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www.mycampus talk .com FEBRUARY 2013

CAMPUS TALK IS A COLLEGE STUDENT’S BEST FRIEND

h Lisa Hochstein An Interview wit ives of Miami from Real Housew

14 Ways to Shake the Freshman



A Valentine’s Day

Rebellion How 2 Make it in the

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Love

From a Hollywood

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BREAKIN’ IT DOWN!

CONTENTS

GOOD

P84

READING

09 Red Alert: It’s Valentine’s Day 10 Funny First Date Tips

for Dummies 12 Lisa Hochstein: Real Housewives of Miami 13 What Hollywood Really Tells About Love 14 Entering the Real World w/ Aaron McDaniel 16 Viva La Resistance: The Rebellion of Being Alone on V-Day 18 Frank the Cab Driver P92

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23 10 Films All Guys Must Watch 30 Manning Up Valentine’s Day 32 The Battle of Bunker Hill in

500 Words or Less 35 5 Things You Must Accomplish Before Graduation 42 The Ultimate Guide to Hide and Go Treat a Hickey 55 Dead Man Testing 61 5 Head Games Every Boyfriend Play 81 Avoiding the Freshman 15 82 Online Dating Diary P32 84 The Practical Pranker’s Guidebook 90 The Best of the Worst Fad Diets of All Time

CLUB PICS

71–78 Club pics are brought to you by mycampustalk.com

Totally useless fact: Linda McCartney has sold more vegetarian ready made meals than Paul has sold records.


breakin’ it down!

FOR YOUR

P13

ENTERTAINMENT 38 Why Siri Why 41 Scheckism

P82

46 Beauty Reviews

P16

52 Music Reviews 64 Sore Thumbs

P42

P55

58 Gadgets 64 Spot the Difference 66 Gainesville

Restaurant Guide 86 Flicks 92 Valentine’s Day Cards Gone Awry 94 Pick Up Lines

P10

P61

P90

P52

P64

Totally useless fact: You are more likely to be killed by a rogue champagne cork than a poisonous spider.

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WHAT’S on!

Editors ‘

LETTER It may be the month of love…

Editor-IN-CHIEF

Lauren Douglass

CONTENT EDITOR

LAUREN Michelle KOLANSKY

art director

DANIEL TIDBURY

Graphic Design

DANIEL TIDBURY LISA TORRES JANE DOMINGUEZ

staff writers

Brian hodges JOHN SCHECK

Contributing Writers

Marc Douglass kelly herman Evan Gerstel bella fountain David Wyett Cari Cooney Frank the cab driver julia fleming jake craney chris humpherys Chris Jenkins LAUREN Michelle KOLANSKY DANIEL SUTPHIN Kelly Herman

FASHIon FEATURES

But not everything is all chocolate hearts and roses. As singles scramble for dates and couples conjure up their best attempt for gifts, Spring Semester hits full swing with midterms hanging dauntingly in the foreseeable future. The pressure may seem heavy at times, but remember to take a deep breath, relax and read Campus Talk. This month, we have enough pro- and antiValentine’s Day discussion to fill even the loneliest of hearts. There’s also an interview with Lisa Hochstein from Real Housewives of Miami, advice on joining the real world after

college, ways to avoid the dreaded freshman 15 (if it hasn’t already struck), the ever-increasingly ‘useful’ advice from Frank the Cab Driver, and our monthly variety of games, reviews and jokes. Don’t let commercialism get the best of you this month. Enjoy Valentine’s Day if you must, but remember that you shouldn’t need a national holiday to celebrate the way you feel about someone.

Daniel Sutphin

If you have any comments you’d like to share with CT, send them in to mail@mycampustalk.com and you’ll be entered into a drawing to win prizes!! You may only be entered once, so don’t send us 50 comments thinking you’ll enhance your chances of winning! Employees of Campus Talk magazine, their relatives, their twins from alternate universes and their healthcare providers are prohibited from entering this drawing. Everyone else is eligible to participate… except for pandas. No pandas allowed.

Lauren-Michelle KolanskY Emily Alter

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Campus Talk is a humor magazine dedicated to relieving students of the pressures of everyday college life. Among essay exams, crowded classrooms, boring professors and messy roommates, Campus Talk offers a welcome diversion for those students “just trying to get away from it all.” Different viewpoints may grace our pages but may not all represent the opinions of Campus Talk Magazine or its staff. Campus Talk should not be read by anyone suffering from heart ailments, unfunny syndrome or halitosis. All images depicted are purely coincidental. Copyright 2009. All rights reserved, What’s Happening Publications, Inc.

Totally useless fact: In the course of the 18 year run of Cats on broadway, 3,247 lbs of yak hair was used for wigs.


can’t buy me love

Red Alert by Kelly Herman

It’s Valentine’s Day Are you blushing just at the thought of it? Showing your love is a wonderful thing (hence the blushing) but usually requires gift-giving on V-day, which can go pretty wrong sometimes (also blush-inducing). There are a lot of options out there, but if you’re tired of going to the store and buying generic boxes of Valentine’s cards with the little heart stickers, we’ve got a few more options for you.

For lovers: Here’s the tricky one. The way people handle Valentine’s day can be very different, and can range from staying at home with a glass of wine and a romantic comedy, to going out on a dinner date and a movie on the big screen, or even going out partying. Find out what your partner likes and stick with it. Some people just do not like public affection, while others bask in it. For those who are the homebody type and prefer staying in, buy a new, unheard-of board game you can play, and invest in a really good dessert. They may not like public attention, but everyone wants to be shown that they’re appreciated and loved.

For those who are more extroverted, try signing up for a class of some sort, like a dance class if you’ve got rhythm, or a pottery class if you’re not into public displays of embarrassment. This way, you’re satisfying their needs of getting out and doing something, but you also have the chance to control how crazy things get. If you’re really as extroverted as your loved one, take them to a Latin club and Samba your way through Valentine’s day. For friends: Call up friends and let them know why you love them. During other holidays, we think about what makes us so thankful for having great people in our lives, but

Valentine’s day is the time to really • Melt crayon scraps (and even collect some from friends so show it. It really doesn’t take more you’re not using up new crayons) than a phone call, and they’ll into a heart-shaped cookie or remember and appreciate cupcake tin, and attach to hearing you tell them you love construction paper cards them and why, more than a card from Walgreens that you • Cut out heart-shaped pieces of sent out two days late. felt and attach to barrettes, then clip onto cards For your youngest friends or family: • Try making origami hearts or candy Now is the time when candy shapes, then attach actual candy comes in handy. But aren’t we all used to the chocolate Kisses Showing your love on Valentine’s every year? Try something new by day can be just plain ol’ fun, a big making cards with your kids, for deal, or a way to spend time with them and their friends. Here are others. Either way you handle some suggestions: this day, don’t panic or ignore it just because it may seem • Cell phone shaped card with overwhelming. You can figure out Dots candy as the buttons and the perfect way to say you care a cute message on the screen for everyone in your circle.

Totally useless fact: You could comfortably fit the entire population of the planet into a cube with sides 1km long

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IF AT FIRST YOU DON’T SUCCEED…

Funny By Jessica DiGiacinto

First Date Tips

For Dummies

It’s nerve-racking enough just consenting to go on a date with someone new. There’s no reason to add to the pressure by going into battle unarmed and unprepared. That’s why we’ve come up with these helpful (in a totally unhelpful kind of way) first date tips to get you from “hello” to “help me take this off.” Follow these easy steps and you’ll get around more than Snooki at a steroid convention.

The Ride The Pickup

Guys: Women require an insane amount of energy, so you’re best served by storing some up and bypassing the unbearably long walk to the front door for that clichéd escort to the car. A simple honk will do wonders. Besides… chicks are always talking about getting more exercise, right? Girls: When the guy honks from his cheap, rusty station wagon, that’s your cue to start applying makeup and finishing your hair. Nothing says “classy woman” like a gal who spends 30 minutes coloring on a fake Julia Roberts mole above her lip. Don’t worry about the guy… he’s probably playing video games on his iPhone. 10

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Guys: Show your alpha male dominance by blaring your music so loud that your date can’t even hear herself thinking about how cheesy you look with two polo shirts on and both collars popped. If you’re forced to make conversation, talk about politics… or the sexual positions you plan to try out with her later. Either way, both topics are sure to shut her up. Girls: Use this time to thoroughly and shallowly judge the guy on everything from his hairdo to his halitosis. When he makes a lame joke about some politician whom you’ve never heard of before, respond with a cute giggle and a bat of your eyes. That should steer his mind toward sex and give you a free moment to text your girlies about the shoe sale at the mall.

The Drinks The Meal

Guys: Even though you’re still pissed off that she wouldn’t agree to fine seafood dining at Red Lobster, make nice and compliment your date on how well her dress matches the chef’s salad she inevitably ordered. Be sure to deliver this compliment as blood from your rare-cooked steak drips down your chin. Girls: Take tiny bites from salad plate. Dab lip with napkin. Excuse yourself to the bathroom. Repeat.

Guys: Order yourself a beer if all’s going well. Order a scotch if you’d rather be skinny-dipping in a pool full of syringes than spend another second with this boring girl. Order her the strongest drink on the menu regardless. Then order her a few more. Girls: Fashionably sip on your blue, pink and orange concoction with seven cherries and an umbrella straw hanging out of the glass. When pressed by your date for another round (or four), cautiously accept and carefully watch to make sure he doesn’t spike your drink.

The Goodbye

Guys: Magically transform into a perfect gentleman, walk her to her door and quietly pray that all those sour apple-mangopeachtinis have loosened her up enough to consider drunkenly sleeping with you tonight. Girls: Quickly consider what would please you better tonight: him or sleep..

Totally useless fact: Apporximately 69 percent of all Internet content consists of pornographic material.


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chattin’ it up

Lisa

Hochstein

Real

Housewives

of Miami Interview by Lauren Douglass

We caught up with the muy caliente Lisa Hochstein of the Real Housewives of Miami about her life after the show, her fundraising work and how she handles negative criticism. Are you happy that you did the show? I am. I like the way I’m being portrayed, and that it’s an accurate portrayal of me. I also think people didn’t expect me to be who I was at the beginning, and they’re pleasantly surprised. In the beginning, I think they thought I was going to be some bimbo airhead because people tend to judge a book by its cover, which is unfortunate but that’s the way of the world. How does it feel to relive events that happened months ago? I think it was in February that we started to film. You have to look at everything again. It’s opening up the vaults of memories and of all the feelings that were happening then. Also, you get to look back and see exactly what was happening when you weren’t there to witness it for yourself. Sometimes you hear things that were said about you that you don’t like. 12

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Was the lingerie party (that was shown on the show) your first hosting charity event? No, we’ve been doing these events for the past five years, and we’ve raised over $250,000. It’s very important to me that when people see us doing these parties, they know that they’re not for nothing. Which charities do you raise money for? The charities are Make a Wish, the Humane Society, and Susan G. Komen – that was the charity at our lingerie party. Whenever we do our parties, our philosophy is “Party with a Purpose.” What else are you working on, besides the show? I’ve just launched this new website; LisaMarieHochstein.com. I plan on blogging about products I use, fashion advice, advice on life, and weekly updates about what’s going on in my life. It’s just a way for fans to really get to know me outside of the show. I’m definitely flattered that everyone wants to know what I’m doing, and I love to empower women and share. I also want to create a buzz to let people know that I plan on launching fitness supplements and that I’d eventually like to do skincare. Rome wasn’t built overnight, but I want to start slowly and see where the fitness supplements go and how that works for me.

How else has the show changed your life? It really helped toughen me up and help me grow and be more assertive. Everything’s a learning experience and this is no exception. Do you read the negative comments that people say about you? I for sure see them. I don’t see all of them because there are so many, but I do see them on occasion and people will tweet me, which is crazy! I think the most horrible thing that people can do is @ you on Twitter and then leave some horrible comment. It’s fine if you do it, just don’t directly message me on Twitter. You know, do it on your blog or do it anonymously - which is cowardly anyhow. I appreciate constructive criticism and I appreciate people’s opinions because I know we open ourselves up to criticism, but when it’s really nasty and uncalled for and it’s full of hate, that’s where I stop reading. How do you handle that criticism? Just ignore it and don’t pay attention to it. And really, I just laugh at it now. I chuckle because I know that negative things are said about who I am not and my appearance. It’s like comic relief at the end of my day.

Totally useless fact: Porn sites generated $970 million in revenue in 1999.


ALL YOU NEED IS A REALITY CHECK by Brian Hodges

What Hollywood Really Tells Us

About Love

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes LESSON: Never marry drastically out of your religion. It’s one thing for a Presbyterian to make out with an Episcopalian, or a cultural Jew to bang a New Age Buddhist for his yoga flexibility. But you simply cannot throw a normal person into a relationship with an eighth-level goddamn THETAN and expect there won’t be, shall we say, “clashes of philosophy.” After all, nobody in their right mind would pair Billy Graham with Christopher Hitchens, even ignoring their respective heterosexuality and lack of mortal coil. Maybe the two of you will buck the odds but when you sincerely believe they’re destined to burn for eternity while they think you’ll be reincarnated as a science fiction villain, it’s probably not going to last forever and ever, amen.

Kim Kardashian & Kris Humphries LESSON: Don’t confuse torrid romance for true love Say what you want about Kim, she sure is purdy. And say what you want about Kris, he sure is… he’s a basketball player, right? Throw in a multi-million dollar reality show and raucous New York lifestyle and you’ve got yourself the kind of torrid affair that everyone should experience at least once before settling down. The problem comes when you settle down before a little thing called “Reality” has a chance to set in. For Pete’s sake, take a trip together first! Adopt a cat or something! At least dabble in co-habitation before getting married less than a year after meeting! Because unlike Kim, you probably won’t make millions off your wedding to pay for the inevitable divorce.

Michael Jackson & Lisa Marie Presley LESSON: Beard relationships don’t fool anyone. It was a marriage made in rock-n-roll Heaven. The King of Pop marries the King of Rock-n-Roll’s daughter? If only it hadn’t come right on the heels of Jackson’s earliest accusations of seducing, ahem, younger lovers. The marriage ended soon after, but not before even the most ardent fans suspected Michael of covering up his real romantic interests. Bottom line: getting into a relationship with someone whose naked body grosses you out on a biological level is a recipe for disaster. One way or another, all that self-denial is going to fail, often epically, ruining more than just your own life. And let’s be clear, unless you live in Uganda, being gay is hardly on par with the stuff Michael was into. So please just be honest with yourself and actually enjoy your love life.

It’s February and love is in the air. Not surprisingly, it smells a lot like Axe Body Spray. But as you follow your nose into new relationships (ew) let’s learn a few hard lessons from some of Hollywood’s epic couples.

Kevin and Danielle Jonas LESSON: Do NOT save yourself for marriage Ah the Jonas Brothers, encouraging teens to save their virginity for a committed relationship sanctioned by Jesus and Purity Rings®. You just knew when Kevin married Danielle that their first time would be full of music, champagne and giddy de-flowering. Until ol’ Kev-bo said: “After we did it, I was kind of like, that’s it?” Listen, sexual compatibility is a fickle nuanced thing. You frankly never know who you’ll be good with until you’re, ya know, with them. Beyond earning the title of Honorary Douchecanoe for publicly insinuating his wife is lousy in the sack, the elder Jonas reveals once again the danger of delaying an insanely important part of a relationship until you can’t easily get out of that relationship.

Totally useless fact: Charlie Chaplin once came third in a Charlie Chaplin look-a-like competition.

Brad Pitt & Jennifer Aniston LESSON: Never date someone impossibly hotter than you Don’t get me wrong, Jen is cute and all, but come on! Even the most Leviticus-quoting of rednecks have pictured Brad naked. That man is flawless on a level not seen since Michelangelo’s David… says the guy who is all about boobies. Point is, while it’s fun to dabble out of your league from time to time, and really convince yourself that they love you for who you are “as a person,” one way or another the ridiculously hotter of you – the one with the chiseled abs, boyish sneer and perfect hair no matter how he wears it – is always going to end up with Angelina Jolie. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go shower. campus talk

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making it big

Interview by Lauren Douglass

Entering The Real

World Aaron McDaniel 14

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february 2013

Totally useless fact: Every 20 minutes a hapless person treads on a land mine.


making it big College doesn’t teach you how to be successful in the working world, and Aaron McDaniel knows it. Being one of the youngest to serve as Regional Vice President at AT&T, this corporate manager, entrepreneur and community leader is now an author, too. His book, The Young Professional’s Guide to the Working World, covers everything millennials need to know about getting in, getting ahead, and rising to the top. Can you tell me a little about your background? I’m a San Francisco Bay area native, and I went to UC Berkeley and studied undergraduate Business. Upon graduating, I started working at a rotational leadership program at AT&T. Over the course of the last seven years, I’ve worked with AT&T and was given the opportunity to manage people right out the gate and was put in charge of a team of call center representatives, most of whom were twice my age and have been with the company longer than I’ve been alive. I was able to get a lot of valuable experience from working with them. What kinds of things are you involved in outside of AT&T? On the side, I’ve had a lot of entrepreneurial ventures. Earlier this year, I sold one of the ventures I started; a portable beer pong table company. Other than that, I’m really passionate about teaching young professionals how to be successful in their career. There’s no real textbook or course that teaches us how to be successful in our career, so I had to figure it out the hard way. I don’t wish that on others, so if there’s any advice I can give to those coming into the career or those who are struggling, that’s what I’m passionate about. What are some tips you can give? If you look at my book, The Young Professional Guide to the Working World, it’s focused on teaching millennials some attributes that can help them succeed in their career. I’d say one attribute that’s important for young professionals to have is the ability to take ownership of their career. This is especially

true for millennials, because we have such a sense of entitlement. We think that experience alone is what’s going to get us to the next level. While that is important, another core aspect of moving up is results. It’s not just about doing something, but it’s about having the results to back up what you’ve done. How are millennials different in the workplace than other generations? I think, besides our sense of entitlement, we tend to be very impatient. We’re used to instant gratification outside of work, but that’s not really how it works with companies. It takes a lot more time for you to do work that can make an impact, and we tend to give up sooner than we should. We aren’t as resilient as we need to be. How does this impatience hurt millennials? If we feel like we’re not getting traction with a company, we’ll immediately go and work somewhere else. Part of that is finding out what we really want to do for our career, but we should be careful in how we do that. For example, I’ve been on the other side of the interview table, hiring people for a team that I managed. When I see someone who’s worked at five different companies in five years, that communicates to me that I shouldn’t put the time and resources into training this person, because after a year they will want to go and do something new. Being able to show a little loyalty looks better. What other mistakes do you see across the board? I think a mistake is not separating work and play, which comes down to the core of professionalism. It’s natural to have friends at work, but you need to be able to delineate the difference between what goes on in and out of work. Things that happen outside of work tend to find their way into work. How do you stand out as a young professional? We have this nature of wanting to make ourselves look good and focusing on our own career and goals, which can sometimes be seen as selfish behavior. I think what I learned was to make things about the team, aligning your goals with your team, and doing what you can do to support your organization. That attitude tends to produce a lot of dividends, like when it comes time for bonuses or support for a promotion. What would you tell a young professional who is not enjoying their work? If a young professional is in a job that they don’t like, their performance or engagement tends to suffer. Even if you’re not happy with the job, the best thing to do is to just put out a great effort and the next opportunity will come to you. What are some tips for people fresh out of college and looking to start their career?

Totally useless fact: The average adult falls asleep seven minutes after turning out the light.

I don’t talk about this specifically in my book, but I think it’s important. We are so used to structure. We go through these four year cycles, starting in high school where we’re focused on working toward college, then in college when we’re focused on working toward a job. When you get into the professional world, it’s not a four year cycle. It’s a forty year cycle. We need to be mindful of this lack of structure, and focus on getting really good experience that’s going to help you no matter where you go in your career. What is Spark Source? It’s a site that I’m developing. One of the things that makes my book different from others is that it’s short and to the point. We millennials don’t have large attention spans, so I kept things short. Also, I included parts throughout the book where I say, “Let’s go explore this online.” This creates online interaction, which not a lot of other books have. There are resources, assessments, templates and guides that are all throughout the website. It’s a place where young professionals can engage in peer mentoring, which I think is very important because while the executive at the top of a company can have some great perspectives, they’re not really going to be able to connect with your generation at an entry level. It’s important to have peer mentoring experiences and to get involved with that kind of exchange of experience. What other new ideas do you have for Spark Source? The other key thing that I’m using on SparkSource.com is “Anonymous.” It’s unique because there’s no platform like it where you can do things with anonymity. Here, you can have a questionnaire done immediately, in an anonymous fashion. You can also rate the advice you are given as high or low, depending on the quality of the advice. I’m also looking to engage career experts who could offer advice. Also, because I want to make the forum really rich, there will be a “Shout” section to separate out some of the complaining. There will also be a corporate-specific forum, where you can say which corporation you’re from specifically, still anonymously, and get advice in that way. If you could give someone one piece of advice if they wanted to be as successful as you, what would it be? The key is to remember that no matter what your job title is, or how high or low you are in the company, you can still be a leader. Being a leader doesn’t necessarily mean being the president of the whole thing; it’s knowing that we can be self-aware and knowing how to contribute to best help the organization that we’re a part of. Even if the job isn’t exactly where you want to end up, you can still take pride in your work. campus talk

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MORE THORN, LESS ROSE PLEASE!

Viva LA By Daniel Sutphin

Résistance

The Rebellion of Being Alone on V-Day Nothing says true love like the pre-scripted protestations of devotion often found in the greetings of run-of-the-mill holiday cards. For too long, relationships have clung to the commercialized sanctity of corporate, meaningless holidays like Valentine’s Day. Candy, jewelry, restaurants, reservations and unnecessary stress are all reasons why we, as a culture, should not partake in such an ingenuous, bogus festivity. Aren’t diabetes and superficial greed big enough problems already in this country? Do we really need to tie in the underlying guilt of artificial, sensationalized love to further feed such flaws? There’s only one way to truly celebrate these practices, and that is with rebellion; one such method made possible through the logical stance of being SINGLE on VALENTINE’S DAY! Yes, I know, it is a far-fetched concept, being that society has trained us from an early age to feel sad if you’re alone on Valentine’s Day (recall the kids in grade school who didn’t receive cards and the imminent ridicule that followed). Being single should be celebrated; if for any other reason than the fact that you’re not allowing yourself to be bogged down by such phony stipulations of a society strung to it’s own self-deluded hallmark perspective. Valentine’s Day is basically the equivalent of having only Lifetime and the Hallmark channel available on television, sans the option of shutting it off. Loneliness should be a positive word on Valentine’s Day.

Look at the alternatives: • IBISWorld, an industry research firm, projects V-Day spending to exceed $18.6 billion. That’s a 5.8 percent jump over 2010. • It is expected that consumers will spend about $125 per person in 2013. • Floral purchases are predicted to grow by 16.8 percent, jewelry by 11.3 percent, romantic getaways by 5.7 percent and candy sales by 5.1 percent. • Spending on greeting cards, dining out, and clothing and lingerie are also expected to go up this year. • The NRF survey even expects pet spending to rise this year to an estimated average of $5.04 from $3.27 last year. 16

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• The National Retail Federation forecasts that the average person will spend $116.21 on Valentine’s Day merchandise this year, up 11 percent over last year’s $103.00. • Total holiday spending is projected to reach $15.7 billion. •N  RF’s survey found greeting cards to be the most popular gift option, with 52.1 percent. Jewelry is next on the list, with 17.3 percent. Last year, only 15.5 percent of those surveyed said they would give jewelry. • IBISWorld also projected that travel getaways will make a jump this year, up 5.7 percent from last year, while spending on dining out should increase 3.8 percent.

If you find yourself desperate to celebrate something, there’s always Single Awareness Day. According to singlesawareness.com: February 15 was made Singles Awareness Day in response to retailers’ push of candy, flowers and greeting cards on the masses. The goal of Singles Awareness Day is to push singles to celebrate and hold get-togethers to exchange gifts with their single friends. Suggested activities include sending yourself flowers (although that kind of defeats the anti-commercial purpose), planning parties for other singles or to participate in some sort of single’s event.

Considering these projections, most participants will be buying their date (and some apparently their PETS) all the same generic crap dished every V-Day. Not only should that be an issue, but the fact that the money-spending trend is on the rise means that next year you will most likely have to spend even more to compete with the cultural standards of this cash-fueled observance. Deep down, do you really want to contribute to such

a standard, generic celebration of an abstraction such as love – a word said to represent PERSONAL experiences? This year, don’t give in to the commercial-motivated desires of those around you. Instead, take a stance and proudly stand alone, with fist held high before a burning heap of chocolate hearts, pink-ribbon gift cards, fuzzy-heart bears and all the other holiday propaganda the proverbial ‘they’ shoves down society’s throat.

Totally useless fact: Six thousand new computer viruses are released every month.


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frank!

FRANK

cab driver

THE FRank’s stunt double

Frank,

Level with me man. Are we all as screwed after graduation as they say? Jonathan If by screwed you mean overeducated, underemployed and buried under mountains of debt, then most definitely yes. There are two bright sides though. When you’re stone cold broke they can’t really take anything AWAY from you. Oh sure they’ll try and scare you with “bad credit”, but the global economy is about to collapse anyway, so you’ll probably be no worse off than, say, Greece. FRANK PARADOX: The lower his credit score goes, the more credit card offers Frank gets in the mail.

Dear Frank the Cab Driver,

As a respected local businessman, how can you align yourself with such a pornographic publication? You really should be ashamed to be a part of this filth. James Wait, Campus Talk is pornographic??? Why didn’t anyone tell me? Thanks for the heads up, Jimbo. I might start showing up to those weekly staff meetings now that I know we’re making porn! Out of curiosity though, where on earth did you get the impression I’m “respected” around here? FRANK FACT: The only thing Frank is ashamed to be part of is the AARP mailing list.

Hey Frank,

I met this awesome guy at my job. He’s a good 10 years older than me and recently divorced, but we have a great, flirty vibe and I really get the sense he’s into me. Only thing is he’s got two kids. I don’t know if I’m ready for a relationship with so much baggage. What should I do? Cassie What on earth would give you the impression this guy is looking for a relationship? Two kids AND recently divorced AND flirting with a 20 year old? Not to burst your bubble, but this guy is just looking to have some fun that doesn’t involve Dora the Explorer. Enjoy it for what it is, but realize you’ll probably never be important enough to even MEET his kids. FRANK FACT: Dating single moms is the best. They’re on a schedule and have to be up early so you’ll be home in your own bed in time for Letterman.

Hey Frank,

Well the Apocalypse is on its way. I don’t have nearly the amount of money those Doomsday Preppers do. What’s your survival advice for when the zombies, Chinese or Obamanauts finally take over. Leslie Seriously have you WATCHED any of those apocalypse shows?! Even the PREPARED people die horribly. If and when the apocalypse happens, I fully intend on cooking one last steak dinner, having one last roll in the hay with my lady, then swallowing a bunch of pills and whiskey. All y’all can be brave and noble survivors, but damnit I’m going out happy and satisfied. Have fun being torn apart. FRANK THOUGHTS: You clearly intended it to be derogatory, but “Obamanauts” sounds like an awesome name for an elite team of space cowboys. Or a breakfast cereal.

Dear Frank,

Do I REALLY need to buy chocolates and flowers and stuff for Valentines Day? Mitchell

ask Fran a question k f rank@

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february 2013

myc am

pustal

k .co m

Depends, do you REALLY want oral sex that night? It’s 20 bucks for a few roses dude. Pick your sociological battles. FRANK THOUGHTS: Roses are the norm but it’s the girls who respond to daisies and sunflowers that you really want to marry.

Totally useless fact: Over one trillion matches were being produced every year at the beginning of the last century.


CHARTED

BENEFITS OF BEING A FATHER

He’s Awsome!

WHAT DO I DO WHILE WAITING FOR MY TOAST TO POP UP

He’s Going to Die!

Playing with Legos Raising a Child Again with Morals and Values

WINNERS OF MISS UNIVERSE

Get butter and utensils out

Clean up the kitchen

Stare at toaster

CONSEQUENCES OF GAY MARRIAGE

Every

Hoe many

Most Some A little Almost no None Rest of the Universe Place

Totally useless fact: Elvis Presley had a twin brother.

Russia Invades

Families are Destoyed

Judgement Day Begins

Ice Caps Melt

Gays Marry!

Earth

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february 2013

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frank! Hey Frank,

In your opinion, at what “number” does a girl become undateable? Glen If by “number” you mean “age”, the answer is 17 and down. If by “number” you mean the guys she’s been naked with, the answer is zero – which refers to your maturity level. If you can’t deal with the fact that a girl has had sex and (gasp) ENJOYED IT before your Wonder Penis® came along, you are too stunted an individual for a relationship. FRANK FACT: Frank’s number varies by as much as 11 depending on whose definition of “sex” and “different people” you use, and whether or not falling asleep in the middle counts.

Hey Frank,

My girlfriend is into all sorts of exotic foods. I’m more of a steak and potatoes kind of guy but she keeps trying to get me to try like goat intestines or something. How should I deal with this? Tim Like every important thing in life, you learned all you need by the age of five. “How do you know you don’t like it if you haven’t tried it?” Seriously, just try a bite. If you don’t like it, say so. But outright refusal to try new things is indicative of your general lack of adventurousness in, ahem, OTHER arenas of romantic life. Like they say, “You are how you eat” in bed… or something. FRANK FACT: All that being said, Frank refuses to try tofu. EVERY vegetarian swears you just need to cook it the “right way”. But after multiple attempts by multiple hippies, Frank is done buying the lie.

Dear Frank,

All I want is for someone to love ME for ME and who I am through and through. Is that too much to ask? Sam You’re in college. So yes, it is too much to ask. Fact is YOU barely know who you are through and through and what you DO know is going to change A LOT in the next 10 years. Stop thinking about forever and ever and just have fun RIGHT NOW. There will be plenty of time for loving you for you. For now just spend time with those people who kind of like one or two aspects of you and call it good. FRANK THOUGHTS: All that advice goes out the window if what you’re really asking is, “I’m super ugly. Is it too much to ask that people sex me anyway?” In that case, hit the gym.

k ran F ask om k .c a qk@uestion pustal m a c y m fran

Yo Frank,

I’ve heard that the dye in Mountain Dew works as birth control. True? Caitlin I’ve heard that too. You know what else I hear works well as birth control? BIRTH CONTROL! Cripes sake, you’ve got free health insurance as long as you’re here. Stop messing around with urban legends and use something that SCIENCE actually backs up. FRANK WISDOM: Mountain Dew does not protect against sexually transmitted diseases. Seriously kids, put on the rubber.

Hey Frank,

Is a friend’s ex-boyfriend fair game if SHE dumped HIM? Miranda As far as I’m concerned, yes. Then again I’m not the one you have to worry about keying your car. Perhaps you should have this conversation with your friend. To make sure she’s cool with it, sure, but also, there’s probably a REASON she dumped his ass. Might be a good idea to find out if a black eye or trip to the pharmacy for “special shampoo” are in your future. FRANK WISDOM: Special shampoo makes no one feel special. Always ALWAYS wear a rubber, kids.

Follow Frank on Twitter @FrankCabDriver 20

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february 2013

Totally useless fact: Under EC law it is legal to have sex with inflatable dolls in the street.


hahahaha

Remember

send all jokes to funny@mycampus talk.com and you could win a Campus Talk t-shirt.

The best way to a man’s heart is to saw his breastplate open.

How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.

A new business was opening and one of the owner’s friends sent flowers for the occasion. But when the owner read the card with the flowers, it said, “Rest In Peace”. The owner was a little peeved and he called the florist to complain. After he told the florist about the obvious mistake, the florist said, “Sir I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, “Congratulations On Your New Location”.

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, “Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!” The passenger apologized and said, “I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much.” The driver replied, “Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I’ve been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years.”

Q: How do crazy people go through the forest? A: They take the psycho path.

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids.

Totally useless fact: Humans are the only animals to sleep on their backs.

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february 2013

21


MEN ON FILM! By Ami Gavarian

10

Films Every Guy MUST Watch In every man’s life, there comes a time when a clichéd one-liner or a small monologue from a famous film is the only suitable response in a conversation. You know… kind of like “You’re killing me, Smalls!” or “Say hello to my little friend.”

Here before you lies the ultimate doctrine of guy films that MUST be viewed in order for any self-respecting dude to truly walk amongst his brethren as a “man.”

I’m not sure what’s more believable… that Sly Stallone actually had to prepare for the role of a slapped-around idiot or that Philly is realistically nice to its sports heroes. History has proven both to be false time after time.

The Sandlot

Animal House

The Godfather I & II

The Usual Suspects

Dazed And Confused

Caddyshack

Goodfellas

Top Gun

Scarface

Face facts: Wendy Peffercorn is to sexy as Paris Hilton is to annoying, entitled, talentless… ok, you get the picture. But what really draws guys to this all-time classic is the seamless blend of sports and nostalgia. And Wendy Peffercorn.

Never before has any film made guys everywhere strive to become successful thieves. With this handy visual guide, you can proudly start knocking over 7-Elevens without ever being fingered. Ha, I said fingered.

Henry Hill had it made – literally – until he became a paranoid drug addict. That sounds eerily familiar to a certain advice-giving cab driver we know. Of course, Frank’s been clean for nearly a decade. He’s also yet to shower or shave in that same timeframe. 22

Rocky

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College is all about priorities. Animal House made it perfectly clear that those priorities should never extend beyond drinking, partying and sleeping. Remember that your education is paramount to your future success… so work on your keg stands ASAP, junior!

Where else can you find a movie that features both Matthew McConaughey and Ben A$$-fleck in roles you don’t want to slap them for? Seriously, this is so monumental, a Nobel prize should’ve been awarded to the cast and crew.

When you get a chance to see Tom Cruise before he became a whacked-out nutjob, you have to pause and appreciate that moment for a second. Why? Because Cruise has deteriorated to the placenta-eating weirdo we all know now. Anyone hungry…

The next time you’re trying to bargain with someone tough, drop the “I’ll make you an offer you can’t refuse” line… then promptly watch as you get pistol-whipped by a legit gangster not fooled by your Kappa jumpsuit and Pat Riley hairdo. Kind of like Fredo.

If you’ve ever enjoyed skinny-skiing, caddied for the Dali Lama or knocked up an Irish waitress, then this is the perfect film for you. But before you watch, you may want to have that pregnancy checked out first. Especially if you’re sleeping with the golf course president’s slutty niece on the side.

Chances are you’ve got more Scarface posters on your wall than you do textbooks in your desk, backpack and closet combined. That’s okay. It just means you’re like every other guy in college – a “dirty cock-a-roach.”

Totally useless fact: Human stomachs produce a new layer of mucus every 2 weeks to stop it digesting itself.


LIVE CONCERTS

LIFEHOUSE

BOYS LIKE GIRLS

TREY SONGZ

DEMI LOVATO

SEAN KINGSTON

MATCHBOX TWENTY

PHILLIP PHILLIPS

PITBULL

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FEB 17

MAR 15

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FREEDOM… BEHIND BARS!

Prison

Work vs.

The Truth Revealed!

PRISON WORK

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…you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.

…you spend the majority of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

…you get three meals a day.

…you only get one break for one meal, and you have to pay for it.

…you get time off for good behavior.

…you get more work for good behavior.

…the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.

…you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

…you can watch TV and play games.

…you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

…you get your own toilet.

…you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.

…your family gets to visit you.

…you’re not allowed to talk to your family.

…taxpayers pay all your expenses with no work required by you.

…you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

…you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.

…you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

…you must deal with sadistic wardens.

…they are called managers.

Totally useless fact: Right-handed people live on average, 9 years longer than left-handed people


Y R A U R B E F

play with yourself

GO FIGURE

CR O S SWORD

SN OW FL AK ES

C RYPTO QUIP{

SUDOKU

Totally useless fact: More boys than girls are born during the day, but more girls are born at night.

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play with yourself

UOTE TO Q

LETTER BOX

C RYP

Wishing well

SPOT THE DIFFERENCE

TRY SQUARES 26

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Totally useless fact: Clark Gable was listed on his birth certificate as a girl.


Y R A U R FEB

you sooooo cheated

WORD HUNT!

! t o n k fear

MEGA MAZE where’s frank? Totally useless fact: Julio Iglesias once had five gallons of water flown from Miami to L.A. so he could wash his hair.

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tic tac toe!

Use this space for TIC TAC TOE, or anything else you can think of to spare the borEdom of class!

Fall Events in Gainesville

Get Out And

Feb 1 - Feb 28: Blue Trees on UF Campus Feb 9: Kanapaha Bamboo Sale Feb 9-14: Cinema Verde Film Festival Feb 10: The Chieftans Feb 16-17: Five Points of Life Race Weekend Feb 26: Creole Choir of Cuba Mar 2: Backpack w/a Ranger (Overnight) at Paynes Prairie Mar 3: Apollo’s Fire Come to the River Mar 3: Kanapaha Bamboo Sale Mar 14 - 17: NHRA GatorNationals Mar 16: Dance Alive’s Rite of Spring Mar 21: David Holt and Josh Goforth Mar 23-24: Kanapaha Spring Garden Festival

About!

Fall is an exciting time to be in Gainesville. Between UF Football, concerts, and art festivals, there’s always something going on. So take a break from campus and get out and about in Gainesville. For more information and a complete listing of events visit our website.

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VisitGainesville.com

352.374.5260

Totally useless fact: John Lennon shoplifted in Holland the harmonica he used on Love Me Do.


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Totally useless fact: Pirates wore earings because they believed it improved their eyesight.

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CUPID GETS A SHOTGUN!

Manning Up By Ami Gavarian

Valentine’s Day

Once And For All No more candy hearts and boxes of chocolate. No more overpriced flowers that will die as quickly as the fleeting romance between you and your hook-up (translation: one-night stand). And definitely no more pink. For crissake, no more freaking pink! No, this is Valentine’s Day… dude style. There won’t be any sappy chick flicks. You can forget about sharing a romantic dinner for two at a restaurant where the specialty is the chef’s salad. It’s time to guy-ify this holiday and take back what’s been denied to us for ages. It’s time to man up V-Day!

Nighttime

Dinner

Gift

Instead of giving meaningless crap like sweets, stuffed animals and $500 necklaces, get your girl something she could actually use… like cooking lessons. Hell, she doesn’t even need to get you a gift in return. It’s the gift that keeps on giving. 30

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Why is it that girls always expect to spend V-Day at some fancy French bistro with a name you can never pronounce? It’s not like she knows how to order anything besides the crepes. This year, take your girl to an all-youcan-eat ribs and chicken joint. Let the love smear all over her face as she inhales three whole chickens and at least half of Babe’s immediate family in one sitting.

Movie

Flicks like The Notebook and Love… Actually may have flown in the past. Not now, though. Anything other than a Judd Apatow comedy, Quentin Tarantino film or Van Damme marathon is simply unacceptable! You might as well be taking a bubble bath by yourself with Tori Amos playing in the background.

She wants you to be slow and passionate. She wants you to gently kiss her neck and whisper sweet nothings in her ear. That gets you about as excited as watching Paula Dean lather her naked body in mayonnaise. Bring out some handcuffs, a leather whip… maybe even another person. This is supposed to be a day for love, right? Well, share the damn love! Make like Lewis and Clark and explore new terrains! Besides… sexual shyness is akin to fake orgasms, awkward noises and a semester’s worth of financial aid being spent on hookers.

Of course, we all know how V-Day will really play out. You’ll stock up on Whitman’s, roses and cantaloupe-scented candles. You’ll dine out at Chateau Le Flurrrrrrrrrr and order something you’re pretty sure is frog’s legs. You’ll even go see a double-feature of – you guessed it – The Notebook and Love… Actually. If only there truly were a day of affection dedicated solely to the hairier of genders… Oh wait, there’s always Steak and a BJ day on March 14th!

Totally useless fact: Mel Gibson broke the school record for the most strappings in a week – 27.


Booking Without the Blunder! How to

Avoid Travel

Booking

M istakes from VirtualTourist With rates swelling and a constant barrage of news stories about flight delays, it’s no wonder there seems to be a continuous flow of complaining about travel. But it doesn’t have to be a complete headache. With 10 easy steps, the editors and members of VirtualTourist, the premier resource for travelers seeking an insider’s perspective, have compiled a list of “Ten Tips to Avoid Travel Booking Mistakes.” Tip 1. READ THE FINE PRINT The most glaring and common mistake is to not read the Terms & Conditions page thoroughly. Travelers are often upset because they booked their flight/room/ tour thinking it was at a great price, only to learn later that for this “price,” the reservation is non-refundable or only partly so after a certain date. Another common mistake is a great flight deal that turns out not so great once the long list of extra fees are tacked onto the total. Tip 2. CHECK YOUR HOTEL LOCATION BEFORE BOOKING When booking online, make sure to map your prospective hotel to see exactly where it is located before booking. Sure, it can be vaguely listed as Paris/London/ San Francisco/Toronto, but in actuality, it can be on the fringes of nowhere, far away from frequent public transit or any of the sites you came to see. Another common mistake is numbered streets – you might assume 7th street is all one area, but in fact, South and North can completely change an address in many cities. A great deal on a hotel can be blown quickly in transportation to and from where you need to be.

Tip 3. MAKE SURE YOU’RE BOOKING FOR THE RIGHT CITY One of the worst mistakes a traveler can make when booking online is not properly reading the country they are destined to. Can you image booking a trip to Paris to see the Eiffel Tower and ending up in Texas? Always make sure to read, and re-read, your final destination before booking. Tip 4. ALWAYS DO YOUR OWN COMPARISONS When comparing prices, don’t believe any internet service or site that claims they have the lowest or best priced packages until you have visited the competition’s sites, and when possible, the ultimate service provider’s internet site. Tip 5. KNOW YOUR BOOKING OPERATOR When booking a package with a travel agency, make sure you understand the difference between an agent that does all the work personally, and an agent that farms out needed services to others. Also, read the About Us section. If an agency has a genuine history on the About Us page, it gives them credibility. If the “how long have you been in business” portion is vague and filled with “testimonials” instead of a solid history, this is not a good sign.

Totally useless fact: xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Tip 6. PAY ATTENTION TO FLIGHT DETAILS Before booking a flight with a “budget airline,” it’s a good idea to check the airport’s page about its connections, or to do a map search to find out where exactly this airport is situated. Be careful about the flight times. Not all sites use “military time,” so sometimes 12:30 may mean just after midnight. Also, if you are flying to a different time zone, make sure you take into consideration time lost or gained in travel when booking your next leg: once you arrive in London, it may be a different day, so make sure that is reflected in your next flight to your final destination. Another trick: Low priced flights may occur because of the potential for expensive or very inconvenient arrival times, like public service trains or buses not running at that time, or needing to spend a layover in the very early morning for 4 hours before the next flight. Carefully consider whether a flight that requires an airport transfer is worth the savings and hassle after you subtract the transfer costs that are not covered by the airlines. Also, be aware that if you have to re-check your bags after a long layover or break in travel that you may encounter very different luggage limits on local flights even if you are traveling on the same airline. Tip 7. LOOK FOR EXTRA FEES Pay close attention to rental car charges, especially when traveling to different countries. Required insurance, unexpected taxes, and any kind of “extra” fees may appear, even if you have pre-paid. Tip 8. BE PREPARED Be prepared, at least mentally, for what you will do if the promised services do not materialize. A great example: if you bought traveler’s insurance, know the detailed procedure you will have to follow to make a successful claim if the airlines, your travel agency, or hotel operator do not make good on their promises. This procedure will be found in the smallest print in your insurance document.

Tip 9. KNOW THE DISTANCE When planning your activities, make sure you understand how far away everything is from each other and how you will get there. You don’t want to book something only to later learn that you can’t make it in time, a road is closed that season of the year, or you’ve schedule many of your activities far away from your home base. Tip 10. READ THE FINE PRINT Read, read, read before you book! While our members can’t influence the timeliness of your flight provider or the quality of snacks available during your layover, we hope these suggestions and tips ensure that at least when you book your flight this holiday season, it won’t cause as big of a headache as it used to! VirtualTourist.com is the premier resource for travelers seeking an insider’s perspective. Real travel tips, reviews and photos from real people who have actually been there and done that; this is what makes the travel content on VirtualTourist so useful! If you have any questions or would like to use the photos, please feel free to contact me at blake@VirtualTourist.com. campus talk

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History Lesson After the battles of Lexington and Concord, the American militia had succeeded in trapping the British army inside Boston. The British commander General Thomas Gage decided to bust out of the city by seizing the Charlestown Peninsula on the northern side of Boston Harbor. Too bad the American boys had pretty much the same idea. On June 16, 1775 a group of militiamen snuck onto the peninsula under cover of darkness and began digging a makeshift fort atop Breed’s Hill. Nobody knows what General Gage said upon waking the next morning to discover the Americans had gotten the jump on him, though I imagine it went something like, “SON…OF…A…B****!”

Everything you

need to know about THE BATTLE OF BUNKER HILL …in 500 words or less. The British navy hurled cannonballs at the militia, waiting six whole hours before their infantry finished sipping tea and mounted their attack. When the redcoats touched soil they came equipped with wool tunics (even though summer was right around the corner) and packs weighing sixty pounds each (even though they were charging up a hill). The massive wall of soldiers made the Americans soil their knickers and beg for reinforcements, but their backup forces a few clicks north on Bunker Hill balked at the appeal… though they did send over a case of Sam Adam’s Lager for moral support. Round about this time somebody in the American camp realized they were short on gunpowder, prompting General Israel Putnam to order: “Don’t fire until you can see the 32

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whites of their eyes.” There’s a dispute as to who actually delivered that famous line, but the sentiment was clear: “Um… dudes? I don’t wanna be a buzzkill or anything but they’ve got like a bazillion professional soldiers and we’ve got like no gunpowder… I mean like none. So it would be pretty super cool if you could like, you know… not shoot at them until you’re pretty certain you’re not gonna miss, m-kay?” So they waited while the British charged. Then they waited some more because, let’s face it, when you’re carrying sixty-pounds on your back, you’re not really “charging” so much as trudging. And when those baby blues came into view, one thousand patriots stood up and mowed down the front line at point blank range. As the top heavy redcoats

rolled back down the hill, onlookers in neighboring Charlestown got in on the fun, taking potshots at them while yelling, “Yankees Suck!” – a move deemed “wicked retahded” after the British navy retaliated by burning Charlestown to the ground. When the second British charge went about as well as the first, somebody got the notion: “Hey, we’d probably move a lot faster if we weren’t carrying a freakin’ refrigerator on our back!” The redcoats broke through on the third charge, forcing the powderless militia to retreat into nearby Cambridge and giving the Brits control of the peninsula. Of course way more of their soldiers had died than Americans. So it was a redcoat victory, but come on, that’s like saying Apollo Creed really won the fight in Rocky 1.

Totally useless fact: Sir Winston Churchill smoked an estimated 300,000 cigars in his lifetime.


Stamina Assistant 

Directions: Cut out. put on pillow.


JUST DO IT!

5

Things

mplish You MUST Acco n

atio Before Gradu

nd goes e comes a our g e ll co , y ’s virginit has settled on y as in y socialite am Like a sex ver realize the fo ustle around to fit e ra b u e e o le y w , ta h re y c ir fo u be this fa er. As s e re b fo h d e ic b re h s u w fresh-po rable experience it as a rat race in ere h , o f rs o m e k e d in a m h many , loyal re plish t end. T ll p e ru W b . a lf e n a rs m comes to eting against you s you MUST acco is ing mp you’re co table list of five th tance. Consider th pu ms is an indis at pomp and circu e real world. th th g n ll a ri te re n befo efore e b m a x e l your fina

Game On

Road Trippin’

No, this doesn’t need to involve a mistakenly mailed sex tape and Tom Green, but it should involve a cheap, rented RV, tons of SPAM and/or cup o’ noodles, and your closest friends. A road trip is an all-expenses-paid excuse to make an ass out of yourself in cities and states other than your own… then have those moments broadcast to the world via YouTube. Or Girls Gone Wild.

You Must Pub Crawl Before You Can Walk

Even the biggest lush in your social circle hasn’t been to every bar or club in town. Take these last few weeks of college to explore and imbibe… you may stumble upon a dive bar made specifically with your interests in mind. You know, like the microbrewery that performs Broadway show tunes every hour on the hour with full makeup and choreography. Don’t worry… we’re not judging.

It’s easy to forget about academics, scholarships, textbook prices and all other things educational when your university has a decent athletics program. Maybe that’s why everyone’s huddled in the basketball arena during finals week or putting on face paint when they should be churning out page after page of that thesis paper. It’s safe to assume that society would crumble as we know it without college athletics. Ironically, the economic downturn began while college basketball and football were in their respective off-seasons.

A Blind Eye To Dating

Shed your tepid inhibitions and let that friend of yours with 2,000 Facebook friends set you up with a random coed for a fun night of winin’ and dinin’. Who knows, you could end up with your dream date… or you could end up with herpes. That’s the fun of a blind date! Just make sure you’re not, um, already in a relationship beforehand.

Totally useless fact: Elvis Presley’s hip-wiggling started out as a srage fright. He was so nervous, that his legs would shake.

Sleeping With The Enemy

Really, there is no greater collegiate coup than sleeping with your TA, professor, lecturer or whatever other “esteemed” title is bestowed upon your educator to make him or her seem more important. Not only is it the most effective method to guarantee yourself an A in class, but sleeping with the faculty is certain to boost your sex appeal amongst your peers on campus. Experience is priceless!

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35


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38

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Totally useless fact: Cherâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s parents married and divorced each other three times.


damned you siri

Totally useless fact: Volleyball is the most popular sport at nudist camps.

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39


charted

REASONS I DONT FEEL BAD ABOUT DOWNLOADING MUSIC ILLEGALLY

FINAL EXAMS

Things in the course

Things I Studied

Things on the Exam MTV Cribs

HOW TO WAKE LADY GAGA FROM A NAP

Yell “Gaga”!

Set the alarm

40

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february 2013

Throw ice water in the bed

WHAT A BACHELORS DEGREE DOES

Shake her

P-p-p-poke her face

Helps me get a Job

Looks Nice on the Wall

Totally useless fact: Mike Myers (a.k.a. Austin Powers) is descended from William Wordsworth.


funny stuff!

Scheck-isms by john scheck

They say that the longest journey begins with a single step…but most of the time it requires a long bus ride. My advice to everyone is to never take a dump on a bus… especially if they don’t have a restroom!

Every Day is Gameday

In Gainesville every day is Gameday, only the venues change! So whether you love going outdoors or simply going out to eat, we’ve got just what you’re looking for. Paddle the Santa Fe River, dine at one of our delicious local restaurants or search for treasures at local boutiques and vintage shops downtown. Gainesville, where nature and culture meet.

VisitGainesville.com

Totally useless fact: Michelangelo’s cook was illiterate, so he drew her a shopping list, which today is priceless.

352.374.5260

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41


it’s a curling iron burn! Excuses:

Mixed Martial Arts and Jiu Jitsu are becoming very popular with the same age group prone to hickeys. Bruising happens all too often from a standard practice. Give the “I was UFC fighting” excuse and start a whole new conversation on how much of a bad ass you are! With women’s MMA classes offered at gyms like F2 Arena in Gainesville and The Jungle MMA in Orlando, the excuse works just as well for women. Vacuum injuries are not common so be careful whom you try to fool. Attempt this on the gullible. Avoid this excuse with law or medical students. Go for it with any social science major. Claim that while vacuuming, you wanted to see if the lint on your shirt would come off and you missed and it sucked your neck. No possibility of lint? Then try saying you wanted to see if a vacuum could get out wrinkles like an iron.

Beware the hickey, a sign of sloppy, thoughtless making out with inexperienced undergrads. Avoid 18 year olds on their first year of underage drinking if hickeys are unwanted. Hickeys change into bite marks, as the freak-in-the-sheets gets older. When capillaries near the skin rupture and bleed from suction, the result is a bruise. Hickeys can last up to two weeks. They are easily noticed because facial hair doesn’t tend to grow on the neck (or for you girls, hopefully not at all), and the Florida heat keeps young people scantily clad.

Paintballs cause the perfect size, shape and color of a hickey mark. Commercial paintball fields require competitors to wear a neck protector to avoid airway injuries so keep that in mind when telling the location of where this ‘battle’ took place.

The Ultimate Guide

to Hide and Go Treat a Hickey Ways to Hide:

Scarves can cover them up, but again, it is way too hot and the questioning of outfit choice would cause aggravation. Turtle necks could cover it up, but the men wearing these may never get a hickey again because nobody wants to make out with a Grandma’s boy. The only sexy turtlenecks are the ones worn by the USC cheerleaders and Archer. Band-Aids can hide them as well. Make sure you have an extravagant but believable story to back it up. Guys can blame it on shaving or handyman repairs around the apartment. Ladies need something traumatic like a snake or spider bite. A Sage and Vinegar poultice is the ancient remedy. Back then it was not for hickeys but rather general bruising. Grind the sage as close to powder form as possible and add hot vinegar; the amount should be just enough to create a paste. This will be soaked 42

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into gauze or a cloth and placed on the hickey. I have never tried it nor do I know anyone who has, so attempt at your own risk. Aloe Vera gel can help speed the healing process by 30–50 percent. The ice/heat method is another option. Ice can be used in the first 48 hours. Simply wrap one ice cube in a napkin and hold on hickey for 20 minutes. Do this a few times a day for the first two days. The heat application is on the third day until it disappears. Use a hot compress for 10–20 minutes on the bruised area to increase blood flow. Massage hickey to spread out bruising. When in doubt, use camouflage. Put on foundation makeup. If you’re a man then ask any girl with whom you are not trying to hook up. I assume that at least 75 percent of hickeys are on men. You should probably ask the girl to put it on in exchange for the erotic tale of your hickey origin.

Tanning sprays and lotions are increasing in sales with the hype of melanoma skin cancer. Try a spray tan mist or rubbing a bronzer lotion around the area so it blends. If it does not cover it up, then blame it on a bad spray or allergic reaction to the tanner. The idea of this article came after listening to a radio morning show. This lady called in thinking her husband was cheating and then realized her newborn was turning towards any part of skin and sucking. She saw her infant in action and then halted all accusations of cheating by her husband, who turned from cheat-fest king to number one dad in a matter of seconds.

If all else fails:

Admit to the hickey in a cute and clever way. Vampires are popular these days, so claim you’re the helpless victim of a vampire attack. Nowadays vampires are becoming sexy and loved by young girls. I was forced to watch Twilight New Moon in theaters by my ex-girlfriend and was very uncomfortable when a vampire would take off his shirt and I heard “I would tear that boy up” by some random girl in the audience. This vampire trend makes me wonder if the rising popularity of zombies will ever create a similar sex appeal for girls.

Fact

Hickeys are a sign of possession and a mild form of sadism: deriving pleasure from inflicting pain. Biting is a stronger form of sadism.

Totally useless fact: Banging your head against a wall uses a 150 calories an hour.


We can help you find your way to your next apartment…

WWW.COLLEGERENTALS.COM


CONGRATULATIONS This award is presented to:

Award 2012

Valentine’s Date Couple

I

n recognition of your outstanding commitment to each other and society’s unabashed intentions. You don’t need just ‘some day’ to go out on a date, you have to go out on the mother of all the stereotypical, couple-oriented, chocolate-candy-covered holidays. Instead of being unique in your reverence toward one another, you eagerly succumb to a lifestyle of artificiality. Maybe somewhere down the road, you can even work up the nerve to actually propose... and you could do it on VALENTINE’S DAY! That would be so original! presented by signed date


beauty by Emily Alter

spring beauty Lotion Lab Intensive Lotion Wipes

Moisturizing yet non-greasy, these wipes will be your lifesaver when you’re on the go and in need of moisture for your skin! Keep them in your purse, in your car, or in your bathroom and you’ll be prepared for anything. $5.99 drugstores and globalbeautycare.com

SHE by SO.CAP. USA Argan Oil

Give your hair the treatment and wellness it deserves with this light hair oil made from natural Argan berries. Don’t fret, this oil won’t actually leave your hair oily, it will help your hair to look healthy, mend split ends and maintain its gorgeous shine! $12–35 various sizes, salons across the U.S. socapusa.com

Treatment for Curly Hair Conditioner with Keratin Control those curls and lock in moisture with this daily conditioner. Enriched with keratin for a glossy feel with rich shine! $5.99 Walgreens, nuNAAT.com

Treatment for curly hair shampoo with Keratin

Hydrate those wavy locks with this daily shampoo to restore and increase moisture with Keratin and Cupuaçu Butter. The extended moisturizing formula will leave your hair frizz-free! $5.99 Walgreens, nuNAAT.com 46

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Love True Natural True Beauty Box in “Flirt”

Want new cosmetics each month with personalized colors chosen just for you by makeup experts? Who wouldn’t?! Introducing the True Beauty Box by Love True Natural, a monthly subscription to beauty products and cosmetics sent with full-sized products plus an array of samples. Choose from the Flirt ($30/ month), Indulge ($40/month) or the Veganista ($30/month) all offered with 3-, 6- or 12-month prepaid programs! Not sure which one is for you or which colors to try? That’s where the personalization comes in; preregister and take the True Beauty Quiz to find out which box kit is perfect for you! Flirt box includes Benecos lipgloss, lipliner and lipstick, Lavera mascara, and Sante lipstick. $30/month truebeautybox.com, lovetruenatural.com

Glop and Glam Watermelon Hard Candy Gel Sweet juicy watermelon combined with a light, non-flaky gel will have your hair smelling and looking great! This all natural styling gel is strong enough to hold your hair in place, while leaving it soft and touchable. $16 glopandglam.com

Curl Recovery Whipped Curls Conditioner and primer

This daily conditioner moisturizes and truly conditions your curls to look amazing! Green Tea extract and shea butter combine to create a dense non greasy formula great for all hair types! $26 ULTA and ouidad.com

Crabtree & Evelyn Tarocco Orange Body Scrub

Rejuvenate your skin with the deep cleansing Vitamin C of the Tarocco Orange in this scrub! Enriched with eucalyptus and sage, your skin will be refreshed and uplifted. $26 crabtree-evelyn.com

Totally useless fact: On average, a drop of Heinz tomato ketchup leaves the bottle at a speed of 25 miles per year!


beauty

WE DELIVER! RELISH2GO.COM DELIVERYFEEsNOHIDDENFEES MUSTBEPLACEDONLINEATRELISHGOCOM

FREE KOOZIE W/ONLINE ORDER China Glaze Tranzitions in Split Perso-Nail-Ity

Make your nails pop from sweet light pink to a bright juicy plum after adding the China Glaze Top Coat. Either one you choose, your nails will be February-ready! $7 Sally Beauty Supply

China Glaze Tranzitions in Metallic Metamorphosis

Need new jewelry? Just paint your nails instead in this fierce metallic shade! Changes from silvery gray to hard steel after the China Glaze Top Coat is added! $7 Sally Beauty Supply

China Glaze Tranzitions in Duplicity

Try something new with this trendy seafoam green hue! After adding the China Glaze Top Coat, this minty color changes to a deeper chartreuse! $7 Sally Beauty Supply

CAMPUS 201SE 2nd Ave 352.692.4400

Totally useless fact: If you mouth the word â&#x20AC;&#x153;colourfulâ&#x20AC;? to someone, it looks like you are saying â&#x20AC;&#x153;I love youâ&#x20AC;?.

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BAGS? CHECK. FOOD? CHECK

Dorm Room Checklist Submitted by ecampus.com

Bedding, Storage, Decorations 2 sets of twin bed sheets 2 standard pillows Mattress pad Duvet cover Hangers Trash can Desk lamp Area lamp Laundry bag/ basket Storage Bulletin board Stacked desk trays Mini-fridge Rug Coffee maker Posters

Picture frames Dry-erase boards Bulletin boards Calendar Shoe hanger Electronics Extension cords Cable cord Internet cord Alarm clock Laptop Headphones iPod iPod dock Cell phone & charger TV Printer DVD player

Camera Microwave Fan Vacuum Bath/Beauty Shower shoes Shower carrier Robe Towels Smaller face towels Shampoo & conditioner Body & face soap Hair products Toothbrush & Toothpaste Comb or Brush Nail Kit Hair Dryer Shaving Razors

Lotion Q-tips Desk Supplies Mini-stapler Notebooks Pens & pencils Highlighters Binder with dividers LOTS of notecards Post-its Printer paper Book tabs Laptop bag Extras Air freshener Plastic plates, bowls utensils Coffee Mug

To-go coffee mug Water bottle Tool kit Tide-to-go Lint roller Sewing kit Vitamins Aspirin or Ibuprofen M  edical kit (Neosporin, Band-aids, etc.) Paper towels Trash Bags Light bulbs All-purpose cleaner Laundry detergent Tape or other wall Adhesive Hanging hooks Pictures

Must Haves Gator Locator Map (to help you find you way around and to save money)

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Campus Talk Magazine (for laughter and entertainment)

Gator Country Magazine (to keep up with Gator sports)

College Rentals (for finding an apartment next year)

Gator Bucks (for saving money around town)

Totally useless fact: The only 15-letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is â&#x20AC;&#x153;uncopyrightableâ&#x20AC;?.


POINTS OF VIEW

POINTS OF VIEW optimist The glass is half-full.

REALIST

Yep. That’s the glass alright.

capitalist

If I bottled this and gave it a New Agesounding name, I could make a fortune.

Conspiracist The government is fluoridating the water for mind-control purposes.

nihlist

The glass does not exist, and neither do I.

pessamist The glass is half-empty.

idealist

One day, cold fusion from a glass of water will provide unlimited energy and end war.

communist

This drink belongs to every single one of us in equal measure.

Sexist

This glass isn’t gonna refill itself, honeybun…

opportunist

There’s a funny t-shirt in here somewhere.

Totally useless fact: Wayne Static (from staticX) uses glue to stick his hair up.

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RIDDLE ME THIS!

MIND

I build up castles . I tear down moun I make some men tains. I help others to blind, see. What am I?

#1

GAMES in in a r b r u o y p e e k To ing g n u lo e il h w e p sha on your couch…

1) Sand, 2) The letter ‘r’, 3) A hole, 4) Halfway. After he gets halfway, he’s walking out of the forest, 5) A teapot

‘T’, What starts with a ends with a ‘T’, and has ‘T’ in it?

#5

#2

corner, a n i o Tw room, a n i e on , a house er. n i o r e z lt in a she e n o t bu I? What am

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#3

it weighs It cannot be seen, put into a nothing, but when lighter. barrel, it makes it What is it?

#4

How far will a blind dog walk into a forest ?

Totally useless fact: The letter combination ‘ough’ can be pronounced in nine different ways.


hahahaha Any woman that thinks the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach is Two factory workers are talking. aiming just a little too high. The woman says, “I can make the boss give me the day off.” The man replies, “And how would you do that?”

Remember

send all jokes to funny@mycampus talk.com and you could win a Campus Talk t-shirt.

The woman says, “Just wait and see.” She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and says, “What are you doing?” The woman replies, “I’m a light bulb.”

Q: What do you say to a sorority girl that won’t give in? A: “Have another beer.” Q: Why does a sorority girl wear underwear? A: To keep her ankles warm.

Q: How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus? A: At the circus the clowns don’t talk. Q: What’s the difference between a sorority girl and a Rolls-Royce? A: Not everybody has been in a Rolls-Royce.

The boss then says, “You’ve been working so much that you’ve gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off.”

Tried in a hostile town, a guy didn’t think he had a chance of getting off a murder charge, so shortly before the jury retired he bribed one of the jurors to find him guilty of the lesser crime of manslaughter.

The man starts to follow her and the boss says, “Where are you going?”

The jury was out for over three days before eventually returning a verdict of manslaughter. The relieved defendant collared the bribed juror and said: “Thanks. How ever did you manage it?”

The man says, “I’m going home, too. I can’t work in the dark.”

“It wasn’t easy,” admitted the juror. “All the others wanted to acquit you.”

Totally useless fact: Every time you lick a stamp you consume one-tenth of a calorie.

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Music Reviews

By Daniel Sutphin

Tune In Turn On Plug In

West of Memphis: Voices For Justice Inspired by West of Memphis, a documentary film written and directed by Academy Award nominated filmmaker, Amy Berg and produced by Peter Jackson and Fran Walsh, Damien Echols and Lorri Davis, the compilation album teams a variety of artists – Bob Dylan, Patti Smith, Lucinda Williams, Eddie Vedder, Tonto’s Giant Nuts featuring Johnny Depp, Band of Horses, and others – in protest and support of the West Memphis 3 who were wrongfully imprisoned and sentenced to death in 1993. Standouts include a haunting version of Pink Floyd’s “Mother” by Natalie Maines of the Dixie Chicks, “Satellite” by Eddie Vedder, “Dumpster World” by Band of Horses and a cover of Mumford and Sons “Little Lion Man” by Johnny Depp’s band Tonto’s Giant Nuts. 52

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2Cellos In2ition An innovative classicalpop/rock duo, 2Cellos consists of Luka Sulic and Stjepan Hauser. The two accomplished musicians took their classical instrument into the contemporary genre. In doing so, the duo blends a mix of classical, blues, rock and jazz for a fresh take on contemporary songs, pumped through a variety of pedals and production for a vast span of gritty, distorted tones, as well as the smooth, natural sound for which the cello is known. Standouts include Fleetwood Mac’s “Oh, Well,” featuring Elton John, Coldplay’s “Clocks,” featuring classical pianist Lang Lang, Muse’s “Supermassive Black Hole,” featuring Naya Rivera and Nancy Sinatra’s “Bang Bang” featuring Sky Ferreira.

Boys Like Girls Crazy World LP Sonically, the new LP from Boys Like Girls is a solid, well-produced listen. The songwriting harkens back to their beginnings with a blend of emo-pop, punk and country. Lyrically, the radio-ready pop songs remain attached to the same teenage love-lost angst that helped bring the band (and the emo-pop genre) to the forefront of contemporary music. The combination leads to a shiny set of songs that, although well polished, lack substance. The style combination blends well on “Take Me Home” and “Life of the Party.”

Trash Talk 119 Energy runs high on “119.” The music is heavy, fast and gritty, and is certain to stir a riotous nature in every listener. With every song under 3 minutes, Trash Talk fires through a rush of straightforward, hardcore tunes. The album as a whole moves well and prevents any attempt at a dull moment. Mentionable songs include “Exile on Broadway” and “F.E.B.N.” The nature of this album, however, also stands as its undoing, as none of the songs are very developed. But if a brief, high-octane energy rush was their goal, then mission accomplished.

Band of Bitches The Pre-End of the World Soundtrack Not much is known of this masked quintet. At its basis, the music is mostly rock with influences of Latin music, dance, funk and R&B, with a mix of electronic sounds and cues, including 80s robot-sounding voices in the track “Confidential.” Overall, it’s an entertaining album, but one that leaves the listener wondering if the group has an amazing sense of humor, or is being serious in their efforts. Standouts include the previously mention “Confidential” (the robot voice really sucks you in), “Band of Bitches,” and “Rock and Roll is Obscene.”

Totally useless fact: Permanent marker is not actually permanent.


Totally useless fact: The shortest poem ever goes ‘Adam, hae’em’.

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game on!

Sore Thumbs By Daniel Sutphin

Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance PS3, Xbox 360, PC February 19 Players take the role as Raiden, a deadly child solider known as ‘Jack the Ripper’ in the First Liberian Civil War. Blending his combat skills with a cyborg body, his high-frequency blade can even slice massive assault drones in two. Although contracted for VIP protection, military training and other duties, a mysterious force of countless cyborgs stands to clash with Raiden in the redeveloping country. 54

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Dead Space 3 PS3, Xbox 360, PC February 5 On a voyage across space to find the source of the Necromorph outbreak, Isaac Clarke and John Carver crash-land on the frozen planet of Tau Volantis. There, Isaac must search the severe environment for raw materials and parts to create weapons and tools. The ice planet holds the secret to ending the Necromorph plague, but the duo must survive the planet first. Due to the seamless drop in, drop out co-op feature, players can team up or go it alone as Isaac. The elements and gameplay are particular to each mode.

Crysis 3 PS3, Xbox 360, PC February 19 In the year 2047, Prophet returns to New York to find the city enclosed in a Nanodome created by the corrupt Cell Corporation. The New York City Liberty Dome is an urban rainforest teeming with overgrown trees, dense swamplands and raging rivers. With a lethal composite bow, an enhanced Nanosuit and alien tech, Prophet becomes the deadliest hunter on the planet. Prophet embarks on a revenge mission after uncovering the truth behind Cell Corporation’s motives for building the quarantined Nanodomes.

Aliens: Colonial Marines PS3, Xbox 360, PC February 12 As part of a United States Colonial Marine squad, players must prepare to fight an even more devastating Aliens assault. Weaponry features include the classic Aliens artillery ranging from pulse rifles to flamethrowers, as well as brand-new equipment. Players can launch a story driven single-player mode or a four-player co-op mode.

Sly Cooper: Thieves in Time PS3, Vita February 5 In a new time-traveling adventure, Sly Cooper and his friends Bentley and Murray return for the franchise’s most ambitious game yet with re-designed characters, expanded worlds, more detailed and dense environments, and real-world physics for a realistic gaming experience. Thieves in Time also stays true to the franchise’s gampelay style of blending stealth, thievery, exploration, and combat.

Totally useless fact: To convert milli-inches to micrometres you must times by 25.4


CRIMINALLY CREATIVE!

Little Sweat Shop Of Horrors

Like we’ve mentioned before in other articles, we’re all about cutting the deficit from inside our prison walls. With that in mind, it’s time we stopped outsourcing jobs to places like China and started taking advantage of cheap labor right here in America. Take that, free market economics!

Bait And Hook

For years, scientists have been trying to determine exactly what attracts sharks to humans. Let’s get some definitive results once and for all. Cell blocks A and B will be kickers and splashers, cell blocks C and D will lay motionless in the water. The guys on death row can cattle prod the sharks to see what their reactions are.

Suit Up!

There are some jobs no one wants to do… not even the kids desperate enough to take a $5/ hour gig cleaning the bathrooms at truck stops. Then there’s those company mascots who have to stand out on the street corners all day. What better way to humiliate society’s degenerates than by having them dress like cereal-selling toucans with rainbow-colored beaks?

Practice Makes Perfect As it stands, our law enforcers practice combat situations on their padded peers. That makes as much sense as forgoing the rubber when shacking up with the campus hottie. Who’s got plenty of time on their hands and tons of experience previously being beaten by officers? Well, aside from child actors… PRISONERS! By Ami Gavarian

Dead Man Testing

Crash Into Me

To Better Use Our Inmates

With climate change, go green and carbon footprints streaming across our collective conscious 24/7, it’s all about reusing, reducing and recycling. With that in mind, let’s save a lil’ plastic by substituting prisoners for crash test dummies. If you can survive a prison riot, you can handle a car going into a brick wall at 85mph… probably.

If we’re going to keep spending our hardearned tax dollars on lowlife criminals, we might as well get some bang for our bucks. That’s why CT’s come up with this list of hilarious ideas for inmates across America. The way we see it, felons should still contribute something to society. If Australia can form a country by importing convicts, we can definitely get a few laughs out of ‘em.

Bring our boys home… and send some inmates in their place. You’ve gotta figure most of these cons have prior experience handling automatic weapons and hotwiring battle tanks, right? If not, well, there goes overcrowding in local prisons!

New and Improved Ways PETA Friendly!

Little rats are finally safe now that we’re conducting scientific testing on human inmates. It won’t be any more harmful to the prisoners than what they’re subjected to on a daily basis in the showers…

Totally useless fact: There is an average of 3000 feet of electrical wiring in every car.

An Army Of Cons

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e v a S 9! $22 N

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get these in your life! By Daniel Sutphin

Bracketron Sport Case with Belt Clip With a portable, soft-sided design, Bracketron’s new Sport Case is a perfect add-on for outdoor and recreational use. The water-resistant universal sport case provides protection for iPhone, smartphones, iPod Touch & MP3 players, while allowing for Full touch screen control for taking phone calls, texting or email. www.bracketron.com

iWALK: Extreme Series Universal Backup Batteries Featuring nine compact models and equipped with LED battery charge and discharge level indicator, iWalk’s series of universal back up batteries stands as the industry’s largest selection of portable batteries for all electronics, including laptops. $39.99 www.iwalkusa.com

Seidio Obex for iPhone 5 Desipte the internal advances of smart

phones, their external fragility remains a crucial drawback. Preventing destruction, however, comes easy with the Seidio Obex. The Obex offers unbeatable, extreme protection against water, snow, mud and other liquids. The case passed the IP68 rating which means it is both dust-tight and protected against total submersion in water. The anti-reflection glass doesn’t cause any interference with the camera lens, and the acrylic glass screen protector sits flush with the screen so it does not leave behind any watermark effects. $79.95 www.seidio.com/obex

iWalk Amour

Equipped with a microphone and a multifunction remote control for smart devices, the iWalk Amour provides sound quality with soft molding ear inserts for maximum comfort and noise isolation. The Amour comes with a tangle-free cord and gold plated tips to prevent corrosion. $79.99 www.iwalkusa.com

A4tech Bloody Ultra Core 3 Allowing users to adjust the shooting rate and recoil-suppression without additional software, the

Bloody Ultra Core3 gaming mouse features A4tech‘s Pinpoint Optic technology. Gamers can base their game play option on personal preferences. The auto recoil-suppression concentrates the impact path to guarantee improved headshot rates. The mouse also features real-time trajectory adjustment to rectify trajectory and increase shooting accuracy. The Bloody Ultra Core 3 gaming mouse is also equipped with Oscar Macro Editing software, allowing users to edit their own macros. www.a4-tech.us

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Totally useless fact: Tommy Lee Jones and Al Gore were freshman roomates at Harvard.


get these in your life!

Roccat: Isku

Featuring the Easy-Shift[+] technology, the Isku offers 36 easilycustomizable macros strategically positioned in three spots in the easy-to-find WASD zone. This means players can fire off orders without ever having to re-adjust their hand position – so you won’t have to take your eyes off the screen to look for keys. The Easy-Shift[+] zone offers 28 macros keys – including eight dedicated keys that can be doubly programmed. Plus, the ability to instantly switch between 5 profiles lets players enjoy up to180 macros, $79.99 www.roccat.org

Pyle: Waterproof MP3 Player

Made of ergonomic soft silicon material to wrap comfortably around the ear, the 4GC waterproof MP3 player features soft touch buttons to control power, volume, skip and play/pause functions, allowing users to enjoy their music even underwater! $59.99 www. PyleAudio.com

EnChroma Cx-N

Enhancing color for the estimated 10 Million Americans living with color blindness, and even those with normal color vision, EnChroma’s new Cx-N series features optical coated lenses that filter wavelengths of light responsible for color vision. The Cx-N is designed for use with CVD (red-green color) blindness, normal color vision and those exposed to high-intensity sunlight and those with low or sensitive vision disorders like cataracts. 399.95 www.enchroma.com and select upscale retailers Totally useless fact: There is a city called Rome on every continent.

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CONTESTS GIVE AWAYS

PRIZES

EXCLUSIVELY FOR COLLEGE

STUDENTS! WITH CONTENT

TOO HOT FOR THE MAGAZINE


MESSIN’ WITH YO’ MIND!

By Ami Gavarian

5 Head Games

Every Boyfriend Plays Ladies, I hate to break it to you, but you don’t have us wrapped around your fingers as much as you’d like to believe. We’re a crafty bunch, too! As such, here are some games we like to play with you… and no, I’m not talking about the ones involving costumes, edible panties and a running dryer machine. I Don’t Know What You’re Talking About It Wasn’t Me!

Well… yeah it was. Guys have been labeled weasels more often than Joan Rivers has been surgically “upgraded.” There’s a good reason for that. Just like poker, if there’s an easy out, we take it. Your girlfriends say they saw us hitting on another chick at the bar? Wasn’t us! You think we intentionally ruined that tacky shirt you got us for the holidays? Wasn’t us! Actually… yeah it was. That shirt was lamer than Spider-Man 3. There, I said it.

In case you haven’t realized yet, denial is not just a river in Egypt… it’s what guys pride themselves on as their ultimate scapegoat in any sticky situation. Let the record show that there’s an innate lawyer in every single guy. Without the burden of proof, we’re free to play dumb on every accusation you throw our way. Coincidentally, the same scam could work for you ladies out there, but you suffer from this thing called “a conscience”… whatever the hell that is.

Totally useless fact: Kermit the Frog is left handed.

We’ll Discuss It Later

They say time heals all wounds. If that’s true, guys have mastered the art of procrastination like Britney has mastered the art of the comeback. While you’re trying to stir up an argument over affection, love, or any other sappy stuff guys typically ignore, we’re watching football and persistently telling you “we’ll talk about it later.” By the time we actually get around to broaching the topic, you’re either too removed to care anymore or busy watching Grey’s Anatomy. I guess all those lame chick shows really do serve a useful purpose!

Fine… Let’s Break Up! I Love You!

Don’t get me wrong… there are certainly plenty of times where we say this with a straight face. But you’re kidding yourself if you think we’re sincere every time this line is dropped on you. It’s a well-known fact that those three little words are the magic password to Underpants Land. Think of it like this: if you had the key to the Godiva headquarters, would you let it go to waste? I rest my case.

This method is commonly referred to as “Old Faithful.” When in doubt, threaten to break up! It’s like kryptonite to any truly smitten girlfriend. The consequence of losing a relationship is rarely worth the benefit of winning an argument in the eyes of college chicks across the nation. If you’ve been in a relationship for at least a few months, chances are you’re boyfriend has pulled this card at least five times. If he hasn’t, you might want to check him for a vagina. campus talk

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CHARTED

HOW TO CUT PIZZA For small groups:

For parties:

Just for you:

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Totally useless fact: The Earth is hit by lightning 100 times a second.


CHARTED

RETAIL: THE CUSTOMER IS ALWAYS

Right

An Asshole

MEN WHO STAY UP ALL NIGHT TO WATCH GIRLS WHILE THEY SLEEP Vampires

Edward Cullen

Pedofiles

Stalkers

Fathers with sick children

Totally useless fact: Charlie Brownâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s father was a barber.

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spotted!

sAFE HAVEN

Spot The Differences

FEBRUARY 14, 2012

Cobie Smulders, Julianne Hough and Josh Duhamel

THE WHATâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;S HAPPENING NETWORK

Let us help you reach thousands with outdoor advertising on The Whatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Happening Truck

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Full service design studio providing clients with our best creative talents.

february 2013

Publishing division creating the best in college publications to college students.

Connecting students to student properties clear across the country. Traffic is our middle name.

From pens to ping pong tables, our promotional department can handle all of your logo merchandising needs.

Totally useless fact: The fastest sevice in a restaurant in the world is 13 seconds from the order to the food on the table.


spotted!

CHECK

LIST

1) Guy's t-shirt collar is gone 2) guy is wearing sunglasses 3) flower on guy's sleeve is missing 4) girl's bracelet string is gone 5) woman's tank top is different color 6) red bar behind woman is gone 7) handle on wooden cabinet to woman's right is missing 8) packets missing from background wall on right 9) car missing from background on left.

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Totally useless fact: Parker Brothers prints roughly 50 billion dollars worth of Monopoly money each year.

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RESTAURANT REVIEW 43rd Street Deli

Locally owned, 43rd Street Deli has been serving breakfast and lunch to the Gainesville community for the past 25 years. Their classic breakfast menu features pancakes, eggs, waffles and daily specials, as well as an amazing sausage gravy and biscuits dish; perfect for nursing a hangover! Their lunch menu contains a variety of sandwiches including paninis and quesadillas. They’re also available for catering breakfast and lunch events. 3483 SW Williston, Gainesville, FL 32608. (352) 373-5656 4401 NW 25th Pl, Gainesville, FL 32606. (352) 373-2927 www.43rdstreetdeli.com

Arby’s

Over the years, Arby’s menu has expanded their menu to points far beyond their classic Roast Beef Sandwich to such items as their market fresh sandwiches, prime-cut chicken sandwiches, subs and salads; not to mention their awesome curly fries. The latest menu add-ons include the new Angus Cool Deli items; a deli-style sandwich and wrap with lean Angus beef and crisp vegetables. If that isn’t enough to beat the heat, they also offer new Oreo Jamocha Shakes. 1405 SW 13TH ST, Gainesville, FL 32608 (352) 378-6555 3960 SW Archer RD STE B, Gainesville, FL 32608 (352) 244-0481 www.arbys.com

Asian Wok & Grill Restaurant

When driving around Gainesville, it’s obvious that there is a great deal of Chinese food options available. Asian Wok & Grill offers a variety of Chinese dishes in three different combo sizes; helpful when in need of a major Chinese food fix. Popular items on the menu are the Sweet and Sour Chicken Lite Combo, which comes with one side, The Bourbon Chick Combo A, which offers two sides, and the Pepper Steak Combo B, where you can choose two entrées and two sides. 3314 SW 35th Blvd. Gainesville, FL 32608 (352) 505-5757 AsianWokGrill.com

Bagel Bakery

This locally owned bagel joint makes their bagels fresh everyday. They are never frozen and the bagels from the day before are sold in bags at a discounted price. They serve breakfast and lunch and have a variety of bagels, bagel sandwiches, muffins, signature sandwiches, wraps, salads and soups. One of the more enticing sandwiches is the Broccoli Cheddar melt. It packs delicious veggie cream cheese under fresh steamed broccoli and melted cheddar cheese into two slices of any bagel or on sun-dried tomato Focaccia bread. 4113 NW 16th Blvd Gainesville, FL 32605 (352) 384-9110

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Bagels and Noodles

Burger King

With a restaurant concept that’s a little out there, Bagels and Noodles combines the menu of a bagel joint with that of a Vietnamese restaurant. In the morning they serve classic breakfast items, such as bagels, bagel sandwiches, French toast, pancakes and more. While in the afternoon/evening they serve Vietnamese noodle bowls like the Deluxe Beef Pho or the Pho Tai Chicken. Fitting for the college lifestyle, none of their menu items exceed $10, which means, of course, more money for beer! 1222 W University Ave Gainesville, FL 32601 (352) 872-5789

Ballyhoo Grill & Raw Bar

With a diverse menu ranging from flatbreads and pastas to seafood and sushi, this grill and raw bar has plenty of options for your eating pleasures. Most notable of their Chef Specials is the Bimini Stuffed Grouper, which features fresh grouper stuffed with shrimp, crabs, scallops and mushrooms, topped with a lemon white wine sauce. They also have hand-cut choice steaks as well as a variety of sandwiches. For Gator fans, Ballyhoo created the ‘Tim Te-Roll,’ which as you could imagine has become a staple of their sushi menu. 3700 W University Ave Gainesville FL 32607 (352) 373-0059 BallyhooGrill.com

Beef o Brady’s

An American take on Irish classics, Beef ‘o’ Brady’s offers a full menu of hearty, meat-tastic meals fit for the best of beer-guzzlers and their families. With a variety of wings, burgers, sandwiches and seafood, ‘O’ Brady’s is a perfect atmosphere for catching the big game. Try their classic pub-style cuisine like the Dubliner, an open-faced sandwich stacked high with roast beef, sautéed mushrooms, Swiss cheese, grilled sourdough bread and creamy mashed potatoes, smothered with Guinness Gravy. 6500 Southwest Archer Road, Gainesville, FL 32608 (352) 271-8085 www.beefobradys.com

Bento

Due to their quick, casual service and their vast array of sushi, Bento has become a prominent member of the Gainesville eatery community. Designed after cafes found in Japan and Taiwan, the Pan-Asian restaurant offers a stylish and friendly atmosphere. The menu features an assortment of Bento Boxes, which consist of wok-style dishes such as Shrimp Tempura and Soy Chili (chicken, shrimp, or tofu), as well as rice and noodle bowls. Their sushi ranges from the classic California Roll to far more intricate rolls, such as the Mt. Fuji Roll. They even have sushi combo options for those who can’t decide on which roll to try. 3832 W Newberry Rd, Ste 1J Gainesville, FL 32607 (352) 377-8686 3841 Southwest Archer Road # D, Gainesville, FL 32608 (352) 224-5123 www.bentocafesushi.com

After the bars close and the kegs are tapped, the drive-thru race begins. Instead of waiting in line at the golden arches for an hour, try checking out Burger King. With their new BK Stacker deals, you can get a low-cost burger for a better-quality taste. They also have a range of chicken sandwiches, as well as new, crispier chicken tenders. And, if you’ve missed the dinner menu cut-off, they provide an awesome array of breakfast sandwiches, platters and bowls. 20 NW 16th Ave Gainesville, FL 32601 (352) 376-2295 3905 S. W. Archer Road Gainesville, FL 32608 (352) 372-0031 6123 NW 8th Ave, Gainesville, FL 32605 (352) 331-0494 9401 N.W. 39th Avenue, Gainesville, FL 32606 (352) 336-7383 www.bk.com

Carrabba’s Italian Grill

Using fresh produce, herbs, seafood, meats and pastas, Carrabba’s menu dons a more traditional approach to Italian cooking. It ranges from antipasti and salads, to brick-oven pizzas and a variety of classic and stuffed pastas. With a wood-burning grill, Carrabba’s serves up dishes like their Chicken Bryan, which is a filleted chicken breast topped with goat cheese, sun dried tomatoes and a basil lemon butter sauce; as well as Grilled Norwegian Salmon, a Trout Nocciola and even a Filet Fiorentina, for those of you who just can’t go without beef. 3021 SW 34th St Gainesville, FL 32608 (352) 692-0083 www.carrabas.com

Chili’s

With hearty food, friendly service and signature drinks, Chili’s Grill & Bar can satisfy any appetite. Not just a sports bar, Chili’s menu provides an assortment of flavorful dishes, such as their Big Mouth Burgers, Baby Back Ribs, Fajitas and Southwest egg rolls. The ‘$20 feeds two people’ special gets you and a friend an appetizer and two full-size entrees; perfect for dating on a college budget, as well as saving you some cash for Chili’s all-day two-for-one drinks deal! 3530 SW Archer Rd, Gainesville, FL 32608 (352) 373-3010 114 SW Fletcher Dr, Gainesville, FL 32611 (352) 392-9012 www.chilis.com

China Star

For low-price, non-greasy Chinese food that’s always made with fresh ingredients, stop by China Star. With lunch specials at around $5, which includes an entrée with two sides, an egg roll and a free can of soda, the college budget has never been luckier. Their portions stack high above the rest and, although you’ll want to stop eating and save some for dinner, you probably won’t be able to. The General Tso’s Chicken is among the best of Chinese take-out in town, with a perfect amount of heat to spice up your afternoon. 3307 W University Ave,Gainesville, FL 32607 (352) 338-8282

Cici’s Pizza

The only thing better than freshly baked pizza is ENDLESS, freshly baked pizza. Not only is there a constant refreshing of a variety of pizzas, there is also an endless assortment of fresh salads, pastas and dessert. From the classic cheese and pepperoni to the Mac n’ Cheese and BBQ, CiCi’s blends a variety of great ingredients for meat-lovers and veggie-lovers at a great low-price. Guests can also special order their own pizza or choose from a CiCi’s Classic or Signature Creation. 3246 SW 35th Blvd, Gainesville, FL 32608 (352) 692-1260 www.cicispizza.com

D’lites

More than an ice cream shop, D’lites is a dieter’s heaven. They serve low-fat, low-sugar soft serve ice cream in a variety of cups and cones, shakes, sundaes, cakes and bowls; all of which can be topped with a choice of regular, or low-carb toppings. Each store features different flavors of the week like the Turtle Cheesecake and the Blueberry Muffin. While devouring your delicious, guilt-free treat, you can also peruse their many low-sugar and fat free grocery products, such as salad dressings, wheat pastas, chips, cookies and much more. 4216 NW 16th Boulevard (Marketplace), Gainesville, FL 32605 (352) 375-4484 5218 SW 34th Street (Williston), Gainesville, FL, 32608 (352) 378-2969 www.gatordlites.com

Designer Greens

Instead of bogging yourself down all day with heavy, greasy fast food, try this salad/sandwich shop. It is only a block away from campus – perfect for in between classes or even a quick study break. The flatbreads range from the classic Cuban to the Turkey Pesto with turkey, bacon, sun-dried tomatoes, mozzarella cheese and pesto spread. If you’re feeling a little more creative, you can design your own salad through these five steps: full or half, type of lettuce, choice of toppings, protein selection, and dressing. 1702 W University Ave # E, Gainesville, FL 32603 (352) 672-6800 www.designergreen.net

Domino’s

Where would we be without Domino’s Pizza? Try to imagine such a place; our 4am binges left unfulfilled, our wallets emptied from overpriced alternatives, our stomachs, though full of beer, still craving that final sendoff before dawn. Between their custom-made pizza, hearty variety of sandwiches, scary, but delicious pasta bowls, wings, tenders and their latest addition, garlic bread pizza, Domino’s is perfect for any time of day; whether it be the cap-off of an adventurous, booze-induced night, or even in a sober afternoon of responsible studying. 2106 SW 13th St, Gainesville, FL 32608 (352) 373-2337 3311 W University Ave, Gainesville, FL 32607 (352) 377-4992 25 NW 16th Ave, Gainesville, FL 32601 (352) 373-5555

Totally useless fact: On average, there are 333 squares of toilet paper on each roll.


RESTAURANT REVIEW 4620 NW 39th Avenue, Gainesville, FL 32606 (352) 692-2222 5750 SW 75th Ct #40, Gainesville. FL 32608 (352) 373-8888 www.dominos.com

El Norteno

If you’re craving some traditional Mexican cuisine, El Norteno is the place to go. Their authentic dishes are hearty and flavorful. The prices are low and the portions, well, intimidating, but in a good way. Guests can order from combination platters and house specials, or mix it up with the a la carte menu. How about a classic Chimichanga House Special, deep-fried, cheese-slathered and filled with chicken or shredded beef with a side of beans, rice, lettuce, tomatoes and sour cream? And don’t worry, if the food gets too spicy for you, you can always order a Margarita pitcher from their full bar! 2445 Southwest 13th Street Gainesville, FL 32608 (352) 377-4633

Firehouse Subs

Not just your typical sub joint, Firehouse steams their meats and cheeses and provides portions that are way beyond your typical sub sandwich. While they do offer cold subs, the ticket to Firehouse lies in their hot specialty subs like the New York Steamer stacked high with corned beef brisket, pastrami, melted provolone, mustard, mayo and Italian dressing. If you’re looking to spice it up a little, Firehouse has revamped their meatball sub and thrown in a few different seasonings to create the Sweet & Spicy Meatball sub. 1412 W. University Ave, #1, Gainesville, FL 32603 (352) 337-2631 3221 SW 35th Blvd., Gainesville, FL 32608 (352) 336-0419 www.firehousesubs.com

Five Star Pizza

No house party or drunken stumble home from downtown is complete without Five Star Pizza. They don’t mess around with your run-of-the-mill-sized pizzas. At their take-out/ delivery joints, they serve large (16 inches) and extra large (18 inches) specialty pizzas for both vegetarians and meat lovers. If pizza’s not enough than try their pepperoni rolls drowned in a savory garlic butter sauce. These rolls may not be a dieters best friend, but if you’ve already been drinking all night, then who cares! 210 Southwest 2nd Avenue, Gainesville, FL 32601 (352) 375-5600 600 NW 75th St # D, Gainesville, FL 32607 (352) 333-7979 4014 Northwest 22nd Drive, Gainesville, FL 32605 (352) 378-9606 www.fivestardowntown.com

Flying Biscuit Café

Flying Biscuit takes away the guilt of sleeping in, by serving breakfast all day! Besides having some of the best grits in town, they also serve up a variety of breakfast dishes, such as omelets, organic potato pancakes, French toast and even a tofu scramble. Most intriguing of this menu is the pasta, sausage and eggs, which mixes three

scrambled eggs with chicken sausage, penne pasta, spinach, mushrooms and cheddar, served with grits. If you’re not craving breakfast, they also have appetizers, salads, sandwiches and dinner entrees, all of which tout Flying Biscuits’ unique blend of flavors and style. 4150 Northwest 16th Boulevard Gainesville, FL 32606 (352) 373-9500 www.flyingniscuit.com

Fuji Hana Japanese Steakhouse

This Japanese-style steakhouse prepares your meals tableside in the effort to provide a dining experience that pleases the palate, as well as being visually stimulating and entertaining. Fuji Hana has a sushi bar with large selections of sushi, a dine-in section for you and family and a hibachi section where meals are prepared using the freshest and healthiest ingredients right before your eyes. They also offer a variety of lunch specials like the Sushi Bar lunch special which offers five pieces of sushi and one California roll, served with soup or salad, all for only for $8. 3720 NW 13th St. Suite 1, Gainesville FL, 32609 (352) 337-0038 www.gainesvillefujihana.com

Gators Dockside

With some of the best wings in town, cheap drink specials and giant televisions throughout, Gator’s Dockside is perfect for students and families. The sports-themed restaurant provides a fun atmosphere for everyone, with big screen TVs, pool tables, video games, great food and friendly service. Have their breaded wings with their one-of-a-kind ‘Scooter’ sauce for their all-you-can-eat wings special every Monday night, a perfect addition to Monday Night Football. 3842 Newberry Road Suite 1-A, Gainesville, FL 32607 (352) 338-4445 www.gatordockside.com

Gelato Company

The Gelato is described as being simply, Italian ice cream. Made with less milk and churned slower, gelato has less fat and calories than ice cream and a much smoother creamier texture. At The Gelato Company, they make 15 to 25 flavors in-house with fresh ingredients and a creative flavor everyday. They also provide a mix of unique, flavorful paninis and sandwiches, like the ‘Salmone’ panini, which combines smoked salmon, spinach, cream cheese, onion and homemade pesto on foccacio bread. 11 Southeast 1st Avenue, Gainesville, FL 32601 (352) 373-3153 www.thegelatocompany.com

Gumby’s Pizza

Whether it is for parties or just pigging out while studying, Gumby’s is a must for every college student. For years, Gumby’s has been providing quality pizza, hot sub sandwiches, salads, Pokey Stix, Pepperoni Rolls, and Buffalo wings to everyone in Gainesville. They have an amazing assortment of specials running all the time. The most notable of these is the Gumby

Totally useless fact: The “Mexican Hat Dance” is the official dance of Mexico.

Damitt, which features a 16-inch, X-Large Cheese Pizza for around $7. 2028 Southwest 34th Street, Gainesville, FL 32608 (352) 374-8629 www.gumbyspizza.com

pork is juicy and well seasoned, with just a hint of smoke, and it comes as a sandwich, with one side, or as a plate, with two sides and garlic bread or corn bread.

Hogan’s

1620 W. University Ave., Ste C, Gainesville, FL 32603 (352) 505-5772 www.kaybrosbbq.com

Going on almost 20 years of business, Hogan’s remains the same, awesome, old school sandwich shop, serving giant sandwiches, a mass variety of ice-cold beer, regular low-prices and daily specials. Stacked upon a 6-, 8-, or 12-inch hoagie roll, Hogan’s Combination Heros pack on the meat, some to the point of requiring a fork and knife. Try the BBQ Special, which includes an 8-inch BBQ sub, chips and a small drink; perfect for any college student on the go. 2327 NW 13th St., Gainesville, Fl. 32609 (352) 376-6224 5156 SW 34th St., Gainesville, FL 32608 (352) 371-5851 www.hogans83.com

Hungry Howies

What began as a single takeout/delivery pizza joint in 1973 has grown to become one of the most successful pizza restaurants in the nation. Often forgotten amongst the Gainesville pizza echelon, Howie’s offers high-quality flavored crust pizzas, oven baked subs, wings and salads. The most notable difference between Howie’s and the other guys is their customizable crust, which provides eight different options, including: sesame, butter cheese, butter, ranch, Cajun, garlic herb, onion and original. 3105 Southwest 34th Street, Gainesville (352) 335-8444 www.hungryhowies.com 1310 Northwest 23rd Avenue, Gainesville (352) 374-6600 4928 Northwest 39th Avenue, Gainesville (352) 372-1112 www.gatorhowies.net

IHOP

Not much satisfies that post-drinking hunger/ hangover like a trip to IHOP! With their hearty omelets, giant breakfast combos and an almost incomparable array of pancakes, French toast, waffles and sweet crepes, IHOP remains one of the top breakfast eateries in Gainesville. Most recently, IHOP brought back their enticing funnel cake dishes, which offer two crispy funnel cakes topped with powdered sugar, your choice of fruit and a cream-whipped topping. For their lunch and dinner menus, IHOP packs in the same hearty, comfort-style food, providing plenty of options throughout the day and night. 3625 Southwest 13th Street, Gainesville, FL 32608 (352) 336-1839 www.ihop.com

Kay Bros. BBQ

On a mission to discover what true barbecue should taste like, brothers Darren and Steven journeyed through the heartland of barbecue with noted stops in Memphis, Kansas City and Austin. Now, fixed right across the street from UF, the brothers bring their love and passion for true barbecue to every table. With 15 entrée options and a variety of homemade sides, the menu is small and to the point. Their pulled

Larry’s Giant Subs

With high-quality meats and cheeses and fresh produce delivered daily, it’s no surprise that Larry’s remains among the top sub joints in Gainesville. The meats and cheeses are sliced fresh for each sandwich and created right before the customer’s eyes. If you’re feeling hungry and still want some leftover for later, try one of their Italian hoagies, like the Destroyer. This sub is definitely not messing around, stacked high with premium ham, cooked and genoa salami, capicola, pepperoni and beef bologna, as well as a variety of vegetable toppings and sauces. 1620 W University Ave # 3, Gainesville (352) 271-7977 1310 Northwest 23rd Avenue, Gainesville (352) 375-6610 1122 North Main Street, Gainesville (352) 376-1210 www.larryssubs.com

Leonardo’s Pizza

With a simple, but delicious menu, Leonardo’s has been feeding college students and Gainesville residents for years. Whether you order by the slice, or by the pie, Leonardo’s prices are fair and their portions are plentiful. They also serve awesome calzones, salads, pastas and some of the best garlic rolls in town. If you haven’t been there yet, get your head out of the books for a little and have a slice. You’ll definitely go back! 1245 West University Avenue, Gainesville (352) 375-2007 wwwleonardosgainesville.com 4131 NW 16th Blvd, Gainesville (352) 376-2001 www.leonardosmillhopper.com

Little Caesar’s

Back from the pizzeria graveyard, Little Caesar’s has made an almost mythological-like return to the forefront of the pizza delivery and take out market. Many of you freshmen may not realize this, but up until the mid-90s, Little Caesars was a thriving pizza joint, only to vanish overnight. Offering the same low-priced, great quality pizza, Little Caesar’s has been voted best value in America for four years in a national survey of consumers. Little Caesar’s deep-dish pizza offers up a square, thicker pizza with a crispy crust, covered in cheese from edge-to-edge and cut into eight generous triangle-cut pieces; and of course, toppings are customized to your liking. 5162 Southwest 34th Street, Gainesville (352) 336-6533 5141 NW 43rd St., Suite #106, Gainesville (352) 378-5775 www.littlecaesars.com

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r o f e c r u o s r You ! e s i d n a h c r e logo m

WWW.WHATSHAPPENING PROMOTIONS.COM

352-371-5881

PART OF


RESTAURANT REVIEW Lollicup

Serving the Gainesville community since 2006, Lollicup provides, what has been described as, America’s favorite Bubble Tea. They offer milk teas and fruit slushes, as well as all natural, non-fat frozen yogurt with fresh fruit toppings. Their Bubble Tea flavors range from fresh fruits like kiwi, peach, strawberry, mango and passion fruit to honey, sweet green tea, lemon black tea, raspberry black tea and sweet black tea. With free WI-FI, Lollicup is a great place to cool off and study. 3550 Southwest 34th Street, Gainesville, FL 32608 (352) 505-3662 www.UFLollicup.com

Macaroni Grill

Inspired by Mediterranean cooking traditions along Italy’s coast, Romano’s Macaroni Grill describes their food as simple recipes that require the finest ingredients; such as import artisan pasta, vine-ripened tomatoes, select seafood, grilled meats and fresh, fragrant Italian herbs. Their menu ranges from a variety of antipasti, salads and pizza to handcrafted pastas, classic Italian dishes and a number of grilled specialties. Their Happy Hour, features $3 house wine and draft beers, $5 crafted cocktails. $5 pizzas and a number of new Tapas, like their Spicy Ricotta Meatballs. 6401 Newberry Rd, Gainesville, Florida 32607 (352) 331-0638 www.macaronigrill.com

Mamma Mia Pizzeria

Practically hidden on the corner of NE 23rd Ave. and Main St., Mamma Mia offers up an array of massive, fresh-made pizzas, calzones, stromboli, sandwiches, salads, traditional Italian Entrees and wings. All of their food is made with fresh ingredients including their homemade dough and sauce, whole milk cheeses, fresh vegetables and quality meats. Pizza can be ordered by the slice or by the pie. They have stuffed pizzas, 16-inch square pizzas and a number of original and specialty pizzas, like their Lasagna Pizza, which is piled high with lasagna, meatball and ricotta, mozzarella and cheddar cheese. They also have plenty of coupons available if you’re in need of that homemade Italian fix and are eating on a tight budget. 490 NE 23rd Ave., Gainesville FL, 32669 352-376-3444 www.mammamiapizzashop.com

Marcos Pizza

Using only the freshest ingredients and daily-made dough, Marco’s Pizza has been named the fastest-growing pizza company in the U.S. The dough is homemade, the sauce is a secret blend of imported spices and three types of vine-ripened tomatoes and the cheese consists of three fresh cheeses that are never frozen. Piled high with four types of cheese including feta, bacon, onions, tomatoes and a butter garlic sauce, this award-winning White Cheezy Pizza is a must for any pizza enthusiast.

4370 SW 20th Ave, Gainesville, FL 32607 (352) 336-1236 www.Marcos.com

Maui Teriyaki

This American Japanese Grill makes their own Teriyaki sauce, which they serve in two forms: regular and spicy. They serve chicken, steak, pork and tofu. Their menu consists of a variety of bowls (your choice of protein on white rice and vegetables), Yakitori (two skewers of marinated dark chicken), salads and chicken wings. In its 13 years, Maui Teriyaki has become a staple of the UF experience. 600 NW 75th St. #E Gainesville, FL 32607 (352) 331-3393 www.mauiteriyaki.com 3105 SW 34th Street Gainesville, FL 32608 (352) 264-0262 www.MauiUniversityTown.com

Miller’s Ale House

This sports bar’s fame makes it hard to believe it’s only been around since 1983. It seems every big city you go to in Florida, there’s an Ale House somewhere nearby, with their great food, their friendly service, or their awesome drink and food specials. The menu offers steaks, original pasta dishes, fresh seafood, healthy salads, giant sandwiches and homemade desserts The most intriguing offer, however, has got to be their $10 Maine Lobster with a choice of side. They also have one of the best porches in Gainesville! 3950 SW Archer Road, Gainesville, FL 32608 (352) 371-0818 www.millersalehouse.com

Miraku Japanese Steakhouse

3841 SW Archer Rd Unit E, Gainesville (352) 371-7575 202 Southeast 2nd Avenue, Gainesville (352) 373-5353 www.mymochiyogurt.com

1702 W University Ave # C, Gainesville (352) 692-4400 3841 SW Archer Rd # F, Gainesville (352) 692-4460 www.pitapit.com

Mother’s Pub & Grill

Pizza Hut

Despite their recent fame for being named as one of the Sweet 16 Best Sports Bars in America in the March 2011 issue of Maxim Magazine, Mother’s remains the same small neighborhood style pub that they were when they opened. With a mix of pub-style meals, including a hearty, delicious take on the classic Irish Shepard’s Pie, Mother’s is a perfect hangout for any time of day. Their daily specials for food and drinks never lack in size or quality and the service is always friendly. On Wednesdays, instead of wasting your money on a dollar menu, go to Mother’s and have a real burger for only $2. 1017 West University Avenue, Gainesville, FL 32601 (352) 378-8135 www.motherspub.com

Omi’s Kitchen

With a menu spanning Cuban, Mexican, Italian and American cuisines, Omi’s has something for just about everyone. Omi herself is working the kitchen, pumping out orders like Tacos de Carne Asada and the White Chicken Lasagna, all while she also has a Meatloaf cooking in the oven. The vast array of menu items is extremely impressive and the fact that Omi, herself, is in the back making it all; magnifico! 5729 Southwest 75th Street, Gainesville, FL 32608 (352) 373-0301 www.omiselegantcatering.com/restaurant

More of a traditional Japanese steakhouse, Miraku is the place for hibachi grill and sushi, featuring lively entertainment and a wide mix of steak, chicken and seafood dishes. Their sushi menu spans a variety of well-priced nigiri, sashimi and temaki sushi with a long list of proteins. The Ignacio Roll has fried shrimp, eel, avocado, fish eggs, jalapeno, tempura flakes and spicy sauce, and the Mudslide Roll packs eel, tamago, cream cheese, avocado, fish eggs, scallions, lemon together with salmon on top. They have the largest hibachi tables in town and offer a number of coupons!

Piesano’s Stone Fired Pizza

4005 Southwest 40th Boulevard, Gainesville, FL 32608 (352) 336-3188 www.MirakuJapaneseSteakhouse.com

5200 NW 43 St., Gainesville, FL 32606 (352) 371-7437 5757 SW 75th St. #101 Gainesville, FL 32608 (352) 371-8646 www.piesanostogo.com

Mochi

Mochi Frozen Yogurt is a booming, alternative dessert shop that is quickly spreading around the Gainesville area. They offer 100-percent non-fat, cholesterol-free tart frozen yogurt that promotes good health by providing a source of calcium, boosting the immune system and maintaining a healthy digestive system. Mochi’s concept is simple: grab a cup, create any combination of eight flavors, such as lychee, pineapple, mango or blueberry, choose as many toppings as you want and pay only 45 cents an ounce!

Totally useless fact: Being unmarried can shorten a man’s life by ten years.

Dine-in or take out, Piesano’s Stone Fired Pizza, packs in the flavor right down to their free Piesano rolls. They have low-priced, lunch specials and their gourmet specialty pizza’s range from a 12-inch to an Extreme (24-inch). They also push out a number of different calzones, subs, burgers, chicken and traditional Italian specialty entrees, like the Shrimp & Mussels Fra Diavolo. It sautés shrimp and mussels in garlic, white wine and spicy marinara and is then tossed with spaghetti for a delightful Italian treat.

Pita Pit

No night on the town is complete without a late night stop at Pita Pit. Whether before, when you’re sober or after when you’re not, Pita Pit will satisfy that college student hunger in a healthy way! Their vast menu consists of a broad mix of vegetables breakfast items, meat, veggie and dieter options, salads, soups and smoothies. Try the Dagwood, which wraps turkey, ham and prime rib together with your choice of around 20 toppings, four cheeses and 11 sauces.

For a cheap, quality pizza, it never hurts to go for a classic. Between their classic pan and hand-tossed pizzas and their stuffed crust and cheesy bites pizza, Pizza Hut has been at the forefront of pizza innovations for 50 years. More than just pizza though, Pizza Hut offers a variety of pastas, wings and their own take on the calzone, called the P’Zone, which they usually cook up with a deal for $5. 3515 Southwest Archer Road, Gainesville (352) 374-4440 1204 North Main Street, Gainesville (352) 338-1776 5004 Northwest 34th Street, Gainesville (352) 373-7733 Oaks Mall and Tower (352) 332-0032 www.pizzahut.com

Quiznos

Long before their competitors started toasting subs, Quiznos was providing hot, flavorful sandwiches with butcher-quality meat, fresh vegetables, all-natural cheeses, chef-designed signature sauces and artisan bread. Their menu is host to many different options, such as their signature subs, torpedoes and bullets, Sammies, soups and a variety of farmers’ market fresh salads. Start with the Chicken Carbonara with chicken, bacon, mozzarella, sautéed mushrooms and creamy bacon Alfredo sauce. 201 SE 2nd Ave # 106, Gainesville (352) 338-1807 3545 SW 34th St Ste C, Gainesville (352) 335-3838 3822 W Newberry Rd Gainesville, FL 32607 (352) 379-0102 110 Stadium Rd, Gainesville (352) 392-9411 www.quiZnos.com

Red Mango

Red Mango is an up and coming retailer of all-natural, non-fat frozen yogurt. It combines its refreshingly tangy frozen yogurt with fresh toppings to create a nutritious dessert that can be enjoyed at any point of the day. Their menu spans from frozen yogurt and parfaits to smoothies, hot chocolate chillers and iced beverages. The Strawberry Banana Spoonable Smoothie mixes strawberries, bananas and all-natural peanut butter with toppings of organic pumpkin flax seed granola and fresh slice of banana. To help you through those all-night study sessions, they also can throw in a protein, multivitamin, immunity and energy boost. 3333 SW 34th Street, Suite 1, Gainesville (352) 872-5227 6419 Newberry Rd., Gainesville (352) 505-5091 www.redmangousa.com

Relish

With fresh, never frozen, 100 percent certified Angus Beef patties and a seemingly endless amount of toppings and sauces, Relish also offers veggie burgers, chicken sandwiches and campus talk

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RESTAURANT REVIEW quarter-pound, all-beef, 100 percent kosher hot dogs. Patrons can order a single tasty, a double tasty, a triple tasty, a half the guilt (one beef patty, one veggie patty) or the Tasty Vegetarian burger. After picking the size, they can choose from extras like cheese, bacon, fried egg, or another burger patty. Guests then decide what sauces and toppings they want to stack on top. Fixed right across the street from UF, Relish is great for a big snack between classes, or more likely, an afternoon nap. 1702 W University Ave, Suite D, Gainesville, FL 32603 (352) 692-4400 www.relishusa.com

Rolls ‘n Bowls

This Green Certified Japanese Bistro serves fresh traditional Japanese ingredients combined to create the best, fresh sushi rolls, savory rice bowls and delicious salad selections. With rolls like the Mexican, with katsu shrimp, avocado, fish roe and mayo and the Oopsy, with crab delight, smoked eel, cream cheese, fish roe, shitake, and cucumber with eel sauce and super fly spicy sauce, you can get a healthy, but filling meal at a fair-price. 3117 Southwest 34th Street, Gainesville, FL 32608 (352) 271-1011 www.rollsnblows.com

Roly Poly

With nutritional information on hand, Roly Poly is a healthy alternative with an amazing taste. They combine ingredients like mango chutney, red pepper hummus, sun dried tomatoes, artichoke hearts and sliced avocado to give you over 50 different sandwich wrap combinations, 12 of which are vegetarian friendly. The Chicken Popper has sliced chicken breast, light cream cheese, plum tomatoes, sliced jalapenos, onion and fat free ranch all rolled up into a whole wheat tortilla and served with a side of salsa. 4123 Northwest 16th Boulevard, Gainesville, FL 32605 (352) 372-1100 www.rolypoly.com

Sonic

Modeled after the classic American drive-thru diners, Sonic has taken its place at the forefront of American fast-food restaurants. Their menu has an array of burgers, hot dogs, chicken sandwiches and tenders and their latest addition: the Baja Dog, which features melted pepper jack, tomatoes, chopped onions and spicy jalapenos in a poppy seed bun for only $1.99. If that doesn’t sound like enough to fill your hunger, Sonic’s chili cheese tots should do the trick! 2162 Northwest 39th Avenue , Gainesville, FL 32605 (352) 264-7675 www.sonicdrivein.com

Stevi B’s

Stevi B’s has a real passion for pizza. Every day they make dough from scratch and use 110 percent real cheese and hand-selected, garden fresh vegetables. On their buffet, Stevi B’s has a vast array of classic and specialty pizzas, like their Loaded Baked Potato Pizza. This one-of-a-kind pie has ranch sauce spread across the hand-made crust and layers real, 70

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sliced baked potato, crispy bacon and a tangy blend of Monterey Jack and cheddar cheese on top.

The lunch deals are cheap and the food is endless – perfect for a day of skipping class!

3720 NW 13th Pl., Gainesville, FL 32605 (352) 519-5121 www.stevibs.com

2031 NW 13th Street, Gainesville, FL 32608 (352) 337-0888 www.szechuanpalacegainesville.com

Sushi Chao

Take Away Gourmet

Built in the heart of midtown Gainesville, Sushi Chao is the latest concept from the creators of Bento and Mochi. The quick Asian restaurant features a number of sushi rolls, nigiri, bowls and salads, as well as their own version of fish tacos. At only $3.50 a piece, their fish tacos are served with soy salsa, lettuce, avocado, cheese and finished with shrimp sauce, all of which are piled atop a choice of fried tilapia, fried salmon or marinate fresh tuna. 1620 W Univ Ave, 352.373.2277, sushichao.biz

Sushi-2-Go

If you’re busy studying and short on time, but still want to satisfy that craving for sushi, Sushi-2-Go is perfect. With high-quality, super cheap sushi and appetizers, you won’t even have to pick up the phone. Order online for appetizers like egg rolls and dumplings for only $3. You can also try their nori, regular and specialty rolls, like the Flying Dragon roll, made with imitation crab, avocado, cucumber, fish roe, with eel on top, and the Wolverine roll with fried tilapia, smoked salmon, spicy sauce, mushroom, scallions, and fish roe, with pepper sprinkles on top. (352) 338-1068 www.sushi-2-go.com

Sweet Mel’s

Come check out the new addition to Downtown Gainesville, where every Monday through Friday, from 11 am to 3 pm, they’re rolling out their $9 Wing Bar with flavors like Wild Turkey, Boom Boom, Hawaiian, Jerk, the Fire and more! If you’re looking for more of a meal, they also have an array of burgers, salads, entrees and chubbies, which are mini versions of classic sandwiches. An impressive sight, their Old Chicago burger stacks high with an Angus Beef burger, sausage, Swiss and sauerkraut and their Rise-N-Shine smothers the patty with one egg, three slices of bacon, hashbrowns and cheese, all between two slices of French toast. Sweet Mel’s also has a full liquor bar, live music and, at night, dancing! 1 W University Ave, Gainesville, FL 32601 352-240-6644

Szechuan Palace

For a high-quality, low-priced Chinese Buffet, Szechuan Palace is a place where the chefs provide a blend of Mongolian, Cantonese and Szechuan cuisines. The buffet hosts a number of appetizers like shrimp, egg rolls, spring rolls, spare ribs and fried and steamed dumplings and all items are frequently refreshed. At night, they open up a small Sushi bar as well as an alcohol bar. The General Tso’s Chicken features a homemade sauce, and their roasted Bourbon Chicken is topped with their Garlic Butter sauce.

Specializing in catering, cuisine-to-go and cooking classes, Take Away Gourmet’s personal chef services offer an alternative to processed, institutional food. All of their dishes are made from scratch, using the finest ingredients, from a collection of well-tested recipes, featuring health-conscious dishes like the Chicken Parmesan Casserole, with its breaded and then sautéed chicken breast, topped with homemade marinara, mozzarella and Parmesan cheese and then served on a bed of pasta. Order meals that have already been prepared from the Grab and Go menu or up to three days in advance to ensure your requests. 3345 SW 34th Street #1, Gainesville, FL 32608 (352) 374-4433 www.takeawaygourmet4u.com

TCBY

Recently introducing Super Fro-Yo as a new classification of frozen yogurt, TCBY has been setting standards for the ice cream/frozen yogurt industry for almost 20 years. TCBY described Super Fro-Yo as being a special combination of nutrients that work together to improve your overall sense of well-being. TCBY offers a variety of soft-serve yogurts with flavors like Cheesecake and White Macadamia, as well as sorbets with an assortment of toppings, smoothies and other specialty items. 3102 SW 34th St, Gainesville 352) 376-5665 1600 Southwest Archer Road, Gainesville (352) 379-5580 2441 Northwest 43rd Street Ste 24C Gainesville (352) 378-1051 www.tcby.com

Texas Roadhouse

For hand-cut steaks, fall-off-the-bone ribs, made-from-scratch sides, homemade bread and a fair price, Texas Roadhouse is just the place. The best deals for a hungry college student are one of the Texas-size combos: For only around $16, guests can choose a main dish, such as their savory sirloin steak and team it with BBQ chicken, Ribs or Grilled Shrimp, as well as their choice of two sides. 3830 SW Archer Road, Gainesville, FL 32608 (352) 377-2820 www.texasroadhouse.com

TGI Fridays

With daily, cheap drink specials and half-off appetizers, TGI Fridays remains a hot spot for college students and families. Well-known for their Jack Daniels sauce, TGI Fridays has also added three new burgers to their menu. The Southwest Burger is piled high with a 100 percent USDA Choice Black Angus Beef patty, melted pepper jack cheese, sautéed peppers and onions, crispy Cajun-spiced fried onion strings with chipotle spread and fresh sliced

avocado. Pair that with an ice-cold Sam Adams or Drifter Pale Ale, and you have the makings of a nice, laid-back afternoon. 3598 Southwest Archer Road, Gainesville, FL 32608 (352) 336-1231 www.tgifriday.com

Tropical Smoothie

Tropical Smoothie offers a healthy, nutritious variety of fresh, made-to-order smoothies, wraps, sandwiches, grilled flatbreads and gourmet salads. The island combo lets guests choose two of four options: smoothie, half bistro sandwich, half gourmet salad or a cup of soup. Try the Wasabi Roast Beef with roast beef, pepper jack cheese, romaine lettuce and a wasabi Caesar dressing on toasted ciabatta bread. They’re also open all night, making them perfect for those late night study sessions. 3345 SW 34th St # 5, Gainesville, FL 32608 (352) 379-9988 www.tropicalsmoothie.com

Willy’s Mexicana Grill

Named for its creator, Willy’s Mexicana Grill features made-to-order burritos, tacos, and quesadillas. Willy started the restaurant with a passion for making and eating great Mexican food. He still carries that passion today after years and far more locations. Most notable on the menu is the cilantro-garlic steak burrito, which folds together lean, char-grilled sirloin steak in a cilantro-garlic marinade with your choice of fillings! 3617 SW Archer Rd, 352.336.8040, willys.com

Wing Zone

If you’re in a time crunch but can’t shake the need for some hot wings, Wing Zone has got what you need. Wing Zone delivers 15 award-winning flavors of Buffalo wings, Chicken fingers, Sandwiches, Burgers, salads and shrimp right to your door. Their Thai Chili flavored wings even won best creative sauce at the 2009 Buffalo Wing Festival. If you feel like hot wings, but don’t feel like doing the work, they also offer chicken fingers. The best value for their wings or fingers lies in the $5.99 Value Meal, which features a side of their awesome wedge fries. 923 West University Avenue, Gainesville, FL 32601 (352) 377-2473 www.wingzone.com

Yume UmE

Offering a mostly Gluten-free menu, Yume Umē is a Japanese kitchen offering a variety of dishes, sushi and sandwiches, that also include vegetarian and vegan options. The Japanese Kitchen’s name stands for ‘yummy dreams’ in Japanese. Yume Umē features a new menu that encourages customization and top-quality fresh, local and sustainable ingredients. Protein options range from beef and chicken to tuna, salmon and tofu option. 3117 S.W. 34th Street, Gainesville, FL. yumeume.com

Totally useless fact: On land, fires usually move quicker uphill than downhill.


Totally useless fact: In 2002, the most popular boat name in the U.S. was Liberty.

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Totally useless fact: American car horns beep to the tone of F.

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Totally useless fact: One in every four Americans has appeared on T.V.


Totally useless fact: More money is spent on gardening than any other hobby.

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E S T AT E S G A I N E S V I L L E . C O M THEESTATESUF@GMAIL.COM • 352.692.1313 • 3527 SW 20TH AVE


Totally useless fact: In medieval Japan, dentists extracted teeth with their hands.

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ATTN: LOCAL PUBLICATIONS! Do you need a better solution to around town distribution? Street Teams can deliver your publication to over 1,000 local businesses and street boxes.

STREETTEAMSDISTRO@GMAIL.COM 78

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Totally useless fact: Technically speaking, a female “dude” is known as a “dudine.”


you sooooo cheated

S R E W ANS

CR OS SWORD

WORD HUNT!

Y FEBRUAR

SUDOKU QUOTE

fear knot!

QUIP{

GO FIGURE

Totally useless fact: Belgians have tried to deliver mail using cats. It didn’t work.

TRY SQUARES

C RYPTO

where’s frank?

LETTER BOX

MEGA MAZE

SNOWFL AKES

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hahahaha He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

Remember to

send all jokes funny@mycampus talk.com and you could win a Campus Talk t-shirt.

A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupted him. “Why do we have to learn this stuff?” The young man blurted out. “To save lives,” the professor responded before continuing the lecture.

Some newly married friends were visiting us when the topic of children came up. The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband said two would be enough for him. They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes

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until the husband thought he’d put an end to things by saying boldly, “After our second child, I’ll just have a vasectomy.” Without a moment’s hesitation, the bride retorted, “Well, I hope you’ll love the third one as if it’s your own.”

A few minutes later the student spoke up again.“So how does physics save lives?” The professor stared at the student for a long time. “Physics saves lives,” he said, “because it keeps the idiots out of medical school.”

An elderly couple is sitting in church. The woman says to her husband, “I just let out a silent fart. What should I do?” The man turns to her and says, “Well, you can start by changing the battery in your hearing aid.”

Totally useless fact: In ancient Egypt, pillows were made of stone.


eat smart Interview by Lauren Douglass

Avoiding The Freshman 15 Away from home, many freshman are tempted by unlimited bagels, pasta and late-night pizza. Especially, after being home for the holidays, it is easy to fall into a rut when you get back to school. The result? An unwanted weight gain, better known as the “Freshman 15”. According to Rachel Berman, the Director of Nutrition for CalorieCount.com, the dreaded Freshman 15 does’t have to be so. Rachel helps guide students by sharing helpful tips, portion sizes and healthy meal and beverage ideas. So Rachel, why do so many students gain the “Freshman 15?” Well, one of the reasons is that students are on their own for the first time, and the dining hall offers a plethora of unlimited, unhealthy options that can be tough to resist. This is especially true when they’re trying to meet new friends; to students, the dining hall may seem like the best place for that. So, is there no way to avoid this dining hall disaster? There are always healthy options in the dining hall, like the salad bar or fresh vegetables to pair with all your meals. I always like to use the “plate method” to visualize what my plate should look like. We should typically fill half of it with fruits and vegetables, then leave a quarter for protein foods, and another quarter for high-fiber, starchy foods. As long as the plate isn’t 15 inches in diameter, it can help us keep our portion sizes somewhat under control. What other methods can students use to avoid poor eating? Behaviorally, I think one thing you can do is plan ahead. Many colleges will offer menus online, so you can have a meal plan in place, rather than going in without one in mind. Also, going with friends can influence your choices. I always tell people to avoid walking around with friends. Meet them at the table with your food instead, so you won’t be tempted to eat what they’re eating. What are some common mistakes that students make in regards to their diet overall? Students don’t eat enough throughout the day. They wake up, run to class, maybe grab a coffee on the go, but they aren’t necessarily thinking. I know it’s cliche, but having breakfast really is the most important meal of the day. Research shows that it helps cognitively during class, and can also help us make healthier decisions all day long. Breakfast jumpstarts your metabolism, especially if you eat a combination of fiber and lean protein foods. This combination can keep your blood sugar

more stable and makes you less likely to run straight to a pizza joint after class because it’s the quickest and easiest thing available. What suggestions do you have to avoid this trend? Pack snacks that have some kind of wholesome, nutritional value. Not something like gummy bears, which will cause a rapid increase and decrease in your blood sugar. Pack something quick, like an energy bar that has some fiber, or some fruit and string cheese. If you have access to a kitchen, you can cook your own meals and store them in tupperware.

and though people tend to veer away from it, as long as you’re keeping your portions in check, choosing whole wheat whenever you can, and adding some protein or vegetables, pasta is a good, low-cost route. What are some ways that alcohol can effect weight gain, and what are some healthier ways to include it? If you go out on an empty stomach, your inhibitions are much lower and you get very hungry because you haven’t been eating. Then you end up ordering that 2 AM pizza with meat and cheese, or you just drink a lot and the calories add up. Any calories consumed in excess of what your body can use for energy gets stored as fat, so even though beer has no fat in it, it will still be stored that way. I recommend that you don’t go into a party hungry; have a snack before. Try to alternate between an alcoholic beverage and a glass of water; you’ll be drinking less and you’ll have better judgement later on.

What about portion control? Can you give me some guidelines? When you’re dealing with grains (which include things like cereal, rice and pasta) a technical serving size is a half a cup. However, a portion that’s appropriate would be about one cup per meal. That’s about the amount that can fit into your hands if you cup them together. For protein foods like chicken, turkey, fish, beans and eggs, I tell my kids they can go between three and six ounces. If you’re still hungry, you need to go for foods that are going to fill you up; not white bread or a bag of chips. Good foods are fruits and vegetables, whole grains, and dried nuts. Fresh food tends to be really expensive. What are some tips for those on a budget? As I mentioned, cooking at home is something you can try. When you’re thinking about expense, protein foods are usually the ones that are most expensive. Cheap sources of protein that you can keep in your dorm room include peanut butter, nuts, beans, and soup. You can also try canned tuna or salmon, which can be mixed with a little mayo or mustard and thrown into a pita for a healthy meal. Pasta isn’t very expensive,

Totally useless fact: In the middle ages, chicken soup was considered an aphrodisiac.

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LOVE IS IN THE…AIR? Here are a few tips for online dating:

Shortly after a breakup, I decided to join an online dating site. It was just before winter break, and I figured I could get back into the dating world even while I was at home with my family. A friend of mine was already on OkCupid and met a really great guy, so I thought “What the hay? If nothing else, it’ll at least be some entertainment.” Boy, was it entertaining.

• Think beyond the generic greeting, or mass message of “Hey, whatchya doin tonight? ;)” For something casual, it may work, but for something serious, it’s impersonal. • Don’t go for the physical compliments. “Your eyes are so blue!” comments popped up in my message box more times than I cared to delete them. • Don’t write an essay. This should be pretty obvious, but apparently it’s not.

• Say something relevant. Ask a question that is more interesting for a person to answer. Don’t just say, “So why don’t you like cucumbers?” Do you really want to start a relationship with a question about cucumbers?

By Kelly Herman

Online Dating

• Make the call. Literally. If you’re serious and you get to the stage of texting, ask when a good time to call and talk would be. This gives the person you’re chatting with a chance to schedule time just for talking to you. It also gives you both the chance to assess your chemistry.

Diaries Story

A Personal with Tips and Tricks

I created my profile, posted some pictures and voila, people were checking me out. Without all the drunken bumping and grinding of going to a bar and shouting loudly in each other’s ears, it was easy as pie. I could even be selective without the awkwardness of turning someone down in person. Starting out, getting messages felt great, too. Many people showed interested in me, my love for Pokemon and cooking for my friends; however, I also received many strange messages. If I had a nickel for every time I got a message that just said, “Hey,” or some other mild variation of a greeting, I would probably be able to buy myself a husband by now. The creepers also sent messages – I’d get emails from guys with pictures of their abs, cats, or of them wearing a wig and dress; and mama don’t play that. OkCupid, as well as some other sites, provide the benefit of allowing members to see a percentage of compatibility, rating them as a match, a friend or even an enemy. The site bases the percentages on your answers to a variety of questions and how they match up to the same questions answered by others. Messages from guys who had tiny icons of campus talk

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their biceps rated as either not a match (around 40 percent or less) or as an “enemy” (the “wig guy” was 0 percent match, 0 percent friend and 86 percent enemy.) The baffling thing about the online dating world is that, even with the resources and statistical information that streamlined the pickup, most men were not using it. I even include certain details on my profile telling people what I wanted, featuring specific details such as a preferred age range and personality traits. Despite such details, I still had 45 year olds messaging me, wondering if I would be interested in a “fun time” (whatever THAT meant…). Looking for entertainment on a dating site is worth it, but only if you have a broad sense of humor, a thick skin and an ability to suffer fools. Otherwise, leave the flirtatious Internet world of photos and quizzes to those looking for something very casual or very serious. Pick the right site, do some homework, start several accounts and figure out which one gives you the responses you’re looking for. Some are more relationship-oriented, while others are more casual. Don’t be afraid to cast a wide net.

• Talking on the phone can be awkward, but persevere! It’s better to know what the other person sounds like and how they speak before you meet them. You might find something over the phone that’s a deal breaker – an up-talker or, for women, a guy that speaks very femininely. The details make all the difference. If you’re not attracted to someone over the phone, it makes it easier to end things before the meet-up, which keeps you from having to go through a whole mess of awkwardness. You’re welcome. • Meeting up is up to you two. Only you now how fast you want to make things move. The time of day of the meet also depends on the kind of situation with which you’re comfortable. Trust your gut, trust advice, but also know that every relationship moves at different speeds. • Don’t get sucked in! If you’ve found someone you like, disable your account. It’s not worth hurting a potential mate by keeping up appearances. It’s also not worth your time to stay online if you have something working in the real world. If online dating doesn’t work out – don’t force it. You may just be better at blind dates with friends-of-friends-of-friends. Whether you take the online dating plunge, or decide it just isn’t for you, hopefully you don’t mind invites to learn how big someone’s junk is, or if they’re wearing underwear, because you’ll get that on the Internet just as much as in real life. Some things you just have to find out the hard way: through lots of grimacing and discomfort.

Totally useless fact: Ancient Rome had a rent-a-chariot business.


oooh, nasty!

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Need a new apartment or roommate, go to www.collegerentals.com.

Totally useless fact: In snow skiing, most men fall on their faces while most women fall on their behinds.

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THE JOKE’S ON YOU!

The Practical By Ami Gavarian

Pranker’s Guidebook While it may bring you great discomfort when she says it’s that time of the month, surely you get a tingly feeling all over when we say it’s that time of the year. Yup, it’s April, which can only mean one thing – watch out! We’re coming at you from every angle with newer and better pranks to make your April Fools as mischievous and maniacal as possible.

Stall-ing For Time

For those of you living in the dorms, the universal evil we can all relate to is waiting for the one stall in the bathroom to be vacant. Except today. Grab a pair of boots (or any other shoes with high leggings) and a rope. Place the boots on the floor as if they belonged to someone handling his or her business on the can. With the rope, tie shut and lock the stall door from the inside (you can tie the rope to a handlebar, the toilet or the paper dispenser). Then sit idly by as everyone on your floor gets pissy about not being able to drop a deuce.

Bonus Prank:

Add a prerecorded voice track of constipated noises to really throw your victims off. campus talk

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I Think I’m Skating Hearing On Thin Things Ice Your roomie is your good buddy… just not on April Fools. Sneak into his or her room before bedtime and steal their alarm clock. Set the alarm for some absurdly early time, like 4 a.m., and conveniently hide it in the back of his or her closet. Be sure to turn the volume up as loud as possible. The best part about this prank is that you have the opportunity to get the rest of your roomies, too, when they all stumble out of their rooms wondering what the hell that incessant beeping sound is.

Dorm and apartment pranks are almost too easy sometimes. And that’s just the way we like it! When your buddy goes to sleep, it’s time for you to prank that ass back to the stone age. Fill a long, thin baking sheet with pee (yours or others… we won’t ask where you got it from). Put the sheet in the freezer for a few hours and take out when frozen. Slide the frozen pee under your target’s door so they’ll wake up the next morning to a bright yellow surprise… and we don’t mean the sun.

Spicy Sip O’ Soda

You and your friends are enjoying a quick bite to eat somewhere when you suddenly remember how one of your friends pranked the hell out of you last year. It’s time for payback. Employ another one of your friends to aid and abet you by grabbing the target and having him or her removed from the table for a few minutes. When the pair leaves, grab a packet of hot sauce and make a beeline for the target’s drink. Remove the lid from the cup and place the straw inside the opened packet. Close the lid and patiently wait for your buddy to take the spiciest sip o’ soda ever.

Safe Sexplosions

A condom can hold up to five gallons of water and be safely transported holding said water on a greased piece of cardboard. Why do you need to know this? Because you’ll need extensive practice with handling a ready-to-burst baby-blocker if you’re going to successfully pull off this prank. Take the loaded condom and gently move onto your target’s bed. When your mark tries to move it, the condom will explode everywhere, creating a small flood in his or her dorm or apartment. By the way… we trust you’re more creative than simply using water to fill the condom.

Totally useless fact: Ropesville, Lariat and Loop are all towns in Texas.


THE JOKE’S ON YOU!

Warning

Quit Horsing Around

After a night of partying and drinking, it’s almost too easy to prank the ever-loving crap out of your friends and enemies. Take your most inebriated target to the nearest horse farm and place him on the ground next to one of the animals. As an added bonus, bring lipstick, smear it all over the horse’s mouth and draw a kiss mark on your friend’s face. If you have the willingness to strip your friend down to further drive home the idea, go for it. If not, no one will blame you…

Warning:

Make sure your local farm isn’t owned by a gun-toting, trigger-happy psychopath hell-bent on shooting any trespassers. That could be bad…

This is the grossest prank ever submitted to CT! Do not try this at home (or anywhere for that matter)!

Roll-in’ With The Homies

This is the perfect prank to use after a trip to the all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet or any other restaurant that might require you being within 10 feet of a bathroom at all times after dining. Break into your mark’s washroom and find every roll of toilet paper available. The next two steps are simple: turn on sink; drop TP in water. Place the soaking rolls back where you found them (including a roll on the spinner). When your buddy goes to take a crap, he’ll realize he’s sh** out of luck!

Totally useless fact: The average cat has 24 whiskers.

Tastes Like Crap Lost Your Marbles

If you really want to make your buddies lose their minds, look no further than this funny prank! Wake up early (or at least earlier than your roommates) and remove all the contents in the kitchen pantry. Replace the food with as many marbles as you can possibly find (don’t be cheap… you can get sacks of them for peanuts at Target). The added bonus is waiting to see if they’ll trip over the loose marbles spilling out when they open the door.

The Runny Man

Everyone knows one of those workout warriors with ‘roid rage who spends every waking hour at the gym. It’s time to knock this musclehead down a peg or two. Grab his 20-pound treasure trove of supplement powders and replace with laxatives. You won’t be able to tell if he’s pushing his limits on the bench press or merely trying to keep a turtlehead from squeezing out.

You’ve seen it in Caddyshack. You’ve tried it at your community pool when you were six. Now it’s time to reprise this oldie-but-goodie. The next time you’re lounging around the community pool, drop a Baby Ruth chocolate bar at the bottom of the shallow end. When someone notices it, the real fun will ensue as everyone squirms and screams like little girls… until they realize it’s a candy bar. Do this a few more times until they get keen to your prank… then substitute the Baby Ruth for actual dookie. Now that’s how you pull off a prank! campus talk

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WHO STASHED THE CANDY

flicks By daniel sutphin

Identity Thief WHAT: Comedy Crime WHO: Jason Bateman,

e Scan th

e coed e the

to s trailer!

A Glimpse Inside the Mind of Charles Swan III Warm Bodies WHAT: Comedy Horror Romance WHO: Nicholas Hoult, Teresa

Palmer and John Malkovich WHEN: February 1 Post zombie apocalypse, a zombie referred to as R rescues a live girl, Julie, from a zombie attack. She sees that R isn’t like the other zombies and begins to form a bond with him. Their connection kicks off a series of events that begin to transform R back to life, as well as others in the lifeless world. campus talk

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WHAT: Comedy WHO: Charlie Sheen, Jason

A Good Day to Die Hard WHAT: Action Crime Thriller WHO: Bruce Willis, Jai Courtney

and Mary Elizabeth Winstead WHEN: February 14 John McClane returns to the big screen, but this time, it’s on a trip to Russia to help out Jack, his wayward son. Upon arrival, John realizes that his son is actually a CIA operative trying to stop a nuclear-weapons heist. The father and son must team up to defeat the underground forces.

Schwartzman and Bill Murray WHEN: February 8 Combining this all-star comedic cast, Glimpse focuses on the life of a playboy named Charles (Sheen) and his downward spiral of doubt, confusion and reflection; the results of a break up with his true love, Ivana. Supported by his fellow dreamers – Kirby (Schwartzman), Saul (Murray) and his sister, Izzy (Arquette) – he starts to reevaluate himself in order to come to terms to life without Ivana.

Melissa McCarthy and John Cho WHEN: February 8 Diana (McCarthy) has been living the life in Miami. The only problem, it’s on someone else’s dime. To fund her life of luxury, she’s been using the name “Sandy Bigelow Patterson”, which belongs to an accounts rep (Bateman) who lives halfway across the country. The only way to stop her is for the real Sandy to drive to Miami and hunt down the thief and bring her back to his home state, Denver, to make her pay for her crimes and return his name to its former good status.

Beautiful Creatures WHAT: Drama WHO: Alice Englert, Viola Davis

and Emma Thompson WHEN: February 14 Based in a small Southern town, Ethan meets a mysterious new girl, Lena. In this adaptation of Kami Carcia and Margaret Stohl’s series of novels, Lena finds that she has a history of dark family secrets surrounding witchcraft. As her family tries to sway Lena to either the light or the dark, Lena fights for her love with Ethan, one her family has deemed forbidden.

Totally useless fact: There are more telephones than people in Washington D.C.


rent me! Argo WHAT: Drama Thriller WHO: Ben Affleck, Bryan Cranston

and John Goodman WHEN: February 19 Six Americans have found shelter at the Canadian Ambassador’s home during the peak of the Iranian revolution. In order to extract those Americans, a CIA ‘exfiltration’ specialist cooks up a plan to have the Americans pose as a Canadian film crew hired to shoot a science fiction film called Argo.

Small

Screen

Sinister WHAT: Crime Horror Thriller WHO: Ethan Hawke, Juliet

Rylance and James Ransone WHEN: February 19 A true-crime novelist moves into a new home to investigate how and why a family was murdered. While storing some boxes in the attic, he discovers a dusty box left over from what he thinks is the previous family. Little did he know that by watching the footage, he would discover the reasons behind the other family’s death, and in doing so put his own family in the path of a supernatural being that was believed to consume the souls of human children.

The Loneliest Planet

The Master WHAT: Drama WHO: Philip Seymour Hoffman,

Joaquin Phoenix and Amy Adams WHEN: February 26 Set in the 1950s, the Master follows a young drifter fresh from the war, as he attempts to acclimate himself back into society. Drunk and irrational he wanders onto a ship and meets a charismatic intellectual whose faith-based organization is catching on in America. The drifter becomes his right-hand man, but threatens the organization’s progress with his behavior.

Totally useless fact: The Oval Office is only 22 feet long.

The Perks of Being a Wallflower WHAT: Comedy Drama WHO: Logan Lerman, Emma

Watson, Ezra Miller, Mae Whitman, Kate Walsh WHEN: February 12 Based on the best-selling novel by Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower focuses on the many ups and downs of growing up. The heart-felt tale is one of love, loss, fear and hope-and the close friends that help us through life.

WHAT: Drama Suspense/Thriller WHO: Gael García Bernal, Hani

Furstenberg, Bidzina Gujabidze WHEN: February 26 The summer before their wedding, young lovers Alex (Bernal) and Nica (Furstenberg) are backpacking in the Caucasus Mountains in Georgia. After hiring a guide, the three set off trading stories and playing games to pass the time. Life seems good, until one momentary misstep occurs, threatening to undo everything the couple believed about each other and themselves. campus talk

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hilarious!

A cab driver picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring and he replies, “I have a question to ask you but I don’t want to offend you.”

She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that: No. 1, you have to be single and No. 2 you must be a Catholic.” The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I am single and I’m Catholic too!”

She says, “My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”

The nun says, “OK, pull into the next alley.” He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy.

“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”

“Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I’m married and a I’m a Baptist.”

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. “My dear child.” said the nun, “Why are you crying?”

The nun says, “That’s OK, I am on the way to a Halloween party and my name is Kevin.”

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Totally useless fact: When astronomer Tycho Brahe lost the tip of his nose in a duel, he replaced it with a gold one.


SWEATIN’ TO THE OLDIES By Brian Hodges

The Best Of The Worst

Fad Diets Of All Time Fad diets, like Atkins, HerbaLife and Bulimia, are hardly a new phenomena. For as long as people have worried about saddlebags and love-handles (read: since whole populations stopped starving to death), there have been enterprising health gurus willing to sell you their diet du jour. Here are some of the more ridiculous regiments that supposedly intelligent people have followed in the name of trimmer guts and tinier butts.

THE GREAT MASTICATOR DIET (1900s) Fad: As its name indicates, followers of this diet were encouraged to masticate their food. Hey now, I said masticate, which means to chew and chew until you’re essentially swallowing a liquid. Yummy, no? The theory was that excessive chewing allowed food to properly mix with saliva while decreasing the amount of food needed to feel full. Failure: The fact that followers were routinely urged to examine their own feces might have had something to do with its failure. But, also, the diet’s motto just sounded perverted: “Nature will castigate those who don’t masticate.” Oh, you think I’m making that up, don’t you?

THE DESERT DIET (1720s) Fad: That’s desert, not dessert, my detailoriented friends. And okay, this one wasn’t a diet so much as a total lifestyle change. In his book, The Causes and Effects of Corpulence, Thomas Short observed that fat people tended to live near swamps. He therefore suggested, altogether logically, that colonial chunky-butts should move their big badonkadonks to drier climates. I’m paraphrasing, of course.

BEFORE

AFTER

Failure: Well, this was the 18th century. Moving from one climate to another wasn’t as easy as driving the minivan on I–75. Most prospective dieters were probably shot by bandits before losing the first pound.

THE HAY THE CABBAGE THE GRAPEFRUIT DIET (1920s) Fad: No, this isn’t the equestrian’s answer to SOUP DIET (1980s) DIET (1930s) rabbit food. Dr. William Hay implored dieters Fad: From day to day, you’d alternate between eating all vegetables but no fruit, all fruit but no bananas, all bananas but no vegetables, all meat but no potatoes, all potatoes but no beans… seriously it goes on and on with no apparent rhyme or reason. But the real catch is you were expected to constantly fill up on as much cabbage soup as you could possibly stomach. Weight loss presumably happened once your body started retching at the mere mention of cabbage or soup.

Failure: Besides the fact that cabbage soup dieters lost mostly water weight as opposed to fat, consuming that much cabbage made you fart so heinously, people would smell like a group of tailgating New York Giants fans. 90

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Fad: In what sounds like an Atkins precursor, the Grapefruit Diet allowed you to have as much meat, butter and fat as you wanted… so long as you ate a grapefruit before every meal. Supposedly, fats from protein could be burned off by a “magic ingredient” in the grapefruit… probably the same ingredient that makes most people (besides your grandma) not like grapefruit.

Failure: This one pops its head out of the dieting permafrost every decade or so despite the fact that scientists still don’t know what this supposed “magic” ingredient is. Fundamentally, there are worse things a dieter could do since eating a grapefruit (or any fruit for that matter) before a meal makes you feel fuller faster. Just don’t go chasing it with bacon and buttermilk…

not to eat acidic foods, such as meat, fish and dairy, at the same time as alkaline foods, such as rice, grains and potatoes. Hay claimed that keeping to one side of the pH chart during each meal generated the optimum secretion of enzymes for total digestion. “Incompatible mixing” created too much acid and turned you into a big fat fatty… apparently. Failure: Actually, this one is still going strong amongst naturopaths and raw food hippies… though it generally has more to do with nutrition than weight loss. Proponents of “Food Combining” claim the separation of acidic and alkaline foods helps with absorption and prevents backups in the colon, which is an oh-so-appetizing mental picture.

Totally useless fact: Grocery shoppers spend an average of 8 minutes waiting in line at the supermarket.


very funny!

ember Rem send all jokes to funny@mycampus talk.com and you could win a Campus Talk t-shirt.

Q: Why do men get their most energy in bed? A: Because they’re plugged into the proper hole!

The class assignment in English composition was to write about something unusual that happened during the past week. Little Irving got up to read his story. “Papa fell in the well last week,” he began. “Good heavens,” shrieked Mrs. Kroop, the teacher. “Is he all right now?” “He must be,” said little Irving. “He stopped yelling for help yesterday.”

Q: Why are guys like parking spaces? A: The best ones are always taken!

Totally useless fact: The average cost of a movie ticket in 1940 was 24 cents.

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SHE LOVES ME… SHE LOVES ME NOT

Valentine’s Day Cards

Gone Awry

Screw Hallmark! We’re taking back Valentine’s Day once and for all with our very own love notes. Just don’t expect the same old sappy crap you’re used to. That stuff makes us sicker than a frat pledge the morning after big brother night.

ncern: It May Co e, but I’m To Whom na re of your m I’m not really su t to spend last night go really glad we tic. If I as truly roman w It . er th ge to ndbag, I ha ur yo in ked accidentally pu ize… I needed to get og t to bed sincerely apol ed before I wen nd. er m m really ha ta rs de re you un with you. I’m su interested in hooking re u’ yo if , Anyway e way… e know. By th up again, let m pop up near your lips to expect a sore ay! D Vpy ap H . on so Sincerely, Snuck Out Guy Who Just The Unnamed le You Were Sleeping Whi Your Window

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, My Life u Love Of yo To The t describe how much yes o n n t… ca h g s u rd o Wo cond th se n O g, all e. in m at mean to began d er since we me from watching Ev . n ca y e th p s. done is kee you’ve ever nking with my buddie n ke ri d ta d ly al an ic s rt at o sp ’ve system u never yo , e h re w o x rm Furthe hibited se in n u to t h away my rig thing I am owed as an ve e lo I want – som ale. All that aside, I still r me m t fo n k e o sc co le u o yo ad it’s because boob you. Maybe d you recently got a many an t d h an ig n ay ry -D ve V e ss, Happy le e h rt ve e job. N me! more to co Love,

riend rateful Boyf Your Ever-G ommate. with your ro t p e sl y tl n P.S. I rece Dear Sno o You are the be kums, st matter that yo boyfriend ever! It doesn’t u minutes in be can’t last longer than two d. kissing my ne Or the fact that you think ck adequate fore once constitutes as pl we love each ay. All that matters is that ot together. Spea her and continue to grow ki are those pills ng of “growing”… how I got you wor king out? All My Love, Honey Pie

Totally useless fact: There are 68,000 miles of phone line in the Pentagon.


CLEAN DES A K â&#x20AC;Śthe sign of a cluttered drawer.


one liners!

p u k c Pi s e n i L

e u’re in lov o y w o n k You ’t fall n a c u o y n whe reality e s u a c e b asleep n better tha y ll a in f is ms. your drea

a I must be snowflake be c a u se I ’ve fallen for you .

If 1,000 painters worked for a 1,000 years, they could not create a work of art as beautiful as you.

Are you an interior decorator? When I saw you th e room became bea utiful.

Baby, if you were words o n g n i a page, you’d ometh s be s i e Ther what they call ith w g n o wr ne. FINE PRIN o h p l l T! my ce ave n’t h It does ber um your n in it.

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Totally useless fact: The average car in Japan is driven 4,400 miles per year, in the U.S. its 9,500 miles per year.


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Campus Talk February 2013