Iceni Columnist Keri Beevis

For anyone under the illusion that authors are classy… well, okay, that I’m classy, read on.

This was what happened on my last publication day.

Now publication day.

Champagne and Above: Keri Beevis congratulations, maybe flowers and lunch with friends to celebrate as you watch your book climb the charts?

Nope, not in this house.

Publication day in the house of Beev went a little like this.

I was awake early(ish)... well, kind of early for me, and still a little groggy with another lockdown hangover.

I poked my boobs back in my t-shirt, from where they had slipped out of one of the arm holes, grabbed my tablet, and started tweeting and Facebooking furiously.

Ellie and Lola were not impressed with this. Ellie circled the bed like a little furry shark, meowing petulantly for her breakfast, while Lola kept trying to push the tablet away so she could get into my lap.

I noticed something on the sheet next to me and assumed it was probably a snack crumb. Not that I would ever dream of eating snacks in bed and I can't possibly imagine how a crumb would get there *COUGH*

Anyway, I digress.

So I flicked the snack crumb on to the floor. Classy, I know, but I needed to get back to the whole BUY MY BOOK malarkey.

After the flicking, I noticed my finger was brown and I sniffed it dubiously, more than a little grossed out when it I realised it had come out of the bum of one of my cats.

I glanced suspiciously at Lola, who meowed at me and attempted again to get onto my lap.

It was then I noticed the small brown smear on my sheet where she had been sitting.

So there I was, with poo finger and a dirty sheet, not to mention I had flicked the snack crumb sized bit of poo on my brown carpet and it was now lost, and Lola gave up trying to get on my lap and instead decided to head for the pillow.

'LOLA! NOOOOOOOO!'

I hurtled out of bed, managed to snatch her up with my poo free hand, catching a glance at myself in the mirror as I did.

I had washed my hair the night before, but been too lazy to straighten it and I looked like the love child of 1980s Jon Bon Jovi and a hippopotamus, my belly and boobs wobbling and my wild hair sticking on end.

This was not the cool, sophisticated author image I wanted to present on publication day.

Off I trotted to the bathroom to clean my contaminated finger, while thankfully Lola sat down and decided to have a bum wash . I then (having vainly put off buying reading glasses) spent the next half an hour nose to carpet, as I tried to hunt down the offending snack crumb sized bit of poo, before one of us squidged it.

My crime thriller, D For Dead is available to buy in paperback and Kindle now.

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