and Loneliness

Charlotte Whincup (she/her)

Alongside the societal pressure to date and get married that I so obviously feel, amatonormativity also manifests in well-meaning, yet uncomfortably presumptive, statements like ‘Do you have a partner yet?’, ‘Oh, you don’t? You just haven’t found the right person yet’ or ‘Don’t give up! There’s plenty of fish in the sea’ (don’t they know we’re living in a man drought? Lol).

This is something we all experience, regardless of whether you’re straight or queer. The fear of loneliness is what drives us to enter unhealthy or abusive relationships, and makes it almost impossible to leave them. But no one feels the damaging effects of this concept more acutely than aromantic, asexual, and non-monogamous people.

Amatonormativity places romantic love on a pedestal above other equally meaningful relationships, including friendships and familial bonds. If two people are dating, we usually say they’re ‘more than friends’ or conversely that they’re ‘just friends’. If you don’t experience romantic or sexual attraction, or experience it to a lesser degree than ‘normal’ (if you even understand this, I see you a-spec folks!), or are more into casual sex and open relationships, what hope do you have to live in this cost-of-living crisis we call a society? Single and polyamorous people aren’t granted government benefits relating to housing and taxes, despite only having one source of income, further pressuring people to become romantically entangled to ease economic pressures.

But the most distressing aspect of amatonormativity is the profound sense of loneliness and alienation. Whether people realise it or not, most of our conversations are centred around people’s love lives (and why the fuck is ‘love’ automatically considered romantic in this phrase?). From fellow students happily recounting how they got married on the weekend, to co-workers excitedly discussing who their latest crush is, to a friend absent-mindedly mentioning dinner plans made with their partner, it all gets to be a bit too much. That’s not to say that you should feel guilty for being in love, or refrain from speaking about romance altogether, but it bears to be mindful of your loved ones, and indeed strangers inadvertently eavesdropping, who don’t relate and are struggling to make peace with their identity in an amatonormative world.