EDITION 57 OCTOBER 2010
Lots of things happening most nights of the week Check main ad on page 17 For our more info!
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Hello and welcome to the October Edition of the Winchcombe & Tewkesbury Express. As always...easily offended.....don’t read....thanks. You can now find the magazine online available from the 1st of every month at www.winchcombeexpress.com. There is also a forum there for everyone and everything local. Feel free to publicise your events, businesses and of course have some friendly banter with other like minded locals. You do not need to register to view the forum but you DO need to register to post or to view links, but hey, it’s free and we don’t pass on your information to anyone. Happy Halloween to you all, Stay safe! BigEd X
Thompson Decorating Painting / Decorating Wallpaper hanging Interior / Exterior
Police are investigating the theft of some wedding cards containing money. Between 2am and 2.45am on Saturday September 25 the offenders have entered a marquee which was in a field at a farm in Gretton Fields near Winchcombe and stolen some wedding cards which contained approximately £400 in cash and cheques. Thompsondec@fsmail.net As part of the celebrations there were some scarecrows dressed in vintage wed- MARK THOMPSON ding clothes, a white 1971 wedding dress Phone: 01684 274401 and a man’s black dinner jacket thought to
Mobile: 07775 793868
be around 100 years old. The offenders have also stolen these items. Witnesses report disturbing a group of youths in the driveway of the farm and police believe these people may be connected to the theft. Officers would like to speak to anyone who was in the area at the time or anyone who may have found any of the clothes or wedding cards. If you have any information you should call police on 0845 090 1234 quoting incident 378 of September 27 or call Crimestoppers anonymously on 0800 555111. Tewkesbury’s Police Safer Community Team (SCT) have been stepping up patrols in Pamington near the town following increased complaints from local residents of motorists using the road through the village as a “rat-run”. The road travelling through the village is a designated by County Highways as a no through road and anyone caught using the road as a short cut can be issued with a £30 fixed penalty ticket. Local County Council funded officer, PC Iain Yarranton, said: “Driving through Pamington has become popular in recent months for motorists wishing to avoid the traffic lights at Aston Cross, especially at peak rush hour periods, which in turn is bringing a huge increase of traffic through the village much to the annoyance of local residents. As the
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- 4 - Issue 57, Oct. 10
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road is a designated ‘No Through road’ no one should be using it unless they legitimately require access to the village.” PC Yarranton is one of 63 County Council funded officers responsible to dealing with local neighbourhood concerns in the county and is presently attached to the Tewkesbury Neighbourhood Policing team. He continued: “If residents come to us with their concerns then we are always happy to do our best to provide positive action and liaise with other partners and agencies to find a lasting solution to a problem. “Just last week I stopped over 30 vehicles using the road as a short cut
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Issue 57, Oct 10 - 5 -
and dealt with them all accordingly. Both entrances to the village are clearly marked as 'access only' so no one has an excuse if they contravene the signing and break the law". Tewkesbury shoplink radio has proved yet again that it is an invaluable tool in combating shoplifting in the town. Over the weekend a suspected shoplifter was seen removing items from one of the local stores. Within minutes, due to the efficiency of the system, all local stores were made aware, as were the local police. This resulted in PCSO Karl Simpson detaining the alleged offender, a 17-year-old girl, who was later arrested. PCSO Simpson, who was also involved in promoting the scheme, said: “Numerous shops located within the town centre now have a radio and as soon as a suspicious incident occurs then every store is soon made aware of the persons description and direction of travel. As a matter of routine I also carry a radio whilst patrolling the town and am often the first to hear of an incident.” Shoplink radio in the town was introduced several years ago and, with the assistance of the Police Safer Community Team and Tewkesbury Borough Council, was expanded last year and now incorporates over twenty local shops. PCSO Simpson continued: “Shoplink radio is an effective tool in the fight against crime and hopefully this sends out a clear message that thieving from stores will not be tolerated.” The girl was given a final warning for shoplifting. Following information from members of the public this weekend Tewkesbury Safer Community Team (SCT) worked alongside Gloucestershire’s County Council
- 6 - Issue 57, Oct. 10
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High Street Booking Office Trading Standards in an operation to prevent the sale of counterfeit DVD’s and contraband products at a car boot sale near Southam. Following the operation on Sunday September 19 officers arrested two men and seized a large quantity of DVD's and tobacco. PCSO Karl Simpson, who was involved in the operation, said: “A lot of fake goods can fund drug dealers and other organised crime. By buying counterfeit products you may also be putting local people out of jobs because genuine manufacturers can't compete with the criminals making and selling fakes.” Head of Gloucestershire County Council’s Trading Standards, Eddie Coventry, said: “Acting on information from the public, we were able to seize a large quantity of fake goods in this joint operation with the police. Counterfeit goods put local traders who sell genuine products at a disadvantage, they short change consumers as they are often poor quality and the illicit proceeds often fuel further criminal activity. We work closely with traders, car booters, the police and other partners and ensure only genuine products are offered for sale.” Both men, aged 27 and 30, were arrested on suspicion of fraud and immigration offences. They have been bailed to return to Cheltenham Police Station on November 19. There are a number of things the public can do to avoid buying fakes and counterfeit goods; Be suspicious about extreme bargains. If some-
W&TX RUNNERS UP In the Cotswold Life Food & Drink Awards 2009 WINNERS of National Butcher Of the Year “Journal Group”
Browns Butchers Issue 57, Oct 10 - 7 -
of Winchcombe Jason Brown, Telephone 01242 602333 Email: email@example.com 8a North Street, Winchcombe, Gloucestershire. GL54 5LH
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- 8 - Issue 57, Oct. 10
Bull Lane Winchcombe GL54 5HY 01242 604378
thing seems too good to be true, it probably is! Examine the quality of the goods. Check labels and packaging for misspellings and poor logos. Take extra care car boot or in other situations where it may be more difficult to get in touch with the trader after the purchase The warning follows an incident in Bourton on the Water last week in which an 84-year-old man received a phone call from a person claiming to be from his bank and stating that his debit card needed changing. They stated that they had sent a courier to collect his old card in exchange for the new one. Just a few minutes later a man arrived at his adDECORATIVE WROUGHT IRON SPECIALIST dress and exchanged the man’s old card for a ‘new one’ before leaving. Later THE FORGE, DIDBROOK that day the victim attempted to use NR. WINCHCOMBE, this new card and discovered it was not GLOUCESTERSHIRE real. He then contacted his bank and the GL54 5PF police and cancelled the old card which, TELEPHONE 01242 621008 thankfully, had not been used in the ©DBMEDIA2005
mean time. Crime Reduction Officer for Gloucestershire Police, Paul Francis, said: “This just goes to show the deceitful ways offenders will try and separate you from your money. What’s most despicable is that they often target the most vulnerable members of society. “Often when someone says they are from a bank and they are calling with something as simple as replacing a debit or credit card you may be inclined to take the call at face value but remember your bank will not ask you to hand over an old card but instead get you to destroy it. “If you are ever unsure about a business call never be afraid to check
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Issue 57, Oct 10 - 9 Charity adverts and appeals are inserted FREE for the benefit of the community and the Charities. If you want some space for a good cause, email Charity@tewkesburyexpress.com
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their credentials by saying you’ll call them back and use the number in the phone book or from your bills, not the one they give you. Legitimate callers will not mind you doing this.”
Cleeve Hill Garage - 10 - Issue 57, Oct. 10
CAR & MINIBUS HIRE 10% Discount With This Advert Very competitive Rates Full AA Cover Petrol or Diesel
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Paddy is passing by Mick's hay shed one day when through a gap in the door he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual strip in front of an old red Massey Ferguson. Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right welly, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic strip move lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers. Grabbing both sides of his check shirt he rips it apart to reveal his tea-stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap on to a pile of hay. "What the feck are you doing Mick" says Paddy. "Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin bejasus out of me" says an obviously embarrassed Mick, "...but me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I should do something sexy to a tractor."
53 VAUXHALL ASTRA DUAL FUEL 1.6 I'm not saying my wife is fat. But if I Blue, Factory fitted Dual Fuel vehicle (Petrol & LPG), Electric had to pick five of the fattest people I Windows, Long M.O.T., AirCon, PAS £1995 could think of, she would be three of them. S VOLKWAGEN GOLF 1.6 Finished in Blue, PAS, AirCon, FSH Good value £1995 BBC News: Two pedestrians die in col04 CITROEN XSARA DESIRE AUTOMATIC lision. How fast must they have been Metallic Silver, Long MOT, FSH, Electric Windows, nice walking? £3995 SKY News: 'Boy George's reptile bites 5 07 SUZUKI Swift Diesel people in one day.' He needs a calmer Local Car, FSH, 5 Door, £6295 chameleon.
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Do you think when sexy blondes go on porn websites they get adverts pop-
Issue 57, Oct 10 - 11 -
ping up saying, "A fat bloke from Watford wants to have sex with you"? Apparently, Alex Ferguson had an 80's themed party for his players. Giggs arrived in a Cavalier, Scholes in a Sierra and Rooney chose to come in an Escort. I just saw an advert for the new film: 'The Hole - Now in 3D!' Well, surely it has to be in 3D otherwise it's just a circle. Guardian article: What turns a middle-class public schoolgirl into a £1,200-a-night escort? My guess would be the £1,200 a night. What's a riot? Three dyslexic Musicians. Do women shake the petrol pump after filling up or is it just a man thing? MI6 spy 'may or may not have known his killer.' Nice to see the police are narrowing it down a bit. What do George Michael and Chilean miners have in common? Both will be free after eight weeks of heavy drilling. Just seen that Wayne Rooney has spent £1200 on a hooker. Thats about 1% of his weekly wage. I would hate to see what I'd get for 1% of my wages. Lady Ga Ga has been asked why she uses that name instead of her own. Apparently, 'Geoff' doesn't have the same ring They say that the world will be over in 2012 because that's when the Mayan calendar ends. My Calendar ends this December, should I be worried? In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Simply grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a child travelling with you, secure your own mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favourite. BBC News Boxing Commission strip Hatton of his boxing licence. This must be terrible news for the retired fighter. "Do you have a gambling problem? Perhaps you spend too much time on the internet, throwing away your money? If so, call me, Jeremy Kyle." Sponsored by FoxyBingo.com
Open Mic Nights with Dalton Thurs 14th & 28th
Karaoke 8th October
Fancy Dress Halloween Party! Sat. 30th Happy Hour Friday 6pm - 7pm
- 12 - Issue 57, Oct. 10
During Restoration W&TX
Issue 57, Oct 10 - 13 -
Are you fed up with looking at your treasured fine art paintings which may be damaged or discoloured (Oils & Watercolours)? Please contact us for a free estimate for a full specialist restoration Service for both paintings and period frames. Kenulf Fine Arts Limited Tel: 01242 609009 10 Hailes Street, Fax:01242 604042 Winchcombe. www.kenulf-fine-arts.com GL54 5HU
Before & After Restoration
- 14 - Issue 57, Oct. 10
W&TX intelligence of someone who passes an IQ test knowing full well that if they do they'll be executed. How much longer would my mouse battery last if it wasn't for that little light blinking to tell me it's running low? To Err is human. To Arr is pirate. Just been raped in the ear. Now I fear I may have hearing Aids.
A man suffered a sudden serious heart attack and had to have immediate life-saving open-heart bypass surgery in the nearest available medical facility, which happened to be run by a Catholic Order. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns and, as he was recovering, a nun asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment. She asked if he had health insurance. He replied, in a weak voice,"No health insurance." The nun asked if he had money in the bank. "No money in the bank." The nun asked "Do you have a relative who could When you're stoned you drive at 5mph,so why does George Michael help you with the cost?" He keep crashing into things? It's almost as though he's doing it deliberate- said "I only have a spinster ly, but why on earth would he want to go to priso......oh, I see. sister, and she's a nun." The I will never forget what my dear old Grandad said to me just before he nun said sternly "Nuns are kicked the bucket. He said, "Grandson... how far do you think I can kick not spinsters! Nuns are marthis bucket?" ried to God." The patient replied "OK, then send the bill Teresa Lewis has become the first woman in America to be executed in to my brother-in-law." the last 5 years. Apparently she could have been spared execution if she had an IQ level below 70. Hers was 72. You have to question the
Issue 57, Oct 10 - 15 -
This Magazine is available online, exactly as you see it here. Be the first to read it and be sure you will never miss a copy. Go to
www.winchcombeexpress.com There is also a forum for you to join in with! Have YOUR say on what's going on locally and have a bit of fun too.
Promote your Business or tell us how good your local pub / shop is! Itâ€™s your forum! Click on the forum link on the home page.
Be VERY AFRAID!!! - 16 afraid.....be - Issue 57, Oct. 10 W&TX High Street Winchcombe Tel: 01242 604390
If you think HALLOWEEN is scary, this is far more frightening! GINA PASSED HER DRIVING TEST So look out! Congratulations from all the team. XXX A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Porsche Carrera GT in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along too close to the curb and completely tore off the driver's door, dragging it away down the street. Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Porsche, his lights flashing. But, before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically about how his Porsche, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how hard the body shop tried to make it new again. After the lawyer finally wound down his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life." "How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer. The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It got ripped off when the truck hit you!!!" "OH, MY GOD!" screamed the lawyer. "MY ROLEX!" 1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi. 2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian. 3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still. 4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption. 5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery. 6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was fined for littering. 7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in linoleum blownapart. 8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie. 9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it. 10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
Issue 57, Oct 10 - 17 -
Gretton, Nr. Winchcombe 01242 604999
October special! Monday to thursday Complimentary Desserts with every meal!
Martins Curry Evening! Includes Curry & either a Pint or Glass of Wine or Dessert for just £9.00
Celebrity barman Jakes’ famous QUIZ NIGHT. Come and support him - he likes to have his “ego” stroked!
Every Wednesday Music night with Mike Finch.
Every thursday Our famous FISH & CHIPS night
Christmas is coming! Our Christmas Menu is now available.
- 18 - Issue 57, Oct. 10
spargospotting choose a perm choose highlights
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13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me. 14. A sign outside a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.' 15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. 16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran. 17. A backward poet writes inverse. 18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes. 19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion. 20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine . 21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.' 22. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies 'Yes, I'm positive.' 23. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocaine during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication. Television faux-pas: BBC's Michael Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there. They're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts." KEN Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself." MIKE Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets." JACK Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World Super bike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."
Issue 57, Oct 10 - 19 -
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- 20 - Issue 57, Oct. 10
CHRIS Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night." WINNING Post's Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees." ROSS King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg." CRICKETER Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off." CLAIR Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this." JAMES Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?" STEVE Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69." THE new stand at Doncaster racecourse took Brough Scott's breath away..."My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection." WILLIE Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions." CARENZA Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it." A FEMALE news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did he have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard! US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?" METRO RADIO - "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven dicks on the field." HARRY Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew." TED Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."
Issue 57, Oct 10 - 21 -
NEW ZEALAND Rugby commentator "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him." PAT GLENN - Weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!" Club-goers in West Yorkshire have taken to using dental syringes to inject Ecstasy directly into their mouths. This dangerous practice is known as 'E by gum' and should be reported immediately. Here are the 2010 Darwin awards. 8th Place: In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys. 7th Place: A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran", accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run. 6th Place: While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom, when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital. 5th Place: Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was robbing. Death was caused when the long torch he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free, rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor. 4th Place: Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he tried to win a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger. 3rd Place : After walking around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into a firearms store intent on robbing it. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed policeman was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire and several customers
- 22 - Issue 57, Oct. 10
Professional Bath Resurfacing 5 Year Guarantee www.shirebathrenamelling.co.uk References available from Grapevine Hotel, Stow-on-the-Wold 01451 830 344 also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt. HONOURABLE MENTION : Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 a.m. So they lit a stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice the window was closed. RUNNER UP : Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 a.m. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of linesman's cable lay nearby. They secured one end around Bingham's leg and then tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located. AND THE WINNER IS... Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn, Germany) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief. Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded. The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him. I went fishing this morning but after a while I ran out of worms. Then I saw a water snake with a frog in its mouth. Frogs are good bass bait. Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in its mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket. Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bitten. So I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. Its eyes rolled back, and it went limp. I released the snake into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog. A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. There was the same snake with another frog in his mouth.
The Bugatti Inn W&TX
Issue 57, Oct 10 - 23 -
Gretton. GL54 5EU. 01242 602471
We boast a wide range of food to cater to everyone's needs, including many Coeliac friendly, Vegetarian and Healthy options Extensive Menu • • Ample Parking Lunches • • Beautiful Gardens • Homemade Food Open All Day Sunday • Theme Nights • • Real Ales
For bookings pop in or call us on 01242 602471
Fresh Fish from Newlyn 5th & 6th November
Booking highly recommended
Coffee Mornings Wednesdays 9am - 11am
FIFTY O FIFTY Ltd.
- 24 - Issue 57, Oct. 10
For all your vintage clothing & accessories