Dating Dialogue

Moderated by Jennifer Mann, LCSW of The Navidaters

Hi!

Thanks for your column. My family loves to read it.

I was wondering if you have any advice to give me. I’m a 26-year-old

guy and have been dating for three years. When I started out, I wanted to

learn full time as long as possible. At this point, an opportunity came up for me to start working in a

friend’s startup company. My parents think it would attract the wrong dating crowd if I took this job before

I get married, and they say I should stay in learning full time for longer. To be honest, I’m really ready to move on.

What is the smartest way to move forward? Keep learning while dating and be burnt out? Or go with my gut

and take this job?

- Gavriel

Disclaimer: This column is not intended to diagnose or otherwise conclude resolutions to any questions. Our intention is not to offer any definitive conclusions to any particular question, rather offer areas of exploration for the author and reader. Due to the nature of the column receiving only a short snapshot of an issue, without the benefit of an actual discussion, the panel’s role is to offer a range of possibilities. We hope to open up meaningful dialogue and individual exploration.

Lisa Babich

Thank you for your question,

I hear and understand the difficulty of changing “career paths” mid dating/sidduchim. It is always so much harder before you have settled down with a family because the dating system forces us to fit perfectly into a category when in reality we are humans and not black and white pieces of paper. We have nuances to our personality and outlooks on life, and it is hard when we need to define exactly who we are for a shadchan or potential match constantly. That being said, this is the world and system you are in, and the question is what to do now.

I think there is only one route, which is to be true and honest to yourself and who you are. Pretending to be a fulltime learner when you are really ready to work won’t benefit you or a potential match. If a girl is truly looking for a full-time learner, she will be disappointed to find out that that is not truly her husband’s intention, and everyone will be frustrated. There are plenty of frum, temimasdik, ehrlich girls who are looking for a learner/earner.

I understand your parents’ concerns that you will get a different quality girl, however, you will be redt girls who are on the same page as you and that’s what every match should truly be. Hashem is in charge of who is redt to us, but there are so many wonderful people out there it’s hard for me to imagine that there are not high-quality girls who are not looking for a full-time learner. I trust Hashem will send them to you.

Of course, it is always delicate when talking with your parents about shidduchim. Oftentimes, children and parents have different views on what the match should look like, but I do feel if everyone is communicating in a respectful and open manner things can be ironed out more easily. That is not to say that there won’t be any friction, but I think just knowing that this can happen between the parent and child is half the battle.

This is a challenging time in one’s life but keeping an eye on the goal, which is finding the right match while also maintaining your middos and closeness with your parents, which will help you be true to yourself and stand up for what you need all while speaking in a respectful and understanding manner.

I wish you much hatzlacha,

Lisa

Michelle Mond

Thank you for writing in, Gavriel! It is very normal to feel like you have phased out of a time period in your life. I was just talking to a friend who left her field as a designer and is now finishing up her degree in something completely

different. Good for her for pursuing her dreams! It suited her for the time she did it, and gained a lot from it, and then moved on. I remember when my husband told me on his first day of medical school that there was an older gentleman who had worked as an architect for years before pursuing medicine. I wondered why he would want to suddenly accrue tons of student loans but otherwise felt very impressed that someone would leave a niche that no longer spoke to him and moved on to something completely different.

The same goes for young men who have phased out of learning, in my opinion. Personally, I do not think it is good for a man, spiritually, physically, or emotionally, to be doing something that is not fulfilling. A man should feel good about himself at the end of the day. He should feel respected, useful, responsible, and he should not feel guilty if this work happens to not be the work of learning full time. On the contrary, his learning can be even more meaningful after a day of fulfilling work and making a parnassa to iy”H support his family.

I cannot speak for your kibbud av va’em – I do think you should find a way to communicate this idea to your parents. Perhaps your rebbi or a mentor can help you get them to understand so there are no hard feelings. You are an adult who is capable of making his own decisions, and Hashem has complete faith in you. Your bashert will come along and respect you for making time to learn while earning a parnassa.

Tzipora Grodko

Hi Gavriel,

In a world filled with sheker, it’s so, so crucial to live a life of authenticity. The second we make decisions for the intentions of pleasing social expectations, we lose ourselves and the quality of our lives gets diminished. Especially in dating, it’s important to be honest with your current lifestyle in order to attract the right person that supports your current decisions and values. Hashem is going to pick out your wife, not the expectations of society based on what they deem as “respectable or important.”

The best investment you can make in your hishtadlus is to continue to make choices that lead to optimum self-development, honesty, and happiness!

You got this!

Dating and Relationship Coaches and Therapists The best investment you can make in your hishtadlus is to continue to make choices that lead to optimum self-development, honesty, and happiness.

Dr. Jeffrey Galler

You need to be honest with yourself. The question here is not whether you should keep learning, or whether you should start working, or whether you should try to do both.

The real, underlying question here is whether you should continue in an activity that you no longer enjoy, simply because your parents feel that it will attract the kind of girl that they want you to marry; or, should you start an endeavor that will give you gratification and enable you to attract the kind of girl who will share your new, evolving goals and aspirations.

You have already answered that question. You write that you’ve dated for three years without succeeding in finding your soulmate; that continuing what you’re doing could lead to “burnout”; and that your “gut” tells you to join the startup company.

It’s nice to respect the opinions of your parents and your rabbis, but you are the person who you will be spending the rest of your life with.

Dear Gavriel,

Thank you for writing into the column! Please keep in mind that you are the one that has to live with your decision every day. Not your parents and not anyone giving you advice. I can’t tell you what to do. It is for you to truly explore all potential outcomes. Do you want to attract “the type” that would be attracted to you if you’re learning full time? Do you want to attract “the type” that would be attracted to you if you are working full time? How will you feel if you pass up this opportunity? Do YOU care about the type you attract or do you want to live a fulfilled life and trust that the right woman will come along and be attracted to YOU? Lots to think about! I typically tell people to trust their guts (I hope that’s not interpreted as telling you what to do, lol) and you are not the exception to the rule. Explore your options, explore what is important to you, weigh and measure and ultimately... trust your gut.

Sincerely, Jennifer

Jennifer Mann, LCSW is a licensed psychotherapist and certified trauma healing life coach, as well as a dating and relationship coach working with individuals, couples, and families in private practice at 123 Maple Avenue in Cedarhurst, NY. She also teaches a psychology course at Touro College. To set up a consultation or to ask questions, please call 718-908-0512. Visit www. thenavidaters.com for more information. If you would like to submit a dating or relationship question to the panel anonymously, please email JenniferMannLCSW@gmail.com. You can follow The Navidaters on FB and Instagram for dating and relationship advice.