My bum hurts! What? EDITION 51 APRIL 2010
Enjoy a Glass of wine with every meal.
Pudding club Monday to Thursday
IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED OR DON’T HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOUR THIS PUBLICATION PROBABLY ISN’T FOR YOU!
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EMAIL: firstname.lastname@example.org Hello and welcome once again to the Winchcombe & Tewkesbury Express. As always if you are easily offended please just put this down and go and buy heat or something. Clocks have now gone forward so it must be British Summertime! Thought I would mention this as it is not obvious by the weather. Maybe its the fault of the Tewkesbury Parking Taliban – all this misery must affect the local climate.....Be safe. BigEd X HEROIC Army medic Sally Clarke, who rushed to the aid of a wounded comrade while under fire, is to receive an award for her bravery. Lance Corporal Clarke, 22, won national acclaim last year for the heroism she displayed in Afghanistan while serving with 2nd Battalion The Rifles. Now, L/Cpl Clarke, from Cutsdean, near Winchcombe, is to get the Queen's Commendation for Bravery. L/Cpl Clarke, who was on the frontline for seven months, said: "I am happy but surprised to get the commendation because everyone out there did a good job. I hope I am not posted out there again because it's very scary risking your life." She was on foot patrol south of Sangin when one of her colleagues found an old Russian-style anti-tank mine. While her colleagues studied the device, insurgents fired a series of rocket propelled grenades (RPGs) over a wall. The patrol stopped and took defensive positions while they waited for experts to deal with the device. Opportunistic Taliban members fired an RPG which hit a soldier on the back of his rucksack, bouncing off and landing in the middle of the patrol. Everyone dived to take cover and two more explosions followed the first. When L/Cpl Clarke got up from the ground she saw seven of her patrol had been injured in the blasts, the most seriously with massive shrapnel wounds to his upper legs and buttocks. L/Cpl Clarke had shrapnel embedded in her shoulder and lower back, but despite her own injuries she sprung
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COMPETITIVE RATES into action, treating the rest of her patrol single-handedly. Without concern for her own welfare, L/Cpl Clarke continued to treat each soldier, patching them up and helping to move them to the helicopter landing site so they could be evacuated to hospital at Camp Bastion. It was a helicopter that she, with the injuries she had sustained, was entitled to get on to, but she refused, adamant that she would not leave the patrol without a medic. L/Cpl Clarke goes back to base in Germany in a few weeks time where a ceremony will take place at which she will accept a laurel leaf insignia to go with her Afghan medal. Her parents Rosemary and Chris said they were "hugely proud" of their daughter, even though they could not help but worry about her. Mrs Clarke said: "The commendation is deserved. It is Sally's decision in life and we always made her feel that we are there for her." The Team would like to send their congratulations to Sally. A reminder that not all soldiers in Afghanistan come from miles away, we have locals there too. SUPPORT OUR TROOPS. Police are appealing for information to three burglaries in Tewkesbury. The incidents happened overnight between Monday March 1 and Tuesday March 2 at business premises in Northway Lane in Ashchurch. Offenders have broken into three businesses and stolen several thousand pounds worth of building equipment and power tools. Anyone with any information should contact police quoting incident 23 of March 2 or call Crimestoppers anonymously on 0800 555111.
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Call David Mayhew Mobile 07971 185830 (Days) Office 01242 603328 (Eves) Police are warning butchers in Gloucestershire to be aware of a possible scam involving the purchase of large quantities of meat. The warning follows two incidents in the county where offenders attempted to purchase thousands of pounds worth of meat using stolen bankcards. On Tuesday, March 9, two meat suppliers based in Tewkesbury and Gloucester received a phone call from an individual making large orders for meat. On both occasions the butchers became suspicious and contacted the police before any produce was released. Police are asking butchers to be vigilant and to contact them immediately on 0845 090 1234 quoting incident 193 of March 9 if they have any suspicious attempted purchases.
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The Winchcombe & Tewkesbury Express - Issue 51, April 2010 - 5 -
Police in Cheltenham are issuing a warning to residents about rogue traders after a woman in Winchester Way was targeted on Thursday March 18. Two weeks ago, workmen came to the victim’s house and repaired her roof tiles. They then told her that her guttering would also need replacing and that this would cost £400. The victim told the men that she did not want them to do this work but they washed her guttering anyway. One man then returned to the victim’s house just before 10am on March 18 to ask for the £400. The victim explained that she would not be paying for this work and would be calling the police. He then left in a white van towards Salisbury Avenue. The offender is described as a white man, in his 50s, around 5ft 6 tall, of stocky build and with short dark hair. He was wearing a short red zip up jacket and dark coloured trousers. The workmen were also carrying business cards with the company name ‘Everlast’ written on them. Anyone with any information about this incident is asked to contact Gloucestershire Constabulary on 0845 090 1234 quoting incident 143 of March 18. Alternatively you can contact Crimestoppers anonymously on 0800 555 111. Follow these simple tips to avoid becoming the victim of rogue traders Use recommendations - If you are thinking of getting some work done on your home ask friends, work colleagues and neighbours to recommend a tradesperson they have used. Take a reference - Ask the tradesperson for references and ring up and speak to previous customers. Cold callers - Do not employ cold callers. They can often be quite persuasive, pointing out problems with your home that you hadn't noticed. Try not to engage them in conversation, explaining that you do not buy goods and services at the door. Get a written quote - If you do proceed with having work done on your property, get a detailed brief drawn up and a written quote prior to work starting which lists everything included in the price. Friends and family have paid tribute to an “amazing” 22-year-old who died after crashing his car. Jamie Lea, from Bishop’s Cleeve, passed away at Frenchay Hospital on Tuesday after the accident on the A435 on Sunday night. A Facebook site has been in-
undated with tributes to the popular young man, who had a passion for cars. It says: “A lovely person that is going to be missed by everyone that knew him. Remember the good old days of the Cheltenham cruze with Jamie in his fiesta. Can’t believe this has happened. RIP xxx.” His sister Rebecca Lea said on the site she was “overwhelmed” by the love and support of people who knew Jamie. She wrote: “I have just spoken to my mum and told her all the amazing things people have written and all the things you would like to do in memory of Jamie. My mum, dad, sisters and myself are totally overwhelmed by this.” Close friend Rhianna Walton said: “He was an amazing lad and did not deserve this. My thoughts go out to his girlfriend and family. He was involved in the cruise for years and he had so many friends down there.” Fire crews from Winchcombe and Tewkesbury were called to the A435 between Teddington Cross Hands roundabout and the Pamington turning near Tewkesbury at around 11.32pm on Sunday. Jamie’s Ford Fiesta was the only vehicle involved. After being taken to Cheltenham General Hospital, he was transferred to Frenchay due to the seriousness of his injuries. He lost his fight for life on Tuesday. Jamie is understood to have three sisters Sarah, Rebecca and Claire and it is believed he lived with his dad Peter in Bishop’s Cleeve. The Winchcombe & Tewkesbury Express team send their condolences to the family and friends of Jamie.
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High Street Booking Office Prince Philip put his foot in it during a visit to a barracks when he asked a young Navy sea cadet instructor if she worked in a strip club. The Duke of Edinburgh's question provoked howls of laughter from Elizabeth Rendle, 24, and her friends, reports the Daily Mail. Miss Rendle, a barmaid, said Philip had asked her what she did for a living: "I told him I worked in a club. He then asked if it was a strip club," she said. The 88-year-old royal then appeared to think better of the suggestion in the current weather and joked that such an occupation would be "too cold". The Duke was with the Queen at Wyvern Barracks in Exeter during a tour of Devon. Miss Rendle later said that, far from being offended by the question, she felt Prince Philip had been "putting people at their ease". She said: "He was just going round chatting with people, asking them what they did for a living. "It was a joke and we were all laughing which drew everyone else's attention. I don't think he put his foot in it. It was a joke and I didn't take any offence." OFFICIALS are hoping a make-over of a notorious Tewkesbury play area will help prevent further anti-social behaviour there. The Derek Graham Memorial Gardens, in Walton Cardiff Lane, has been blighted by vandalism and abusive drunken youngsters in recent years. Now the town council, which runs the facility, has spent £42,500 on installing new equipment in the middle of the field. The police advised it should be moved to a more central position, away from the edge where it was harder for officers to see what was going on. Using money obtained through the Government's Playbuilder scheme, a new slide, swing, climbing frame, tyre swing and see-saw have been put in place. Picnic tables have been added and a new perimeter fence installed. Andy Smith, chairman of the town council's play areas' committee, said: "It looks fantastic." He said the new spot should also lead to residents being less affected by noise and added: "I've been down there and there have been quite a few families there. They've all said it's great." Neighbours have even formed a Friends of the Park group to secure funding to help the council make further improvements. Mr Smith said there was still more work to be done in the gardens, which were named after former town and borough councillor Derek Graham. He was town mayor in 1976 and died in 1978. The town council hopes to get greenery thinned out by offenders, under the Probation Service's Community Payback scheme, to make the area even more visible. The new equipment is mainly made of wood and Mr Smith said: "It fits in well with the environment and it's very tough and resilient." The county council secured £160,000 to improve the play area in Tewkesbury and one in Gotherington. The money will also mean new play areas will be created in Winchcombe and Innsworth over the next year. A CHANEL handbag that was destined to be a surprise birthday gift for a teenager with leukaemia has been snatched from a Winchcombe store. Suzanne Rafferty, who runs the Fifty-o-Fifty vintage clothes shop, had reserved it for the 18-year-old. But the £400 designer bag was taken and Mrs Rafferty is now offering a reward for information about the theft. She said: "The thieves could have taken anything, but they picked the one thing that it breaks my heart to lose. "Of all the things you could
The Winchcombe & Tewkesbury Express - Issue 51, April 2010 - 7 -
RUNNERS UP In the Cotswold Life Food & Drink Awards 2009 WINNERS of National Butcher Of the Year “Journal Group”
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Bigger, Brighter, Better & Warmer!
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steal in this shop that's the one and only thing that I would fight to the death for. "I've known this young girl for six years. Life deals some people hard blows. "She's had chemotherapy and she can't go to school properly because she gets sick, but she's a bundle of laughs and is beautiful inside and out. "She's a real follower of fashion and would have known this bag was an original the moment she saw it. "They're very sought-after, never depreciate, and for the younger generation it's a status symbol to have one." The Chanel handbag and an overnight bag were bought into the shop by someone who had inherited them from her mother-in-law. When Mrs Rafferty verified they were the real deal she knew exactly who would want them. She said: "I rang up my young friend's mum and her reaction was one of sheer delight. She said it would be fulfilling her daughter's wish because she'd always wanted an original." The dark navy shoulder bag, with a quilted effect on the front, is 12ins by 8ins and has a chain link and leather interwoven strap. Anyone with information should call Mrs Rafferty on 01242 604224 or 07892 952782.
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The Winchcombe & Tewkesbury Express - Issue 51, April 2010 - 9 -
The newest DFS ad says "DFS Sale - Must end soon". To be quite honest, that's what Iâ€™ve been thinking for the past 25 years.
BBC headline :Shock as dead woman found to be alive. BBC headline: "Raiders target Cheryls ring" ....nuff said.
My wife said to me, "I'm fed up with you being so lazy, pack your bags and leave." I said, "You pack them." I just bought R Kelly's new album. There was a sticker on the cellophane. It read, 'Please keep this rapper away from babies and small children.' I got out of the shower and my wife said, "Ooo look, it's like a penis ... only smaller". I said, "Ooo look, it's like my secretary ... only fatter and less flexible". And then God created Saturn... And he liked it, so he put a ring on it. Apple will be releasing a new gadget exclusively for women later this year. It's called the iRon. A friend mentioned Hilary Swank in the title role of Amelia, but I didn't think she was THAT bad.
Two used toilet roll holders sellotaped together make ideal binoculars for viewing objects that require no magnification. The hardest part about revealing you're gay is leaving your friends behind. Not using your real name is just as good as using a condom. Channel 4 invites Gerry Adams to preach... on forgiveness. What next? At home with the Fritzl's or Gary Glitter's Top ten childminder tips? Gordon Brown has been working hard, 24 / 7 Yeah 24 hours a week, 7 months a year. In the wake of Vernon Kay's apparent infidelity, his wife Tess Daly has reportedly left him, and has already been linked with a host of new possible suitors. One name she has ruled out as a potential new husband though is former Big Brother contestant Jon Tickle.
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Cleeve Hill Garage A man who smelled strongly of beer sat down on a subway next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out Servicing for all makes & models of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes 10% competitive labour rates he turned to the priest and asked 'Father, what Discount causes arthritis?' The priest replied 'My son, it's Sales & Car Hire call With This Advert caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked Very competitive women, too much alcohol, contempt for your Rates Full AA fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and Workshop & MOT Cover Petrol or lack of a bath.' The drunk muttered 'Well, I'll be Diesel damned!' then returned to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the P MAZDA MX-5 1.6i CONVERTABLE man and apologized. 'I'm very sorry. I didn't 2 Doors, Manual, Convertible, Petrol, 1997 , 130k, Red. CD, mean to come on so strong. How long have you Alloys, Anti theft system, RCL, Airbag, Heated screen, PAS, had arthritis?' The drunk answered 'Father, I Tinted glass, Leather Sports seats, Service History, Hard don't have it. But it says here that the Pope does.' top available at extra cost. Lovely condition £2395 MORAL: Make sure of the question before offering the answer. 51 FORD Mondeo Diesel Estate
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Read these in your best Yorkshire accent: A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet. Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat." Vet: "Is it a tom?" Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it wi' us."
The Winchcombe & Tewkesbury Express - Issue 51, April 2010 - 11 -
The Pheasant The Roundabout - Toddington, Nr Winchcombe
A Guaranteed Warm Welcome Always Awaits You from Barry & his Staff.
Look out for our new & exciting Spring Menu featuring Good Home Cooked English Cuisine & our Super Sunday Roasts - Absolutely Fabulous! arriving shortly...
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- 12 - Issue 51, April 2010 - The Winchcombe & Tewkesbury Express
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The Winchcombe & Tewkesbury Express - Issue 51, April 2010 - 13 -
High Street Winchcombe Tel: 01242 604390 www.cwch.co.uk
Spring Special Take 10% off all services Tuesdays & Wednesdays With this advert. Valid until 30th April A Yorkshireman's dog dies. As it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by. Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?" Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?" Yorkshireman: "No, yer daft bugger. I want it chewin' a bone!" A Yorkshireman's wife dies and the widower decides that her headstone should have the words "she were thine" engraved on it. He calls the stone mason, who assures him that the headstone will be ready a few days after the funeral. True to his word the stone mason calls the widower to say that the headstone is ready and would he like to come and have a look. When the widower gets there he takes one look at the stone to see that it's been engraved "she were thin". He explodes. "B****y 'ell man, you've left the b****y 'e' out, you've left the b****y 'e out!" The stone mason apologises and assures the poor widower that it will be rectified the following morning. Next day comes and the widower returns to the stone mason. "There you go sir, I've put the "e" on the stone for you". The widower looks at the stone, which now reads "E, she were thin". Bloke from Barnsley with a sore backside asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?" Chemist replies "Aye, magnum or cornetto?" You can stop the Yorkshire accent now! Many aspects of human sexuality are very puzzling. Take celibacy, for example. This can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by environmental factors. While attending a marriage preparation seminar, Tony and Julie listened to the instructor declare 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.' He addressed the men. 'For instance, can you each name and describe your wife's favourite flower?' Tony leaned over, touched Julie 's arm gently and whispered 'Self-raising, isn't it?' Thus began Tony's life of celibacy. Apple has a new device out for Chinese people. The iOpener 500 years ago when men went to war it was common for them to force their wives to wear chastity belts while they were away. Therefore, in the meantime, only a locksmith could remove these chastity belts.
- 14 - Issue 51, April 2010 - The Winchcombe & Tewkesbury Express
Msn news: "Red arrows pilot ejects after crash" I'm not an aviation expert, but surely the logic is to eject before the crash? This probably explains why 'Smith' is the most common name in the phonebook A man walks into library & asks if they have any books on coincidences. The librarian says, "As a matter of fact, this one's just arrived." I come from a long line of Conga dancers. What's the definition of the bravest man in the world. The man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and smelling of perfume, slaps his wife on the arse and says: You're next, fatty. What do you get if you put a horseâ€™s head on the body of Leona Lewis?....Leona Lewis.
How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb? A one, two, a one, two, three, four. Builders. The only people with more crack than a drug dealer. â€œTwin Terror Threat' To London Olympics 2012 " Does anybody else wish that Jedward would just sod off? The pope got knocked out of the first round of the Vatican chess tournament Apparently he doesn't know the difference between a Bishop and a Queen What do you call a Russian circumciser? Asnip Yurdikov Why will Harry Carpenter be in trouble when his coffin is lowered into the grave? He'll be on the ropes.
The Winchcombe & Tewkesbury Express - Issue 51, April 2010 - 15 -
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I was at the hospital today. There was a sign that said, "For Accident and Emergency follow the red arrows". In French lessons we learnt about masculine and feminine verbs. Apparently hoovering and Ironing are not feminine verbs and will get you detention I saw a prostitute with no arms today, i asked her if it affected her work in any way, she said she couldn’t give a toss! The other day I found out that I had Erectile Dysfunction. Since then I've been down all the time. These are classified ads, which were actually placed in a U.K. Newspaper: FREE: YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!
FREE PUPPIES. 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog. FREE PUPPIES. Mother, a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd. Father, Super Dog... able to leap tall fences in a single bound. COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale. JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer £100. WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE. Worn once by mistake. FOR SALE BY OWNER. Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition.....£200 or best offer. No longer needed; got married last month & wife knows everything! Customer: 'I've been calling 700-1000 for two days and can't get through; can you help?' Operator: 'Where did you get that number, sir?' Customer: ‘It’s on the door of your business.' Operator: 'Sir, those are the hours that we are open.' Samsung Electronics Caller: ‘Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?' Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about.' Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'
Happy Birthday to Honor & Rachel Eggspert Hairdressing and value for bunny prices!
- 16 - Issue 51, April 2010 - The Winchcombe & Tewkesbury Express
Nr. Winchcombe 01242 604999 The Monday club Enjoy a glass of wine with every meal The Pudding club Monday - Thursday free pudding with Your meal ng Also Starti g Our Sprin us n e M d o o f Sea
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The Winchcombe & Tewkesbury Express - Issue 51, April 2010 - 17 -
Operator: 'I think it means the telephone plug on the wall.' RAC Motoring Services Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia?' Operator:'Does the product name give you a clue?' Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in Europe): 'If I register my car in France and then take it to England, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?' Directory Enquiries Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please' Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Are you sure that the spelling is correct?' Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off.' Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven. Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?' Caller: â€˜Yes. That's what it says on the label -- Woven in Scotland ' On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on.'
Tech Support: 'OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?' Tech Support: 'I need you to right- Customer: 'Wow! How can you see my screen from there?' click on the Open Desktop.' Caller: 'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I just realised that I Customer: 'OK.' Tech Support:'Did you get a pop- need it. So, if I turn my system clock back two weeks will I get my file back again?' up menu?' Customer:'No.' An Efficiency Expert was carrying out an audit at a major hospital. Tech Support:'OK. Right-Click While he was checking the books, he turned to the Finance Director again. Do you see a pop-up of the hospital and said "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do menu?' you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any Customer:'No.' Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell use?" "Good question," came the reply. "We save them up and send me what you have done up until them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages." "Oh," replied the Expert, somewhat this point?' disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But Customer:â€™Sure. You told me to on he went, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these plaster write 'click' and I wrote 'click'.' purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast
- 18 - Issue 51, April 2010 - The Winchcombe & Tewkesbury Express
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07920 816426 Based in Winchcombe on a patient?" "Ah, yes," replied the Finance Director, realizing that the Expert was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster." "I see," replied the Expert, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Financier... "Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?" "Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Director. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to an efficiency consultant, and every now and again they send us a complete cock. A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners.. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote 'Revelation 3:20' on the back of it and stuck it in the door. When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic
message, 'Genesis 3:10..' Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins 'Behold, I stand at the door and knock.' Genesis 3:10 reads, 'I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked.' For several years, a man was having an affair with a woman of Italian birth. One night, she confided that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he agreed to pay her a large sum of money if she would go back to Italy to have the child secretly. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the support payment to begin. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. She said 'You received a very strange post card today.' She handed the card over and watched as her husband read it, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written: 'Three portions of Spaghetti, two with meatballs, one without. Need extra sauce.' A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming and ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. He then marched down the hallway back to where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard. "What's the matter with you?" the older doctor demanded. "Mrs. Terry is 61 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?" The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up asked â€?Does she still have the hiccups?"
The Winchcombe & Tewkesbury Express - Issue 51, April 2010 - 19 -
- 20 - Issue 51, April 2010 - The Winchcombe & Tewkesbury Express
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