Study Breaks: San Antonio

THE 500 DAYS OF SUTTER:

SHAKEN AND STIRRED:

CAMPUS SHOOTINGS:

1,600 Tacos, 365 Days, 1 Food Critic

How the Modern Bond is Ruining the Franchise

Why Student Opinion is Critical in Gun Debates

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NOVEMBER 2015

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TABLE OF

AUS T IN CI T Y L IMI T S

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TEXAS TOAST: WHATABURGER

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50 0 DAY S O F S U T T E R

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PRODU C T ION Ian Friedel

Mark Stenberg

S T U D E N T D E B T 2016

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Photo by Mark Stenberg

NOVEMBER 2015

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NO T E F R OM T HE E DI T OR | by mark stenberg

During my interview with Mike Sutter, I realized that his eating literally thousands of tacos, combined with his food expertise, made him one of the premiere taco experts in all of Austin.

“And,” I said, “if you’re one of the foremost taco experts in Austin, you’ve gotta be one of the foremost taco experts in the country, and maybe even the world.”

I looked at him with a renewed sense of awe as I realized that I was talking to a Global Taco Ambassador.

His dogged persistence to learn everything there is to know about the taco is a lighthearted illustration of a modern reality. Given the amount of people and knowledge, the only way to really make an impact is to whittle the focus of your efforts into a narrow, narrow niche. Ferran Adria once said that you need an entire Editor-In-Chief @Fischo_Yachortoyle

life just to know about tomatoes.

This idea unsettles a lot of people, especially Americans. Our national identity is built on self-reliance, rugged individualism, manifesting destinies and pulled-up bootstraps. Specialization—focusing on a part of a part of a whole—f lies in the face of this mentality, because it forces you to rely on others.

But in many other cultures, people are more likely to understand themselves as reliant on a community, interwoven with others. A New York Times article called “Wheat People vs. Rice People” outlined a study that attributed these different social orientations to the class structures created by wheat farming and rice farming.

“Rice is a finicky crop,” writes T.M. Luhrmann. “Because rice paddies need standing water, they require complex irrigation systems that have to be built and drained each year. One farmer’s water use affects his neighbor’s yield.”

Planting and harvesting wheat, on the other hand, requires less coordination and

KEEP A LOOK-OUT FOR:

cooperation. This nurtures an individualistic mindset rather than a communal one.

Over time, the study argues, these agricultural realities have become our mindsets.

Luhrmann continues: “It is worth remembering that this way of thinking might just be the product of the way our forefathers grew their food, and not a fundamental truth about the way that all humans f lourish.”

Specialization, then, is like rice farming in that it turns dependence into an asset.

This concept is vital to running a magazine, but having a strong support system— and contributing to a strong support system—is also vital to succeeding in college.

Fake or Campus Watch: Half are fake, half are from the UTPD crime blotter—can you tell the difference?

In this issue, music writer Gabriel Aguilar shares a stunning piece that perfectly expresses this point through a very unique phenomenon—Chinese pop music.

On page 52, I write about ACL and the role of specialization and niches in the music-festival scene. Sometimes, as ACL has proven, a lack of specialization can be its very own form of specialization.

And finally, Alison Miller discusses the tragic phenomenon of school shootings, calling for college students to present a firm, coalesced platform on gun control.

As Luhrmann says, “Wheat doesn’t grow everywhere. Start-ups won’t solve all our problems. A lone cowboy isn’t much good in the aftermath of a Hurricane Katrina.”

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Inspired by brooklynbarmenus.com We curated a list of menus from the hippest restaurants across Texas

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CONTRIBUTORS Will Strecker

Alison Miller

is an English Major at the University of Texas at Austin. ϐ ǡ has no plan after graduation.

Always the optimist, he Dzϐ dz when May comes around.

A born and bred Texan, Alison graduated with a bachelor’s degree in Biology and Plan II from UT in 2014.

Always an avid reader and ǡ ϐ all hope of being accepted by corporate America and started freelance writing in 2015. When she’s not ǡ ϐ her teaching yoga or being a proud dog-mama to her rescue pitbull, Zeus. Alison enjoys books, rainstorms, red wine and dark chocolate.

Kid Gonzo has been missing for nearly four weeks and was last seen outside of Houston, Texas.

If you have any information on his whereabouts, please contact Study Breaks magazine.

Gabriel Aguilar

Jacoby Bancroft is a fourth year college student at the University of Nevada-Reno, where he’s pursuing degrees in Journalism and Communication Studies. He’s passionate about all things Entertainment, and has vowed to watch every movie and television show ever made. He hopes to one day become a billionaire playboy who dresses up like a bat at ϐ Ǥ

is a sophomore at the University of Texas at San Antonio. He likes anything and everything about music, musicianship, and just about anything that makes noise.

Does get along with others.

John David White ϐ also has pics of his dog and original photo captions on Instagram @jdw_burps

Ali Breland

Karinna Lopez

works as a Web Producer for POLITICO in Washington, D.C. He sometimes contributes things about rap music to Hypetrak. com to increase his street credit, and his work has been featured on CNN, NPR and The Christian Science Monitor. He also agrees with that girl who wrote that piece on why live music sucks and thinks she’s pretty cute.

Follow him on Twitter (his tweets are lit) @AliBreland.

is a fourth-year Retail Merchandising major at the University of Texas at Austin who inspires to one day take over the world.

In the meantime, she lives day by day balancing being a student and becoming an adult. Follow her journey on Instagram @kariyissel

Mark Stenberg is the Editor of Study Breaks, as well as a fan of food, literature, writing, drinking and jokes. He lives in the gutters of San Antonio.

Follow him on Instagram @ ϐ ̴

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NOVEMBER 2015

Michael Tyler is an entry-level worker with one year experience. He doesn’t want to be relocated to North Dakota.

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T E X A S T O A S T | by mark stenberg • photography by ian friedel

WHATABURGER

In 1913, Marcel Proust published series of volumes that hat I’ve never read, which he collectively titled À la Recherche du Temps Perdu, which—if you’ve eaten pain perdu you might ht have guessed—translates to In Search of Lost Time. Readingg ϐ ǡ

brooch of pretension emblazoned on the downy cardigan of the literatiǡ Ȅ ϐ Ǧ loathing—I plan to read Proust’s tour de force myself.

Until then, memorizing the novel’s cultural currency has given me a ‘get out of jail free’ card for the literary dick-measuring contests that lurk around every corner in English departments. More importantly, it can do

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NOVEMBER 2015

the same for you. Cultural currency is essentially the social Sparknotes of a creative work, be it book, movie, album, whatever. So instead of watching, reading, visiting or otherwise legitimately engaging with the piece, you simply recite a fact or quote about it and people assume you’re familiar with it.

For instance, if you say “You—talking to me?” decorum forces people to assume that you’ve watched Taxi Driver, because that line is its cultural currency. In much the same way, one trivial tidbit stands as proxy for reading all 4,215 pages of In Search of Lost Time.

In volume one, the narrator dips a madeleine—a tiny, shortcake-esque cookie that’s baked in a particular mold (the French!) to make it resemble a seashell—into a cup of tea. The bite immediately relays the narrator back to his childhood, as he remembers eating the same cookie with his aunt. He attributes the whole experience to eating the madeleine, and in doing so, he invents the concept that is now called Proustian memory. ϐ ǡ a remembrance unintentionally brought on by an experience. While any number of things can tease out a Proustian memory, it’s most often associated with sensory stimuli like smell, sound or taste. As a result, food is one of the most common sources of these memories. If you’ve ever heard someone say, “It reminds me of

ǡdz ǯ ϐ this concept, possibly even describing a véritable Proustian experience.

For me, no more effective Proustian trigger exists than the Whataburger #1 hamburger. Whenever I eat the #1 (an increasingly rare phenomenon as the delicious stranglehold of the Honey Barbecue Chicken Strip Sandwich becomes tighter and tighter), I’m instantly transported back to half-day Friday’s in high school. At my high school, we usually had one half-day a month, and when it rolled around, I would always go to Whataburger with friends.

I’d order the #1 with no cheese and one of each ketchups, and then sit back

in Whataburger’s uncomfortable, un-

The restaurant is steeped in tradition

ergonomical booth seating and scheme

and engrained in Texan life: fathers take

out the rest of the day. Half-days ruled

sons out of school to eat with them at

because everyone’s parents were still at

Whataburger, busloads of high school

work, so we could do hoodrat shit at our

football players load up on burgers on

houses with impunity. Usually though,

the drive back from away games; hordes

we spent our precious free time sneaking

ϐ

into the local JCC through the pool

late on Saturday nights, and good friends

entrance and playing basketball with

of mine have at times requested only

retired guys wearing sports goggles. But

Honey Butter Chicken Biscuits for their

it was the sense of possibility that was

birthday.

intoxicating, that rare air of freedom—

Given all this, Whataburger could

having a car, no school, nothing to do and

probably get away with serving par food,

no parents—that I remember from those

be the place people love to eat at because

days. And now, every time I eat a #1,

the atmosphere, where the food is just a

that same carpe diem feeling of half-day

pleasant afterthought, like Panera Bread

possibility bubbles up.

or a movie theater. Instead, every menu

I’m not alone in my Whataburger-

offering is on point. On a Monday night,

induced nostalgia though, as the restaurant

I went with two friends and ordered my

knows to stick to its old-timey guns,

trusty companion, the Honey Barbecue

unapologetically milking its retro vibe for

Chicken Strip Sandwich Meal ($7.39),

all its worth . Its iconic gaudy colors and

while they ordered a Monterey Melt Meal

A-frame architecture, combined with its

($7.39) and a #1 Meal ($5.59). ǡ ϐ ǡ Whataburger is affordable. The standard Whataburger meal is 20¢ less than a Big Mac and almost a dollar less than a Whopper. How Whataburger stays

Texan gestalt—William Basset’s gravelvoiced commercials narrate my dreams— and wholesome, lovable uncoolness make it the perfect food chain to bear the sigil for the Lone Star stomach.

NOVEMBER 2015

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cheaper than the international burger oligarchs beats me, but I’m not mad about Ǥ ǡ ϐ than its competitors. Bigger, cheaper, and better? It’s the American dream between buns—buns bigger than industry standard, buttered and toasted.

Cozied up against said buns is a sharp,

tangy

mustard—a

underappreciated

serially

Whataburger

condiment by virtue of its counterpart, the famous ketchup—as well as the soft ghost of lettuce, wonky bits of crunchy onion and tomato zombies, basically shitty produce in the way that produce on fast food burgers should be shitty.

The patty is a healthy quarter-pound of beef, a concept that Whataburger actually introduced to the world back in its Corpus Christi salad days. Taken together, a bite into a #1 is sweet (bun), tangy (mustard and onions), beefy (more umami than many) and multi-faceted texturally (different levels of smush). It is pure divinity.

My

personal

favorite,

the

Honey

Barbecue Chicken Strip Sandwich, shows how Whataburger has improved me as a person. Normally, I can’t stomach cheese on hamburgers, but I vividly remember ϐ ǣ

taken the SAT at Churchill High School and felt unconquerable. A friend ordered the novelty (only recently introduced at Ȍǡ ϐ ǡ

threw caution to the wind and took a bite.

The

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Monterey

NOVEMBER 2015

Jack

cheese—

dispensable,

nearly

irrelevant,

nonsensical

alone—is

and

how I mistakenly judged the Monterey

indispensable

Jack by its cover, I took a deep breath

to the bite, the difference between a

and a big bite. The peppers were not

bari sax solo and the bari sax in Bjork’s

as soft as grilled peppers should be—

“Anchor Song.” Without the cheese,

they were sweet enough, but a little too

nothing counters the sweet tang of the

raw. The jalapeno ranch barely came

barbecue sauce. Instantly, I questioned

through, but I imagine its mission was

every longheld belief I ever thought

to mellow more than enf lame, and so

infallible—and this all the result of only

in this case mission accomplished.

one bite. The salty, crunchy chicken

The main interplay between the sweet

fingers turned my tender fingers to

onions, beefy patties and lacto-heavy

atwitter fingers, softened by the sauce

American

and melted cheese, and the thick Texas

the whole thing taste like a Philly

Toast held it all together like a strong,

Cheesesteak. I can see its appeal—I

responsible

really can—but it missed the mark with

dad

(Vin

Diesel

circa

Pacifier).

cheese

basically

made

me. That’s more the result of personal

Finally, the Monterey Melt. I’d never

preferences than a failure of execution

before tried it, because the word “melt”

though, because I imagine it tastes the

usually discourages diners who avoid

way they want it to taste. Which is just

melted cheese (me). But, remembering

like I like it.

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500 DAYS OF SUTTER 1,600 Tacos, 365 Days and One Food Critic by mark stenberg photography by steve dement photography

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Since January 1st, Mike Sutter has eaten more than 1,600 tacos. He’s eaten staple tacos (migas, Veracruz All Natural), exotic tacos (tripitas, El Secreto De La Abuela), boring tacos (fajitas, El Jaclito), fancy tacos (Fried Snapper, Odd Duck), fusion tacos (Banh mi, The Peached Tortilla), innovative tacos (Tako Taco, East Side King), infamous tacos (Don Juan, Juan in a Million) and remarkable tacos (Bean and cheese, El Torito).

Why? For Mr. Sutter, eating all these tacos is a unique and necessary solution to a problem that most people don’t have. As the proprietor of the website fedmanwalking. com, Mr. Sutter needed a way to consistently populate his online domain with fresh content. Restaurant reviews—the bread and butter of food critics—seem like the obvious option, but a fair review of any respectable restaurant demands a sizable ‹Â?˜‡•–Â?‡Â?–ǥ „‘–Š ‘ˆ –‹Â?‡ ƒÂ?† Â?‘Â?‡›Ǥ ”Ǥ —––‡”ǯ• ”‡˜‹‡™ ‘ˆ ƒ ÇĄ ƒ Ď?‹Â?‡nj†‹Â?‹Â?‰ ”‡Â?…Š restaurant in Austin, cost him $800 and six separate visits. More importantly, it took a month and a half to generate just one post. “And one post every six weeks is Internet suicide,â€? Mr. Sutter explains. Because –Š‡”‡ǯ• Â?‘ ™ƒ› ˆ‘” ƒ ™‡„•‹–‡ –‘ Â?ƒ‹Â?–ƒ‹Â? –”ƒˆĎ?‹… ™‹–Š •—…Š •’‘”ƒ†‹… …‘Â?–‡Â?–ǥ ™Šƒ– Š‡

needed was a food that he could eat—and afford to eat—daily. “I’ve drilled deep before,� he explains. “When I rolled out Fed Man Walking in 2011, I ate 115 burgers, and the year after that I did ‘I Can Eat 50 Eggs,’ and for 50 days in a row I ate an egg dish. Then after that I did every single barbecue restaurant in Austin.�

In addition to the practicality of the delicious Mexican foodstuff, there’s also a loftier, ‘sublime and beautiful’ type explanation for Mr. Sutter’s taco walkabout. In Austin, and in Texas generally, tacos are life. They’re affordable, convenient, adaptable microcosms of Texan culture, and Mr. Sutter wanted to give them the exhaustive, informed coverage that Zagat and Buzzfeed’s ‘Top 10 Tacos You Have to Eat in ,� fail to provide. He wanted to do right by the taco. “I set it up with the idea of eating at a different taco place every day for 365 days, and then chronicling 500 tacos,�

Mr. Sutter explains. We were waiting in line at a trailer just off Cesar Chavez called Tacos Guerrero’s. It was a Saturday morning in September, and I was having trouble following his math. “So some days I eat three or four tacos at one place, and then I write about those. ‘ –Š‡ ‘ˆĎ?‹…‹ƒŽ …‘—Â?– ‹• ƒ”‘—Â?† ;ͲͲǥ ‡˜‡Â? though it’s only been 260 days. It was a stupid way to set it up. I should have just said 500 days of tacos.â€? ‹• Â?‡ƒÂ?†‡”‹Â?‰ǥ Â†ÂƒÂ”Â‡ÇŚ ÇŚÂ•ÂƒÂ›ÇŚÂ‹Â?‡ˆĎ?‹…‹‡Â?– path through these 500 tacos means he eats many more than he chronicles, resulting in what taco theologians would call a textbook felix culpa. The logic: since there are way more than 500 taco spots in Austin (surprising, I know, but obvious if you think about it), he gets to pick and choose which he features. This sets up a basic supply and demand situation. Because demand (taco joints) outstrips supply (365 days), the cream of the crop tacos rise to the top. He gets to pick and choose exactly where he wants to go, so each choice is deliberate. That isn’t to say, of course, that he hasn’t kissed his fair share of frogs—he’s eaten some garbage tacos—it’s just that all the kissing has been consensual.

His odd selection process means he chooses restaurants democratically and judges tacos meritocratically—there is no preference, delineation, or partiality toward the candidates.

Authenticity (whatever that means), novelty, price and aesthetic

are all noted, but only noted. The one true criterion, the lodestar by which the Fed Man Walks, is taste and taste alone.

Of course, this means different things for different tacos.

Take, for instance, the bacon and egg taco Mr. Sutter ordered from Tacos Guerrero’s. Its short list of ingredients naturally handicaps its taste potential—a meal comprised of only bacon, egg and tortilla can really only be so good. At the same time however, following a classically French line of reasoning, the paucity of ingredients means that mistakes have nowhere to hide, making the quality and handling of the food transparent. “She cooked this bacon to order,� muses Mr. Sutter, chewing. “She didn’t make it at 6am and set it on the warm side of the grill.

I worked fast food for nine years, and I can recognize a warmedover piece of bacon when I see it.�

The tortillas too, plead their silent case before the judge. After ordering two picadillo and two al pastor, and one of each carnitas, carne asada, bean and cheese, chicharrones, and bacon and egg, Mr. Sutter then asked Yolanda Guerrero en espaĂąol whether or not she made her tortillas by hand.

The proprietress responded (or so I’m told) that she handmakes her corn tortillas, a statement that the mound of †‘—‰Š Â?‡ƒ” Š‡” ‰”‹††Ž‡ …‘””‘„‘”ƒ–‡†Ǥ Š‡ Ď?Ž‘—” Â–Â‘Â”Â–Â‹ÂŽÂŽÂƒÂ•ÇĄ •Š‡ admitted, come from a bag. “It’s like red and white—it’s your preference,â€? he says to me. “The purists will look at you and say, ‘I cant believe you’re getting –Šƒ– ‘Â? Ď?Ž‘—”ǥǯ „—– ‹– †‘‡•Â?ǯ– Â?ƒ––‡” ™Šƒ– ‘–Š‡” ’‡‘’Ž‡ –Š‹Â?Â?Ǥ ‘Â?‡–‹Â?‡• ‹–ǯ• Œ—•– ƒ„‘—– –Š‡ –ƒ…‘Ǥ ‹Â?‡ ƒ Ď?‹•Š Â–ÂƒÂ…Â‘ÇĄ ÇŻÂ? ƒŽ™ƒ›• ‰‘‹Â?‰ –‘ ™ƒÂ?– ƒ Ď?‹•Š –ƒ…‘ ‘Â? …‘”Â? „‡…ƒ—•‡ –Š‡ ‡ƒ”–Š› •™‡‡–Â?॥ offsets the surf, makes it surf and turf.â€?

He had chosen maĂ­z for all the tacos except for the bean and cheese and the picadillo, for which Mr. Sutter considers harina to be the proper vessel. For the sake of context and journalistic accuracy, he makes sure to note whether the tortillas are handmade or store-bought, but he ultimately judges them using

NOVEMBER 2015

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She did make them nice and flexible, though. They didn’t break at the seams when you roll them to eat your taco, so a lot of credit there. his tenure, he had become the paper’s restaurant …”‹–‹…ǥ ƒ Š‹‰ŠŽ› ”‡•’‡…–‡† ƒÂ?† Â?ƒ••‹˜‡Ž› ‹Â?Ď?Ž—‡Â?–‹ƒŽ mouth in the Austin food scene.

But then, in 2011, things changed. The Statesman offered buyout contracts to more than 160 of its employees, Mr. Sutter included. “When they said, ‘We’ll give you a year’s pay with „‡Â?‡Ď?‹–• ƒÂ?† ƒŽŽ ›‘— Šƒ˜‡ –‘ †‘ ‹• ™ƒŽÂ? ÂƒÂ™ÂƒÂ›ÇĄÇŻ –Š‡› didn’t have to hold a gun to my head,â€? he laughs. “It was voluntary. So we bought the contract for my youngest daughter, and it’s going to feel really good twelve years from now when she goes to only the blind tongue of egalitĂŠ. And in fact, at Tacos Guerrero’s, school.â€? –Š‡ ŠƒÂ?†Â?ƒ†‡ …‘”Â? –‘”–‹ŽŽƒ• Ď?Ž‘—Â?†‡”‡†Ǥ But the problem remained: Mike Sutter, master tasteman, was Dz Š‡›ǯ”‡ Â?‘– –‡š–—”‡† ‡Â?‘—‰Š –‘ Â?‡Ǥ Š‡› …ƒÂ?‡ ‘—– ™‹–Š ƒ Ď?Žƒ– out of a job. He tweeted on Thursday, June 23rd, 2011: “Friday’s consistency that you’d expect out of a bag,â€? he says, disappointed. my last day at The Statesman. A buyout too good to pass up. New Dz Š‡ †‹† Â?ƒÂ?‡ –Š‡Â? Â?‹…‡ ƒÂ?† Ď?Ž‡š‹„Ž‡ǥ –Š‘—‰ŠǤ Š‡› †‹†Â?ǯ– „”‡ƒÂ? ƒ– handle: @fedmanwalking. Still hungry. Details TK.â€? the seams when you roll them to eat your taco, so a lot of credit there.â€?

By Monday, if you can believe it, he’d landed an even dreamier Š‡ Ď?Ž‘—” –‘”–‹ŽŽƒ ƒ……‘Â?’ƒÂ?›‹Â?‰ –Š‡ „‡ƒÂ? ƒÂ?† …Š‡‡•‡ǥ ‘Â? –Š‡ dream job. A tech company called RSI, Renaissance Systems Inc., other hand, impressed. offered to expense all his food related costs and pay him to run Dz ‘‘Â? ƒ– –Š‡ ”‡•’‡…– •Š‡ –”‡ƒ–• –Š‡ Ď?Ž‘—” –‘”–‹ŽŽƒ ™‹–ŠȄ•Š‡ his blog. If you’re wondering why a tech company would pay a crisps it up on the grill, gives it color, even a regular out-of-thefood writer to eat tacos, you’re not alone. bag tortilla can taste great. It’s like the puppet that becomes a “It’s hosted on their site,â€? he says. “It’s a way for them to say, real boy when you put it on the grill.â€? ‘We do server hosting, this is one of the things we do,’ and it’s But the humble frijoles y queso had even more up its sleeve. a way of showing community engagement. It still makes no “The beans in the bean and cheese taco crisped up on the business sense to me, but I almost feel like I have a patron.â€? comal like that,â€? he breathed, invigorated, “if I were putting Lest you worry that Mr. Sutter be swayed to favor taco down my Top 5 Bean and Cheese Tacos right now, this would be establishments run by server-hosting corporations, fear not: in there. I’d come back as a civilian for that whether or not I was those do not exist. And even if they did, his ironclad integrity doing this series.â€? would persevere, as his years at The Statesman made the Fed Which begs the question: Why is he doing this series? And Man into a consummate professional. He pays for everything perhaps more importantly, how? (including the tacos for our interview), refuses to take anything First, it’s important to understand that Mike Sutter is no without paying for it (including the gratis Jarritos Yolanda stranger to food or food writing. He worked for the Austin offered), writes his reviews on-site and will only reveal his American Statesman for more than 25 years, starting as a mission and identity to owners after he’s eaten. copy-editor and working his way up the ladder. By the end of His armor of professionalism is a response to his time as a food critic, where for years every restaurant in Austin had A student was reported to campus police by a food service employee who reported –Šƒ– –Š‡ •–—†‡Â?– ™ƒ• •–‡ƒŽ‹Â?‰ ˆ”‘Â? –Š‡ …ƒÂ?’—• Â?ƒ”– ‡˜‡”› †ƒ›Ǥ ˆĎ?‹…‡”• …‘Â?ˆ”‘Â?–‡† a picture of Mike Sutter’s face the student the following day, and sure enough there were several unpurchased taped to their POS systems. When items in his backpack. The student had stolen a blank CD, a Zero Calorie Monster a waiter told a manager that The Rehab drink, a pack of four large condoms, and a laxative. The student admitted to stealing the same items daily for the last 18 days.

Statesman food critic was at table 9, you better believe they tried to

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NOVEMBER 2015

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schmooze the hell out of him. As a result, he tried to remain unrecognizable. When that failed—it always inevitably fails— he became an expert in refusing special treatment.

“Invisibility is the greatest power a food critic can have,” he tells me. But the irony is palpable: for years he tried in vain to remain anonymous, and now his new clientele have no idea who he is. ϐ Ǥ preening allows him to better judge the Ǥ ǡ ǯ ϐ ambiance and fuss a place has, the higher the likelihood is of the food being good.

“I want to see a place whose target customers are already there,” he explains.

“If I roll up to a working class taqueria wagon, and I see white work trucks, guys in painter clothes and mechanics—I’m feeling like I made a pretty good choice.

Because they don’t have a lot of time, they’re probably value-conscious and they’re accustomed to food being authentic.”

And even though hasty—behind short-haired—is the last

ǡ ϐ provide a lot of valuable insight about the tacos he’s about to order.

These Blink moments and gut instincts don’t completely shape his judgments, but they do go a long way in informing them.

Like the taco Rain Man, Mr. Sutter surveys the scene: is that a mocajete on the lip of the trailer? She must have just made the salsa. If there is al pastor on the menu, is there a trompo in the trailer? Are they serving migas? If they are, and they make their own tortillas, then the cut up tortilla strips mixed into the migas will elevate it beyond a lowly staple.

These snap judgments, made just by looking at the menu or even just the trailer itself, shape his opinions and expectations long before he sees a taco. To cut through the sensory overload, Mr. Sutter has developed a system.

“I have a couple of control tacos,” he explains. “One is the bean and cheese, because if they make their own tortillas, that’s what’s going to showcase it the best. I’m also going to get carnitas because it’s kind of a rustic style taco, and if they can pull it off, then you know they’re doing a good job with other things.”

“You also want to see how they treat the potato: is it crispy and brown on the outside, do they treat them like homefries? Or is it just going to be hard and knobby—did they just chop them up and put too much of that nasty grill oil on them? That’s going to show you how they treat the fundamentals.”

Part of his attention to detail stems from the fact that after eating more than 1,600 “research tacos” in a little over ten months, he’s had to really start appreciating the narcissism of Ǥ ǡ ϐ ǣ ǯ

so many ways that you can describe crispy. So when you combine this limited vernacular with eating the exact same food for 365 days, you end up having to get a little demiurgic with your descriptive adjectives.

“As a food writer,” he explains, “I’m not really allowed to use the word delicious, because delicious means something different to every single person. A chef explained it to me when I started doing food writing. He said, ‘You know what the inside of a cigar box smells like, and you know what smoke feels like: bring common experience.’ That’s why I try to ϐ something might taste to them, instead of just how something tastes to me.”

It also means that he’s constantly looking for a lead, something unique about each experience that can shape the story. When he ate at Torchy’s (he’s eating their ‘Taco of the Month’ once a month for twelve months), their taco du mois was ‘Some Like It Hot,’ a series of four tacos, all hotter than the next. He went outside with his tacos, and as soon as he did, an ambulance pulled into the parking lot.

“I thought, ‘This is just like one of those old horror movies where they make you sign a waiver in case you die of fright,’” he laughs.

“Did Torchy’s decide to have an ambulance on hand just in case we fell out from these super hot tacos? That became my lead. You ǯ ϐ Ǥdz And so he doesn’t: Mr. Sutter’s commitment to accuracy and integrity—even more impressive given that he usually dines solo—is refreshing, commendable and, in a nutshell, the way food writing should be. More importantly, it’s entertaining and smart.

So, whether you consider Mr. Sutter and his mission more of a Don Quixote than an Edmund Hillary, it doesn’t really matter. In ǡ ϐ ǡ to drill deep into a tiny niche—and I can think of worse niches than taco journalism. Follow his adventures on fedmanwalking. com, or simply think of him next time you eat a taco—he’ll know.

FA I R & J U N I U S Crafted Bison Sliders 18 Clam Crumble with Artisanal Salt 8 Coffee Bean Hummus, Cracked Naan 11 ϔ ; Sunchoke Custard, Disciplined Farro 10 Folk Kale & Indian Paintbrush 18 Venison & Invigorated Acorn 15

18 |

NOVEMBER 2015

NOVEMBER 2015

| 19

A G O N Z O R E N A I S S A NC E | by kid gonzo • photography by mark stenberg

EDITOR’S NOTE: We sent our writer, Kid Gonzo, to cover the Texas Renaissance Fest in Mission Todd, Texas, but three days after we expected his write-up—a week after the festival’s opening day—we still hadn’t heard from him. After two weeks, we stopped caring about the story altogether and began worrying about the kid’s safety. We reported him missing to the local police, but as of this magazine’s publication, no one has seen Gonzo or been in contact with him. The only proof that he’s alive was an envelope mailed to Study Breaks HQ with this story scribbled in the margins of a book that was missing a page.

We’ve printed it here in full.

20 |

Sometimes, all of life seems caught up in a single drug. I’m nineteen but I feel twenty-two, or at least that’s what the door-guy and I pretend as he hands me back my I.D. As I walk down the dark-carpeted hallway, a middle-aged bouncer scanning tickets looks up at me. His hands stick out of his Dickie’s brand pockets.

“You got a ticket?”

Assuming my eyes are a little red, and maybe a little glazed, I pull out my billfold and divert my ϐ wallet. I shove my hand out into the empty space in between us. His hand isn’t quite quick enough, and as he grabs for the bill, I look up and catch his gaze traveling between my face and the money, like I’ve done this a thousand times before. And he knows— or at least he believes—that I’m the one percent, that the brush of cash as I pull my thumbs across the bills is less than the wallet is worth, that I couldn’t give two shits about losing either of them.

But forget him. I’ve gotten to the end of the ramp and there she is: silken legged and scantily clad, twisting over the pole. The pathetic hoots and hollers join the desolate whistles and middle-class dollars scattered across the edge of the stage. Her eyes move ϐ ǡ the men below the stage in front of her, up just past the shadows into my numb stare.

I guess you could call me a regular, as she hasn’t been here for more than a week and I’ve already seen her twice. The black light underneath the stage casts ϐ stained white undershirt onto my face.

NOVEMBER 2015

I suppose that explains why she doesn’t look at Ǥ ϐ ϐ ǡ untouched amongst the thick currents of lust and ϐ Ǥ my direction as she bends down—the graceful silk of her skin—and picks up my one hundred-dollar thank you.

As she turns around, before she’s even gone far enough to see my face, I’m gone. All she can see is the ϐ ǡ ǡ ϐ Ǧ Ǧ Ǥ Ǥ Ǥ ǡ Ǧ ϐ Ǧϐ away into the echoes of scratchy memory. _________________________________________________ _____________________________________________ “Well good evening, Sire,” pipes Eva as I enter the room.

ǡ ǡ ϐ with a twisted understanding.

“I’d thought you’d forgotten about us,” she says, passing the bottle across her daughter and into my hands.

Stripped of the label, the glass is covered in DayGlo, a royal purple blood red lime green electro pastel ϐ dangling from the bottle’s neck. It’s snatched from Eva’s hands, travels through my vision and lands on the lips of the momentary love of my life—sailing in on a pure breeze of sexuality.

“I’ll have a double Bulleit Bourbon, neat and with a lemon twist,” I say, not breaking my gaze with Eva’s daughter.

NOVEMBER 2015

| 2211

She’s young, beautiful and the sole reason for me rubbing out my cigarette. Entranced immediately, I walk up to her 1973 VW bus and hand her my calling card—a joker reprinted with a cigarette and reflective aviators—love/lost written across the lenses—and tell her to go to the Golden Sow, go to the back, show the card and they would let her in.

“What about the rest of my group?” she asked.

“Well, without them, Renaissance Fest wouldn’t be any fun, would it?” I call out, heading out across the parking lot.

“How do you know where we’re going!?” she yells with her head stuck halfway out the window.

I don’t respond. I can see her face in the swing of the door.

Throwing it into reverse I hit the gas, and with pebbles spraying out across the parking lot, I can only imagine how big her eyes must be. As I rev it down that country road, I know that while I might not remember her face, I’d be seeing it again. ___________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________ ___ “Oh, this is your first time? Are you camping?”

“Uh yeah,” I say, shifting uneasily to the side of the golf-cart.

Eva’s daughter is trying to reach past my zipper. I’m not exactly sober and I’ve lost track of Ivaana, which wouldn’t be a big deal except that she’s got the suitcase.

“Could you take us to campsite 16, maybe 17, I’m not real sure,” I mumble, trying to stay stoic in the backseat. “We’re trying to find Brigadoon Vallahaa, have you heard of them?

Apparently they hang a red and white parachute in the trees.”

Without looking back, Jordan says she has a general idea but doesn’t know exactly. Her dad, a local police officer, is in charge of the festival parking and security, and apparently she’s not allowed into the campgrounds without a police escort.

I sit back, throw my arms along the length of the golf-cart’s white cushions, and continue my delightful conversation.

“Well, shit! If you need a police escort just give me a badge!

I’ve had enough run-ins with the law, I’m sure I can figure it out—just give me the badge!”

Jordan laughs and begins to say something, but I’m so liquored up I don’t even stop.

“I bet your dad has at least a couple funny stories to tell,” I say, expecting her to take the invite and spill the beans.

Instead, she says, “Well, I don’t know about any funny ones, but I know a couple of scary ones.”

As horrible hallucinations run amok in my mind of Ivaana, incoherent and wandering the forest with that suitcase, I ask her just what exactly she means by that.

“Well, I’m not supposed to tell anyone,” she says, “but dope fiends have begun to infiltrate the festival, and my dad’s put together a secret Narc squad this year.”

Cue images of Ivaana, out of her mind hysterical in the hands of the police, accusing me of crimes she remembers and more she’s made up. Paralyzed—the girl next to me feels it too— Jordan pulls the golf-cart along the side of the road, a bonfire visible just past the tree line.

“But don’t worry,” she says. “The Narcs are only looking for the big time guys.”

As she drives off, I turn toward the light of the fire. Looking out across the field, I know somewhere, surrounded by narcs, is a Ukrainian stripper, blitzed out of her mind with a suitcase full of drugs. I sat down on th

______________________________________ Slugging down the remnants of the Day-Glo bottle, Ivaana turns and looks at me as I lean back against the bar—the bartender, busily whispering into my ear, hands me a drink.

Lurching across the room, looking all the world like a drunken crab coming towards me, Ivanna reaches my free ear and begins to mutter gibberish—half English, half whatever part of Ukraine she’s from. I have no idea what she’s saying, but I allow her head to fall against my shoulder—God only knows what was in that bottle.

Mac, the bartender, is still dribbling psychobabble into my ear, but I’ve had enough.

“I need another double,” I say, reaching up behind my head, searching for that grotesque aura only Hunter S. Thompson can provide.

Finding the book, I grab it and flip through the first few pages of Fear & Loathing. Past the bogus introduction and publisher house bullshit, I tear out the first page: “We were on the edge of Barstow when the drugs began to take hold…” Etc. “Yo, Mac,” I say, “you remember that suitcase HST took to Las Vegas?”

“Yeah, the one with the galaxy of Uppers & Downers &…” I cut him off before he can continue.

“Yeah!” I say, lifting myself off the bar as Ivaana attempts to stand on her own. I hand Mac the page torn out of the book.

“Well here’s a list of everything that was in that suit-case, consider it a shopping list.”

As I hand him the paper, he’s shaking his head in that slow ͵ ϐ way I’ve come to understand as gymnasium when another, unknown student, punched him in the eye. The punch his signature. He catches my line caused two cuts around the victim’s eye and swelling. When the victim went downstairs to retrieve ice for his eye, the suspect left the building. The suspect of sight as he scrambles for the was described as a Black male subject approximately 6’ tall and wearing a green door and he’s gone.

Lebron James Cavaliers jersey with matching shorts. _____________________________

22 |

NOVEMBER 2015

NOVEMBER 2015

| 2233

S T UDE N T DE B T | by ali breland

www.motherjones.com carlyforamerica.com www.mstarz.com www.businessinsider.com ϔ Ǥ Ǥ www.washingtonpost.com blogs.reuters.com

24 |

NOVEMBER 2015

STUDENT LOANS AND THE 2016 ELECTIONS Jeff gets into the reputed public school in his state. Jeff gets into even more reputed schools outside of his state.

Then Jeff goes and gets into even more costly private schools, but there Jeff’s parents draw the line: they’re not wealthy enough to front tuition for these expensive out-of-state and private schools. 1 Unfortunately (fortunately), they’re not poor enough to qualify for Pell Grants or other financial assistance either.

Jeff opts for the reputed in-state public school and pays the tuition himself. He works part-time during the year and fulltime in the summer, just like his parents. 2 But even though that’s how they paid off their debt when they were in college, it’s not the summer of ’87 anymore, and Jeff’s part-time wage of a cool $8.25/hour hardly makes a dent in the exploding cost of tuition, rising at almost double the rate of inf lation every year. 3 When Jeff graduates, he’s going to have a lot of student loan debt, and he’s going to spend a long time paying it off.

Jeff isn’t real, but his plight is not only real, it’s increasingly common. Student debt has mushroomed from a low-priority problem, ameliorated by part-time college jobs and a steady post-collegiate salary, to a crushing problem that could handicap the economic opportunity of our generation. 4

In fact, student debt might even be worse than analysts and commentators had thought. Staggering non-repayment rates and defaulted loans plague students, especially the most economically disadvantaged, who are supposed to be the ones being saved from this system by Pell Grants.

Debt is at record levels and will take record amounts of time to pay off, which will cost this generation larger portions of their income than ever before, as well as increase the likelihood that our potential wealth loss will affect future generations.

There is perhaps as much research on student debt as there is student debt. Just kidding, there’s way more student debt: $1.2 trillion distributed amongst 40 million Americans, compared to the 24.5 million search results that come up when you Google “student debt.”

So what’s causing these staggering levels of student debt and hyper-inf lated tuition? 5 5No one knows with certainty why costs have increased so much, least of all this writer, but researchers have some ideas.

Citing higher-education budget cuts is a popular explanation for some educators and administrators. According to them, education budgets have either been slashed or haven’t kept pace with inf lation.

1. This is going to be one of those fancy (read: pretentious) pieces where the author uses footnotes. 2. Hope I don’t abuse the footnotes. 3. Three footnotes in and I’m totally abusing the use of footnotes. Sorry, Mark (he’s the editor). 4. I’m abusing this ish like Leonard Fournette abuses SEC defenses.

5. Don’t ask young, aspiring writers questions more difficult than, “What bar near here has the cheapest happy hour?”

NOVEMBER 2015

| 25

For conservatives, it’s in vogue to blame personal responsibility, the overabundance of Pell-grants that might be mitigating costs for poorer students while driving up costs for everyone else, or just government intervention at large.

A student under the age of 21 was observed stumbling and staggering through Ǥ ϐ ǡ ϐ ϐ Ǥ run when he tripped over a decorative lawn chain, got up, and continued to run before tripping over a second decorative lawn chain. Once stopped, the student admitted to having consumed too much alcohol.

Others fault a more empirically

mitigating student debate might still

get back to debating the ply of toilet

of

get you off. If elected, Clinton plans on

paper in campus bathrooms.10

whose

putting $350 million toward reducing

Sanders’ proposed bill would cover two-

ϐ

student debt and making college more

thirds of the $70 billion annual tuition

increases in student enrollment.

backed

cause:

university

the

proliferation

administration,

affordable. The largest chunk of this

cost (for perspective, that’s roughly 1

These are all, at best, hypotheses.

would be budgeted for enticing states

trillion pesos). But if you work in private

The disconcerting truth is that this is

into increasing their investments in

equity or at a hedge fund, this is bad news:

uncharted territory, and the people who

higher education.

Sanders proposes high taxes on your

are supposed to have answers, have

She would also allocate money to

income bracket to bankroll this subsidy.

guesses. But regardless of your political

provide grants for states that agree to

Some think this is ludicrous, given how

persuasion, student debt is a problem

offer free tuition at two-year community

much intrinsic value private equity and

that needs a solution.

colleges, as well as ones that offer the

hedge funds contribute to society and the

Fear not though, because the student

opportunity to attend a four-year college

economy and the good of mankind.

debt problem (some say crisis, but that

without incurring loans. Overall though,

seems tacky in light of what Syrians and

Clinton takes a relatively moderate tack

Greeks6 are dealing with) has become

compared to her fellow Democratic

a major talking point for the 2016

contenders 8 and her more conservative

347

elections. It helps that 18 –

year olds,

BERNIE SANDERS

all eligible voters and have been a pivotal demographic in the last two presidential

Despite

Bernie

Sanders’

unkempt

elections. This makes the issue of student

appearance and resemblance to your

debt very important to politicians,

racist Uncle Craig, he is indeed a

and both Republican and Democratic

contender for the 2016 Democratic bid.

presidential candidates have all offered

Even though he isn’t traditionally sexy,

ϐ

ϐ ǡ

student debt mess.

taboo in American politics that it borders

This is the part of the piece where I use

on the erotic.

the skills from my real job to break down

His positions on the student loan

each candidate’s position. If you’re fan of

problem are expectedly radical.9 Despite

Lincoln Chaffee, look away.

his racist Uncle Craig aesthetic, a long time ago he convinced the kind people of

T H E DE M O C R AT S

Vermont to elect him to Senate , and this year he helped bring a bill to Congress

HILLARY CLINTON

that would eliminate tuition at public colleges. If that happened, UT Austin’s

Hillary Clinton is the Tom Brady

student government wouldn’t have to

of politics: tall and handsome with

ϐ ϐ

an incredible arm. When you’re not hypnotized and

by

incredible

comprehensive

26 |

her

sparkling

scruff,

her

policy

platform

NOVEMBER 2015

eyes

decently for

CARLY FIORINA

counterparts.

the primary group affected by student debt, also happen to make up a quarter of

THE REPUBLICANS

Carly Fiorina is doing better in the polls than she did as HP’s CEO, where she “destroyed half the wealth of her investors,” and made a series of failed mergers and acquisitions that earned her a VIP spot on the Worst CEO’s of All Time list. Despite being really bad at business, she wants to make the college market place operate more like a business. Go figure.

Fiorina wants the government to have a limited role in the loan process and hope that the free market makes loangiving more competitive, thereby driving Ǥ Ǧ ϐ and higher education is dangerous ǡ ϐ ǡ especially because many argue that government intervention and Pell Grants ϐ Ǥ Reducing the messy interaction between ϐ ǡ but it could also make it worse.

6. The country, not the crisis Texas Pi Phi was going through on Yik-Yak. 7. You! 8. A group that Lincoln Chaffee is not included in because no one cares about him. 9. You can kill me for writing this sentence. If you do, just make sure you burn me at the stake when you do it *fire emoji* *fire emoji* *fire emoji*. 10.

It’s really shitty that they haven’t been able to talk about this for so long.

NOVEMBER 2015

| 27

BEN CARSON

JEB BUSH

As a writer, to maintain credibility

To his credit, Bush seems to have

you have to show restraint and mitigate

a position that isn’t predicated on

personal biases. It’s impossible to do

maintaining ideological appearances—

that here and maintain truthfulness:

he advocates for students taking less

Carson’s plan is dumb.

time to graduate, thereby avoiding

He proposes that students take time

extra tuition fees and incentivizing

off and work for several years to more

colleges

easily afford college, which is extremely

While well meaning and relatively

to

drive

down

costs.

damaging for income inequality. The

uncontroversial, his plan is slightly

middle class and poorer students, who

problematic.

are likelier to have to take those jobs,

Students

T H E D E G R AW Bluebonnet Pate 9

often

take

longer

to

Farfalle Crumble, Rubbed Cactus 19

delay going to school, delay graduating

graduate when they’re working jobs

Assorted Water with Scraped Eggplant 14

and delay reaping the benefits of

to pay for their education. College

Booze 7

higher income jobs that require college

students do a lot of dumb things, but

Salt Peach 7

educations. It shaves off valuable years

messing around and taking extra

of higher-earning years and contributes

semesters when they’re paying their

to the growing wealth gap in America.

way through school isn’t one of them.

Decades ago this may have been

At best, Bush’s plan could help increase

feasible, but the current minimum wage

responsibility and ease debt loads

has a historically low purchasing power.

for students. At worse, status quo is

If you worked a fulltime job at minimum

maintained. His plan is simple, middle of

wage for two years, you’d earn about

the road and boring, just like Jeb.

$30,000 before taxes, assuming your parents covered your other expenses.

DONALD TRUMP

That covers three years’ worth of tuition, assuming you’re paying for an

If Hillary Clinton is Tom Brady, then

average in-state college. If you’re in

Donald Trump is J.J. Watt. All he does is

a state with a bad public college, then

talk shit, obliterate people and win. Even

you’re out of luck.

though a lot of people don’t like him, he’s is

unstoppable. His campaign has been

$22,000 a year, and $30,000 for a

pronounced dead countless times after

private

glaring political blunders, but when the

Average

out-of-state

school,

numbers

tuition which

of

course don’t include books, board or

polls come out, he tops them every time.

living expenses. That’s a lot of money to

Unfortunately, Donnie Trumpet doesn’t

save up when the only jobs you can work

have a hilarious and arrogant position on

are ones that don’t require a college

student loans. He thinks it’s bad that the

education (remember: you’re working

ϐ ǡ

this job so you won’t have to work this

which is closer to a liberal position than

job). In an interview, Carson compared

a conservative one, but he’s always been

college tuition to buying a home:

more of a winner than an ism anyway.

“How did we get into a big problem [with student debt]? Somehow, people

MARCO RUBIO

forgot that you don’t buy a house that costs more the 2 ½ times your annual

Better known as the Prince of Florida,

salary…People have to use their brains.”

Rubio is the Republican party’s wet

Large, expensive homes are a luxury.

dream: a Latino Republican who’s also

Quality education is not.

relatively tough on immigration. Now that Jeb Bush is taking a beating in the

28 |

NOVEMBER 2015

Massasged Kraut Bombs 16 Quickened Oyster & Catsup 11

polls and Scott Walker’s out of the race, Rubio might be the best hope for the Republicans.

Rubio also has a lot of experience with student debt. When he was sworn in as the Prince of Florida Senator of Florida in 2011, he had over $100,000 in loans left to pay (1.6 million pesos). His experience with crushing debt makes him more empathetic to college students than he is to tiny children when playing football. When he was serving as prince senator, he introduced legislation that made payments more accurately reflect payers’ income, opted for more free market policies on loan options (à la Fiorina) and more transparency on the stats of educational institutions.

There are limits to what the candidates can

do.

Federal

policy

can

only

accomplish so much without addressing the more systemic causes of student debt. It can help ease the burden on students and society, but policy makers and colleges have to slow the tuition increases. Cutting costs and increasing fiscal efficiency in higher education is necessary, but how that will be done— that’s the $1.2. trillion question.

NOVEMBER 2015

| 29

T H A NK S GI V ING | by john david white • photo by thetattoobank.com

THANKSGIVING HISTORY X In my last article—the one about music festivals? ‘How to Music Festival?’ It was really funny, I’m sure you read it—I may have described Woodstock as the old and gold festival for blue-blooded Americans.

Well I was wrong. Thanksgiving was the ϐ ǡ to ever take place on American soil, and early Americans didn’t listen to Korn, motherfucker, they ate it.

2408 San Gabriel | 512.479.6911 | THECUTHUTSHOP.COM >> CLIP OUR COUPON IN THE STUDY BREAKS DEALS SECTION <<

NOVEMBER 2015

| 31

So what the hell is Thanksgiving anyway—why do you eat massive quantities of vegan kryptonite at 2:30 in the

had to Google some of this stuff and not just make it up as I went along.

afternoon? Why does the President pardon turkeys but spare

The year is 1492. The scene opens with Christopher Columbus

Edward Snowden? Why is your drunk uncle grabbing at your

sailing the ocean blue. When he arrives, he is greeted by sexy,

mom’s waist?

friendly brown people (not Charlie Brown). He somehow makes

I have no idea. But we spend so much time hearing about race

the connection that he’s in the East Indies, and that these dark-

relations, class warfare and just how downright difficult it is

skinned new friends were from India—hence Indians. He was

for everybody to get along, that I think it’s about time we all

corrected shortly after, but was too ignorant (or drunk) to admit

remembered the true origins of Thanksgiving. Or dare I say—

that all people with darker skin tones weren’t from India. It’s

the true meaning of Thanksgiving? Because if getting along for

important to note that most water went bad on long journeys

365 days is only for Utopian nitwits and hippies, then the least

overseas, so the best way for the Pilgrims to keep hydrated was

we can do is chill out and have some dead bird and red wine

by drinking beer. They even had baby beer with lower alcohol

together once a year. Now pass the stuffing. Heh heh, that’s just

content. Seriously, look it up.

a little Thanksgiving humor for ya.

As time passed, more and more people wanted to come to this

Ever since the 1600s, Thanksgiving’s been about stuffing

new chill place that ol’ Chris kept rambling about. Before long,

your fat face. The only difference is that now we can go to a

Ǧ ϐ ϐ

Chinese restaurant if the neighbor’s dog eats our turkey, but

with whiteys looking to write the original script for the failed

back then if there was a bad harvest, you and everybody you’ve

HBO series How to Make it in America.

ever known and loved was going to die cold and alone in the

ϐ ǡ

impending winter. And I’m talking about rampant starvation in

they realized they didn’t know jack about settling a new land and pretty much stood around with their muskets up their butts waiting to starve. But then, when all seemed

The year is 1492. The scene opens with Christopher Columbus sailing the ocean blue. W hen he arrives, he is greeted by sexy, friendly brown people (not Charlie Brown).

lost, those friendly tan people from before—the

Native

Americans—

came along to save the day. They ϐ ǡ to hunt, how to smoke Mary Jane, and most importantly—how to kick up your moccasins and relax over a good meal. Up until that point, the Pilgrims were only good for putting belts on

a matter of days, not that Game of Thrones tease where winter

hats and pulling their socks up really high.

might come in 5-10 years but nobody really knows. That’s

By November 1621, their Native American neigh-bros had

why harvest parties were so buck back then—you were being

taught them how to put together a bountiful meal for the whole

granted another shot at life, so why not get your Scarlet Letter

settlement, in addition to sharing the timeless Cherokee tradition

on?

of drawing turkeys using one hand as an outline.

Now for the history: Thanksgiving as we know it begins with

From that point on, we’ve used Thanksgiving as a time to forget

a guy named Edward Winslow. He was a pilgrim and is still the

our differences, celebrate life and share with our neighbors. I’m

only quoted eyewitness of the first Thanksgiving at Plymouth

forgetting where no-shave November ties into all this. Something

in 1621. He gave one, pretty vague statement about our

about early Native Americans not having any facial hair. Oh

country’s primordial brunch, and essentially forced historians

yeah, no-shave November is racist and you should be ashamed of

to play a twisted game of telephone and mad-libs for the next

yourself for growing that mustache, bigot. Happy Thanksgiving!

four centuries.

That’s why I’m here to give the real facts: I’ve done the research and I know the truth. It also turns out that the Charlie Brown Thanksgiving special—which was my Plan A all along—is actually pretty weak, so I

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NOVEMBER 2015

Campus police were called after an RA reported a student’s continued use of grapeseed oil in the community shower. The student had been asked to stop pouring the oil on himself as it was bad for plumbing, but the student claimed that he learned in class that this would be a more “natural” way to clean himself. The student was given a more “natural” citation for his oil use.

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NC A A OR NF L? | by will strecker

PATRICK MAHOMES QuarterBack | Whitehouse, TX Height: 6’3” | Weight: 219lbs Sophomore for the Texas Tech Red Raiders

WOULD YOU RATHER: COLLEGE FOOTBALL OR THE NFL? (The answer is College Football) It’s a question that every football fan will have to answer at some point in their life: NCAA or NFL? For me, the answer has always been clear. College football is everything that makes the game great—the fans are passionate, the games are fast paced, exciting and fun, and the players are motivated by all the right reasons. And yes, I know that ultimately this is just an opinion, but isn’t everything technically just an opinion? Before you think too much about what I just said read further into the article.

Look, I’ve included a lot of stats—there’s no way this is just an opinion! This, this is the truth.

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NOVEMBER 2015

I’ll start by dismantling one of pro football’s favorite arguments—that NFL players are more talented—by not contesting the statement at all. It’s true that the talent level in the NFL surpasses that of the NCAA, but that should be obvious: consider the odds of a high school football player making it to the NFL. In high school, there are just under 1.1 million athletes playing football, which means about 310,000 of them are seniors.

In college, there are 70,000 student athletes playing football, but only about 20,000 open freshman roster spots.

So of the 310,000 high school seniors that will graduate, only 20,000 will make it to the NCAA, meaning only 6.5 percent of players make that transition, only 2.5 percent of which are going to Division I schools.

Of these 70,000 college football players, there are about 15,000 seniors. In college, though, it’s not just seniors that get drafted.

The NFL selects 256 players every April, but many of them are juniors, redshirt juniors and redshirt sophomores, meaning that a scant 1.6 percent of college football players make it to the NFL. The percentage, then, of high school players that make it to the NFL is a skinny 0.08 percent, the same likelihood of having an IQ

TONY ROMO QuarterBack | San Diego, CA Height: 6’2” | Weight: 230lbs Dallas Cowboys | 4 time Pro Bowl

ON LY

1.6% OF COL L EGE FOO T BA L L PL AY ER S MAKE IT TO T HE N F L

310,000 HIGH SCHO OL SEN IOR S GR A DUAT E ON LY A BOU T

20,000 OPE N F R E S H M A N ROS T ER SP O T S

T HE C H A NC E S OF: H AV ING A N IQ OF 150

0.08% OF HIGH SCHO OL ER S MAKE IT TO T HE PROS

of 150. In other words, it’s hard to make it to the NFL. All this proves, however, is that pro football players are more talented than their collegiate counterparts, not that they’re any more entertaining. In fact, the preponderance of talent in the NFL actually has a negative effect on the game’s entertainment value. Bear with me.

Take, for instance, the common argument that holds the parity of teams and players in the NFL as a reason for its superiority. Because the NFL is so selective, the reasoning goes, there isn’t much of a difference in talent between players. Most often, the difference between an elite player and an average player in the NFL lies only in the player’s work ethic and football intelligence.

NOVEMBER 2015

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more, the top 30 college teams in the nation all averaged over 6 With such a negligible disparity in talent, the strategic yards a play. By contrast, Pittsburgh led the NFL with only 6.1 yards component of the sport becomes more vital, and the Xâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s and Oâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s per play, while Oakland, last in the league per unspoken mandate, begin to dictate wins and losses. Again, this isnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t necessarily a averaged only 4.5 yards per play. In the NCAA, we donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t see a team Â&#x2030;Â&#x2018;Â&#x2018;Â&#x2020; Â&#x2013;Â&#x160;Â&#x2039;Â?Â&#x2030;Ǥ Â? Â&#x192;Â&#x2DC;Â&#x2021;Â&#x201D;Â&#x192;Â&#x2030;Â&#x2021; Â&#x2C6;Â&#x192;Â? Â&#x2018;Â?Â&#x17D;Â&#x203A; Â&#x2019;Â&#x192;Â&#x203A;Â&#x2022; Â&#x192;Â&#x2013;Â&#x2013;Â&#x2021;Â?Â&#x2013;Â&#x2039;Â&#x2018;Â? Â&#x2013;Â&#x2018; Â&#x2013;Â&#x160;Â&#x2021; Â&#x201E;Â&#x192;Â&#x17D;Â&#x17D; Ď?Â&#x17D;Â&#x203A;Â&#x2039;Â?Â&#x2030; get to Oakland Raiders levels of haplessness (averaging less that 4.5 Â&#x2014;Â&#x2019; Â&#x192;Â?Â&#x2020; Â&#x2020;Â&#x2018;Â&#x2122;Â? Â&#x2013;Â&#x160;Â&#x2021; Ď?Â&#x2039;Â&#x2021;Â&#x17D;Â&#x2020;ÇĄ Â&#x2019;Â&#x17D;Â&#x192;Â&#x203A;Â&#x2021;Â&#x201D;Â&#x2022; Â&#x17D;Â&#x2021;Â&#x192;Â&#x2019;Â&#x2039;Â?Â&#x2030; Â&#x192;Â?Â&#x2020; Â&#x2022;Â&#x2026;Â&#x2018;Â&#x201D;Â&#x2039;Â?Â&#x2030; Â&#x2013;Â&#x2018;Â&#x2014;Â&#x2026;Â&#x160;Â&#x2020;Â&#x2018;Â&#x2122;Â?Â&#x2022;ÇĄ yards per play) until we get to Penn State, ranked 120th out of 128 big tackles and botched extra points: only a small percentage teams. of fans care about the mental game within the game, all the Plus, Wake Forestâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;the Oakland of college footballâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;only Ď?Â&#x2039;Â&#x17D;Â?ÇŚÂ&#x2122;Â&#x192;Â&#x2013;Â&#x2026;Â&#x160;Â&#x2039;Â?Â&#x2030; Â&#x192;Â?Â&#x2020; Â&#x2026;Â&#x160;Â&#x2021;Â&#x2022;Â&#x2022;Â&#x201E;Â&#x2018;Â&#x192;Â&#x201D;Â&#x2020; Â&#x2019;Â&#x2018;Â&#x2022;Â&#x2039;Â&#x2013;Â&#x2039;Â&#x2018;Â?Â&#x2039;Â?Â&#x2030; Â&#x2013;Â&#x160;Â&#x192;Â&#x2013; Â&#x2021;Â&#x161; Â&#x203A;Â&#x192;Â? Â&#x2022;Â&#x2013;Â&#x2039;Â&#x17D;Â&#x17D; averaged 3.0 yards per play, meaning that in college thereâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s a 4.3 considers to be frou-frou magic. Balanced teams theoretically yards per play differential between the nationâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s leading team and make for better, more exciting football, but itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s not so true in the team in last place. In the NFL, that yards per play differential practice. What fans really want is action. They want to see a back is a measly 1.6 yards. This also means that there are 120 college and forth frenzy of explosive plays, not a stalemate between a teams that average as many or more yards per play as all of the NFL wide receiver and cornerback whose skills cancel each other out. teams. That makes for 60 games per weekend (without factoring (â&#x20AC;&#x153;That DB is so dangerous that heâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s never even made a play.â&#x20AC;?) in bye weeks) where we see college teams moving the ball at least Now is when Chris Hardwick would yell out â&#x20AC;&#x153;Points!â&#x20AC;? on his stupid At Midnight show, but câ&#x20AC;&#x2122;mon, I want to see points, you want to see points, everyone wants to see points!

And thus I gracefully sidestep out of your line of BAY L OR L ED T HE NAT ION W I T H vision, focusing your attention with my hands on the NCAA, a league in which the top 44 teams all averaged more points than league-leading New England did last year (Baylor led the nation with W HIL E NE W ENGL A N D AV ER AGED 46.4 points per game while New England averaged 30.4 points). Thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s more than a two-touchdownper-game difference. Â&#x2019;Â&#x160;Â&#x201D;Â&#x192;Â&#x2022;Â&#x2021; Â&#x2013;Â&#x160;Â&#x192;Â&#x2013;Č&#x201E;Â&#x17D;Â&#x2039;Â?Â&#x2021; Â?Â&#x2039;Â&#x2026;Â?Â&#x2021;Â&#x201D;Â&#x2022;ÇĄ Â&#x2030;Â&#x2014;Â?Â&#x2022; Â&#x192;Â?Â&#x2020; Â&#x2020;Â&#x2021;Ď?Â&#x17D;Â&#x192;Â&#x2013;Â&#x2021;Â&#x2020; T H AT â&#x20AC;&#x2122; S MOR E T H A N A footballsâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;gets nonchalantly tossed around the ǧ ǧ ǧ

Ǥ NFL, is that itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s â&#x20AC;&#x153;the last eight minutes of a game that count.â&#x20AC;? In fact, aside from piling up fantasy stats, you could easily say that the last eight minutes of NFL games are all that counts. College football, on Â&#x192;Â&#x2022; Â&#x2021;Â&#x2C6;Ď?Â&#x2039;Â&#x2026;Â&#x2039;Â&#x2021;Â?Â&#x2013;Â&#x17D;Â&#x203A; Â&#x192;Â&#x2022; Â&#x2013;Â&#x160;Â&#x2021;Â&#x203A; Â&#x2020;Â&#x2018; Â&#x2039;Â? Â&#x2013;Â&#x160;Â&#x2021; Ǥ Â&#x160;Â&#x2039;Â&#x2022; Â?Â&#x2018;Â&#x2013; Â&#x2018;Â?Â&#x17D;Â&#x203A; Â?Â&#x192;Â?Â&#x2021;Â&#x2022; Â&#x2C6;Â&#x2018;Â&#x201D; Â&#x201E;Â&#x2021;Â&#x2013;Â&#x2013;Â&#x2021;Â&#x201D; the other hand, precisely because there is such a wide discrepancy in football, but makes for more of it. talent, produces breath-taking and awe-inspiring plays nearly every So yes, professional teams are more balanced, and yes, in any given week at any moment, not just in the last eight minutes. week, any team can lose and any team can win. This adds an element Of course, when a team scores a game-winning touchdown on of unpredictability to the NFL that can be exciting, but at what cost? a Hail Mary as the clock expires (RIP Doug Flutie) or in overtime In the playoffs, no one is surprised when a sixth seed beats a number (which is better in college anyway), itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s even more exciting than one seed, because a balanced league means a dearth of underdogs. when the same thing happens in the pros. This is because there There is no David overcoming Goliath storylineâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;the 2007 Patriots are fewer games in college, four times as many teams and losing went 18-0 and still lostâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;and therefore no opportunity for the elation even one game can completely derail a season. That means that that comes with such an odds-defying win, the kind of ecstasy that every playâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;the big ones includedâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;carries more weight than Â&#x17D;Â&#x2021;Â&#x192;Â&#x2020;Â&#x2022; Â&#x2013;Â&#x160;Â&#x2018;Â&#x2014;Â&#x2022;Â&#x192;Â?Â&#x2020;Â&#x2022; Â&#x2018;Â&#x2C6; Â&#x2022;Â&#x2026;Â&#x201D;Â&#x2021;Â&#x192;Â?Â&#x2039;Â?Â&#x2030; Â&#x2C6;Â&#x192;Â?Â&#x2022; Â&#x2013;Â&#x2018; Â&#x2022;Â&#x2013;Â&#x2018;Â&#x201D;Â? Â&#x2013;Â&#x160;Â&#x2021; Ď?Â&#x2039;Â&#x2021;Â&#x17D;Â&#x2020;ÇĄ Â&#x2019;Â&#x2014;Â&#x17D;Â&#x17D; Â&#x2020;Â&#x2018;Â&#x2122;Â? Â&#x2030;Â&#x2018;Â&#x192;Â&#x17D; their counterparts in the pros. posts and celebrate together, united by their football team.

Donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t get me wrongâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m not saying defense isnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t exciting. But It gets better: across almost all statistical categories, college teams thereâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s something elegant about watching an offense click, gaining have higher averages and a greater statistical discrepancies between Ď?Â&#x2039;Â&#x201D;Â&#x2022;Â&#x2013; Â&#x2020;Â&#x2018;Â&#x2122;Â? Â&#x192;Â&#x2C6;Â&#x2013;Â&#x2021;Â&#x201D; Ď?Â&#x2039;Â&#x201D;Â&#x2022;Â&#x2013; Â&#x2020;Â&#x2018;Â&#x2122;Â? Â&#x2018;Â? Â&#x2013;Â&#x160;Â&#x2021;Â&#x2039;Â&#x201D; Â&#x2122;Â&#x192;Â&#x203A; Â&#x2013;Â&#x2018; Â&#x2013;Â&#x160;Â&#x2021; Â&#x2021;Â?Â&#x2020; Â&#x153;Â&#x2018;Â?Â&#x2021;Ǥ the leading team and the last team. Last year, Baylor led the nation In 2014, Marshall led the NCAA in yards per play with 7.3. Whatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s

46.4 POINTS PER G AME 30.4 POINTS

Two non-students were reported sleeping on different couches Â&#x2039;Â? Â&#x192; ÍľÂ&#x201D;Â&#x2020; Ď?Â&#x17D;Â&#x2018;Â&#x2018;Â&#x201D; Â&#x2022;Â&#x2013;Â&#x2014;Â&#x2020;Â&#x203A; Â&#x17D;Â&#x2018;Â&#x2014;Â?Â&#x2030;Â&#x2021;Ǥ Â&#x2C6;Ď?Â&#x2039;Â&#x2026;Â&#x2021;Â&#x201D;Â&#x2022; Â&#x2C6;Â&#x2018;Â&#x2014;Â?Â&#x2020; Â&#x2013;Â&#x160;Â&#x2021; Â&#x2022;Â&#x2014;Â&#x201E;Â&#x152;Â&#x2021;Â&#x2026;Â&#x2013;Â&#x2022; Â&#x192;Â&#x2022;Â&#x17D;Â&#x2021;Â&#x2021;Â&#x2019; and awakened them. Neither subject had anything to do with the Â&#x2018;Â&#x2013;Â&#x160;Â&#x2021;Â&#x201D; Â&#x2018;Â?Â&#x2021;Ǥ Â&#x160;Â&#x2021; Ď?Â&#x2039;Â&#x201D;Â&#x2022;Â&#x2013; Â&#x2022;Â&#x2014;Â&#x201E;Â&#x152;Â&#x2021;Â&#x2026;Â&#x2013; Â&#x2122;Â&#x192;Â&#x2022; Â&#x2039;Â&#x2022;Â&#x2022;Â&#x2014;Â&#x2021;Â&#x2020; Â&#x192; Â&#x2122;Â&#x201D;Â&#x2039;Â&#x2013;Â&#x2013;Â&#x2021;Â? Â&#x2026;Â&#x201D;Â&#x2039;Â?Â&#x2039;Â?Â&#x192;Â&#x17D; Â&#x2013;Â&#x201D;Â&#x2021;Â&#x2022;Â&#x2019;Â&#x192;Â&#x2022;Â&#x2022; warning and escorted from the building. After the second subject was issued a written criminal trespass warning, she stood up

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Â&#x2013;Â&#x2018; Â&#x17D;Â&#x2021;Â&#x192;Â&#x2DC;Â&#x2021; Â&#x2013;Â&#x160;Â&#x2021; Â&#x192;Â&#x201D;Â&#x2021;Â&#x192;Ǥ Â&#x160;Â&#x192;Â&#x2013;ÇŻÂ&#x2022; Â&#x2122;Â&#x160;Â&#x2021;Â? Â&#x2013;Â&#x160;Â&#x2021; Â&#x2018;Â&#x2C6;Ď?Â&#x2039;Â&#x2026;Â&#x2021;Â&#x201D; Â?Â&#x2018;Â&#x2013;Â&#x2039;Â&#x2026;Â&#x2021;Â&#x2020; Â&#x192; Â?Â&#x2021;Â&#x2013;Â&#x192;Â&#x17D; Â&#x2019;Â&#x2039;Â&#x2019;Â&#x2021; containing burned marijuana residue tucked into one of the couch cushions. When asked about the pipe, the subject exclaimed something along the lines of â&#x20AC;&#x153;Oh, fecal matter!â&#x20AC;? The subject was also found to be in possession of .08 ounces of marijuana, an additional glass pipe and four syringes.

NOVEMBER 2015

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Â&#x2019;Â&#x2018;Â&#x2039;Â?Â&#x2013;Č&#x201E;Â&#x2013;Â&#x160;Â&#x2021; Â&#x17D;Â&#x2021;Â&#x2DC;Â&#x2021;Â&#x17D;Â&#x192;Â?Â&#x2020; Â&#x201D;Â&#x2018;Â&#x2122;Â?Â&#x2022; Â&#x2C6;Â&#x201D;Â&#x2018;Â?Â&#x2013; Â&#x2018;Â&#x2C6;Ď?Â&#x2039;Â&#x2026;Â&#x2021;Ǥ Â&#x2013; Â&#x2039;Â&#x2013;Â&#x2022; Â&#x2026;Â&#x2018;Â&#x201D;Â&#x2021;ÇĄ with 569.9 yards per game, and the next eight teams all averaged over 500 yards. In the NFL however, New this is how the NFL works: owners doing whateverâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Orleans led the league with 411.4 yards per gameâ&#x20AC;&#x201D; necessary to put out the best product possible. Â&#x2022;Â&#x2039;Â&#x2030;Â?Â&#x2039;Ď?Â&#x2039;Â&#x2026;Â&#x192;Â?Â&#x2013;Â&#x17D;Â&#x203A; Â&#x2C6;Â&#x2021;Â&#x2122;Â&#x2021;Â&#x201D; Â&#x2013;Â&#x160;Â&#x192;Â? Â&#x2013;Â&#x160;Â&#x2021; Â&#x2026;Â&#x2018;Â&#x17D;Â&#x17D;Â&#x2021;Â&#x2030;Â&#x2021; Â&#x17D;Â&#x2021;Â&#x192;Â&#x2020;Â&#x2021;Â&#x201D;Â&#x2022;Ǥ Â&#x2018;Â&#x2014;Â&#x2022;Â&#x2013;Â&#x2018;Â?

These decisions all revolve around the owners picking Â&#x2122;Â&#x192;Â&#x2022; Â&#x2013;Â&#x160;Â&#x2021; Ď?Â&#x2039;Â&#x201D;Â&#x2022;Â&#x2013; Â&#x2026;Â&#x2018;Â&#x17D;Â&#x17D;Â&#x2021;Â&#x2030;Â&#x2021; Â&#x2013;Â&#x2021;Â&#x192;Â? Â&#x2013;Â&#x2018; Â&#x192;Â&#x2DC;Â&#x2021;Â&#x201D;Â&#x192;Â&#x2030;Â&#x2021; Â&#x2014;Â?Â&#x2020;Â&#x2021;Â&#x201D; ͜ͳͳ Â&#x203A;Â&#x192;Â&#x201D;Â&#x2020;Â&#x2022; players and coaches objectively in order to produce the last season (410.2) and they were 56th in the nation in best product. In turn, these players and coaches interact offense. with the fans, and so theyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re what we think of when we A big reason for this is that college teams average think of a team. But on the drop of a dime, any decline more plays per game than the NFL (Baylor led the in their ability to perform will lead to their excision nation with 90.3, whereas Philadelphia led the NFL Â&#x2C6;Â&#x201D;Â&#x2018;Â? Â&#x2013;Â&#x160;Â&#x2021; Â&#x2013;Â&#x2021;Â&#x192;Â?Ǥ Â&#x2018;Â?Â&#x201E;Â&#x2039;Â?Â&#x2021; Â&#x2013;Â&#x160;Â&#x2039;Â&#x2022; Ď?Â&#x2039;Â&#x2026;Â?Â&#x17D;Â&#x2021;Â?Â&#x2021;Â&#x2022;Â&#x2022; Â&#x2122;Â&#x2039;Â&#x2013;Â&#x160; Â&#x2013;Â&#x2021;Â&#x192;Â?Â&#x2022;ÇŻ with 70.7), but even this fact says something about the salary caps, and roster turnover keeps the league NFL. Granted, in college, in a state of permanent Â&#x2013;Â&#x160;Â&#x2021; Â&#x2026;Â&#x17D;Â&#x2018;Â&#x2026;Â? Â&#x2022;Â&#x2013;Â&#x2018;Â&#x2019;Â&#x2022; Â&#x2122;Â&#x2039;Â&#x2013;Â&#x160; Â&#x192; Ď?Â&#x2039;Â&#x201D;Â&#x2022;Â&#x2013; impermanence. down until the ball is set Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s a similar story L A S T Y E A R , BAY L OR L ED by the refs, but that doesnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t in college football, but equate to 20 phantom different in critical ways.

T HE N AT ION W I T H plays. And an average The college football NFL game last 3 hours landscape is constantly and 15 minutes, whereas shifting, but for different a college game last about reasons.

Every few 3 hours and 20 minutes, years there are new also not a large enough and exciting players AND THE NEXT EIGHT difference to warrant 20 making waves across the TEAMS ALL AVERAGED OVER extra plays, not to mention country. When the face 150 more yards per game. of the team graduates The bottom line is that or is drafted, thereâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s no fans get more of what they feelings of resentmentâ&#x20AC;&#x201D; want in college football: itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s inevitable that entertainment. everyone who joins the All my arguments team will leave in a few years. And once they leave, leading up to this point have avoided the Roger Goodall thereâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s no animosity or ill will, just a fond memory of in the room, but the seedy underbelly of the Nation their contribution to the legacy of the university.

Football League is an unavoidable topic of conversation Unlike many NFL players, student athletes arenâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t in any comparison of the leagues. Without going into motivated by money. DeMarco Murrayâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;a beacon of Â&#x2018;Â&#x2C6;Â&#x2C6;ÇŚÂ&#x2013;Â&#x160;Â&#x2021;ÇŚĎ?Â&#x2039;Â&#x2021;Â&#x17D;Â&#x2020; Â&#x2022;Â?Â&#x2021;Â&#x17D;Â&#x2021;Â&#x2013;Â&#x2018;Â?Â&#x2022; Â&#x2039;Â? Â&#x2013;Â&#x160;Â&#x2021; ÇŻÂ&#x2022; Â&#x2026;Â&#x17D;Â&#x2018;Â&#x2022;Â&#x2021;Â&#x2013; Č&#x2039;Â&#x2013;Â&#x160;Â&#x2021; Â&#x160;Â&#x192;Â&#x2022; optimism for Cowboyss fans everywhereâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;chose its own Art Briles to deal with), itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s worth noting that ore money in Philadelphia to leave Dallas for more Goodallâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;and the NFL at largeâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;is not only a business, ess than perfect contract after being offered a less but a league of businesses. This fundamentally zation. Money dictates from the Jones organization. differentiates the two leagues. ape, but only certain the entire NFL landscape, Within the NFL, each team is a privately owned, aspects of the NCAA. Â&#x2019;Â&#x201D;Â&#x2018;Ď?Â&#x2039;Â&#x2013;ÇŚÂ&#x2020;Â&#x201D;Â&#x2039;Â&#x2DC;Â&#x2021;Â? Â&#x2026;Â&#x2018;Â?Â&#x2019;Â&#x192;Â?Â&#x203A; Č&#x2039;Â&#x192;Â&#x2022;Â&#x2039;Â&#x2020;Â&#x2021; Â&#x2C6;Â&#x201D;Â&#x2018;Â? Â&#x2013;Â&#x160;Â&#x2021; Â&#x2019;Â&#x2014;Â&#x201E;Â&#x17D;Â&#x2039;Â&#x2026;Â&#x17D;Â&#x203A; Â&#x2018;Â&#x2122;Â?Â&#x2021;Â&#x2020; d it becomes Consider all this and Green Bay Packers, of course). Each player and coach on clear that college football a team is an asset to that team, helping achieve the goal has an edge over thee NFL. of bringing in more money for the team by doing his Football fans get moree bang best to improve the teamâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;each team being the NFLâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s y donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t for their buck, and they product. re part have to feel like theyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re If at any point that asset (player or coach) turns from of a corrupt system to enjoy boon to bane, it must be replaced with a better asset. titutions the sport. Both institutions General Managers are the automatons responsible for have their faults, but the making these personnel moves in hopes of optimizing college system stays truer to their product, but like the executionerâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s executioner,

569.9 YARDS PER G AME, 500 YARDS.

not even the GM is safe from being replaced. Case in

38 |

NOVEMBER 2015

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C A MP U S S H O O T IN G S | by alison miller

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NOVEMBER 2015

A scene f o l l ow i n g t he shoot ing at Umpqua C o m mu n i t y College in Roseburg , Oregon Mike Sullivan, Roseburg NewsReview via Associated Press

WHAT WILL IT TAKE TO STOP CAMPUS SHOOTINGS? My mom and two younger sisters and I have a group text.

We use it to share exciting news, make announcements and show one another the most recent chicken memes we’ve found.

On October 5th, I messaged our group text telling my sisters that they might want to skip their classes at UT Austin and St. Edward’s University the following day. A post had been discovered on 4chan, a notoriously sketchy website, warning students in Austin to stay home from school on Tuesday. The anonymous post was almost identical to the one that was posted the previous week, the day before Christopher Harper-Mercer ϐ ǡ nine people and wounding nine more.

No gun-related violence ended up taking place on any of the Austin campuses on Tuesday. It’s possible that the threat was a hoax to begin with, fabricated, as my sister put it, by “some idiot with a nasty test.” More worrisomely, perhaps the threat was real, and the potential shooter backed down when he realized that the police had been alerted to the post by other Internet users.

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A woman wait s to hear about h e r s i s t e r, a t e a c h e r, f o l l ow i n g a shoot ing at t he S a n d y Ho o k Element ar y School in Ne w t ow n , C o n n AP Photo Jessica Hill

n the fall of 2010, only a couple of months into my freshman year of college at the University of Texas at Austin, a gunman with Â&#x192;Â? nj͚͜ Â&#x2018;Â&#x2019;Â&#x2021;Â?Â&#x2021;Â&#x2020; Ď?Â&#x2039;Â&#x201D;Â&#x2021; Â?Â&#x2021;Â&#x192;Â&#x201D; Â&#x2013;Â&#x160;Â&#x2021; PCL, UTâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s main library. Students and pedestrians scattered. The gunman made his way to the Â&#x2022;Â&#x2039;Â&#x161;Â&#x2013;Â&#x160; Ď?Â&#x17D;Â&#x2018;Â&#x2018;Â&#x201D; Â&#x2018;Â&#x2C6; Â&#x2013;Â&#x160;Â&#x2021; ÇĄ Â&#x2122;Â&#x160;Â&#x2021;Â&#x201D;Â&#x2021; Â&#x160;Â&#x2021; committed suicide. Thankfully, no one else was injured. A mere block away, I and the rest of my 8:00 a.m. Â&#x192;Â&#x17D;Â&#x2026;Â&#x2014;Â&#x17D;Â&#x2014;Â&#x2022; Â&#x2026;Â&#x17D;Â&#x192;Â&#x2022;Â&#x2022; Â&#x2026;Â&#x2018;Â&#x2122;Â&#x2021;Â&#x201D;Â&#x2021;Â&#x2020; Â&#x2018;Â? Â&#x2013;Â&#x160;Â&#x2021; Ď?Â&#x17D;Â&#x2018;Â&#x2018;Â&#x201D; Â&#x2018;Â&#x2C6; Â&#x2013;Â&#x160;Â&#x2021; teachersâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; lounge in the Classics building.

It remains one of the most surreal experiences of my life.

What I remember most, more vividly than even the fear that permeated the Â&#x201D;Â&#x2018;Â&#x2018;Â? Â&#x2014;Â?Â&#x2013;Â&#x2039;Â&#x17D; Â&#x2019;Â&#x2018;Â&#x17D;Â&#x2039;Â&#x2026;Â&#x2021; Â&#x2018;Â&#x2C6;Ď?Â&#x2039;Â&#x2026;Â&#x2021;Â&#x201D;Â&#x2022; Â&#x192;Â&#x201D;Â&#x201D;Â&#x2039;Â&#x2DC;Â&#x2021;Â&#x2020; Â&#x2013;Â&#x2018; give us the all-clear, was the sensation of abject helplessness that I felt when I realized that control of my life was completely out of my hands. I think that on a much larger scale, the entire nation is beginning to understand this feeling: itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s starting to feel like school shootings are snowballing, gathering momentum, becoming unstoppable.

The names of certain schools now have a permanently morbid connotation, each syllable falling like a bell tolling: Sandy Hook. Virginia Tech. Columbine. And now: Umpqua Community College. And the truly tragic thing is, those are only

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the big shootings, the ones large enough to make national news.

Countless other shootings in which only one or two people are injuredâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;like the one at Texas Southern University on October 9thâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;take place on a nearly weekly basis across the country. Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s enough to put anyone on edge, knowing that if the quiet guy who sits by himself in Anthropology were to suddenly whip out a pistol, youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;d be powerless to stop him.

Each shooting is followed by a more or less predictable chain of events: the President sends his condolences and expresses support for the affected community. Liberals insist on stricter gun control laws, limited access to guns for dangerous individuals and the elimination of campus carry privileges.

Conservatives retaliate, saying that gun ownership and campus carry enable citizens to defend themselves against shooters. At some point, itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s discovered that the shooter in question had a history

of mental illness, and then a third group clamors for the complete overhaul of our mental health care system. Ad nauseam. The fact that something needs to be done is more or less a foregone conclusion. Figuring out exactly what that â&#x20AC;&#x153;somethingâ&#x20AC;? is, however, is a much more complicated matter.

I started shooting guns when I was 10 years old. By 12, I shot regularly Â&#x192;Â&#x2013; Â&#x2022;Â?Â&#x2021;Â&#x2021;Â&#x2013; Â&#x192;Â?Â&#x2020; Â&#x201D;Â&#x2039;Ď?Â&#x17D;Â&#x2021; Â&#x201D;Â&#x192;Â?Â&#x2030;Â&#x2021;Â&#x2022; Â&#x2122;Â&#x2039;Â&#x2013;Â&#x160; Â?Â&#x203A; Â&#x2020;Â&#x192;Â&#x2020;Ǥ Between the ages of 12 and 22, I took two huntersâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; safety courses and one handgun Â&#x2019;Â&#x201D;Â&#x2018;Ď?Â&#x2039;Â&#x2026;Â&#x2039;Â&#x2021;Â?Â&#x2026;Â&#x203A; Â&#x2026;Â&#x2018;Â&#x2014;Â&#x201D;Â&#x2022;Â&#x2021;Ǥ Â&#x2022; Â&#x192; Â&#x2026;Â&#x160;Â&#x2039;Â&#x17D;Â&#x2020;ÇĄ Â&#x2122;Â&#x192;Â&#x2013;Â&#x2026;Â&#x160;Â&#x2021;Â&#x2020; Â&#x2039;Â? Â&#x2022;Â&#x2039;Â&#x17D;Â&#x2021;Â?Â&#x2013; Â&#x2021;Â&#x161;Â&#x2026;Â&#x2039;Â&#x2013;Â&#x2021;Â?Â&#x2021;Â?Â&#x2013;ÇĄ Â?Â&#x203A; Ď?Â&#x2039;Â?Â&#x2030;Â&#x2021;Â&#x201D;Â&#x2022; Â&#x2022;Â&#x2013;Â&#x2014;Â&#x2C6;Â&#x2C6;Â&#x2021;Â&#x2020; Â&#x2039;Â? my ears, as my father leaned out a window of our two-story house once a year and shot a white-tail deer on the other side of the fence. He would string the deer up by the hind legs on the same tree that my sisters and I used for climbing, and gut it into the garbage bag spread below. Â&#x160;Â&#x2021;Â? Â&#x160;Â&#x2021; Â&#x2019;Â&#x2014;Â&#x2013; Â?Â&#x203A; Ď?Â&#x2039;Â&#x201D;Â&#x2022;Â&#x2013; Â&#x2030;Â&#x2014;Â? Â&#x2039;Â? Â?Â&#x203A; Â&#x160;Â&#x192;Â?Â&#x2020;Â&#x2022; (a plastic Grizzly BB gun), he told me

NOVEMBER 2015

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sternly that I should never point my gun at anything I wasn’t prepared to shoot,

ϐ

ϐ ǡ

ϐ

planned on killing something. I shot a hole in the living room window and had my gun privileges revoked for weeks. ϐ

small, 20-gauge Remington shotgun. I remember, very clearly, the electrifying thrill of mingled fear and power as I realized that right then, if I wanted to, I could kill someone. It was such a morbid, terrifying thought that it nearly nauseated me. I clutched the gun tighter in now-sweaty hands and pointed it very determinedly at the sky. The feeling has never gone away.

Though still terrifying, in time, I have learned to acknowledge it for what it is: a sign of healthy respect for the immense amount of power that guns confer. nce an unquestioned, seemingly integral part of the American Constitution, the 2nd Amendment—the right to bear arms—has ϐ last several years as the death toll from school shootings climbs higher.

The problem is that even the people who agree that the 2nd Amendment needs revision have a hard time reaching a consensus on exactly how that should be done. Some are of the extreme opinion that the 2nd Amendment as a whole is obsolete and should be stricken from the Constitution. Others maintain that the 2nd Amendment, though still relevant, bears updating. As one anonymous Tumblr user put it, “The 2nd Amendment was intended to help keep bears and the British off of early colonists’ land.

Neither of those are relevant threats anymore.” People are quick to point out that most European countries, which enforce stricter gun control laws, have lower rates of school shootings than America.

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It’s probably safe to assume that the US government will never succeed in eradicating gun ownership completely.

In Texas especially, even the suggestion of asking residents to surrender their ϐ Lone Star State to make good on its threats of secession. Other less extreme options involve restricting the eligibility of gun ownership or instituting a registration system for gun owners. In some European countries, prospective gun owners are required to obtain a ϐ Ȅ ϐ ϐ (handgun permits vs. hunting permits).

Eligibility for ownership is restricted on the basis of the applicant’s ability

prevented from purchasing a gun from a licensed dealer doesn’t stop individuals from buying privately in under-the-table sales or black markets.

A gun, in the American psyche, is more than a utility item. They exist as tools, as weapons, as toys, yes, but more than that, they exist as a symbol of all the things America loves about itself. The early colonists won their independence from Britain with the same muskets they used for hunting and supporting themselves in the frontier. The right to keep and carry guns is psychologically and symbolically linked with resistance to oppression and self-reliance, making gun rights an ideological rather than practical issue.

As a result, the never-ending tug-ofwar between knowing that something needs to be done and feeling unable to do

“Firearm bans in high population urban areas,” said Bolster. “No guns on college campuses. [On college campuses] you’ve got an environment with an enormously dense population of individuals with high stress rates, high rates of mental illness onset… high rates of drug and alcohol abuse and high rates of suicide.

Adding guns to the mix is a terrible, terrible, idea.” to pass a variety of tests, including background checks, psychiatric evaluations, safe storage requirements and, in some cases, proof of a valid reason for gun ownership. If and when an ϐ ǡ be required to register it under his/her name in a national database, or take a governmentally approved safety course.

Though some US states have enacted background checks and eligibility restrictions that bar those with mental illness or extensive criminal records from purchasing guns, the restrictions are less comprehensive and inadequately enforced compared to their European counterparts.

Moreover, even being

anything—the debate in a nutshell—has left ex-Marine Cory Ramos, like so many others our age, exasperated and cynical.

“We are a violent, gun-worshipping culture as a nation, and that’s not bad, so long as proper safety guidelines are met,” said Ramos. “But let’s be real, as a culture we are rash, impulsive and rarely levelheaded, and on an individual level we are numb to the impact of how destructive our actions can become.”

“I’m in favor of at least attempting to strive for a gun free state, but [giving up] ‘certain elements of your personal freedom’ can have huge implications.

So it really depends on what individuals will have to give up and what they will be receiving in return.”

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S t r a p ‘e m I f Yo u G o t ‘e m : Te x a s S e t t o A llow Guns on Campuses and Open Carr y VICE News

he issue boils down to an ideological trade-off: how much personal liberty (in the form of access to guns) are you willing to exchange for a higher degree of assurance that the guy sitting across from you in the student center isn’t hiding a gun in his duffel bag.

suicide. Adding guns to the mix is a terrible, terrible, idea.”

He lives in the city, and knows that his proposal would mean his own access to firearms would be restricted.

“I am willing to sacrifice elements of my personal freedom for [a greater degree of restriction on guns],” he said calmly.

Personally, I know I’d happily suffer through stiffer

Given our obsessive love affair with individual

background checks, more rigorous psychiatric evaluations and

rights of all stripes and sizes, even the thought of

state-mandated educational courses if it meant that I never had

an America with anything less than completely

to text my sisters to not go to school the next day.

unrestricted access to our guns seems borderline blasphemous.

It’s easy to let your eyes glaze over when conversations turns

Kenny Bolster, a graduate student at USC, shared a

political, to trust that “Washington” (a plural collective noun)

perspective I’d never heard. He mentioned increasing the

will figure it out—but the end to this issue can start on college

stringency of background checks and limiting the lethality of

campuses. The next Presidential election is a year away, and we

legal weapons, as well as restricting where guns can be used.

need to take a hard stand on one of the only issues that affects

“Firearm bans in high population urban areas,” said Bolster.

students more than anyone else—we’re the ones on campus,

“No guns on college campuses. [On college campuses] you’ve

not the rest of the country—whose opinion could possibly

got an environment with an enormously dense population of

be more relevant when talking about campus shootings than

individuals with high stress rates, high rates of mental illness

ours? It’s time for everyone to ask themselves what exactly

onset…high rates of drug and alcohol abuse and high rates of

they’re willing to sacrifice for safety.

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T HE S T Y L IS T ’ S NO T E S | by karinna lopez • clothes by buffalo exchange • photos by steven dement photography

S p a r k l e Te x t T- S h i r t

KARINNA LOPEZ

$12.90

Study Breaks Stylist

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So, I’ve come up with some easy-to-follow looks that anyone can be inspired by, without having to spend a lot of money.

MO T O Wa s h e d B l a c k We s t e r n Jacket

One thing I want to point out is that being “stylish” isn’t about having the

$75.00

perfect pieces; it’s

topshop.com

about how you put them together. We all have items in our closet that have the potential to be stylish when paired with a third item of clothing.

By simply pairing a tee and jeans with a jacket, it can make a big transformation to your overall look.

Accessories are major (and easy) when it comes to layering— adding personality as well as uniqueness.

The following outfits

M I DN IG H T Leat her ZipBack Boot s $140.00 topshop.com

weren’t meant to be groundbreaking looks, but instead serve as inspiration for easy layering, allowing you to be cozy when the temperature drops.

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A SOS Boot s in Brow n Leat her w it h Fau x S h e a r l i n g L i n i n g $90.00 asos .com

A SOS Longline Shir t In Long Sleeve Wit h Plaid Check $45.00 asos .com

C P O S t r i p e d Wo o l S w e a t e r $69.00 urbanoutf it ters .com

Pant s Super Sk inny f it $24.95 hm.com

M V M T C l a s s i c L e a t h e r Wa t c h $95.00 urbanoutf it ters .com

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B ox y C r e p e Romper $17.99

C a m e l/ B l a c k Shor t Sleeve Casual Check Shirt

forever21.com

$55.00 om topman.com

C o n t e mp o r a r y F u z z y K n i t To p $19.80 forever21.com

Adidas Or ig ina ls Superst ar Snea ker $80 urbanoutf it ters .com

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Fuzz y Popcor n K nit Jacket $34.90 forever21.com

Orelia Mini Crystal Shard Ne c k l a c e $23.00 asos .com

Selec ted Hom m e B r ow n Shirt WA S $85.00 topman.com

R a i n s Wa t e rproof Long Jacket $161.00 asos .com

NOVEMBER 2015

| 5511

A CL F E S T I VA L | by mark stenberg

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A C L F E S T V I A L | by mark stenberg • photos by kaleb freund & charles bass

T HE F E S T T H AT W OUL DN ’ T DIE W h y AC L W i l l O u t l a s t U s A l l

In 2013, when my brother was featured on a street style website for twirling his moustache and wearing a cat tank top with a psychedelic background, I was pretty sure ACL was done.

In 2014, when I saw a sixty-year old husband and wife with their backs to a Real ϐ Ǧ ǡ

dead on the spot. ǡ ǯ ϐ to watch Misterwives, a part of me died as I watched security loiter below, haplessly waiting for the perp to descend.

But it wasn’t until I went to the Koa show this year and saw a greasy, skinny, longhaired adolescent standing in the front row, eyes glued to his phone, sporting a VIP wristband, ǡ ϐ ǣ ǯ any longer, I was too tired, I gave up.

‘That’s it,’ I thought, ‘this has to break ACL.’

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But, remarkably, it didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t. And more remarkablyâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;it never does. ACL, the fest more reliable than Old Faithful, sturdier than Babe the Blue Ox, always manages to hold on. I shouldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t be surprised, though.

ACL has proven that for them there is no unweatherable storm, no unjumpable hurdle, no fortune unendurable. It survived the Aughts, itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll survive the Tweenies, then the Twirties, and then itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll keep right on surviving all the way through the reign of the Chinese Drone Overlords, past Harold Camping and the cockroaches, long after global warming has deep-fat fried the rest of humanity in its own hubris. ACL will be there, waiting, indestructible. It will live forever.

Well, maybe. I shouldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t throw â&#x20AC;&#x153;indestructibleâ&#x20AC;? around so easily.

I used to think Volkswagen was indestructibleâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;The car of people,â&#x20AC;&#x2122; I said, â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;Look at the gas mileage,â&#x20AC;&#x2122; I saidâ&#x20AC;&#x201D; and before that Blue Bell, and before that Blockbuster, and before that UPS, Detroit, American football and the public education system. Nothing is completely invulnerable because everything has at least one ineradicable, equally capable mortal enemyâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;itself.

It is, then, entirely feasible for some cataclysmic PR faux pas to sink ACL like a musical Atlantis into cultural oblivion.

Perhaps the millions of dollars that ACL has generated for the Austin economy have actually been secretly making their way into the pockets of the cigarette industryâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;the ACL no smoking policy merely a convincing ruse. Or maybe all Â&#x2013;Â&#x160;Â&#x2018;Â&#x2022;Â&#x2021; Â&#x2030;Â&#x201D;Â&#x2021;Â&#x2021;Â? Â&#x201E;Â&#x192;Â&#x2030;Â&#x2022; Â&#x2013;Â&#x160;Â&#x192;Â&#x2013; Â&#x2013;Â&#x160;Â&#x2021; Â&#x2013;Â&#x201D;Â&#x192;Â&#x2022;Â&#x160; Â&#x2014;Â&#x201D;Â&#x2026;Â&#x160;Â&#x2039;Â?Â&#x2022; Ď?Â&#x2039;Â&#x17D;Â&#x17D; Â&#x2122;Â&#x2039;Â&#x2013;Â&#x160; Â&#x160;Â&#x192;Â&#x17D;Â&#x2C6;ÇŚÂ&#x2C6;Â&#x2014;Â&#x17D;Â&#x17D; Â&#x2026;Â&#x192;Â?Â&#x2022; that they pluck from your hands arenâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t recycled at all, but burnt Â&#x2039;Â? Â&#x192; Â&#x2020;Â&#x2014;Â?Â&#x2019;Â&#x2022;Â&#x2013;Â&#x2021;Â&#x201D; Ď?Â&#x2039;Â&#x201D;Â&#x2021; Â&#x2013;Â&#x2018; Â&#x160;Â&#x2021;Â&#x192;Â&#x2013; Â&#x192;Â?Â&#x2020; Â&#x2026;Â&#x2018;Â&#x2018;Â&#x17D; Â&#x2013;Â&#x160;Â&#x2021; Â&#x192;Â&#x201D;Â&#x2013;Â&#x2039;Â&#x2022;Â&#x2013;Â&#x2022;ÇŻ Â&#x192;Â&#x2026;Â&#x2014;Â&#x153;Â&#x153;Â&#x2039;Â&#x2022;Ǥ For now though, ACL appears squeaky clean, generating over $10 million dollars for Austinâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s parks, among other philanthropic endeavors. It would appear that aside from a self-induced fuck up of massive proportions, ACL is untouchable. Â&#x160;Â&#x203A;ÇŤ Â&#x2021;Â&#x2026;Â&#x192;Â&#x2014;Â&#x2022;Â&#x2021; Â&#x2014;Â?Â&#x17D;Â&#x2039;Â?Â&#x2021; Â&#x2018;Â&#x2013;Â&#x160;Â&#x2021;Â&#x201D; Â&#x2C6;Â&#x2021;Â&#x2022;Â&#x2013;Â&#x2039;Â&#x2DC;Â&#x192;Â&#x17D;Â&#x2022;ÇĄ Ď?Â&#x2039;Â?Â&#x2020;Â&#x2022; Â&#x2039;Â&#x2013;Â&#x2022; Â&#x2022;Â&#x192;Â&#x2C6;Â&#x2021;Â&#x2013;Â&#x203A; Â&#x2039;Â? Â&#x2039;Â&#x2013;Â&#x2022; inclusivity. It has worked hard to be the ablative case of music festivalsâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;the catch-all, the drag net, the all things to all people fest. If ACL were in high school, the sportos, motorheads, geeks, sluts, bloods, wastoids, dweebies, and dickheads would all think heâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s a righteous dude.

And lest you think Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m disparaging ACL for its accessibility, quite the opposite. In poker if youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re dealt the best hand, the best thing you can do is play it intelligently, somewhat cautiously, and then win the roundâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;less is more. Thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s exactly what ACL does:

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they were gifted, through circumstances I will soon explain, with the most marketable mission statement possible, needing nothing more or less to enjoy success than to be Austin City Limits Music Fest.

But what does that mean? Enter, history. The festival was originally conceived as an extension of Austin City Limitsâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;the public television programâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;and brought together by KLRU and Â&#x192;Â&#x2019;Â&#x2039;Â&#x2013;Â&#x192;Â&#x17D; Â&#x2019;Â&#x2018;Â&#x201D;Â&#x2013;Â&#x2022; Â?Â&#x2013;Â&#x2021;Â&#x201D;Â&#x2013;Â&#x192;Â&#x2039;Â?Â?Â&#x2021;Â?Â&#x2013; Č&#x2039; Č&#x152;Ǥ Â&#x160;Â&#x2021; Ď?Â&#x2039;Â&#x201D;Â&#x2022;Â&#x2013; Â&#x203A;Â&#x2021;Â&#x192;Â&#x201D; Â&#x2018;Â&#x2C6; Â&#x2013;Â&#x160;Â&#x2021; Â&#x2C6;Â&#x2021;Â&#x2022;Â&#x2013; Â&#x2122;Â&#x192;Â&#x2022; in 2002, and it enjoyed immediate success, largely because of the brand recognition that Austin City Limits had been fostering since its inception in 1976.

Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s hard to imagine, but in 2002 there werenâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t many music festivals nationwide. Outside of Glastonbury, Roskilde, and the Isle of Wight Festivals in Europe, the only major American music festivals at the time were Seattleâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Bumbershoot, Indioâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Coachella, Los Angelesâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; Electric Daisy Carnival (still small then) and Lollapalooza, which had been around as a touring festival since 1991. It wasnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t until the turn of millennium that the phenomenon of large gatherings of stoned adolescents pretending to be there for the music really started percolating.

As a result of the 2002 marketâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s lack of fest saturation,

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there was no pressure shoehorning ACL into a niche. It had the opportunity to be whatever festival it wanted to be and still succeed. That, combined with the cultural weight of Austin and its early-to-the-party status, allowed the festival to grow into itself organically. It never had toâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;and still hasnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t had toâ&#x20AC;&#x201D; relegate itself to any one genre, ideology, class or event to have an identity.

It also helped that the festival sprung from the bosom of Austin City Limits, a music series with a solid job, good credit score, impressive rental history and loving family, which appealed to

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both music snobs and amateur listeners alike. It didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t spontaneously autogenerate from the minds of money-grubbing focus groupers hell-bent on suckering dopey Austinites and their insatiable love for live music. It came from an institution that genuinely cared about music, vanguarded it even, and conceived the festival as a way of sharing the light with a larger group of people.

And then of course, this all took place in Austin, the live music capital of the world. As Xzibit would put it, â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;I heard you liked live music, so we put a live music inside your live music.â&#x20AC;&#x2122; This metaappeal, this musical dunk â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;nâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; dip, is all ACL ever needed to thrive: OG status, Austin location, authentic rootsâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s a recipe more valuable than Coca-Colaâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s.

Inevitably, other music festivals began popping up around ACL, but theyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve always had to prove their Â&#x2DC;Â&#x192;Â&#x17D;Â&#x2014;Â&#x2021; Â&#x2039;Â? Â&#x201D;Â&#x2021;Â&#x17D;Â&#x192;Â&#x2013;Â&#x2039;Â&#x2018;Â? Â&#x2013;Â&#x2018; ÇĄ Â&#x17D;Â&#x2039;Â?Â&#x2021; Â&#x160;Â&#x2018;Â&#x2122; Â&#x2013;Â&#x160;Â&#x2021; Â&#x2030;Â&#x2030;Â&#x2039;Â&#x2021; Ď?Â&#x2039;Â&#x2030;Â&#x160;Â&#x2013; Â&#x2022;Â&#x2018;Â?Â&#x2030; Â&#x2039;Â&#x2022; Â&#x192;Â&#x2026;Â&#x2013;Â&#x2014;Â&#x192;Â&#x17D;Â&#x17D;Â&#x203A; about UT. You couldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t just have another ACLâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;no one would pay for the same experience twice, and if they had to choose theyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;d have chosen ACL. As a result, other festivals have had to niche up Â&#x2013;Â&#x160;Â&#x2021;Â&#x2039;Â&#x201D; Â&#x2018;Â&#x2019;Â&#x2021;Â&#x201D;Â&#x192;Â&#x2013;Â&#x2039;Â&#x2018;Â?Â&#x2022; Â&#x2013;Â&#x2018; Â&#x2030;Â&#x2021;Â?Â&#x2021;Â&#x201D;Â&#x192;Â&#x2013;Â&#x2021; Â&#x192;Â? Â&#x192;Â&#x2019;Â&#x2019;Â&#x2021;Â&#x192;Â&#x17D; Â&#x2013;Â&#x160;Â&#x192;Â&#x2013; Â&#x152;Â&#x2014;Â&#x2022;Â&#x2013;Â&#x2039;Ď?Â&#x2039;Â&#x2021;Â&#x2022; Â&#x2C6;Â&#x2018;Â&#x201D;Â?Â&#x2039;Â?Â&#x2030; Â&#x2018;Â&#x2DC;Â&#x2021;Â&#x201D; the lovely bones that these events cost.

This is good for consumers, because choice is power. There are now more hip, more druggy, more alternative, more local, more metallic, more river-based, more rappy and more authentic festivals than ACLâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;and theyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re all great. I attend many of them, because they all offer unique experiences. But, in order to survive, they all have to stay in their box, not to mention be the coolest thing in their box. This means that their target demographicâ&#x20AC;&#x201D; Â&#x17D;Â&#x2039;Â?Â&#x2039;Â&#x2013;Â&#x2021;Â&#x2020; Â&#x2C6;Â&#x201D;Â&#x2018;Â? Â&#x2013;Â&#x160;Â&#x2021; Â&#x2018;Â&#x2014;Â&#x2013;Â&#x2022;Â&#x2021;Â&#x2013;Č&#x201E;Â&#x2122;Â&#x2039;Â&#x17D;Â&#x17D; Â&#x192;Â&#x17D;Â&#x2122;Â&#x192;Â&#x203A;Â&#x2022; Â&#x201D;Â&#x2021;Â?Â&#x192;Â&#x2039;Â? Ď?Â&#x2039;Â&#x161;Â&#x2021;Â&#x2020;Ǥ Which means for ACL, there are no usurpers. They are the archetypal fest, the foundational fest, the father fest. Theyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve built their identity on an unquestionable foundation: they called dibs. Â&#x2018;Â&#x2013; Â&#x2018;Â?Â&#x17D;Â&#x203A; Â&#x2026;Â&#x192;Â? Â&#x2013;Â&#x160;Â&#x192;Â&#x2013; Â?Â&#x2021;Â&#x2DC;Â&#x2021;Â&#x201D; Â&#x201E;Â&#x2021; Â&#x2013;Â&#x192;Â?Â&#x2021;Â? Â&#x192;Â&#x2122;Â&#x192;Â&#x203A;ÇĄ Â&#x201E;Â&#x2014;Â&#x2013; Â&#x2039;Â&#x2013; Â&#x192;Â&#x17D;Â&#x17D;Â&#x2018;Â&#x2122;Â&#x2022; Â&#x2013;Â&#x160;Â&#x2021;Â? Ď?Â&#x17D;Â&#x2021;Â&#x161;Â&#x2039;Â&#x201E;Â&#x2039;Â&#x17D;Â&#x2039;Â&#x2013;Â&#x203A; in every other arena. Just this year, ACL featured such dichotomous pairings as: Run the Jewels and Brand New, Disclosure and The Foo Fighters, Father John Misty and Vince Staples, Walk the Moon and G-Eazy, A$AP Rocky and JosĂŠ GonzalĂŠs, where each of these duos played at the same time, and they all attracted full crowds.

This genre bricolage is just one example of ACLâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s egalitarianism. Â&#x2039;Â?Â&#x2021; Â&#x192; Â&#x2122;Â&#x2021;Â&#x17D;Â&#x17D;ÇŚÂ?Â&#x192;Â?Â&#x192;Â&#x2030;Â&#x2021;Â&#x2020; Â&#x2021;Â&#x161;Â&#x2026;Â&#x160;Â&#x192;Â?Â&#x2030;Â&#x2021;ÇŚÂ&#x2013;Â&#x201D;Â&#x192;Â&#x2020;Â&#x2021;Â&#x2020; Â&#x2C6;Â&#x2014;Â?Â&#x2020; Č&#x2039; Č&#x152;ÇĄ Â&#x2020;Â&#x2039;Â&#x2DC;Â&#x2021;Â&#x201D;Â&#x2022;Â&#x2039;Ď?Â&#x2039;Â&#x2021;Â&#x2022; their portfolio so well, so intelligently, that they manage to grow and improve while still staying miles away from risky ventures.

Their objective has always been balance: local and foreign, big and small, artistic and commercial, new and old. They are the Spurs, the New York style pizza, and the French kiss of music festivals: Â&#x2013;Â&#x160;Â&#x2021;Â&#x203A; Â&#x2020;Â&#x2039;Â&#x2020; Â&#x2039;Â&#x2013; Ď?Â&#x2039;Â&#x201D;Â&#x2022;Â&#x2013;ÇĄ Â&#x2013;Â&#x160;Â&#x2021;Â&#x203A; Â&#x2020;Â&#x2039;Â&#x2020; Â&#x2039;Â&#x2013; Â&#x201E;Â&#x2021;Â&#x2022;Â&#x2013;ÇĄ Â&#x192;Â?Â&#x2020; Â&#x2013;Â&#x160;Â&#x2021;Â&#x203A; Â&#x160;Â&#x192;Â&#x2DC;Â&#x2021; Â&#x2020;Â&#x2018;Â?Â&#x2021; Â&#x2039;Â&#x2013; Â&#x2026;Â&#x2018;Â?Â&#x2022;Â&#x2039;Â&#x2022;Â&#x2013;Â&#x2021;Â?Â&#x2013;Â&#x17D;Â&#x203A; Â&#x2021;Â&#x2DC;Â&#x2021;Â&#x201D; Â&#x2022;Â&#x2039;Â?Â&#x2026;Â&#x2021;Ǥ Â&#x160;Â&#x2021;Â&#x2039;Â&#x201D; Â&#x2021;Â&#x161;Â&#x2039;Â&#x2022;Â&#x2013;Â&#x2021;Â?Â&#x2026;Â&#x2021; Â&#x2039;Â&#x2022; Â&#x2122;Â&#x160;Â&#x192;Â&#x2013; Â&#x152;Â&#x2014;Â&#x2022;Â&#x2013;Â&#x2039;Ď?Â&#x2039;Â&#x2021;Â&#x2022; Â&#x2013;Â&#x160;Â&#x2021;Â&#x2039;Â&#x201D; Â&#x2021;Â&#x161;Â&#x2039;Â&#x2022;Â&#x2013;Â&#x2021;Â?Â&#x2026;Â&#x2021;Ǥ

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NOVEMBER 2015 PROUD MEMBER OF ACT ALLY

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NOVEMBER 2015

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That’s why when I arrived early on Friday and was nonplussed with the performers, I didn’t panic. I knew I was early for a millennial. They had planned on me showing up at 5:00. And then, just like clockwork, Run the Jewels and Brand New began their sets—two completely different styles of music, playing at exactly the same time, a quarter mile away from each other, and each stage was packed. Following that came Tame Impala, Gary Clark, and then Disclosure for me, Foo Fighters for everyone’s parents. All right on schedule.

The amenities were professional—there were no endearing missteps or crack-in-the-façade goofs. Hundreds of portapotties, armies of volunteers refilling water bottles and legions of trash urchins, as well as a well-staffed lost and found, info tent, tag-a-kid, cashless ACL and bag check. All back of your head stuff that you want taken care of but not distracting you from the music, all on point.

The next day, ACL’s most dangerous day in terms of hooliganism and inebriation, the festival was prepared with plenty of good music to tranquilize the youth and keep their idle ears from becoming the devil’s tools. Starting at 2:30—the earliest a millennial would feasibly go on a Saturday—with Vince Staples, and then proceeding with Father John Misty, Shakey Graves, Koa, Unknown Mortal Orchestra, A$AP Rocky and Drake, there was not a single dull moment.

Then on Sunday ACL reached peak music, playing my personal favorites in a much-appreciated valediction. Starting with the beautiful Kali Uchis, then jumping to The Decemberists, Kurt Vile, Chance the Rapper (the best performance of the weekend, in my opinion), Alt-J and The Weeknd, ACL again presented a nearly flawless line-up, showcasing the predictable consistency—but not predictability—that promises a long, prosperous life for ACL.

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A R T I S T OF T HE MON T H | by michael t yler

Music critics credit the Internet with changing the industry in a number of massively impactful ways, but few are more paradigm-shifting than the unrestricted access that artists now enjoy to music from every genre, region and decade. While this concept isnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t new, George Clantonâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s latest effort, 100% Electronica, is fresh evidence of its importance. But to fully appreciate the New York-by-way-of-Virginia producer and his latest release, we have to start at the beginning.

For the last four years, George Clanton has operated under Â&#x2013;Â&#x2122;Â&#x2018; Â?Â&#x2018;Â?Â&#x2039;Â?Â&#x2021;Â&#x201D;Â&#x2022;Ǥ Â&#x160;Â&#x2021; Ď?Â&#x2039;Â&#x201D;Â&#x2022;Â&#x2013; Â&#x2122;Â&#x192;Â&#x2022; Â&#x192;Â&#x2022; Â&#x192; Â&#x2022;Â&#x2021;Â?Â&#x2039;Â?Â&#x192;Â&#x17D; vaporwave producer called ESPRIT 犺 GEORGE ć&#x192;ł. This act, which he operated under for CLANTON three years, was largely associated with Album: the music label, hyperpop subgenre and all100% Electronica encompassing scene known as PC Music.

PC Music, known for its genre-bending Songs: electric hyperspeed pop music, gained â&#x20AC;&#x153;Bleed,â&#x20AC;? â&#x20AC;&#x153;It Makes Babies Want to Cryâ&#x20AC;?

Internet notoriety in 2013, and has been responsible for churning out some of Available on: the most unique sounds in music today.

Soundcloud, Spotify ESPRIT 犺ć&#x192;ł, and the electronic vaporwave Â&#x2022;Â&#x2018;Â&#x2014;Â?Â&#x2020;Â&#x2022;Â&#x2026;Â&#x192;Â&#x2019;Â&#x2021;Â&#x2022; Â&#x2039;Â&#x2013; Â&#x2026;Â&#x201D;Â&#x2021;Â&#x192;Â&#x2013;Â&#x2021;Â&#x2020;ÇĄ Ď?Â&#x2039;Â&#x2013; Â&#x201D;Â&#x2039;Â&#x2030;Â&#x160;Â&#x2013; Â&#x2039;Â?Â&#x2013;Â&#x2018; Â&#x2013;Â&#x160;Â&#x2021; Â&#x2022;Â&#x2026;Â&#x2021;Â?Â&#x2021; Â&#x192;Â?Â&#x2020; Â&#x2122;Â&#x2021;Â&#x201D;Â&#x2021; Â&#x17D;Â&#x192;Â?Â&#x2013;Â&#x2018;Â?ÇŻÂ&#x2022; Ď?Â&#x2039;Â&#x201D;Â&#x2022;Â&#x2013; Â&#x2022;Â&#x2013;Â&#x2021;Â&#x2019;Â&#x2022; Â&#x2039;Â?Â&#x2013;Â&#x2018; Â&#x2013;Â&#x160;Â&#x2021; Â&#x2021;Â&#x161;Â&#x2019;Â&#x2021;Â&#x201D;Â&#x2039;Â?Â&#x2021;Â?Â&#x2013;Â&#x192;Â&#x17D; Â&#x2019;Â&#x2018;Â&#x2019; Â&#x2122;Â&#x2018;Â&#x201D;Â&#x17D;Â&#x2020;Ǥ The second and most recent project Clanton worked on was called Mirror Kisses. This project took his day-glo synths and shoegaze atmospheres and paired them with his own vocal tracks, creating Â&#x160;Â&#x2039;Â&#x2022; Ď?Â&#x2039;Â&#x201D;Â&#x2022;Â&#x2013; Â&#x2DC;Â&#x2018;Â&#x2026;Â&#x192;Â&#x17D;Â&#x17D;Â&#x203A; Â&#x2020;Â&#x201D;Â&#x2039;Â&#x2DC;Â&#x2021;Â? Â&#x2019;Â&#x2018;Â&#x2019; Â&#x2019;Â&#x201D;Â&#x2018;Â&#x152;Â&#x2021;Â&#x2026;Â&#x2013;Ǥ Â&#x160;Â&#x2039;Â&#x17D;Â&#x2021; Â&#x2013;Â&#x160;Â&#x2039;Â&#x2022; Â&#x2021;Â&#x161;Â&#x2019;Â&#x2021;Â&#x201D;Â&#x2039;Â?Â&#x2021;Â?Â&#x2013; Â&#x2122;Â&#x192;Â&#x2022; received well, Clanton always felt as if it was missing something. On

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smoothieetunes.com

his Facebook page, Clanton describes feeling as if he could never get the ending right to either one of these projects. The issue lingered with him for quite some time. Then, on a subway ride one day in September, it â&#x20AC;&#x153;hit him.â&#x20AC;? A year later, 100% Electronica was born.

Today, Clanton has ditched all of the other handles and is operating both in the spotlight and under his birth name. His most recent project, 100% Electronica, was released on September 25th and shows the artist fully coming into his own. Â&#x160;Â&#x2039;Â&#x17D;Â&#x2021; Â&#x2039;Â&#x201D;Â&#x201D;Â&#x2018;Â&#x201D; Â&#x2039;Â&#x2022;Â&#x2022;Â&#x2021;Â&#x2022; Â&#x2122;Â&#x192;Â&#x2022; Â&#x17D;Â&#x192;Â?Â&#x2013;Â&#x2018;Â?ÇŻÂ&#x2022; Ď?Â&#x2039;Â&#x201D;Â&#x2022;Â&#x2013; attempt at pairing vocal tracks with his vaporwave synths, 100% Electronica shows this idea fully realized. The shoegaze synths still create vast, endless atmospheres, but this time around, Clantonâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s vocals create an Â&#x2018;Â&#x192;Â&#x2022;Â&#x2039;Â&#x2022; Â&#x2013;Â&#x160;Â&#x192;Â&#x2013; Â&#x203A;Â&#x2018;Â&#x2014;Â&#x201D; Â&#x2021;Â&#x192;Â&#x201D; Â&#x17D;Â&#x2018;Â?Â&#x2030;Â&#x2022; Â&#x2C6;Â&#x2018;Â&#x201D;Ǥ Â&#x160;Â&#x2021; Â&#x2039;Â?Ď?Â&#x17D;Â&#x2014;Â&#x2021;Â?Â&#x2026;Â&#x2021;Â&#x2022; from 80â&#x20AC;&#x2122;s pop giants such as Tears for Fears and New Order (who Clanton cites as his favorite band growing up) are all apparent, but theyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re mixed and mashed together with synths from Internet-only genres like PC Music, chillwave and vaporwave that are entirely 2015, a recipe that creates pop Â&#x2022;Â&#x2018;Â?Â&#x2030;Â&#x2022; Â&#x17D;Â&#x192;Â&#x201D;Â&#x2030;Â&#x2021; Â&#x2021;Â?Â&#x2018;Â&#x2014;Â&#x2030;Â&#x160; Â&#x2013;Â&#x2018; Ď?Â&#x2039;Â&#x17D;Â&#x17D; Â&#x192; Â&#x2022;Â&#x2013;Â&#x192;Â&#x2020;Â&#x2039;Â&#x2014;Â?Ǥ The EP is ten songs long and thoroughly displays Clantonâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s ability to create soaring and dramatic pop music as both a songwriter and producer. The album features chantalong tracks reminiscent of New Order and Tears for Fears at their most poppy (â&#x20AC;&#x153;Keep a Secret,â&#x20AC;? â&#x20AC;&#x153;Innocence,â&#x20AC;? â&#x20AC;&#x153;Did I Flounder?â&#x20AC;?), two irrefutable pop anthems (â&#x20AC;&#x153;Bleed,â&#x20AC;? â&#x20AC;&#x153;It Makes Babies Want to Cryâ&#x20AC;?) and an absolutely insane track (â&#x20AC;&#x153;Kill You in Bedâ&#x20AC;?) that showcases Clantonâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s vaporwave abilities by creating a slow rising sound that literally sounds like a wave is washing over you.

Growing up on the Internet gives way to endless possibilities in terms of music production, and while the blending of genres Â&#x2039;Â&#x2022; Â&#x2013;Â&#x160;Â&#x2021; Â&#x2018;Â&#x201E;Â&#x2DC;Â&#x2039;Â&#x2018;Â&#x2014;Â&#x2022; Â&#x201E;Â&#x2021;Â?Â&#x2021;Ď?Â&#x2039;Â&#x2013;ÇĄ Â&#x2013;Â&#x160;Â&#x2021; Â&#x2018;Â&#x2013;Â&#x160;Â&#x2021;Â&#x201D;ÇĄ Â&#x2122;Â&#x160;Â&#x2039;Â&#x2026;Â&#x160; Â&#x2039;Â&#x2022; perhaps even more rewarding, is watching an artist grow and piece together something brilliant. Over the last four years, weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve seen George Clanton emerge, fully stepping into the spotlight, and I canâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t wait to see what he comes up with next.

T OP 10 1. What Do You Mean?

Justin Bieber 2. Good For You Selena Gomez featuring A$AP Rocky 3. All Eyes On You Meek Mill featuring Chris Brown & Nicki Minaj 4. White Iverson Post Malone 5. Antidote Travi$ Scott 6. Tell Your Friends The Weeknd 7. 100 The Game featuring Drake 8. Come Get Her Rae Sremmurd 9. About You Trey Songz 10. Diamonds Dancing Drake & Future

NOVEMBER 2015

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NOVEMBER 2015

by jacoby bancroft

| S H A K E N A ND S T IR R E D

epixhd.com

In 1962’s Dr. No, Sean Connery introduced the world to an icon. A British superspy every bit as charming as

ǡ ϐ to see in its heroes.

he was deadly. A man with a weird obsession for shaken

Which brings us to the current problem with the series: this

martinis and a knack for bedding beautiful women with

generation is hurting Bond’s legacy. The character of James Bond

astounding bravado. His name is Bond, James Bond, and

has always been a debonair superspy, but that doesn’t work

the character’s adventures have been a staple in the spy

anymore—modern audiences need something deeper. There’s

genre for over 50 years.

no such thing as a perfect hero in cinema anymore, because this

Bond’s sturdy foothold in mainstream cinema

ϐ Ǥ ǯ

shows how his character resonates strongly with audiences

ϐ ǡ

everywhere. He’s arguably the most recognizable of any movie

whole character can be summed up as a broken orphan, incapable

character, which is odd, given that six different actors have

ǡ ϐ ϐ

donned the signature tuxedo. I mean, there’s only been one Darth

into a post-modern world. It makes for compelling movies, but it

Vader and one Indiana Jones, but we’ve witnessed six variations

wasn’t what Bond started out as. This certainly never happened

of Bond over the course of 23 movies. Not many characters could

to the other guys.

have survived that long, but Bond is a rare exception.

To gain a better understanding of Bond’s rich history, I needed

That doesn’t mean Bond never evolves. Quite the opposite

to do more research. I wanted to become well versed in the Bond

actually. Bond always adapts to the time period he’s in, and

cinematic universe, so I could examine what he started out as

almost always takes into consideration what came before. If

compared to what he is now. To do this, I issued myself an epic

the previously released Bond movie was criticized for being

challenge. I vowed to watch every Bond movie ever to get a better

too serious, the next one is packed with humor. If the previous

ϐ Ǥ Ǧ Ǧ

movie was too silly, producers would make sure to add dramatic

by only drinking martinis and enviously looking at my neighbor’s

weight next time. It’s a constant cycle of moving the series in

Aston Martin. Once my liver started hurting and my neighbor

one direction before audience backlash shifts it the other way. In

shooed me away with his garden hose, I knew I was ready.

NOVEMBER 2015

| 67

I pondered the tough questions any Bond-connoisseur should contemplate: What is the power source behind Sean Connery’s animal magnetism? Who the heck is George Lazenby? What would a Bond villain actually do if they conquered the world? Why does no one ever just shoot Bond right away? Are they afraid his blood has turned to pure alcohol at this point and shooting him will ϐ ǫ

questions like that.

before Hollywood could afford to make superhero movies. He was the only one standing in the way of the ridiculously evil SPECTRE organization, and he faced ϐ Ǥ really understood what drove Connery’s Bond, but it was always fun watching him work.

As Connery’s reign continued, the ϐ ϐ ǡ Ǥ

started to embrace a very tongue-incheek attitude. The movie opens with Bond punching a woman in the face, who turns out to be a man in disguise. The two ϐ ǡ ϐ his handy-dandy jetpack. It’s a lot of fun, but it highlights how the franchise was pushing the series into increasingly ridiculous situations.

easier when Connery decided to step down from the role, forcing producers to find someone who could fill his very large shoes. They cast a relatively unknown model-turned-actor named George Lazenby, and made sure the next Bond film, 1969’s On Her Majesty’s Secret Service, carried more dramatic weight than the previous films.

All the trademark Bond tropes are present in Lazenby’s film. He still doles out pun-tastic one-liners every chance he gets, performs insane stunts and woos plenty of women, but it ends on an extremely dark note. He ends up falling madly in love with one of the Bond girls he seduces, and the two get married and drive off into the sunset together.

Their happiness is short-lived when Bond’s nemesis Blofeld drives by and guns down Bond’s new wife. Bond cries over her dead body. Roll credits. It’s an incredibly dark anomaly, and completely stands apart from any other ending in the franchise. I see it as the producers testing the waters to see if they could make Bond more complex.

The gamble didn’t pay off. Lazenby proved difficult to work with and chose not to return, making him the only oneand-done Bond of the franchise. At this point, producers seemed to panic. They looked afraid of taking Bond to darker places and pulled back. They coaxed Connery to return with a then-record $1.25 million and gave him another wacky adventure in 1971’s Diamonds

CONNERY SETS THE MOOD To many, Sean Connery is the James Bond. The man radiated charm and charisma (I’m not jealous or anything).

His performance in Dr. No would set the standard for everything that came after. Every other actor called upon to take up the James Bond mantle brought something new, but all honor the spirit of Connery’s Bond in some way.

Connery’s Bond was a larger-than-life character. He was a 1960’s superhero

68 |

NOVEMBER 2015

Are Forever. It involved a space laser powered by diamonds that threatened the entire world. It’s one of the worst Bond films in the franchise. You could have taken Austin Powers, placed him in the film instead of Bond, and the movie would have played out mostly

L AZENBY ADDS WEIGHT

the same way.

There’s no mention of Bond’s wife, but

After 1967’s You Only Live Twice

it begins with the character obsessively

pushed Bond further into comedic

looking for Blofeld. It’s like filmmakers

territory, it was clear that they needed

wanted to retain some semblance of

a new direction. A fresh start became

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| 69

semi-continuity, but at the same time

ridiculously

henchmen

ǯ ϐ

never talk about Lazenby’s movie again.

and Christopher Walken. He traveled

the character. Every day after school I

At this point, it became clear that Bond’s

from gritty Harlem streets to lavish

would play the N64 versions of The World

biggest enemy wasn’t a power-mad villain,

Indian monuments to the icy blackness of

is Not Enough and Goldeneye with friends

but rather a studio that could never decide

outer space. Nothing was too far-fetched

until my competitive nature turned them

if they wanted a serious Bond or a campy

for Moore’s Bond, and he did it all with a

into enemies. I loved Brosnan’s movies as

Bond.

dash of charm and a small smile. Moore

a kid, so that’s why I was afraid to revisit

softened the dangerous edge developed

the Brosnan era with a more critical eye.

by Connery’s Bond and was a light-

ϐ Ǥ

over-powered

hearted hero throughout his run.

As I made my way through the movies, I

In the end, Moore’s Bond still suffered

felt my inner child die under the weight of

the same fate as Connery’s 007. Again, the

empty action sequences and poor plotting

franchise was sliding back into campy

issues. The nineties represent the rise of

territory. It went too far in 1985’s A View

CGI, and the Bond franchise utilized it

to a Kill, a very silly movie with the silliest

way too much with Brosnan. They were

name (seriously, why is there an extra ‘a’

ϐ ǡ

in there?) that involved microchips and

meaningful. This was the period that

ϐ Ǥ

ϐ

At this point, a pattern started emerging.

hero, but at the cost of depth and quality.

Both Connery and Moore started off

The character went through another

ǡ ϐ ϐ

major transformation during this era.

ϐ Ǥ ǡ

Instead of Britain’s golden boy, Bond

for a Bond actor to end on a high note.

developed a hint of a rogue streak.

As modern audiences grew to like characters who fought outside the establishment and bent the rules to do what was right, Bond changed to fit that mold. It’s an interesting contrast to watch earlier films where Bond had complete support from his superiors no matter what, and then compare that

MOORE IS LESS

to Brosnan’s Bond. His character was

After the atrocity that was Diamonds

forced to quit and go outside the law in

Are Forever, the franchise thankfully

order to save the world. It was his most

received

radical change yet.

a

major

facelift.

Connery

declined to return (again), and producers

Unfortunately, 2002’s Die Another

tested a wide range of different actors.

Day, Brosnan’s last film, drove the series

Most interestingly? Clint Eastwood was

into the ground with a resounding thud.

offered the role, but turned it down.

It was an incoherent, sloppy excuse for

While Eastwood would have brought

an action film that relied too much on

a harder edge to Bond, the idea of an

special effects. It was like Bond was

Americanized James Bond is a little

playing a macho parody of himself. The

frightening. Roger Moore was tapped

series once again became too campy

to replace Connery, and he became the

for its own good and the character of

new face of the franchise for twelve long, mediocre years, starring in a record-

BROS N A N PL AYS T H E ACTION HERO

ϐ Ǥ In his time as Bond, Moore fought evil

Pierce Brosnan will always be my

witch doctors, men with golden guns,

James Bond. He took over the role when I

70 |

NOVEMBER 2015

Bond became somewhat of a joke. The only good thing about Die Another Day is that it laid the groundwork for the best Bond reboot in the franchise. Enter Daniel Craig.

NOVEMBER 2015

| 71

wallbasehq.com

tragic answer: it’s because he’s broken.

C R A IG G OE S DA R K Sean Connery’s Bond could not exist today. He’s too perfect, a remnant of a different time. There’s no such thing as an absolute good guy in movies anymore. Everyone has shades of grey.

Even traditionally perfect characters like Superman have to be infused with inner angst and given tough moral dilemmas to appease today’s masses. James Bond has always been a character capable of great ǡ ϐ really explore the inner workings of the

I mentioned earlier that this generation

Connery, Moore and Brosnan had one

likes their movie characters with a bit of

thing in common: they had no backstory.

grit, and being part of this generation,

It allowed the character to easily reinvent

I’m not afraid to call Casino Royale the

himself every few years. Now that Bond’s

best James Bond ever. It takes the Bond

ϐ ǡ

character in a completely new direction by

ϐ Ǥ

ϐ Ǥ

When Daniel Craig decides he’s done

Bond swagger is replaced by arrogance

wearing the tuxedo, what happens?

ϐ Ǥ

They’re going to have to go with a younger

with married women because he isn’t

actor, which wipes away the big themes

capable of truly loving anyone.

questioning the superspy’s relevance in

This was a great place to take the

the post-modern world. They’ve worked

character, but it’s what they did after that

ϐ

started to hurt Bond’s legacy. Quantum of

rich cinematic experiences that it spoils

Solace drives him further into antihero-

anything that comes next. We can’t have

territory, as he is fueled by cold vengeance

the perfect hero like Connery, the easy

rather than the desire to save the world.

rider like Moore or the corny action hero

By the time Skyfall arrived, audiences

like Brosnan anymore. They’re not deep

had a pretty good idea how this Bond

enough. Bond had survived this long

Ǥ ϐ

because his character had remained

charm stemmed from his coldness. While

ϐ ǡ ǯ

Connery, Moore and Brosnan seemed to

ϐ ǯ

relish life, Craig seemed haunted ted by it.

adapt anymore.

Skyfall continued the trend of examining xamining

We are living in the

Bond’s psyche by exploring his childhood. hildhood.

golden age of

Here we learn Bond was an orphan, han, who

Bond movies,

was recruited and trained to become

but we better

deadly agent against evil. Yes, s, James

not take it

Bond is now basically Batman.

for granted.

It’s a great character arc for Bond, one

done, it’s going

in the upcoming installment, but ut it’s so

ϐ ϐ

far off-base from what Bond started tarted as

the franchise to

that he’s practically unrecognizable. able. This

continue.

not only spits in the face of Bond’s nd’s long ϐ ǡ

comes to future installments.

What drives the superspy to save the

BOND’S BLEAK FUTURE

world time and time again with dogged How come nothing fazes

him? Why does he feel the need to sleep with every beautiful woman even though he for sure is riddled with STDs? For ʹͲ ϐ addressed, waved off as nothing more than “he’s just really cool.” That all changed with 2006’s Casino Royale, which answered all those questions with a

72 |

NOVEMBER 2015

After Craig’s

that will no doubt be further discussed

character.

persistence?

Although they were very different,

On their own, Craig’s Bond d movies are

fantastic.

They

walk

the

line

perfectly between quality dramaa and fun ϐ ǡ

chain, they present serious problems.

Bond has always been a character ter who changes and evolves with the times, but now he can’t do that.

wallconvert.com

NOVEMBER 2015

| 73

blogs.courant.com

74 |

NOVEMBER 2015

by gabriel aguilar

| C -P OP

CHINESE POP MUSIC: WHERE’S THE BEEF? Why is Chinese Pop Music about Chinese History, Why Isn’t It Popular in America, tv.toggle.sg

Last summer I had the opportunity to study abroad in China, and while there I was struck with a revelation. For a country with the largest population in the world, one of the strongest global economies and wall-building capabilities that make Donald Trump pant, their international dominance seems conspicuously lacking in one deafeningly silent arena: pop music.

Think about it—have you ever heard of C-Pop? It shares none of the popularity that Japanese and Korean pop enjoy, both having long ago broken the American sound barrier.

To the naked ear, C-Pop offers no apparent explanation for its utter lack of commercial success. When I was in Beijing, I listened to Chinese music constantly: pop stations on the radio, street songs warbled by scabby panhandlers and melodies crooning in coffee houses, but I never found any answers.

and Did I Just Answer My Own Question?

Yes, I can’t speak Mandarin, and so yes, it all sounded like gibberish— but the hooks and choruses were just as catchy as your standard grade industrial pop. The songs last between three-and-a-half and four minutes, and the melodies are catchy as hell, so the formulae behind the noise seemed nearly identical. Based on just the superficial sound of C-pop, it has a level of catchiness that should warrant at least a f ledgling underground scene in America, or at least there was no musical reason why it shouldn’t.

No, I decided, it was something else, some unknowable factor, some lostin-translation chemical X that was responsible, and I was going to figure out what it was. Like an N’SYNC from an alternate Chinese universe, I wondered: what’s the deal with this pop life, and when’s it going to pan out?

Like anything truly important in life, I learned it on the basketball court. In

Beijing, I used to hoop with the locals, and when they put music on, I would always ask what the song was about.

Just about every time, they would reply zhonguo—China.

Later, when my host family was listening to music and I asked what it was about, they would also say zhonguo.

And when my Mandarin teacher rode the subway to Beijing with me, he told me the musicians playing in the carts were singing about the origins of China. Everywhere I looked I found China lurking in Chinese music, and the vibe got pretty cultish. Tell me with a straight face that if American DJ’s blasted “Yankee Doodle” in the club you wouldn’t bat an eye.

I asked my friend Zhang Huan what was going on. She lives in Beijing and has never visited America, a fact I immediately intuited when she was surprised to hear that Hilary Duff was no longer relevant. Her commitment to

NOVEMBER 2015

| 75

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NOVEMBER 2015

This stems partially from the lack of any concept analogous to the American Dream, no rags to riches si se puede mantra that advocates pushing forward and upward mobility. Questioning censorship is a sign of individualism, ϐ ǡ ego-motivated action is condemned in Chinese culture—not by the government, but by the people.

mydramalist.com

Aughts culture convinced me she was the perfect person to ask about Chinese pop, as she clearly hadn’t been wasting any time keeping up with American media.

“The bigger cities tend to be where the music happens,” Huan explained. “Think Taiwan, Beijing, and Shanghai. Most artists are from smaller provinces but migrate to bigger cities for their shot.”

She explained that in the same way that American hip-hop is geographically idiosyncratic—think Los Angeles, Atlanta, Chicago and New York—music in China differs based on where it’s made.

Beijing, where I lived, is more stubborn about maintaining cultural traditions, which means that patriotic music is more popular there.

“But Shanghai, because it’s more ǡ ϐ things more relatable than Beijing,” said Huan. “The population in Beijing is much more rooted in the history of China, while the people in Shanghai are more focused on the human elements of dayto-day life.”

Kaiyun Lambert, a UTSA student who spent most of her life in Shanghai, explained more. She told me that Chinese society has a tendency to overlook its faults instead of critiquing them, a concept at odds with the American concept of government and selfimprovement. In China, this lack of selfcriticism is apparent in every aspect of society and politics, including music.

ǯ ϐ musician writing pieces about anything even close to anti-establishment, let alone a protest or even critique. There are a few exceptions—Hong Kong, for instance—where the government doesn’t have as tight of control on the media, but in general, music is either pro-China or non-existent.

What’s more: the people of China not only turn a blind-eye to the censorship, but accept their societal limitations obediently, even happily. There is a pride in Chinese society that comes from ǡ ϐ and not questioning the bigger picture.

Lambert said that many artists even go so far as to write as China in order to express emotion, so discouraged is selfexpression in Chinese society. If an artist wants to write a song about a break up, instead of the lyrics being about “me” and “you,” they’ll be in third person, using China as a doppelganger for the writer. They then convey their messages by referencing Chinese history that

explains Lambert, “because in China, we

歌曲名称:大中国 The Great China By: 歌手:高枫 演唱：高枫

care a lot about our neighbors. We care

TR ANSL ATED BY: ZHANG HUAN

illustrates the same concept.

“We use these emotions like love and hate in context with Chinese history,”

a lot about community, and so we’re OK with giving up a certain part of ourselves for the better of the community. This love for neighbors and respect for the culture bleeds into media censorship. Chinese people have a strong sense of loyalty and love for their nation and belief in their government.”

For instance, imagine if instead of

We all share one family named China With numerous brothers and sisters As well as gorgeous scenery Yangtze and Yellow river, as if were two dragons Go throughout China Also with Mount Everest is the highest mountain

writing “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together,” Taylor Swift had written “The Declaration of Independence,” where she’s the 13 Colonies and Jake Gyllenahaal is England. This means that artists write songs that replace the narrator with China, and the events with nationalist history,

effectively

double-burying

any personal expression. The complex societal pressures caused by Chinese groupthink explain both the music’s odd format, as well as its inability to capture mainstream commercial success. For now, C-Pop can stay in China.

“Basically, what works in America, works for America,” says Lambert. “What works in China, works for China.”

See the Great Wall Shuttles back and forth in clouds See, Qinghai-Tibet Plateau Were vaster than the sky Our Great China How large a family has weathered so much, So much wind and rain Our Great China

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| 77

ART

FILM

F O OD & DR I N K

S P OR T S/O U T D O OR S

TA L K

•

•

••

DIWALI

HUDSON MOHAWKE

SAN ANTONIO

GILLEY’S, DALLAS

HOUSTON WHATEVER FEST

11/14

11/7

HOUSTON

For non-Hindus, this “festival of lights” is the best time of the year to get covered in dusty colors and eat free Indian food. It’s also the best time to do that for Hindus.

Fresh off his 2015 album Lanterns, any concert that Scottish DJ Ross Birchard throws is going to be a dance party to remember.

Check him out touring through Texas and listen for “Ryderz” and “Scud Books.”

M U S IC

pinpointmusic.com

11/21, 11/22

• •

•

FUN FUN FUN FEST

TERLINGUA INTERNATIONAL CHILI CHAMPIONSHIP

AUSTIN 11/ 6 - 11/8 Musical greats like Grimes, Toro y Moi, American Football and Rae Sremmurd team up with entertainers like Tig Notaro, Eric Andre and Ryan Sheckler to form one of the most solid lineups since the ’03 Spurs.

78 |

TERLINGUA 11/5 - 11/7 Long car rides and huge amounts chili seem like a bad combination, but pretty much anything combined with chili is a bad combination—at least this pre-fart is award-winning!

NOVEMBER 2015

DAVID SEDARIS

• ALEX G AND GIRLPOOL, PAPER TIGER SAN ANTONIO 11/7 Alex G—the Philadelphia Bandcamp sensation—teams up with female power duo Girlpool to form one of the most lyrically stunning duos since Tim McGraw and Nelly.

JONES HALL, HOUSTON 11/7 The famously acerbic, hilarious writer is touring the country this fall, giving fans a chance to see and hear his famous voice live. For a fan of his books, seeing him in person is a can’t-miss.

As FFF is to ACL, HWF is to FPSP. If you understood that sentence then you probably already have tickets to HWF. If you didn’t understand it, then you should go to Houston Whatever Fest because T.J. Miller, Ghostland Observatory, The Front Bottoms (a Study Breaks favorite), Brooks Wheelan and GZA will be there.

• TEXAS MONTHLY BBQ FEST AUSTIN 11/1 Texas Monthly invites the 50 best barbecue joints in the state to Austin. You pay $80 and get to eat all their food, drink beer and smell like barbecue until you shower. Pretty solid deal.

•

•

•

MUSTACHE DACHE

TEQUILA FEST

AUSTIN & SAN ANTONIO

AUSTIN

THE FRONT BOTTOMS

11/1

GAS MONKEY, DALLAS

The 5th Annual Austin Tequila Fest is a cultural experience for agave lovers from all backgrounds to come together to enjoy a lot of tequila, mescal and sotol. It’s on Dia de los Muertos, so costumes are encouraged and your ticket gets you into an afterparty, where the tequila consumption will probably

11/20

November is of course Movember, so what better time to slap a fake mustache on your face and run a 5k? The 0XVWDFKH 'DFKH EHQHŵWV a variety of men’s health causes around the country, using your $35 or $45 registration to combat prostrate and testicular cancer.

be less responsible.

11/22 & 11/29

•

•

CHANCE THE RAPPER

EAST AUSTIN STUDIO TOUR

GILLEY’S, DALLAS

AUSTIN

11/13

11/14, 11/15 & 11/21, 11/22

Chance the Rapper and his group The Social Experiment will be touring through Texas this fall, so make sure you catch the rapper that Kanye called “one of the most talented young new artists.”

Pray he plays “Smoke Again.”

• WURSTFEST NEW BR AUNFELS 11/6 - 11/15

EAST is a “free, annual, self-guided art event occurring over two weekends in East Austin.”

It’s the most accessible way to explore the East Austin art scene, and features everything from exhibitions to improv, studio art to pop-up dinners.

• TURKEY TROTS EVERY WHERE 11/26

The ultimate celebration of sausage, beer and German music, students flock to New Braunfels every year to participate in yet another version of Texas/German debauchery.

Run a 5k before you eat Thanksgiving dinner, so you can eat more turkey, so we can kill more turkey, so we come one step closer to wiping those miserable bastards off the face of the planet.

Lead singer Brian Sella’s raw lyricism has enabled them to stand out in the often homophonic pop-punk scene. Check out “Twin Size Mattress.”

•

••

JAMES BOND “SPECTRE,”

INA GARTEN

EVERY WHERE HOUSTON

11/5

11/4 Daniel Craig’s last appearance as James Bond will be his best one yet, mostly because Christoph Waltz will be playing the villain. Fingers crossed Waltz plays a time-travelling Colonel Hans Landa.

• • SAY SÍ’S MUERTITOS FEST

•

SPURS VS. TRAIL BLAZERS

MAC MILLER

SAN ANTONIO

SAN ANTONIO

THE BOMB FACTORY, DALLAS

11/5 - 11/7

11/25

Say Sí is a year round, multidisciplinary arts program that helps young artists in San Antonio, and this is their sixth year of hosting Muertito Fest, a three day smorgasbord of themed events, art, poetry, music, dancing and food.

After dropping GO:OD AM in September, Mac Miller might have finally graduated to the upper-tier of hip hop artists. He’s smart, quick, fresh, and well worth seeing live. Listen to “100 Grandkids” and “Break the Law.”

11/11 The first match-up of new Spur LaMarcus Aldridge against his former team will be heated, so try and get tickets for this one.

Use your student ID for $5 tickets early in the season, because as the Spurs go undefeated through 82 games it’s unlikely that there will be any cheap tickets toward the end of the season.

Loved by few, hated by many, and respected by not many, Ina Garten is guaranteed to bring the Hamptons, her impregnable Stepford wife demeanor and her intoxicating East Coast seafood recipes to her speaking tour stop in Houston. Jeffrey will probably tow along, too.

MOV EMBER ISN’T JUST FOR THE GUYS, L ADIES!

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