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I must be the luckiest guy alive.

I mean not a day passes when I don’t get notices that I’m getting a free 170-piece Stanley tool set or some other piece of machinery that, given my mechanical acumen, would have me slicing off every appendage the first time I used them.

And that’s not all! Not only am I in line – so far – for 7,295 free drill sets from Lowe’s or Home Depot, but also miracle cures for prostate woes, skin cancer, and obesity, and a notice that all my government debts have been cancelled, no questions asked!

More amazing still: I’m getting all kinds of embarrassingly sexy come-ons from gorgeous young around the world outlining in detail what they can do for me! I don’t know if they’re the same ones doing the puckery fish-face pose trying to friend me on Facebook or not, but imagine, me, pushing 70, getting real letters from real girls around the world!

And the money will be pouring in soon from people like Mrs. Kristalina Georgieva, managing director of the International Monetary Fund who is “delighted” to inform me that the contract/inheritance lottery panel of the UN/COVID19 awarded payment has been approved! Mrs. G., as I like to call her (because I can’t pronounce her name and it just sounds chummy, as I know she must be in real life), said “all governmental and non-governmental NGOs, finance companies, banks, security companies, and diplomats which have been in contact with you of late, have been instructed to back off from your transaction and you have been advised NOT to respond to them anymore since the IMF head office is now directly in charge of my payment.”

Mrs. G., you are the best! And how much is my Covid-19 contract lottery inheritance payment?

Well, only a mere $15,500,000 US dollars, baby! Told you – Mrs. G. rocks! I know what you’re thinking: be careful there buddy, there are so many scams out there, emails that go “phishing,” as they like to call in one of the most egregious misspellings as I’ve seen in a long time. Some experts say these emails are designed by scammers and crooks (as opposed to the saints like Mrs. G., I suspect) to manipulate our emotions and tap into our unconscious biases so humans are practically hardwired to fall for them.

But not me. I’m no sap. I’m not like the millions of people who cough up billions of dollars by falling for scams any idiot can plainly see is fake.

Full disclosure: obviously I was making fun of all of the above and I can be as much of an idiot as anyone. But not when it comes to scams. I’m lucky enough to have a b.s. filter ingrained in me – probably from my dad.

There is a scam that preys on the elderly that has someone calling and pretending their child is somewhere far away, in trouble and in need of money. These heinous scumbags pump out these calls all the time and succeed in maybe 1 or 2 % of the time. But they play the volume game; 1-2% of millions of calls can reap pretty hefty returns.

I know someone in my family who fell for it years ago and got bilked for thousands. Many times it goes unreported out of shame. My dad also got that call many years ago. My dad’s b.s. filter kicked in and he told the caller to go do something that in all actuality would pretty much be physically impossible to do. Instead of leaving me a bunch of money, my dad’s skeptic gene gave me the ability to avoid losing any. paul k a Ndaria N is a lifelong area resident and, since 1982, has been a profession writer, columnist, and contributor in national magazines, websites, and other publications.

Research shows that we humans have to make hundreds or so immediate decisions every day, where to sit in the doctor’s office, what to pick off a fastfood menu, whether to go right or left, tiny decisions that we make instantly. Scammers prey on that instinct and bombard us with stuff that hones in on our need to be liked or to get money or get social validation or that caters to our fear of authority.

Take the IRS scam that happens all the time. You get an email or phone call from the very fake and scary IRS claiming you owe the feds money and will be arrested. Instantly, your fear of the very real and scary IRS kicks in and you may be inclined to pay up. Or your b.s. filter goes off and you just delete the email or hang up and go about your business.

And as a senior myself, I’m disheartened to learn that many falling for scams are older people. According to a study by the Federal Trade Commission and reported by AARP, consumers lost nearly $9 billion to scams and fraud in 2022, up 30% over the year before. And in 2020, it was $3.5 billion. The most punished are seniors; AARP reported that people 80 and over who got scammed lost an average of $1,624 while it was a third of that for those ages 20-29.

The upshot is the very old but very accurate adage: if it’s too good to be true, it is. Heed your inner skeptic and don’t jump for random ridiculous offers.

Me, I’m still waiting on my tools and drill sets. Maybe someone will give me a free house to store it all in.

Paul Kandarian is a lifelong area resident and, since 1982, has been a profession writer, columnist, and contributor in national magazines, websites, and other publications.