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Donnie The Pickle Factory was the most popular kids show of the mid to late 80’s. The only problem was that it ran on public television, which meant we were contracted into accepting slave wages. Nobody made any money, except for Feldspar and his slime-ball partner, Sid, Sid what’s-his-name... I read something about him recently, that he just died in jail, or something... Mahtina Our schedule was intense. We worked an average of 12 hours a day, sometimes 7 days a week. By the time I’d get home I’d be too exhausted to sleep. And then before you knew it, it would be time to go back and do it all over again. But it was so much fun. I didn’t have to go to school. I got to wear all kinds of cool costumes. I learned to kick box, and got to beat up my brother. I got to ride yaks in parades. We rode our skate boards everyday. And with all that exercise, for the first and only time in my life, I was skinny... One year, they even made me Pickle Princess. Hayley was so jealous. Hayley Oh yeah, no doubt about it. That fruit juice they gave us to drink, it was spiked. Why else would Feldspar make sure we started each day off with a big glass of it? He used to call it our special “go juice.” Donnie We were everywhere. On t-shirts, posters, pajamas, coloring books, breakfast cereal. Saturday morning, weekday afternoons. Everyday, after school at 4:30. For half the kids out there we were a daily ritual. I meet people all the time and they can’t believe that I was Donnie. I tell them I still am Donnie... But by then it’s too late... I guess my proverbial fifteen minutes expired with the last bag of Pickleville Pretzel Puffs. Scotty You guys are so fucked. The Pickle Factory was the biggest pile of shit since Walt Disney puked up Mickey Mouse. What was it? A handful of overworked, drug-addled brats, pushed out into the spotlight in order to sell boatloads of cheap overpriced crap, manufactured by other overworked kids on the other side of the planet. Total exploitation every step of the way. The only advantage was that we, the trained monkeys known to America’s television heartland as ‘The Pickle Kids’, were lucky enough to have been born on the other end of the supply chain. Feldspar is a criminal. The worst kind. Belongs in a cage with Henry Kissinger and Dick Cheney. Shy and tentative, LUIS moves downstage holding a Captain America action figure. HE struggles to speak, fights frustration and distractedly returns to HIS cube. Mahtina It really was a tremendous learning experience. We were taught so many things. Singing, dancing, juggling, balancing those pointy red things on your head... Once I had to kiss a hedgehog... If I told you I loved every minute of The Pickle Factory, I’d be lying. I mean, as far childhoods go, there are plenty of worse experiences in this world than having been a Pickle Kid... But there is one thing... and I know this might sound silly, especially after all these years... But, those horrible pickle noses they made us wear, during the Pickleville part of the show... I still find them, incredibly upsetting... They still frighten me... I’m sorry, but, but that was just wrong. Feldspar The pickle noses! Yes... oh yeah, yeah. The pickle nose was Sid’s baby. He got the idea in the middle of the night. By now everybody knows the story, but OK, again, one more time... So Sid wakes up in the middle of the night, it must have been 3 or 4 in the morning actually. Morning, night, whatever. And Sid’s hungry. You know, you go to the kitchen and it’s dark and you open the refrigerator for a little snack. Well, Sid goes downstairs, and he opens the fridge, and there’s a jar of pickles. And bam! He sees it! All at once. A vision! Pickle Kids? Pickle nose! A kid with a pickle nose! Simple... Yeah. So how come nobody else came up with it? Say what you will about Sid Melnik, but the man was a genius.