené Brown, Viktor Frankl, Edith Eger, Carl Rogers and Marisa Peer.

Over time, I have transformed my emotional state. I have learned that my feelings are not something separate to be switched on and off—they are me. By giving myself “permission to feel,” as Yale professor Marc Brackett puts it in his inspiring book on the power of emotions, I have cultivated deep connections with my true self.

I have become more present, vulnerable, courageous and empathetic, which has led to much more meaningful relationships—built on trust—with my children, friends and colleagues. Most importantly, I have come to forgive my parents for that emotionally stifling part of my upbringing.

Recognizing, understanding and expressing emotions can be an unsettling experience in our fast-moving world that allows us little space to do such things. But being open and vulnerable enables us to develop powerful feelings of compassion, understanding and fearlessness. In turn, we are able to reveal our true selves to those around us.

The benefits of being emotionally equipped are far-reaching, from improved decision making and creativity to better relationships and health. Emotions aren’t something to isolate, suppress or ignore. They are tools to enable us to achieve our dreams, thrive in our communities and unlock a better tomorrow.

Pueyen Lee is a Club Member.