Against All Odds: Practical Advice for Preparing Children for Changing Relationships

There is nothing that you can write in a prenuptial agreement regarding unborn children that would be legally binding upon parties. Until a child is born, an attempt to agree upon what would occur if parties separated would not be enforceable. That, however, does not preclude the value of a discussion of what would occur if parties contemplating a child/children separate. It may sound counter intuitive to have a discussion prior to having a child but a rational civil conversation may be very helpful in framing the foundation of what would occur if a couple decided to separate.

If prospective parents agree that they are each essential to their children’s lives, and that they mutually need to raise a child/ children even if not physically living together, it could serve as a beneficial premise for future decisions. Unfortunately, emotions and opinions may change at the time of separation or divorce. Rational thought may disappear and take a back seat to anger and hurt. The hope is a recollection of the discussion that each parent would place his/her love and desire for the best interest of the child/children above his/her own emotions and mutually agree to go forward behaving in a civil manner toward each other.

The U.S. Supreme Court determined in 2015 that same-sex marriages are constitutionally protected and therefore child custody issues are also considered in both traditional and nontraditional parental relationships. The recent Respect for Marriage

Law confirms such for future generations. There are also cases before the Courts regarding the custodial rights related to embryos and surrogates. When it comes to children, the issues of a breakup of any family unit are the same. All decisions are focused on the best interest of the children. There are many factors that the Court must consider. The courts prefer and encourage the parents to reach agreements. Parents are in the best position to know what is best for their children rather than the courts who only witness families in proceedings. When breakups dramatically change civility between parents, children absorb tension like sponges and become negatively affected; and this makes no difference how the family is identified.

The concept is simple but not always practically applied: Focus on the children above yourself. No matter how angry or hurt or how much disdain you have for your former partner, do not express it in front of children or others in earshot who will repeat it to the children. Be civil; watch what you say directly or indirectly to each other. Children will hear it and feel it. Parents need to be on the same page, having the same rules in each house. Each parent may have a different style of parenting, and this is acceptable as long as each supports the other in the decision-making process.

If kids witness respect, they will have it for both parents. Disparaging remarks only lead to sadness and harm to the child.

Children in separated families will be impacted in a way which may affect them for their entire lives. Whether the impact is substantially negative or relatively uneventful is often dependent on how the parents act and approach each other. Children should never be used as pawns in the arsenal of one’s attack. No one wins in a protracted custody fight and often the children lose.

Family counseling with early intervention can go a long way toward resolving tension and recognizing how behavior toward each other will affect children’s mental health. Children regularly blame themselves for a family breakup and counseling helps alleviate those thoughts.

Today there is a pronounced attempt to equate the time the parties have with the children (physical custody) if the circumstances support the same. Regardless of time, there should be a schedule made in advance for each household, with clear and direct communication to eliminate as much stress as possible. Parents should do all they can together to make the children as safe, comfortable and happy as possible in the new arrangements.

Each parent has a right to be equally involved in the medical, educational and social well-being of the children and the same should be acknowledged and supported by both parents. (legal custody.) Those of us who are old enough to watch The Brady Bunch television series remember a family that was happily blended. Some parents, immediately after separation want to start a new blended family. It usually does not work unless patience and very good judgement are applied. Rushing into new relationships does not make it easy for kids to adjust. Slow adjustments are more prudent and successful. H