Shawn Berman

The Ancient Art of DVD Clearance Bin Diving

by: Shawn Berman

I’m elbow deep in a $5 DVD clearance bin at Walmart, fishing for a random gem to bring home to watch with you. Since we’ve been together, this little game that we play, this weekly ritual—Clearance Bin Roulette—has been crucial for our Friday Movie Nights.

Over time, we have developed an extensive set of rules for this game: ∙ Every week we alternate who gets the honor of picking a movie from the bins. ∙ Absolutely ZERO looking, whatsoever. ∙ Any movie pulled out from the $5 bins will be anointed the official pick of movie night. ∙ No redos!!!

Despite what many may think, there’s an actual science to the ancient art of DVD clearance bin diving. In my opinion, there’s a right way and a wrong way to go about finding a diamond in the rough. Some (not naming names) prefer to be lazy and to just grab whatever movie they touch first. But that’s piss-poor technique in my book. Personally? I like to rummage around for at least 5-10 seconds, gently caressing the movies--teasing them that they’re coming home with us. Then, when I can hear the DVDs crying to be chosen (read: you telling me to hurry up), I make my move, going in for the kill. Not gonna lie, my last few picks have been kinda rough, though I did end up with that one Disney movie--Chicken Little. Despite it’s abysmal 37% Rotten Tomatoes Score, I kinda admired how realistic it was, how the animators went out of their way to accurately portray the chickens in the film, giving Chicken Little over 250,000 feathers. They simply don’t make cinematic experiences like that anymore. I grab hold of a movie and it feels heavy. I can sense the plastic cellophane wrapper slipping away as my palms start to sweat. I then go in with both hands, ensuring that I don’t lose this one to the metaphorical physical media tide. When I pull it out, we stifle a laugh: The Complete Sharknado 1-6 Collection: $20. In the history of this tradition, pulling an overpriced complete collection from the bins has never happened. I don’t know much about Sharknado. Only that an actual real-life Sharknado—from a scientific perspective—is entirely possible. (As the phenomenon of raining fish—and other animals, by the way—is an unusual type of precipitation that happens as a result of filtering dust particles combined with

excessive levels of saline throughout the air).

I look over and can see the moral conundrum you’re having and how you don’t wanna break the rules that nobody knows about. But at $20, the Sharknado collection is way over the allotted movie night budget. Clearly someone else had to make the tough choice between buying this boxset or choosing a 30-rack of Bud Light. I think the right decision was made.

Finally, you tell me to put it back and to go again—saying you’ll allow it—just this once. I pray for the DVD clearance bin gods to give me a miracle. Then...Avatar: The Last Airbender. No such luck. Maybe next week.

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