Amatonormativity

As I inch closer and closer to my 21st birthday, I’ve been feeling particularly crummy. Why’s that, you ask? Well, apart from being generally considered a fully-fledged ‘adult’ by society (truly terrifying), I’ll be grappling with the knowledge that I’ve failed to achieve a certain milestone, the pinnacle of human existence: marriage – to a man, no less.

You see, my wonderful mum married my equally amazing dad on her 21st birthday, and they’ve been happily together ever since. While this might seem like a somewhat unusual case in 2023 (of course it’s considered perfectly acceptable nowadays for people, especially women, to delay or forgo marriage altogether. Actually scratch that, no it’s not), and my parents never held the expectation that I’d also adhere to this timeline, I can’t help but feel like a disappointment. Especially because I’ve never even been kissed. Or asked out. Ever (unless you count one marriage proposal at age 5 – which I don’t).

This has largely been by my own design, as I am generally disinterested in romance (the staunch feminist in me is cheering, ‘fuck all men, you don’t need no man’). Let me be clear, I am not asking to be pitied or seeking attention by divulging this information. I know my lack of romantic experience does not make me less of a human, nor does it decrease my value as a person. I have so much more to offer, like my fabulous sense of humour! Nevertheless, it still makes me feel so embarrassed, alienated, and unattractive. After all, if I am supposedly not ugly, why has no one ever shown so much as a sliver of interest in me in that way? Although admittedly I am not very good at reading people.

So who is to blame for having the gall to make yours truly (a strong independent woman) feel this way? A dickhead called ‘amatonormativity’ – that’s who.

Coined by philosopher Elizabeth Brake, in her book Minimizing Marriage: Marriage, Morality, and the Law (2012), amatonormativity is the widespread assumption ‘that a central, exclusive, amorous relationship is normal for humans, in that it is a universally shared goal, and that such a relationship is normative, in that it should be aimed at in preference to other relationship types.’