“NEW YEAR’S DAY IS FREEDOM…TO DO ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.” P. 21 WWEEK.COM
VOL 42/09 12.30.2015
WILLAMETTE WEEK PORTLAND’S NEWSWEEKLY
THE YEAR IN NUMBERS STATS TELL THE STORY OF PORTLAND IN 2015. PAGE 12
Willamette Week DECEMBER 30, 2015 wweek.com
WHAT WE LEARNED FROM READING THIS WEEK’S PAPER VOL. 42, ISSUE 9.
Glenn Beck didn’t like the new Star Wars movie. 7
Oregon has 1.3 million cows but only 85 wolves. 13 The new year will see Chick-fil-A return to Portland and the debut of a locally owned chicken sandwich shop that donates to LGBTQ causes. 20 Breakside’s new cream ale is very likely cursed. 24
The Year in Numbers by WW staff, photo by maya Setton.
“NEW YEAR’S DAY IS FREEDOM…TO DO ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.” P. 21
ON THE COVER:
If you want to see a stained-glass portrait of Voodoo Doughnut co-founder Tres Shannon, there is a place—in Taiwan. 25 June 24 was the last day Portland had a rock club either above or below an Ethiopian restaurant. 27 Fred Armisen dressed up as a drag queen Zooey Deschanel at least once in the past year. 39 Finally, there’s an R-rated superhero movie coming out. 41
OUR MOST TRAFFICKED STORY ONLINE THIS WEEK:
THE YEAR IN NUMBERS STATS TELL THE STORY OF PORTLAND IN 2015.
The Gresham bakery fined for refusing to serve lesbians finally handed over some of the money it raised for fines.
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Israel Bayer nailed this [“Kvetch Fest!” WW, Dec. 23, 2015]. I keep hearing people complaining about homeless people being around (wince). Like the homeless are super-stoked to be in your neighborhood. We should just let people be. So no bitching about “campers” or people under a bridge or people who spend every night of the winter in the rain. It’s a crappy way to live, and I’m sure they know it better than we do. —Cedric Justice Please, let’s do kvetching all year long, but only by those who understand how to kvetch without sounding like a pain in the tush. I enjoyed the story immensely, thanks. —“Multnomah” So much self-important angst over nothing whatsoever. I’d like that five minutes of my life back. —“BigJared”
BUSING WEST HILLS KIDS
STATE OFFICIALS’ BEHAVIOR
the rest of the world is playing chess.”
I am hopeful that if this did go through, amazing cross-cultural exchanges would ensue. People might end up befriending people they would
You stated in your [Dec. 9] article that “Oregon Law requires the camera operator to put tickets in the mail within six days.” The date of oﬀense for my red-light ticket was Nov. 21, and the postmark was Dec. 7—11 working days. Do I have a case? —Sandi P.
I think what you’re saying, Sandi, is that you’re guilty as sin, but you’re hoping that a trivial bureaucratic snafu means you won’t face the consequences of your reckless, puppy-endangering actions. Well, lucky you—you might be right. As Justice removes her blindfold to shed a single, tiny tear, let’s explore your options. First, the bad news: My previous column slightly oversimplified the case. The time limit on photo radar (i.e., speeding) tickets is, indeed, six days. However, the figure for red-lightcamera tickets is 10 days. That means the state Willamette Week DECEMBER 30, 2015 wweek.com
If you think the well-heeled parental collective that inhabits the West Hills will ever let this happen, then you’re either entirely off your nut or suffering from an incurable case of egalitarian liberalism. —“TyroneShoelaces”
Oregon Gov. Kate Brown was previously secretary of state, charged with investigating (auditing) such matters as listed here [“The Naughty List,” WW, Dec. 23, 2015]. I guess “Portland this golden girl really did a Public Schools bang-up job of ensuring lawful is trying to play governance. checkers while —Bob Clark
This proposal sounds like Portland Public Schools is trying to play checkers while the rest of the world is playing chess [“Over the River,” WW, Dec. 23, 2015]. Board members suffer from what F.A. Hayek called the “fatal conceit,” namely that “man is able to shape the world around him according to his wishes.” Kids aren’t checker pieces, and parents should see this proposal as one more reason that a virtual government monopoly school system shouldn’t assign kids to specific schools based on their ZIP codes, even if board-member motives are good. —Steve Buckstein
never otherwise meet or interact with. —“ThatOtherBrownGuy”
OUR MUSIC OPINIONS
This article was totally on point, although I’ll still take Divers over all those Seattle bands [“The Critical Confessional,” WW, Dec. 23, 2015]. —“Square Mile”
Last week’s story on Portland Public Schools boundary changes (“Over the River,” WW, Dec. 23, 2015) included a map that incorrectly identified the location of Skyline K-8 School. The school is located on Northwest Skyline Boulevard. WW regrets the error. LETTERS TO THE EDITOR must include the author’s street address and phone number for veriﬁcation. Letters must be 250 or fewer words. Submit to: 2220 NW Quimby St., Portland, OR 97210. Email: email@example.com.
really only blew its deadline by a day, which is not all that egregious. That said, when regular people miss government deadlines by one day, government routinely tells them to get lost, so no mercy. I polled several lawyers, and the common threads that emerged were “there are no guarantees” and “it depends on the judge.” Still, most agreed that the state’s failure to meet the conditions spelled out in ORS 810.436 (1)(d) could be grounds for dismissal. I am not a lawyer (some would say I’m not even a journalist), and this is not legal advice. That said, according to Portland lawyer Bear Wilner-Nug ent, if you want to contest a ticket, “[You] should be prepared to plead not guilty, post bail and request a hearing.” Once you’re there, you can politely point out the discrepancy and request a dismissal. “You can use plain language, but you better cite the right statute,” Wilner-Nugent says. I recommend looking up that statute yourself, perhaps even printing a copy. Whatever you do, don’t just take the word of some a-hole in the newspaper. QUESTIONS? Send them to firstname.lastname@example.org
Willamette Week DECEMBER 30, 2015 wweek.com
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Willamette Week DECEMBER 30, 2015 wweek.com
SAVE A SEAT FOR CHIP KELLY. Portland Timbers and Thorns fans may get a late holiday present: expanded seating at Providence Park. Oﬃcials at the city of Portland, which owns the 21,144-seat stadium, and the adjacent Multnomah Athletic Club say Timbers oﬃcials have contacted them about possibly adding seats at the south end of the ﬁeld. Providence Park has open space between the south goal line and the MAC. Timbers president Mike Golub says the team has engaged an architect and would like to make a “meaningful” addition of 1,000 to 2,000 seats if the numbers pencil out and the city and the MAC concur. The team would pay for all work and hopes to decide whether the project is feasible in the next 90 days. “It has to make economic sense,” Golub says, “but we’re excited by the notion.” The Major League Soccer-champion Timbers have sold out 90 consecutive games, and the Thorns FC led the National Women’s Soccer League in attendance last season. Many Oregonians will get to vote on marijuana again in 2016. Eighty-two Oregon cities and counties have banned recreational pot shops from operating; in 36 of those jurisdictions— from Manzanita to Fairview to Lake Oswego—residents will vote on those bans in the November 2016 general election. Portland lawyer Bear Wilner-Nugent is preparing for even more ballot battles: He’s compiling an online database of every local elected oﬃcial who voted to ban cannabis, along with their next election date and the opponent who garnered the most votes in their last race. (Find the link at wweek. com.) “I’m not personally of means to fund a campaign, but I did have enough cash to hire a young Reedie to compile the data,” Wilner-Nugent says. “This is putting local oﬃcials on notice that their actions are being monitored.” The Oregon Employment Relations Board on Dec. 2 dismissed a complaint by the Portland Fireﬁghters Association that the city of Portland violated collective bargaining provisions when it made budget cuts in 2013. The cuts—which reduced two ﬁre companies—came after informal discussions between Mayor Charlie Hales’ oﬃce and the ﬁre union’s president, Alan Ferschweiler. The employment board says those talks constituted “collective bargaining.” Union attorney Barbara Diamond says the ﬁreﬁghters ﬁled an appeal Dec. 17, arguing that the board’s deﬁnition of collective bargaining is too broad. “It’s a pretty signiﬁcant change,” she says, “and we just don’t agree.” WW has hired Rachel Monahan as a news reporter. Monahan previously worked at Harper’s and the New York Daily News, where she covered the Brooklyn borough and then education. WW also named Aaron Mesh as news editor. Mesh joined WW as a movie critic in 2006, and has been a news reporter for the paper since 2012. “I’m thrilled with these additions to our newsroom,” says WW editor and publisher Mark Zusman. “These are people who are devoted to journalism and have a passion for building a better Portland.” Read the top stories of 2015.
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Top 10 Stories of 2015 FREE COLLEGE AND OTHER TRUE TALES POPULAR ON WWEEK.COM. They say you can’t serve both God and money. But you sure can click on both. Nearly every one of the WW stories you loved the most in 2015 featured a little faith or a whole lot of greenbacks. Our annual roundup of the most-read stories on wweek.com starts with the offer of a free college diploma, and concludes with the abrupt silencing of Christmas songs at a beloved shrine. In between, readers flocked to stories about how our city’s irreligion offended a radio host, what new costs of living made one artist pack her bags, and why a Catholic school withdrew a job offer to a gay staffer. That last conflict—between God and gay rights—may prove to be the defining fight of 2015. It sure was if you judged by Web traffic. Three of our 10 most popular stories featured discrimination against LGBTQ people by institutions whose Christian beliefs forbid same-sex marriage. It didn’t hurt that in each story, cash was at stake. Our list doesn’t include some perennial features (like Restaurant Guide, Bar Guide and Reasons to Love Portland) that always draw a lot of eyeballs. It does, however, include strippers, video poker machines and talk radio: all the good vices. Say a little prayer for us in 2016—and thanks for continuing to read our stories. 1. “Oregon Will Become Second State to Offer Free Community College,” July 7 The story: Lawmakers led by state Sen. Mark Hass (D -Beaverton) and Rep. Mark Johnson (R-Hood River) pushed $10 million in funding for 2016-17 through a Legislature notorious for stiffing higher education, guaranteeing free community college for recent Oregon high-school graduates. S i n ce t h e n : There are some strings attached to the wildly popular concept of free community college: You have to be poor enough to qualify; you have to have earned at least a 2.5 grade-point average in high school; and (looking at you, Californians) you have to have lived in Oregon for at least 12 months. Both Hass and Johnson have journeyed to the White House to explain the new program, and the state is gearing up for 7,000 students expected to take advantage of it next year. Hass thinks reader interest
in the bill reflects a crisis in higher-education affordability. “You go through affluent areas of Beaverton in my district, and even there, people don’t have a plan to pay for college,” he says. “It’s a very real dynamic.” NIGEL JAQUISS. 2. “Glenn Beck Names Portland the Worst City in America,” Aug. 13 The story: Right-wing radio host Glenn Beck named Portland his No. 1 city to “avoid like the plague,” citing our perpetual high ranking among cities with the fewest people who are affiliated with an organized religion. Beck said such godlessness makes Portland the top city “you do not want to live anywhere around as things get worse and worse.” Since then: Beck continues to champion unpopular opinions. For example, he doesn’t think Star Wars: The Force Awakens deserves a 98 on Rotten Tomatoes. On Facebook, he told his 3,298,878 followers: “Maybe I was alone but I spent a lot of time thinking things like ‘man Carrie Fisher’s voice has gotten deep’ and ‘wow, Harrison Ford is moving like he hurts’.” Meanwhile, Portland’s dry summer was replaced by record rainfalls, big landslides and floods. We have a bad feeling about this. LIZZY ACKER. 3. “Boo(bs)! Portland’s First Strip Club Haunted House,” Oct. 23 The story: Dick Hennessy, a DJ at Spyce Gentlemen’s Club in Old Town, organized a stripper-staffed haunted house above the club themed after the seven deadly strip club sins—e.g., “Thou shalt not try to kiss thy dancer.” Since then: The haunted house made Maxim, and appeared as an item on a public-radio quiz show. Sample joke by the show’s host: “Is it like chlamydia jumps out from behind a corner?” Our visit found naked women gnawing on body parts, naked women covered in blood, naked women putting high heels through people’s eye sockets, and young couples lining up outside like they were waiting for brunch. “Over 1,000 people showed up over the three nights,” says Hennessy, “the biggest nights we’ve ever seen. The final night, the line went through the club and then the length of a single block.” Hennessy says preparation for the 2016 version starts in January: “We’ll do a different twist, tighten the screws and make it even more professional and even more over the top.” MATTHEW KORFHAGE. CONT. on page 8
C H AY L E E B R O W N
oregon will become the second state to offer free community college
02 Glenn Beck Names Portland the Worst City in America
BOO(Bs)! portland’s first strip club haunted house
Willamette Week DECEMBER 30, 2015 wweek.com
vow of silence
R YA N L A B R I E R E
portland, I love you, but you’re forcing me out
South Park Co-Creator Matt Stone Pays to Save Eastmoreland Sequoias bittersweet cake
4. “Portland, I Love You but You’re Forcing Me Out,” Oct. 21 The story: Portland artist Carye Bye, a prominent bike activist and founder of a 13,000-strong Facebook group called Hidden Portland for the Curious, explained how rapidly increasing rents and the loss of weirdness made her decide to move to San Antonio. Since then: “So many artists came up to me and thanked me for writing the story,” Bye tells WW. “Let’s not talk about the online response. What we practice at the Hidden Portland for the Curious Facebook group is the concept that not every post is for you, so you don’t need to complain about a topic you weren’t interested in reading in the first place.” Bye still intends to move to San Antonio—in March. “Many people have tried to talk me out of it by scaring me with bugs and heat,” she says. “I grew up in Georgia, folks.” MARTIN CIZMAR. 5. “Vow of Silence,” Aug. 25 The story: Catholic all-girls high school St. Mary’s Academy hired Lauren Brown as a college counselor, withdrew the job offer when she told them she’s gay, then tried to pay her a year’s salary—$41,538—plus benefits if she wouldn’t talk about why she was fired. She talked about it. Since then: St. Mary’s reversed its hiring policy with8
Willamette Week DECEMBER 30, 2015 wweek.com
in 24 hours of Brown telling her story to WW—effectively unlocking the closet doors for the school’s LGBTQ faculty and staff. But St. Mary’s had already given Brown’s job to someone else. Brown, who is now working as an interim admissions counselor at Lewis & Clark College, received an undisclosed settlement from St. Mary’s in November. “St. Mary’s recognizes that Catholic teachings include the principle that all individuals, without regard to their sexual orientation, must be treated with respect, compassion and sensitivity,” St. Mary’s administrators said in a prepared statement. “We sincerely and deeply regret any harm caused by failing to live up to these values.” AARON MESH. 6. “Bittersweet Cake,” July 21 The story: Rachel and Laurel Bowman-Cryer, a lesbian couple, broke their silence with the media by telling WW the story of their experience in 2013, when Aaron Klein, co-owner of the Gresham bakery Sweet Cakes by Melissa, refused to bake a cake for their civil commitment ceremony. Since then: Paul Thompson, the Bowman-Cryers’ attorney, says the couple has led a quiet life in the months since Labor Commissioner Brad Avakian’s July 2 ruling that the owners of Sweet Cakes by Melissa owe them $135,000 in damages. They haven’t gotten paid, because the case is on appeal. (See story No. 9,
page 9.) “I’m pleased to report that my clients don’t have a whole lot going on except taking care of their kids, enjoying the holidays and spending time with family,” Thompson says. “They are just bystanders in the appeal.” NIGEL JAQUISS. 7. “South Park Co-Creator Matt Stone Pays to Save Eastmoreland Sequoias,” Sept. 17 The story: Three sequoias in the Southeast Portland neighborhood of Eastmoreland were threatened by a developer’s chain saw—until environmental activist “Lorax” Dave Walters lived in one of the trees for nearly three days. Neighbors then secured an $800,000 deal to buy the two properties—funded in part by South Park cocreator Matt Stone. Since then: The coalition that saved the trees financed the deal with a loan. Neighbor Arthur Bradford says the group still has to pay off $170,000, plus interest, to a group of private lenders. Activists are fundraising by selling T-shirts, pint glasses and growlers—and hope to eventually turn the property surrounding the sequoias into a public park. In February, Portland developer Ethan Beck will start construction of a 2,400-square-foot house on the lot that doesn’t have trees. “I think the fact that there’s going to be a house there is proof that development and big trees can coexist,” Bradford says. COBY HUTZLER.
8. “Man Vs. Machine,” March 4 The story: Justin Curzi, a Portland startup consultant, sued the Oregon Lottery on Dec. 31, 2014, alleging widespread deceptive practices in its video poker machines. Using public records, Curzi found that a feature called auto-hold—which gives video poker players advice about which cards to keep before drawing for a second time—sometimes gave bad advice that may have held back as much as $134 million from players between 2009 and 2014. Since then: Experts told WW in March that Curzi’s odds of prevailing in court were slim. In June, a Multnomah County Circuit Court judge dismissed his case, mostly on a technicality. Curzi hadn’t met a state-mandated deadline to sue. Curzi appealed on Nov. 6. “I still think we have a strong case,” says his attorney, Jay Zollinger. BETH SLOVIC. 9. “Gresham Bakery Must Pay $135,000 for Discriminating Against Lesbian Couple,” July 2 The story: The Oregon Bureau of Labor and Industries ruled that Sweet Cakes by Melissa owners Aaron and Melissa Klein owed Rachel and Laurel Bowman-Cryer $135,000 in damages for discriminating against them based on sexual orientation. Since then: The Kleins refused to comply with BOLI’s order for nearly six months. On Dec. 28, they finally deposited the money with the state, but will keep fighting BOLI’s ruling in the Oregon Court of Appeals. “Aaron and Melissa Klein are devoted to honoring God in every aspect of their lives, including how they conduct themselves in this litigation,” their attorney, Tyler Smith, tells WW. “The least-expensive option to stay in compliance with the law was to pay the Oregon Bureau of Labor and Industries.” NIGEL JAQUISS. 10. “Portland Public Schools Orders Choirs to Stop Singing at the Grotto,” Oct. 7 The story: Portland Public Schools’ general counsel ordered choirs to stop performing at the Festival of Lights, a yearly Christmas celebration at Northeast Portland Catholic shrine the Grotto. Since then: After WW reported the ban, a public outcry prompted several PPS School Board members to challenge it. Their effort failed, but several choirs regrouped, performing instead at a music venue called the Old Church. Meanwhile, several Portland-area public school districts, including David Douglas, sang this month at the annual festival. BETH SLOVIC.
08 man vs. machine
Gresham Bakery Must Pay $135,000 for Discriminating Against Lesbian Couple
Portland Public Schools Orders Choirs to Stop Singing at the Grotto Willamette Week DECEMBER 30, 2015 wweek.com
Willamette Week DECEMBER 30, 2015 wweek.com
r ya n l a b r i e r e
Ratted Out REVELATIONS ABOUT A PORTLAND POLICE SNITCH LEAD TO DRUG OFFENDERS BEING SPRUNG FROM PRISON. By aa r o n m e s h
The Multnomah County District Attorney’s Office has directed state corrections officials to release six drug offenders from prison, and free another 24 from parole, probation and post-prison supervision, following revelations about the Portland police informant who testified against them. The release of prisoners is part of sweeping overhauls to the DA’s informant policy after a WW story showed how a Portland Police Bureau snitch named George Taylor bought drugs undercover at the same time he worked for a Detroit crime syndicate scamming iPhones from Verizon, T-Mobile and AT&T stores in three states TAYLOR (“Rat Tale,” WW, Sept. 2, 2015). Earlier this year, District Attorney Rod Underhill’s office dismissed eight pending drug cases in which Taylor served as an informant, and pledged to examine all cases in which he bought drugs. Prosecutors tell WW they have found 57 total cases—39 of them resulting in convictions. Last month, the DA’s office finished releasing prisoners and removing convicts from parole, and mailed Taylor’s full criminal history to attorneys who represented all 57 defendants. “None of the Taylor defendants are currently incarcerated or under any form of supervision,” says senior deputy district attorney John Copic, who took over the drug unit in January. “No court ordered us to do anything, but under the circumstances, we felt it was the right thing to do.” For three years, Taylor, a career criminal who had spent more than 23 years in prison and sported white-pride tattoos, bought cocaine, meth and heroin undercover for Portland cops. At the same time, according court records and interviews with WW, Taylor worked for Detroitbased phone smugglers who flew him to Oklahoma City and Kansas City to buy iPhones in bulk
for resale on the Asian black market. Taylor’s unmasking generated perhaps greater consequences than the misdeeds of any Portland police informant in decades. This summer, after defense lawyers raised questions about Taylor, the DA’s office began requiring Portland police to vet snitches with prosecutors before using them. Following WW’s story about Taylor’s double life, prosecutors have begun preparing bios— including all criminal arrests and convictions— for every informant they use who might testify to grand juries or in court. They will now provide such information to defense lawyers along with initial police reports. That’s a dramatic change from how prosecutors handled Taylor’s criminal background. Prosecutors are legally obligated to disclose what’s called exculpatory information that could help the accused. But WW found four cases in which they didn’t do so—and instead gave at least one defense lawyer the rap sheet of an entirely different person. Graham Fisher, one of the defense lawyers who brought Taylor’s behavior to light, says he remains skeptical. “My greater concern is the culture that allowed this communication breakdown to happen 57 times,” Fisher says. “Unless this is addressed, it seems likely that similar problems will continue to plague our system.” In August, Portland Police Chief Larry O’Dea launched an internal investigation into the handling of Taylor. “The investigation has not reached the chief’s desk for resolution yet,” says PPB spokesman Sgt. Pete Simpson. Taylor, who pleaded no contest in August to beating his girlfriend and was sent back to state prison, is eligible for parole in April. He’s not the only one having trouble going straight. The DA’s office says that since Taylor’s double life as a police snitch was revealed, 22 of the 39 people convicted on his testimony have been arrested again—and seven have been convicted of delivering drugs. And while prosecutors admit Taylor’s work tainted their cases, all of those 39 offenders will still have the drug busts Taylor helped prosecutors win on their criminal records. Copic says none of the offenders released from jail has requested that his or her convictions be overturned. “Our review of the files indicated that all 39 of the convictions should stand,” Copic says. “We’re still open to hearing from defendants and defense attorneys, if they feel they have an actual claim of innocence.” Fisher says the convictions and arrests made on Taylor’s testimony should be sealed. “Nobody should be denied a job or housing because of these cases,” he says.
ACNE FREAKING YOU OUT? Know your research study options. Call 503-226-DERM Oregon Dermatology and Research Center 2565 NW Lovejoy St. Suite 200 Portland OR 97210 www.phoeberichmd.com Willamette Week DECEMBER 30, 2015 wweek.com
The number of statistics we believe it takes to tell the story of how life in Portland changed in 2015.
THE YEAR IN NUMBERS STATS TELL THE STORY OF PORTLAND IN 2015.
ILLUSTRATIONS BY JULIA HUTCHINSON
Out-of-state driver’s licenses turned in to Oregon DMVs through November by people moving into the state. That number is more than last year but less than 1996’s peak of 83,383.
Number of Portland taxi permits in January 2015.
Number of Portland taxi permits in December 2015. 12
Willamette Week DECEMBER 30, 2015 wweek.com
New residential units added in Portland so far this year. That’s five times as many as were added in 2009.
Applications for homedemolition permits in Portland in 2014.
Applications for homedemolition permits in Portland in 2015, as of Dec. 22.
Average rent in dollars for a market-rate onebedroom apartment in Portland in January.
Average rent in dollars for a market-rate onebedroom apartment in Portland in December.
Average rent in dollars for a market-rate onebedroom apartment in the Pearl District in January.
THE GAMES WE PLAY 4
Number of players who can simultaneously gobble dots on Pac-Man Battle Royale, the most popular cabinet game at downtown retro arcade Ground Kontrol.
Dollars that LaMarcus Aldridge will be paid over his four seasons with the San Antonio Spurs.
Dollars that Aldridge could have received over five seasons if he’d signed the league-maximum contract offered by the Portland Trail Blazers.
Biggest Oregon Lottery payout, in dollars, in 2015, to John Cason, who purchased a Megabucks ticket March 4 at a 7-Eleven in Beaverton.
Dollars in Oregon Lottery commissions generated so far this year by the video poker and Keno machines at Shari’s Airport Way No. 218 in Northeast Portland, the largest amount paid by the state to a single lottery vendor.
THE GREAT OUTDOORS 800,000
Dollars paid in September to save three Eastmoreland sequoias from being razed for infill housing.
Number of Hawthorne Bridge crossings by bike in 2014.
Number of Hawthorne Bridge crossings by bike in 2015, as of Dec. 22.
Number of bike trips on Tilikum Crossing since it opened Sept. 12.
Inches of rain in Portland in December as of press time. The previous record was 13.35 inches.
Hours protesters spent dangling from the St. Johns Bridge to block an icebreaking ship headed to an Arctic oil-drilling site.
Acres of Oregon State Forest land burned in 2015 in wildfires caused by lightning.
Acres of Oregon State Forest land burned in 2015 in wildfires caused by people.
Visitors in 2015 to Valley of the Rogue State Park outside Grants Pass. It was the most-visited state park in Oregon.
Inches of antlers on the largest whitetail deer shot in Oregon this year. It’s a new all-time record.
Number of wolves living in Oregon in 2015. That’s a four-wolf increase from 2014.
Number of cows living in Oregon in 2015.
Average rent in dollars for a marketrate one-bedroom apartment in the Pearl District in December.
Airbnb listings active in Portland, a 53 percent increase since last December.
Short-term rental hosts (including those using Airbnb) that have applied for the supposedly mandatory city permit and safety inspection.
Refugees who arrived in Oregon in fiscal year 2015.
Syrian refugees who arrived in Oregon in fiscal year 2015.
Consecutive sellouts of Providence Park by the Portland Timbers.
Most game minutes the Timbers went between scoring goals. They scored at the end of their game against New York on April 19, went scoreless against the Sounders and the Whitecaps, then scored 64 minutes into their match against Montreal on May 9.
Most game minutes the Portland Thorns went between scoring goals. They were scoreless for three games before getting a goal in the 33rd minute of their match against the Western New York Flash.
Points the Oregon Ducks football team scored during its run to last season’s national title game.
Points the Ducks football team scored in this year’s run to the Valero Alamo Bowl.
Major league soccer championships won by Portland teams in the past three years. The Timbers won in 2015, while the Thorns won in 2013.
Years since the Trail Blazers have won an NBA championship.
Reported lobbying expenditures in dollars by Broadway Cab at Portland City Hall in 2015, as of Sept. 30.
Reported lobbying expenditures in dollars by ride-sharing app Uber at Portland City Hall in 2015, as of Sept. 30.
Days between July 8, 2014, when The Oregonian reported that Aldridge would sign a contract extension with the Trail Blazers, and July 4, 2015, when he signed with the Spurs, ending Portland’s title hopes for the foreseeable future.
Miles of Portland streets that remain unpaved at year’s end.
Points that separated the Ohio State Buckeyes from the Ducks in the 42-20 title game blowout Jan. 12.
cont. on page 14
Dollars raised by Portland web data company Janrain, the largest funding round for a Portland tech startup this year.
Purchase price in dollars for Precision Castparts by multinational holding company Berkshire Hathaway, the largest acquisition of an Oregon company this year.
Willamette Week DECEMBER 30, 2015 wweek.com
LAW & ORDER 31
Number of homicides so far in Portland in 2015.
Portland homicides that involved a firearm.
Portland homicides police believe were gang-related.
Number of people murdered at Umpqua Community College in Roseburg, Ore., by a 26-year-old gunman Oct. 1.
New applications for concealed handgun licenses in Multnomah County in November 2014.
New applications for concealed handgun licenses in Multnomah County in November 2015.
Lawyers who are active members of the Oregon State Bar.
Oregon State Bar lawyers who identify as black.
Dollars awarded in the largest individual legal judgment in Oregon this year. The Oregon Court of Appeals upheld a Multnomah County Circuit Court’s award from tobacco giant Philip Morris to the estate of Michelle Schwarz.
Dollars raised on GoFundMe for the hospital bills of Christopher Mintz, a victim of the Umpqua Community College shooting. It was the biggest Oregon campaign on GoFundMe in 2015.
Dollars raised by the Coolest, a Portland cooler company that had 2015’s biggest Kickstarter campaign in the city. Some who backed the Coolest Cooler are still waiting for their coolers with radios and blenders built in, but you can buy one on Amazon now for $379.
Dollars raised by Sweet Cakes by Melissa since the state ordered it must pay $135,000 to the lesbian couple whose wedding cake the company refused to bake.
Days following the state order it took the owners of Sweet Cakes by Melissa to deposit a check with the state, pending the outcome of their court appeal.
Number of students at David Douglas High School, the high school with the largest enrollment in Portland.
Square footage of David Douglas High School.
Square feet per student.
Number of students at Jefferson High School, the high school with the smallest enrollment in Portland.
Square footage of Jefferson High School.
Salary in dollars of a member of the Portland School Board.
Number of Portland State University students studying management, the school’s most popular major. That’s 7 percent of the school’s undergraduates.
New hair design certifications issued in Oregon so far in 2015.
New journeyman plumber licenses issued in Oregon through November 2015.
Square feet per student.
Dollars spent in the race for the Zone 3 seat on the Portland School Board.
Contributors who gave $1 million or more to Oregon Health & Science University’s billion-dollar Knight Cancer Challenge. The total number of donors was more than 10,000.
Approximate number of Oregon high-school graduates eligible for free community college because of 2015 legislation.
Willamette Week DECEMBER 30, 2015 wweek.com
FOOD, DRINK AND SMOKE 834
Barrels of Deschutes Brewery beer sold in Oregon in 2015 through the month of October, the most of any Oregon brewery including Widmer Brothers.
Price in dollars for a shot of John Walker, the most expensive shot of whiskey available to the public at the Multnomah Whiskey Library. (“There are more expensive whiskeys,” said our interlocutor over the phone, “but those are all in private collections.”)
Gallons sold in 2015 of the state’s most popular liquor, HRD Vodka, which retook its traditional top spot from Fireball Cinnamon Whiskey.
Price in dollars for a 3-liter Jeroboam bottle of Bollinger La Grande Année 1999 Brut Champagne at Pix Patisserie, which is its most expensive bottle. By the glass, Pix’s costliest bubbly is a mere $28, for a stem of the Boizel Brut Millesime 2002.
Estimated pounds of chicken fried up at Reel ‘M’ Inn during the course of the year.
Price in dollars of the most expensive steak in Portland, a 40-ounce Tomahawk bone-in ribeye at Ruth’s Chris downtown. The petite hostess swears she almost finished one all by herself.
Percentage of Multnomah County residents with an active Oregon Trail card, our state’s fancy term for “food stamps.”
Distance in miles to the seventh Voodoo Doughnut, in Taipei, Taiwan.
Price in dollars of the most expensive menu cocktail in Portland, a heady mix of Thunderbird and Night Train at Le Bistro Montage called the Ex-Wife. The price of the drink is payable in monthly installments for the rest of your life.
Distance in miles to Blue Star Donuts’ fifth location, in a Tokyo shopping mall.
Price in dollars of the lamb burger at the Feisty Lamb, the most expensive hamburger in Portland since the last $20 hamburger in Portland, which was the foie gras burger at the now-defunct Gilt Club.
Beers sold at the Oregon Zoo during the course of the year.
Percentage of THC in the strongest strain tested by Cascadia Labs, a batch of White Super Skunk. (Sorry, Portland, the identity of the grower is confidential.)
CONT. on page 15
Cannabis dispensaries along Sandy Boulevard’s “Green Mile.”
Actual distance in miles of “The Green Mile,” which starts at Southeast 7th Avenue and ends at Northeast 153rd Avenue.
Number of liquor stores in Portland. Dispensaries selling recreational marijuana in Portland. State lawmakers authorized medical dispensaries to sell weed to all Oregonians beginning Oct. 1.
Liquor stores in the rest of Oregon.
Dispensaries selling recreational marijuana in the rest of Oregon.
Willamette Week DECEMBER 30, 2015 wweek.com
Number of times registered Democrats outnumber registered Republicans in Multnomah County. (There are 227,179 Dems to 61,806 GOP voters.)
Bills passed in the 2015 legislative session, out of 2,641 introduced.
Bills vetoed from the 2015 session.
Days between Gov. John Kitzhaber’s swearing-in for a fourth term and the day he announced his resignation.
Dollars allocated for foster children that Mary Holden, executive director of foster care agency Give Us This Day, spent on Louis Vuitton luggage. A WW report in October led to a state shutdown of Give Us This Day and a shakeup of leadership at the Oregon Department of Human Services.
Dollars the state of Oregon has spent so far on litigation with Oracle over responsibility for the failed healthinsurance exchange Cover Oregon.
New Oregon Medicaid patients who signed up since Obamacare went into effect Jan. 1, 2014.
Dollars that Wieden + Kennedy founder Dan Wieden saved on his state income taxes over five years by buying energy tax credits from TriMet at 75 cents on the dollar.
Former Portland mayors who announced they were endorsing Mayor Charlie Hales’ challenger, Ted Wheeler, in the 2016 election.
Value in dollars of consulting contracts accepted by former Oregon first lady Cylvia Hayes from energy groups while working as an energy policy consultant to Kitzhaber.
Year by which Hayes planned to write the first of three books, according to emails leaked to WW in February.
Number of pages in the Oregon State Police report on who leaked Kitzhaber’s emails to WW. The whistle-blower, Michael Rodgers, provided the emails to WW after he received an order to delete them from state servers.
Days after the former mayors’ announcement that Hales declared he wouldn’t run for re-election.
Campaign donations in dollars Mayor Charlie Hales accepted in 2015 before announcing he wouldn’t run for re-election.
Pages of former Gov. John Kitzhaber’s emails released by Gov. Kate Brown in response to public records requests.
Years since Garth Brooks previously toured Portland.
Total fans who attended the five soldout Garth Brooks shows at Moda Center, an all-time record for the venue.
Years since Madonna previously appeared in Portland.
Price in dollars of the most expensive ticket sold at Moda Center for the Madonna concert Oct. 17, which our reviewer called “the best arena show I’ve ever seen.”
Birth year of Taylor Swift, the most popular artist among users of the Multnomah County Library. Her album 1989 was checked out 454 times. 16
Willamette Week DECEMBER 30, 2015 wweek.com
Rank of the song “Where Are Ü Now” (with Justin Bieber), from the Diplo/ Skrillex project Jack Ü on Spotify’s list of most-listened-to songs in Portland.
Copies of the Decemberists’ What a Terrible World, What a Beautiful World sold by Music Millennium, making it the store’s best-selling album.
Twitter followers of the Decemberists, Portland’s most popular account. (Nike has Oregon’s most followers, at 5.65 million.)
Twitter accounts followed by the Decemberists. In addition to four members of the band, the Decemberists follow Rosanne Cash, NPR’s All Songs Considered, and local singersongwriter Laura Veirs.
Copies of Björk’s Vulnicura sold at Beacon Sound records, making it the store’s top-selling vinyl record.
Copies of Colleen’s Everyone Alive Wants Answers sold at Beacon Sound, making the 2003 re-release the store’s top-selling cassette tape.
The number of Pilots who recorded “Tear in My Heart,” the most-requested song on KNRK 94.7.
Estimated minimum number of times Live 95.5 played Mark Ronson and Bruno Mars’ “Uptown Funk,” the station’s most-played track of the year. The most requested song was Justin Bieber’s “What Do You Mean.” (Our appreciation to staff for this disparity.)
Number of times singers at Voicebox Karaoke cued up Maroon 5’s “Sugar,” making it the most popular song sung at Voicebox’s two locations.
THE LOOKS 687
Beards trimmed at the downtown Bishop’s Barbershop.
Viewers who watched Mad Max: Fury Road at Laurelhurst Theater, making it the most popular movie of the year.
Beards trimmed at the Hollywood Supercuts.
Number of times Multnomah County Library patrons checked out Game of Thrones: The Complete Fourth Season, the library’s most popular DVD.
Stories in The New York Times published in 2015 that featured the word “Portlandia.” The most recent usage, published Dec. 22, 2015, in a story about culture wars at Oberlin College: “‘When you’re defending the cultural authenticity of GENERAL TSO’S CHICKEN, you’re a living Portlandia sketch,’ Fredrik deBoer, an academic, wrote on Twitter, in a reference to the IFC show that satirizes Oregon hipsters.”
Price in dollars of the most expensive book at Powell’s City of Books, a twovolume set of the 1814 Lewis and Clark journals.
Patrons who checked out the library’s most popular novel, All the Light We Cannot See by Anthony Doerr.
Check-outs of the Multnomah County Library’s most popular adult nonfiction book of 2015, The LifeChanging Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing by Marie Kondo.
Pairs of socks our moms made us thank for service and then throw away after they read Powell’s best-selling book of the year, The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up.
President Jimmy Carter’s rank in Powell’s most attended events of the year, behind No. 1, nerd queen Felicia Day, followed by famously displeased feline Grumpy Cat, Elizabeth “Eat Pray Love” Gilbert, gentrification spirit animal Carrie Brownstein, and punk queen Patti Smith.
Average distance in miles between Earth and Mars, the planet where Powell’s second-best-selling book, Andy Weir’s The Martian, takes place.
Visitors to Portland Art Museum’s most popular exhibit, Italian Style: Fashion Since 1945.
Visitors to OMSI’s most popular exhibit, Ripley’s Believe It or Not!
People who thru-hiked the 2,600-mile Pacific Crest Trail in 2011, the year before Cheryl Strayed’s memoir Wild came out.
People who thru-hiked the Pacific Crest Trail in 2013, the year after the book Wild came out.
527 People who thru-hiked the Pacific Crest Trail in 2015, the year after Wild the movie came out.
Years since Powell’s third-best-selling book, Wildwood by the Decemberists’ Colin Meloy, was published.
Weeks that All the Light We Cannot See by Anthony Doerr, Powell’s fourth-bestselling book, has spent on The New York Times’ best-seller list.
Number of racist Atticus Finches in Powell’s fifth-best-selling book of the year, Go Set a Watchman by Harper Lee.
Contributors: Lizzy Acker, Martin Cizmar, Peter D’Auria, Lisa Dunn, Coby Hutzler, Nigel Jaquiss, Sophia June, Matthew Korfhage, Aaron Mesh, Matthew Singer and Beth Slovic. For a full list of the more than 100 sources we used to compile this feature, visit wweek.com.
Willamette Week DECEMBER 30, 2015 wweek.com
Willamette Week DECEMBER 30, 2015 wweek.com
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OUR FAVORITE FASHIONABLE LOOKS OF 2015. P H OTO S B Y B R I A N A C E R E Z O , L U C A S C H E M OT T I , K AT I E D E N N I S , C H R I S T I N E D O N G , R O N I T FA H L , M E L A N I E F L O O D , E M I LY J O A N G R E E N E , R A C H A E L R E N N E L E VA S S E U R , J E N N I F E R M A R I E P L I T Z KO, K AY L A S P R I N T A N D C A R R I E W I L S O N .
Willamette Week DECEMBER 30, 2015 wweek.com
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OUTPOSTS: In February, a 10,000-square-foot food complex called Pine Street Market will open downtown. Among the nine tenants lined up by Feast festival co-founder Mike Thelin are Marukin ramen shop, a rotisserie chicken and tapas spot from John Gorham, an Asian fusion restaurant from former Paley’s Place chef Patrick McKee, an Olympia Provisions hot-dog cart, a Salt & Straw “concept,” a juice shop from Country Cat, and a Trifecta annex with fancy toast and pizza. It’s destined to be popular with tourists who don’t have time to visit other locations of local institutions like Salt & Straw and Olympia Provisions. >> Portland International Airport already has a few outposts of local restaurants and bars, and will soon have a miniature Hollywood Theatre. The local indie house plans a small theater that will hold 40 people and show short ﬁlms and live “experiences” centered on Oregon. Miranda July has been mentioned. ODDITIES: You will soon be able to get Hawaiian-style grilled pizza at an indoor mountain-bike park. The Lumberyard on Northeast 82nd Avenue is the new home of Pulehu Pizza. >> You will also be able to get vermouth and waﬄes at a den of bougie splendor. In the landmark Burnside 26 apartment building, Hale Pele’s Blair Reynolds and Coco Donuts’ Ian Christopher will open a cafe and bar called Americano, with a vermouth-heavy drink menu and “bitter circus”-inspired food from chef Chris DeBarr that involves creative use of waﬄe irons. >> By March 2016, Portland pinball tycoon Phil Ragaway plans to open Quarterworld, a huge pinball-centric game arcade in the former Alhambra Theatre building on Southeast Hawthorne Boulevard. GROCERIES: The Pastaworks boutique grocery is closing on Hawthorne in January and reopening in a new space with other food purveyors. That space, Providore Fine Foods at Northeast 24th Avenue and Sandy Boulevard, will feature a produce market, a wood-ﬁred chicken restaurant, a Little T American Baker, a Flying Fish market and oyster bar, a pasture-fed butchery and a ﬂorist. >> In other grocery news, the old Food 4 Less at Southeast 82nd Avenue and Powell Boulevard will reopen as a WinCo Foods this summer. CENTURY MARKS: The much-delayed Century, an ambitious sports bar with stadium seating from the owners of Dig a Pony, Jackknife and Bye and Bye, will open in the central eastside “real soon,” according to its owners. It was ﬁrst anticipated for summer 2015. >> Century-old restaurant Besaw’s will open in its new location next to the Slabtown New Seasons. It’ll be accompanied by a bar called the Solo Club. BREWPUBBING: Breakside Brewery plans a 5,000-squarefoot brewery and taproom in the same building as the Slabtown New Seasons, serving “elevated pub fare.” >> Speaking of brewpubs next to New Seasons, Hood River’s Double Mountain Brewery plans to open a pizzeria and taproom at the former location of Irish bar Kilt on Southeast Woodstock Boulevard. CHICKEN CULTURE WARS: By March 2016, Chick-ﬁl-A—the chicken-sandwich chain known for contributing to anti-gaymarriage groups—will open its ﬁrst locations in the Portland area in more than 20 years, at Tanasbourne in Hillsboro and near Clackamas Town Center. The company expects to open as many as 10 outlets, at a rate of two per year. >> Meanwhile, in January, Jessica and Aaron Grimmer (Picnic, Barlow, High Noon) will also open a chicken-sandwich shop on Northwest 23rd Avenue. It’ll be called Chkchk, and will donate 5 percent of its gross proﬁts to LGBTQ causes.
Willamette Week DECEMBER 30, 2015 wweek.com
GO: New Year’s Day is Friday, Jan. 1. Do whatever the hell you want.
WHAT TO DO THIS WEEK IN ARTS & CULTURE
WEDNESDAY DEC. 30 Mean Jeans, P.R.O.B.L.E.M.S., Therapists
JAHN ALEXANDER TEETSOV
[POP PUNK] In 2016, the Jeans will finally release the follow-up to 2012’s incredible On Mars, which found Portland’s (if not the world’s) best band joining the Ramones, Screeching Weasel and Green Day in the pop-punk pantheon. The Liquor Store, 3341 SE Belmont St. 9 pm. $6. 21+.
THURSDAY DEC. 31 Magic Sword, Minden, Foul Weather
[ELECTRO CLASH] With lightsabers back in vogue, it’s a good time to be Magic Sword, two masked, glowsword-wielding druids from the planet Boise whose music sounds like Daft Punk scoring an ’80s sci-fi epic. Doug Fir Lounge, 830 E Burnside St., 231-9663, dougfirlounge.com. 9 pm. $20 advance, $15 day of show. 21+.
New Year’s Day is the new New Year’s Eve
DJ Anjali & the Incredible Kid [DESI DANCE] For the 15th year, DJs Anjali and the Incredible Kid celebrate their New Year’s show with a mashup of Bollywood and bhangra sounds with Latin rhythms. Melody Ballroom, 615 SE Alder St., 232-2759. 9 pm-3 am. $27.50 advance, $40 at the door. 21+.
FRIDAY JAN. 1 New Year’s Day Rehab Brunch
[BOOZE] EastBurn will host a rehab brunch starting at 10 am, with a bloody mary bar and $2 mimosa refills that make it sound less like rehab than just...more drinking. EastBurn, 1800 E Burnside St., 236-2876. 10 am.
BY M ATTHEW SINGER email@example.com “New Year’s is the worst night of all to go out. People who don’t drink or party all year suddenly going all Kanye on you.” Well said, Ashton Kutcher, in the movie New Year’s Eve. New Year’s Eve is a sham. It’s a bridge-and-tunnel faux holiday invented by Dick Clark to keep Maroon 5’s career alive and give idiots like Ashton Kutcher shitty movies to star in. You’d think Portland would have outlawed it by now, seeing how it’s at least as detrimental to public welfare as plastic bags and smoking in parks, but no: It’s as bad here as anywhere else, with venues jacking up ticket prices to Uber-during-a-humanitarian-crisis levels, drunk assholes from Beaverton stumbling through the streets with insufficient transportation to get them safely out of the city, and Pink fucking Martini. Riff Raff once rang in the year at some warehouse in North Portland, and charged $300 to attend a pre-party in his hotel room. If there’s a better encapsulation of the douche-tastic horror of New Year’s Eve, I don’t know if my mind could handle it.
There is, however, one good thing about New Year’s Eve: Its federally sanctioned hangovers beget us New Year’s Day. And New Year’s Day is, quite simply, the greatest day of the year. The Fourth of July might celebrate freedom, but New Year’s Day is freedom—the freedom to do absolutely nothing. Dec. 31 is supposedly when we all hit the cosmic reset button to our lives, clearing out the cache of the past 12 months and promising, from that moment forward, to work toward being a better person. Then Jan. 1 is when we all say, “Oh, man, I need a day off.” It’s also got a rad parade, college football and a theme song by U2. (What does New Year’s Eve have? That Black Eyed Peas song where they all yell “mazel tov”?) But y’know the real reason why “all is quiet on New Year’s Day,” as Bono sings over Edge’s graceful droplets of guitar? Because no one is doing a goddamn thing, and they’re all loving it. It is a holiday without the faintest hint of obligation—no parties to attend, no meals to cook, no in-laws to visit, no dead historical figures to feel guilty about not taking a moment
to reflect on. My first New Year’s Day in Portland, I glued myself to a futon, drank a jug of Carlo Rossi and watched Commando, Team America, Timecop, Predator, Under Siege and then Commando again. Another time, I consumed five bloody marys and ate fondue while wearing sweatpants. In my younger years, when I lived in California, my friends and I took an impromptu trip to Vegas, stayed up all night, then drove home. Las Vegas is like if New Year’s Eve took a huge shit in the middle of the desert and it became a fully functioning city, but still: We did it just because, on that day, we could. I remember all of those afternoons better than any stroke-of-midnight make-out session or group bro-hug, and not just because I’ve successfully blacked out for most of them. A man once said, “True luxury is being able to own your time—to be able to take a walk, sit on your porch, read the paper, not take the call, not be compelled by obligation.” Y’know who that man was? Ashton Kutcher. You should listen to him. He played Steve Jobs.
SATURDAY JAN. 2 BONED
[INDIE FLICK] Hollywood actress and producer Angela Landis stars in and will attend the Portland premiere of this new indie comedy from Bizarro novelist Laura Lee Bahr. In it, struggling actress Samantha is swept into a plot of violent dognappers, gothic bondage cultists and starving artists. Mission Theater, 1624 NW Glisan St., 223-4527. 6:30 and 9:30 pm. $4.
TUESDAY, JAN. 5 RUTH WARINER
[BOOKS] Wariner’s book, The Sound of Gravel, recalls her upbringing as the 39th of 42 children in a church that told its members God wanted to destroy the world and women needed to breed to get into heaven. Powell’s City of Books, 1005 W Burnside St., 228-4651. 7:30 pm. Free.
Willamette Week DECEMBER 30, 2015 wweek.com
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NEW YEAR, NEW YOU
BY LIZZY ACKER A N D MATTHEW KOR FHAGE
I L L U S T R AT I O N B Y T R I C I A H I P P S
Willamette Week DECEMBER 30, 2015 wweek.com
FOOD & DRINK = WW Pick. Highly recommended. By MATTHEW KORFHAGE. Editor: MARTIN CIZMAR. Email: email@example.com. See page 3 for submission instructions.
1. Matt’s BBQ
THURSDAY, DEC. 31 Aviary New Year’s Eve Dinner
If it’s going to be a new year, it might as well start with stuﬀ you haven’t had before. Aviary will serve up a four-course menu culled partly from the new seasonal menu, but also including novelties like chestnut soup with Brussels sprouts, maple syrup and a duck egg, alongside Taiwanesestyle beef soup with bone marrow and bok choy, plus desserts from new pastry chef Matthew Zack. Reservations seem like the bright way to go. Aviary, 1733 NE Alberta St., 287-2400.
Pix Chocolate Buffet
Free fucking chocolate buﬀet. And Champagne from the Champagne people who know Champagne. If you deﬁne the quality of your New Year’s celebration by the things both in and on your mouth when the ball drops, we cordially invite you to invite an extraordinarily attractive person to Pix Patisserie. If you’re really feeling it, there’s a 3-liter bottle of Bollinger La Grande Année 1999 with your name on it for a mere $1,200. Olympia Provisions, 2225 E Burnside St., 971-271-7166. 11 pm.
FRIDAY, JAN. 1 New Year’s Day Rehab Brunch
TWO DAYS LEFT TO GIVE!
Choose from 143 awesome local nonproﬁts at GiveGuide.org 24
Willamette Week DECEMBER 30, 2015 wweek.com
The apparently masochistic staﬀ of EastBurn will host a rehab brunch starting at 10 am, which sounds a whole hell of a lot less like rehab than just…more drinking. The people who went to bed early will join the people who never went to sleep for a build-your-ownbloody-mary bar and $2 mimosa reﬁlls. Starky’s and your unlimited mimosas? We miss you, sirs. EastBurn, 1800 E Burnside St., 236-2876. 10 am.
4709 NE Martin Luther King Jr. Blvd. God damn. This is terriﬁc barbecue. The brisket is beautifully fatty and ﬂavorful as hell, with bark that’s peppery heaven, while the dry-rub ribs are so pure in their smoke you’d know the name of the tree whose wood cooked them from just a single bite. Rodney Muirhead, look the fuck out. $$.
2. Joe Brown’s Carmel Corn
1053 Lloyd Center, 287-2143. It’s holiday season in the city— and for generations, that’s meant a big ol’ holiday tin of Joe Brown’s Carmel Corn from Lloyd Center. Weirdos and Midwesterners go for the Chicago corn cheese-and-caramel mix, but the masterpiece is the kettle corn. $.
7783 SW Capitol Highway, 234-0330, tastebudpdx.com. It’s been a long time since Portlanders could get Tastebud’s pies outside of a farmers market. Well, the new place in Multnomah Village is far better than the original in Brooklyn—a warm, inviting room with wonderful pizza. $$.
4. Teo Bun Bo Hue
8220 SE Harrison St., No. 230, 208-3532. The bun bo Hue soup here rivals or bests the namesake soup at the Southeast 82nd Avenue Bun bo Hue restaurant farther south. That said, the pure taste of the chicken pho may be the standout. $.
5. Pollo Norte
5427 NE 42nd Ave., 287-0669, pollonorte.com. Excellent rotisserie chicken spot Norte has been industrious this year, building a food-cart pod out back with not only two other Latin carts and an outpost of Kim Jong Grillin’ but also a walk-in fridge that lets it brine and store a whole hell of a lot more chicken. $$.
WISCO (BREAKSIDE FOR SARAVEZA) Once upon a time, in a land of snow machines and deer tags, there was a football team called the Packers. In 1992, a Packer named Majkowski twisted his ankle and was replaced by a Packer named Favre. Thus began 22 years when that lucky club knew nothing but stellar quarterback play. First, they had many years of gunslinging and a Super Bowl victory. When the Packer called Favre grew old and frail and intent upon sending photographs of his penis to young ladies, they exiled him and brought in another quarterback, a man named Rodgers, who won another Super Bowl. But then, in a city 2,000 miles to the west, a bar named Saraveza decided to tinker with the magic. Since opening, Saraveza served Theodore Hamm’s lager in tribute to its Wisconsin roots. The publican Sarah hired a new man, who took it upon himself to remove that traditional libation, and hired a local shop to concoct something special. And oh what a special beer it is—a smooth cream ale that comes alive with a sprinkle of hoppy bitterness. But its effects may be more potent than expected. On Nov. 15, Saraveza replaced Hamm’s charmed elixir with a cream ale made by Breakside. That same day, the Packers lost to the foredoomed Detroit Lions on the hallowed grounds of Lambeau Field for the first time since 1991. Having drafted Rodgers for my fantasy team, I can confirm that he has not looked the same since this beer went on tap. I dared not drink it until my own second consecutive championship was secured. Recommended based on taste, but beware the curse. MARTIN CIZMAR.
i l l u s t r at i o n s b y r i c k v o d i c k a
Feb. 11: Imperial’s Doug Adams and Departure’s Gregory Gourdet take two of the top three spots on Top Chef. Everyone starts calling Adams “Dougie” even if they’ve never met him.
April 1: A rainbow-colored Latin American food-cart pod and business complex opens on Southeast 72nd Avenue and Foster Road. It is called the Portland Mercado. There is a piñata store.
April 17: Blue Star Donuts opens a doughnut shop in Tokyo. While there, co-owner Micah Camden claims to have been thrown out of a gym because of his tattoos before discovering a vending machine full of underwear.
May 3: Sugar Cube pastry chef Kir Jensen closes her bakery, hinting that she would start baking cannabisinfused pastries. Instead, she ends up doing desserts at Renata.
June 18: A Voodoo Doughnut shop opens in Taipei, Taiwan— complete with stained-glass portraits of Voodoo co-founders Tres Shannon and Cat Daddy Pogson.
June 17: Just 16 days after it officially opens—and 14 days before food reviewers would normally visit—Italian spot Renata is announced as The Oregonian’s favorite restaurant of 2015. Hilarity ensues.
Aug. 3: Micah Camden’s Portland burger chain Little Big Burger is sold to the owners of Hooters. Supposedly, Hooters would carry Camden’s ketchup. As of early December, the Jantzen Beach Hooters remained Camdenless.
Aug. 5: Portland gets its first dedicated bone-broth cafe. It also serves kombucha.
Sept. 9: In-N-Out Burger opens its first Oregon location in Medford, immediately becoming the most popular Californian transplant in the state. The company says it has no plans for Portland—yet.
Oct. 27: WW names Vitaly Paley-owned eatery Imperial– with chef Doug Adams¬as its 2015 Restaurant of the Year, 20 years after granting the same honor to Paley's original restaurant, Paley’s Place.
Dec. 31: Closing time for three notable Portland restaurants, as Farm Cafe, Levant and Grüner serve their last meals.
Willamette Week DECEMBER 30, 2015 wweek.com
Willamette Week DECEMBER 30, 2015 wweek.com
BY MAT T HEW SIN GER firstname.lastname@example.org i l l u s t r at i o n s b y r i c k v o d i c k a
Feb. 12: Concert venue Revolution Hall opens in the former Washington High School building. Highlights of its first year include Angel Olsen, Shellac, Yo La Tengo and that day they served tacos for lunch.
June 25: Habesha Lounge closes, leaving the city with zero rock clubs located either above or below an Ethiopian restaurant. Old Portland weeps.
July 2: In an interview on Polish television, Modest Mouse frontman Isaac Brock calls Portland “a collection of human turds,” which was also the world’s reaction to the band’s new album.
Oct. 17: Madonna plays Portland for the first time in 30 years. The show features men on poles, a Catholic bondage party, some kind of Genghis Khan-themed dance routine and Madge commenting, “It’s all about the dick.” She did some songs, too.
March 16: Portland stoner-rockers Black Pussy cancel a tour date in North Carolina following protests over their name, which is totally not offensive, according to the all-white, all-male band.
May 5: Sleater-Kinney plays its first Portland show in nine years, momentarily causing everyone to forget that Carrie Brownstein ruined the city.
June 30: Legendary Portland rapper Chilly Tee is named to Nike’s board of directors, and yet another year passes without a proper followup to his 1993 classic, Get Off Mine.
Aug. 26: Damian Lillard makes his live rap debut at Holocene. Still, no one is willing to call him “Dame DOLLA.”
Oct. 15: Charlie Hales, aka DJ Sad Eyez, announces the first-ever Portland Hip-Hop Day, bringing MCs to City Hall and marking the rare local rap show that’s not shut down by the fire marshal.
Oct. 27: And And And drummer and unofficial Portland music-scene mascot Bim Ditson announces he’s running for mayor. Old Portland cheers.
Willamette Week DECEMBER 30, 2015 wweek.com
MUSIC = WW Pick. Highly recommended. Prices listed are sometimes for advance ticket sales. At-the-door increases and so-called convenience charges may apply. Event lineups are subject to change after WW’s press deadlines.
COURTESY OF TENDER LOVING EMPIRE.
Editor: MATTHEW SINGER. TO BE CONSIDERED FOR LISTINGS, go to wweek. com/submitevents and follow submission directions. All shows should be submitted two weeks or more in advance of event. Press kits, CDs and especially vinyl can be sent to Music Desk, WW, 2220 NW Quimby St., Portland, OR 97210. Please include show or release date information with all physical mailings. Email: email@example.com. Fax: 243-1115.
Chanti Darling, Ancient Heat, Shy Girls (DJ set), DJ Nathan Detroit, DJ Ben Tactic, DJ Bobby D
[MIDNIGHT SOUL] Future-soul chanteuse Natasha Kmeto didn’t just release one of the best Portland albums of the year, she also became part of one of the city’s better side projects. With Chanti Darling, Kmeto joins Magic Mouth’s Chanticleer Tru, producer Damon Boucher, drummer Hannah Billie of the Gossip, and the Minders’ Rebecca Cole in cooking up slinky after-hours R&B. Some people stumble headlong into the new year. If you’d rather glide, this is your show. Holocene, 1001 SE Morrison St., 239-7639. 8 pm. $17 advance, $20 day of show. 21+.
Magic Sword plays Doug Fir Lounge on Thursday, Dec. 31.
WEDNESDAY, DEC. 30 Balto, Vacilando, St. Even, Swansea
[PDX ROCK] For all those who want to get a start on their New Year’s resolutions—the most important of which is obviously supporting more local live music—attending this massive showcase at Doug Fir might be a good start. Four distinct but rocking bands stack this lineup, which ranges from Swansea’s brooding electro-pop and St. Even’s dark folk to Vacilando’s sad Americana and Balto’s psychedelic roots music. Don’t let all the bummer jams deter a happy new year, though. HILARY SAUNDERS. Doug Fir Lounge, 830 E Burnside St., 231-9663, 8:30 pm. $10. 21+.
Mean Jeans, P.R.O.B.L.E.M.S., Therapists
[POP PUNK] Mean Jeans frontman Billy Jeans (né Christian Blunda) has been busy with his fantastic power-pop group Patsy’s Rats this year. But in 2016, the Jeans will finally release the follow-up to 2012’s incredible On Mars, which found Portland’s (if not the world’s) best band joining the Ramones, Screeching Weasel and Green Day in the pop-punk pantheon. The forthcoming LP will be the band’s first on Fat Wreck Chords, and if post-On Mars singles “I Miss Outerspace” and “Possessed 2 Party (With U)” are any indication, the band has not run out of clever and catchy ways to articulate burnout bemusement. Thank God. CHRIS STAMM. The Liquor Store, 3341 SE Belmont St. 9 pm. $6. 21+.
THURSDAY, DEC. 31 The Jerry Douglas Band, Peter Rowan
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note, the rhythm section bobs their heads and the brass section sways. The band packs a lot of members onstage, and they all look like they’re having a good time. The mood is infectious, so naturally, if you’re in the audience, you’ll want to follow their lead. Oh, and of course there’s the music itself— upbeat, brassy R&B, soaked with Thomas’ ’60s soul vocals—which will make you want to move. SHANNON GORMLEY. Eagle’s Lodge, 4904 SE Hawthorne Blvd., 232-7505. 8 pm. $25. 21+.
[SUNDRY COUNTRY] Dobro player Jerry Douglas is a throwback as a studio veteran, putting in work on more than 1,000 tracks, but he’s simultaneously a musical progressive at heart. Taking what’s thought to be an instrument reserved for stately country and bluegrass, Douglas has trotted out albums that span the globe and insinuate his virtuosity into new settings. On Three Bells, his latest album, Douglas, who has also played alongside Alison Krauss and Emmylou Harris, retains a sense of history, but still finds space for himself and a pair of peerless compatriots to investigate the past and future of the dobro. DAVE CANTOR. Alberta Rose Theatre, 3000 NE Alberta St., 719-6055. 7 pm. $55-$80. Under 21 permitted with legal guardian.
New Year’s Eve Battle of the Decades [NOSTALGIA FIGHT] What was the best decade for music? Not the one you actually lived through, obviously. Members of Sleater-Kinney, Unwound, Hazel and other Pacific Northwest luminaries settle the debate once and for all, splitting off into four bands representing the hits of the ’50, ’60s, ’70s and ’80s. But no ’90s, because everyone can agree it sucked pretty hard. Bunk Bar, 1028 SE Water Ave., 328-2865. 9 pm. $15. 21+.
Calexico, Blind Pilot, Ages and Ages
[INDIE ROCK, POP AND FOLK] The alt-Americana band Calexico and Portland’s own indie darlings Blind Pilot toured together (and often collaborated onstage) back in 2012, so it’s not surprising the two bands are reuniting and co-headlining this New Year’s Eve show at the Crystal. Joining them this time, however, is local indie-folk group Ages and Ages, who broke into the mainstream last year with the song “Divisionary (Do the Right Thing).” HILARY SAUNDERS. Crystal Ballroom, 1332 W Burnside St., 2250047. 8 pm. Sold out. 21+.
Dwarves, Lord Dying, Gaytheist
[PUNK SCHLOCK] In a year when the debate over “political correctness” returned to the national dialogue, it’s appropriate that Dwarves get the final word. Most of them will be “fuck.” The gleefully tasteless shock-punk troupe is promising to close out 2015 by playing its 1990 masterpiece of trash, Blood Guts & Pussy, in its entirety—all 14 disgusting minutes of it. Dante’s, 350 W Burnside St., 226-6630. 9 pm. $15. 21+.
Magic Sword, Minden, Foul Weather
[ELECTRO CLASH] With lightsabers back in vogue, it’s a good time to be Magic Sword, two masked druids from the planet Boise whose music sounds like Daft Punk scoring an ’80s sci-fi epic. If you haven’t yet scored tickets to The Force Awakens, their neon-lit live show— which replaces glow sticks with glowing toy swords—is the next best thing. Doug Fir Lounge, 830 E Burnside St., 231-9663. 9 pm. $15 advance, $20 day of show. 21+.
NYE Soul Bight with Ural Thomas and the Pain
[DANCING FEET] Ural Thomas and the Pain lead by example. Thomas and vocalists Ragen Fykes and Moorea Masa move their feet and smile as they belt out every
Jerry Joseph and the Jackmormons
[CLASSIC ROCK] I find comfort in Jerry Joseph and the Jackmormons. The band has been delivering unapologetic rock ’n’ roll for over 20 years, changing little, as timeless genres demand. It’s the stuff you might expect to find on the classic-rock dial, wedged between a Zeppelin song and a Black Crowes track. Full of ups and downs, singersongwriter solos and crashing fullband assaults, Jerry Joseph is a true-blue professional with more experience than most. Steel specialist Paul Brainard will join the fun. MARK STOCK. McMenamins Mission Theater, 1624 NW Glisan St., 2234527. 9 pm. $30 advance, $35 day of show. 21+.
Sallie Ford, Y La Bamba, Cat Hoch
[NEW YEAR’S ROCKIN’] Sallie Ford disbanded the Best New Bandwinning Sound Outside in 2013 to indulge her rockier instincts, putting together a brawny all-women supergroup and weaving ’90s grrrl power into ’60s garage pop. She’s joined tonight by resurgent folkies Y La Bamba, who’ve got a new album coming in 2016, and psychedelic mistress Cat Hoch, who’ll certainly be getting some BNB votes this year. Mississippi Studios, 3939 N Mississippi Ave., 288-3895. 9 pm. $25 advance, $30 day of show. 21+.
The Helio Sequence, Wild Ones, Kyle Craft
[DIGITAL ROCK] It’s hard to imagine that Helio Sequence rang in the new year at defunct downtown club Berbati’s a decade ago. The Portland duo has been at it for years now, as Sub Pop mainstays who have managed to stay somewhat under the radar. The band’s proper self-titled LP, which came out earlier in the year, is vintage Helio Sequence, drawing equally from the Beatles and Beck. Brandon Summers’ resonating layers of guitars and smooth vocals are the perfect accompaniment to Benjamin Weikel’s masterful drum work. Fellow Portland standouts Wild Ones share this strong bill. MARK STOCK. Revolution Hall, 1300 SE Stark St., No. 110, 288-3895. 9 pm. $25 advance, $30 day of show. 21+.
Leftover Salmon, Fruition
[JAMGRASS] Leftover Salmon is the kind of music you might hear at your local farmer’s market—and that’s not meant to be a slight. The Colorado natives have been a quintessential live act since 1989, and as such they’ve spent years laying down a barrage of string-soaked tunes that come off as natural as the band’s chemistry and the snow-
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MUSIC capped landscapes evoked in their writing. High Country in 2014 wasn’t particularly notable, yet it introduced Little Feat co-founder Bill Payne as an official member and cemented a lineup better known for breakneck solos than its previous Cajun flare. BRANDON WIDDER. Roseland Theater, 8 NW 6th Ave., 224-2038. 8 pm. $40 general admission, $60 balcony. 21+.
Weinland NYE Supergroup, Liz Vice
[COVERS GALORE] The annual coversong megajam graduates from Doug Fir to the Wonder, but despite the bigger stage, the concept remains the same. Expect a loaded guest list and plenty of karaoke favorites. Gospelsoul singer Liz Vice opens, offering one last opportunity to wash away your sins before piling them back up again. Wonder Ballroom, 128 NE Russell St., 284-8686, 9 pm. $25 advance, $28 day of show. 21+.
FRIDAY, JAN. 1 Sad Horse
[WEIRD PUNK] Sad Horse’s recently released Greatest Hits, which gathers tracks from the Portland duo’s various cassette releases, is a bewitching collection. Most songs clock in at just over a minute, and each one unveils a minor discovery, a fleeting refraction of punk or pop or rock ’n’ roll that fucks with expectations while satisfying the need for a quick thrill. There is an intimate and hermetic alchemy at work in Sad Horse’s approach, and while it sometimes echoes the early 2000s work of Erase Errata and Japanther, Greatest Hits builds an odd world of its own. The materials are basic—one guitar, one drum set, two voices—but the result is anything but. CHRIS STAMM. Mississippi Records, 5202 N Albina Ave., 282-2990. 8 pm. Free. All ages.
Uprite Dub Orchestra, DJ Cansaman
[DUB] Portland’s favorite dub-reggae orchestra is back! OK, so maybe you’ve never heard of Uprite Dub Orchestra, who existed around the early aughts and broke up just when everyone was starting to move here, or even realized the city ever had a reggae scene. Well, it was a little bit before my time, too, so I can’t really put the band in proper context. But suffice to say, it is what you’d expect. There’s a lot of brass, reverb, melodica and slow-rolling bass, plus some unfortunately hacky attempts at toasting. MATTHEW SINGER. Secret Society, 116 NE Russell St., 493-3600. 9 pm. $10 advance, $12 day of show. 21+.
SATURDAY, JAN. 2 Cracker, Camper van Beethoven
[DAVID LOWERY REVUE] In recent years, David Lowery has become the physical manifestation of “Old Man Yells at Cloud,” bitching about music streaming and the like, but in his younger days Lowery led two alt-rock stalwarts: collegiate snarkers Camper van Beethoven and the more country-leaning Cracker. As members have cycled in and out, the two projects have essentially blurred together into a single showcase of Lowery’s eclectic taste. Expect cult classics, newer cuts and, if you’re lucky, a stage rant or two. MATTHEW SINGER. Aladdin Theater, 3017 SE Milwaukie Ave., 2349694. 8 pm. $22. Under 21 permitted with legal guardian.
Poison Idea, the Lovesores, Shadowhouse
[FEELING THE DARKNESS] This is uncontroversial: There has been no band more important to come out of Portland than Poison Idea. In fact, there is no more important anything that’s come out of Portland. If flannelclad coffee boys are Portland’s nadir, then it certainly stands to reason that the leather, bristles, studs and acne-scarred reprobates in Poison Idea are its zenith. They put out the sole important album from the otherwise entirely barren 1990s, Feel the Darkness, and even if they’re just
DATES HERE scary old men now, the weight of that immense task should carry them through this entire millennium into the year 3000, when punk and humanity alike have forsaken entirely this unwieldy human form and exist solely in the realms of the Space Internet. BRACE BELDEN. Ash Street Saloon, 225 SW Ash St., 226-0430. 8 pm. $9. 21+.
Dead Moon, Don’t, Long Knife
[PORTLAND PUNK LEGENDS] When Dead Moon reunited to play the Crystal Ballroom in 2013, it seemed like a one-off deal, loathe as founding couple Fred and Toody Cole are to revisit the past. Now, it’s become something of an annual tradition. It’s been a rough year for the band—Fred Cole collapsed onstage in the middle of a Bumbershoot set, and drummer Andrew Loomis is undergoing treatment for lymphoma, making it unclear if he’ll play tonight—but if they can walk, they will rage, and God willing, they’ll be doing it long after the rest of us have moved onto the next cool city. MATTHEW SINGER. Crystal Ballroom, 1332 W Burnside St., 2250047. 8 pm. $20. All ages.
BEST OF 2015
The Best Thing I Heard This Year OUR MUSIC STAFF’S FAVORITE PORTLAND ALBUMS OF 2015.
Going into 2015, it looked like this would be a huge year for Portland music—if the year was 2006. All our transplanted indie-rock stars were coming back, including the Decemberists, Modest Mouse and even SleaterKinney, and it seemed like the national spotlight might return to the city and illuminate some of its shadowed corners. That didn’t quite happen, but no matter: Portland’s always done its best when no one is looking. Here is the music that stood out most to our writers.
Auscultation, L’étreinte Imaginaire (100% Silk)
L’étreinte Imaginaire is a proper introduction to outsider house-music don and recent Portland transplant Joel Shanahan. A man of one hat but many monikers, Shanahan channels Auscultation to evoke the space between DIY dance, dreamy synth pop and ambient techno, with a thumping groove throughout the cassette. WYATT SCHAFFNER.
TUESDAY, JAN. 5
The Body & Thou, Released From Love/You, Whom I’ve Always Hated (Thrill Jockey)
Red Bull Sound Select: Wye Oak, Aan, Fog Father
The Body’s bleak, atonal nihilism combined with Thou’s Southern rage produces one of the most vicious metal releases of the year, the latter’s groove set off by the former’s depressive electronics to make an album that doesn’t sacrifice listenability for crushing heaviness. WALKER MACMURDO.
[HERE TO STAY] A first album is an introduction. The second solidifies the band’s sound. The third, if it’s good, proves it’s not just hype. Who the hell knows what the fourth album’s supposed to be? But Wye Oak’s fourth, Shriek, is pretty damn good. It’s got a new level of moody anxiety, crouched in the familiar, dreamy beauty of Jenn Wasner’s voice. So if there’s any significance to Wye Oak’s fourth album, it seems to be the moment that indicates they’ll be around for a while. SHANNON GORMLEY. Doug Fir Lounge, 830 E Burnside St., 231-9663. 9 pm. $3 with RSVP at redbullsoundselect.com. 21+.
CLASSICAL, JAZZ & WORLD DJ Anjali and the Incredible Kid, Uproot Andy
[BHANGRA MEETS SAMBA] DJ Anjali and the Incredible Kid have been throwing various Bollywood, bhang and desi bass dance parties since the millennium arrived, but they keep refreshing the formula with new music. Their 15th anniversary party is going to be bigger than ever, incorporating two ballrooms on two levels with four global bass DJs, including Brooklyn’s sizzling Uproot Andy, who founded his own popular Que Bajo party in NYC and tours the world regularly. It will also include costumed dancers (both bhangra and samba styles) and live music, courtesy of Portland samba band Bloco Alegria, who summon the Afro-Brazilian rhythms of Rio de Janeiro’s carnival. BRETT CAMPBELL. Melody Ballroom, 615 SE Alder St., 281-3918. 9 pm Thursday, Dec. 31. $27.50-$40. 21+.
Cappella Romana presents Epiphany
[EPIPHANAL CHANT] Overindulge in New Year’s evil? Feeling the need for an experience that’s a bit more austere, purifying, transcendent, perhaps even a bit penitent? Portland’s internationally renowned vocal ensemble has just the recipe to scour away your sins and soothe your hangover: bracing medieval Greek and Latin chants for Epiphany as it was celebrated from the 11th to 13th centuries. Unsweetened by instrumental accompaniment or even harmony, the music is sublimely sung by a stalwart squadron of stentorian male voices, all Orthodox cantors from Portland, Atlanta, San Francisco, Boston and London. BRETT CAMPBELL. Trinity Episcopal Cathedral, 147 NW 19th Ave., 236-8202. 7:30 pm Saturday, Jan. 2. $33-$44. All ages.
For more Music listings, visit
Willamette Week DECEMBER 30, 2015 wweek.com
Divers, Hello Hello (Party Damage/Rumbletowne) The best live band in Portland finally released its debut LP, and it did not disappoint. Shot through with frustration and wonder, the gritty and grandiose working-class anthems on Hello Hello cohere into a statement of real and rousing hope. CHRIS STAMM.
The Domestics, The Domestics (Tender Loving Empire) There’s something touching about the Domestics’ debut, an earnest, bittersweet rock-’n’roll record that’s good for stumbling home the next day from a rough night out and getting blinded by the sunlight. SHANNON GORMLEY.
Fourth World Magazine Vol. II (Spencer Clark), Pinhead in Fantasia (Pacific City Sound Visions) As a four-piece neoclassical synth masterpiece, Pinhead is a fitting eulogy to the Portland that Spencer Clark left behind, taking his Pacific City Sound Visions label to L.A., Australia and now Europe in a quest to evoke “A New Image of Man.” WS.
Grand Lake Islands, Songs From Far (Good Mountain) Erik Emanuelson’s lo-fi ruminations cover former lives and lovers with such a beautiful frailty it makes all our hardships seem worth it—you just need to look beyond the haunting pedal steel and a voice that quivers as if it’s been left out in the cold. BRANDON WIDDER.
Guantanamo Baywatch, Darling…It’s Too Late (Suicide Squeeze) Guantanamo Baywatch has been around town for years, but 2015’s Darling…It’s Too Late helped bring the band national attention with a snappy LP of retro instrumentals and vocalbased surf rock. HILARY SAUNDERS.
Kind of Like Spitting, It’s Always Nice To See You (Topshelf) Singer-songwriter Ben Barnett’s triumphant return after nearly 10 years of dormancy is as great as anything on Kind of Like Spitting’s cult-classic predecessors. These seven crunchy, hook-laden gems show a maturity and cohesion that was previously lacking, but the band remains open-book honest enough that none of its initial urgency has been lost. CRIS LANKENAU.
The Last Artful Dodgr, Fractures (EYRST) This EP is only three songs, but that’s all Alana Chenevert needs to show us her range, as she manages to work in everything from aggressive brass to electronic ambience, and alternates her nasally, soulful singing with some serious flow. SG.
Leviathan, Scar Sighted (Profound Lore) Jef Whitehead has long been the best black-metal musician, able to combine his knack for incendiary songwriting, ambience and weirdness with rare consistency. Scar Sighted is both a return to form and a step forward into new levels of measured complexity. WM.
Marisa Anderson & Tashi Dorji, Marisa Anderson & Tashi Dorji (Footfalls)
Multi-instrumentalist Marisa Anderson’s instrumental split LP with BhutaneseAmerican guitarist Tashi Dorji is blues-based experimental bliss. Anderson’s contributions, which include new songs and reworkings of previously released material, capture American music’s past and its exciting future all at once. HS.
Mean Jeans, Singles (Dirtnap)
Portland’s slime brigade wrapped up its Dirtnap Records run (an album on Fat Wreck Chords is forthcoming) with a career-spanning collection of the 21st century’s finest pop-punk singles. CS.
Months, Months (self-released)
A delicate and bipolar stomp from a Portland supergroup, Months’ self-titled debut combines the aggressive rebellion of Fugazi with the familiarity of a shimmering lullaby. Months has managed to embody the modest charm of every band I love that has since become huge and less appealing. CL.
Natasha Kmeto, Inevitable (Dropping Gems)
Concluding the journey toward self-actualization she began with 2013’s Crisis, Natasha Kmeto comes out of the closet and into her own, singing about desperation, satisfaction and submission with a boldness that carries over to her deeply evocative electronic production. MATTHEW P. SINGER.
Bold FlAvor vegan Friendly
Rasheed Jamal, Sankofa (self-released) One of Portland’s most cerebral MCs makes his formal introduction, spinning together autobiography and social commentary using a mental reference file that would send Dennis Miller running to Wikipedia. MPS.
Sleater-Kinney, No Cities to Love (Sub Pop) After a decade on ice, the greatest band to ever put roots down in Portland picks up where it left off only in the sense of refusing to make the same album twice in a row. Vacuum-packing the overdriven bluster of 2005’s The Woods into 10 tightly knotted anthems (even while declaring “there are no anthems”), No Cities acknowledges the passage of time without sacrificing a single degree of righteous fire. It’s the rare reunion record that doesn’t lean on past glories but instead creates a new one. MPS.
500 NW 21st Ave, (503) 208-2173 kungpowpdx.com
Summer Cannibals, Show Us Your Mind (New Moss) Summer Cannibals confidently shrugged off any notion of a sophomore slump with this exhilarating helping of 11 fuse-blowing, coolly abrasive pop tracks. The heightened level of badassness demonstrated on Show Us Your Mind more than justifies the tempting comparison to Northwest legend Sleater-Kinney. MARK STOCK.
The Tamed West, The Tamed West (self-released) A cleanly produced piece of anthemic psychedelia, the Tamed West’s eponymous EP showcases its ability to craft perfectly layered pop music. A radio-ready effort by all available measures, the record is just the sort of thing that might bring more big-label attention to Portland. PARKER HALL.
Tiburones, Eva (Pink Smoke) Outwardly rich and long overdue, Tiburones blends the best qualities of two Portland music stalwarts. Luz Elena Mendoza and Shaky Hands’ Nick Delffs pair perfectly, offering up stirring woodwinds and rhythms that are more often found in cantinas just south of the equator than our own. BW.
Unknown Mortal Orchestra, Multi-Love (Jagjaguwar) Left dizzied by a year of living polyamorously, self-made pop auteur Ruban Nielson went down to his basement and emerged with the most eclectic UMO record yet, working through his confusion via flubbery funk, jumpy disco and hung-over soul jazz, suggesting Nielson does his best work while his head is spinning. MPS.
Woolen Men, Temporary Monument (Woodsist) Temporary Monument solidifies Woolen Men’s rightful place in the forefront of the Portland analog rock movement, pulling from the very best eras of punk, garage and lo-fi without coming off as derivative or overtly nostalgic. Even better, it serves—at least partly —as a “fuck you” to the city’s latest wave of gentrification. MS. MORE: Hear tracks from each of these albums at wweek.com. Willamette Week DECEMBER 30, 2015 wweek.com
MUSIC CALENDAR WED. DEC. 30 Alberta Street Pub 1036 NE Alberta St Tommy Alexander
Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall
1037 SW Broadway Oregon Symphony, Portland Symphonic Choir, Meow Meow
Ash Street Saloon 225 SW Ash Husky Boys
Doug Fir Lounge
830 E Burnside St. Balto, Vacilando, St. Even, Swansea
2530 NE 82nd Ave Arthur Moore, Blues Jam
2126 S. W. Halsey ST. John Bunzow
Goodfoot Pub & Lounge 2845 SE Stark St SHAFTY
2348 SE Ankeny Grimms Gathering with Jakob Grimm
1336 NW 19th Ave Anson Wright Duo
222 SW Clay St. Straight No Chaser: The New Old Fashioned Tour
Kennedy School Theater
5736 N.E. 33rd Ave. Jon Koonce
McMenamins Al’s Den 303 SW 12th Ave Shane Tutmarc
3939 N Mississippi Ave The Get Ahead, Saeeda Wright
THURS. DEC. 31 Aladdin Theater
3017 SE Milwaukie Ave. “Brew Years Eve” with Appetite For Deception, Motorbreath, Sacred Heart
Alberta Rose Theatre 3000 NE Alberta St Jerry Douglas Band
Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall
1037 SW Broadway Pink Martini
Ash Street Saloon 225 SW Ash Raise the Bridges
6000 NE Glisan St NYE with Smut City Jellyroll Society
1028 SE Water Ave. New Year’s Eve Battle of the Decades
Clyde’s Prime Rib Restaurant & Bar
5474 NE Sandy Blvd Cool Breeze
1332 W Burnside St. Calexico, Blind Pilot, Ages And Ages
350 W Burnside St. Dwarves, Lord Dying, Gaytheist
Doug Fir Lounge
830 E Burnside St. Magic Sword, Minden, Foul Weather
2530 NE 82nd Ave Robbie Laws’ Show
4904 SE Hawthorne Blvd. NYE Soul Night with Ural Thomas and the Pain
1800 East Burnside St EastBurn 8th Anniversay New Years Eve Party!
6517 SE Foster Rd Rocket Stove Brass Band
2126 S. W. Halsey ST. Cooper Lynn Hayes, The Junebugs, Tony Smiley
Streetcar Bistro and Taproom
Goodfoot Pub & Lounge
1101 NW Northrup Avenue Tom Bennett
The Liquor Store
3341 SE Belmont St. Mean Jeans, P.R.O.B.L.E.M.S., Therapists
The White Eagle
836 N Russell St Heavy Gone Acoustic Allstars Party
2845 SE Stark St QUICK and EASY BOYS
1001 SE Morrison St. Chanti Darling, Ancient Heat, Shy Girls (DJ set), DJ Nathan Detroit, DJ Ben Tactic, DJ Bobby D
2348 SE Ankeny Helvie, Tiny Matters, Farm Animals
221 NW 10th Ave New Year’s Eve with Mel Brown
For more listings, check out wweek.com.
LAST YEAR LIVE, PT. 2 6
Kennedy School Theater
5736 N.E. 33rd Ave. World’s Finest
McMenamins Mission Theater
1624 NW Glisan St. Jerry Joseph and the Jackmormons
3939 N Mississippi Ave. Sallie Ford, Y La Bamba, Cat Hoch
3100 NE Sandy Blvd. The Mentors, Cemetery Lust, Hectic Shock, Bomb Squad, Truculence
Portland Art Museum
1219 SW Park Ave InspireTruth: A New Year’s Eve Celebration & Ceremony
1101 NE Alberta Street Tango Alpha Tango
Red Star Tavern
503 SW Alder Noble Experiment
1. Death Cab for Cutie at Edgefield, 7/8 2. Blondie playing Project Pabst at Zidell Yards, 7/19 3. Kamasi Washington playing Pickathon at Pendarvis Farms, 8/5 4. D’Angelo at Crystal Ballroom, 8/9 5. Danny Brown playing MusicfestNW at Waterfront Park, 8/29 6. Weird Al at Oregon Zoo, 9/5 7. Kraftwerk at Keller Auditorium, 9/19
1300 SE Stark St. #110 The Helio Sequence, Wild Ones, Kyle Craft
8 NW 6th Ave Leftover Salmon, Fruition
Streetcar Bistro and Taproom
1101 NW Northrup Avenue Matt Lande
Streetcar Bistro and Taproom 1101 NW Northrup Avenue Samsel and The Skirt
Brownish Black, Dirty Revival, DJ N Able
4830 NE 42nd Ave Caleb Klauder’s New Years Eve Rhinestone Bash
6214 N. Interstate Ave Mo Phillips and The Spaghetti Pants Dance Band
The Firkin Tavern
The Spare Room
The White Eagle
1937 SE 11th Ave Toads, New Not Normals, Dead Man Talking
836 N Russell St The Parson Red Heads, Poison Beaches, Lindsay Clark
The Liquor Store
Vie de Boheme
3341 SE Belmont Wake The Town NYE with El Papachango, Chrome Wolves, Barisone and PRSN
The Secret Society 116 NE Russell St
1530 SE 7th Ave Andy Stokes Band
128 NE Russell St. Weinland NYE Supergroup, Liz Vice
FRI. JAN. 1 Adrianna Hill Grand Ballroom
918 SW Yamhill New Year’s Day Party featuring Lisa Tyack with One Brick Shy
Analog Cafe & Theater 720 SE Hawthorne BLVD World Beat West African Music & Drumming with Wamba & Friends
830 East Burnside Street Jerry Joseph and the Jackmormons
Doug Fir Lounge
830 E Burnside St Jerry Joseph and The Jackmormons 2126 S. W. Halsey ST. Anita Margarita & The RattleSnakes
Goodfoot Pub & Lounge
Dig A Pony
736 SE Grand Ave THE AMBASSADOR (soul, Latin, Brazilian)
421 SE Grand Ave Event Horizon (industrial, EBM electro)
THURS. DEC. 31 Dig A Pony
736 SE Grand Ave NYE W/ THE FIX
615 SE Alder St. DJ Anjali and The Incredible Kid, Uproot Andy (bhangra, Bollywood, desi)
Hawthorne Theatre 1507 SE 39th Jai Ho! (Bollywood)
421 SE Grand Ave Shadowplay (EBM/goth/industrial)
Goodfoot Pub & Lounge 2845 SE Stark St Soul Stew New Year’s Eve
FRI. JAN. 1 Lovecraft Bar
421 SE Grand Ave Death Trip with DJ (garage, psych, post punk, goth)
Euphoria Nightclub 315 SE 3rd Ave Stooki Sound
SAT. JAN. 2 Goodfoot Pub & Lounge 2845 SE Stark St
Willamette Week DECEMBER 30, 2015 wweek.com
426 SW Washington St Dre Slapz, Verbz, Lang, Mighty, Yo-X, Samuel the 1st
WED. DEC. 30
[DEC. 30–JAN. 5]
GET ON UP AT THE GOODFOOT: FATHERS of FUNK REMIXED w/ TAKIMBA and FRIENDS
1001 SE Morrison St Yes Please with Pocket Rocket, Hold My Hand, Sappho (garage, disco, house)
3967 N. Mississippi Ave DJ Roane
421 SE Grand Ave MISPRID presents Expressway to Yr Skull (death rock, shoegaze, electro)
SUN. JAN. 3 Lovecraft Bar
421 SE Grand Ave DJ Buckmaster presents Sad
2845 SE Stark St FIRST FRIDAY SUPERJAM w/DJ MAGNETO & FRIENDS
5202 N Albina Ave. Sad Horse
8. Titus Andronicus at Mississippi Studios, 10/2 9. Neil Young at the University of Portland’s Chiles Center, 10/7 10. Madonna at Moda Center, 10/17 11. Leon Bridges at Crystal Ballroom, 11/4 12. Beach Slang at Analog Cafe, 11/11 13. Everclear at Wonder Ballroom, 11/18 14. Alabama Shakes at Crystal Ballroom, 12/10
SAT. JAN. 2 Aladdin Theater
3017 SE Milwaukie Ave Cracker, Camper Van Beethoven
Alberta Street Pub 1036 NE Alberta St Harm
Ash Street Saloon
225 SW Ash St. Poison Idea, The Lovesores, Shadowhouse
1332 W Burnside St Dead Moon, Don’t, Long Knife
2530 NE 82nd Ave The Jim Jams
2126 S. W. Halsey ST. Kendl Winter
2348 SE Ankeny Mark Savage Hosts
221 NW 10th Ave. Hailey Niswanger Quartet
426 SW Washington St Skull Diver, The Wild War
13 NW 6th Ave Shafty
3939 N Mississippi Ave Foxy Lemon, The Hill Dogs, Beach Fire
The Firkin Tavern
1937 SE 11th Ave Capse + TBA
13 NW 6th Ave Bespeak Love Project
The Secret Society
The Analog Cafe & Theater
116 NE Russell St Uprite Dub Orchestra, DJ Cansaman
The White Eagle 836 N Russell St Pete Kartsounes
720 SE Hawthorne Blvd, Portland, OR 97214 Smoochknob’s Robot & Nurses Ball and Fashion Show
The Firkin Tavern 1937 SE 11th Ave
Matt Lindley Band + Buffalo Jones + Jonny Ampersand
2026 NE Alberta St Something I’m Proud Of
The Secret Society 116 NE Russell St The Libertine Belles
The White Eagle
836 N Russell St Basketball Jones, Reverb Brothers
Trinity Episcopal Cathedral
147 NW 19th Ave. Cappella Romana presents Epiphany
SUN. JAN. 3 Ash Street Saloon 225 SW Ash Excruciator
MON. JAN. 4 Alberta Street Pub 1036 NE Alberta St Mommy Monday
350 West Burnside Karaoke From Hell
2126 S. W. Halsey ST. Cellotronik
Goodfoot Pub & Lounge 2845 SE Stark St Sonic Forum
The Blue Room Bar 8145 Se 82nd Ave Earl and The Healers
TUES. JAN. 5 Ash Street Saloon 225 SW Ash Eaton Flowers
Doug Fir Lounge
2126 S. W. Halsey ST. Vince Brown with James Mason
830 E Burnside St. Red Bull Sound Select: Wye Oak, Aan, Fog Father
4847 SE Division St Ian Miller and Friends!
McMenamins Al’s Den 303 SW 12th Ave Moody Little Sister
7850 SW Capitol Hwy The Portlanders
2530 NE 82nd Ave 9 out of 10
2126 S. W. Halsey ST. Coty Hogue
LaurelThirst Public House 2958 NE Glisan St Jackstraw
600 E Burnside St The Builders and the Butchers, The Jackalope Saints, Turbo Perfecto
St. Mary’s Cathedral
4260 SE Hawthorne Blvd Bluegrass Tuesdays, w/ Pete Kartsounes and Friends
1739 NW Couch St Cappella Romana presents EPIPHANY
421 SE Grand Ave Bones - DJ Aurora
The Ranger Station
The White Eagle 836 N Russell St The Coastline
W W S TA F F
= WW Pick. Highly recommended.
Editor: Matthew Singer. TO HAVE YOUR EVENT LISTED, send show information at least two weeks in advance on the web at wweek.com/submitevents. Press kits, CDs and especially vinyl can be sent to Music Desk, WW, 2220 NW Quimby St., Portland, OR 97210. Please include show or release date information with all physical mailings. Email: firstname.lastname@example.org.
TWO DAYS LEFT TO GIVE!
Choose from 143 awesome local nonproďŹ ts at GiveGuide.org Willamette Week DECEMBER 30, 2015 wweek.com
m aya s e t t o n
BEFORE THEIR TIME: Beer equipment maker Portland Kettle Works bills its brand-new, Kickstarter-funded brewpub The Labrewatory (670 N Russell St., 971-271-8151) as a “test lab” for beer, a spot where brewers can make crazy ales on the house equipment. The first experiment was almost a very costly failure. Back in April, the science-themed bar and brewery held a party before it got a liquor license, handing out free drinks to beermaking clients during the Craft Brewers Conference. The state of Oregon thought the brewery had perhaps illegally charged money, holding up the licensing while the owners stood trial. The test came back negative, and the Labrewatory was allowed to open this November. The sparse, wood-grained brewpub signals its experimental nature with lab-themed decor: Light fixtures look like diagrams of the atom, and the back wall sports a series of beakers and Erlenmeyer flasks arranged on shelves like shoes at Nordstrom. Rather than build a stock of beers, the Labrewatory will host a series of goofy one-offs and collaborations, with an ever-changing cast of resident brewers. But for now, most of the Lab’s 16 taps pour brews from other local beermakers, and the first two brews made in-house—by inaugural brewer-in-residence Charlie Johnson of Reno, Nev.—aren’t all that crazy. One’s a dully old-school malty IPA called HULK S.M.A.S.H., while the other is a really lovely French-yeast “sans nibs” saison so floral you’d swear it was still summer. But the menu promises to get much weirder, judging from the Lab’s board of in-the-tank beers: chocolate-nibs saison (tapped last weekend) made from the same stock as the “sans nibs,” a Thai-soup beer brewed with the folks from Everybody’s Brewing, and a squid-ink cherry gose called Billy the Squid. We await the strange future, where we will all drink beer made of wasabi, and have jetpacks. MATTHEW KORFHAGE.
bar is a fine place to drink and eat mussels beneath a portrait of black-eyed serge Gainsbourg, while television plays in a bar without a television.
Where to drink this week. 1. Great Notion Brewing
2204 NE Alberta St., No. 101, 548-4491, greatnotionpdx.com. Despite offering no beers of the new brewery’s own yet, Great notion’s taps make it alberta’s first credible beer bar ever.
2. Skyline Tavern
8031 NW Skyline Blvd., 286-4788, skytav.com. skyline tavern’s clientele goes like this: millionaire, poor person, construction worker, millionaire.
3. La Moule
2500 SE Clinton St., 971-339-2822, lamoulepdx.com. st. Jack’s cross-river companion
Willamette Week DECEMBER 30, 2015 wweek.com
4. The Slammer
500 SE 8th Ave., 232-6504. the slammer is a Portland holiday tradition—a dive bar so packed with a blinking rainbow of holiday lights that it’s like Peacock Lane for drunk adults, except with cheap beers and four-way Ms. Pac-Man.
5. The Spare Room
4830 NE 42nd Ave., 287-5800, spareroomrestaurantandlounge.com. this converted Cully bowling alley contains as much holiday spirit as one could ever fit in a single room, with big-ass lights on the ceiling and a mess of fake snow to match the real stuff that just started falling in Portland.
PERFORMANCE = WW Pick. Highly recommended. Most prices listed are for advance ticket sales. At-the-door increases and so-called convenience charges may apply, so it’s best to call ahead. Editor: ENID SPITZ. Theater: ENID SPITZ (email@example.com). Comedy: MIKE ACKER (firstname.lastname@example.org). Dance: ENID SPITZ (email@example.com). TO BE CONSIDERED FOR LISTINGS, submit information at least two weeks in advance to: firstname.lastname@example.org.
Post5 Theatre power couple Ty and Cassandra Boice move to Seattle. Last year, the two helped move Post5 from Milepost 5 to a church in Sellwood.
The Toxic Avenger
P H O T O S © 2 0 1 5 D AV I D K I N D E R
It’s a weird start to 2016 at the Alberta Rose as Toxie, a mutant formerly known as Melvin Ferd who was made super-strong by toxic waste, wages a song-and-dance battle to clean up the New Jersey Turnpike. This campy, off-Broadway rock musical manages to call itself a love story, with corrupt politicians and old ladies. If live-action comic books set to catchy jingles are your thing—you’ll “Hot Toxic Love” it. Alberta Rose Theatre, 3000 NE Alberta St., 719-6055. 6 and 9:30 pm Saturday, Jan 2. $29.
Quickstep MAPPING PORTLAND’S MOVING STAGES. With condominiums going up and rents rising, even performing arts companies have to move. Big names like Oregon Ballet Theatre moved from east to west, and some artistic directors left the state altogether. Here we map them.
Sara Krajewski comes from the University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee to replace Bruce Guenther as the Portland Art Museum’s curator of modern and contemporary art. Guenther, who held the post for 14 years, had opened the Jubitz Center and acquired van Gogh’s “The Ox-Cart”.
Northwest Dance Project opens the new Taj Mahal of Portland dance, an 8,500-square-foot mecca on Northeast 10th Avenue, after being kicked out of its North Mississippi Avenue space in July 2014.
Twist Your Dickens
The Second City is back for more than the second time, doing Dickens improv that combines sketch comedy and audience input. Last year, WW pointed out that the show “left an aftertaste worse than that of spoiled eggnog,” and we’re not holding out for a Christmas miracle this year. US Bank Main Stage at The Armory, 128 NW 11th Ave., 445-3700. 7:30 pm Tuesday-Sunday, 2 pm SaturdaySunday and noon Thursday, through Dec. 31. $25-$53.
Polaris Dance moves north of West Burnside Street after its studio near Artists Repertory Theatre is sacrificed to condominium development.
ZooZoo Shrek the Musical
The Miracle Worker
There’s nothing miraculous about it. Artistic director Dámaso Rodriguez knew what he was doing before the first casting call. Agatha Olson stuns as the deaf-blind lead. She’s never taken a theater class, but when a young actor in Third Rail’s 2011 The Pain and the Itch dropped out, Olson was recommended. Going on to act with the likes of Portland Playhouse and CoHo Theater, she’s never done a kids’ show but is a veteran of adult performances like The Big Meal, where she met Rodriguez. This is her first lead role. “At any given moment, there are only maybe 10 kids in the country who could play Helen Keller,” Rodriguez says. This Miracle Worker to grabs your insides long before Annie Sullivan (Val Landrum) cracks her tempestuous charge. The veteran cast riffs on Gibson’s minimal dialogue, adding brawls and well-timed comedy for a surprisingly gripping ride. Flashbacks add a ghostly effect, staged behind a curtain that only turns translucent when it’s backlit. And just before the break, we get a chase scene that rivals Bond. Only this one involves a ceramic water pitcher and Sullivan wearing a bustle as she fields blows from the egg-spattered, explosive Helen. “They should install tissue boxes on every row,” half-joked a millennial on opening night.“The Miracle Worker: brought to you by Kleenex.” Artists Repertory Theatre, Alder Stage, 1516 SW Alder St., 241-1278. 7:30 pm Tuesday-Sunday and 2 pm Sunday, through Jan. 10. Extra show 2 pm Saturday, Jan. 2. $48.
Shrek the Musical
The expected neon colors, large ensembles and fart-off gags are all here, but like a good Disney movie, parents can find a few things to snicker at too. Multilevel sets and a huge closet of professional costumes are impressive, but maybe not quite enough to mitigate a nearly three-hour show time. Extra show noon Thursday, Dec. 31. Northwest Children’s Theater, 1819 NW Everett St., 222-4480. Noon and 4:30 pm Saturday-Wednesday, through Jan. 3. $17-$23.
First went Frogz, now goes ZooZoo. Imago is good at having final shows of childrens’ theater...many times. But really, this truly is the very last time ever in the entire existence of the world that you can watch insomniac hippos, bitchy anteaters and sneaky penguins in mask. Shows Dec. 20 and 22-24 are at 12 and 3 pm, and Dec. 28-30 at 2 pm. Imago Theatre, 17 SE 8th Ave., 231-9581. 7 pm Friday, 12 and 3 pm Saturday and 2 pm Sunday, through Jan. 3. $34.50.
Conduit is evicted from its 20-year home in the Pythian Building on Southwest Yamhill Street by a national cardiodance company called StudioNia. In June, it settled into the Ford Building.
Oregon Ballet Theatre sells its building in Southeast to pay debts and hops across the Willamette to a South Waterfront building near the Old Spaghetti Factory.
COMEDY & VARIETY Control Yourself Second Birthday
Birthed on the first Sunday of 2014, Control Yourself is celebrating it’s second birthday, and doing it with a big announcement. Beginning in 2016, one of the city’s hottest showcases will be weekly. To ring in this historic occasion, host JoAnn Schinderle is welcoming her friends, and some of Portland’s funniest comics, Gabe Dinger, Sean Jordan, Barbara Holm, Curtis Cook and many more show favorites. Alberta Street Pub, 1036 NE Alberta St., 284-7665. 8:30 pm Sunday, Jan. 3. Free. 21+.
Curious Comedy Open Mic
Curious hosts a weekly open-mic night. Sign-ups begin at 7:15, and comics get three minutes of stage time apiece.Curious Comedy, 5225 NE Martin Luther King Jr. Blvd., 477-9477. 8 pm every Sunday. Free.
Curious Comedy Showdown
Curious Comedy’s improvisers duke it out, in hopes of winning audience votes and advancing to the next round of competition. Curious Comedy, 5225 NE Martin Luther King Jr. Blvd., 477-9477. 7:30 pm every Friday and Saturday. $12-$15.
If you missed him on New Year’s Eve, you can catch him in the New Year, but take a day to sleep it off first. A regular on the late-night talk show circuit, Greg Fitzsimmons is known for mixing incisive wit with scathing sarcasm. Start your 2016 off right
Anne Mueller returns to Oregon Ballet Theatre as co-artistic director after a stint managing Hillsboro’s farcical theater company, Bag&Baggage.
After quitting as artistic director at Profile Theatre, New York’s Adriana Baer (director of In the Next Room) says she’ll stay in Portland, or migrate south to San Francisco.
Opera Theater Oregon comes back after a 17-month hiatus, relaunching with a 10th anniversary party and then a holiday show about a stripper.
Milagro’s artistic director of 12 years, Olga Sanchez, leaves to get her doctorate at the University of Oregon.
Moxie Contemporary Ballet, famous for using dancers who don’t meet traditional body size requirements, puts on one show before director Gina Candland dissolves the company and leaves for California in a storm of claims about unpaid dancers and classes canceled without refunds.
CONT. on page 36 Willamette Week DECEMBER 30, 2015 wweek.com
C O U R T E S Y P O R T L A N D C E N T E R S TA G E
Twist Your Dickens
with a comedy show that will deﬁnitely cure your two-day hangover. Helium Comedy Club, 1510 SE 9th Ave., 888-643-8669. 7:30 & 10 pm Saturday, Jan. 2. $20-$28. 21+.
Helium Open Mic
TWO DAYS LEFT TO GIVE!
Generally regarded as the best open-mic night in town, Helium’s sign-ups ﬁll quickly. Show up between 6 and 7 pm to snag some stage time. Helium Comedy Club, 1510 SE 9th Ave., 888-643-8669. 8 pm every Tuesday. Free with a two-item minimum. 21+.
New Year’s Eve with Greg Fitzsimmons
Avoid the chaos of the bars and help ring in the new year with the very hilarious Greg Fitzsimmons. Host of Fitzdog Radio, Fitzsimmons is a proliﬁc writer and performer of standup comedy. He has appeared on The Howard Stern Show and won Emmys writing for The Ellen DeGeneres Show. Fitzsimmons will be doing two New Year’s Eve shows, and if you buy the special reserved package for two for the late show, you’ll get reserved seats, dessert and Champagne for toasting 2016. Helium Comedy Club, 1510 SE 9th Ave., 888-643-8669. 8 & 10:30 pm Thursday, Dec. 31. $39-$159. 21+.
Naked Comedy Open Mic
The Brody hosts a thrice-weekly open-mic night. Comics get fourminute standup slots and can sign up online.Brody Theater, 16 NW Broadway, 224-2227. 9:30 pm every Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. Free with one-item minimum purchase.
Team-based, long-form improv open to audience members and performers of all stripes.. Curious Comedy, 5225 NE Martin Luther King Jr. Blvd., 477-9477. 7:30 pm every Thursday. $5.
Random Acts of Comedy
Choose from 143 awesome local nonproﬁts at GiveGuide.org 36
Willamette Week DECEMBER 30, 2015 wweek.com
Curious Comedy puts on a freewheeling show that brings together sketch, standup and improv. Curious Comedy, 5225 NE Martin Luther King Jr. Blvd., 4779477. 9:30 pm every Saturday. $7-$10.
Stand Up For Yourself
Amy Miller is funny, and she wants to help her friends get their lives together. Host of the only hybrid comedy show/live-talk therapy session in the city, Miller is inviting her friends to the Helium stage to present their best material and then sit down for a no-holdsbarred, anything-goes, one-on-one interview. Audience participation is encouraged, so bring your own questions, and feel free to make them as personal as you want. Joining Miller for her ﬁnal Stand Up For Yourself of 2015 will be Gabe Dinger, Matt Monroe from Denver, Nariko Ott, Neeraj Srinivasan and Laura Anne Whitley. Helium Comedy Club, 1510 SE 9th Ave., 888-643-8669. 8 pm Wednesday, Dec. 30. $10-$18. 21+.
If you’ve ever experienced the artistry and wonder of a Cirque du Soleil performance, you are in no way prepared for the mindfuck that is Spiegelworld. Alternately astounding, hilarious and truly fucking bizarre, the Spiegelworld cast will push you to the absolute limit of what you’re comfortable with—and well fucking beyond. The performance really begins well before showtime, when the performers wander through the crowd catching projectiles in their pants, taking photos with patrons’ faces pressed to their asses and softening the thresholds of humiliation before things get really vulgar. This is all possible—and eﬀective— thanks to the intimate venue. The acrobatics and contortion acts become jaw-droppingly real, with every quivering muscle, hyperextended rib cage and sweatslicked pectoral on full display. It’s every bit as erotic as it sounds and the performers are undeniably world-class. Empire will leave you titillated, amazed and horriﬁed beyond all reason—in the best possible way. PENELOPE BASS. Rose Quarter Benton Lot, 542 N Broadway, 800-745-3000. 7 pm Tuesday-Sunday and 9 pm FridaySaturday, through Jan. 17. $25-$99.
For more Performance listings, visit
VISUAL ARTS = WW Pick. Highly recommended. By ENID SPITZ. TO BE CONSIDERED FOR LISTINGS, submit show information— including opening and closing dates, gallery address and phone number—at least two weeks in advance to: Visual Arts, WW, 2220 NW Quimby St., Portland, OR 97210. Email: email@example.com.
New York-based artist Didier William’s prints, collages and cutouts combine to create colorful layers of paper, panel and wood. He gauges, strikes and stains the surfaces of his paintings of human forms twisted around their environments. It’s an exceptional show, asking how painting and printmaking can deal with space, movement and figure/ground relationships. It’s up for interpretation whether William’s characters are dissolving into or absorbing their backgrounds. Each one is sneakily unnerving, but strong blocks of color make them bold, too. KYLA FOSTER. Through Jan. 2. Hap Gallery, 916 NW Flanders St., 444-7101.
No exhibition can better be described by the phrase “you had to be there.” PDX Contemporary invited six artists to explore color, and it is impossible to appreciate the results without seeing it for yourself. No amount of pouring over the images on the gallery’s website will give you any indication of what it feels like to stand in front of Peter Gronquist’s greenblue color field, wondering how he manipulated light and space. Or how the subtle tones in Anne Appleby’s oil and wax diptych make you feel like you might get sucked into the wall. Sometimes, abstract canvases covered in pigment can elicit loud and disinterested eye rolls from passersby. This is not one of those times. JENNIFER RABIN. Through Jan. 9. PDX Contemporary, 925 NW Flanders St., 222-0063.
The Hundred-Acre Wood
From across the gallery, Ken Ragsdale’s photographs appear to depict depressed Northwest landscapes: campsites after twilight, abandoned clearcut forests. Upon closer inspection, the viewer realizes the images are enlarged photographs of tiny, elaborately constructed paper dioramas. In many, the artist’s pencil lines are intentionally visible, as are the tabs used to fold the 3-D trees, trucks, and water towers together, acting as a reminder that the decay and destruction of our natural world is of our own making. JENNIFER RABIN. Through Jan. 3. Blue Sky Gallery, 122 NW 8th Ave., 225-0210.
In the City
Screenprints on glass tiles of everyday objects like dumpsters, mopeds and storefront mannequins by Portland artist Stacey Lynn Smith, Nathan Sandberg’s glass and concrete tiles that are dot printed to mimic the unnoticed textures of asphalt and Scottish artist Karlyn Sutherland’s kiln-formed glass rectangles combine at Bullseye Project’s In
the City collective show. Using urban landscapes as inspiration, the show ranges from Sandberg’s “Paver 6”—a small square of concrete lined with cracks—to Smith’s screenprints reminiscent of fliers and ads that collage street corners, including things like a canary yellow food truck. KYLA FOSTER. Through Dec. 23. Bullseye Gallery, 300 NW 13th Ave., 227-0222.
The Last Road North
For five years, Alaska-based photographer Ben Huff traveled along America’s northernmost thoroughfare, the Haul Road. Built as a supply route for the Trans-Alaska Pipeline, the road extends 414 miles and is traversed primarily by truckers transporting supplies to and from the oil fields. Huff is sharing his visual journey, inspired by the captivating Alaskan landscape and the individuals and machines who navigate it. His photographs capture the paradoxes of the Haul Road—beautiful, snowy mountains in the wilderness, juxtaposed with miles of snaking pipeline and abandoned, rusty oil barrels. KYLA FOSTER. Through Jan. 2. Newspace Center for Photography, 1632 SE 10th Ave., 963-1935.
Material Evolution: Urban Coyotes, Past and Present
If you’re wondering what a sea-green coyote has to do with the Venice Canal, Mary Hinckley might not have an answer for you. Her enigmatic show combines disparate images— a salmon head sculpture and a metal gate—to examine hidden connections. These fused glass works feature kaleidoscopic patterns of primary reds, blues and yellows, and are created through a hybrid process that draws from mosaic and stained-glass traditions. Coyote sculptures in a plethora of colors and sizes comment on the way slight modifications to an image can completely change how we view them. A pink resin coyote might evoke playfulness, while the same sculpture cast in bronze emanates feral strength. HILARY TSAI. Through Dec. 30. Augen Gallery, 716 NW Davis St., 546-5056.
Molly 16’s Rock n Roll Fantasy
Honoring a local youth’s mark on the rise of punk rock in Portland circa 1990, Molly 16’s Rock n Roll Fantasy is a multimedia sidecar to PNCA’s Alien She exhibit, which centers on Bikini Kill. Molly 16 grew up in group homes in Portland in the ‘90s, singing in an all-girl band and critiquing society in her Rock n Roll Fantasy zine. She did the cover art for Bikini Kill’s debut album, but later took her own life. This exhibit of archival videos, animations and music—curated by Molly’s best friend, filmmaker Amber Dawn—is an homage to Molly and her Fantasy. ENID SPITZ. Through Jan.
29. Collection Studies Lab, 511 NW Broadway, 917-324-3179.
The stunning new exhibition from the Paul G. Allen Family Foundation has all of the hits no one has ever seen. The only reason these works aren’t in the art history books is because they haven’t been in a public collection.These aren’t the pinnacle works of any artist’s career but there is still a healthy selection from Monet to Moran, O’Keeffe to Richter. Some might be disappointed that none of the pieces are recognizable masterworks, but that’s precisely what makes this show so important. Viewing a private collection is like unlocking a hidden room of art history—these are gems secreted away from the rest of the world that are now brought to light. We see Cézanne’s Mont SainteVictoire, Monet’s water lilies and the explosive power of Volaire’s Vesuvius, but also the fleshy flora of O’Keeffe and the blurry photo paintings of Richter. GRAHAM W. BELL. Through Jan. 10. Portland Art Museum, 1219 SW Park Ave., 226-2811.
Material Evolution: Urban Coyotes, Past and Present at Augen Gallery (also below).
These botany-inspired etchings pull viewers in with sheer vibrancy. Meandering tendrils, bold organic silhouettes and soft, glowing colors radiate life and energy; but there’s more to this series than initially meets the eye. Doyle investigates the connection between natural forms and the invisible energy that links everything together. The delicate linework in pieces like “Katsura” translates migratory patterns and star charts into optical patterns, while preserving continuity with the subject. This thoughtful layer adds a metaphysical edge to the work, and shows us how our tangible world and the unseen forces around us are all interwoven. HILARY TSAI. Through Dec. 30. Augen Gallery, 716 NW Davis St., 546-5056.
The Silk Road
Vibrant, colorful, geometric shapes monopolize this show, which consists of large textile collages and small laser-cut prints by artist Mark R. Smith. His intent to build labyrinthine imagery that suggest the pathways of the historic silk trade route and the online black market comes through in these paintings— most obviously in “Spiritual” and “Practice,” where Smith juxtaposes what appears to be a continuous circuit of digital wiring with elaborate embroidered fabric. Smith’s work references pixelated images, but combined with his laborious process and tactile materials, the outcome is more than two-dimensional. Similar to the intrigue and pull of the Internet, I left the gallery wanting to see more. KYLA FOSTER. Through Jan. 2. Elizabeth Leach Gallery, 417 NW 9th Ave., 224-0521.
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Movie Times P.43
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HOW PORTLAND’S TWO MOST NOTABLE AUTHORS SPENT THEIR YEAR.
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Jan. 15: The movie version of Cheryl Strayed’s trail memoir Wild, in which Cheryl is played by Reese Witherspoon, is snubbed for a Best Picture nomination in a ridiculously dude-heavy crop of Oscar nominees. Cheryl cites Hollywood sexism as the reason.
March 24: Chuck Palahniuk’s novel Lullaby—about a song that can kill babies, wives and talk-radio hosts—is optioned as an indie film.
March 27: In the spirit of complete non sequitur, Oregon Public Broadcasting polls website readers to name Oregon’s “official state book.” Cheryl’s Wild and Chuck’s Fight Club tie for second place, behind Ken Kesey’s Sometimes a Great Notion.
May 11: Some guy finds the shoe Reese Witherspoon chucked from the top of Skibowl in Wild. Cheryl declares herself relieved the movie would now have a smaller ecological, uh…footprint.
May 26: Chuck publishes a book of short stories, Make Something Up, that includes strippers with diarrhea, people who defibrillate their own heads for fun, and more words for cunnilingus than you’d ever need to know. It enters the New York Times best-seller list at No. 8.
May 27: Nineteen years after the original Fight Club, Chuck publishes the first installment of the sequel…as a comic book. It is drawn by the same guy who does Batgirl.
June 23: Chuck makes a trailer for a book called Fight Club 4 Kids. The book is unavailable in stores. Sample quote: “We’ll call it the Horsing Around Club, and we’ll just fuckin’ go to town on each other, just visceral disturbing shit, you know?”
Aug. 26: Chuck writes himself into the fourth issue of Fight Club 2 as the guy writing Fight Club 2, alongside his whole mostly famous writing group. “We see Marla enter,” comic-Chuck says as Marla enters the room. “This borders on being too meta,” says comic-Monica Drake. Cheryl does not appear.
Oct. 26: Cheryl, Witherspoon and Laura Dern sign on for a HBO series based on Cheryl’s “Dear Sugar” advice columns. The series will be all about the four L’s: “love, loss, lust and life through the eyes of a Portland family who live by the mantra that the truth will never kill you.”
Oct. 27: Cheryl quotes herself, like, a hundred times, in a book of inspirational quotations called Brave Enough. It enters the New York Times best-seller list at No. 9.
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WHAT PORTLANDIA’S FAVORITE DUO DID IN 2015.
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Jan. 20: Carrie Brownstein’s band Sleater-Kinney reunites and releases its first album in a decade, No Cities to Love, as Carrie simultaneously hawks a new season of Portlandia.
Jan. 31: Fred Armisen logs his 856th SNL sketch, the second most of any cast member ever. Only Kenan Thompson has appeared in more sketches, mostly because he had to play every black character for several years.
May 5: Sleater-Kinney returns to the Crystal Ballroom, the same venue where it played its last show before disbanding in 2006. Fred is nowhere to be found.
Aug. 27: IFC pulls one of Fred’s Portlandia sketches, a bit for Documentary Now! parodying Vice that depicts two journalists being murdered onscreen.
Oct. 27: Carrie publishes a memoir called Hunger Makes Me a Modern Girl. It’s light on dirt, but did include a memorable account of her first lesbian experience: “Polly suggested we pass the drink mouth-to-mouth. It started like that, our mouths merely conduits, containers. The feeling was warm but still perfunctory.”
Nov. 30: IFC titillates fans with a “Fred Armisen & Carrie Brownstein Have Sex” teaser, promising an explosive new season in January. It’s warm but still perfunctory.
Dec. 2: Fred and Carrie appear together in an Old Navy commercial.
Dec. 9: Fred dresses as Zooey Deschanel to tease his upcoming cameo on New Girl.
Dec. 13: After presumably asking all year and getting the brush-off, Fred finally gets onstage with Sleater-Kinney, playing cowbell on “Rock Lobster.”
Dec. 25: Todd Haynes’ Oscar darling, Carol, features a brief appearance by Carrie, who tries to seduce Rooney Mara’s character. Fred does not appear.
Editor: ENID SPITZ. TO BE CONSIDERED FOR LISTINGS, send screening information at least two weeks in advance to Screen, WW, 2220 NW Quimby St., Portland, OR 97210. Email: firstname.lastname@example.org. Fax: 243-1115.
OPENING THIS WEEK Boned
Hollywood actress and producer Angela Landis stars in Boned, a new indie comedy written and directed by Bizarro novelist Laura Lee Bahr. Landis portrays a struggling actress named Samantha Marlow who walks dogs to pay the bills. After accidentally denting the door on an attractive doctor’s SUV, she is swept into a plot of violent dog-nappers, gothic bondage cultists and starving actors in denial who all conspire to topple the unsinkable Samantha. Landis will be attending the Portland premiere at Mission Theater on Jan. 2. See wweek. com for Nathan Carson’s Q&A with Landis. NR. Mission.
B Bridgend will take flak for glamorizing juvenile suicide. Much of the film looks like a Rainbow Gathering or an MGMT music video—dozens of Welsh teens dancing naked in the forest. But it’s the same forest where many of their friends hanged themselves. Danish filmmaker Jeppe Rønde captures the bone-chilling eeriness of the Welsh county, where more than 75 teenagers have committed suicide since 2007. Rønde uses minimal dialogue, lighting in gray, yellow and red hues, apathetic acting styles and even real Welsh teens to tell this quietly suspenseful story. Hannah Murray (Skins and Game of Thrones) plays Sarah, a girl who moves to Bridgend and gets caught up in the depressive youth culture, with a haunting and subtle performance. The film leaves you feeling more lost than ever, and not at all glamorous. NR. SOPHIA JUNE. Clinton.
Noma: My Perfect Storm
A- Not only does Denmark have thousands of spoiled cyclists, the happiest people in the world and the headquarters for Lego, it’s also home to Noma, a restaurant that uses only seasonal Scandinavian ingredients and was ranked Best Restaurant in the World by Restaurant magazine four times. Pierre Deschamps’ documentary about Noma and its founder Rene Redzepi is ultimately a love letter to Scandinavia written in tight shots of dishes with musing voice-overs and dewy Danish forests set to ethereal soundscapes. But Deschamps doesn’t flatter Redzepi. Instead, the director unapologetically shows us a successful restaurateur who struggles with keeping his success. The film forgoes narration for a naturalistic style, putting viewers in the place they’re most curious about—the kitchen. Deschamps uses overhead angles to show chefs’ hands garnishing everything from beets to live ants. And that’s where the film should have stayed. By the end, shots of sunny fields and the word “seasonality” get old. NR. SOPHIA JUNE. Cinema 21.
STILL SHOWING The Big Short
A We’re in a bubble of movies about
the financial crisis, but The Big Short is the first good one. It’s based on the book by Michael Lewis, who’s known for making complicated financial issues into compelling stories, and adapted by Adam McKay, who is known for Talladega Nights and the “More Cowbell” sketch. Surprisingly, this combo works. The film focuses on three real weirdos (Steve Carell, Christian Bale and Brad Pitt) who were some of the only people to predict the collapse of the housing market in 2007. They used convoluted financial instruments to make huge bets against housing and, despite devastating personal and professional costs, reaped massive rewards when the world did fall to pieces. The film is packed with funny
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and surprisingly clear explanations of the financial system (shout-out to Planet Money foun der Adam Davidson, who consulted). It’s entertaining and informative, just like you’d expect from Michael Lewis and not at all what you’d expect from Adam McKay. R. ALEX FLACONE. Cedar Hills, Eastport, Clackamas, Living Room Theaters, Bridgeport, City Center, Evergreen, Lloyd Center, Tigard.
Bridge of Spies
B- Steven Spielberg was born to convey
viewers through weird and wonderful alternate realities. Even though history is nearly as illusory as a dinosaur theme park, the director’s gift just doesn’t shine as brightly when he contends with humanity’s past. Bridge of Spies, starring Tom Hanks as an insurance lawyer recruited by the U.S. government to negotiate a spy-for-spy trade with the Soviet Union, benefits from a caustic screenplay by the Coen brothers. While Spielberg is pretty good even when he’s on auto-pilot, there is little here that doesn’t feel perfunctory. PG-13. CHRIS STAMM. Lake Theater, Living Room Theaters.
A- Based on the title alone, you’d
assume that Brooklyn is about a group of artists opening a boutique that sells only dog hoodies. Based on the novel by Irish author Colm Tóibín and adapted by Nick Hornby (High Fidelty, About a Boy), Brooklyn is just the sweetest thing. Saoirse Ronan (Atonement) makes an adorable couple with Emory Cohen (Smash), and I could watch them court for hours, especially their awkward dinners with Cohen’s Italian family. PG-13. ALEX FALCONE. Cedar Hills, Cinema 21, City Center.
A Like a long-gone grandparent,
Portland director Todd Haynes’ newest feature is an experience that you remember mostly by token images—Cate Blanchett’s lacquered nails, Rooney Mara developing film in her shabby apartment kitchen, Blanchett’s lipstick stains on Mara’s nipples. A romance between a young salesgirl and older housewife set against the picture-book 1950s, Carol in many ways echoes Haynes’ Oscarnominated Far From Heaven. It’s an almost painfully beautiful adaptation of Patricia Highsmith’s novel, The Price of Salt, with Haynes’ signature touches— magnetic actresses and gorgeous shots of them lighting slim cigarettes. This is the first Haynes feature with a lesbian couple front and center, and the first he didn’t write. Framed to channel Vivian Maier’s midcentury photography of Chicago, the film shows romance as tea sandwiches, abusive husbands and Lindy hops in equal measure. And a sense of voyeurism colors the film—we sit in on the couple’s first date, and in the final scene, Haynes transplants our eyes into Therese’s head and makes them stare straight into Carol’s. But Carol seduced you already, two hours back. R. ENID SPITZ. Hollywood, Fox Tower.
B+ If you’re a fan of modern interpretations of classic Greek drama or showmanship in the style of Baz Luhrman, then this is the Spike Lee joint you’ve been waiting for. Based on Aristophanes’ comedy Lysistrata, Lee tells the tale of an indomitable heroine rallying women from both sides of the Peloponnesian War to withhold sex in order to force the armies to negotiate peace. Through the lens of modern, vibrant, Spike Leestyled Chicago, the classic takes on a gritty texture. In an unsuccessful homage to its Grecian roots, much of Chi-Raq’s dialogue rhymes, resembling a draft of
CONT. on page 40 Willamette Week DECEMBER 30, 2015 wweek.com
POINT BREAK “Dr. Seuss Goes to Englewood.” R. LAUREN TERRY. Cinema 21.
C- It is a sad fact that playing football causes long-term brain damage. It’s an infuriating fact that the NFL covered up the danger to its players. And it’s an amusing fact that the Fresh Prince of Bel Air is starring in a movie based on a GQ article about a coroner living in Pittsburgh who discovered brain damage in a retired player and was hounded by the NFL to retract his ﬁndings. Unfortunately, all these amazing facts don’t add up to a remotely compelling movie. Even Alec Baldwin, Albert Brooks and Big Willie Style (complete with a halfway decent Nigerian accent) couldn’t make an exciting story out of microscopes, publishing scientiﬁc papers, and men sitting around conference tables lying to each other. The most intriguing (and least plausible) moment comes when the movie blames the NFL for the miscarriage of Willennium’s baby, but even that’s not enough to pull me into a movie about a thing I already cared about. PG-13. ALEX FALCONE. Cedar Hills, Eastport, Clackamas, Mill Plain, Cornelius, Oak Grove, Cinema 99, Bridgeport, City Center, Division, Evergreen, Fox Tower, Hilltop, Lloyd Center, Movies on TV, Sherwood, Tigard, Wilsonville, Sandy.
A- Creed—the seventh movie in the Rocky franchise—is more like the original Rocky than its sequels because it’s mostly good, but also because it’s almost entirely the same movie as Rocky. It feels more like an apology for the mediocre Rocky movies we’ve endured, more like a series reboot than a sequel, featuring a stronger young actor in Michael B. Jordan. PG-13. ALEX FALCONE. Cedar Hills, Eastport, Clackamas, Division, Movies on TV.
Two days lefT To give!
Willamette Week DECEMBER 30, 2015 wweek.com
B+ “It’s not a ghost story. It’s a story with ghosts in it,” a ﬁlm in which the things that go bump in the night are not nearly as terrifying as the people who walk the earth. R. AP KRYZA. Laurelhurst, Valley.
B Will Ferrell hasn’t exhausted the comedy of emasculation just yet—his argyle sweater vest-wearing persona still has some comic juice, especially teamed with The Other Guys co-star Mark Wahlberg’s alpha male. Brad (Ferrell) works at a smoothjazz radio station—the movie gets points just for that glorious touch— and is determined to be the world’s best stepdad to the kids of new wife Sarah (Linda Cardellini). Enter Dusty (Wahlberg), Sarah’s tattooed, chopper-ridin’ ex, who might want to reenter the family portrait. Director Sean Anders sticks to sitcom setups, and obvious gags. But compared to, say, the shapeless Sisters, Daddy’s Home at least has structure and sincerity (both ﬁlms have jokes about genitals). Nothing here is as soaringly daft as the “lions vs. tunas” exchange in The Other Guys, but there’s a nice surreal bit about a home repairman (Hannibal Buress) who shows up one day and then just never leaves Brad’s house. Enough of that kind of thing keeps Daddy’s Home recognizably, and acceptably, Ferrellesque. PG. ROBERT HORTON. Cedar Hills, Eastport, Clackamas, Mill Plain, Cornelius, Oak Grove, Cinema 99, Bridgeport, City Center, Division, Evergreen, Hilltop, Lloyd Center, Movies on TV, Pioneer Place,
Sherwood, Tigard, Wilsonville, Sandy, St. Johns Theater.
The Danish Girl
A In director Tom Hooper’s ﬁrst ﬁlm
since Les Miserables, Eddie Redmayne plays Einar Wegener, one of the ﬁrst people to undergo gender reassignment surgery, in the story from David Ebershoﬀ’s novel of the same name. Wegener and his wife, Gerda (Alicia Vikander), a fellow artist and his best friend, make the perfect, hip art couple of 1920s Copenhagen. But the camera immediately drops hints of Einar’s internal conﬂict, pausing to catch him ogle Gerda’s rouge and face powder. When he stands in for one of Gerda’s models for a painting, Einar dons the name “Lili,” quivering with electricity at the touch of stockings on his skin and exuding Old World femininity with every ﬂick of his eyelashes. When confronted with his male body, the pain in his face is nothing short of torture. As Einar sheds his masculine shell for longer periods, Lili becomes more than a game of dress-up between him and Gerda, and Hooper’s ﬁlm drives it home as they prepare to say goodbye to the man who was Einar. R. LAUREN TERRY. Bridgeport, City Center, Fox Tower.
B+ In 1996, a stranded group of climbers met a massive storm at the top of the world. Led by New Zealand mountaineer Rob Hall (Jason Clarke), the team included writer Jon Krakauer (Michael Kelly), who later wrote the book Into Thin Air about the experience. PG-13. LAUREN TERRY. Valley.
The Good Dinosaur
B- The Good Dinosaur is a Little House on the Prairie-esque rendering of pioneer life, except, of course, all the characters are talking dinosaurs living in an alternate reality where a certain fateful asteroid never made impact. The runt among his siblings, Arlo is a young apatosaurus fearful of everything. When his father tries to teach him a lesson in bravery, things go foreseeably tragic in a scene ripped straight from The Lion King. Hijinks ensue, life lessons are learned, and a gonzo acid trip is thrown in for laughs. The reason to see this movie whether or not you have kids in tow (and to spring the extra cash for 3-D) is the truly stunning visuals, with landscapes so realistic that you could just as easily be watching a Planet Earth documentary, with dinosaurs. PG. PENELOPE BASS. Cedar Hills, Eastport, Clackamas, Empirical, Forest Theatre, Cinema 99, Bridgeport, City Center, Division, Evergreen, Movies on TV, Sherwood, Tigard, Wilsonville.
A- It’s easy to be skeptical about a 2015 Goosebumps ﬁlm in 3-D. Jack Black plays R.L. Stine, who joins forces with a couple of cute kids to ﬁght every monster he’s ever written about and save the town. PG. ALEX FALCONE. Vancouver.
The Hateful Eight
A- Quentin Tarantino’s new mystery
Western, The Hateful Eight is a lot of very good things. It’s a spectacular bit of storytelling set against 70 millimeters of Wyoming grandeur, yet neat enough to ﬁt together like the gears in a Swiss watch, with stellar character acting and crackling dialogue. But it’s also very much a Tarantino ﬁlm. Yes, there are buckets of bright red blood spilled on bright
B- This documentary is more about a nonﬁction book than anything else. When the French ﬁlmmaker François Truﬀaut wrote to Alfred Hitchcock, he didn’t expect a response. But he got one, and an interview, and the series of recorded sessions that followed both bonded the men in a close friendship and mined details that Hitchcock never told anyone else. NR. ENID SPITZ. Cinema 21, Kiggins Theatre.
The Hunger Games: Mockingjay, Part 2
B Mockingjay Part 2, the conclusion of the Hunger Games series, looks spectacular. The burned-out shells of future mega-city the Capitol set a perfect mood, the costumes are inventive and cool, and the acting is almost too good since it results in many great actors having only a couple lines. And yet, all that solid artistic work almost, but not entirely, distracts from the fact that MJP2 is a supremely goofy movie. Set during the conclusion of the revolution started in Catching Fire, Katniss Everdeen leads a group of rebels against the Capitol, which has been booby trapped with hot oil, lasers, and an army of lizard people. PG-13. ALEX FALCONE. Cedar Hills, Eastport, Clackamas, Forest Theatre, Cinema 99, Bridgeport, City Center, Division, Evergreen, Fox Tower, Movies on TV, Sherwood, Tigard, Wilsonville.
A- It’s sad. Crushingly, relentlessly
sad. And absolutely brilliant. PG. ALEX FALCONE. Valley.
B+ Ben (Robert De Niro), an active
widower and retiree in need of something to keep himself busy, applies to a senior internship program at “About the Fit,” a Topshop-like online clothing site founded by the dedicated Jules Ostin (Anne Hathaway). It’s a refreshingly modern concept, serving as a reminder that the timeless art of being a gentleman begins with respect. PG-13. LAUREN TERRY. Academy, Laurelhurst, Vancouver, Valley.
B+ Director David O. Russell takes his formula for American Hustle, wraps it in Christmastime and casts America’s asskicking sweetheart Jennifer Lawrence as the woman who invented the self-wringing Miracle Mop. Joy (Lawrence) is the ultimate handyman, balancing her explosive father (Robert De Niro) and musician ex-husband (Édgar Ramirez) ﬁghting in the basement, her antisocial and bedridden mother (Virginia Madsen), two kids and too many unpaid bills. She ﬁxes plumbing, shoots riﬂes to let oﬀ steam, bleeds a widow (Isabella Rossellini) for money and gives Bradley Cooper’s Home Shopping Network exec a piece of her mind. The movie is a joy to look at, with its postcard-worthy scenes and Lawrence wearing the pants. But the girl-power slant is too steep, Lawrence looks and feels too young for her role, and after a crescendoing HSN sales bit, the movie trails too long. Relying on a blue-collar underdog story, co-written by Annie Mumolo of Bridesmaids, and a blameless cast—De Niro, Rossellini, Cooper and they keep rolling in—wasn’t a risky bet. But don’t those mail-order deals always seem smaller in real life? PG-13. ENID
SPITZ. Cedar Hills, Eastport, Clackamas, CineMagic, Mill Plain, Cornelius, Hollywood, Oak Grove, Cinema 99, Bridgeport, City Center, Division, Evergreen, Fox Tower, Hilltop, Lloyd Center, Movies on TV, Sherwood, Tigard, Wilsonville, Sandy.
B- Take the buzz surrounding The Martian with a boulder of salt. It’s just a pretty good sci-ﬁ yarn based on Andy Weir’s book that stumbles on its own ambition. When a massive storm hits the Martian exploration project and Watney’s team leaves him for dead, the skilled botanist realizes that the only way to avoid starvation and space madness is to “science the shit” out of his situation. PG-13. AP KRYZA. Academy, Avalon, Kennedy School, Laurelhurst, Mt. Hood, Vancouver, Valley.
COURTESY OF 1821 PICTURES
white shirts, copious use of the most oﬀensive English-language word beginning with N, and a bloody Mexican standoﬀ. Kurt Russell is John “The Hangman” Ruth, a bounty hunter charged with bringing the mysterious Daisy Domergue (Jennifer Jason Leigh) into Red Rock, Wyo., to hang. His stagecoach comes across snowbound and desperate Samuel L. Jackson and Walton Goggins, and they’re eventually trapped inside a country inn with four lodgers. It’s a great setup, and the long and plentiful monologues are sharp, backstories emerge in a natural way, and the twists are unexpected until they’re obvious. The cartoonish level of violence will give some pause—it’s Kill Bill with fewer bodies but tighter shots—but that’s to be expected of Tarantino, a man who’s had 20 years to indulge his impulses, and who’ll hopefully have 20 more. R. MARTIN CIZMAR. Cedar Hills, Eastport, Clackamas, Mill Plain, Cornelius, Cinema 99, City Center, Division, Evergreen, Fox Tower, Hilltop, Lloyd Center, Movies on TV.
A In remote Turkey, ﬁve orphaned sisters are strictly conﬁned to their home while their uncle arranges their marriages. Beneath the shadow of their family’s oppression and opposition, the girls struggle to experience the youthful freedoms that many of us take for granted. In this feature debut from director Deniz Gamze Ergüven, Lale—the youngest sister—watches her siblings capitulate to suﬀocating patriarchy and searches herself for the strength to escape. The ﬁlm is anchored by outstanding performances from an ensemble cast of young newcomers whose portrayals are sincere and aﬀecting. Through their eyes, we see the anger and fear that dominates their lives and how the young women have been deprived of any choice or freedom. The pallor of their blinkered lives looks stark in comparison to the weathered and intractable attitudes of their traditional and adherent elders. Focused and natural, Ergüven’s direction is concerned mainly with the faces of the characters as they each react in their own way to the inexorable situations they’re trapped in. PG-13. MIKE GALLUCCI. Living Room Theaters.
Director Joe Wright (Atonement, Hanna) remakes the iconic children’s story as a modern-day action ﬂick with Hugh Jackman and Rooney Mara. Screened after deadline. PG. Avalon, Vancouver.
Peggy Guggenheim: Art Addict
A In the tradition of Grey Gardens, ﬁlmmaker and fashion addict Lisa Immordino Vreeland throws viewers into the closeted, batshit world of the woman who imagined London’s ﬁrst modern art museum, slept with Samuel Beckett, commissioned Jackson Pollock’s largest-ever work for her front entry, and once had an original Dalí delivered to her in bed. A black sheep of the world’s most famous family of curators, Peggy Guggenheim was an oddball—she shaved her eyebrows at school just for the hell of it, chats nonchalantly in interviews about her dozens of abortions and was so notoriously cheap that she served shitty wine and old pasta to Picasso at her art parties. But the ﬁlm captures her insanity with sympathy (and a bigger budget than most arthouse biopics). Even the most casual art users could easily be hooked by the story of this enfant terrible. NR. ENID SPITZ. Living Room Theaters.
The Peanuts Movie
A bald child named Charlie battles questionable fashion choices, impossible odds and burgeoning hormones. G. Academy, Avalon, Empirical, Kennedy School, Laurelhurst, Mt. Hood, Vancouver, Valley.
D+ The decision to remake the 1991
surﬁng, bank-robbing, buddy-cop, romance, skydiving, Zen meditation Patrick Swayze-Keanu Reeves classic Point Break—as a globe-trotting, bloated, extremely serious adventure— is baﬄing. It’s as if somebody stripped the original of its charm and character dynamic, let it soak in a bucket of Mountain Dew, Red Bull and Axe body spray, and then plopped it onscreen, dripping and bulging. Johnny Utah (Luke Bracey, making Reeves seem like Orson Welles), a young FBI agent with
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TAKE YOUR BEST SHOT: Natalie Portman and Joel Edgerton.
Coming Soon YOUR RAINY-SEASON GUIDE TO THE MULTIPLEX. January through April is traditionally the dumping ground for Hollywood dreck. See: Ride Along 2, Dirty Grandpa and Marlon Wayans’ Fifty Shades of Black. But it’s cold. It’s raining. And you’re going to go to the movies. Here’s what to see.
The Revenant (Jan. 7) Birdman director Alejandro González Iñárritu channels his inner Herzog with this gruesome, breathtaking survival tale, in which legendary trapper Hugh Glass (Leonardo DiCaprio) endures a bear attack, then crawls his way across starkly shot landscapes in a quest for survival—and that ever-elusive Oscar.
Ip Man 3 (Jan. 22)
movie from a major studio in a while, and it goes for it—exploding heads, sex, more exploding heads and Silicon Valley’s T.J. Miller quipping that Ryan Reynolds’ masked assassin “looks like Freddy Krueger face-fucked a topographical map of Utah.”
Zoolander 2 (Feb. 12) Admit it. In your heart of hearts, you know you want to see Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson back in those really, really good-looking costumes.
The Witch (Feb. 26) Continuing a run of artful and terrifying indie horror flicks, this pioneer-era chiller is being hailed as a new master class in slow-burn terror, and possibly 2016’s It Follows.
Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice (March 25)
There are a million movies—of increasing ridiculousness—based on the life of Bruce Lee’s master. In this one, Ip Man (Donnie Yen) fights fucking Mike Tyson. It looks too dumb to miss.
Ben Affleck throws his butt-chin into the superhero ring. Directed by Zach Snyder (so expect 90 minutes of footage stretched to nine hours thanks to needless slow motion), the film is DC and Warner Bros.’ first attempt at a Marvel-style roundup.
Jane Got a Gun (Jan. 29)
I Saw the Light (March 25)
Natalie Portman’s Western seemed doomed, having gone through what felt like more directors and costars than the Bond series. But as Portman protects her invalid husband from a murderous gang, the promise of a Western with a strong female lead is enough to make it worth enduring Ewan McGregor’s horrible attempt at an American accent.
Hail, Caesar! (Feb. 5) The Coen Brothers return to their screwball tendencies with a farce about the golden age of Hollywood with a sterling cast— George Clooney, Channing Tatum, Jonah Hill, Josh Brolin, Ralph Fiennes and Tilda Swinton, to name a few.
Deadpool (Feb. 12) Deadpool’s long road to screen redemption finally reaches its end. This is the first R-rated superhero
It looks like a standard biopic. But Tom Hiddleston playing Hank Williams is intriguing. It’ll be worth a peek just for his grin.
The Jungle Book (April 15) Jon Favreau’s Kipling adaptation looks absolutely stunning, with animal effects that recall Life of Pi. And I’d pay money to hear Bill Murray sing “Bear Necessities” as himself, let alone as Baloo the bear.
Green Room (April 15) In director Jeremy Saulnier’s follow-up to his gruesome Blue Ruin, a traveling punk band faces off with a group of neo-Nazis led by Patrick Stewart, right here in Oregon. It’s supposed to be one of the most visceral films in a while. AP KRYZA. Willamette Week DECEMBER 30, 2015 wweek.com
B+ In this riveting adaptation of Emma Donoghue’s novel, an abducted woman must raise her son in a confined space, R. LAUREN TERRY. Academy, Laurelhurst.
A How do you like your tension?
Relentless? Then you’re in luck, my friend, because Sicario is like a broken elevator; it never lets up. OK, that joke doesn’t work, but the crime thriller starring Emily Blunt (The Devil Wears Prada) does. She’s a talented FBI agent specially recruited into a task force fighting a brutal (and questionably legal) war against Mexican drug cartels. She spends the whole movie confused and on edge while taking orders from the mysterious Benicio Del Toro (Snatch), who manages to act without ever fully opening his eyes or mouth. As the real mission of the task force slowly takes shape, so do beautiful sweeping helicopter shots of the border zone and heartbreaking vignettes of all the people affected by drug war. It’s a powerful film even if you never have anybody to root for. R. ALEX FALCONE. Academy, Laurelhurst, Vancouver.
C+ As Gen X plunges into the Big Four-O with all the grace of an arthritic Tommy Lee flailing about his gyroscopic drum riser, they’ve released a slew of movies about the bummers of aging: You’ve got your Grown-Ups, your Hot Tub Time Machines, your Star Wars (I assume that’s what Chewie’s arc will be about), etc. This year, America’s pre-eminent comedic minds, Amy Poehler and Tina Fey, take a crack at it as the titular sisters. Poehler is Maura, a peppy dogooder nurse, recently divorced. Fey is Kate, a single mom surfing couches after being fired from a hair salon. When their parents call to tell them they’re selling their childhood home and they need to come get their stuff, they (of course) come up with another plan: throw one last rager in the house (of course). For the most part, it’s a straight-up party comedy, replete with the requisite tropes: a guy (current SNL cast member Bobby Moynihan ) taking too many drugs, an unwanted crasher (ex-SNL cast member Maya Rudolph), a vaguely racist subplot featuring a Korean nail stylist, and an extended rectal trauma sequence featuring MADtv alum Ike Barinholtz. There are plenty of funny bits—Poehler wearing her childhood retainer, Moynihan painting a wall with his Moynihan—but given the preponderance of truly innovative comedians, Sisters is disappointingly standard. R. JAMES HELMSWORTH. Cedar Hills, Eastport, Clackamas, Mill Plain, Cornelius, Oak Grove, Cinema 99, Bridgeport, City Center, Division, Evergreen, Fox Tower, Hilltop, Lloyd Center, Movies on TV, Sherwood, Tigard, Wilsonville, Sandy.
C+ The 26th Bond film—has it all, and
more. The one thing it doesn’t have is the ability to leave a lasting impression. We walk out of the theater neither shaken nor stirred. Following the impressive Skyfall, director Sam Mendes returns to the director’s chair. Buildings crumble, helicopters do barrel rolls, and Daniel Craig nonchalantly causes millions in property damage. But from the minute Sam Smith’s grating theme music starts, the movie slides down-
hill. Most disappointing is Christoph Waltz—so perfect in Inglourious Basterds and Django Unchained—who just sneers, cackles and hunches. Sure, there’s fun to be had—Bond drives a tricked-out ride through Rome’s narrow streets and engages in an Alpine plane chase before the anticlimactic conclusion (extremely uncommon for the series) lands with a dull thud. Considering everybody who’s involved in Spectre, the very last reaction anybody expected was “meh.” PG-13. AP KRYZA. Mt. Hood, Evergreen, Fox Tower, Vancouver.
AP FILM STUDIES W W S TA F F
a chip on his shoulder, again infiltrates a gang of mysterious, adrenaline-addicted thieves led by the charismatic Bodhi (Édgar Ramirez). Utah gets in too deep, drawn like others to Bodhi’s mysterious charm. People die. Things blow up. Athletes do extreme things. But outside the basic outline, Point Break 2015 shares very little with its predecessor. Characters say things like, “Sometimes whaling ships are stronger than ideas” with utmost sincerity. Every action gets sped up by 15 camera cuts. And people think nothing about scaling the side of the world’s largest waterfall, just because they got bored with the foot chase they were in. It’s ridiculous. So was the original. But shit this ridiculous should layer fun in with its nonstop thrill-seeking. PG-13. AP KRYZA. Cedar Hills, Eastport, Clackamas, Mill Plain, Cornelius, Oak Grove, Bridgeport, City Center, Division, Evergreen, Hilltop, Lloyd Center, Movies on TV, Pioneer Place, Sherwood, Tigard, Wilsonville, Sandy.
A- Spotlight inverts the usual comparison: It’s a movie that feels like prestige television. Specifically, it feels like The Wire. An Oscar favorite recounting how a Boston Globe investigative team uncovered an epidemic of pederast priests abetted by the Archdiocese, Spotlight borrows the rhythms of a propulsive TV procedural. It resists the temptation for self-congratulation. Instead, there’s a pall of communal guilt (much of it Catholic), an acknowledgement that a Pulitzer Prize won’t erase decades of conniving at rape. R. AARON MESH. Hollywood, Bridgeport, Fox Tower.
Star Wars: The Force Awakens
A- If there’s one thing we know about Star Wars fans, it’s that they’re as resistant to change as any religious zealot. And so, the best thing that can be said about The Force Awakens is that it’s classicist in the way of a wellexecuted neo-soul record, crackling with familiarity without bowing to the altar of history. It’s almost old-fashioned. There’s no Dark Knight-style brooding, no ring-a-ding-ding dialogue a la The Avengers or Guardians of the Galaxy. The action is fairly nonstop, but not shot up with meth and Red Bull like Mad Max: Fury Road. The story here is pretty simple: Some guys in helmets are threatening peace in the galaxy, and it’s up to, well, youknow-who to stop them. Yes, the line “Chewie, we’re home” will cause 30-somethings to clutch their limited-edition wookiee action figures to their chests, but the nostalgia filters to the film’s edges. This is the first installment of a new trilogy, which means developing new heroes and villains for a generation that doesn’t know Dooku from Lando. And that’s mostly the feeling you’ll have leaving the theater—that all you’ve really seen is the first third of a series that’s going to take the next half-decade to climax. All you can ask of director J.J. Abrams is that he leave you in anticipation. It’d be difficult for even the most hardcore Star Wars evangelical to argue that he hasn’t. PG-13. MATTHEW SINGER. Bagdad, Cedar Hills, Eastport, Clackamas, Mill Plain, Cornelius, Edgefield, Lake Theater, Milwaukie, Moreland, Oak Grove, Cinema 99, Bridgeport, City Center, Division, Evergreen, Hilltop, Lloyd Center, Movies on TV, Pioneer Place, Sherwood, Tigard, Wilsonville, Roseway Theatre, Sandy, St. Johns Cinemas.
C Italian filmmaker and Oscar winner Paolo Sorrentino’s exploration of aging, starring Michael Caine and Harvey Keitel as two graying artists, feels artistically important. Almost too much so. Despite coming from a well-respected filmmaker working with an all-star cast, it ends up feeling like too much beautiful, existential pondering without enough teeth. Caine and Keitel sit around talking about the past and how much they piss, which doesn’t sound cute or important, even from Caine. Then they make profound pronouncements: “You say emotions don’t matter. Emotions are all we have.” Then a naked person or a cow walks by, and it might mean something. A lot of stuff might—like, why does Caine’s daughter make out with the ugly mountaineer? Why is Paul Dano dressed like Hitler? After a masseuse gives Caine a hand job, why do we watch her play Dance Dance Revolution? Like, eight times? PG-13. ALEX FALCONE. Cinema 21.
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Willamette Week DECEMBER 30, 2015 wweek.com
Reel Resolutions MAKE 2016 THE YEAR YOU DOMINATED PORTLAND’S FILM SCENE. BY A P kRYz A
Just because movie fans spend most of the time sitting on our asses doesn’t mean we can’t be proactive. Portland’s film scene is one of the nation’s best and most social, with everything from prestige screenings to festivals to burlesque accompaniment at films. ’Tis the season for resolutions, and you could do a helluva lot worse than resolving to go to more movies.
Catch a film in 70 mm glory.
Last March, the Hollywood Theatre cemented its place as the best theater in Oregon with the revival of 70 mm projection, the crispest and most glorious of all film presentations. Talking about the beauty of its 70 mm screenings of 2001: A Space Odyssey or The Hateful Eight does them no justice. If you love movies, you owe it to yourself to see 70 mm in action.
Experience Rocky Horror in person.
If you haven’t caught the nation’s longest-running Rocky Horror Picture Show cabaret extravaganza at the Clinton Street Theater, you’re not really a Portlander. If you have, isn’t it time you devirginized somebody? What else are you gonna do at midnight on a Saturday?
Hit every single independent theater.
Arthouse flicks at Cinema 21. Blockbusters at CineMagic. Second-run at Laurelhurst. Some weird shit at the Clinton. Throw in the McMenamempire. Just…go.
Toss spoons at The Room.
Portland’s other favorite midnight movie—Tommy Wiseau’s dumbfoundingly bad The Room—has become a monthly tradition at Cinema 21, where folks gather to bask in the glow of the mundane trashterpiece, sometimes spot the Cro-Magnon visage of Wiseau in person and throw spoons. Lots of spoons.
Attend a small festival.
The Portland International Film Festival is great
and all (except when it’s not), but it’s not the only show in town. There’s the gothic chills of the H.P. Lovecraft Film Fest, the splatter of the new PDXtreme Fest, the activism of the Eco Film Fest and good old porn at Hump!
A soup kitchen or children’s hospital or a soup hospital is fulfilling and all. But when was the last time they gave you free popcorn or let you watch a movie? Point is, you should volunteer at the soup hospital, but also at the Hollywood. Or at a festival. Because Portland, unlike many cities, has a film scene that’s a community.
See a locally made movie.
Everybody gets conned into watching their neighbor’s shitty documentary—mainly because everybody in Portland has a guilt-tripping neighbor who makes shitty documentaries. That doesn’t count. Go see a movie by a local filmmaker because you actually want to.
Get post-movie happy hour at Blackwell’s.
Want to get surreal? Go to Hollywood’s diviest dive after the Hollywood’s Kung Fu Theater and get happy-hour prices by showing your ticket stub. Then listen to all the adrenalized kung fu fans increasingly slur the names of Wu-Tang members.
Break a cellphone.
I’m not actively recommending that you snatch the cellphone of an asshole who can’t keep it in his pocket for the duration of a movie. I’m just saying that it would be satisfying to every moviegoer who’s sick of being blinded in a theater by what’s essentially a flashlight. Theoretically.
Catch a flick at the Oregon Theater. Wait. No. Don’t go in there. AlSO showinG:
Eddie Murphy was once the greatest comedian in the world. For proof, revisit 1984’s Beverly Hills Cop. Laurelhurst Theater. Jan. 1-7. The new year kicks off with the first of probably 400 runs of 2001: A Space Odyssey, this time in 35 mm. Academy Theater. Jan. 1-7. sEE MoRE ALso showinG AT wEEk.CoM.
Regal Lloyd Center 10 & IMAX
1510 NE Multnomah St. STAR WARS: THE FORCE AWAKENS -- AN IMAX 3D EXPERIENCE Wed-Thu-FriSat-Sun-Mon-Tue 12:30, 3:50, 7:10, 10:30 CONCUSSION Wed-Thu-Fri-Sat-Sun-Mon-Tue 11:45, 3:00, 6:30, 9:35 THE HATEFUL EIGHT Wed-ThuFri-Sat-Sun-Mon-Tue 11:00, 2:50, 6:40, 10:00 DADDY’S HOME Wed-Thu-Fri-Sat-SunMon-Tue 11:40, 2:20, 4:55, 7:30, 10:20 JOY Wed-Thu-FriSat-Sun-Mon-Tue 12:20, 3:30, 7:00, 10:20 POINT BREAK Wed-Thu-Fri-Sat-Sun-MonTue 2:05 POINT BREAK 3D Wed-Thu-Fri-Sat-Sun-Mon-Tue 11:10, 10:50 ALVIN AND THE CHIPMUNKS: THE ROAD CHIP Wed-Thu-Fri-Sat-Sun-Mon-Tue 11:30, 2:10, 4:45, 7:20, 9:55 SISTERS Wed-Thu-Fri-SatSun-Mon-Tue 12:40, 3:40, 6:40, 9:45 STAR WARS: THE FORCE AWAKENS Wed-Thu-FriSat-Sun-Mon-Tue 3:20, 6:40 STAR WARS: THE FORCE AWAKENS 3D Wed-Thu-FriSat-Sun-Mon-Tue 12:00, 10:00 THE BIG SHORT Wed-Thu-FriSat-Sun-Mon-Tue 12:10, 3:20, 6:50, 10:30 SHERLOCK: THE ABOMINABLE BRIDE Tue 7:30
Avalon Theatre & Wunderland
3451 SE Belmont St., 503-238-1617 THE PEANUTS MOVIE Wed Thu-Fri-Sat-Sun-Mon-Tue 1:00, 2:50, 6:50 PAN Wed-Thu-FriSat-Sun-Mon-Tue 4:40 THE MARTIAN Wed-Thu-Fri-SatSun-Mon-Tue 4:30, 7:00, 8:40 HOTEL TRANSYLVANIA 2 Wed-Thu-Fri-Sat-Sun-Mon-Tue 12:50, 2:40
3702 SE Hawthorne Blvd., 503-249-7474 STAR WARS: THE FORCE AWAKENS Wed-Thu-Fri-SatSun-Mon-Tue 11:30, 3:00, 7:00, 10:45
616 NW 21st Ave., 503-223-4515 BROOKLYN Wed-Thu-FriSat-Sun-Mon-Tue 4:15, 6:45, 9:00 JANIS: LITTLE GIRL BLUE Wed-Thu-Fri-Sat-SunMon-Tue 4:30, 6:30 CHI-RAQ Wed-Thu-Fri-Sat-Sun-Mon-Tue 8:45 HITCHCOCK/TRUFFAUT Wed-Thu 1:45, 6:30 NOMA, MY PERFECT STORM Fri-Sat-SunMon-Tue 6:45, 9:00 YOUTH Fri-Sat-Sun-Mon-Tue 3:45
Clinton Street Theater 2522 SE Clinton St., 503-238-8899 DON’T BE AFRAID TO POGO Wed 7:30 NO FILMS SHOWING TODAY Thu-FriTue BRIDGEND Sat-Sun-Mon 7:00 THE ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW Sat 12:00
The Joy Cinema and Pub
11959 SW Paciﬁc Highway, 971-245-6467 THE MARTIAN 3D Wed -Thu 3:00, 8:00 THE PEANUTS MOVIE 3D Wed-Thu 1:00, 6:00
Lake Theater & Cafe
Laurelhurst Theatre & Pub
2735 E Burnside St., 503-232-5511 TRADING PLACES Wed 9:30 THE MARTIAN Wed-Fri-SatSun-Mon-Tue 6:45, 9:00 THE NIGHT BEFORE Wed 9:45 CRIMSON PEAK Wed-FriSat-Sun-Mon-Tue 9:30 MERU Wed-Fri-Sat-Sun-Mon-Tue 7:15 SICARIO Wed-Fri-Sat-Sun-
503-249-7474 THE MARTIAN Wed-FriSat-Sun-Mon-Tue 2:15, 8:00 THE PEANUTS MOVIE Wed-Fri-Sat-Sun-Mon-Tue 5:30 SCROOGED Wed 12:00 HOTEL TRANSYLVANIA 2 SatSun 12:00
Empirical Theatre at OMSI
1945 SE Water Ave., 503-797-4000 WALKING WITH DINOSAURS 3D Wed-Thu-Fri-Sat-Sun-Tue 1:00 JOURNEY TO SPACE Wed-Thu-Fri-Sat-Sun-Tue 2:00 SECRET OCEAN Wed-ThuFri-Sat-Sun-Tue 11:00, 3:00 WILD AFRICA 3D Wed-Thu-
10:00 SPECTRE Wed-Thu-FriSat-Sun-Mon-Tue 11:20, 2:40, 9:50 SPOTLIGHT Wed-Thu-FriSat-Sun-Mon-Tue 11:40, 3:20, 6:40, 9:30 SHERLOCK: THE ABOMINABLE BRIDE Tue 7:30
Regal Pioneer Place Stadium 6
340 SW Morrison St. DADDY’S HOME Wed -Thu 11:50, 2:30, 5:15, 8:15, 10:45 POINT BREAK Wed -Thu 1:30, 7:45 POINT BREAK 3D Wed-Thu 10:30, 4:30, 10:40 ALVIN AND THE CHIPMUNKS: THE ROAD CHIP Wed -Thu 11:40, 2:15, 4:50, 7:30, 10:15 STAR WARS: THE FORCE AWAKENS Wed-Thu-FriSat-Sun 3:50, 7:10, 10:00 STAR WARS: THE FORCE AWAKENS 3D Wed-Thu-FriSat-Sun 12:00, 12:30, 3:20, 6:40, 10:30
St. Johns Theater
8203 N Ivanhoe St., 503-249-7474-6 DADDY’S HOME Wed-Thu-FriSat-Sun-Mon-Tue 1:00, 4:00, 7:00, 9:45 Mon-Tue 9:15 THE INTERN Wed-Fri-Sat-Sun-Mon-Tue 7:00 THE PEANUTS MOVIE Wed-Fri-Sat-Sun 1:30, 4:30 BEVERLY HILLS COP Fri-SatSun-Mon-Tue 9:40 ROOM FriSat-Sun-Mon-Tue 6:30
Milwaukie Cinema & Wunderland
11011 SE Main St., 503-653-2222 ALVIN AND THE CHIPMUNKS: THE ROAD CHIP Wed-Thu-FriSat-Sun-Mon-Tue 12:30, 2:30, 4:30, 6:30, 8:30 STAR WARS: THE FORCE AWAKENS Wed Thu-Fri-Sat-Sun-Mon-Tue 1:30, 7:00 STAR WARS: THE FORCE AWAKENS 3D Wed Thu-Fri-Sat-Sun-Mon-Tue 4:15
Mission Theater and Pub
1624 NW Glisan St. JUMANJI Wed 5:30 GOODFELLAS Wed 8:00 OCEAN’S ELEVEN Wed 2:30 BONED Sat 6:30, 9:00
Mt. Hood Theatre
401 E Powell Blvd., 503-665-0604 THE PEANUTS MOVIE Wed Thu-Fri-Sat-Sun-Mon-Tue 5:00 SPECTRE Wed-Thu-FriSat-Sun-Mon-Tue 7:00 THE MARTIAN Wed-Thu-Fri-SatSun-Mon-Tue 9:55
7229 NE Sandy Blvd., 503-282-2898 STAR WARS: THE FORCE AWAKENS 3D Wed-ThuFri-Sat-Tue 1:00, 4:30, 8:00 STAR WARS: THE FORCE AWAKENS Sun-Mon 1:00, 4:30, 8:00
St. Johns Cinemas
8704 N Lombard St., 503-286-1768 STAR WARS: THE FORCE AWAKENS Wed-Thu 3:50, 7:00, 10:05 THE HATEFUL EIGHT Wed-Thu 4:00, 7:55
Kennedy School Theater 5736 NE$ 33rd Ave.,
510 SW Hall St., 503-725-3551 NO FILMS SHOWING TODAY Wed-Thu-Fri-Sat-Sun-Mon-Tue
7818 SE Stark St., 503-252-0500 THE NIGHT BEFORE Wed-Thu-Fri-Sat-Sun-MonTue 12:05, 5:10, 9:50 THE PEANUTS MOVIE Wed-ThuFri-Sat-Sun-Mon-Tue 11:35, 1:40, 4:55 ROOM Wed-Thu-FriSat-Sun-Mon-Tue 2:25, 7:20 THE MARTIAN Wed-Thu-FriSat-Sun-Mon-Tue 2:15, 6:45, 9:30 THE INTERN Wed-ThuFri-Sat-Sun-Mon-Tue 11:50, 7:00 INDIANA JONES AND THE LAST CRUSADE Wed -Thu 11:35, 4:05 SICARIO Wed 9:30 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY FriSat-Sun-Mon-Tue 3:45, 9:40
Fri-Sat-Sun-Tue 12:00 FLIGHT OF THE BUTTERFLIES 3D Wed-Thu-Fri-Sat-Sun 10:00 THE PEANUTS MOVIE Wed Thu-Sat 5:00 THE MARTIAN 3D Wed-Thu-Fri-Sat-Sun-Tue 6:45 GREAT WHITE SHARK Wed-Thu-Fri 5:00 THE GOOD DINOSAUR Fri-Sun-Tue 5:00 U2 3D Fri 10:30 THE GOOD DINOSAUR 3D Sat 6:45 ANTARCTICA: ON THE EDGE Tue 4:00
5th Avenue Cinema
1911 Paciﬁc Ave., 503-844-8732 THE GOOD DINOSAUR Wed Thu 2:20, 4:40 THE HUNGER GAMES: MOCKINGJAY, PART 2 Wed-Thu 7:00, 9:50 ALVIN AND THE CHIPMUNKS: THE ROAD CHIP Fri-Sat-Sun-MonTue 7:00
4122 NE Sandy Blvd., 503-281-4215 THE HATEFUL EIGHT Wed Thu-Fri-Sat-Sun-Mon-Tue 7:30 JOY Wed-Thu-Fri-SatSun-Mon-Tue 7:00, 9:30 SPOTLIGHT Wed-Thu 2:30, 6:30 CAROL Fri-Sat-Sun-MonTue 6:30, 9:00
Regal Fox Tower Stadium 10
846 SW Park Ave. THE HATEFUL EIGHT Wed Thu-Fri-Sat-Sun-Mon-Tue 11:00, 12:00, 2:40, 3:40, 6:15, 7:30, 9:45 CONCUSSION Wed Thu-Fri-Sat-Sun-Mon-Tue 12:15, 3:30, 7:00, 9:45 JOY Wed Thu-Fri-Sat-Sun-Mon-Tue 11:30, 12:30, 3:00, 4:00, 6:10, 7:10, 9:00, 10:00 SISTERS Wed Thu-Fri-Sat-Sun-Mon-Tue 12:20, 4:10, 6:50, 9:30 THE DANISH GIRL Wed-Thu-FriSat-Sun-Mon-Tue 11:50, 3:00, 6:30, 9:20 THE HUNGER GAMES: MOCKINGJAY, PART 2 Wed-Thu 2:45, 9:15 CAROL Wed-Thu-Fri-Sat-Sun-MonTue 11:00, 1:40, 4:30, 7:20,
9360 SW Beaverton-Hillsdale Highway, 503-296-6843 THE MARTIAN Wed-Thu-FriSat-Sun-Mon-Tue 6:20, 9:15 THE PEANUTS MOVIE Wed Thu-Fri-Sat-Sun 12:15, 4:40 THE INTERN Wed-Thu-FriSat-Sun-Mon-Tue 6:35 INSIDE OUT Wed-Thu-Fri-Sat-Sun 2:00, 4:25 MAZE RUNNER: THE SCORCH TRIALS Wed Thu-Fri-Sat-Sun-Mon-Tue 6:50 CRIMSON PEAK Wed-ThuFri-Sat-Sun-Mon-Tue 9:30 EVEREST Wed-Thu-Fri-SatSun-Mon-Tue 9:00 HOTEL TRANSYLVANIA 2 Fri-Sat-Sun 12:00, 1:25
Living Room Theaters
341 SW 10th Ave., 971-222-2010 BRIDGE OF SPIES Wed -Thu 1:00, 4:00, 6:50 MACBETH Wed-Thu 12:00, 2:30, 4:10, 6:40 MUSTANG Wed -Thu 11:50, 1:45, 5:00, 7:15 PEGGY GUGGENHEIM: ART ADDICT Wed-Thu 11:45, 2:00, 6:20 THE BIG SHORT Wed-Thu 12:15, 1:30, 3:30, 3:45, 4:20, 6:30, 7:00 SUBJECT TO CHANGE. CALL THEATERS OR VISIT WWEEK.COM/MOVIETIMES FOR THE MOST UP-TO-DATE INFORMATION FRIDAY-THURSDAY, JAN. 1-7, UNLESS OTHERWISE INDICATED
C O U R T E S Y O F M E T R O - G O L D W Y N - M AY E R
106 N State St., 503-482-2135
STAR WARS: THE FORCE AWAKENS Wed-Thu-Fri-SatSun-Mon-Tue 12:00, 3:00, 6:00, 9:00 THE SANDLOT Wed-ThuFri-Sat-Sun 1:00 BRIDGE OF SPIES Wed-Thu-Fri-Sun-MonTue 1:00, 4:00, 7:00
SKULL AND BONES: 2001: A Space Odyssey screens Jan. 1-7 at the Academy Theater.
Star Wars: Episode VII - The Force Awakens (XD-3D) (PG-13) 12:20PM 3:40PM 7:00PM 10:20PM Star Wars: Episode VII - The Force Awakens (3D) (PG13) 9:55AM 9:55AM ® 11:05AM 1:15PM 1:15PM ® 2:25PM 4:35PM 4:35PM ® 5:45PM 8:00PM 8:00PM ® 9:05PM Star Wars: Episode VII - The Force Awakens (PG-13) 10:30AM 11:40AM 1:50PM 3:00PM 5:10PM 6:20PM 8:30PM 9:40PM Star Wars: Episode VII - The Force Awakens (PG-13) 11:40AM ® 3:00PM ® 6:20PM ® 9:40PM ® Point Break (2015) (3D) (PG-13) 10:15AM 4:45PM 10:15PM Point Break (2015) (PG-13) 1:15PM 7:20PM Night Before, The (R) 9:10PM Sisters (R) 10:40AM 12:10PM 1:40PM 3:10PM 4:40PM 6:10PM 7:40PM 9:15PM 10:40PM Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 2, The (PG-13) 12:30PM 3:45PM 7:05PM 10:25PM
Big Short, The (R) 10:05AM 1:10PM 4:20PM 7:30PM 10:40PM Concussion (PG-13) 10:35AM 12:05PM 1:35PM 3:05PM 4:35PM 6:05PM 7:35PM 10:35PM Joy (PG-13) 10:10AM 11:50AM 1:20PM 2:50PM 4:25PM 5:55PM 7:25PM 8:55PM 10:25PM Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Road Chip (PG) 9:55AM 12:25PM 2:55PM 5:30PM 8:00PM 10:30PM Good Dinosaur, The (PG) 11:10AM 1:55PM 4:30PM 7:10PM Hateful Eight, The (R) 10:25AM 12:30PM 2:20PM 4:20PM 6:15PM 8:10PM 10:05PM Creed (PG-13) 10:00PM Daddy’s Home (PG-13) 10:20AM 11:45AM 1:05PM 2:30PM 3:50PM 5:05PM 6:30PM 7:50PM 9:20PM 10:35PM
Star Wars: Episode VII - The Force Awakens (3D) (PG-13) 10:00AM 11:40AM 1:10PM 2:50PM 4:30PM 6:10PM 7:50PM 9:30PM Star Wars: Episode VII - The Force Awakens (PG-13) 11:00AM 12:20PM 2:15PM 3:40PM 5:30PM 7:00PM 8:45PM 10:15PM Joy (PG-13) 10:00AM 1:00PM 4:00PM 7:00PM 10:00PM Nenu Sailaja (iDream Media) (NR) 8:00PM Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 2, The (PG-13) 12:30PM 3:35PM 6:40PM Sisters (R) 11:10AM 2:00PM 4:50PM 7:40PM 10:30PM Point Break (2015) (3D) (PG-13) 11:00AM 10:15PM Point Break (2015) (PG-13) 1:45PM 4:15PM 7:30PM Good Dinosaur, The (PG) 11:00AM 1:30PM 4:00PM
Bajirao Mastani (Eros International) (NR) 9:45PM Big Short, The (R) 10:20AM 1:20PM 4:20PM 7:20PM 10:20PM Hateful Eight, The (R) 11:00AM 2:40PM 6:20PM 8:00PM 10:00PM Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Road Chip (PG) 10:00AM 12:25PM 2:50PM 5:15PM 7:40PM 10:05PM Creed (PG-13) 10:00AM 1:05PM 4:10PM Daddy’s Home (PG-13) 10:00AM 11:15AM 12:30PM 1:45PM 3:00PM 4:15PM 5:30PM 8:00PM 10:30PM Brooklyn (PG-13) 6:30PM 9:15PM Concussion (PG-13) 10:00AM 1:00PM 4:00PM 7:00PM 10:00PM
Star Wars: Episode VII - The Force Awakens (3D) (PG-13) 10:10AM 11:50AM 1:30PM 3:10PM 4:50PM 6:30PM 8:10PM 9:50PM Joy (PG-13) 10:15AM 11:20AM 1:15PM 2:35PM 4:25PM 5:45PM 7:30PM 9:00PM Krampus (PG-13) 10:35PM Star Wars: Episode VII - The Force Awakens (PG-13) 11:00AM 12:40PM 2:20PM 4:00PM 5:40PM 7:20PM 9:00PM 10:40PM Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 2, The (PG-13) 10:15AM 1:20PM 4:25PM 7:30PM Sisters (R) 11:10AM 2:05PM 5:00PM 7:55PM 10:45PM Point Break (2015) (3D) (PG-13) 10:45AM 4:30PM 10:20PM Point Break (2015) (PG-13) 1:35PM 7:25PM
Big Short, The (R) 10:45AM 1:45PM 4:45PM 7:45PM 10:45PM Concussion (PG-13) 10:55AM 1:55PM 4:50PM 7:45PM 10:40PM Himalayas, The (CJ Entertainment) (NR) 1:30PM 4:20PM 7:15PM 10:10PM Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Road Chip (PG) 12:15PM 2:40PM 5:05PM 7:35PM 10:05PM Good Dinosaur, The (PG) 10:50AM Hateful Eight, The (R) 11:00AM 2:40PM 6:20PM 10:00PM Creed (PG-13) 10:35PM Daddy’s Home (PG-13) 10:20AM 11:45AM 1:00PM 2:15PM 3:30PM 4:45PM 6:00PM 7:15PM 8:30PM 9:45PM
FRIDAY Willamette Week DECEMBER 30, 2015 wweek.com
Be It Resolved SIX RESOLUTIONS FOR THE CANNABIS COMMUNITY IN THE NEW YEAR. BY TYLER HU R ST
The year to come is integral to the future of cannabis in the Beaver State. While this past year saw the debut of the recreational market, we know the state isn’t done tinkering—how could it be when it’s not even collecting taxes yet? What does the cannabis industry need to do to see that 2016 is successful for it? Oﬀer plans, not complaints. Cannabis industry lobbyist Sam Chapman cringes a bit when asked about current cannabis reform efforts, which usually involve emailing legislators and giving public testimony. While useful, that kind of action can’t accomplish much, unless you have your own plan to counter with—lawmakers, it seems, hate having to craft the rules themselves, and would prefer to sign off on something already written. Chapman drafts briefs backed by a few hundred carefully researched words explaining requests. Show up in person, or organize so that someone does. Many of the “problems” now facing the cannabis community—especially the amended Indoor Clean Air Act, which would heavily fine cannabis lounge owners—could have been nipped in the bud in July had more voices been heard in defiance of the overarching new rules, according to attorney Leland R. Berger. With Anthony Johnson, co-architect of Measure 91, as the only full-time cannabis industry voice in Salem, it’s impossible to attend every session and refute every point. Now, activists like Lindsey Rinehart are helping organize rotating carpools to ensure consistent voices in Salem. Don’t get stuck in a medical-vs.-recreational debate. Tempers flared a couple weeks ago, when longtime medical grower Erin Purchase closed up her Grow Mama project, citing restrictive new 44
Willamette Week DECEMBER 30, 2015 wweek.com
rules and high fees. Activist Brandon Krenzler, Purchase’s husband, called out public cannabis figures, starting with radio host Russ Belville, asking what they were doing to “protect” Oregon’s medicinal cannabis industry. Belville, who is dealing with some family issues, lashed back. Belville’s overall goal to end cannabis-related arrests isn’t any less valid than Purchase’s desire to continue to treat her patients, nor are they mutually exclusive. Oregon lawmakers are far more of a threat to proper cannabis legalization than responsible users. Normalize. The biggest obstacle to cannabis legalization is that many, many people just aren’t familiar with the plant, or its users. While cannabis lounges are ideal places for imbibing with friends, they’re currently under threat. They must be saved, because responsible use with friends is the best way to show naysayers there’s nothing to worry about. Besides, stiletto stoners sipping on vape pens next to bearded dabtenders couldn’t be any more New Portland, could it? Put money behind friendly pols. Like it or not, the almighty dollar is going to be the driving force behind state and nationwide legalization. Tax, tourism and permit revenues add up quickly here in Oregon, where nary a day goes by that we’re not reminded about our aging infrastructure and underfunded schools. But to access that future treasure, money must be spent on what it will take to get us there, including—according to New Approach Oregon’s Anthony Johnson—political donations to cannabis-friendly lawmakers like Ann Lininger, Floyd Prozanski, Peter Buckley and Ken Helm. Start a cannabis bank. Anyone have a few billion dollars, a safe room, 24/7 security and know how to connect to the global financial network? This would be a game changer because these institutions are closed to cannabis businesses by federal law, which makes doing business a lot harder for our local industry.
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Week of December 31
ARIES (March 21-April 19) John Koenig is an artist who invents new words. Here’s one that’s applicable to your journey in 2016: “keyframe.” Koenig defines it as being a seemingly mundane phase of your life that is in fact a turning point. Major plot twists in your big story arrive half-hidden amidst a stream of innocuous events. They don’t come about through “a series of jolting epiphanies,” Koenig says, but rather “by tiny imperceptible differences between one ordinary day and the next.” In revealing this secret, I hope I’ve alerted you to the importance of acting with maximum integrity and excellence in your everyday routine. TAURUS (April 20-May 20) The coming months look like one of the best times ever for your love life. Old romantic wounds are finally ready to be healed. You’ll know what you have to do to shed tired traditions and bad habits that have limited your ability to get the spicy sweetness you deserve. Are you up for the fun challenge? Be horny for deep feelings. Be exuberantly aggressive in honoring your primal yearnings. Use your imagination to dream up new approaches to getting what you want. The innovations in intimacy that you initiate in the coming months will keep bringing you gifts and teachings for years to come. GEMINI (May 21-June 20) In ancient times, observers of the sky knew the difference between stars and planets. The stars remained fixed in their places. The planets wandered around, always shifting positions in relationship to the stars. But now and then, at irregular intervals, a very bright star would suddenly materialize out of nowhere, stay in the same place for a while, and then disappear. Chinese astronomers called these “guest stars.” We refer to them as supernovae. They are previously dim or invisible stars that explode, releasing tremendous energy for a short time. I suspect that in 2016, you may experience the metaphorical equivalent of a guest star. Learn all you can from it. It’ll provide teachings and blessings that could feed you for years. CANCER (June 21-July 22 Be alert for an abundance of interesting lessons in 2016. You will be offered teachings about a variety of practical subjects, including how to take care of yourself really well, how to live the life you want to live, and how to build the connections that serve your dreams. If you are even moderately responsive to the prompts and nudges that come your way, you will become smarter than you thought possible. So just imagine how savvy you’ll be if you ardently embrace your educational opportunities. (Please note that some of these opportunities may be partially in disguise.) LEO (July 23-Aug. 22) The silkworm grows fast. Once it hatches, it eats constantly for three weeks. By the time it spins its cocoon, it’s 10,000 times heavier than it was in the beginning. On the other hand, a mature, 60-foot-tall saguaro cactus may take 30 years to fully grow a new side arm. It’s in no hurry. From what I can tell, Leo, 2015 was more like a silkworm year for you, whereas 2016 will more closely resemble a saguaro. Keep in mind that while the saguaro phase is different from your silkworm time, it’s just as important. VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) “The sky calls me,” wrote Virgo teacher and poet Sri Chinmoy. “The wind calls me. The moon and stars call me. The dense groves call me. The dance of the fountain calls me. Smiles call me, tears call me. A faint melody calls me. The morn, noon and eve call me. Everyone is searching for a playmate. Everyone is calling me, ‘Come, come!’” In 2016, Virgo, I suspect you will have a lot of firsthand experience with feelings like these. Sometimes life’s seductiveness may overwhelm you, activating confused desires to go everywhere and do everything. On other occasions, you will be enchanted by the lush invitations, and will know exactly how to respond and reciprocate. LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) In the 19th century, horses were a primary mode of personal transportation. Some people rode them, and others sat in carriages and wagons that horses pulled. But as cities grew larger, a problem emerged: the mounting manure left behind on the roads. It became an ever-in-
creasing challenge to clear away the equine “pollution.” In 1894, a British newspaper predicted that the streets of London would be covered with nine feet of the stuff by 1950. But then something unexpected happened: cars. Gradually, the threat of an excremental apocalypse waned. I present this story as an example of what I expect for you in 2016: a pressing dilemma that will gradually dissolve because of the arrival of a factor you can’t imagine yet. SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) The longest river in the world flows through eastern Africa: the Nile. It originates below the equator and empties into the Mediterranean Sea. Although its current flows north, its prevailing winds blow south. That’s why sailors have found it easily navigable for thousands of years. They can either go with the flow of the water or use sails to harness the power of the breeze. I propose that we make the Nile your official metaphor in 2016, Scorpio. You need versatile resources that enable you to come and go as you please -- that are flexible in supporting your efforts to go where you want and when you want. SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) In many cases, steel isn’t fully useful if it’s too hard. Manufacturers often have to soften it a bit. This process, which is called tempering, makes the steel springier and more malleable. Car parts, for example, can’t be too rigid. If they were, they’d break too easily. I invite you to use “tempering” as one of your main metaphors in 2016, Sagittarius. You’re going to be strong and vigorous, and those qualities will serve you best if you keep them flexible. Do you know the word “ductile”? If not, look it up. It’ll be a word of power for you. CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) In his essay “The Etiquette of Freedom,” poet Gary Snyder says that wildness “is perennially within us, dormant as a hard-shelled seed, awaiting the fire or flood that awakes it again.” The fact that it’s a “hardshelled” seed is a crucial detail. The vital stuff inside the stiff outer coating may not be able to break out and start growing without the help of a ruckus. A fire or flood? They might do the job. But I propose, Capricorn, that in 2016 you find an equally vigorous but less disruptive prod to liberate your dormant wildness. Like what? You could embark on a brave pilgrimage or quest. You could dare yourself to escape your comfort zone. Are there any undomesticated fantasies you’ve been suppressing? Unsuppress them! AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) Frederick the Great was King of Prussia between 1740 and 1786. He was also an Aquarius who sometimes experimented with eccentric ideas. When he brewed his coffee, for example, he used champagne instead of water. Once the hot elixir was ready to drink, he mixed in a dash of powdered mustard. In light of the astrological omens, I suspect that Frederick’s exotic blend might be an apt symbol for your life in 2016: a vigorous, rich, complex synthesis of champagne, coffee, and mustard. (P.S. Frederick testified that “champagne carries happiness to the brain.”) PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20) My Piscean acquaintance Arturo plays the piano as well as anyone I’ve heard. He tells me that he can produce 150 different sounds from any single key. Using the foot pedals accounts for some of the variation. How he touches a key is an even more important factor. It can be percussive, fluidic, staccato, relaxed, lively, and many other moods. I invite you to cultivate a similar approach to your unique skills in 2016. Expand and deepen your ability to draw out the best in them. Learn how to be even more expressive with the powers you already possess.
Homework If you’d like to enjoy my books, music, and videos without spending any money, go here: http://bit.ly/LiberatedGifts.
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