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September 2009 In This Issue:

Doc Love

Relationship Breaks

Ty

Wild News

Jailed for yawning Too hairy for love Eternity on top of Marilyn Fat inmate hid gun in his flab

Club

IM PE R I A L

Plus

Horoscopes Dirty Jokes ClassiďŹ eds and More! WILDTIMESONLINE.COM

September 2009 / PAGE 1


The First Amendment: Congress shall make no law restricting an establishment or religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; of the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievance.

In This Issue: September 2009 • Volume 11 Issue 9

7

Cover Girl

News

12

Cartoons

29

Midwest’s’Nightlife Entertainment Guide!

In This Issue: Quotes . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 4

FREE! ADULTS ONLY

Horoscopes . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 4

WILDTIMESONLINE.COM

September 2009 In This Issue:

Doc Love

Relationship Breaks

Cover Girl . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 6

Ty

Wild News

Jailed for yawning Too hairy for love Eternity on top of Marilyn Fat inmate hid gun in his flab

Directory . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 14

Club

Ask Dr Dick . . . . . . . . . . . . . 18

IMPERIAL

Plus

Horoscopes Dirty Jokes Classifieds and More!

Doc Love . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 20

September 2009

Jokes . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 22 News & Views . . . . . . . . . . . 25

9648 Olive Blvd. Suite 400 St. Louis, MO 63132 (314) 429-4531

Guys Advice . . . . . . . . . . . . . 26 Cartoons . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 29 Classified Ads . . . . . . . . . . . 30

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Check Us Out Online!!!

http://www.Myspace.com/ WildTimesMagazine http://twitter.com/WildTimesonline http://WildTimesOnline.com The Wild Times Volume 11, Issue 9 © Copyright 2009 by Jim Lilley Inc, all rights reserved. Publisher disclaims all responsibility to return unsolicited graphic and editorial material, and all rights in portions published vest in publisher. Letters to The Wild Times magazine or its editors are assumed intended for publication in whole or in part, and may therefore be used for such purposes. Letters become the property of The Wild Times. Nothing may be reproduced in whole or in part without written permission from the publisher. The Wild Times will accept advertising from anyone over the age of 18, as long as the product or service advertised is legal and that the ads in question are not used for any other purpose not stated therein. Advertisements may be rejected by the publisher or agents of this publication if there is any doubt as to the age of the advertiser or the purpose of the ad. Any similarity between persons or places mentioned in the fiction or semi-fiction, and real places or persons living or dead, is coincidental. Publisher assumes no financial responsibility for errors in ads beyond the cost of space occupied by error: a correction will be printed. Nor is the publisher liable for: any slander of an individual, business or group as we mean no malice or individual criticism at any time; any promises, coupons or lack of fulfillment from advertisers who are solely responsible for content of their ads. Publisher is also to be held harmless from: failure to produce any issue as scheduled due to reasons beyond their control: all suits, claims or loss of expenses; this includes, but is not limited to, suits for label, plagiarism, copyright infringement and unauthorized use of a person’s name or photograph. Annual subscription price is 12 issues for $25.00. Single Copies $5.00. Subscription or advertising inquires call (314) 429-4531. Send address changes to: The Wild Times, 9648 Olive Blvd. #400, St. Louis, Mo 63132. Wild Times is not responsible for the content of ads. Due to the element of human error, Indoor Advertising is not responsible for errors made. All nude models are 18 years of age or older. Model releases and proof of age are on file with Photo Editor. Publisher does not promote excessive consumption of alcoholic beverages. This literature is not for minors, and under no circumstances are they to view it, possess it, or place orders for merchandise or services offered herein.

PAGE 2 / September 2009

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18+ To Enter - Open 7 Days aSeptember Week 2009 / PAGE 3


What’s in the Stars?

Horoscopes

Capricorn DEC. 22- JAN. 19 You’ve been longing for a true soul mate, and the moon is increasing your tendency to mope. Don’t panic. Just because you’re not with the love of your life right now doesn’t mean that you won’t be someday. Be patient.

Aquarius JAN. 20-FEB. 18 Jupiter is turning you into a total flake. You can barely remember to keep a date, much less remember to call the person the next morning. It’s not that you don’t care, it’s just that your mind is someplace else right now. Be honest about this.

Quotes

of the Month

Quote No. 1 ‘A vasectomy means never having to say you’re sorry.’ -- Anonymous Quote No. 2 ‘It’s a recession when your neighbour loses his job: it’s a depression when you lose yours.’ -- Harry S. Truman Quote No. 3 ‘I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint...a Saint Bernard! -- Rodney Dangerfield Quote No. 4 ‘Make crime pay - become a lawyer. -- Will Rogers Quote No. 5 ‘Girls are like pianos. When they’re not upright, they’re grand. -- Benny Hill

PAGE 4 / September 2009

Pisces FEB. 19-MARCH 20 You’re in danger of remaining “stuck.” Don’t do the same things over and over again. Uranus is urging you to get crazy. Think experimental, creative and wild. Introduce some funky behaviors into the mix as you explore your latest romance. Aries MARCH 21-APRIL 19 You’re considering a mad affair. If you’re single, you could be crushing on a married co-worker. If you have your own spouse, you might be thinking about some sexual exploration outside your relationship. Mars is kicking up your sex drive into high gear. Taurus APRIL 20-MAY 20 As an Earth sign, you find money tremendously sexy. Saturn is reminding you that it’s much easier to fall in love with someone who has money than to fall for someone who’s broke. Dollar signs could be blinding you, though, so be careful.

Gemini MAY 21-JUNE 21 A flirty new moon is enhancing your sex drive. You’ll make naughty proposals to total strangers and tweet your Twitter followers with updates about your sensual encounters. After all, what good is sex if you can’t brag about it afterward?

Cancer JUNE 22-JULY 22 It’s time to get real. A practical sun is showing you that you need to face the truth. If your looks are so bad that you frighten small children, you’re never going to date a supermodel. Don’t aim so high that you keep disappointing yourself.

Leo JULY 23-AUG. 22 You always were a drama queen, but now you’re a drama queen to the max. The moon is increasing your addiction to chaos and craziness. Before you have an emotional breakdown, consider chilling out. It’s nothing that a few martinis and a trip to a spa can’t fix. Virgo AUG. 23-SEPT. 22 A moon opposition is reminding you about your partner’s imperfections. Instead of obsessing about your honey’s flaws, maybe you should focus on fixing your own. Turn that passion for improvement inward, and you’ll get better results. Libra SEPT. 23-OCT. 23 A playful sun is putting you in major flirtation mode. You’re not ready for anything serious. You just want to have fun. Don’t underestimate your powers of attraction. If you’re not careful, someone you have just a casual interest in could fall for you, big time. Scorpio OCT. 24-NOV. 21 You need to talk things over with someone before you get into too much trouble. The moon is turning up the weirdness factor, and a relationship is headed for Bizarro World. Call up a friend who understands your situation or pay a visit to your therapist. Sagittarius NOV. 22-DEC. 21 Three fiery planets are turning you into a sexual dynamo. You’ll stage three seductions in one night or flirt your socks off with 10 people at a party. You need attention, and you need it now. The last thing you’ll do is go home alone. Company is required. TO ADVERTISE CALL (314) 429-4531


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Ty

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Photography : Jim Lilley • wildtimesonline.com PAGE 6 / September 2009

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September 2009 / PAGE 7


January 2009

Cover Girl

PAGE 8 / September 2009

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September 2009 / PAGE 9


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Index of Advertisers

Directory After Dark 14010 Hopewell Dr. Dixon, MO 573-336-7612

CJ’s Gift Center 1806 N. Hwy 63 Rolla, MO 573-368-4898

Eclypse Gentleman’s Club 11753 N Hwy 5 Sunrise Beach, MO 573-374-8338

Miss Kitty’s 5200 Bunkum Rd. Washington Park, IL 618-875-MISS

Soft Touch 4491 St. Clair Washington Park, IL 618-874-0355

Attic Lounge 8401 E. Truman Road Kansas City, MO 816-252-3370

Cheap Trx 3211 South Grand St. Louis, MO 314-664-4011

Erotic City 8401 E. Truman Rd. Kansas City, MO 816-252-3370

New Release Video 2430 S. Hwy 94. St. Charles, MO 636-939-9070

S & L Rub Company 1 block off Rt 3 Brooklynn, IL 618-271-9264

Bargain Books Downtown 1215 Convention Plaza St. Louis, MO 314-588-0309

Cheeks 2221 N. Kingshighway Washington Park, IL 618-874-1111

Godfrey Book Store 5735 Godfrey Rd. Godfrey, IL 618-466-0203

Patricia’s 3552 Gravois Rd. St. Louis, MO 314-664-4040

Spanky’s Video 3419 N. Lindbergh Blvd. Bridgeton, MO 314-344-0016

Bargain Books North 3010 N. Hwy 94 St. Charles, MO 636-723-2152

Club Imperial 4328 Jeffco Blvd. Imperial, MO 314-464-6770

Hustler Club - St. Louis 5420 Bunkum Road Washington Park, IL 618-874-9334

Pleasure Zone 11550 Dillion Outer Rd. Rolla, MO 573-308-1300

Spanky’s Gifts 3405 N. Lindbergh Blvd. Bridgeton, MO 314-209-7779

Bazooka’s Showgirls 1717 Main St. Kansas City, MO 816-421-1915

Club Vogue 912 Business Loop 70 E. Columbia, MO 573-442-7491

Hustler Hollywood 9802 Natural Bridge Road Berkeley, MO 314-428-5069

Patricia’s - Springfield, MO 1918 South Glenstone Springfield, MO 417-881-8444

Spanky’s South 1123 Gravois Fenton, MO 636-326-7566

Big Al’s 519 Main Street Peoria, IL 309-673-9893

Colony Theatre 4500 Forest Blvd. Washington Park, IL 618-874-9621

J’s Boutique I-44 @ Exit 240 St. Clair, MO 636-629-3116

Patricia’s Overland 10210 Page Ave. Overland, MO 314-423-8422

The End Zone 17510 South 169 Hwy Spring Hill, KS 913-592-5060

Big Louie’s 14400 Highway Z St. Roberts, MO 573-336-8783

Deja Vu 3220 Lake Plaza Springfield, IL 217-529-1467

Johnny Vegas Boutique 1320 E. Broadway. Alton, IL 618-462-7929

Patricia’s Springfield, IL 805 South Dirksen Pkwy. Springfield, IL 217-525-1100

Thunder Road 52 St. Clair Ave. East St. Louis, IL 618-875-0221

Bobbie’s Books 6549 Highway 61/67 Imperial, MO 636-461-1123

Doctor John’s Bridgeton 11431 St. Charles Rock Rd. Bridgeton, MO 314-291-5997

Johnnie O’s Boutique 11730 W. Florissant Florissant, MO 314-830-1395

Patricia’s TLC St. Peters 1034 Venture Dr. St. Peters, MO 636-928-2144

The Strand Video 3544 Troost Ave. Kansas City, MO 816-931-6452

Bocomo Bay 1122-A Wilkes Blvd. Columbia, MO 573-443-0873

Doctor John’s Farmington 4324 US Hwy 67 Farmington, MO 573-701-9400

Johnnie O’s Boutique 504 Old Gravois Rd. Fenton, MO 636-326-2933

Stephanie’s Cabaret 2306 Business Loop 70 E. Columbia, MO 573-817-1877

Trop 56 266 W. Hwy 56 Scranton, MO 785-793-2531

Bottoms Up Nightclub 307 Jefferson Street Brooklyn, IL 618-271-7502

Doctor John’s Fenton 645 Gravois Rd Fenton, MO 636-343-5100

Lion Den Waynesville 25965 Hwy 17 Waynesville, MO 573-774-9957

Rhonda’s Place 10526 Page Ave. St. Louis, MO 314-423-0633

V.I.P - Mid Rivers 366 Mid Rivers Mall Drive St. Peters, MO 636-278-6977

Boxers ‘n Briefs 55 Four Corners Lane Centreville, IL 618-332-6141

Doctor John’s The Landing 20 Morgan Street St. Louis, MO 314-588-1800

Lion’s Den RR1 Box 163 Hwy J Nelson, MO 660-859-2741

Rodao Drive 10900 St. Charles Rock Rd. St. Ann, MO 314-344-0470

V.I.P - Westport 79 Weldon Parkway Maryland Heights, MO 314-567-1444

City Nights 1100 S. 8th Street Sauget, IL 618-875-1111

Dollies 6210 Forest Blvd. Washington Park, IL 618-271-4257

LJ’s Smokeshop 708 Lincoln Hwy Fairview Heights, IL 618-622-0668

Rodao Drive South 3630 Jeffco Blvd Arnold, MO 636-464-0216

V.I.P Oriental Spa Centreville, IL 618-332-7409

C-Mowes Show Club 2107 Kingshighway Washington Park, IL 618-271-6924

Earth Angelz 24 Twiggy Lane Eldon, MO 573-392-0999

Maximus Video 1084 Gravois Fenton, MO 636-349-5295

Secret Desires 3615 N. Lindbergh Blvd. Bridgton, MO 314-770-0027

Wise Guys 2226 N. Kingshighway Washington Park, IL 618-874-3474

Make sure your business is listed in our directory Call 314.429.4531

Don’t Screw Yourself! PAGE 14 / September 2009

TO ADVERTISE CALL (314) 429-4531


East Alton 94

100

West Alton

Wood River 143

67

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111

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Florissant

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Hazelwood 26A 22B

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Edwardsville

Black Jack

Dellwood

Glasgow Village

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St. Ann

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MOVIES • MAGAZINES • NOVELTIES • LINGERIE

Olivette

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Madison Venice

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Creve Coeur

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Go Ahead...

Ask Dr Dick

What’s with guys and their What part do guys find more fascination with Lesbians? attractive: boobs or butts? Q: Q: -- Fed Up With Pigs -- Curious Georgia women touching Depends on which they can get each other intimately... duh! their hands on first. Actually, A:Hello...naked A: every guy is different. Some are

Q:

If you have developed a strong relationship over the computer and the man loves your personality... how much do looks matter? -- P. Gregg

That’s a big if. The chances of my developing a strong A: relationship over the computer with

a man I’ve never met are pretty slim. Unless he’s offering me outrageously low interest rates on my mortgage or a penis enlargement technique that’s absolutely foolproof, which seems to be the extent of the offers I get over the computer, these days. I guess I’m just too suspicious when it comes to internet dating. The last thing I want is to end up being stalked by a 7 foot Yeti with extreme halitosis, matted fur that smells like cat pee and a wonderful personality. Which is not to say that’s what you look like, but if you have to ask, there has to be a reason. That’s all I’m saying...

boob guys, some are butt guys, some are leg guys, some like to be tied up and pummeled with used feminine hygiene products. It really all depends on the guy himself. And whether or not your boobs and butt are worthy of any guy’s notice. Do all women feel the same when a man is inside her? Q: -- Kelly

A:They do to the man. I like putting M&M’s in my girlfriend’s vagina, then eating Q: them out. Is that safe?

-- Plain & Penis

know how safe it is, but definitely one of the kinkiA:Iit’sdon’t

Factoid Drug Fact 1

Morphine is highly combustible.

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Professional sumo wrestlers pay income tax based on body weight.

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Mahatma Gandhi advocated the recreational use of opium.

est sexual acts I’ve heard of in a while. What I’d like to know is, why are you so concerned about your girlfriend’s safety? If she doesn’t mind stuffing her twat with candycoated chocolates and being a glorified Pez dispenser for you, why worry? Enjoy it while it lasts. Chances are pretty good that once she acquires toxic shock syndrome you’ll never find another accommodating freak quite like her. What is the best way to give a guy a blow job? Q: -- Little Annie

A:Use your mouth. Dr. Dick is a syndicated charlatan and author of the book, Sexual Problems: You’re A Loser If You Have Them. The book has yet to be printed, but hopes are high that it will be, eventually. If you have a problem that you think only Dr. Dick can answer, e-mail it to editor@ wildtimesonline.com, and we’ll pass your question on. The opinions expressed by Dr. Dick are not necessarily those of the publishers of Wild Times Magazine and they refuse to accept any blame for anybody stupid enough to take his advice.

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Success Coach

Doc Love

Relationship Breaks Hey Doc, My girlfriend, Beverly, and I have been together the better part of three years. We live together and go to the same college. Lately I’ve noticed that she has been particularly irritable and I’ve felt a huge distance growing between us. She has always had great difficulty communicating her feelings to me, and I have to drag every little feeling out of her. She has no problem telling her friends everything, though, and does so frequently. I confronted her about this and after hours of what seemed like an arduous interrogation rather than a meaningful conversation, I learned that she has feelings for my best friend, and has been unsure and confused about our relationship. She insists that she still sees me as the love of her life and might just need a break. I was actually thinking that a break would be healthy for our relationship as it is the first serious relationship either of has been in and we’re both in our very early 20s. Beverly wants to remain together for now and we still love each other immensely. My friend and I are close and so are my girlfriend and him. They have both admitted that they have feelings for each other; they flirt when we are all together and text each other constantly, especially lately. I love Beverly and I feel like I could get past this if we could communicate better. I have offered to do everything to help her, including going to a therapist with her and urging her to write out her feelings. Nothing seems to work. Also, I’m not a jealous guy, but I do feel a little threatened now because of this thing with my friend. I would trust Beverly never to do anything with him, but she might if we take a break. What should I do? I am immensely frustrated to say the very least. Riff - who doesn’t want to give her away with a relationship break DOC LOVE’S ANSWER Hi Riff, Straight out of the gate you’ve made a huge mistake here: You’re just going to college and you’re already living together. You shouldn’t be living together, especially when you don’t have my materials and you don’t know what you’re doing. Like my cousin General Love says: “Being unarmed on the battlefield is an invitation to catastrophe, soldier.” Let me clear something up for you, pal. There’s a very, very good reason you feel a distance from Beverly. It’s because her Interest Level is no longer 95% -- it’s a paltry 45%. Her Interest Level dropped a massive 50 points because you haven’t been utilizing my principles. When I train a guy, the girl stays in love; when I don’t train a guy, he’s clueless about what to do. Here’s a scary statistic: 90% of American males do not know how to keep a woman

Women Don’t Lie - Men Don’t Listen in love. Without my materials, Riff, you don’t stand a chance. When are you going to wake up? Or are you a masochist and just waiting for more torture? Let me straighten you out on something else. Beverly is communicating her feelings to you. She is communicating them loud and clear. She’s irritable and you feel a huge distance from her, right? Those are her feelings right there. She doesn’t have to verbalize anything. She doesn’t have to come right out and say: “By the way, my Interest Level in you is only 45% -- it’s down 50 points.” You’re looking for completely unnecessary verification, dude. This babe is showing you all you need to know by her actions. Read the signs! Like my cousin Rabbi Love says: “Forget the verbiage, my son. This girl is practically screaming that she doesn’t love you anymore.” By the way, Riff, you don’t know it, but you’re actually very lucky that Beverly’s not spewing her feelings all over you. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says: “That’s why God made girlfriends, dawg!” You shouldn’t be talking about feelings in the first place -- you should be talking about actions. To you Psych majors, actions count. Feelings mean nothing. So, Beverly’s “confused” about you. When a girl says she’s confused, it means her Interest Level is below 50%. But I do agree with you, Riff: A break from Beverly would be good for you. Like forever! Another problem you’ve got, my friend, is this girl’s age: Beverly is very young. She’s not a woman yet. What have I told you before? When she’s 19 or 20, she doesn’t have any staying power and she doesn’t know what she wants. You’re just as in the dark, dude. Beverly says she wants a break from you and you insist she loves you “immensely.” Real swift, man. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “I’ll bet you pull all As in college.” But heck, don’t pay any attention when your friend and girlfriend tell you they have feelings for each other. I’m sure they’re lying. Just overlook the fact that they text and flirt with each other. Like some other love doctors out there might tell you, your problem is that you’re being uptight and jealous. But seriously, do you really think your problems with Beverly are a matter of shoddy communication? Let me remind you once again: Beverly is communicating with you. Every one of her actions tells you what she’s thinking. She’s moody. She’s irritable. She tells you she likes your buddy more than you. What more do you want, pal? She couldn’t be more direct with you! Beverly doesn’t have to write out her feelings or see a therapist. Between being cranky and smitten with your best friend, you’ve got all the evidence of her deepest emotions you’ll ever need. So you’re

getting all hung up here on something that doesn’t count. Do you really think that after Beverly talks to a therapist her Interest Level is going to go from 45% back to 95%? Like the great Doctor Freud once said: “That would be one great shrink -- I’d pay to see her myself!” Now let me get this straight. You feel a little threatened when your girl says she digs your friend? Riff, are you taking language and logic in college? They flirt when they’re together, they text each other constantly and you’re worried that if you take a break something might happen? Wow. All I have to say is that you must be very strong in those subjects. What should you do? Heck, that’s easy! Marry this girl! She’s the perfect girl for you! Remember, guys: You have to learn to stop rationalizing.

Factoid Southern Fact

The Hubble telescope has a small Confederate flag decal affixed to the back of its solar array.

Factoid Money Fact

The five-dollar bill is slightly heavier than every other denomination of paper U.S. currency.

To send me your love questions or to find out more about "The System," visit me at http://www.doclove.com or call (800) 404-2644. PAGE 20 / September 2009

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September 2009

Jokes

Q. If you have big boobs you work at Hooters. If you have one leg, where do you work? A. IHOP. Happy and Sad A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and mixed emotions when the husband turned to his wife and said, “Honey, that’s all a bunch of crap; I bet you can’t tell me anything that will make me both happy and sad at the same time.” She said, “You have the biggest pecker of all your friends.” Walk the Dog A little girl asked her Mom, ‘Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?’ Mom replies, ‘No, because she is in heat.’ ‘What’s that mean?’ asked the child. ‘Go ask your father. I think he’s in the garage.’ The little girl goes to the garage and says, ‘Dad, may I take Bella for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you.’ Dad said, ‘Bring Bella over here’ He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog’s backside with it to disguise the scent, and said ‘OK, you can go now, but keep Bella on the leash and only go one time round the block.’ The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, ‘Where’s Bella?’ The little girl said, ‘She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home.’ Magic Sex A guy goes up to a girl in a bar and asks, “You wanna play ‘magic’?” She responds, “What’s that?”

Who Came First

PAGE 22 / September 2009

He says, “Well we go back to my place and screw, and then you disappear!” Blow Chunks Three women had a very late night drinking. They left in the early morning hours and went home their separate ways. The next day, they all met and compared notes about who was drunker the night before. The first girl claims that she was the drunkest, saying, “I drove straight home and walked into the house. As soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks.” The second said, “You think that was drunk? Hell, I got into my car and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don’t even have insurance!” The third proclaimed, “Damn, I was the drunkest by far. When I got home, I got into a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over, and burned the whole house down!” The room was silent for a moment. Then, the first girl spoke out again, “Listen girls, I don’t think you understand. Chunks is my dog.” Periscope Down A drunken sailor gives a hooker $100, and they proceed to a back bedroom. After a few minutes, the sailor asks, “How am I doing?” “About three knots,” says the hooker. “Three knots?” asks the sailor. “What are you talking about?” “You’re not hard, you’re not in, and you’re not getting your money back.” Hotel Lobby A man is in a hotel lobby. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her

breast. They turns heart you’ll

are both quite startled. The man to her and says, “Ma’am, if your is as soft as your breast, I know forgive me.”

She replies, “if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I’m in room 1221.” Ugly Woman An extremely ugly woman walks into a store with her two kids. The man at the counter asks, “Are they twins?” The woman says, “No, he’s nine and she’s seven.” Then she says, “Why? Do you think they look alike?” “No,” he replies. “I just can’t believe you got laid twice!” Wrong Way Two sperm are swimming along. One turns to the other and asks, “Hey, how far to the fallopian tubes?” The other replies, “Fallopian tubes? Hell, we haven’t even passed the esophagus yet!”

Factoid Bald Fact

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Factoid Nazi Fact

Adolf Hitler had a twin brother who died at birth.

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September 2009 / PAGE 23


Wild News

News & Views

Love songs for horny Sharks Aquarium bosses are piping the sounds of Barry White and Marvyn Gaye underwater to try and put a shark in the mood for love. Zorro, a six-year-old zebra shark, was shipped in to the Sea Life London Aquarium on Valentine’s Day to breed with a single shark called Mazawabee. Hopes were high, as Zorro’s amorous advances had worn out his former tank mates at Sea Life Belgium - but so far his relationship with Mazawabee has been strictly platonic. So marine experts are now taking steps to re-ignite Zorro’s mojo with seductive music, such as Barry White’s Baby We Better Try To Get It Together and Marvin Gaye’s Let’s Get It On. “Zorro has something of a reputation as a “ladies shark” and as Mazawabee has been ‘single’ for a number of years now we really thought they would get together very quickly,” says Paul Hale, curator at the aquarium. “But it’s been months since their first introduction and although there are certainly signs that Zorro has been making advances, we would really have expected some serious mating by now. “Research suggests that fish can not only hear music but can appreciate different tunes and melodies so we have decided to see if some good old fashioned love songs will get them in the mood!” Transvestite cult baffles religious leaders Religious leaders in India are baffled by a bizarre new transvestite cult for men to live as a Hindu love goddess. Thousands of devotees are now dressing up as Radha - the goddess lover of Krishna - like retired railwayman V K Saxena, 72. “I can’t put it into words properly but I feel more holy dressed as a woman,” said Saxena of New Delhi. “The Lord told me he wanted me as his bride.” But the cult has astonished traditional religious leaders.

Senior priest Mohammad Ahangar said: “There are many ways to be closer to the Lord without trying to be his girlfriend.” Eternity on top of Marilyn A widow is auctioning off the burial plot occupied by her late husband above that of Marilyn Monroe. “Spend eternity directly above Marilyn Monroe,” says the ad placed on eBay by Elsie Poncher, of Beverly Hills. Bidding opened at about $400,000 but quickly reached $600,000. Mrs Poncher said she will be “vacating” the remains of her husband “to make room for a new resident” at LA’s exclusive Westwood Village cemetery. The widow said she hoped to make enough money to pay off the $1.6m mortgage on her Beverly Hills mansion.

Jailed for yawning A man has been jailed for yawning ‘boisterously’ in court. Clifton Williams, 33, was watching cousin Jason Mayfield plead guilty to a drug charge when he stretched and let out a yawn.

“I can’t be more honest than that,” she said. “I want to leave it free and clear for my kids.” The cemetery is the final resting place of many celebrities, including Dean Martin, Roy Orbison, Truman Capote, and most recently Farrah Fawcett. Mrs Poncher said that her husband was placed face down in his crypt on top of the actress, in keeping with his dying wish. Richard Poncher, who died 23 years ago at the age of 81, was said to be a successful businessman who worked hard, spent lavishly, and knew “all the gangsters” of LA. Mrs Poncher says her husband’s remains will be moved over one spot into the crypt intended for her, while she will be cremated when the time comes. Too good to refuse? A Kenyan man has offered Bill Clinton 20 cows and 40 goats in exchange for the hand of his daughter Chelsea in marriage. Godwin Chepkurgor, 39, a former councilor from Nairobi, told the East African Standard it was the second time he had made the offer. He says he first wrote to the former President in the year 2000 but never received a reply. Mr Chepkurgor made his second bid to marry Chelsea during a recent visit to Kenya by her mother, Hillary Clinton, the Secretary of State. Mrs Clinton reportedly promised to tell her daughter all about his interest which he expressed as she was addressing a public forum at the University of Nairobi. Mr Chepkurgor is already married, however polygamy is permitted in Kenya so

PAGE 24 / September 2009

- technically - Chelsea could become his second wife if the Clintons take up his offer.

Judge Daniel Rozak sentenced Mayfield to two years’ probation in Joliet, Illinois, and then sentenced Williams to six months in jail. Williams’ father, also called Clifton Williams, complained: “I was flabbergasted because I didn’t realize a judge could do that. It seems to me like a yawn is an involuntary action.” Mayfield also said it was ‘not an outrageous yawn’ but Chuck Pelkie, from the state’s attorney office, insisted: “It was not a simple yawn - it was a loud and boisterous attempt to disrupt the proceedings.” Too hairy for love A Chinese man says he can’t get a girlfriend because much of his body is covered in thick hair. Xiao Song, 23, of Changchun in northeast China’s Jilin province, was born with large birthmarks which now sprout thick hairs. “I can’t even wear T-shirts or shirts, since my hair is so hard that they penetrate through the material,” he said. Song’s entire back and most of his front are covered with hair. “The most frustrating thing is no girl wants to keep a relationship with me once they know my secret,” he said. TO ADVERTISE CALL (314) 429-4531


Fat inmate hid gun in his flab A 560lb man smuggled a gun into two prisons by hiding it within his rolls of fat. George Vera, 25, carried the unloaded pistol into both Houston city and Harris county jails despite repeated searches, reports the Houston Chronicle. Police had initially arrested Vera for selling bootlegged CDs out of the back of a sport utility vehicle in Houston. Police spokesman Victor Senties said Vera was searched four times - at the scene, when he arrived at the city jail, before he was transferred to county jail and again when he arrived there. The gun only came to light when he later approached a county guard during a shower break and admitted having smuggled it in, authorities said. Houston Police Officers Union president Gary Blankinship said officers were trained how to search obese people. “We teach officers to lift up and look under,” he said, but added: “The officer may not have arrested anyone this big before. “They can be so big, basically short of strip searching or searching cavities, they could miss something like this.”

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Factoid Gay Fact Liberace coined the word “mantastic.”

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September 2009

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September 2009

In This Issue:

Doc Love

Relationship Breaks

Ty

Wild News

Jailed for yawning Too hairy for love Eternity on top of Marilyn Fat inmate hid gun in his flab

Club

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Horoscopes Dirty Jokes ClassiďŹ eds and More!

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