Her Body’s a Temple Patrick O’Malley hoisted his beer and said: “Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!” - and he took home the top prize for the best toast of the night. In bed later that night, he told his wife: “Mary, I won the prize for the best toast of the night.” She said, “Aye, Paddy, what was your toast?” So he told her: “Here’s to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife.” “Oh,” she said, “that is very nice, dear.” The next day, Mary ran into one of Paddy’s drinking partners in the street. ett.. Mischievously, the man said: “Did you hear about out ut your husband winning a prize in the pub the other night for a toast about you, Mary?” She replied: “Aye - and I was a bit surprised. Till now, he’s only been down there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come”.
Two little boys are sitting In the living room, watching TV with their parents. The mother looks over at the father with a wink and a nod toward upstairs. The father “Gets” the message, and they both get up and head towards the stairs. The mother turns back to the boys and says, “We’re going upstairs for a minute. You two stay here and watch TV, we’ll be right back, ok?” The two boys nod ok, and the parents take off upstairs. The oldest of the 2 boys is old enough to know what’s going on now, and he gets up and tiptoes upstairs. At the top of the stairs, He peeks into his mom and dad’s bedroom and shakes his head. He goes back downstairs to his little brother. “Come with me”, He says. The two little boys tiptoe up the stairs. Halfway up, the older brother turns to his brother and says, “Now I want you to keep in mind, this is the same woman who used to bust our ass for sucking our thumb!!
Two paddies were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one man digging a hole, the other filling it in again. An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn’t understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, “I’m impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don’t get it - why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?” The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, “Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we’re normally a three-person team. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick.’”
Q: What do blondes and spaghetti have in common? A: They both wriggle when you eat them.
“As good as this bar is,” said the Scotsman, “I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there’s a wee place called McTavish’s. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he’ll buy the fifth drink.” “Well, Angus,” said the Englishman, “At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman 40 - TRMI MARCH 2015
will w wi lll bbuy uuyy you your third drink after you pay for the first ttw two. w “Ahhh, dat’s nothin’,” said Paddy Sheehan, the Irishman. “Back home in me favorite pub in Galway, the moment you set foot in the place, they’ll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you’ve had enough drinks, they’ll take you upstairs and see dat you get laid, all on the house!” The Englishman and Scotsmanwere suspicious of the claims. “Did this actually happen to you?” “Not meself, personally, no,” admitted the Irishman, “but it did happen to me sister quite a few times.”
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he’d just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he’s walking with a limp. “What happened to you?” asks Sean, the bartender. “Jamie O’Conner and me had a fight,” says Paddy. “That little shit, O’Conner,” says Sean, “He couldn’t do that to you, he must have had something in his hand.” “That he did,” says Paddy, “a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin’ he gave me with it.” “Well,” says Sean, “you should have defended yourself, didn’t you have something in your hand?” “That I did,” said Paddy. “Mrs. O’Conner’s breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight.”
I went to my Doctor for a physical. While I was there I asked him, “So Doc, what are we gonna do about this virus from Africa?” He said, “I don’t know. He still has 2 more years in office.”
One night, Mrs McMillen answers the door to see her husbands best friend, Paddy, standing on the doorstep. “Hello Paddy, but where is my husband? He went with you to the beer factory” Paddy shook his head. “Ah Mrs McMillen, there was a terrible accident at the beer factory, your husband fell into a vat of Guinness stout and drowned” Mrs McMillen starts crying. “Oh don’t tell me that, did he at least go quickly?” Paddy shakes his head. “Not really - he got out 3 times to pee!”
A biker walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.” The room is quiet and no one takes up the biker’s offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the biker on the shoulder. “Is your bet still good?”, asks the Irishman. The biker says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the biker sits in amazement. The biker gives the Irishman the $500 and says, “If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?” The Irishman replies, “Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first”.
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