DP LIVING GUEST OPINION: On Life and Love After 50 by Tom Blake
Assessing How Much to Talk about an Ex or Deceased Loved One
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widow, who is beginning to date again, asked, “How much should a person talk about an ex or deceased spouse?” I asked eight seniors, some widowed and some divorced, for their opinions. Gale, a widow, said, “Not enough to bore your current partner. I suggest a mutual exchange where each of you gets to talk about your exes, but briefly. No one wants to hear a running dialogue about an ex, especially if the date involves getting to know your current partner.” Art stated, “This is how I handle the subject of my late wife. My feeling is that an occasional mention is OK when talking about a place you visited or something that relates to a current situation.” Marian, divorced, said, “Too much or too little divulged by either person isn’t good for obvious reasons—still grieving/angry or unwilling to take ownership. Being able to talk about previous relationships opens a window to where the other person is in his or her healing and state of mind.” Gail, also a widow, wrote, “I feel it is appropriate to tell your date that you are a widow or widower and for how long. Offer nothing else unless asked. It is very easy to ‘elevate’ a departed spouse to sainthood and that should be avoided at all times.”
“We all need to be “tolerant, but if someone is
talking too much about an ex or past love, tell them how you feel. Communication is the key to a successful
”
relationship.
Brenda, divorced, shared, “It’s OK to mention an ex. But don’t point out similarities or differences in your date. Don’t reference your previous life in every event. Be careful not to bring up ‘we did that’ or ‘she would have liked that’ as that is very annoying. I dated a widower briefly, and he did that. He even told me several times I was just like her. That made me angry. I think he was trying to justify dating me by making me seem just like her. She had been deceased for 10 years.” Linda, divorced, after corresponding with a widower online, said, “I met him in person five months ago. A relationship Dana Point Times November 4-10, 2016
began. “He was married one time. He doesn’t have photos of his wife out (deceased three years), but he speaks frequently about the life they had. I wonder if he has gotten past the grief and can move forward into a new relationship?” Dr. John, divorced after a 21-year marriage, said, “Death or divorce, if you were with a partner for a significant length of time, that’s part of who you are, and where you’re coming from. To expect a person to never talk about his or her ex, I think, is to refuse to deal with part of who that person is. Maria, a widow, agreed with Dr. John: “Since we are older folks, we all have a history. We are bound to talk about peoON LIFE AND ple we have loved in the LOVE AFTER 50 past, especially if someBy Tom Blake one has been widowed. It shouldn’t dominate the conversation, but I would like to hear where a person has been with their past experiences—all part of getting to know and assessing the potential partner. “We all need to be tolerant, but if someone is talking too much about an ex or past love, tell them how you feel. Communication is the key to a successful relationship.” If a person talks about an ex frequently, it likely means he or she is not over the situation. That isn’t wrong; it’s a sign that the healing process is ongoing. It could be the person is still angry, hurt, or the heart has not mended. Perhaps, with more time, the person will be able to focus more on the feelings of the new person in his or her life. It’s natural for seniors to mention occasionally a former spouse or significant other. But, keep in mind, people who do could be hurting the feelings of the new person. Done often enough, the new person might leave, and then, the talker might regret that she or he wasn’t more conscious of the new person’s feelings. Tom Blake is a Dana Point resident and a former Dana Point businessman who has authored several books on middle-aged dating. See his websites at www.findingloveafter50.com; www.vicsta.com and www. travelafter55.com. DP PLEASE NOTE: In an effort to provide our readers with a wide variety of opinions from our community, the DP Times provides Guest Opinion opportunities in which selected columnists’ opinions are shared. The opinions expressed in these columns are entirely those of the columnist alone and do not reflect those of the DP Times or Picket Fence Media. If you would like to respond to this column, please email us at editorial@danapointtimes.com
Children dressed up to go trick-or-treating in the Dana Crest neighborhood. Photo: Courtesy of Holly Gale
Halloween in Dana Point BY KRISTINA PRITCHETT, DANA POINT TIMES
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n Oct. 31, children dressed up as princesses, Star Wars characters and more and participated in different activities throughout Dana Point. In Capistrano Beach, there was a pizza party at Pines Park. Across the city, The Ocean Institute held “Spooky Seas.” And throughout neighborhoods, kids went trick-or-treating. The Dana Point Times asked its readers to submit their Halloween photos. The photos submitted included kids trick-ortreating in the Dana Crest neighborhood and one San Clemente resident dressed up at Pines Park. DP
Tessa, a San Clemente resident, dressed up as a “granny” during the celebration at Pines Park. Photo: Courtesy of Toni Nelson
Sudoku BY MYLES MELLOR
Each Sudoku puzzle consists of a 9x9 grid that has been subdivided into nine smaller grids of 3x3 squares. To solve the puzzle, each row, column and box must contain each of the numbers 1 to 9. Puzzles come in three grades: easy, medium and difficult. Level: Medium
Last week’s solution:
Page 17
See the solution in next week’s issue.
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