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Picking up chicks is easy, guys. You just gotta know how to do it.

#. 1

relax Or don’t, actually. If you can’t relax and your teeth chatter like castanets, well then don’t relax. Stay uptight. Oddly enough, it may be the best thing you have going for you. I know this sounds crazy. But it just so happens to be true. Chicks say that when a man approaches them in an awkward, nervous manner, it makes them feel less nervous.

When you find out you are the only ones left in the restaurant, nervous laughter can overpower nerves and make you one lucky man.

That’s me, doing it wrong.

#. 2

smile It’s like a caress but with your mouth. Most men have no idea what incredibly groovy things smiles are. When you approach a woman with an intense, serious wexpression on your puss, you frighten her. She doesn’t know whether you’re going to ask directions to the nearest deli or snatch her purse. To many women, a man’s smile is almost a sexual thing– sort of as if you’re reaching out to them, caressing them with the expression on your face.

#. 3

Say her name And don’t forget it. Because the most rewarding moment in a man-woman relationship is when the other person first says your name. It’s a sign of affection. Think about it. Think how nice it is when a girl you’re just getting to know calls you Bob or Bill or Harry. It’s nice. It’s tender.

“Call me Bob, Bill or Harry, just don’t call me crazy.”

“Did you know that the Pacific tree frog understands the significance and power of its mating call and is therefore very eager to put it to use? I mean, it’s just amazing.�

#. 4

Talk about your accomplishments But there’s no need to embellish. If you play the bass guitar, or even if you’re the world’s greatest living authority on the mating habits of frogs, let chicks know about it. If you run a quarter mile in forty-eight seconds, you’re not the only one who finds this interesting. Girls dig accomplishment. To them it’s sexy.

#. 5

Mean Business You don’t need to be brilliant or dazzling. All you have to do is say something. Anything. One question you have to ask yourself about picking up girls is, do you really want to pick them up? If your answer is a resounding “YES!” then you have a lot going for you. A woman will sense you mean business and it will turn her on. Why? Because a woman is a very cautious creature. Nothing enrages her more than when a man, who’s already made a pass at her, backs down at the last moment. It makes her feel like a fool.

I just wasn’t sure about this chick.

I generally send an extra-dirty vodka martini. If she’s not into that, she’s not the girl for you.

#. 6

LOOK AROUND In a restaurant, your approach can have a special dignity about it. For example, one ancient and corny gambit that can still work like a charm is to use a waiter as your messenger. Have him bring a drink to a pretty girl you spot across the room. You may think it’s dumb, but women really fall for this razzle-dazzle. They’ve seen it in the movies. They’ve read about it in romantic novels. It’ll make them think you are suave and cultured and dignified.

#. 7

HEAT HER UP Think of a woman as being somewhat like an ice cube. She has to be melted. And if you want to be the one who gets anywhere with her, then you’ve got to supply the warmth that will melt her. So, be warm. Be pleasant. Be charming. If you act like a cold, rude bastard, you’ll just make her colder and icier.

Taking sips of her drink will help her warm up to you.

“May I help you relieve your horniness?”

#. 8

Know she’s horny These days, women get horny too. Does that shock you? It shouldn’t. Women have come a long way recently. It’s true. They sit home, all by themselves, and think how terrific it would feel to hop into bed with someone. Anyone. Just to relieve their horniness. They’re learning they have the same right to sexual freedom that men have. In fact, I think it’s going to be harder for men to adjust to the sexual revolution than it is for women.

#. 9

Experiment Your clothing says more than you think. Try on some of the new wild clothes. Bell-bottoms and English boots and wide ties. Wear a body shirt or leather dungarees or a groovy vest. Be dramatic. Leave the top button of your shirt open. Wear shades or those new rimless glasses. Think sexy. Think, I am a virile male animal. If I make love to that cute girl, she’ll get weak in the knees.

An animal-print thong can send a good impression. It can also make sitting uncomfortable.

“You’ve got a set of breasts that makes me dizzy.”

#. 10

Make her feel special Women dream of being Cleopatra– someone so enchanting, so maddeningly sexy, wild horses couldn’t keep you away. Now you know damn well that the way these girls would like you to feel is not necessarily the way you’re going to feel. Half of the time you want to pick up a girl it’s because she’s got a set of breasts that makes you dizzy. Or the face of a movie star. Or the hips of a belly dancer. Not because she has some magnetic inner quality. Or whatever the hell it is she wants you to flip over.

#. 11

Be yourself No technique can rival this. This is the greatest technique of all. You’re a pretty important person. You’re interesting, sensitive, kind and manly, and you dig chicks. And that’s plenty. The more you adjust to being “plain old you,” the more successful you will be. If you’re not the wittiest guy in the world, then don’t try to be Jerry Lewis. It just won’t look right on you.

“I’m kind of a big deal in certain advertising circles. I’m sure you’ve seen the Wordstock ’09 campaign?”

Now get out there I’ve shared the best I’ve got, and if it works for me, it will work for you. Good luck, men. I wish you all the success in the world. And I’m sure you’re going to have it.

credits Select copy from: How to Pick Up Girls! by Eric Weber Art direction: Andrea Nelson, Zech Bard Photos: Andrea Nelson Special thanks to: WK12, Curtis Pachunka, Ademar Matinian, Michael Frediani, Proofreading and Jim Riswold.

The Art of Picking Up Chicks  

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