the caboose
caboose Editor ×
Scott Moraes
× caboose.capcourier@gmail.com
DEAR MOTHER Scott Moraes × Humour and Fiction Editor Dear Mother, I took an IQ test online and was awarded the score of 150. That means I'm a genius. You used to say it back in the days, when we played Scrabble and I not only got words no one else had even heard of, but spelt them correctly. I thought then that you were merely employing the well-known motherly device known as unconditional praise. After all, it didn't feel particularly impressive to me to retain some of the information from my nightly readings of my bedside dictionary. I have thus far underestimated my capabilities, and I fear it may have made a difference in my professional endeavours. Is this something I would want to include on my résumé, or should I merely resign myself to the limited scope of impressiveness demonstrated by my “previous work experience?” I feel I should attempt to learn Latin or some such dead and useless language. After all, being a genius brings great responsibility, and how do you prove you're a genius if not by exhibiting a true wealth of useless knowledge? Perhaps this would be the perfect moment to finally tackle Edward Gibbons' six-volume The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire. I shall memorize the names and chronology (in Roman numerals, of course) of all Roman emperors and how long they lasted before they were poisoned by jealous lovers, stabbed in the back by conspirators, or fell victim to some plague. I have known, amongst my acquaintances, some many lost souls, who already in their mid-twenties, still have their dads tie all their ties and then just hang them up in the closet like that, for all of eternity. Is the fear of knowledge really that widespread? If ties are where we choose to draw the line, how long will we last as a thinking species, mother?
I am, however, reluctant to take this too far and break the tradition of modesty our family has been associated with for generations. Just a few days past, I went on a visit to the art gallery, and came upon a dreadful scene. A very pensive young woman froze in front of a painting at one point and uttered, with the deep complexion of a life-changing epiphany: “It's so... static”. To which a bearded gentleman replied, much to my own dismay: “Well, obviously, you bimbo, it's a fucking painting!” I thought it was a very valid point: indeed it was a painting and paintings are by nature static, but I should not want to be so arrogant as to disengage fully from the social contract and think myself above all. After all, without imbecility there would be no genius. Mother, if you wish to take the test yourself, I will send you a link to the website. I will also show you how to block pop-ups on the website because they distract you from the actual test with lures of money prizes and love matches, as well as occasional pornographic pictures. This is a deliberate attempt to test your moral strictness and your ability to focus, but since you have no doubt as to the state of your soul, I suggest you stick to the intellectual test. I hope all is well with all of you. Tell Jimmie that although he may not be the smartest one, he will always be the tallest one, and thus I will always look up to him. Love, Your son. ×× Susan Li
AQUAMAN VS. JESUS the capilano courier
Charlie Black × Writer
volume
46 issue N o . 08
4608.indd 23
they'd be crazy as shit. MARSHALL: And Jesus would serve them up for dinner, cook them with some divine goddamn lightning! He's Jesus. Even if He did die, He'd be back in three days to slaughter Aquaman in round two, New Testament style. NICK: What about God, huh? Jesus is about to finish Aquaman off, then His dad calls down from the skies and says, “Thou Shall Not Kill” and shit. Then what? MARSHALL: Aquaman wins by default. NICK: Ha! Aquaman wins! MARSHALL: By default! NICK: Whatever man, he still wins. MARSHALL: That might just be sacrilegious. NICK: Why, because I'm going against Jesus? MARSHALL: No, because you're rooting for Aquaman. He's the fucking Ringo Starr of The Justice League. Just along for the ride.
×
NICK: Okay okay okay. Who do you think would win in a fight: Aquaman or Jesus? MARSHALL: Is it a land battle or a water battle? NICK: A water battle, dude. Aquaman would be fucked in a land battle. MARSHALL: Nick, dude. Don't tell me you're rooting for Aquaman here. NICK: Hear me out. Aquaman would be in his element. He'd summon his fish friends. How many of Jesus' apostles could swim? MARSHALL: Peter was a fisherman. NICK: So was that fuckin' guy from Jaws. MARSHALL: Jesus can walk on water. He can turn the water into wine and get Aquaman wasted. If he's calling his fish friends to fight for him, they'll all be drunk as fuck. NICK: Exactly! A swarm of fucking drunk fish,
× Comic by Theresa hardy
23
12-11-02 9:22 PM