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www.xpatmag.com Editor-in-Chief Salvatore Paradisio

xpatmag@gmail.com

Managing Editor Matt Gibson

xpatmatt@gmail.com

Assistant Editor Paul Andrew

cheekytaiwan@yahoo.ca

Editor

Cindy Loo

taiwancindy@hotmail.com

Translation Rebecca Iris

Sales Manager Matt Gibson

Taichung Sales Rep Peggy Ho

peggy@xpatmag.com

Creative Director Randy Lahey

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Web Design Xpat Design

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Staff Photographers Chris Scott Steven Vigar Richard Matheson

www.exilephotography.com www.stevenvigar.com

Contributing Designers 73Minstrel Graphic Arts Annie Lin Steve Williams

www.73minstrel.com www.pixnet.net/cylin87

Ad Design Xpat Design

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Contributing Writers Chris Scott David Alexander Duncan MacIsaac Richard Matheson Preston Ramsay Edgar Styles

Contributing Artists Sam Brown Tim Davis Dennis Huang Cindy Lanteigne Danny Usher Steve Williams

Submissions Art Submissions Advertising Department Xpat Design Services

www.explodingdog.com

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Published by 漂流者出版社

Special Thanks to:

All of the businesses and volunteers that came through in a tough situation for the ‘Send Her Home’ fundraiser, the benevolent local establishments that sponsored the Golden Beach Cleanup as well as the swarms of trash pickers that descended on our beloved beach for the event, Darryl and Melissa for bringing home those hard to find listings, 73Minstrel for busting out sexy layout after layout in rapid fire order, Annie for riding the turbulence of our fastgrowing design company like bareback rodeo veteran, Emilie for supporting me in every way she could, Zack for on-point business support, all the other English/bilingual magazines (The Compass Group, The Taichung Voice, 24*seven, Highway 11, and Taiwanease) for keeping the publishing industry on the island super chill, Hud La Voos for helping out whenever they could, Sam Brown for answering my stupid nudity questions, Pressed for bringing a little damned culture to the beer guzzling ESL teachers of Taiwan, Dumei for being mad zen and wicked inspiring, Rebecca and Iris for translation duties, Peggy for the sales help, all of our sponsors because everybody wants to be an artist but nobody wants to pay for it, to Divebomb for playin’ free gigs, and to all the others who showed support, especially my girlfriend for not bailing out on me when I kept bailing out on her to work on this damned rag. The views expressed within are vulgar tactless globules of unverified information crudely reshaped into sad impersonations of journalism. They certainly don’t represent the views of Xpat Magazine or its culturally refined Editor-in-Chief.


From the Desk

had Manifestation of the “evil spell”: she omen bad a gum, upper her to d a tooth roote

Tyco execut ive Dennis Kozlowski’s brothe r-in-law’s defense for an extr avagant ba chelor party held for his so n with Tyco company mo ney: “It wa sn’t like a three-ri ng circus.. .there was only one dw arf.”

World Record for the longest “midget toss”: 11 feet 5 inches

1 Event at which the record was made: British Midget Tossing Championships 2002

Penalty in Onta rio, Ca da for natossing a midge “a fine t: of not more th $5,000 an or...im p risonme for a t nt erm of not mor than si e x month s, or b oth.”

Amount of money a professional tossing-dwarf can earn: more that $100,000 USD per year

Duration 1.14m-tall Manuel Wackenheim fought a French ban t on dwarf-tossing tha d: oye mpl une him t lef 2 years

The result: he lost Age of an East In dian girl who marr ied a dog to ward of f an “evil spell”: 9

For a complete list of sources visit our website at www.xpatmag.com

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The size of the dowry a Sudanese man paid to marry his neighbor’s goat: $15,000 Sudanese Dinars (approx. $50 USD)

g He was caught copulatin The reason behind it: he d ide dec ers lage eld with the goat, and vil ry and marry it dow a er own the pay must Last known status of the marriage: still together

Why a donkey is li ke a wife accordin g to a state approved We st Indian textbook for 14 year olds: “It has to toil all day, and, like her, may even have to give up food and water.”

e): Why a donkey is better than a wife (same sourc and ain compl imes somet may wife house the e “whil catch walk off to her parents’ home, you’ll never r.” maste his to yal the donkey being dislo

Number of donkey weddings in Madr as, India in 2003 in an attempt to bring rain: 5

of greenhouse gasses: New Zealand’s top producer ock est liv belching and flatulent

The governments initial proposed solution: a flatulence tax (later aba ndoned)

fornia Number of calls in 1998 Southern Cali about ing lain resident Al Niño received comp 100 than more her: his effect on the weat

Number of calls he receiv ed blaming him for a stranger’s daughter’s los s of virginity: 1

Number of calls he’s received thanking him for improving the weather: 1

World Record for longest tim e standing nude atop Mt. Everest: 3 min utes

Folly loves the martyrdom of Fame - Lord Byron

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Letter from the Editor

Eulogy I first met Jana Mattie the day she arrived in Taiwan. I last spoke to her the night she died. In between, my view of her went through a dramatic metamorphosis. She was, as I eventually realized, the most tragic person that I’ve seen flung around the interior of this mystical pinball machine called life. Those who didn’t know Jana, but heard of her death, will be quick to attribute her demise to her own folly because she drove while drunk headlong into a bus. But they’re wrong. I want to dispel this perception with this story. Jana’s death was not a result of folly, but of tragedy of the greatest proportions. The night I met Jana I damned near fell in love with her—the new girl with the long reddish hair and straight cut bangs that topped neon blue eyes and a petit nose and mouth. She looked like a small town hippie girl in her cutoff jeans and blue tank top. She wore no make up and didn’t need it. She had the kind of natural beauty that exuded the same vitality and joy when playing with her students at work in the middle of the afternoon, as it did when she stepped out of the nightclub, exhausted and worn into the early morning light – a simple beauty that would have mellowed gracefully with age. I was introduced to her immediately after she arrived because she was good friends with my close friend Darlene. Darlene and Jana both were from Canada’s east coast. Darlene embodied down-home, small-town kindness and constantly took in strangers who’d just arrived in Taiwan including myself and my girlfriend when we arrived. I expected that Jana would be similar. She was. She was the greatest listener I ever met. She listened with the unassuming sincerity and cheer that is the charm of the stereotypical small town girl. When you talked with her she would fix her blazing blue eyes on yours and all things peripheral would become misty and fade until the only things that mattered were you and Jana’s powerful, enchanting eyes. That first night the universe faded and all that existed were Jana’s eyes, and myself, out on the balcony, away from the party, smoking cigarettes, drinking, and talking for over an hour. Later that night we shared Darlene’s guest bed (only sleeping) before waking in the early afternoon and lying in bed and talking for another hour.

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At the time I was in the process of starting up Xpat Magazine and didn’t go out much, so I didn’t see Jana again for several months. When I did run into her it was usually in passing, a hello in the bar or on the street. But the impression she had made on me remained strong. So, when my school needed a new teacher, and I heard that she was unhappy with her job, I called her immediately with the aim of convincing her to quit her buxiban and come to work at mine. She agreed. Jana fit easily into my work and was quickly absorbed into my circle of friends. Shortly thereafter I started having problems with my girlfriend. I’d come to work upset and sit in the backroom with Jana and drain all my problems out into her intense sapphire eyes. This was when we were closest. Jana loved nothing more than to listen to the problems of others. She was a fountain of empathy.

“the univers e would fade u ntil the only thi ngs that mattered were you and Jana ’s powerful, en chanting eyes” That autumn Jana met a kitesurfer named Chris and fell in love. Just as I’d come to her to talk about my relationship problems, she told me about hers. At first, her problems were normal. She was worried about Chris talking to another girl, or concerned that he didn’t care for her as much as she did for him. You’re worried about nothing, I told her, I’m sure everything is fine. But, as my troubles dissipated, Jana’s remained. Her worries about Chris and other girls grew into paranoia – she harbored baseless suspicions that things were happening between Chris and some of her best girlfriends, most of whom had long-term boyfriends. It wasn’t long before I realized that her paranoia was worst when she was drunk, and that she got drunk often. Both problems were highlighted at a friend’s

Folly is the direct pursuit of happiness and beauty - George Bernard Shaw

quiet, weeknight birthday party. In the midst of the soft background music, and sedate conversation, Jana, drunk, suddenly tossed back her head and let fly an unworldly, Joplinesque howl, which she held for a moment before dropping her head into her chest. I found out later that she’d done it in anger because she thought that Chris was flirting with the birthday boy’s girlfriend of four years when, in fact, it was she who was trying to make polite conversation with Chris because he didn’t know anyone there. Many of us started to worry about Jana. It was around this time that Jana first spoke to me about her drinking. She asked if I thought it was a problem. I told her it was. We talked about it many times. Jana knew that her problems were often caused, or at the very least inflamed, by alcohol, but she was unable to quit. The xpat lifestyle didn’t make it easy for her, either. Our friends spent at least one or two nights a week in the bar if not more. How does one spend time with a group of people when one is trying to quit their primary source of recreation? She resolved to try to drink less, but it was difficult. She tried taking up smoking a pipe instead. We’d go and buy pipe tobacco together. You know that really good, fragrant, dark pipe tobacco that so many foreigners here enjoy? We’d buy a lot, enough to last me for three or four months smoking daily. She’d finish hers in less than a week. I came to see that Jana’s paranoia grew from her substance abuse, which in turn stemmed from a deep-seated insecurity. It was different from the usual trivial insecurities that most of us harbor. It was more like a general distrust of herself. I was sure that this trait had not developed in her naturally. It was too extreme. I was positive that it must have been etched into her by some form of prolonged abuse. I mentioned this to some our friends and my suspicions were confirmed. She had confided in several of them lengthy stories of callous abuse. I will not describe this further. I will say only that it is a most tragic story. It was awful to think that she, one of the most caring people I’ve ever met, hated herself. She was a wonderful soul and everyone realized it except for her. All too often the kindest and most sincere people among us are so gentle because they’ve

Xpat Magazine


endured the most abuse and value themselves the least. Then, when Jana was least prepared to cope, she was struck by a tragedy from which she never recovered. One Saturday night, at the pub, Chris broke up with her dealing a crushing blow to her already fragile ego. Then, early one morning a few days later, Chris was found neardead on a road in Anping. The details of the accident are unclear. There were no witnesses. But it was known that he had been drinking. He died at the scene of the accident. Jana spiraled in a world of paranoia, self-doubt and pessimism. It began to seem like she couldn’t make a decision for herself. She would ask everyone within earshot their opinion on the most trivial choices. She lived in perpetual fear that she would do the wrong thing. She obsessed about Chris saying that they were meant to be together. He was the ‘one’, and she looked forward to the day when she could see him again. She also started getting very angry when she was drunk. One night, she broke the glass out of a friend’s hand in an aggressive “cheers”. Another time she attacked two acquaintances for trying to help her when she was stumbling down the stairs. Scuffles with concerned friends over her scooter keys became increasingly common. Jana’s friends were getting fed up, and she was getting more and more self-destructive. Shortly after Jana died one close friend told me a secretively, “there’s a lot of guilt going around for the way people felt about Jana when she died.” She was right. I felt it too. A couple of months before she died I began to loathe seeing Jana at work. I’d become tired of placating her need for guidance and reassurance. Our conversations had deteriorated into little more than awkward, forced pleasantries. Many of our friends felt the same way. She’d upset many of them and was becoming alienated from the group. One week before she died, a few days after she’d assaulted our friends for trying to help her down the stairs, she came over to Dan’s house. The three of us had a somber talk about her drinking. Dan told her gently that she needed to slow down. I wasn’t so kind. I told her that if she didn’t quit she would lose all of her

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friends. I told her that people talked about her. I was frustrated after taking the gentle approach in so many conversations before this. I felt that only way to drive the point home was to hammer it in like a nail. I was cruel. That was the last time that Dan saw her alive. The last time I talked to Jana was Saturday afternoon. She called me to ask about my plans for the evening. I couldn’t get off the phone fast enough. I was downright cold.

d an“My dream ha ’s inswered Hamlet query” l a t r o m s u o m a f The next morning I woke up to my cell phone. When I glanced at the screen I saw that I had twenty missed calls. I answered it. It was the head teacher from my school. She told me that Jana had been in an accident and was in the University hospital – the same one that Chris was taken to just a few months earlier. Jana had left the bar by taxi early that morning. She was supposed to go to her friend’s house to stay the night. But when she arrived, instead of going in to sleep, she got on her scooter. She started driving home in the light rain around 7am. She was driving extremely fast. She turned left at a major intersection as a bus slowly entered it from the opposite direction. She hit the bus nearly head on. Her helmet flew off and the bus, unable to stop, ran over her abdomen and crushed it. I called Dan. We rushed to the hospital. We were ushered into the ICU where Jana was. We saw her head and belly swollen from internal bleeding, her eyes half open and empty. The only thing keeping her alive was life support. Jana was the first person I’d known to die. I didn’t feel bad about her death. I told myself that it wasn’t surprising. It was only a matter of time. I didn’t cry.

an hour until I forced myself to stop so I could teach a class. A few days later I had a vivid dream. I was in an SUV. Jana was driving. We were driving south on a highway across the flats at the base of the mountains in Tainan County. Billowy clouds crawled across the bright sky. Sunlight flooded the truck. I looked at Jana. She was relaxed, with a small, content smile, one left hand on the wheel and right hand on the center console. She looked over at me smiling and silent, as we sped across the lush, green plains. I slid my left hand under her right. Then I covered it with my other hand and got lost in her enchanting blue eyes for the last time. When I awoke I felt an immense serenity settle inside of me. I remembered the simple, pure goodness that Jana had personified when I first met her and I realized how the monumental suffering that had been yoked to her soul had lead to her decline. My dream had answered Hamlet’s infamous mortal query: “to be or not to be…to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune or…to die: to sleep”. If death could be like my dream, if death could be contentment, or even if death could be simple eternal nothingness, then Jana is fine because she no longer needs to suffer the abuses that this existence heaped on her so generously. She’s free now. Now that I realize this I feel better, and I believe that Jana does too. Sorrow is for the living. You will be missed by many Jana Mattie, but no longer by me because I know that you’re doing all right. May you rest in peace sister. No one deserves it more. Love, Matt

Then, the following Thursday afternoon, as I sat in the office of my buxiban correcting papers, a heavy sadness began to slosh around inside me like water in an aquarium in an earthquake. I began to sob quietly. The only other teacher in the office left discreetly. I cried silently for

There is no greater folly in the world than for a man to despair - Miguel de Cervantes

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The Homefront

The Tale of the Exploding Whale Dozens of curious genitalia watchers soaked in cetacean innards by Matt Gibson

Tainan - On Jan. 29, 2004, the largest whale ever recorded in Taiwan exploded on a busy Tainan city street drenching cars, storefronts, and bystanders with rotten blood and entrails. It was awesome. Two weeks prior to this event, a boat struck the whale, severing its spinal nerves and rendering it paralyzed. During the following weeks it drifted into shallow water. The mammal was nearly dead when it was found beached on Jan. 24 and died before help arrived. It took 13 hours, three large lifting cranes, and 50 workers to load the 17-meter (56-foot) behemoth onto a trailer bound for the Sutsao Wild Life Reservation Area for an autopsy. According to the Taiwan News, more than 600 local spectators, including food and drink vendors, braved the chilly winter weather to watch the operation.

The whale was being transported through the center of Tainan when it burst amid throngs of spectators showering all with blood and cetacean innards. Professor Wang Chien-ping of the National Cheng Kung University performed the autopsy. “Because of the natural decomposing process, a lot of

gasses accumulated,” Wang explained. “And when the pressure build-up was too great, the whale’s belly exploded,” he added “What a stinking mess,” said one resident. “This blood and other stuff that blew out on the road is disgusting, and the smell is really awful.” The whale eventually made it to the Sutsao Wild Life Reservation Area where over 100 Tainan residents came to see it. According to the Taipei Times newspaper, most of the visitors were jealous Taiwanese men who wanted to experience the size of the whale’s 1.6-meter (fivefoot) penis, that looked like “a thick water pipe”. How these men actually experienced this beast’s admirable genitalia, and whether any charges were laid, is unknown. Throughout the following year, Professor Wang completed a bone and organ presentation that remains on display at the Tai Jiang Cetacean Museum.

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Folly is wont to have more followers and comrades than discretion - Miguel de Cervantes

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From the Road the Phils in the high season. Getting there was no problem, but my return flight wasn’t booked – I’d settle that when I got there. You can often fly to the Phils for less that NT $9,000, even during Chinese New Year. You should reserve a seat two weeks to a month in advance—both to and from your destination because, if you don’t, you’ll run into horrible holiday hassles trying to book a return-seat on an open 30-day flight ticket.

Have you ever been really sick for an extended period, like death warmed over? It happened to me last year. I’d never been so ill in my adult life. It was later diagnosed as a mild case of pneumonia, but it felt like the superflu with a wicked cough that prevented me from sleeping. It lasted for weeks. Thank heavens for my girlfriend who never once complained about nursing me back to health – not to mention my no-sexdrive, no-fun, sick-as-adog state of health. She did everything and I can’t thank her enough. During this time, I never missed a day of work, although in retrospect, I should’ve called in sick. I hadn’t missed a day or come in late in my first contract year teaching ESL, and with only a month remaining I didn’t want to ruin my perfect record. The funny thing was, nobody seemed to notice that I was practically a zombie muddling through my lessons. I just wanted to make it to Chinese New Year when my contract would end and I’d take a holiday in the Philippines.

worse. But they did. The weeks went by and after a few miserable visits to the health clinic (where nobody spoke English and everyone seemed to stare at the sick white boy), my fortune turned: I started feeling better. Though I still had an evil cough, my back was in pain, and I soon would have the hassle of moving house between teaching contracts, I looked forward to a week in the Philippines enjoying some well-deserved R&R. I would convalesce under the palm trees, toes in the sand, cold drink in hand, island girls pampering me at my command. If you want a cheap holiday, the Philippines (the Phils), is only an hour’s flight from Taiwan. It’s a cheap alternative to Thailand. I’ve been

When Chinese New Year finally arrived, I was still sick but hoping to recover at my favorite hideaway: Sabang. It’s a little known village in the Phils near the larger port town of Puerto Galera, which itself is a mere speck on the map. Both these places are located on Mindoro Island. You

cannot fly to this island. You must take one of the many passenger boats or Fast Cat ferries that make regular runs every day from Batangus Pier, which is about 90 minutes by bus from the capital city, Manila.

“Because my contract had expired, my multiple-entry visa had too”

In addition to my illness, I somehow managed to sprain my lower back—an incredible feat considering my inactivity. Every time I coughed (which was a lot), my back screamed in pain. Things really couldn’t have become

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to both of these tropical destinations and I prefer the Phils. The hotels are less expensive, the people speak much better English, and the Phils are less touristy. It’s not a backpacker’s paradise like Thailand. That’s why I like it: everything is cheap and untouched by the hordes of tourists. The only thing that bothered me was that I was visiting

It sounds complicated, and it is if you don’t know what you’re doing. The Philippines is not set-up for the convenience of tourists. The Philippines is a third-world country where unemployment is rampant, squatter villages common and many people living on less than $2 a day. But, they do what they can and other tourist hot spots such as Boracay, Cebu and Subic City fare a little better.

Young men think old men are fools; but old men know young men are fools - George Chapman

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Scuba diving brings plenty of Europeans and ESL teachers to the Phils. Diving is cheap and most hotels have their own dive shops. Sabang is no different in this regard. The price of a single room at a three-star hotel with a pool and amenities with incredible ocean views is US$20 per day or less. You can pick from a dozen nice hotels along the beach, most of them quiet with nice views. The village isn’t far from the hotels and has even cheaper lodging in smaller rooms, though not nearly as nice. I felt ill during the 90-minute bus ride and 60-minute boat ride to Sabang, but I knew that a week in paradise would fix my health. During the first few days I felt my health improving. I pampered myself with quiet mornings and lazy afternoons, not letting loose until the evening. Sabang has several pubs and dance bars, plenty of expats to talk to and many nice restaurants, most of which are along the beach. It’s a vibrant location with worldclass beaches a

short boat-ride away. I was taking advantage of all of this when my health took a serious turn for the worse. Even though my overall health was getting better, my cough remained the same. One night in my room, while I was smoking something other than a cigarette, I had the worst coughing fit of my life. In the morning, one of my eyes was red. I thought it was an infection from my con-

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tact lens but I was wrong. Luckily, I found a clinic in Sabang and the doctor prescribed some mild eye drops. My eye seemed to get better that day. But the next day it was worse and I returned to the clinic. The doctor was fine, but this was not her area of expertise. My eye soon looked like a cherry on my face and the last six days of my holiday were ruined. In the meantime, I had been trying to reserve a seat on a return flight to Taiwan. I spent an extra week in the Phils for lack of space on a flight. Meanwhile, my eye kept getting worse. When I returned to Manila, I saw an eye specialist who

“My eye soon looked like a cherry on my face” misdiagnosed my condition. To say I was miserable would be an understatement. I was heading back to Taiwan in worse shape, aesthetically, than when I left. And unbelievably, things got worse.

ing the flight. Thankfully, the doctor said I was fine, but I still had to argue with a rather large man looming around the airline check-in area about not having an ongoing ticket. They finally agreed to let me buy a ticket to Hong Kong immediately after my flight landed in Taiwan. Before I could pass though customs and immigration in Taiwan, I had to seek out the airline employee who would be waiting for me, buy the ticket from him or her, and then proceed through immigration. When we landed in Taiwan, nobody seemed to be looking for a white man with a swollen red eye. So, being the good guy that I am, I called the airline and asked them what to do. The woman told me to simply go through immigration without a visa. It worked. The officer who saw me through stamped my passport for 30-days without hesitation. All that haggling at the Philippines airport for nothing.

I went straight to the hospiBecause my contract had tal when I arrived in Tainexpired, my multiplean and received excellent entry visa had too. I care from a wonderful doctried to talk my way tor. I found out that during onto the flight despite my coughing fit, I ruptured a not having an on-goblood vessel behind my eye ing ticket from Taiwan that bled internally, causing (a requirement for all my eye to appear infected. visa-less entries). And although I would still be The airline staff walking around with a very would have none of it: red and tender eye for the they refused to let me next few weeks, it never felt board better to be home. On ce yo u cle ar my cu sto ms flight. On top of that, they took one look at my ever-reddening eye and told me I now needed a clean bill of health from the airport doctor. Now I had two strikes against me for board-

at th e Ma nil a ma in ga te an d ai rp or t, lea ve th as k fo r th e me ro ug h th e ter ta xis . So me lis h wil l be th er bo dy wh o sp ea e to he lp yo u. ks En gTa ke a ta xi to th Ho tel . Ro om s ar e Cit y Sta te To e no rm all y ar ou we r nd US $2 0 pe r no t ge t a ro om nig ht . Eve n if yo he re , it wil l be u ca n yo ur ju mp ing -o an d th er e ar e ff a do ze n oth er po int fo r Sa ba ho tel s in th e im ng , mu st ta ke th e me dia te ar ea . bu s fro m th e Cit Yo u y Sta te at 9 a. Pie r. Fro m th er m. to ge t to Ba e, yo u wil l be ta ng us gu ide d to th e bo to Pu er to Ga ler at th at wil l ta ke a/ Sa ba ng . Th e yo u co st is les s th an US $10 fo r ev er yt hin g. Wh en yo u ar riv e in Sa ba ng , th er e ar e nu me ro us ho tel s ju st a sh or t wa lk fro m th e bo at lau nc h. I su gg es t th e Vil la Sa ba ng (re se rve in th e hig h se as on at vsa ba ng 03 @ ya ho o.c om an d to co nf irm yo ur ro om wh en yo u ar riv e in Ma nil a ca ll 917 -5 62- 02 14) . In th e of f- se as on , yo u sh ou ld no t ne ed to bo ok ah ea d. If th e Vil la Sa ba ng is no t to yo ur liki ng , ta ke a loo k ar ou nd . Mo st ho tel s ar e ine xp en siv e wit h a nic e be ac h vie w.

To stumble twice against the same stone, is a proverbial disgrace - Ci-

19


Mediums

ohsiung The Follies of Kader By David Alexan Pawl English Photography by Chris Scott and

When a Roman villa is found in Rome it’s just a building. But when it’s found in Malibu, where the Getty Museum recently re-opened a facility in which to show some of its collection, it’s an architectural folly, “not a trivial object but a noble act of historical connoisseurship…” When an Italian Campanile (bell tower) is found on a town square in Italy it’s part of the charm. But when it houses a water tower for the giant recreational facility at Jones Beach on Long Island, it’s also an architectural folly, though not necessarily one of “historical connoisseurship.” Are there architectural follies in and around Kaohsiung? Before nominating some examples that qualify, one must eliminate entire categories of construction from consideration. The elaborate rooflines of folk religion temples and gargantuan red crosses that adorn some Christian church-

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es might be seen as follies, but they are beyond criticism because their design is a matter of faith. Last summer while on a boat tour of Sun Moon Lake, a Christian gentleman of my acquaintance pointed to a large ornate temple on a lakeside headland. He suggested the beauty of the natural landscape had been compromised by the temple’s placement there. I asked if he would have felt the same way had the building been a church? He admitted that he would have felt differently. The architecture of any religious group may appear as nothing more than folly to an outsider whose opinion is colored by a different faith.

Monuments also raise problems when discussing follies. Their construction and placement are most significant to those who have, for various personal and political reasons, erected them. At Alishan in the mountains of Chia-yi County there is a tall pillar topped by a statue of Generalissimo Chiang Kai-shek, Taiwan’s former military dictator. The date of its dedication (dare we say consecration?), engraved on the base clearly indicates that it was put up during the days when Chiang’s party, the KMT, ruled Taiwan unopposed. But the deteriorated condition of the statue, the marble panels falling off the pedestal, the cracked masonry of the surrounding benches and the weeds in the flowerbeds tell a different story. Those persons who were tasked to maintain this shrine, like many others in Taiwan, have ceased to care about “the Gimo.” In consideration of architectural follies in Kaohsiung we will steer away from tributes to former dictators.

Folly is like the growth of weeds, always luxurious and spontaneous; wisdom, like flowers, requires cultivation - Hosea Ballou


an architectural folly A few hundred meters But we begin with a south of it on Cheng Kung (is ), “not a trivial object monument. It is a spaceRd., is another sort of ship that stands on the bu t folly, a no a horticultural ble act of historitriangular piece at the one. Next to a rather cal connoisseurship…” intersection Chung Cheng nondescript stretch of Rd. and Wu Fu Rd. just road between vacant lots service clubs east of the Kaohsiung Culand a railroad track is that paid for its erection, tural Centre. Before the sura tree trimmed in the shape it serves no functio n. Out of rounding trees grew up to enof a duck. It has no purpose harmony with Kaohsiung around gulf it in perpetual shade it other than fun, and, in that it, the spaceship is a folly. was a prominent piece of urmanner, perfectly serves the ban construction. Now, apart function of a folly. Kaohsiung will eventually be from bearing the names home both to a metro system of the South of Kaohsiung, past the and a trolley loop. Since airport and past the inmuch of the metro is to be dustrial wasteland of Chiunderground in the city na Steel, is an interseccenter, little can now be tion where the road turns seen except for evidence left to Kenting and right to of digging. The trolley “Red Hair Port”. The latter tracks, put in decades ago is where the “Kao Zi Tower” for freight services of stands next to the southern the Taiwan Railway Adminentranc e to the Kaohsiung istration, are already in harbor. This building, shaped place and serve not only like the Chinese ideograph freight, but also the “Kao”, was built to beautify “DuDu Train” which offers a tour and snacks. At the an extremely ugly part of Kaohsiung’s history of infoot of Sin Guang Road, dustria l development. Rather in a facility-under-delike putting lipstick onto a velopment to be known as the Sin Guang Wharf, the pig, it failed to do much for trolley station is ready the area when it was built. Now that the ship breaking for service. It looks yards have been removed and like something from the 1960’s cartoon show The the soot spilled into the air by the nearby coal-fueled Jetsons and qualifies, power plant is controlled, as does a Roman villa the area is less wasted, and in Malibu, as a folly. the tower houses a coffee shop.

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The folly of others is ever most ridiculous to those who are themselves most foolish - Oliver Goldsmith

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The Follies of Kaohsiung cont’d is named. If you go to the Urban Spotlight and stand on the corner of Chung Shan Rd. and Wu Fu Rd. and look south you can see the Mountain Building across from Mega 21 (where Chung Shan Rd. meets I Sin Rd.). Perched atop it is what appears to be an openwork pyramid. Or is it a mountain? Perhaps it might best be termed a “pyratain” folly. Heading north? Ride a local train toward Tainan. When it stops at Nan Tze take a look out of the left (west) side of the train. You’ll get a glimpse of a building only four floors high, but made to appear, to those standing directly in front of In the ‘80s the people of Kaohsiung owned an urban landscape filled with functional edifices (I hesitate to call this architecture Stalinist, though it is almost as ugly). That’s when designers began to add items of fancy to the upscale buildings that developers and real estate moguls commissioned them to create. One can only imagine what visions of Dolly Parton or Carol Doda were in the minds of those who, in the ‘80s, proposed and approved the large protrusions on the front of the building at 201 Min Sheng First Rd. As time passed art and architecture moved on and follies moved upwards. In the ‘90s “imitation Eiffel Towers” came to grace the Moon Rhine Building beside the Love River and the Whisby Building at the corner of Chung Cheng Rd. and Min Tsu Rd. The latter resembles a bottle of the working-class tonic for which the building

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lege, then a technical college and now a university. Buildings have been added, but the tower and turret motif has not been abandoned. Though not quite medieval, the place certainly looks out of place along the rail line just south of the Lu Chu station. After taking the folly tour, it is pleasant to go somewhere for a relaxing drink. Try the British Consulate building, an 1865 construction on the headland at Shi Tze Wan, if you can take the climb. Though not an architectural folly, you will find a beautiful building, a great view and a pleasant breeze.

I hesitate to call this architecture Stalinist, though it is almost as ugly it with blurry vision, five floors high. The illusion may work for the neighbors who live across the street, but for the thousands who pass through the station every day and see it from its side, it is a “Potemkin” floor. Years ago the prominent political family from Kaohsiung County who own and operate the Kao Yuan Institute of Technology, expanded their high school and built a new campus near Lu Chu. Either the architect or the owner was fond of turrets and towers, so the corners of the first building were “graced” with them. As the years have passed the high school grew into a junior col-

Those who wish to appear wise among fools, among the wise seem foolish -

Quintilian

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The Homefront

A Day in the Life of a Cellphone Owner By Paul Andrew

Artwork by Danny Usher

I was very excited the day I bought my new cell-phone because I became one of more than 2 billion people around the world who own one of these wonderful things. Is there life without a cell-phone? I hardly think so. My cell-phone completes me. Later that day, after entering all the numbers from my ancient cell, I saw a gal I know whom I really want to date. Just then, my phone rang. It was my editor calling to discuss a problem with the magazine. The gal soon lost interest and politely excused herself. A little later on, I saw a couple of xpat friends enjoying lunch together and thought it would be nice to join them. As soon as I settled down for a nice lunch, my cell-phone rang. It was my folks calling from Canada. I talked with them for 15 minutes, forgetting my friends at the table. After I hung up, I realized I was late for work and left having not exchanged more than a few sentences with my friends. I hope I didn’t make them feel unimportant.

ing is impeccable, always calling me to discuss extra work or subs less than five minutes before my classes start. After a frustrating conversation, I began my first of three adult conversation classes. Forty minutes into the class, deep in the heart of a lesson that the students were sucking up like sponges, a woman’s cell-phone began its 100-decibel musical ringing. She couldn’t find it in her purse so she ran out of the classroom, noisily opening and slamming the door, just to answer the call. I tried to re-capture the mood. After class I headed out to my favorite café to enjoy some milk-tea and a sandwich and read the paper. It was fine until a man with a booming voice sauntered over and stood directly behind me while he talked on his cell-phone. It seemed to be a one-sided conversation because there were precious few breaks in his chatter. It finally ended, but only when I had to go back to work. I was expecting an important call from a guy regarding an interview for an article to be in Xpat, but later realized that I can’t pick up a single cellular signal within the depths of my school. I missed the call – I missed the deadline. The guy got all huffy and gave the story to another magazine. The story ended up generating massive media attention for the other magazine and earned an award for investigative journalism.

As I was driving to work, there was a guy on a scooter in front of me talking on his cell-phone and holding an umbrella while trying desperately to keep his dog on the front of his scooter. The helmet-less driver then weaved into me, scraping the paint off my newly painted scooter and yelling something in Hakka before driving off. I finally made it to work only to have my supervisor call my cell (the ‘manager’ at my school is never around). My supervisor’s tim-

She veered into a guardrail and rolled her vehicle several times before it finally stopped. A nurse stopped and gave emergency care to the woman and her six-year-old daughter. The woman’s arm was severed at the elbow. It was found a short distance away still clutching the cell phone. Both occupants were wearing seatbelts.

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Source: LEXTV, Lexington, Kentucky, U.S.A

Answer not a fool according to his folly, lest thou also be like unto him. Answer a fool according to his folly, lest he be wise in his own conceit - The Bible

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Essay

The

Rise and Fall of Empires By Chris Scott

e bl

to

do

to a is an ike l e m on a ld ” at be wou od. te h t to e g ar n p l a o al is t be ona ha to n B do t o l s eo “T al i pol do Na o T

do

H

uman history has seen the rise of numerous empires, each larger and more powerful than the last and every one of them has collapsed catastrophically under its own weight or that of its foes. Since WWII, the United States has been funding guerilla groups, toppling governments and engaging in no end of other unconscionable activities, trying to build the world’s next empire. But, as was every other empire before her, she’s doomed to failure because empires are inherently flawed. Lest you think U.S. downfall will spring from the ‘intellectual limitations’ of its leadership, here we’ll examine an emperor who was unlikely to sprout such wisdom as “Never again...do I want to have to make explanations that I can’t explain.” Napoleon Bonaparte was an ambitious, charismatic, intellectual giant. He worked 18 to 20 hours a day and forsook his bed for up to three days when fighting was intense. He‘d often plan strategies for upcoming battles months in advance. On a campaign in 1805, a French officer had misplaced his unit and was searching through a stack of maps when Napoleon came to him, informed him of the unit’s present location, its location for the following three days, the unit’s status, and the officer’s entire military record. He pulled this information from his knowledge of an army of two hundred thousand men, with every one on the move. Yet Napoleon’s empire lasted all of 20 years. Imperialism is fundamentally flawed in three ways: 1) It requires a state of near unending war and expansion to support itself, bring public opinion in

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To your folly add bloodshed, and stir the fire with the sword - Horace

Xpat Magazine


line with the leadership, and justify the otherwise illegal propagation of power at home. 2) As empires gain influence in the world other nations inevitably resist. 3) A sense of arrogance and complacency sets into the leadership, when sitting on top of the world, undermining the ambitious mindset that built the empire in the first place. Flaw #1: Emperors use external threats to justify otherwise illegal control over citizens government Empires seem to exist for the sole purpose of making war. Military conquest adds territory and resources to an empire. It also serves a vital function at home. Citizens in a state of armed struggle against implacable enemies are willing to accept assaults upon their civil liberties that they would not permit in peacetime. Napoleon had a well-developed propaganda machine that kept the French populace in constant fear of its “hostile” neighbors. When Napoleon rigged the plebiscite electing him to the post of First Consul, it was not challenged. Rather, the citizenry were relieved that the one man who could “save” France was now its leader. Later, in 1804, when a plot to assassinate Napoleon was discovered, he ordered the kidnapping of the alleged mastermind, the Duc d’Enghien, from neighbouring Baden. French police secretly crossed into Baden in violation of that country’s sovereignty, and returned with the Duc to Paris where, after learning that he had nothing to do with the plot, Napoleon changed the charges against him to bearing arms against France. D’Enghien was tried without legal counsel by a secret military tribunal, found guilty, and executed next to a grave that had been dug for

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him well in advance. Napoleon then used this episode to justify reinstalling the system of hereditary monarchy in France with, of course, himself as emperor less than twenty years after the French Revolution had disposed of the undemocratic system and handed power to the people. This barely raised an eyebrow in France, but to her free neighbours it was a shocking example of Napoleon’s disregard for law, and helped to convince them that he must be stopped. Flaw #2: Empires make enemies than friends

more

An empire may have the world’s largest military or the most advanced weapons, but as it expands so does its list of enemies. Countries that have little in common will always unite to resist hegemony. In Europe, none of France’s neighbours could stand up to her alone. A population explosion in the decades before and after the French Revolution had swelled the ranks of fighting-age men allowing Napoleon to assemble massive armies. Combined with his tactical brilliance, they proved to be, at least initially, unstoppable. Only by forming multi-country coalitions could the rest of Europe hope to restore balance and protect their interests. Seven such coalitions formed over the years to meet Napoleon on the battlefield. They usually involved some combination of Britain, Prussia, Russia, Sweden, Austria, Spain, and Portugal. The first five were crushed by the French juggernaut.

Initially Napoleon chose his battles carefully, attacking only weak countries that held territory valuable to the empire. As his list of victories grew, Napoleon became sloppy and began indiscriminately picking fights with any country over any slight – real or imagined. His first such mistake was the attempted invasion of Portugal. Unable to attack England directly after losing his fleet at Trafalgar, Napoleon decided to starve the British into submission by banning all their products from Europe. But outlawing products from newly industrialized England in the 1800s would be like trying to ban all goods made in China today—not likely to succeed. A large-scale smuggling trade blossomed moving mostly through Britain’s ally, Portugal. Napoleon’s solution was to invade Portugal. The Spanish were deeply unsatisfied with their king. Hoping to benefit from the revolutionary ideals of liberty, equality, and fraternity, they initially supported Napoleon’s decision to dethrone him in order to expedite the invasion of Portugal. The Spanish were not happy, however, when, instead of bringing freedom, Napoleon installed his brother Joseph on the throne. They rose en masse against him.

Flaw #3: The myth of invincibility It seems that it’s a common human failing to, when sitting atop a position of ultimate power, immediately abandon the determined state of mind that brought success, and become arrogant and complacent.

Wisdom prepares for the worst, but folly leaves the worst for the day when it comes - Richard Cecil

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The Rise and Fall of Empires cont’d

widespread Spanish insurgency as well. The revolt was a turning point in the history of warfare, coining the term ‘guerrilla’ (little war), that armies the world over dread to this day. The disorganized Spanish rebels occupied no less than three hundred thousand French troops making increasingly brutal and oppressive efforts to stop them. Each atrocity committed by the French in an attempt to break the will of the guerrillas only bred more of them as public opinion in Spain turned further and further away from the French cause.

The “Spanish Ulcer” as this (the Iberian) insurrection became known, dragged on for seven years. Despite their superiority the French made little headway. Then when the Russians, who posed no threat to France, withdrew from his Continental System, Napoleon made a suicidal decision. He assembled the largest army the world had seen. Somewhere between half a million and six hundred thousand French soldiers entered Russia in June of 1812. Naturally, the Russians were reluctant to fight the army. So instead, they retreated and drew the Grande Armee deeper and deeper into Russian territory. Along the way they made

sure that the land was stripped of anything of use to the invaders (the original scorched earth manoeuvre) and even torched their capital, Moscow. By the time Napoleon realized the Russians were not going to surrender, winter had set in and his troops were weak. They had no choice but to turn around and trek home across the barren wasteland. Most of Napoleon’s remaining soldiers froze to death on the return march. By some accounts as few as ten thousand soldiers survived the Russian campaign. Without his army, Napoleon’s empire began to dissolve. He quit the remnants of the Grande Armee and returned to Paris to put down a coup being plotted there. States began breaking away from France and a sixth coalition formed. As he had by now lost a million men over the course of his empire building, and no longer had enough left to fight, Napoleon was forced by the coalition to abdicate. The next year he returned to Paris and again seized power. A new coalition was formed – the seventh coalition that met and crushed him at Waterloo. Napoleon was exiled to the island of St. Helena to live out the remaining six years of his life, his glorious empire nothing more than a memory. Napoleon

Bonaparte’s

was not the first the world had seen. There had been many before, and many after. With the exceptions of Britain, and post WWII Germany and Japan, all the countries that originally spawned empires have faded in significance since their demise. This brings an interesting question to mind: If every empire is eventually destroyed, and the cost of imperialism appears to be a prolonged period of insignificance, then why bother in the first place? The answer seems to be that it is better to rule than serve. Although empires are ultimately ruinous to their builders, they are even more damaging to their victims.

From this perspective the roots of the current conflict in Iraq comes down to a simple fact: If the U.S. hadn’t grabbed Iraq’s oil, then China probably would have.

“They misunderestimated me.” George W. Bush

empire

Folly consists in the drawing of false conclusions from just principles, by which it is distinguished from madness,

www.xpatmag.com which draws just conclusions from false principles - John Locke

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Text/Photography by Richard Matheson


I don’t profess to be an expert on Ba Jia Jiang. Everything about them is shadowy and mysterious. In fact, I would be wary of anyone who did profess to be an expert. As with most folk-religions, Taiwan in particular, there’s a lot of grey area. Every ‘expert’ you ask has a different answer and every paper you read has a different story, but most admit to the vagueness of Ba Jia Jiang and their history. While Ba Jia Jiang may not be fully understood by most, every Taiwanese is familiar with them. Children mime their steps and it has even evolved into a popular dance called tai ke (similar to ‘line dances’ from the west). What I do know about Ba Jia Jiang is they look great and are loads of fun to photograph. So when Salvatore asked me to write a piece on “Hell’s Policemen” I jumped at the chance. This being said, the following ‘facts’ need to be taken with a grain of salt. If you are at a temple festival and you see someone mutilating him or herself, this will be a dang-ki (spirit medium). Surrounding them will usually be fiercely painted, beautifully clothed dancers carrying spears, fans, lanterns, etc.

These people are Ba Jia Jiang. They have a very distinctive stance, one palm on their hips and the other palm (usually sporting a weapon or tool), facing away from their body, and very distinctive standard walks such as ‘the tiger’ or ‘the seven star step’. Roughly translated, Ba Jia Jiang means eight military generals. There are also other denominations of military general troupes; Liou Jia Jiang (six) Shi Jia Jiang (10), etc. Following this, the correct name for this article should be Jia Jiang Tuan (Military General Troupes), but they usually come in eights and if there are 10 they are often just referred to as Ba Jia Jiang anyway. So, for simplicity’s sake I will refer to Jia Jiang Tuan as Ba Jia Jiang. Naturally, their origin is disputed. There are many folk tales explaining the origin of Ba Jia Jiang, often revolving around a god’s military generals and plague expulsion. It is generally accepted that they have over 100 years of history and their origin is usually associated with the God of Plague

Expulsion—‘Wu Fu Da Di’ This would imply that only Wu Fu Da Di Temples would have Ba Jia Jiang, but it seems that Wu Fu Da Di is related very closely, and intricately, to the origin and evolution of other gods and temples in Taiwan. Ba Jia Jiang are protectors. They keep the evil spirits at bay or chase them down and deal with them. It is common knowledge that they are not permitted to smile; the fans they carry with characters written on them are to protect themselves from whatever demons may be floating around. They protect both the spirit mediums and the audience from darker spirits. Less known among outsiders is their organization. The main four of the eight are the military generals surnamed; Gan, Liu, Hsieh and Fan. The supporting four are the Gods of the Four Seasons; Spring “Ke”, Summer “Zhang”, Fall “Shu” and Winter “Tsao”. Together these constitute the eight generals, the others are less important. They all have set roles. Some are in charge of catching evil spirits and demons (the policemen); some judge them while others mete out punishment. The instruments they carry and


the clothing they wear indicate their role. For example, executioners are often hooded (though they still have face paint underneath). As in Chinese operas, the characters can be identified by their face paint. Liu, the first in the procession, has red and black yin-yang paint. Gan-octopus (spring) has a dragon face. Summer is a bird, fall is a tiger and winter a

lotus or a turtle. Hsieh and Fan are perhaps better known as Chi Ye and Ba Ye, and as such are easily recognized. These conventions vary from temple to temple. When Ba Jia Jiang perform, they first paint their faces. This is called ‘opening their faces’. Once their faces are open they have a code of strict taboos that they have to follow, including not eating meat; not

smiling; joking around or chatting. At all times they must be very fierce and maintain their focus.

Sadly, nowadays Ba Jia Jiang are often associated with gangs, drugs and delinquent youth. Their image has been transformed from protectors of society into a menace to society. This phenomenon has been studied closely by sociologists


in Taiwan and there is a plethora of information about this on the Internet and in books. Perhaps the most important thing to remember when watching Ba Jia Jiang is to “never break their line”. I’m personally cynical of the effectiveness of a lot of the folk-religion and fortune telling, and as my years in Taiwan turn into decades, my cynicism increases. However I believe it is of paramount importance to respect others beliefs, especially when photographing them. Several years ago I was so intent on

photographing a dang-ki (he was throwing a heavenly tangerine— red ball with spikes-- into the air and trying to catch it on his head as if he was head ing a soccer ball. Naturally I wanted to capture that glorious moment when the ball made contact with his skull), that I inadvertently stepped into the arena and through the protective line of Ba Jia Jiang. Taking my eye off my camera I met the gaze of a Ba Jia Jiang. Although I had been numbed by a day of blood, mayhem, firecrackers and stifling heat, a power-

ful shock coursed through my body. Now, to me, this rule is sacrosanct. The encounter shook me up and ended my photography for the day. I really should have gone to a temple for a dose of shou jing at this point, but opted for the quicker beer-remedy instead. It took a lot of beer to calm me down and for the first time in a long time I seriously questioned my assumptions on the forces behind this folk-religion.


Interfaux

*All answers are true George W. Bush quotes. A complete list of ‘Bushisms’ available online at www.about.com. Xpat Magazine: How did the political forecast look the day you were re-elected? Georgie Boy: There’s no question that the minute I got elected, the storm clouds on the horizon were getting nearly directly overhead. X: I’ll say. Do you think that you’re a good president? GB: I think I am...and, if not, that’s just the way it goes. X: Everyone says you’re stupid. So, before we get into the heavy stuff, I just want to quiz you on a couple of things. Who was the first president of the US? GB: That’s George Washington, the first president, of course. The interesting thing about him is that I read three—three or four books about him last year. Isn’t that interesting?

X: It would appear that way. Do you have any personal goals? GB: I aim to be a competitive nation.

the Oval Office, kind of asking different portraits, ‘How do you think my standing will be?’

X: What was your greatest achievement in office? GB: I’ve coined new words, like, misunderstanding and hispanically.

X: How do you like the Oval Office? GB: (laughing) The Oval Office is the kind of place where people stand outside, they’re getting ready to come in and tell me what for, and they walk in and get overwhelmed by the atmosphere, and they say man, you’re looking pretty.

X: What? Are you high? Have you been huffing gas? GB: No comment. X: Do you ever talk to the paintings of past presidents in the Oval Office? GB: In this job you’ve got a lot on your plate on a regular basis; you don’t have much time to sit around and wander, lonely, in

X: Has office changed you? Are you still friends with

X: Um, no. What’s closer to California: Washington or Texas? GB: I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It’s pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California. X: Wow. That’s two for two. You’re not nearly as stupid as people say. Do you think you get a bad rap? GB: No. I’m the master of low expectations. X: Is that so? That’s very unique. What’s your defining characteristic? GB: I’m also not very analytical. You know I don’t spend a lot of time thinking about myself, about why I do things.

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No folly is more costly than the folly of intolerant idealism - Winston Churchill

Xpat Magazine


the same ‘ol hillbilly buds you used to go huntin’ with in Texas? GB: I like my buddies from West Texas. I liked them when I was young, I liked them then I was middle-age, I liked them before I was president, and I like them during president, and I like them after president. X: Now, lets get down to brass tacks. Do you think that by killing hundreds of thousands of innocent civilians, and forcing democracy on every country in the world, you can achieve world peace? GB: Free nations are peaceful nations. Free nations don’t attack each other. Free nations don’t develop weapons of mass destruction. X: The United States is a free nation. You attack other nations and develop weapons of mass destruction. GB: See, free nations are peaceful nations. Free nations don’t attack each other. Free nations don’t develop weapons of mass destruction. X: George, that doesn’t make sense. You’re just repeating your freedom bullshit. It sounds stupid. GB: See, in my line of work you got to keep repeating things over and over and over again for the truth to sink in, to kind of catapult the propaganda. X: Ah, I see, kind of like Hitler. Many people have compared you to Hitler: an Austra-

lian Politician, Fidel Castro, hell, the North Korean public schools even teach that America is the modern Nazi Germany. How do you think history will treat you? GB: You never know what your history is going to be like until long after you’re gone. X: Iraq’s a pretty big mess, huh? How do you think things are going? GB: I think – tide turning – see, as I remember – I was raised in the desert, but tides kind of – it’s easy to see a tide turn – did I say those words? X: How do you feel about the abilities of the Iraqi rebels? Pretty crafty? GB: Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we. X: So, what kind of Iraqis are you after? GB: The vast majority of Iraqis want to live in a peaceful, free world and we will find these people and we will bring them to justice.

X: So, where’s the next big project? What country do you plan to free from tyranny next? Iran? Somalia? North Korea? GB: One such goal is a democracy in Germany. X: Do you have much in common with your friends’ wives? GB: My friend, Sen. Bill Frist… he married a Texas girl…a West Texas girl, just like me. X: So, does being a woman affect your domestic policy? GB: I’m going to spend a lot of time on Social Security. I enjoy it. I enjoy taking on the issue. I guess it’s the mother in me. X: What’s one question that people don’t ask often enough? GB: Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning? X: (laughing) At least not by literate people. How do you keep up with the times? GB: I glance at the headlines just to kind of get a flavor for what’s moving. I rarely read the stories, and get briefed by people who probably read the news themselves. X: Remember when I stole your nose before the interview and you chased me around the block before realizing I couldn’t really steal your nose? Look! (reaches over to GB’s face) I got it again. I got your nose! I got your nose! GB: (angry) There’s an old saying in Tennessee—I know it’s in Texas, probably in Tennessee— that says, fool me once, shame on—shame on you. Fool me—you can’t get fooled again. X: I’ve heard that you’re a visionary when it comes to human relations with aquatic life. What’s your view on this? GB: I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully. X: Wow, man. That’s deep. Hey, you eying-up the gas tank on my motorbike? Let me open it up for you there. Have at ‘er. GB: Thanks.

www.xpatmag.com Aint we got all the fools in town on our side? And aint that a big enough majority in any town? - Mark Twain 37


Mediums Taiwan n i e r e h us xpats y from the f o t s a Mo some w of the golden n i t i f o ss pr it e pursu national busine s s e n a w i Ta thi ter e of in byproduct of g a u g n la e sh. On ten fumbling, li g n E of s, and ugue so vastly lish s le t n le e r to ng of this eir own is chi g, t i u s r u p th in t from larious, perplex n e r e f f i d hi poetic quirky, y ll a c i s n -- the e en nons eated and oft nd phrases cr slate a n slogans ttempts to tra eningly a dd through hese -two ma means t y b n s e e e g w ua bet nt lang e u ctronic sh r le g e n o , s r inc o ranslat ungover Engli t b e w h of es, and i r a n o i t dic . teachers

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Beauty and folly are old companions - Benjamin Franklin

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I prefer the folly of enthusiasm to the indifference of wisdom - Anatole France

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Every mans follies are the caricature resemblances of his wisdom - John Sterling

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Almost every wise saying has an opposite one, no less wise, to balance it - George Santayana

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Expresso Fiction

Folly Faith By Duncan MacIsaac Artwork by Dennis Huang

Calvin stared down at his art assignment. It should have been simple enough; a self-portrait for a high school art class. What he had come up with was not simple. It wasn’t complicated either, but it was difficult to explain, difficult to defend, and most of all, difficult to keep from pissing everyone off. Calvin looked up to see where his teacher was. He was in front of a blackboard that had the names of famous portrait painters and scrawled on it. A crucifix hung above the board. The teacher, Mr. Daroh, a small Catholic man, started shuffling around the dusty room, talking about the importance of believing in your abilities. The old man found a way to allude to his unwavering faith in every class. Gold-rimmed glasses hung off his nose magnifying eyes too bitter to hide his arrogance. It seemed genius about forty minutes ago. It was a stand. But now the original brilliance that Calvin had felt was clouded with

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doubt. Doubt that it was worth the trouble. Then Mr. Daroh was right behind him. Calvin stopped drawing and hunched protectively over his masterpiece. “What is this blasphemy!?” Mr. Daroh shouted. It scared Calvin. His eyes darted around the room for help – a laugh – a question – anything that could disperse the rage that was about to crash onto him. Nothing doing. Calvin suddenly realized the extent of his isolation. He was alone. “It’s just how I feel, sir.” It hadn’t come out in the confused, questioning tone he had intended. It sounded more like fear. Fear that he had been caught doing something wrong. He felt small and weak “How you feel?” Mr. Daroh asked. “Oh. You feel that you’ve sacrificed, do you? Well, you’re not finished yet.” This last sentence was nothing more than a hiss into Calvin’s ear. Mr. Daroh grabbed the picture with one hand and Calvin’s ear with the other. “What the fuck?” Calvin immediately wished he hadn’t sworn. “You blasphemous little shit.” “Does this look familiar to anyone?” Mr. Daroh stormed. All eyes turned to the piece of paper that was suddenly the most dangerous thing in Mr. Daro’s world. All eyes were either wide with shock, or narrow with superiority. Calvin had rocked the boat. No, he’d shot a hole in the hull,

Alas! we see that the small have always suffered for the follies of the great - Jean de la Fontaine

Xpat Magazine


and everyone either couldn’t believe it or thought he was grasping for attention. “I said does this look familiar to anyone?” Mr. Daroh repeated. “Yes, sir,” a few students mumbled. “Well it seems our book is wrong,” Mr. Daroh said. “It seems, that this is a depiction of our own Calvin MacIsaac. Isn’t that right Mr. MacIsaac?”

“No sir.” “No? Then what are you trying to say? If indeed you do have a coherent thought here. Or are you just looking for a little attention?” “I said ‘that’s how I feel, sir,” Calvin replied. “Well let’s see how you feel when we see the principal.” Calvin stumbled through the door with Mr. Daroh shaking his shoulder. Half dragging, half pushing Calvin down the empty hall, Mr. Daro’s voice echoed off the walls. Too enraged to form a complete thought, he stammered words like insolent, childish, and ignorant. This sparked something. Calvin tried his best to steady his voice, and asked, “What is ignorance sir?” It was a challenge and they both knew it. Mr. Daroh grabbed Calvin’s collar, snapped it tight, and pulled their faces close together. “This is ignorance.” He said, shaking the paper next to their faces. “Total disrespect for something sacred. This is not just ignorant. It’s disgusting. It’s evil. It’s pathetic.” “Oh. I thought ignorance was a lack of knowledge. And perhaps the willful discouragement of…

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s u o

m e h p ” s a l t i b h u le s o “Y litt

Calvin was alone now. Those who understood him were denying him, and the rest were mocking him.

Mr. Daroh pushed his face at Calvin’s. Calvin was sure he

smelled whiskey. “You little fucking shit. I don’t give a damn who you’ve read. Kundera, Kafka…you could

have read fucking Bukowski for all I care. You’re an insolent little prick and I hope you learn to keep your fucking mouth shut before you’re old enough for me to kick the shit out of you.” These last words left Daroh smiling. “Shouldn’t you be praying for my soul or something?” Then they arrived at the office. After what had happened, Calvin imagined telling his father he’d been kicked out of school. That he’d have to go to public school with the fags. Calvin knew his father – he knew tonight would be hell. But the thought of going to public school was so exciting that Calvin got a hard-on. Real ideas. Real variety. Black chicks with jeans that were painted on.

about 16 years old, with blond hair. He looked nervous as hell. The other was about the same age with black hair down to his eyes and pale skin. He was about as close to Goth that you could get at that school. “Why are you guys here?” The blond one whined and pointed. “He fed ex-lax to a hamster. The hamster is dead. And we’re in shit.” The black-haired kid sneered. “Fuck you. We fed the hamster. We did it. We got caught. If you’re too much of a pussy to take any shit, I will. Something’s dead. That’s a lot worse than getting detention.” Calvin liked the brave one. He had balls – and a much better idea of what was important. “How much ex-lax can a hamster eat?” Calvin asked.

“You wait here.” There were others in the office, so Mr. Daroh stopped with his tough guy act and started his elitist act. He gave a command and left, like someone telling a dog to stay. If he was nervous about it being obeyed, he didn’t show it. Calvin waited outside the door. It looked a lot bigger when he was nervous about going through it. Two other kids were waiting to see the principal. One was skinny,

If others had not been foolish, we should be so - William Blake

43


The Folly of Faith cont’d

“It’s just how I feel, sir.”

The black haired kid’s eyes opened up. His face read somewhere between disbelief and hilarity. “A lot.” The door opened and Daroh walked out. “The principal will see you now.” It was like a grand proclamation. Like Caesar himself was seeing me. Calvin walked in and closed the door. He had made up his mind. No matter what was going to happen, he wasn’t going to be scared. Calvin looked around. There was a big mahogany desk in front of a window. Cases of books lined the walls – books that Calvin would never read. “So, Calvin. It seems we have a little problem.” The prin-

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cipal was a CEO type in a stripe suit with gray hair around the sides of his head. He wasn’t tall but looked very big. What are you trying to say with this?” as he held Calvin’s picture up. “Well…” but before Calvin could start, the principal cut him off. “I look forward to seeing your father at this year’s Parent-Teacher Day. It would be a shame if it were tainted at all. Like if you had to repeat the grade 11…” Calvin stopped cold. Of course his father wouldn’t let him leave. The old bastard would

make him finish at this school. Calvin was stubborn, but not stupid. He knew he needed to finish school, and he knew he didn’t want to go to university having to tell this story every time somebody asked him why he was a year behind. The principal knew he had won. It was in his eyes. He handed Calvin a piece of paper, and a 2B pencil. “I suggest you redo the assignment,” he said arrogantly. Calvin sat in the office at the big mahogany desk, among the walls lined with books, and drew a sheep.

If 50 million people say a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing - Jacques Anatole

45


Toppers

We all do stupid things. We’re surrounded by foolishness. No matter where we’re from or where we reside there are situations and circumstances that defy every aspect of rational thought. Here are my remedies for some of this random absurdness.

By Preston Ramsay artwork by Steve Williams

SUVs If you own an SUV in the city, you will be forced to enlist in the U.S. military. I don’t care if you’re from Switzerland; you are going to have to bunk with Uncle Sam for the next few years. I will not go into any of my personal views regarding war. However, at the rate that most of these behemoths guzzle petrol, I believe that people who own them should have to pay more than just at the pumps to drive them.

Radio Video did not kill the radiostar. The radiostar committed suicide. I can honestly say that I haven’t listened to the radio here once. In fact I don’t even own a radio. But thinking back to when I was home, I remember how awful it was because stations kept playing the same song over and over and over. Solution: Radio stations must be allowed to play each song only once a day. I call it the “One Radio Rule.” Stations that break that rule should be subject to firebombing.

Religion I see nothing wrong with people practicing religion. I propose for every hour a person practices her particular faith, she should have to spend an hour in science class and an hour in a world-religion class to balance her stance. I don’t intend this to dissolve their love of a higher power or try to erode their faith. I recommend this so the rest of society can be spared irrational conflicts based on narrow-minded hearsay.

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The United Nations (UN) The United Nations works great in theory. This is something that I think the world really needs. It is too bad that certain member states ignore it when it’s inconvenient to their agendas. I think that we should disband it and let the countries with large militaries and economies tell us how the world should be run: an easy and viable solution that is in everyone’s best interest. This way the common folk won’t get their hopes up.

Books Actually, I haven’t read any lately, other than a book on graphic design (more pictures than words). I have however been trying to finish “Visions of Cody” for about a year now. If anyone out there has finished it, could you please send me an email and tell me how it ends? (prestonramsay@yahoo.ca)

Xpat Magazine


Toppers

Top Ten Reasons Not to Have an affair By Edgar Styles Artwork By Cindy Lanteigne A few months ago I became involved with a wonderful young woman. The only problem was she already had a boyfriend and agreed to have an affair with me only if I understood that she would never break up with her boy. That got me thinking about the potential pitfalls. 10. What if she got pregnant by me, decided it was better to have the child than to abort, and forever made her boyfriend believe it is indeed his child? 9. When we were together, it was weird pretending that we were in a “normal” relationship. The only time we acknowledged the affair was after sex, when she felt guilty, destroying the afterglow every time.

2. I’m often forced to have sex with two or three different women in a day, which sounds great on paper, but leaves me listless and floppy. I end up looking like an impotent loser. Now I’m beginning to get a reputation for being lame in the sack. give each other good until I boyfriend could a sharp kick in

6. At the start of our affair, I was single and we both agreed that if I met someone else our affair would end quietly. However, she misinterpreted our lust as true love: she broke up with him and professed her undying love for me to her family. Her reputation and her life are now in tatters because, as luck would have it, I’ve met someone new.

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4. I know my life has become abnormal because I get an erection while I grope my lover as she’s talking to her boyfriend or husband…or whomever, on the phone. This is the only way I can get turned on for sex. Sometimes I even make her pretend she’s talking to him. 3. Very few normal married women will sleep around. My new fetish has driven me to sleep with some very clingy obsessive women who bombard me with phone calls, text messages and surprise visits. This is all because I too am now an obsessive weirdo.

8. The only time we had a decent conversation was very late at night, usually after she’d been with…him. This became an every-night thing and irritated me. I continued the charade, however, only for the sake of the amazing and perverted sex, which was very new to her. 7. Most of the time we behaved like a normal couple in public. We would grope each other and little kisses. It was all realized that her longtime spot us and I could suffer the kidneys at any moment.

5. Now that I’ve discovered how hot and risky an affair can be, no other relationship satisfies me. Now my fetish is to only be with women who are married or in a longterm relationship. I am a victim of my own deception.

1. The final straw came the other day when I saw my name on these ‘Websites: www.dontdatehimgirl.com and www.womansavers.com, both devoted to exposing cheaters to anyone with the will to type his or her boyfriend’s name into the search engine. Dontdatehimgirl.com’s 600,000 hits per day and womansavers.com’s 84,000 monthly visitors mean I am now branded a cheater--for life. If you think your girlfriend hasn’t checked one of these sites, you’re fooling yourself.

Fools rush in where angels fear to tread - Alexander Pope

47


Xpat Magazine


Interview

The Exploding Dog: An Interview with Sam Brown By Matt Gibson

Artwork courtesy of Sam Brown I first found the website www.explodingdog.com because my roommate had a hilarious wallpaper on her laptop of a stick-figure hippo and I asked her where it came from. Explodingdog.com is a “semi-collaborative� art project in which random visitors send Sam Brown captions for drawings and he draws them and posts them on his website. His simply drawn stick-figure interpretations of the captions range from straightforward to philosophical to hilarious. His personality is equally so, as you will see in this interview.

dog heaven

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49


The Exploding Dog cont’d god is not here

Xpat: Who are you? Sam Brown: sam brown. X: When did you start www. explodingdog.com? SB: the website as it is now started back in january 2000. X: How long have you been drawing? SB: i have been drawing my whole life. but i never took it seriously. i always felt i was not good enough. i even went to art school but didn’t study drawing and did video work my whole time there. the drawings were always on the side. X: Do you enjoy it or is it just a job? SB: i love drawing. it helps me think better. like someone who goes running to clear his head. drawing does that for me, which is good because i hate running. X: What kind of drawing did you do before you started

50

www.explodingdog.com? SB: the drawings were pretty similar, but bigger and drawn on paper. X:

Do you make any money?

one day i hope to make it big and get a sports car

SB: i do make enough money to support myself, but i live very cheaply. one day i hope to make it big and get a sports car. X: Do you think you’ll ever stop? SB: i have no plans on stopping, but i don’t have a plan to not stop. it is strange, the internet has become a thing that most everyone takes for granted now. but it has only been around in its modern form for the last ten years or so. and many parts

Who lives without folly is not so wise as he thinks - Francois Duc de la Rochefoucauld

of that, such as finding cheap flights or google, for even less time. i think it is very possible that either because of government regulation or changes in technology or greedy corporations or a combination of all three, the internet as we expect it to be in 2006 won’t exist in ten years. the internet could be much better or it could be much worse. so in the future there might not be a place for explodingdog.com as it is now. X: Do you have any embarrassing vices, a shellfish fetish for example, that you’d like to share? SB: i try not to share anything that is embarrassing. X: What’s your favorite fruit? SB: i like bananas, my favorite was apples but now i can’t eat the skin of apples because of the pesticides, if

Xpat Magazine


the black sheep might also be the crazy sheep

i try to i just throw up. so now my favorite fruit is the banana.

X: How do you feel about the Bush administration? SB: i don’t feel good about the bush administration.

ter. Is this true? SB: it is true, her name is anna mae, born on august 20th 2005.

X: What kind of music do you listen to? SB: i listen to quite a bit of music, right now i am listening to the Kleptones all the time. other than that i am listening to the early rock and roll stations on the XM radio.

X: What do you think of communism?

X: Is this a service? Do you charge for this? SB: no. people suggest titles and i do drawings from some of them, then post them on this site. if someone likes the picture i drew, they email it to their friends and say “hey, look at this funny picture.” this site could be thought of as a long term semi-collaborative art project.

X: Do you ever work naked? I enjoy it a great deal. In fact, I’m typing naked right now. SB: that is disgusting. X: Do you find that odd? SB: no, just disgusting. X: Have you ever done any political drawings? SB: i have done many. but never anything about a specific person or political entity. i don’t like most politicians. they are too narcissistic.

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i really have no experience with communism

SB: i really have no experience with communism, but i don’t think it is for me. X: If you could have any one material item in the world, what would you want? SB: a gigantic megaphone that was so loud that when i talked everyone in the world could hear me. i would tell the world to shut up, but i would have to open with a really funny joke. X: I heard you’re being lazy because you now have a daugh-

X: If I give you a link on my website will you draw a picture for me? SB: no. you can’t bribe me. X: Why are your monkeys big and green? SB: if i choose a title with the word “monkey” in it, i will replace it with whatever word i choose. (most likely

The fool doth think he is wise, but the wise man knows himself to be a fool - William Shakespeare

51


I m an angel with broken wings

“monster”) X: Can I commission you to make some artwork for me? SB: maybe. but it won’t be cheap. X: Can I make my own tshirts? SB: sure. if you want to make some t-shirts of drawings feel free. as long as you are not trying to sell them or use them to advertise for your company, i don’t mind. X: Will you do drawings for an album cover? SB: probably not. i get this question about ten times a week, and have stopped responding to it. (i am very sorry to everyone who i did not respond to.) something about making CD cover art makes me uncomfortable. X: Can people use your art on their websites? SB: if it is a non-commercial or a personal site, i probably will

not mind. but please give me credit and a link. credit: “sam brown, explodingdog.” X: Do people need permission to print, email, or download your drawings for personal use? SB: you do not need my per-

why are your monkeys big and green?

mission. i encourage you to use my drawings for personal, not for profit, or educational uses. print them out and hang them up. email them to friends. paint your own copies of them on your walls. use them in your powerpoint presentations. X: Do you have a portfolio of the professional work you have done? SB: no, i do not.

X: Can i get a tattoo of one of your drawings? SB: i am flattered you want my drawing on your body forever. i am a little uncomfortable saying yes, but the question has been coming up a lot lately. i don’t have any real problem with you getting a tattoo of a drawing from my website. i am not going to custom design it for you. i am going to feel bad if the tattoo artist really screws it up and you blame me forever. but send me a picture of it if you get one done. X: Ok, I read the interview, but I still want to ask you something—how do I do it? SB: ok, you can email me at info@explodingdog.com if you promise not to ask me to draw your album cover.


Discussion

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The fool who persists in his folly will become wise - William Blake

53


The Xpat Directory > Kaohsiung

ing District (07) 556-7640 ext.124 http://english.god.org.tw

Animal Services E+

E+

Animals Taiwan Kaohsiung Branch info@atkaohsiung.org

E+

Bigo Animal Hospital 567 Huasia Rd., Tsoying District (07) 348-1166

Arts / Education E+

Mindful Phoenix Arts The Center 20 Jung Jeng 2nd Rd., 12F (07) 229-8301 The Space 165 Jung Jeng 2nd Rd. 2F (07) 223-0581 www.mindfulpheonix.com

Barbers / Stylists E+

E+

E+

Eslite Bookstore 218 HePing 1st. Rd., 10F, LingYa (07) 222-0800 266-1 ChengGong 1st Rd., B2/B3, Ling Ya (07) 215-9795 21 SanDuo 4th Rd., 17F ChienJen (07) 331-3102

Access Kaohsiung Community Services Information center with English library and free internet 801 Chongde Rd., Tsoying 0971 119930 (Melissa)

Base Dental Clinic 158 Fushing 2nd Rd., Shinsing (07) 222-0788

E+

Family Travel Clinic 265 Yucheng Rd., Tsoying (07) 558-7919

Government City Hall 2 Sihwei 3rd Rd., Lingya District www.kcg.gov.tw E

E+

Bread of Life, International Fellowship Meets Sundays at 6pm 185, 4F Fuguo Rd., Tsoy-

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Jacky 0932 778098

World Gym 165 Linsen 1st Rd (07) 969-7888

Travel Agents Mike Tour (07) 215-5186 22 Tzu-Chiang 1st Rd., 5F-1, Room C

E-store Taiwan (online imported food) www.estoretaiwan.com

E

Travelstar (Jackie) (07) 216-4242 15F-4, 235 Jhongjeng 4th Rd., ChienChin www.travelstar.com.tw

Wollason’s (“The Pineapple Store”) 151 Benguan Road (07) 370-2223

Wenzao Ursuline College 900 Mintsu 1st Rd., San Min (07) 342-6031

E+

Trump Travel (Peter) 234 Cheng Gung 1st Rd. 1F (07) 330-6166 pjltrump@ara.seed.net.tw www.tttour.com.tw/english/Home.htm

E

Air Conditioner Service Martin 0925 451687

E

Blue Truck Ilene 0910 794446 0935 649117

E

Gas Service Eric (07) 341-2288

Workers

Mechanics E

E

Kymco 235 Minghua Road, Gushan District (07) 553-1073 Truman 129 Shicyuan 2nd Rd. (07) 323-1923 0921 238599

Second-Hand Stores

Ackrsu 2 Jung Shan 1st Rd., B17 (07) 241-4388

E

E+

E

E+

Head Shops

Cassanova Housing (07) 225-0666 0933 590508

Taiwan Dive (07) 226-8854 0916 130288 (Andy) divingintaiwan@yahoo.com. tw www.taiwandive.com

Der Hsiung Ingredients 101 Shrchuan 2nd Rd. (07) 312-7890 319 Sanduo 2nd Rd. (07)-761-6225

Taipei Language Institute 507 JungShan 2nd Rd., 2F (07) 215-2965

Tax Administration, Ministry of Finance 148 Guangjhou 1st St., Lingya Dist. (07) 725-6600

E

Box Store 9 Jhongshan Rd. (alley at Jhongjeng Road), Sin Sing District (07) 286-7265

E+

C

C

E+

Language Schools

Schmidt Group Practice Clinic 278 Chingnian 1st Rd. (07) 251-3388 www.sgpcare.com.tw

Housing Agents Churches

E+

Dental Clinic 333 Fumin Rd., Tsoying District (07) 557-2625

Doctors

Community Organizations E+

E-

EE+

E+

C

E

Dentists

Lanie Carriere Hair Cuts and Waxing 0934 038 494 lanie_carriere@yahoo.ca

Caves Books 76 Wufu 4th Rd. (07) 561-5716 45-47 Pingteng Rd., San Min District (07) 380-0627

Rob 0931 140125 Viking.blue@gmail.com

Godspeed 0931 943219

Import Foods

Computer Repair

Bookstores C

Kaohsiung Community Church Meets Sundays at 4:30 pm 218 Dingli St., San Min District (07) 221-2049

www.massivefc.com E

Genesis Social Welfare Thrift Shop 58 Mingsheng 2nd Rd. (07) 261-2861

Sports Clubs / Gyms E+

Forge Martial Arts Club 53 Chong Cheng 4th Rd. 0910 622266 (Ben) forgekaohsiung@yahoo.com

E+

Kaohsiung Massive Football Club 0916 998606 (Martin)

Enlish Rating Key E+

Perfect or nearly fluent

E

Can communicate clearly for business transactions

E-

Can communicate with some effort

C

Chinese only If there’s no rating next to a business, it’s because we don’t know. If you find out, let us know at listings@xpatmag.com

He is a fool who looks at the fruit of lofty trees, but does not measure their height - Quintus Curtius Rufus

55


The Xpat Directory > Taichung

588, Wenshin Rd., Sec.2 (04) 2327-3875 (24h) Mon-Fri 8:10am-5:20pm

Barbers / Stylists Ninas Beauty Salon 21 Dahe Rd. (04) 2302-0662 E+

Veronica House calls available 0930 307332 dianaveronyka@yahoo.com

Head Shops C

Bookstores C

Caves Books 12 Guan Chian Rd. (04) 2326-5559

E

Churches E+

Taichung Christian Churh Bilingual services 10am Sundays 329,WenHsin Rd.,Sec. 4, 5F (04)2463-4838 0936 291448 (James)

E+

Computer Repair E+

E+

Dentists New Love Dental Clinic 28 Shan-Shi Road,Taichung City (04) 2295-5588

E-

E+

E+

Government Offices E

58

E+

Ideal Skin Clinic (Dermatologists) 281, Ta Tun 12th St. (04)2319-6353 Lin’s Family Obs/Gyn Clinic 207, FuXing Rd, Sec. 4 (04)2223-8148

Foreign Affairs Police

Taichung Housing 36, 13-1 Dajhong St.,West Dist. (04) 2471-1419 0910 106069 (Judy) judyhuanghh@yahoo.com www.englishintaiwan.com/ housing.htm

E+

Finga’s 16,Chung Ming Nan Rd. (04)2327-7750 dbboss@gmail.com Go West British Importers Beer, cider, cheese, and more! Delivery available. 30 Bao-qing St., Lane 18, Hsi-Tun Ph: (04) 2451-4520 Fax: (04) 2451-4521 info@mailgowest.com www.gowest.com.tw

Biz House 32 Ta-Sheng St. Ph:(04)2319-4845 Fax:(04)2319-2548 jenna@providenceuniversity.com

Travel Agents Dragon Tours Ph:(04) 2323-5789 Fax:(04) 2327-045 grandtxg@ms2.hinet.net www.dragontr.com.tw

Taipei Language Institute 404, 28-5 Tai Ping Rd., 8F-9F (04) 2225-4681 (04) 2225-4831 tli.tc@msa.hinet.net

Eagle Travel 6-1, Wu-Chuan Rd. Ph:(04) 2222-3416 Fax:(04) 2222-3416 eaglestv@1b.hinet.net www.etours.com.tw

Moving Companies

Jen-Ai Hospital 483 DongRong Rd., Tali Dist. 0963 17575 (English info) (04) 2481-9900 ext 1995, 2911 (appointments)

Elizabeth Yeh 378 Wen-Hsin Rd., Sec. 1, 15F-5 (04) 2329-8277 (04) 2329-8297 0937-78764 beth.travel@msa.hinet.net

Allied Pickfords 4F, 64 Chung Chen Road, Sec. 2, Shih Lin, Taipei Ph:(02) 2836-1000 Fax: (02) 2831-9942 info@alliedpickfords.com. tw E+

Green Island Adventures 0907 2065479 (Eddie) www.greenislandadventure. com

E+

Whose Travel 105 HuaMie W. St. Sec.1,Taichung (04)23265191/5192 dale@whosetravel.com www.whosetravel.com

Pharmacies Ding Ding Drug Store 147 Hsi Tun Rd. (04) 2462-6455

Sports Clubs / Gyms E+

Import Foods

Doctors Ear Nose Throat (ENT) 812 Daduen Rd. (04) 2328-1208

China Medical College Hospital 2, Yu De Rd. (04) 2205-2121

Jammy House Rental Service 0935 538312 service@jammyhouse.com www.jammyhouse.com

Dance Instrucion

Ray-Mei Dental Clinic 108 Shiang Shang Rd., Sec. 1 (04) 2472-3077

E+

Housing Agents

PC4U 0972 0654479 (Eddie)

Club Salsa Cubana 392 Hua Mei W. St. (04) 2319-2436

E+

Ackrsu 9-6, Fengjia Rd., Shituen (04) 2452-0797

Hospitals

0910 506911 (Darryl) 0922 171241 englishintaiwan@hotmail. com www.englishintaiwan.com

Language Instruction

Ocean Company (Scuba Diving) No.44, Tsun Chung St., West Dist. (04) 2376-6195 driftwork@yahoo.com

E+

Taichung Teletubbies Rugby Club 0918 448824

E+

World Gym 186 Fu Hsiang, Sec. 4, 9F (Taichung Central Shopping Center) (04) 3608-8888

E

423 Taicjunggang Rd., Sec. 1 (04) 2326-2126 E+

Uncle Jimmy’s American Home Store 298 Sec.2 Chong De Rd. (04)2247-6878 unclejimmysmail@yahoo.com

Wings Taiwan (Paragliding) 0928 315215 (Les)

Scooter / Motorcycle Rentals E+

Foreign Assistance Services In Taiwan (FAST) 36 13F-1, Dajhong St.

We think our fathers fools, so wise we grow; our wiser sons, no doubt, will think us so - Alexander Pope

Z-Nine Travel 88 Bo Guan Rd. Ph:(04) 2329-4241 Pax:(04) 2329-4240 kennykuo@1b.hinet.net http://www.znine.com.tw

Enlish Rating Key E+

Perfect or nearly fluent

E

Can communicate clearly for business transactions

E-

Can communicate with some effort

C

Chinese only If there’s no rating next to a business, it’s because we don’t know. If you find out, let us know at listings@xpatmag.com

Xpat Magazine


The Xpat Directory > Tainan

Acupuncture E-

Acupuncturist 165 MinCyuan Rd., Sec. 2 Mon - Sat 9am - 9pm 06-2288110 / 06-2290203

E

E

24H (06) 272-6119 (06) 273-1919 0937 398994

Art Galleries C

E

Eureka! Art Workshop 262 DongAn Rd. (06) 214-2988

E

E

Monika Hair and Make-Up Studio 28 Sihua S. St. (across from the McDonalds on Minzu Rd.) (06) 221-6081 0917 682192 Vince and Candy Hairdressing 40 JungJeng (ChungCheng) Rd., 2F (06) 221-0275 Salon De Haircraft 1 You Ai St. (near intersection of MinChiuan Rd. and ChingNian Rd.) (06) 221-9798 (06) 221-9796

Caves Books 159 BeiMen Rd., Sec. 1 (06) 233-7824

C

Eslite 181 ChangRung Rd., Sec. 1 (06) 208-3977

www.xpatmag.com

Dr. Lin 180 Fuchien Rd. M-S 9:30-12:00 & 18:3021:00 M,W,F,S 16:00-18:00 (06) 221-6000

E

E+

Ackrsu 249 JungJeng Rd. (06) 241-1299

6 Mama Home Rental Agency 204 DaTong Rd., Sec. 1, Tainan (06) 215-2000 Ask for Peter

Import Foods E-

E+

E+

Life Tour Travel (06) 238-9111 0925 220382 Ask for Evon Evonpig5418@hotmail.com

E+

World Gym 166 Chung Shan Rd. (06) 600-6688

Hash House Hariers www.tainan.com/hash tainanhash@hotmail.com Find more info at Willy’s Second Base 321 JianKang Rd., Sec. 2

Veterinarians E

Dr. Wang 248 Siaodong Closed Thursdays (06) 209-2209 Vet 45 Mintzu Rd., Sec. 2 (06) 222-2566 (06) 222-4631

English Directory Assistance: 106 International Telephone Service: 100 Emergency Assistance: 119

Klin Market 218 Fucian Rd., Sec. 1 (corner of Fucian Rd. and NanMen Rd.) (06) 222-2257

Language Instruction

Cola Tours 5F 88 Fuchien Rd., Sec. 1 0926 460040 (06) 226-7988 (06) 226-6978 Ask for Julia julia.wang@colatour.com. tw www.colatour.com.tw

Government and Emergency Numbers (all provide English Service)

Housing Agents E-

Travel Agents

Tong Yi Drugstore 291 DongMen Rd., Sec. 1 (06) 237-6638

Tainan Phoenix Soccer tainanphoenix@hotmail.com 0956 020907 (Hugh)

Tommy Lee 0915 324700

E+

Sports Clubs / Gyms

Head Shops

Bookstores C

E

Tsai Jia-Ling (Female) No. 25 Bei Men Rd., Sec. 1 (06) 224-4266 Telephone appointments not accepted.

C

David Wu 101, DongChun Rd., Alley 185 (near FuXing Jr. High) (06) 336-7038 09 3809 5316

Pharmacies

Gynecologists

Barbers / Stylists E

Dr. Wang 102 Sialin Rd. (06) 222-9336

Dermatologists

Dongmen Art Gallery 95 Dongmen Rd., Sec. 2 (06) 275-6061

Tattoos

Mechanics

Dr. Sue 80 Yi Dong Rd. (06) 275-2440

Art Lessons E+

Dr. Guo Jing Yi 346 Tsong Ming Rd. (06) 269-5152

Sally Ann 09 3834 0907 E+

E

Airport Shuttle Service (Kaohsiung) C

E+

Dentists

Traffic Accident Report Hotline: 110 The National Police Agency 24 hour hotline: 0800-024-111. Information for Foreigners Website http://iff.npa.gov.tw

Kevin 0929 167621

He who thinks himself wise, O heavens! is a great fool - Voltaire

57



Xpat Magazine - Issue 4 Fall 2006 - Folly