their virginity. Musician Rebecca St. James is better known now for the many books she has published on the strength of hers, while Tim Tebow’s raised him from noteworthy athlete with a spiritual streak to a figurehead of virtue. While these luminaries proved uddenly, we’re farther than I’ve ever gone before. Beyond the mind-altering that not every virgin is necessarily a sensations that follow one upon the other like stock cars on their final lap, mouth-breathing sexual paranoiac, my ears are ringing with the impact of having met this unlikeliest of all it’s doubtful whether their publicity people, to whom there’s no need to explain jokes or literary references or will bring chastity into vogue, any certain secret hopes, whose nearness sets my ears ringing with an inertial mantra: more than Heather Whitestone made “This is it. This is it. This is it . . .” deafness an enviable trait after her Suddenly, I'm angry. I’m angry because I'm not sure that he’s as sure as I am. win at the 1995 Miss America pagSuddenly, with sex closer than it’s ever been, sex is beside the point. I don't care that eant. After all, it’s likely that when if it's not his first time, but I want it to be his first time feeling toward someone the way Tim Tebow wanted to, he’d have less I feel toward him. To act as though sex with him is just . . . whatever . . . would be a lie trouble than the average guy finding — a lie about the oldest, truest part of me. And it would be equally a lie to proceed as a nice girl to deflower him. From a though it isn't important to me that sex with me be important to him. cultural standpoint, the value of virSo I say, “Wait.” ginity has always consisted entirely I've wondered ever since what my life would be like now if I hadn't said that then. in the opportunities it represents. In ancient times, marrying a woman who wasn't a virgin admitted the possibility of disease, political disturbance, and the possible Don't make me wait, honey / Don't make me say it out late appearance of bastard children. Even as recently as the loud / Don't hesitate now, honey / Or it will all fall down. '50s, a person’s own character was partly assessed by the virtue of their spouse, which could lead to restriction from so(Chris Kalgren) cial groups, clubs, and jobs even as lofty as the US presidency. Men might love their mistresses, but they didn’t marry them. Those virgins who remain, floating on the periphery of This made for a high value on virginity; it did not always modern culture like a raft full of castaways in sight of an Ibiza make for good relationships. That became evident during beach, may find themselves looking at each other and wonderthe '70s, when the divorce rate doubled in just 10 years, and ing, “How did we get here?” They used to be the normal ones; brings us up to date, in an age where people long for the relahell, they used to be in the social ascendancy, commanding tional privileges of mistresses. large numbers of cattle and linen garments as bride-prices. After watching our parents survive loveless marriages for There are way too many factors for this article's word our sakes, or get divorced as soon as they felt we were old count to explain how virginity went from being normative enough to deal with it, we are terrified of marriage. It doesn’t to archaic. Most of it seems directly linked to changes in make us want it any less — come what cultural ebbs and flows popular psychology: “letting our identity be formed by our there may, humans persist in wanting to get married — but it sexuality, rather than letting our identity form our sexuality,” makes us much shyer about approaching it. is the apt phrase of Kirsten Rumary, part of the national We’ve also grown up with a century’s worth of mixed messtaff of Living Waters Canada, a ministry that deals with sages. In one ear, the church and the conservative mainstream relational and sexual issues. Her track record, which began beg us to suppress sexual feelings until we can fully indulge with promiscuity and has since included 17 years of celibacy, them, while in the other ear, psychology says that our very gives her a position of trust that is both lofty and isolated: “I identity hinges on our freedom of sexual expression (with the feel like the orthodox trophy [that] they wheel out, when they resounding agreement of our hormones). The only thing they want that perspective.” agree on is characterizing sexuality as both an ultimate good In this cultural climate, being possessed of your virginity and an unstable compound, against which human beings is like owning a savings bond — worth keeping only until you are practically powerless. (Nor, as Freud argued and Kinsey understand its conceptual value. After that, it's best cashed in echoed, should they be.) before the exchange rate dips any lower; the harder you hold In light of all this, unmarried virgins are treated even by onto it, the harder it is to get rid of. Recently, a string of enthe church as accidents waiting to happen. This attitude gives trepreneurial virgins appeared, selling their virtue at auction us a weird culture of child-brides and fail-safe courtship on and raising questions about the monetary worth of modern one end of the spectrum, and sexual permissiveness of extraday maidenhood. Catarina Migliorini, a 20-year-old Brazilbiblical proportions, on the other end. The watchword of both ian woman whose beauty required several medical tests to camps is “love” — both claim to be the most humanly do-able prove the integrity of her offer, made nearly $800,000 off her ways of showing love to someone that you’re really commitfirst time (proceeds to benefit charity). ted to. Between the two extremes, there falls a broad soft middle, And true love waits / In haunted attics. the growing majority of culturally relevant churches who stay Radiohead on message, but avert their eyes discreetly from couples who “mess up,” “make mistakes,” and “struggle physically.” As long as mistakes are acknowledged and the couple ends up marOf course, any liability can be turned into an asset. There ried, sexual purity is regarded as something to aim for, but are many examples of people who, having gone as far as not to be graded on. they could through looks and talent, leveled up by means of
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