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Newsletter Date Volume 1, Issue 1

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Success in the run

George: Old coot? His real story.

On July 16th 2008, in Pierce, Minnesota, George Archer died of an unfortunate heart attack. Many appeared for his garden themed funeral, talking about a great man they once knew. Which led this reporter to wonder: Who is George Archer? George Archer was born in Aberdeen, Scotland. His father, Samuel Archer, was a farmer who lived on the outskirts of the city. Sources have stated that “one night the man stumbled into town drunker than an alcoholic on pay day”. That very night Samuel met a woman named Kitty Rivers, a prostitute from Dundee. The two quickly developed an infatuation with each other, and about a year later, Mrs. Rivers gave birth to a baby boy named George, after George Heriot, a Scottish goldsmith and philanthropist. Unfortunately, like all infatuations, the love faded. Kitty left Samuel for a homeless man named Zacharias. Samuel then had to raise George by himself, on his farm. Ridiculed by the townspeople for having a “whore mother”, George never obtained any friends and was condemned to a childhood of solitude. At the age of eighteen, he decided to go to America to try and get a new life. He moved to New-York first, there he attended Columbia university, and became a professional chiropractor. He opened his own clinic

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In 1969, George was a member of the force that executed Operation Menu, which was a secret bombing of Cambodia and Laos. George was placed on the front lines, his job was to clear the way for the bombers. George earned a nickname that day. “I’ve never seen such a monster in battle,” says one of George’s old squad members, “we stopped calling him George, and started calling him the thousand demon, because he almost took out one thousand men!” After the war, George returned to America, and with no desire to remain in New-York, he moved to California. There he met a man named James Keegan. James had Tourette's, and George was a mentally scarred individual, so the two obviously became the best of friends. George and James travelled California, and one day, George met the woman of his dreams. Penny Kettle was a paranoid schizophrenic from Fresno, California. George and James had volunteered at a mental institute called the Coalinga state hospital. They were doing some construction work when Penny tried to stab James, believing that James was going to murder her. “We’re lucky George was there, or we would have had a serious lawsuit on our hands,” says the old head administrator. The traumatic experience set off what became a blossoming romance between George and Penny. When Penny finally got released, the two and James went to Peirce, California to live the rest of their days. George and Penny had a beautiful baby girl, and it was the happiest time of their lives. But one day, tragedy struck. It seemed that the Archers were cursed to bad relationships. Penny’s paranoia acted up again and she became convinced that George was an alien from Jupiter trying to harvest her arm hairs. After being run over by their car, George had had enough. The two ended up getting a divorce. Whilst Penny returned to the Coalinga state hospital, George remained in Peirce. After a copious amount of consideration, George decided to become a gardener for hire. Using his old farming knowledge, he was rather good. But his divorce had left mental scars that would never heal. He became distant and unkempt, content to 3


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“When he started to become a victim of old age, George realized he would need help to continue his gardening. He decided to

Success in the run

to remain on the outskirts of his town. Due to this, the youth of Peirce named him “the old coot”, and spread rumors of his perilous deeds all over town. When he started to become a victim of old age, George realized he would need help to continue his gardening. He decided to take in those in need, and give them a place to stay, if they helped him with his gardening. “I finally had a home to stay in, even if it was only for a short time,” says John Bartelbee, one of George’s underlings. In his old age, George became quite a believer in reincarnation. He wrote within his will that he wished to be buried in his garden for the sake of becoming one of his precious plants. He spent the rest of his life simply existing, watching over his daughter and grand-daughter diligently. He was a damaged man that the world had chewed up and spit out. There you have it, the untold truth behind George Archer, a decorated hero of war, a father and a grandfather, and a man who was able to overcome life’s tragedies. May he rest in peace, not as an “old coot”, but as a courageous man, and may he always watch over us in Peirce as a glorious plant that will never wither. Rest in peace, George Archer. -Jonah Ellis-Carr

take in those in need, and give them a place to stay”

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The Truth behind Sam and Naomi's break up!

Sam and Naomi why the broke up: Breaking news, the hottest couple since Batman and Rachael have tragically and violently split up. But who is this couple you may ask? It is nun other than Mistria High’s Sam Carrier and Naomi Archer, and noticing this is troubling news, we all want to know why? Witnesses state Naomi was working at a strip club while she was with Sam. This, according to fellow peers, was supposedly mean to be kept as secret for 6 and a half years. Not only has this been brought To Sam attention, but while walking to McDonald’s he caught Naomi cheating with a homeless guy outside the building. This and with Sam grieving over his recently diseased ferret, has caused the couple to split up. But gossip-lovers, worry not! Sam and Naomi made vows, worked something out and are now back together like nothing happened before! Stay tuned for next week as we’ll tell you in on their date to Paris! By: Brandon Zelward

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Success in the run

Devon Hanson

He is a handyman to have, every household should have a Devon Hanson 2.0 To order call 1888HandyDev

Want to help protect your family from these people? If you want to help save your children call Hollywood Undead’s hot line at 1800undead

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MISTRISTA HIGH: SUCCESS IN THE RUN

Mitrista high was once known for the disastrous performances of its running team. But now, after years of failure, the running team has a winning streak of 47 1rst place trophies. As a gossip columnist, I am writing a feature article about the recent activity of Mitrista High school’s running team, because sometimes, one just needs to satisfy their curiosity.

But what is the secret of their success? Some say all the members of their team are now on steroids! Witnesses state that many of the players have become aggressive and short-tempered. This, along with the increase of their muscle mass, leads Mitrista High’s school nurse to suspect the heavy use of steroids. Parents have been informed to be aware and look out for any suspicious bottles of unidentified pills.

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But is it really drugs? Or could their copious amount of success be the results of their newest team member, Sam Carrier? Upon his return to Pierce, Minnesota, Sam Carrier had decided to become a member of the running team. Since his initiation, Sam has become the youngest quidditch seeker in the history of Hogwarts....I mean, the fastest captain of the running team in the history of Mitrista high. In conclusion, this reporter believes that Mitrista highs recent success is the result of black magic. The evidence is everywhere, the pentagram tattoos on their tongues, the rituals and chants before every running match, and of course, their pet gremlins.

All in all, I hope I’m not alone in congratulating Mitrista high in their success. And please, for gods sake, don’t sacrifice my flesh to the dark lord.

By: Madison G

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Choose ether A B OR C for a answer and find out who you are on the next page

1. Do you sweat a lot? A Yes B sometimes C No 2. Do you have a deep dark secret ? A Yes B Maybe C No 3. Are you in love? A Yes B Not sure C No 4. Do you have something else that your friends will never have? A Yes B Maybe C No 5. Have you ever experienced any difficulty with women/men? A Yes all the time B Often C No Answer and check the next page.

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Success in the run

Answers are here!

If you answered all (A’s) then you are Sam, the character that has turrets, that has troubles with women. If you answered all (B’S) you are Naomi the women who likes to play with Sam’s heart, you enjoy hurting people and have a deep dark secret that no one knows… If you answered all (C’s) You are a character that you can make up.. Or you could call it Bill or someone else form the book Hopefully you enjoyed this little quiz…

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Buy the blu ray edition and receive a free gift! Next page

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A M1 grand rifle.. (Replica not real)

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Usher

AND

William Will-I-Am

Live in New York! May 23 2010 14

Oh Snap!  

Here is my project for Jerk Californa

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