ATTACHMENT VS. HELICOPTER PARENTING

RAISING INDEPENDENT

KIDS IN THE AGE OF HELICOPTER PARENTING

“Oh! I thought this child was alone!”

As my 4-year old walked ahead of me in the supermarket, I noticed an adult looking around for a parent. I picked up my pace and quickly informed the person that I was the child’s mother.

I hear this comment a lot… whether at the store, or because I let her climb a playground structure on her own, or because we let her run ahead of us at the airport. Actually, this statement blows my mind because if the people saying it were to look up, they would see me right there.

The expectations for today’s parents are overwhelming. No matter which parenting style you follow, you’re sure to receive constant feedback on it - from the news, social media, or out in public. We’re supposed to let our kids take risks, but we have to be right there so they never get hurt. In many cases, we’re expected to have a child who behaves even better than an adult.

So, how do we raise an independent, self-reliant child in a society that seems to expect us to hover like helicopter parents?

First let’s define the term helicopter parent. It’s a parent who constantly hovers over their kids without giving them the chance to learn how to do things on their own. In other words, a helicopter parent does everything for their child. It’s pretty easy to see the problem with helicopter parenting. Without opportunities to make decisions and make mistakes, our children will struggle to be independent.

But let’s not confuse helicopter parenting with attachment parenting. Attachment parenting is about cre

ating a secure and strong bond with your child.

It doesn’t mean we are constantly hovering. It means we are there for our child when she needs us, but we encourage her to trust herself enough to figure things out on her own.

Here are some ways to help you strike that fine balance between attachment parenting and helicopter parenting. Remember that you know your child better than anyone. Pay attention to your intuition—that little voice inside of you—because it will guide you to parent your child in the best possible way.

BE MINDFUL OF YOUR CHILD’S AGE

Raising an independent child means you encourage them to do things on their own when they are ready and capable. It doesn’t mean you should leave your baby crying for hours so they can be more independent. There’s a time for everything, and it’s natural for a small child to want to be close to you all the time. The most important thing you can do for them, especially at this stage, is to be present and respond to their cues and needs. This helps your child become more secure and eventually, they will start doing things on their own. It is a beautiful thing to watch unfold!

How will you know when they’re ready? You just will. You will notice your child starts asking less for you and doing more things on their own. When this happens, it’s the perfect time to encourage them to do even things on their own. The best way to do this is to lead by example. Our kids learn so much by watching us. Add to that your guidance and your child will start to figure out how to do so many things on their own.

ENCOURAGING VS. TELLING THEM WHAT TO DO

“Mama, can you draw a heart for me?” I looked at my toddler and said, “Why don’t you bring me another sheet of paper and I’ll show you how to make one.”

I explained as I drew a heart. Then, after many tries, she made her first heart. The look on her face when she figured it out was priceless!

You can apply this principle to pretty much anything your child wants to do. As they get older you give less instruction because you will know they can actually do what they want to accomplish.

LISTEN TO YOUR CHILD

Every child develops at a different pace, which means it’s important to be a present parent and one who listens. You will know what your child is capable of doing if you pay close attention to them.

And remember, children are capable of learning things from a young age. For example, we taught both of our kids how

to use a knife when they were toddlers. We talked about the process, we showed them how sharp a knife can be and eventually they were ready to use a knife on their own. Now my 7-year-old cuts up fruit for her 4-year-old sister frequently.

GIVE YOUR CHILD SPACE

Practicing attachment and gentle parenting doesn’t mean you are supervising your child every minute of the day. It means you’re accessible, and you are their source of love. You can help when they need it, and you know when to back off.

Figuring out when to back off, especially if your child is a toddler, can be tricky. But if you see that every month, every year, your child is doing more and more things on their own, with less intervening from you, then you know you’re on the right track.

One thing I personally do with my kids is ask if they can try and do something on their own first. They have surprised me many times! There’s no such thing as failure, it’s simply attempts you make in order to reach your goal. When we approach new tasks or activities this way, your children become less scared because they know they will eventually figure it out. They also know they won’t get in trouble if they don’t get it right the first time.

This is a great way to raise our children— by encouraging them to experiment, to discover and even figure out (developmentally appropriate) things on their own. When a mistake happens, don’t make a big deal out of it because it is simply a natural part of the process.

The most important thing you can do for your child is to make sure they are loved. My mom always told me she’s my cushion and when I fall, she’s right here to help me get back up and remind me of how capable I am. A supportive and reassuring environment gives a child the framework they need to be connected, responsible, and willing to try new things without fear.

WELCOME MISTAKES

We all make mistakes, in fact, it’s one of the ways we learn. One story that stuck with me since I was a teenager is the one of Thomas Edison. It took him thousands of tries to figure out how to make a lightbulb and when asked about it, he said, “I haven’t failed— I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Carolina King is a mom of two and the founder of Mama Instincts.

HAPPY 50TH, EARTH DAY!

Earth Day celebrates its 50th birthday this year.

When we develop a deep fondness of the natural world, all of those baby steps to greener living are amplified. It works wonders for not just the health of the planet, but our own health, too!

Richard Louv explains that a generation of children is not only being raised indoors, but is being confined to even smaller spaces. Jane Clark, a University of Maryland professor of kinesiology calls them ‘containerized kids.’ They spend more and more time in car seats, high chairs, and even baby seats for watching TV. When small children go outside, they’re often placed in containers— strollers—and pushed by walking or jogging parents. Most kid-containerizing is done for safety concerns, but the long term health of these children is compromised.

This inspires us to want to spend Earth Day with kids outdoors and with as much freedom to run and roam as possible. Enjoying our environment is extremely beneficial to adults, too. Exposure to nature has been found to encourage people to nurture close relationships with fellow human beings, value community, and to be more generous.

5 WAYS TO CELEBRATE EARTH DAY WITH KIDS

Get Outside

Take a walk and explore nature. Lay down a blanket and look at the clouds or do some stargazing. Celebrating Earth Day means loving and enjoying the earth so kids will feel passionate about protecting it.

HOST A CLEANUP DAY

Coordinate a time on Earth Day or a Saturday during April to pick up trash in your neighborhood or favorite park. Children who have never voluntarily picked up their bedrooms will love picking up someone else’s trash.

document a sunrise (or sunset)

Gather paper, crayons, markers, pastels, or chalk and head outside just before the sun rises or sets. Preserve the moment by asking everyone to draw the beautiful colors they see.

MAKE A BUTTERFLY GARDEN OR BUG HOTEL

Pollinators are critical to a healthy environment and our food supply. Find out what types of butterflies are native to your area and plant flowers and shrubs that attract them. You can also plant wildflowers to attract bees to your yard. A bug hotel is part garden art and part winter habitat for beneficial insects.

VISIT A LOCAL FARM OR YOUR FARMERS MARKET

More fun for the family than the typical grocery run. Plus, you will be supporting local farmers and conserving fuel. If your local farmers’ market is only open on a certain day of the week, make sure you visit it during Earth Week. Get to know local farmers and encourage your kids to ask questions about how they grow the foods they sell.