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www.mycampus talk .com july 2013

CAMPUS TALK IS A COLLEGE STUDENT’S BEST FRIEND

In Pursuit of Dreams with “Orphan Black” actress Inga Cadranel

Striving for

Success

A Chat with Indie-Rock band Belt

Cheap

Eats for the College Lifestyle

Bike

Share Programs in America

ith An Interview w Star " 03 "Apartment 13 le el Julianne Mich

Understanding

Couple Apps

Gadgets • Movies • Celebs • Nightlife • Jokes • Tons of funny stuff 1 Totally useless fact: xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

campus talk

october 2006


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BREAKIN’ IT DOWN!

CONTENTS

GOOD

P52

READING

09 Bike Share Programs

P67

10 Absolute Last Resort in

Parenting Advice 12 Big Dreams, Big Hit 14 The Science of Success 16 Cheap Eats P42 30 How 2 Become a Man of Mystery 49 Uncovering the Truth Behind the Actions of Women 52 Kickin’ Into Action with Kwik Tek 55 How 2 Survive a Long Distance Relationship 58 How 2 Dump Her Gracefully 65 6 Sporting Events You Must See Live P49

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P58

P81 67 Science’s Seemingly

P65

Stupidest Studies 81 Beyond the Gastronomic Universe As We Know It 82 Couples Apps 84 Julianne Michelle 90 How 2 Get Him to Want You as a Girlfriend 92 Secure a Job and Protect Your Identity

CLUB PICS

71–78 Club pics are brought to you by mycampustalk.com

Totally useless fact: Dr. Jack Kevorkian first patient has Alzheimer’s disease.


breakin’ it down!

FOR YOUR

P14

ENTERTAINMENT 18 Hey Baby

20 Facebook Funnies 22 How 2 Write a

P09

College Paper 29 Neighborhood Dispute 32 Man Test 34 Anti-Stress Kit 35 Cookies of Fortune 38 Why Siri Why? 41 My Rough LIfe 42 Home Remedies 43 Lessons 45 No Pets 61 Real American Badasses: Washington 64 Spot the Difference 86 Flicks P90

P16

P55

P61 P30

P22

Totally useless fact: When possums are playing ‘possum’, they are not “playing.” They actually pass out from sheer terror.

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WHAT’S on!

Editors ‘

LETTER A Spark for the Summer Lull Finding a spark in the day to day process of living can sometimes be an arduous task; at times, even more trouble than it’s worth. Often enough, it’s easier just to go with the flow and get it over with to get to whatever the next highlight is on the reel. Some people might call this living for the weekend. Where that can be an easier approach, it’s important to try to find some sort of highlight for each day, whatever that may mean to you. Otherwise, monotony sets in and you will find yourself in the proverbial “rut.” To encourage such a spark, CT is here for your assistance. This month we sit down with “Orphan Black” actress Inga Cadranel to discuss the hit series, her career as an actor

and the dreams she looks to fulfill. We also caught up with indie-rock band Belt to talk music and the many tests that come along in a music career. And as with each month, we’ve thrown in plenty of jokes, tips and opinions to fascinate and educate. The spark can be big or little, as long as you try to find it. Balance is key to a successful college experience, so remember to take a breather from the books every now and then. Having fun doesn’t always hurt, depending, of course, on what you consider to be fun.

Daniel Sutphin

Editor-IN-CHIEF

Lauren Douglass

CONTENT EDITOR

LAUREN Michelle KOLANSKY

art director

DANIEL TIDBURY

Graphic Design

DANIEL TIDBURY LISA TORRES JANE DOMINGUEZ

staff writers

Brian hodges JOHN SCHECK

Contributing Writers

Marc Douglass kelly herman Evan Gerstel bella fountain David Wyett Cari Cooney Frank the cab driver julia fleming jake craney chris humpherys Chris Jenkins LAUREN Michelle KOLANSKY DANIEL SUTPHIN Kelly Herman

FASHIon FEATURES

If you have any comments you’d like to share with CT, send them in to mail@mycampustalk.com and you’ll be entered into a drawing to win prizes!! You may only be entered once, so don’t send us 50 comments thinking you’ll enhance your chances of winning! Employees of Campus Talk magazine, their relatives, their twins from alternate universes and their healthcare providers are prohibited from entering this drawing. Everyone else is eligible to participate… except for pandas. No pandas allowed.

Lauren-Michelle KolanskY Emily Alter

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Promotions

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director of advertising

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SALES

Bryan porter

Legal Counsel

Gary Edinger

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president of operations

MARC DOUGLASS

Campus talk is licensed for publishing rights in florida to whp, inc. other markets are available. for information on owning campus talk in another city, please contact us. phone :

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visit online :

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This magazine is rated EFH for Extremely Freakin’ Hilarious. EFH [WHP - A diversified marketing & publishing organization] Let us help you reach thousands with outdoor advertising on The What’s Happening Truck

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Full service design studio providing clients with our best creative talents.

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Publishing division creating the best in college publications to college students.

Connecting students to student properties clear across the country. Traffic is our middle name.

From pens to ping pong tables, our promotional department can handle all of your logo merchandising needs.

Campus Talk is a humor magazine dedicated to relieving students of the pressures of everyday college life. Among essay exams, crowded classrooms, boring professors and messy roommates, Campus Talk offers a welcome diversion for those students “just trying to get away from it all.” Different viewpoints may grace our pages but may not all represent the opinions of Campus Talk Magazine or its staff. Campus Talk should not be read by anyone suffering from heart ailments, unfunny syndrome or halitosis. All images depicted are purely coincidental. Copyright 2009. All rights reserved, What’s Happening Publications, Inc.

Totally useless fact: In Disney’s Fantasia, the Sorcerer’s name is “Yensid” (Disney backwards.)


PARK YOUR CAR AND PEDAL

by john scheck

Bike-Share

Programs The Greatest Thing Since Move off the cycle path, sliced bread, the next greatest thing is bicycle sharing and it’s coming to a corner near you (if you’re lucky). After winning over city after city throughout Europe bike-sharing systems are popping up all over the American cityscape. It’s such a simple idea that it’s a miracle that no one thought of it sooner. How it works is that stations are placed at locations all over a city where you can unlock a bicycle to use for 30-60 minutes and then return it to another station. You simply swipe an ID card at the station, punch in your PIN, unlock a bike, ride it to your destination, and lock it again at that station. The cost is between $20–25 a year and there are no extra charges unless you go over the time limit, although you have limitless access to the bikes throughout the day. As soon as you dock your bike at a station you can take out another one immediately.

These systems solve more problems for the individual than you can begin to list but here are just a few: you no longer have to worry about bike theft. Say goodbye to bike maintenance as well. Most of the bikes are custom-built for these systems and have solid rubber tires so no more flat tires. Storing a bike of your own can be a problem for city dwellers. Either you have to keep your bike in your apartment or leave it on the street at the mercy of thieves. Getting in and out of the elevator with my mountain bike takes the skill and flexibility of a yoga master – something I definitely am not and my attempts at entry and egress would surely rate high on America’s Funniest Home Videos. For cities with more evolved mass transit systems bike-share programs integrate logically with buses, metros and trains. In my city the stations are no more than 300 meters from each other, so if there are no bikes at your station you don’t have long to walk to find another. The bikes are equipped with lights, adjustable seats, and baskets for carrying everything from a bag of groceries to your luggage when coming home from the train station. Bike sharing programs are instantly creating a bike culture in cities where one never existed before – that’s what happens when you instantly dump thousands of new bikes on the population (cycling in Paris spiked 70 percent after their program started). It’s dizzying to imagine the long-term benefits of getting more people out of their cars and on to a bike: less carbon emissions, less traffic, less need for parking, fewer automobile accidents, less road repairs and healthier citizens. Is there such a thing as a Win-WinWin situation? And on top of all of that biking is just plain fun!

Totally useless fact: Humans are the only primates that don’t have pigment in the palms of their hands.

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WHEN SIMPLY IGNORING KIDS ISN’T ENOUGH By john scheck

Absolute Last Resort in

Parenting

Advice

Although I don’t have any fancy degrees I did take an introductory psychology class Pass/Fail before being expelled from college. Pass/Fail? You’d think that my odds were at least 50/50, a coin toss, but I came up short on that little wager. Anyway, I didn’t let a botched academic career and two felony convictions get in the way of becoming a world-renowned child behavior analyst and talk show host. Today I’m here to answer questions about your little – and often extremely violent – balls of joy. I may not have kids of my own but at least I’m not helping to raise tomorrow’s prison population, which makes me practically a hero in today’s America.

Dear Absolute Last Resort in Parenting Advice, My 12-year-old boy is a completely squirrely, anti-social moron who suffers from Attention Deficit Disorder and a host of other mental issues even though I allow him to watch at least 11 hours of television a day. He is also permitted unlimited and unsupervised use of video games. What am I doing wrong? Sincerely, Exasperated in Eau Claire Dear EiEC, Keep doing what you’re doing. I can’t imagine your parenting habits have anything to do with your child’s creepiness. Blame his teachers. Dear ALRiPA, For Christmas I bought my daughter a Nokia Lumia cell phone for Windows. When she opened it on Christmas morning she burst into tears and hurled the unwanted gift in my face. I took the phone back that same day and replaced it with the iPhone she wanted. My question is this: Do you think that I have already done irreparable damage to my daughter’s self-esteem by suggesting with the original gift that she didn’t deserve the iPhone? Yours Truly, Chipped Tooth Mom in Chattanooga Dear CTMiC, What kind of monster would buy their child anything but a Blackberry or an iPhone? I would say that you are worse than Hitler except that Hitler had the sense not to have children. You need to accept the fact that your daughter will one day be a serial killer … if you’re lucky. If you aren’t she could grow up to work on Fox News. Dear ALRiPA, When my seven-year-old child gets upset he often strikes me either with his bare fists or with whatever toy he happens to be playing with at the time of the outburst. I’m afraid that if I try to block the blows I may hurt my little angel. Any suggestions? Regards, Worried and Bruised in Bakersfield Dear Worried and Bruised, Although a seven-year-old can indeed inflict some serious damage they usually don’t have the stamina or heart to go the full 12 rounds. Simply allow him to get in his licks and eventually he will tire himself out. Remember to keep a bag of frozen peas around to reduce swelling in his knuckles. I would also suggest that you do nothing to rile him when he’s playing baseball ... at least when he’s at bat. 10

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Totally useless fact: The 3 most valuable brand names on earth are Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and Budweiser (in that order).


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THE GIFT OF ACTING

Orphan Black is wowing audiences with its twists, turns and shocking surprises. Here to discuss the series is actress and mom Inga Cadranel. We talk about her experience on the set, the business aspect of acting and her exciting plans for the future.

Big Dreams Big Hit Interview by Sarah G. Mason

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Totally useless fact: Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.


THE GIFT OF ACTING

Tell me about the new series Orphan Black. It’s a sci-fi series about clones. The main character played by Tatiana Maslany finds out she’s a clone, and the story is about the adventures and surprises and shocking mysteries that follow thereafter. My element in the show is as a detective in the precinct where the clones work. What makes Orphan Black different from other sci-fi stories? It’s real. It doesn’t jump into a world of space and science. At the beginning, it’s hard to tell what even makes it science fiction because it seems like a normal cop show or the story of someone’s life. As the series continues, we slowly start to see that the plot is more complicated than what meets the eye. It’s atypical, and I think people can put themselves in the story and imagine it happening to them. What was your biggest challenge with this role? It’s hard to use the word “challenge” because in this job, I don’t think anything is a challenge; it’s more of a gift. I suppose the only challenge was meeting the standards of the show. I try to bring that to my work anyway, but the Orphan Black script is so good, the people are so intelligent and the acting is at such a high standard, you would stand out if you weren’t good. In that sense, I just had to bring my A game, which I found to be so refreshing and wonderful. I wouldn’t call it a challenge, but that was my work. What was it like working alongside Tatiana Maslany? She’s wonderful. Not only is she an amazing actor, but behind the set, when the cameras aren’t rolling, she’s a lovely person. When you’re on the set with different leads, you never know what you’re going to get. Believe me, I’ve had my share of not-so-lovely people. Luckily, Tat is a great girl. She’s really generous, works really hard and is professional without being arrogant about it; to have that kind of balance is hard for some actors. Tell me a little about your background. How did you get into acting? I didn’t think I wanted to be an actor for the longest time. My parents and my older brother are all actors, but I floundered around in my teens and early twenties until I just realized it had always been there in the back of my mind. I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do with the rest of my life, and I decided to give theater school a try. I stayed there for about eight months before I dropped out, but even after that I realized that I had the performer’s bug in me from my family, so I just started working from there.

Like you said, a lot of your family is in acting. How would you say that’s influenced you? The best influence my parents had on me was they enabled me to enter this business without rose-tinted glasses. I didn’t have a delusional idea about what it actually means to be an actor because I’d seen them live through it. There are ups and downs; sometimes we would have tons of money, and other times we’d be so broke we’d be getting by on leftovers. That’s the name of the game, and that’s this business; it’s really unpredictable. What are you hoping to accomplish for the rest of this year? I want to keep acting and that’s my passion, but I’m also going to start producing. We’ve got a few scripts we’ve been working on and we’ve

Totally useless fact: Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.

starting attaching the cast, so next we’re going to go for funding. I’m really busy with that and a lot of office work, which is nice because I get to do it from home. Also, I hope that Orphan Black has a second season and that Lost Girl will have a fourth. Right now, my biggest passion is trying to get something made from our own hands that is exciting and new. For my personal life, it’s seeing my kids flourish and be happy and have a great, rockin’ time. That’s all, pretty simple. Is there anything else you’d like to share with the readers? Just to keep on watching Orphan Black, because it gets way more complicated and way more intriguing as the season goes on. People are not going to believe the twists and turns that are revealed with each episode. It’ll be very cool. campus talk

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making music

Left to Right: Paulie T., Terrence Brennan, Dan Testa, Mike Bell, Mike Sutton

The

Science Interviewed By Daniel Sutphin

of Success An Interview with Indie-Rock Band BELT

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Totally useless fact: There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.


making music Chemistry plays an important factor in putting a band together. It can also be one of the more difficult tasks to match. Singer-songwriter Terrence Brennan, and founding member of the indie-rock band BELT, has experienced such challenges with his band, which has undergone 33 line-up changes since its start as a New York acoustic duo in 2003. Despite the many changing faces, Brennan stuck to his goals in music, continued to push forward and has found the group of people that makes his band click on every level. With the release of their second full-length album “All The Cool Kids Are Doing It!” due out July 16, Brennan and the other four members of BELT have been busy getting ready for a short tour of New England to promote the new album. The BELT lineup includes Brennan, long-time lead guitarist Mike Bell, drummer Mike “Pain Train” Sutton, bassist Paulie Testagrossa and backing vocalist Dan Testa. CT caught up with Brennan to discuss the new album, the single “Lions and Whales,” the changes in the band over the years and its upcoming tour. Where did the band name come from? We were sitting around drunk and stoned, tossing around silly band names. We didn’t want to take it too seriously. The Pants seemed like a good band name for us, but we didn’t want to be a “The” band. Paul (Munoz), the original backing vocalist shouted out “BELT.” It seemed like a really silly band name, but there were also a lot of cool associations you could draw to the word “Belt.” A belt could be a really big shot of whiskey, or what holds your pants up. You can belt out a song; you can belt someone in the face. We also live near the Belt Parkway in Brooklyn.

What was the inspiration behind the first single, “Lions and Whales?” My friend, Mark Tipton, was putting out an album. Mark is a seriously world class trumpet player; the dude is amazing. He wanted me to do an album cover for him. He wanted it to have a lion in the foreground and a whale in outer space in the background. It was meant to represent the end of a relationship between two completely incompatible people or something like that. Anyways, he never used the artwork, and it sat in my portfolio for a while, and eventually a song started to form in my head. That’s pretty much what kicked it off. Thanks Mark! You guys have had a lot of member changes. What kept you going through all of those ups and downs? Did it ever get to the point of feeling defeated? There always seems to be something new, something a little bigger just beyond the horizon. Suddenly, you look back and almost a decade has gone by, but what seemed like insurmountable challenges back then have been aced, and we have such a solid foundation now. I know I don’t just speak for myself when I say that there have been moments where we all kind of teetered on the edge of insanity with the stress and frustration of keeping a band together. It was a real bummer when we had to part ways with Paul Munoz. That could have been the end, but Dan Testa stepped up to the plate and knocked it out of the park, and when Paulie T. jumped in on the bass, it was like BAM! There it is. It’s been three years and we’ve finally got a band that can stick together, and we just keep getting better. It’s awesome. How do you think the music/sound has evolved over the years? Did the cycle of lineup changes have any influence on this evolution? Anytime you play with someone different, they add their own flavor. The sound of these songs has definitely changed with the people playing it. I feel like the lineup now is the best it’s ever been, and that’s because we took so long to find it. Finally, everything fits. Paul (Munoz) definitely played an important role in the genesis of this band. He kind of helped me birth a lot of our early material into its bare bones acoustic stage. In the end there were too many personality conflicts going on for me to trust him as my right hand man. It was a really hard decision, he was my friend, but the vibe was miserable. How does it feel to finally have a fulllength put together for release? We’ve actually put albums out before. We released a full-length album called “DISQUIETUDE,” in 2011. We were really happy

Totally useless fact: The average secretary’s left hand does 56% of the typing.

with it, but this upcoming album is going to be the quintessential BELT record. It’s the first time that the band on the album will match the band on stage. It’s also recorded almost completely live, so there’s a vibe that’s captured that’s never been heard on a BELT recording before. Needless to say we’re all really excited.

What’s the process that goes into songwriting? For BELT, I’ve written all of the material. The songs I write usually happen very spontaneously. When the muse strikes, she strikes fast and furious. Some of the songs on this album were written in less than 10 minutes. Once the song is put together I take it to the fellas and tell ‘em to throw down whatever they want on top. I can’t stress to you enough how professional these guys are. They’re throwing down sick lines on everything within a couple of tries. Your lyrics have a bit of humor thrown in the mix, is this due to a personal outlook on certain subjects? Is it the influence of bands like Weezer or Ben Folds Five that inspired such an approach? I love Ben Folds. I really dig that bittersweet kind of imagery you can create mixing humor and pain. Those are the kind of lyrics that are about real stuff, soul stuff. We cope with our own tragedies through humor; it’s a very deeply rooted human tradition. Making people laugh also opens them up to exploring deeper feelings. It’s important to not take yourself too seriously, I think. What’s the biggest lesson you’ve learned in this 10-year process? Probably something about work hard and don’t give up, also maybe choose your band mates wisely and never settle. Also, if it’s infected you need antibiotics, and in the game of find the smell ... nobody wins. You can hear the single “Lions and Whales” as well as others at beltmusic.net. Tour details and other band information is also available. campus talk

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FROM THE “IF YOU DON’T EAT YOU DIE” DEPARTMENT By john scheck

The first rule of cooking instant ramen noodles is to throw away the flavor packet, or at least dump out over half of it as it is almost pure salt, MSG, and other chemicals better suited for mummification than nutrition. Make sure to dispose of the flavor packet in a secure manner so that it doesn’t seep into the drinking water or destroy crops. A lot of college students are accidental vegetarians simply because they can’t afford much meat, which is why they resort to instant ramen noodles at five packs for a dollar. If you do find that you have a bit of meat or fish in the fridge you can add it to your soup to add flavor and protein.

Cheap

Eats 16

How about adding some fresh vegetables? Just about anything will do from onions, garlic, carrots, celery, spinach, cabbage and whatever else is cheap. Simply sauté the vegetables in oil in a pot until they are almost completely cooked then add the water to make the noodles. Another easy and inexpensive way to improve your meal is to add an egg to your noodle soup in one of the following ways: Hard-Boiled Egg: Add the egg to the pot of cold water and bring the water to a boil. Cook for about six minutes before you take it out to cool. You can cook the egg along with the noodles thus killing two birds – or at least one bird embryo – with one stone. Soft-Boiled Egg: Drop the egg into the soup after the water is boiling, cook for five minutes, and remove. Cool the egg in cold water before peeling. You can marinate the soft-boiled egg in soy sauce if you really want to add flavor.

Instant Noodle Gourmet

Egg-drop Soup: Simply crack an egg into your soup just before it has finished cooking. Whisk the egg into the hot liquid and it will cook in a few seconds.

Ramen noodles are sort of a bad cliché in the diet of college students but there’s no reason why you can’t elevate this lowly dish to where it belongs on the food ladder. These instant noodles have little to do with the simple yet elegant soups that feed most Asian countries. If you’re lucky enough to live in an area with a large Asian population you’re probably already familiar with a few varieties of noodle soup from the Japanese version to Vietnamese pho. A little effort on your part can bridge this gap between fast-food poison and something bordering on nutrition.

Poached Egg: Just before the soup is ready to serve, crack the egg carefully into the soup and allow to simmer gently for a minute or two.

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july 2013

The next step is seasoning your ramen soup. Sriracha sauce from Thailand is my personal favorite for spicing up my soup. Come to think of it, I use Sriracha on so many things that it would be quicker to list foods I don’t eat lathered in this paste of chili peppers, distilled vinegar, garlic, sugar and salt. I put it on popcorn, no kidding.

Totally useless fact: A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.


Grab your FREE copy next month!


funny!

hey baby…

I’m on my way home. What should we do when I get there? You know what I want to do…

hey… what happens in the shower

legitimate response cleaning body

18

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when I watch TV as background noise I surf the internet

as background noise I surf the internet

Totally useless fact: There are more chickens than people in the world (at least before that chicken-flu thing).


funny!

i want to hear you say it! yeah, we want to hear you say it ** This is something circulating on the internet and does not necessarily represent the views of anyone at Campus Talk.

what group projects taught me collaboration

trust NO ONE

what group projects are supposed to teach you teamwork

collaboration

teamwork

communications

responsibility

Totally useless fact: Two-thirds of the world’s eggplant is grown in New Jersey.

responsibility

communications

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facebook funnies

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Totally useless fact: The longest one-syllable word in the English language is “screeched.�


facebook funnies

only joking!

Remember send all jokes to funny@mycampus talk.com and you could win a Campus Talk t-shirt.

Q: What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? A: Doughnuts.

Girl: Do you believe in puppy love? Boy: No, but my uncle in Kentucky does.

Q: Why won’t Separation of Church and State ever stick? A: Because as long as there are tests, there will always be prayer in schools.

Totally useless fact: All of the clocks in the movie Pulp Fiction are stuck on 4:20.

Q: What’s the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping Tom? A: One snatches watches and the other watches snatches.

Have you ever noticed that women are like lava lamps? They’re fun to look at but not very bright.

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21


ASS-IGNMENT!

How To

3. Read over the assignment carefully to make certain you understand it.

Write A College Paper 1) Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lit place in front of your computer.

2) Log onto AIM and ICQ (be sure to go on away!). Check Facebook.

4) Walk down to the vending machines and buy some chocolate to help you concentrate. 5) Check Facebook. 6. Phone a friend and ask if he/she wants to go grab a coffee… just to get settled down and ready to work.

11) Look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.

10) You know, you haven’t written that kid you met at camp since the fourth grade. You’d better email them now and get it out of the way so you can concentrate. 13) Check Facebook. ANY OF THIS SOUND FAMILIAR YET?!

12) Grab some mp3s off of bit torrent.

ED CONTINU 35 ON PAGE

20) Check Facebook.

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7) When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lit place.

july 2013

19) While you’re getting the gum, you may as well buy a magazine and read it. Better get some Red Bull, too.

8) Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it. 9) Check Facebook.

14) AIM chat with one of your friends about the future (i.e.– summer plans).

18) Walk to the store and buy a pack of gum. You’ve probably run out.

15) Check Facebook.

16) Listen to your new mp3s and download some more.

17) text your friend on the other floor and ask if she’s started writing yet. Exchange derogatory remarks about your professor, the course, the college and the world at large.

Totally useless fact: There are six hoops on an Association croquet court.


ASS-IGNMENT!

ED CONTINU FROM PAGE 34

21) Check netflix to see if the latest season of “walking dead” has been added to the queue.

26) Look through your roommate’s photo album from back home. Ask who everyone is.

22) Play some solitaire (or Wii).

25) group message some friends to see how much work they’ve done (probably haven’t started either).

23) Check out www.bored.com.

24) Wash your hands.

31) Read over the assignment one more time, just for the hell of it. 27) Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future.

28) Check to see if www.bored.com has been updated yet.

30) You should be rebooting by now, assuming that Windows is crashing on schedule. 32) Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise. 39) Go to class, hand in paper, leave right away so you can take a nap.

33) Lie face down on the floor and moan.

34. Punch the wall and break something.

37) 5 a.m. – start hacking out the paper without stopping. 6 a.m. – paper is finished.

29) Check Facebook and listen to your new mp3s… again.

35) Check Facebook.

36) Mumble obscenities.

38) Complain to everyone that you didn’t get any sleep because you had to write that stupid paper.

40) Go to bar instead. Totally useless fact: Until 1994, world maps and globes sold in Albania only had Albania on them.

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23




   

   

   

  

     

                                   

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y l U J

play with yourself

GO FIGURE

CROS SWORD

SN OW FL AK ES

C RYPTO QUIP{

SUDOKU

Totally useless fact: The national anthem of Greece has 158 verses.  No one in Greece has memorized all 158 verses.

campus talk

rs are answe page 79 on

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25


C RYP UOTE TO Q

star map

hocus focus

Wishing well

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bridge hands

play with yourself

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july 2013

Totally useless fact: No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver or purple.


y l U J

you sooooo cheated

WORD HUNT!

! t o n k fear

MEGA MAZE where’s frank?

Totally useless fact: “Dreamt” is the only English word that ends in the letters “mt”.

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27


tic tac toe!

Use this space for TIC TAC TOE, or anything else you can think of to spare the borEdom of class!

Events in Gainesville July - August 11: Titanoboa: Monster Snake at the Florida Museum of Natural History

Get Out and About!

July - November 10: All the World’s a Frame exhibit at the Harn Museum of Art July 5, 12, 19, & 26: Free Friday Concerts on the Bo Diddley Plaza July 9: Gary Langford & The Jazz Project 4225 NW 34th Street July 13, 20, & 27: Creative B movie series at the Florida Museum of Natural History Aug. 3: Guided Tour of Kanapaha Botanical Gardens Aug. 7: NASA: A History of Space presentation 401 E. University Avenue

Summer is an exciting time to be in Gainesville. Between exhibits, concerts and floating in refreshing springs and rivers, there’s always something to do. So take a break from campus and get out and about in Gainesville. For more information and a complete listing of events visit our website.

www.visitgainesville.com 352.374.5260

VisitGainesvilleFlorida 28

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@ Gainesville

Totally useless fact: All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.


blow you!

You gotta love this

neighborhood

dispute A city councilman in Utah, Mark Easton, had a beautiful view of the east mountains, until a new neighbor puchased the lot below his and built a new home. The new home was 18 inches higher than the ordinances would allow, so Mark Easton, mad about his lost view, went to the city to make sure they enforced the lower roof line ordinance. The new neighbor had to drop the roof line, at great expense. Recently, Mark Easton called the city and informed them that his new neighbor had installed some vents on the side of his home. Mark didn’t like the look of these vents and asked the city to investigate. When they went to Marks home to see what the vents looked like, this is what they found‌

The City Council said the vents can stay since there are no ordinances referring to shutter design! Totally useless fact: Almonds are members of the peach family.

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29


A RIDDLE, INSIDE A MYSTERY, WRAPPED IN A COPY OF CAMPUS TALK!

How 2

Become a Man of…

The loner. The recluse. The mystery man. The guy who is such an enigma that others can’t help but find him interesting, cool and, yes, even sexy. You want this power but, sadly, you are not cool. So when auditioning (badly) for American Idol does nothing to enhance your popularity, try making a few changes and raise your social standing with a mysterious allure. By Brian Hodges

YOUR APPEARANCE

You don’t have to go all shaggy hair, dark sunglasses and black trenchcoat to achieve mystery status. We’re going for sexy/ mysterious here, not oh-mygod-this-guy-is-going-to-killme/mysterious. Your wardrobe should set you apart as somebody who doesn’t give a crap about what the current trends are. It could be a collection of vintage t-shirts of The Clash or The Smurfs… really anything except Hollister High School. On the other hand, it could be a full suit and tie that you wear all day every day… even to breakfast… even on Saturdays… to the beach. Whatever the fashion statement, be consistent so everyone everywhere understands that the look is uniquely, and unapologetically, yours. 30

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Mystery YOUR PHILOSOPHY

Every idea, spoken or otherwise, that emanates from your person should be shrouded in political and ideological obscurity. Whether it’s the books by Aristotle, Nietchze and Machiavelli that you’re seen reading around campus, the quotes from Karl Marx, Howard Zinn and Richard Dawkins that you regurgitate during coffee house discussions, or even those perplexing bumper stickers on your car that say, Rational Miser, Absorb and Degrade, or simply even Schwa, (You may need to Google these meanings!) Everything you say – which, incidentally, should be very little – must make others think you are an enigmatic thinker who somehow bears the unfortunate burden of knowing the full Truth.

YOUR HOBBY

Just like in the movies, every handsome mystery-freak should have some kind of odd pastime – whether it be something dangerous like playing chicken, something rebellious like destroying parking meters or something totally lame like videotaping plastic bags. Hobbies involving some equally strange prop – gyroscope, abacus, wood-burning stylus – are the best choices. Whatever leisure activity you choose, it should be eccentric enough to prompt others to inquire about it. And when they do, be prepared with a self-evident response – “What, you’ve never seen a guy inscribing cat hairs before?” – indicating that this is just another average day for a shadowy figure such as yourself.

YOUR COMMITMENT

Mystery can’t be achieved overnight. Above all else, you must allow sufficient time for the enigmatic mystery that is “you” to permeate the collective consciousness. Otherwise, everyone will recognize you for the poser that you really are. So stick with it. Stay dark. Stay mysterious. Above all, stay focused. Show everyone over and over again that you truly don’t care about what anyone thinks of you… even though, mysteriously, that’s really all you care about.

Totally useless fact: Winston Churchill was born in a ladies’ room during a dance.


how manly are you?

MAN UP! : t s e T n The MMorae Than Just s e l c s u M g n i x e Fl

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Totally useless fact: Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.


how manly are you?

In our modern, technological society, it’s not uncommon for an adult male to have, um, “overlooked,” and/or “missed out,” on many of the common skills associated with traditional “manliness.” Author Robert Dodenhoff breaks down many of those skills in an ultimate test of manhood. Never mind sports stats and useless action movie facts, in “The Man Test,” Dodenhoff challenges your knowledge with real categories that make a man, from finance and negotiation to etiquette and domestic skills.

You can find this test and more when you pick up “The Man Test” at Amazon.com for $12.99.

amounts of minerals and when the water

6) A. Distilled. Tap water contains various while still damp.

them, pull your clothes out of the dryer clothes. To prevent the risk of shrinking which can happen if you over-dry your culprit, however, is lack of moisture, dryer heat shrinks clothes. The real

5) True. A common myth is that high may scorch your clothes!

use the right temperature setting, or you 4) B. Silk, wool, cotton. Make sure you much detergent.

trap, then you’re probably using too

large amount of lint in your dryer’s lint 3) True. If you’re getting an unusually

adding chlorine bleach to your wash load. germs and sanitize your washer is by

2) False. The only way to effectively kill whites and lighter colored clothes.

the colored clothes may bleed onto your

you mix colors with whites, the dyes from because you want them to stay white. If

1) False. You wash white clothes separately

Answer Key:

Totally useless fact: A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

is turned to steam in the iron, these

5) (True/False). If some of your clothes have been shinking, it’s primarily caused by a lack of moisture, and not high dryer heat.

Laundry 101 At the very least sort your clothes into whites (and light colors), and darker colors. First, check the tags on your clothes for the care instructions. If any state, “Dry clean only,” take them to the cleaners instead. See if the tags recommend a washing temperature, and sort accordingly. Next, check

minerals are expelled in solid form

4) Your iron’s temperature settings from coolest to warmest are A) Wool, cotton, silk B) Silk, wool, cotton C) Cotton, silk, wool

Once sorted, spray any stains with a laundry pre-treatment product. Pick some up at the grocery store in the laundry products aisle. Choose hot water for your whites/ light colors, and if you want some extra cleaning power, add bleach to your load in addition to the laundry soap. Once the clothes are thoroughly mixed with water and detergent, pour one cup of bleach (for large loads) into the washer. Alternately, pour the bleach into the appropriate dispenser (if the machine has one). For colored clothes, pre-treat stains and choose the cold water setting on your washing machine. Forget using bleach though, as it may permanently remove fabric colors.

(sometimes a whitish powder). This residue

3) (True/False). If you’re getting an unusually large amount of lint in your dryer’s lint trap, then you’re probably using too much detergent.

7) (True/False). When trying to remove stains like blood, wine, or coffee, it’s recommended you was clothes in cold water.

your pockets! Nothing can ruin your clothes faster than a ballpoint pen bleading all over your wash load.

will not only clog your iron over time, but

2) (True/False). Using the hot water setting in your washer kills all the germs in your wash load.

6) It’s best to fill your iron with __________________water, rather than tap water. A) Distilled B) Mineral C) Vitamin-fortified

it also may be ironed on to your clothes,

1) (True/False). There’s no need to separately wash your white and colored clothes as long as you use the warm water setting on your washing machine.

creating unsightly, powdery stains. You can

be thinking about something other than laundry. – Jerry Seinfeld

find distilled water at the grocery store.

your clothes. I say if you have bloodstains on your clothes you should

7) True. Hot water may actually set blood,

I see TV ads about detergents that can get bloodstains out of

wine, or coffee stains – making the

Laundry and Ironing

blemish permanent.

The Man Test:

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33


ANTI-STRESS

KIT

DIRECTIONS: 1) Put down textbooks and other studying material 2) Stare intently at the big circle

3) Bang head repeatedly in middle of circle as hard as possible 4) Black out 5) Conveniently wake up after exams have ended

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Totally useless fact: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain.


UN-FORTUNE-ATE!

E? N U T OR .. F F AY. O Nothing puts that button on some S SS E I MSG-laced, coma-rendering Chinese K CIU O takeout, like the ever-informative, words CO NFU of “wisdom” found in a fortune cookie. O The following are some of those C cookies’ hidden gems (as well as a little commentary for further enjoyment)!

No o futuren. e(Acnan walk backwards into the y Wh crack atotvians wanna take a his one?) A wise m s. a (This is thne Begins by asking many question fortune the ki s e s i d who ra his hand too much keeps getting.) Now pursue thisathe time to go ahead and t lo Downey Jr. ve interest! (Robert , here I come.)

Now is a good t chyu know bout ime to buy stock. (What day trading, cookie?!)

Mil (Whetheres are covered one step at a time. or n priate shoesot you’re wearing approis a different story.)

Ton by passiigohnt you will be blinded to be excit.e(Not sure whether d or terrified.)

Penni to your deso from heaven find their way orstep for the “h this year. (Thanks eads up”.)

Romance . mo (That hapvpes you in a new direction e n e d t o K i m n w e h she hooked up with Kanye!)

Totally useless fact: Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

Others c (Were theayn help you now. hogtied before?)

The weat her i the person not s wonderful. (Says living in Florida.)

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35


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damned you siri

LIVE CLOSE. LIVE COLLEGE.

Y PL AP AY D TO

apply today @ royal village.com

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Totally useless fact: In most advertisements, including newspapers, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.


damned you siri

Totally useless fact: Al Caponeâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

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charted

things meat loaf would do for love

responses to that really long text â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;Kâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;

legitimate response

anything that

iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;d rather get shot

things we need/want

step on lego

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how congress operates

things congress does

Totally useless fact: The only real person to be a Pez head was Betsy Ross.


my rough life!

i can’t think of anything to say on facebook

Every Day is Gameday

In Gainesville every day is Gameday, only the venues change! So whether you love going outdoors or simply going out to eat, we’ve got just what you’re looking for. Paddle the Santa Fe River, dine at one of our delicious local restaurants or search for treasures at local boutiques and vintage shops downtown. Gainesville, where nature and culture meet.

Totally useless fact: A dragonfly has a lifespan of 24 hours.

www.visitgainesville.com 352.374.5260

VisitGainesvilleFlorida

@ Gainesville

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THAT WAS EASY…

CT’s 1 Home

Remedies Some problems around the house are easier solved than others. For everything else, CT’s got you covered with these basic and essential home remedies that will get you through any sticky situation you might find yourself knee deep in…

If you have a toothache, just smash your finger with a hammer. Pretty soon, you won’t even remember your toothache.

2

Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.

3

Avoid arguments with females about lifting the toilet seat… use the sink instead.

8

If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you’ll be afraid to cough.

If you’re choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.

7

A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6

You only need two tools in life: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn’t move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn’t move and does, use the duct tape.

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For high blood pressure sufferers, simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5

Totally useless fact: The sound of E.T. walking was made by someone squishing her hands in jelly.


life lessons

LESSON

2

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’ The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’ The priest apologized ‘Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.’ Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, ‘Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.’

Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Totally useless fact: A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds

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This award is presented to:

Award 2012

Clinger

CONGRATULATIONS I

n recognition of your outstanding persistence to not walk away. Like a moth gravitating toward a light, you continue to flitter about the space of those who do not care for your presence. With each story told and each laughter shared, you attempt to slide your way into the group, all the while failing to recognize the growing flame of negative energy before you. Leave it to you to take an obligatory polite action, such as a “How are you?” or “Hello,” as an invitation for you to cling to the party until you get so close that you are burned by the very source of which you so longed to be apart.

presented by signed date


Humans Only by john scheck

No Pets?

Posted on the door of the sauna at my gym is a list of rules. The last one states adamantly, “NO PETS!” No pets? I thought this was a free country? If I remember correctly, this was one of the reasons we invaded Iraq. I went to the front desk to ask a few questions concerning this rather Draconian measure. Was this rule in response to a particular incident? Perhaps we are finally getting closer to the root of the apocryphal “gerbil” affair. It seemed preposterous that simply because a group of sweaty men had taken “liberties” with some variety of rodent, gym management was now forbidding sauna access to all domesticated animals kept for companionship. No one had any answers, at least none they were willing to make public. Surely a well-behaved ferret would be allowed inside. How about a goldfish in its bowl? Their tyranny couldn’t face up to my inquiry and I was asked to leave and not come back. Totally useless fact: A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.

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Finding an Apartment

powered by collegerentals.com

Tips & Checklist

Before You Set Out: Make a shopping list.

Are you looking for hardwood floors, dishwasher, washer and dryer? Do you have enough parking space for you and your roommates? Does the whole apartment need to be painted in orange and blue? You may not find everything, but it doesn’t hurt to set priorities.

Cover the bases.

Many landlords will want to verify your references. Phone ahead to alert possible references, including your former landlord, that they may receive a call.

During the Search: Try to see the units in the daytime. You’ll want to know how much natural light an apartment gets. It’s helpful to see what shape the place is in and whether more work is needed to make it habitable.

Do a careful walk-through of any unit you’re serious about.

The best time to ask about repairs and improvements is before you commit. Attach a list of any damages to the lease, and have it initialed by your landlord so you’re not held responsible later. This is especially important in a college town. Who knows who may have lived in the apartment before you!

Take measurements.

Take measurements of your larger furnishings (and take along a tape measure) to see how your things will fit… or what things you’ll need to buy. Be realistic about the move. If you have a king-size waterbed, maybe the fourth floor isn’t the best spot for you.

Ask Questions.

The College Rentals Apartment Tips & Checklist provides a thorough list of questions to ask.

Meet the neighbors!

Will you live above or below someone; do you share walls? Knock on doors and introduce yourself. Find out if neighbors are friendly, how they feel about noise, what they like about the neighborhood. This is a good person to ask about the safety of a neighborhood. Landlords aren’t allowed to discuss such things, but your new neighbor will know if the place has bad lighting or a wild Rottweiler problem.

Visit as many places as you can…

so you’ll have a good idea of what your money buys. Use our Apartment Checklist as a guide to inspecting and comparing choices. Then be prepared to ACT QUICKLY when you find something you like! Lots of complexes are on the internet. While you shouldn’t rely too heavily on the web, it is a good lace to get started narrowing to a list of possibilities. Check out www.collegerentals.com.

ITEM APARTMENT NAME} 1) Amount of Rent? 2) Amount of Security Deposit? 3) Amount of Late Payment Penalty? 4) Pet Fee? 5) Individual Leases? 6) Size of Apartment? 7) Penalty for Breaking Lease? 8) Furnished? 9) Private Bathrooms? 10) Utilities Included? 11) Cable Included? 12) High-Speed Internet/Ethernet? 13) Allowed to Paint Walls? 14) Ample Power Outlets/Phone Jacks? 15) Kitchen Appliances in Good Condition? 16) Vaulted Ceilings? 17) Ceiling Fans? 18) Curtains and Blinds? 19) Fitness Center? Office on site? 20) Tennis Courts/Basketball/Volleyball? 21) Overall Condition of Apartment? 22) Plenty of Closet and Storage Space? 23) Security/Alarms? 24) Washer/Dryers or Laundry Facilities? 25) Convenient to School? 26) Convenient to Bus Routes? 27) Convenient to Stores? 28) Quiet Community or Active Area? 29) Ample Parking? 30) Convenient Visitor Parking? 31) Porch/Patio? 32) Garbage Dumpster Proximity? 33) Maid Service? 34) Smoke Detectors/Carbon Monoxide Detector? 35) Gated Entry?

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Rentals Rentals

After You’ve Found It:

Read your lease thoroughly… and make sure you understand it. Don’t be afraid to ask! For example;

• What utilities are you responsible for? • H ow is the television reception? • Will you need cable? • Is there reference to existing wear or damage or a penalty for breaking the lease? • H ow does the management feel about subleases?

46

Enjoy.

No apartment is going to be perfect; how much you enjoy where you live is largely up to you. Meet the people at the complex, and you’ll enjoy your living experience much more than if you stay indoors, drinking alone. Hang out at the pool. Play some basketball. Throw a party. No matter how you feel about the physical space you occupy, new friends can make you feel right at home.


Frequent Q&A My landlord refuses to make repairs, what can I do?

Hopefully you have kept a record of when you first reported the problem and asked that repairs be made. Be sure to document in writing each and every report and complaint made to the landlord. Keep a notebook next to the phone for recording conversations with your landlord. For each conversation, write the date, time, name of the person with whom you spoke, and what was said by each party to the conversation. If the landlord fails to make repairs within a reasonable time, you can report the problems to the city housing code office and ask for an inspection. If violations of the housing code are found, ask your landlord for a partial refund of the rent for the period of time that the violation existed. You may be able to either withhold your rent or terminate your lease if the problem constitutes a material breach of the lease or the landlord’s statutory duty to provide and maintain a reasonably safe and habitable dwelling. You must follow the exact requirements of Florida Statute 83.56. You must give the landlord a written notice demanding the repairs be made in seven days. The notice must indicate your intention to terminate the lease or withhold rent if the repairs are not made. The notice should be hand delivered or sent by certified mail. Be sure and keep a copy of the letter. This is a complicated process and the legal consequences are very serious. You should consult Student Legal Services before attempting to terminate your lease or withhold rent.

Can I deduct repair costs from my rent?

No. Florida Law does not authorize you to make repairs or to recover the cost of such repairs. In fact, most apartment leases prohibit repairs by tenants. Therefore, if you want to make repairs and deduct the cost from the rent, you must obtain prior consent from your landlord.

Can my landlord raise my rent during my lease term?

Not unless the lease contains a specific provision allowing for a rent increase. From the tenant’s perspective, one of the primary reasons for having a written lease is to lock in the rent for the rental period. READ THE LEASE BEFORE YOU SIGN IT. Normally, you should not sign a lease providing for a rent increase.

Can I break my lease if I have good reason? “I am graduating?” NO! “My roommate left?” NO! “I cannot afford the rent?” NO! “I need to work this summer?” NO! “The neighborhood is unsafe?” NO!

You can only terminate the lease if the landlord is materially violating your lease or the Florida Residential Landlord and Tenant Act. You should obtain legal advice before attempting to terminate your lease. In many cases, the best thing you can do is find a replacement tenant.

How soon must I renew my lease?

There is no legally established time period. You should not sign a lease that provides for automatic renewals or requires you to give the landlord a notice of non-renewal. If you do sign such a lease, you must strictly comply with the notice requirements imposed by the lease. If the lease does not specify otherwise, renewals are a matter of general contract law. The landlord cannot force you to renew prior to the end of your lease. However, if you do not renew by the landlord’s “deadline,” the landlord may rent your apartment to someone else.

What can happen if I don’t pay rent?

Failure to pay rent is the quickest way to be evicted. The landlord will serve a notice demanding payment of rent or possession of the apartment. If you fail to comply with the demand within three days, excluding weekends and holidays, eviction proceedings may be started. Neither surrender of the apartment nor eviction ends your liability for rent. You should immediately contact Student Legal Services if you receive a three-day notice.

Can I be evicted if I pay “my” rent and my roommates don’t?

Usually. Most leases provide that the tenants are jointly and severally liable for the entire rent. That means that you are both responsible for each other’s share and jointly responsible for paying the full amount. Therefore, the landlord can evict you unless the full rent is paid. It is possible for you to sue your roommates in small claims court to collect their share of the rent and utilities. A written roommate agreement will be helpful in proving your case in court. Given the difficulty of collecting money on a judgment quickly, the best thing you can do is obtain new roommates.

Note: This information does not apply to apartments offering individual leases.

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sign on the dotted keg

CT’s Certified

Roommate Contract

Living with a complete stranger can be difficult. Unfortunately, for all of you planning on bunking up with a buddy, living with friends can also be difficult. That’s why the first thing you’ll learn about this fabled “real world” is the utter importance of getting everything (and we mean everything) in writing. To help facilitate that, we’ve drawn up a can’t-fail, tried-and-true roomie contract to help settle all disputes before they ever happen. Think of it as a pre-nup, minus the romance and sex… or not.

CT’s ROOMMATE

CONTRACT This contract hereby states that and will cohabitate in a peaceful and respectful manner from the day they move in to the day they move out. After that, they can be jackasses to each other whenever they’d like. Whereas said roommates agree not to steal each other’s significant others, one-night stands, possible hook-ups and/or prostitutes (if applicable). And whereas said roommates agree not to fart in public while other cohabitants and/or their friends and family are present (unless said fart is part of a joke or prank, in which case it is permissible). Moreover, all cohabitants agree to abide by “whoever smelt it, dealt it.”

And whereas all cohabitants agree to abide by the “whoever killed it, fills it” rule pertaining to all alcoholic beverages, specifically kegs.

And whereas if one roommate buys a pizza, no other roommate may eat a slice unless given direct permission from said buyer.

And whereas said roommates agree never to wake up before 10 a.m., regardless of whether or not they have an 8:30 a.m. class (or exam, for that matter).

And whereas all roommates agree that if and when Anchorman is playing on TV, no cohabitant may change the channel or ask for the volume to be lowered. This also applies during weeks of midterm and final exams.

And whereas all cohabitants involved in serious relationships will not publicly display affection around any other cohabitants or guests unless said significant other is really, really, really hot.

All signing participants agree to uphold and abide by said rules and regulations. If any individual roommate should fail to meet these requirements, they may be subjected to hours of TPing at the hands of their fellow cohabitants.

(Sign and Date)

(Sign and Date) This contract is certified by Campus Talk and should be notarized by Frank.

DROP OF BLOOD HERE!

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Totally useless fact: It’s impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.


Scoring Secrets!

Uncovering By Rachel Sokol

the truth behind actions of women

What She Says: “Hi! You’re Tommy’s (Insert any guy’s name) friend, right?” What She Means: “At first, I checked out Tommy and thought, ‘Wow!’ Then I saw you hanging out with Tommy and immediately thought, ‘Forget Tommy – Who is THAT hottie?’ Right now, I am pretending this is the first time I’ve ever met you, but believe me, I know who you are!”

What She Says: “I’m having so many problems with my boyfriend who lives 12,000 miles away. What She Means: Chances are, she’s no longer feeling the guy she claims she to ‘love?’ No, really… I do… and has found herself attracted to you.

What She Says to a Guy: “Will you play me a song on your guitar?” What She Means: “Will you write a song about me and use it to serenade me?” It’s the secret wish of many women out there to have a song written about them. It’s beyond flattering. She’ll be putty in your hands if you look her right In the eye, stroke the guitar, and sing along.

Men, listen up! Here’s some decoded information from LADIES… what they say, do, and really mean in order to get MEN to notice them! Pay attention to these obvious signs of flirtation. They may say one thing, but they really mean another!

What She Says: “My back is KILLING me.” What She Means: “Please give me a massage.” You are seriously clueless if you don’t get this one. Most girls are suckers for massages, and when they request one, they want you to touch them. When they make any type of comment about their neck, shoulders or back hurting, that is your cue to offer a massage… immediately!

What She Does: ‘Play’ Dances with you at a bar or party What She Means: “Notice me bumping my hips against yours?” Who cares if you can’t dance – neither can she. She’s just using some overplayed song as an excuse for you to notice her body. And you do. Trust me, you do.

What She Says: “Can I sleep in your room for a little while? My roommate sexiled me!” What She Means: “Can I sleep in your bed (on a platonic level) but secretly hope that we hook up… which is why I am wearing my sexiest tank-top?” This innocent question is really her way of literally inviting herself into your bed, using her roommate as an excuse.

Women may not be the easiest creatures to read. But pay attention! There may be more there than meets the eye. Totally useless fact: In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.

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RIDDLE ME THIS!

1) The dog can run into the woods only to the half of the wood – than it would run out of the woods. 2) The score before any hockey game should be 0:0, shouldn’t it? 3) A match, of course. 4) There are more Chinese men than Japanese men. 5) Normal – I wouldn’t be very happy if I had all my fingers (10) on one hand.

MIND

How far can a do #1 g run into the woo ds?

GAMES in in a r b r u o y p e e k To ing g n u lo e il h w e p sha on your couch…

#5

es a What word describ ot have all woman who does n e hand? of her fingers on on

#2

y fan e k c o h One big to be able claimed the score to tell any game. before he do it? How did

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#3

re if you have You can start a fi osene, paper, alcohol, petrol, ker ll matchbox candle, coke, a fu wool. What on tt co of e ec pi a and ou light? is the first thing y

#4

Why do Chine se men eat more rice than Japanese men do?

Totally useless fact: The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.


only joking!

ember Rem send all jokes to funny@mycampus talk.com and you could win a Campus Talk t-shirt.

A motorist driving by a Texas ranch hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth. “Oh, about $200 today,” said the rancher. “But in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I’m out.” The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer.

Q: Why do women spend so much more time on improving their looks rather than improving their minds? A: Because most men are dumb but very few are blind!

Q: What’s the definition of a male chauvinist pig? A: A guy who hates every bone in a woman’s body except his own.

“Here,” he said, “is the check for $900. It is post-dated six years from now.”

Totally useless fact: Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.

Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead? A: The sex is the same but the dishes keep piling up.

Q: What do you do with a year’s worth of used condoms? A: Melt them, turn them into tires and call it a Goodyear.

Q: What’s the difference between love and herpes? A: Love doesn’t last forever.

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TASTY WAVES!

Kickin’ Into

Action with Kwik Tek

With summer in full swing, now is the perfect time to grab some friends and hit the water. While just being in the presence of the pristine Florida waterways is a relief, it never hurts to kick in some action while you are there, and Kwik Tek has the best towables, floatables and lounges to do so. FUSION 2 Inflatable Triple Rider Towable

The Fusion 2 is a revolutionary new tube design, it’s both a cockpit tube and a deck tube! The roomy center cockpit is equipped with a nylon covered inflatable floor and headrest. The side deck areas have strategically placed neoprene panels for comfort and performance. Two inflatable fins are placed to help riders stay on the tube. A Kwik-Connect and Boston valve provide the ultimate in connecting, inflating and deflating convenience. 249.99

STRIKE 2 Inflatable Single Rider Towable This one-person rider is a 54-inch (deflated) round towable with four nylon-wrapped handles and neoprene knuckle guards. The RF welded PVC bladder is fully encased by a durable double-stitched nylon cover. Strike is equipped with a Speed Safety valve for easy inflation and deflation and covered flap for safety. 79.99

LOB THE BLOB Inflatable Game Cornhole: a timeless tailgating tradition. But what could make the game better? If it’s on the water! With Lob the Blob you can bring the action to the cool, refreshing water instead of suffering the heat of a parking lot or backyard. This instant classic floating game will test your skill and luck at sinking the Blobs in the 10-inch hole. It’s great for the whole family and portable to take anywhere you want to play. It’s constructed of heavy gauge PVC with the Speed Safety Valve for fast and easy inflation and deflation. There are also grommets on all four corners for tethering on land. 38.99 52

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Totally useless fact: John Lennon’s first girlfriend was named Thelma Pickles.


TASTY WAVES!

GYRO Inflatable Single Rider Towable

16-Quart Inflatable Floating Cooler

Nothing goes better with a day on the water like an ice-cold beverage. Keep your refreshments cool and enjoy them without even leaving the water! It features molded PVC comfort grip handles, a PVC bladder, heat-sealed seams, safety valves, a reinforced grommet and a full circumference zippered lid. 41.99

BANANA BEACH Lounge Inflatable Lounge Chair

Bring some style to your lounging experience with Banana Beach Lounge. This comfortable lounge provides a molded cup holder so you can enjoy a nice, cold beverage while relaxing. If youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re on a lake, be sure to tether it to a moored boat, dock or a friendâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Banana Beach with the molded rope holder in case you fall asleep. The lounge features an ergonomic backrest and thick, durable 20-gauge K80 construction. 59.99

HOT SHOT 2 Inflatable Single Rider Towable

To kick things up a dozen or so notches, strap the Gyro to the back of your boat, but prepare for some serious tumbling excitement with this unique towable. The bullet-shaped Gyro will be sent into a spin with a simple turn of the boat. The stainless steel swivel tow system allows the Gyro to roll over and over again with the rider inside while they watch all the action through the porthole at the front of the tube. The Gyro is constructed of heavy-duty K80 PVC featuring the patented Speed Safety Valve so you can inflate and deflate this state-of-the-art towable in no time at all. Riders simply hold on to the molded PVC handle system located in the front of the tube and enjoy the ride. 169.99

For the thrill seekers looking to catch some air, the Hot Shot 2 will not disappoint. The 57-inch (deflated) round deck tube is one hot ride, built to last and a great value. The rugged PVC bladder is completely covered with a double-stitched nylon cover. The thin profile makes it easy to climb onto from the water. Hot Shot has four deluxe handles with neoprene knuckle guards and is equipped with a Speed Safety Valve for quick inflating and deflating. 79.99

Totally useless fact: The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.

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TASTY WAVES!

DRY-PAK

In our device-crazed world, itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s likely that you are going to bring your smart phones and tablets with you to the waters, despite the risk of destruction. Thanks to Dry-Pak, there are ways to protect your precious devices, even on the water. GPS, PDA, SMART PHONE CASE It features an adjustable neck lanyard and anodized aluminum spring hook, is padded and lined, and has a white sealing clip for high visibility. It is 5 inches wide by 6 inches long. 12.99 CLEAR TABLET CASE (9â&#x20AC;?x12â&#x20AC;?) This clear tablet case lets you listen to music or movies with its built-in earphone jack, all the while protecting your tablet. It measures 9 inches wide and 12 inches long and is made of clear heavy gauge vinyl. It is designed to protect electronic touch pads like the iPad and other tablets from the elements. 27.99

GPS, PDA, GAME PLAYER CASE It features an adjustable neck lanyard and anodized aluminum spring hook, is padded and lined, and has a yellow sealing clip for high visibility. It measures 5 inches wide by 8 inches long. 13.99 CELL PHONE CASE It features an adjustable neck lanyard and anodized aluminum spring hook, is padded and lined, and has a white sealing clip for high visibility. It is 4 inches wide by 8 inches long. 12.99 CLEAR TABLET CASE (6â&#x20AC;?x10â&#x20AC;?) This clear tablet case lets you listen to music or movies with its built-in earphone jack, all the while protecting your tablet. It measures 6 inches wide and 10 inches long and is made of clear heavy gauge vinyl. It is designed to protect smaller electronic touch pads like the Kindle and other tablets from the elements. 22.99

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Totally useless fact: There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.


LONG-DISTANCE LOVIN’!

HOW TO SurvivE A

Long Distance Relationship

Dance, Dance, Dance!

Well, not like that. Hit up the nearest strip club and waste money you would be spending on dinners and movies on strippers with booties instead. Not only are strip clubs a great place to ease your sexual tensions, boobie bars are the therapists’ couch of the 21st century. Don’t believe us? Studies show that off-themarket men who frequent strip joints are 75 percent less likely to lead a cult in a masssuicide ritual. (Note: These studies were conducted by CT interns with no more funding than a bag of Doritos and a sixer of beer.)

Gone Clubbin’

Again, not like that. What better way to quell the urge to cheat than by surrounding yourself with loser guys who enjoy the art of, say, juggling or Lego construction?! While you might feel as socially inadequate as the kid forced to sit by himself at lunch in middle school, you’ll never have to worry about your willy wandering into some strange skank’s dorm room while hanging out with the mathletes club. More importantly, neither will your girlfriend!

I Spy With My Little Eye

!

If absence makes the heart grow fonder, what the hell does it do to your libido? Thankfully, the age of technology helps us to cut a few corners in that regard, and while nothing equates to physical touch, a private online peep show with a handy webcam can be enough to get you by ‘til your next rendezvous. Just be sure your peeping Tom roomie isn’t hijacking your feed to his computer and emailing it to everyone you know… unless you’re into that kind of thing.

Time Well Spent… In Bed During those infrequent times when you are together, you can’t waste precious moments doing things like eating or talking. Tell your roomie to GTFO for the weekend and turn your place into a fantasy lounge, fully equipped with aromatherapy candles, massage oils, R. Kelly albums on constant loop and a never-ending jar of condoms equivalent in size to the one at the on-campus health center. It doesn’t matter that you can only last about three minutes. Just make like the NRA: reload and fire again… and again and again.

Movie Time!

Let’s face it… you’ve got undeniable needs. As long as your lover is miles and miles apart from you, you’re not getting the attention those needs require. At least not from your lover. Head on down to your local adult video store (there should be plenty to choose from) and build on your personal movie collection. Better yet, next time you’re together, make a home movie for future screening. Nothing’s quite as entertaining as watching yourself on TV… naked. Totally useless fact: “Duff” is the decaying organic matter found on a forest floor.

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I THINK IT’S TIME WE UH…YOU KNOW… SPLIT!

y l l u f e c a r G How To Dump Her

er: Disclaim ur Use at ysok. own ri

h By Jos

Ah, the breakup. It’s an art in itself. Movies have been made about it, books have been written about it and therapists build their businesses around it. All-in-all, it has become a staple of humanity, something we all can relate to. So, to help spare you from that inevitable angst that goes hand-in-hand with giving her the axe (and her psychotic outbursts that are bound to follow), here are some (tried and true) ways you can dump her gracefully. They’re based on a 1–10 rating scale, with 1 being the easiest (i.e. Anyone can do it – including our trained intern monkeys) and 10 being the hardest (i.e. Don’t try this at home unless you’re a trained professional, like our trained intern monkeys).

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Difficulty Level: 1 An oldie but a goodie, this approach only works if you back it up and confuse her into thinking it’s you who is really the messed up one. All you have to do is basically come up with a list of contradictory reasons (that make no sense, whatsoever) about why it’s you who has issues to work out and why you, therefore, must end your love affair. Maybe your grades are falling, because you’re too in love and need to take a step back to examine yourself. Maybe you feel like you’ve lost your identity, because you’re so infatuated and want to discover who you are when you’re not around her. Maybe you like her so much but have severe commitment issues and are afraid of getting hurt. Whatever. It doesn’t matter. Just come up with some wordy bullshit that makes you seem a little off your rocker, and you’ll be fine. Bonus Points: Do this preferably in her dorm room (or apartment) so that when you’re done, you can stand up and leave… before she gets a chance to slap you, scream in your ear or call you any sort of *&%$#@! expletive!

Bonus Points: If both of you are of legal drinking age, get her drunk. Spring for the expensive champagne. It’ll help.

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man

The “You’re too good for me” line

Difficulty Level: 3 Be prepared to have a long list of reasons why she’s too good for you (no, you can’t make up the reasons or use her hair as one), and be sure to belittle yourself… a lot. You want to have her standing on a big, golden pedestal by the time you’re done. So, start by taking her to a really fancy restaurant – the ones with snooty waiters, too many utensils, and napkins that are shaped like swans, or something. Treat her to a real dinner – the whole sha-bang: soup, salad, entrée, dessert, etc. Right about the time she’s having her third or fourth bite of the strawberry cheesecake, put down your fork, and start reciting all the reasons why she’s too good for you. End with a “Maybe someday I’ll be good enough for you” line of BS. When you drop her off, embrace her tightly, say you’re going to miss her and know you’ll regret it in the morning, blah, blah, blah. Hopefully, by this point, she’ll be too confused to actually process what you’re saying.

The “It’s not you, it’s me” shtick

ld ua Fe

Totally useless fact: ‘Stewardesses’ is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.


I THINK IT’S TIME WE UH…YOU KNOW… SPLIT!

y

The “I’m moving” shpiel

Having a breakdown

Difficulty Level: 7 For this one, you’ll want to go someplace public – but nowhere you like to frequent, obviously. Go to some out-of-the-way coffee place, sit down, then break down. (Lots of down’s for this one, huh?) Tears would be nice, because that seals the deal right there. But keep in mind that they’re also risky, because they could make the girl fall even more in love with you, and you know how chicks are when men cry. I, therefore, highly recommend keeping the waterworks down to a minimum (three, four tears at the most). Also, make sure to mumble a lot and to avoid eye contact! You’ll also want to keep saying things like, “You just don’t understand,” every time she offers a sympathetic sigh or a nurturing pat on the back. Make sure she feels lost, because if she understands, you’re out of luck, dude. Be sure to say, “I’m breaking up with you… because I have to” coherently. You don’t want her to miss that one. Bonus Points: At the end of your “performance,” hug her weakly, showing her that this is taking all the strength out of you… and then some. Trust me – no girl wants a “limp” guy on her hands… Totally useless fact: The “pound” key on your keyboard (#) is called an octotroph.

Difficulty Level: 10 This one is strictly for the desperate and the skilled. It should only be used when the girl is getting too clingy or is starting to give you hints that she’ll go crazy (as in Courtney Love crazy) if you dump her. In extreme cases like this, invite her over, scattering some boxes around for show. Make up an excuse why you’re moving, and just get to the bottom of it. Just make sure of two things, though: 1) Be sure to have a valid excuse for the reason behind your move, but don’t bring your family into it. She will no doubt call your mother. 2) Don’t forget to say you’re so sorry. An apology will make you seem more sincere. You could also add a “Let me settle down, then maybe we can see where we are,” comment, giving her an ounce of hope. As for the post-break-up stuff… You’ll have to avoid all the spots she frequents, and for that matter, stop hanging out with people she knows. You’ll also have to find a copy of her class schedule and take notes on when she eats, so you can avoid any run-ins. Bonus Points: Only attempt this if you are sure you can stick to your story. It’s better to be known as a jerk than as a lying jerk.

So, there you have it: several ways to dump her gracefully. Unfortunately, I’m not gonna take the high road. Molly, it’s over, biotch! campus talk

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The history books have taught us many things about our American Presidents and the many accomplishments and failures that defined their presidency and their legacy. Cracked.com’s “You Might Be A Zombie and Other Bad News” details quite a different From the most-read outlook on four of our presidents – the four most badass presidents of all time! humor site on the Internet, generally became calm and amiable again. Sound like anyone you know? Anyone incredible, perhaps? The Iroquois Indians affectionately nicknamed Washington Caunotaurcarius, which translates to something like Town Destroyer or Devourer of Villages. We were really hoping it translated to One Who (When Angry) You Will Not Like so we’d have more evidence of this whole Incredible Hulk thing, but Town Destroyer is pretty cool too, we guess.

George Washington Plenty of people know George Washington as the Father of Our Country, but few people know – and this is, perhaps, more important – just how similar he was in behavior to the Incredible Hulk. As described by Thomas Jefferson, George Washington “was naturally irritable,” and when his temper “broke its bonds, he was most tremendous in his wrath.” One time, in fact, he became “much inflamed (and) got into one of those passions when he cannot command himself.” Witnesses agreed that after these sudden bursts of rage, Washington

Washington wasn’t just a shirt-ripping comic book character waiting to happen, he was also an amazing general and, possibly, totally invincible. Washington was always at the front line in any of the many battles he took part in, and there are countless stories of Washington returning from battle with bullet holes in his uniform or without a horse (it having been shot out from under him), but he always remained unharmed. In a letter to his brother, he described being surrounded by bullets and death and concluded by saying, “I heard the bullets whistle and, believe me, there is something charming to the sound of bullets.” When he caught news of this, George III reportedly remarked that Washington’s attitude would change if he heard a few more. Washington went on to hear hundreds more and to rout King George’s army in a war. Greatest Display of Badassery: Making America Look for the next Presidential Badass in next month’s Campus Talk!

Totally useless fact: The only domestic animal not mentioned in the Bible is the cat.

Cracked.com, “You Might Be A Zombie and Other Bad News,” a comedy trivia book, features 20 articles that had previously appeared on the website and 18 that are new to the book. The book includes chapters like “The Awful Truth Behind Five Items on Your Grocery List,” and “Five Conspiracies that Nearly Brought Down the U.S. Government.” Some facts are too terrifying to teach in school. Unfortunately, Cracked.com is more than happy to fill you in: • A zombie apocalypse? It could happen. 50 percent of humans are infected with a parasite that can take over your brain. • The FDA wouldn’t let you eat bugs, right? Actually, you might want to put down those jelly beans. And that apple. And that strawberry yogurt. • Think dolphins are our friends? Then these sex-crazed thrill killers of the sea have you right where they want you. • The most important discovery in the history of genetics? Francis Crick came up with it while on LSD. • Think you’re going to choose whether or not to buy this book? Scientists say your brain secretly makes all your decisions 10 seconds before you even know what they are. campus talk

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Totally useless fact: The “dot” over the letter “i” is called a tittle.


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Totally useless fact: Pepsi originally contained pepsin, thus the name.


Totally useless fact: Table tennis balls have been known to travel off the paddle at speeds up to 160 km/hr.

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6

By Ami Gavarian

SPORTING

EVENTS YOU MUST

SEE LIVE

You may be the biggest sports nut this side of ESPN headquarters in Bristol, CT, but you’re nothing more than a benchwarmer if you haven’t checked out these events live. Consider this your ultimate final exam before graduating from college to the pros… except instead of making millions, you’ll have to shell out thousands in ticket prices, concessions, airfare, lodging and food. Three cheers for fanaticism!

The Summer Olympics

No offense to the Winter Olympics, but if you’re going to travel halfway around the world to see events like curling, there damn well better be some nice weather to hold you over. Meanwhile, the Summer Olympics feature incredible feats of international athleticism, and you get a chance to see the U.S. dominate the world in basketball (you know, now that we’re doing that again).

The World Series

They don’t call it “America’s Pastime” for nothing… mostly because we fear change. But few sports have the legacy and tradition of the World Series. From the first pitch to the huge, incredibly homoerotic pile-on when the final out’s recorded, the World Series is littered with memorable moments that the whole family can enjoy… except for that huge, incredibly homoerotic pile-on.

The Super Bowl

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Few sporting events allow the spectator to actually be involved in the sport itself. The running of the bulls in Pamplona, Spain is one of them. It’s like a weeklong race, parade and death wish rolled into one exhilarating experience that will probably make your pickup tackle football games seem like tea parties by comparison.

Heavyweight Boxing College Football Title Bout In The Rose Bowl To steal an analogy from its own sport,

The Mecca of all American sporting events, the Super Bowl is the perfect combination of unbelievable parties, endless celebrity sightings, and oh yeah, one helluva football game. Chances are, though, your team wasn’t good enough to make it to the big game. Nevertheless, the Super Bowl is four 15-minute quarters of intense, high-end adrenaline and excitement for any avid sports nut to enjoy. 66

Running Of The Bulls

While there may be more fanfare surrounding the Super Bowl, college football’s fanbases are significantly more rabid. As such, there’s no better combination of sight, sound, history and hoopla than catching a game (preferably a UCLA-USC game) in the Rose Bowl. Other college football stadiums worth traveling to include The Big House (University of Michigan), The Swamp (University of Florida) and South Bend (Notre Dame).

boxing is, pound for pound, the greatest event one could ever see live. Two goliaths match forces in front of thousands of crazed, maniacal fans who want nothing more than to see one guy absolutely pummel the other guy. Half of the excitement is seeing whether the match will go the distance or end in a dizzying knockout that hurts just to watch. If Mike Tyson’s involved in any way, it’s like adding cherries on top of the ice cream.

Totally useless fact: Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.


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I-75 EXIT 387 Totally useless fact: The most common name in the world is Mohammed.

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THEY GOT FUNDING FOR THAT?

Science’s By Brian Hodges

Seemingly Stupidest

Studies Nobody’s debating that science has produced some worthwhile discoveries: penicillin, microchips and big, glorious fake boobs, to name just a few. Then again, some of their research just makes you scratch your head and ask, “Why?” These are, after all, the same people who gave us brocoflower, decaf coffee and the quadratic formula. When it comes to scientific data, there’s no telling what the discoveries will be, much less their real world impact. Here are some of the more seemingly ludicrous studies and experiments that have been conducted over the years, and a (somewhat generous) evaluation of what their discoveries could mean for you.

“SCIENTIFIC” DISCOVERY 1: Beer Makes Leeches Drunk

After the medical use of leeches made a comeback as a way to restore blood circulation, a group of Norwegian scientists conducted an experiment to see if beer (amongst other things) improved the little suckers’ response time. According to the study, after being dipped in Guinness, the leeches “changed behavior, swaying their forebodies, losing grip or falling on their backs.” Apparently, intoxication did not affect their need to suck nearly as much as most freshmen. WHAT THIS MEANS FOR YOU: Forget salt. If you get drunk and fall into a stagnant pond, just crack open another Bud and let the leeches join the party.

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Totally useless fact: Chinese Crested dogs can get acne.


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“SCIENTIFIC” DISCOVERY 2: Mallard Ducks Are Necrophiliacs

Mallards have always been particularly nasty birds, literally using rape as a normal reproductive strategy. But we didn’t know just how nasty they were until a Dutch ornithologist documented a case of one male mallard raping another male mallard for 75 straight minutes after it had died. The Mighty Ducks doesn’t sound like such a wholesome hockey team now, does it?! WHAT THIS MEANS FOR YOU: Don’t feed the ducks, for crying out loud! The park ranger put that sign up for a reason!

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“SCIENTIFIC” DISCOVERY 3: Mikhail Gorbachev is Probably Not the Anti-Christ

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Nearly every American of conscious age during the 1980s, at one point or another, thought this Communist leader might be the one who brought about the end of the world. But one mathematician wasn’t content to sit around and speculate. Comparing multiple numerologies of Gorbachev’s name against that famous 666 number in the Bible, it was proven, mathematically, that the odds of Gorbie starting Armageddon were “exactly” 860,609,175,188, 282,100 to 1. (That’s 860 quadrillion for those of you playing along). WHAT THIS MEANS FOR YOU: Stay focused on the target because, as we all know, Paris Hilton is the most blatant sign of the coming Apocalypse.

“SCIENTIFIC” DISCOVERY 4: People Can Swim Just As Fast In Syrup As In Water

Believe it or not, this has actually been a controversy that plagued physicists for hundreds of years. Even Isaac Newton could only theorize, unable to test the hypothesis since nobody could justify wasting so much edible food on such a silly experiment. It required, not surprisingly, an American scientist to make 16 people swim through a pool of water and a pool of guar gum, which according to official reports, “had the look and consistency of snot.” Each swimmer sliced through the liquid goo just as easily as the less-disgusting H2O, thus ending the generations-old debate and hopefully providing the inspiration for Ghostbusters III.

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Hey, it’s not like they can use hand signals. But a group of Canadian scientists discovered that herrings “produce high-frequency sound bursts… accompanied by a fine stream of bubbles from the anal duct.” Combined with super-sensitive hearing, the fish use their anal orating skills to communicate after dark. The real question, though, is how these scientists managed to analyze any of their data between all the giggling fits they must have broken into.

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WHAT THIS MEANS FOR YOU: Nothing! You are not a fish! Go ask someone else to pull your finger. Totally useless fact: The original story from “Tales of 1001 Arabian Nights” begins, “Aladdin was a little Chinese boy.”

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We all know a man-whore or two, so clip and hang on his bedroom or dorm room door.

HE MAY LOOK LIKE BRAD PITT FROM AFAR, BUT PEER A LITTLE CLOSER AND NOTICE THOSE NOT-SO-SUBTLE SORES ABOVE HIS LIP. ON TOP OF THAT, HE’S ALREADY HOOKED-UP WITH YOUR ENTIRE SOCIAL CIRCLE… TWICE. EVEN IF YOU DO DECIDE TO TAKE HIM HOME TONIGHT, YOU’LL JUST WAKE UP TO AN EMPTY BED AND A BRAND-NEW STD. BUT HEY, ANYTHING’S WORTH IT FOR 20 MINUTES OF FUN WITH JOE HERPES!

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Totally useless fact: The house fly hums in the middle octave key of F.

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Totally useless fact: Each year there is one ton of cement poured for each man woman and child in the world.

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Totally useless fact: The only capital letter in the Roman alphabet with exactly one end point is P.


Totally useless fact: The giant red star Betelgeuse has a diameter larger than that of the Earthâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s orbit around the sun.

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Totally useless fact: Only 1 in 2,000,000,000 will live to be 116 or older.

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Totally useless fact: Hummingbirds are the only animal that can fly backwards.


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Totally useless fact: A cat’s jaw cannot move sideways.

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brilliant!

A man was talking to his friend about his new girlfriend. “She’s homeless,” he said, “which is great!” “Why’s that?” asked the friend. “Because when I’m done with her, I can drop her off wherever I want and she doesn’t complain!”

Remember send all jokes to funny@mycampus talk.com and you could win a Campus Talk t-shirt.

Documents released by the White House show that the Democratic National Committee asked Al Gore to make 140 calls to campaign donors, but he only connected on 56 of them. The other 84 hung up because he sounded just like a dial tone.

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Q: What do you call cattle with a sense of humor? A: Laughing stock.

A blonde was driving her kids to Disney World. About halfway along the trip she saw a sign that said “Disney World Left.” She turned around and went back home.

A man was walking along the beach when he kicked a stray bottle and a genie flew out. “Your wish is my command,” said the genie. The man thought and said, “Give me a penis that touches the ground.” In a flash, both the man’s legs fell off.

Totally useless fact: Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.


ISN’T CARRY-OUT A LOT EASIER? by john scheck

Beyond the

Gastronomic

Universe as We Know It

It won’t be long before television will be nothing but stuff about cooking and eating and everything related to those tasks. There’s even a new series where people sit around in the kitchen cooking and watching food shows in MC Escher fashion (if there isn’t a show like that there should be). It makes you dizzy just thinking about it, dizzy and hungry. What’s next? Who needs schools when we could teach kids everything they need to know through cooking videos? About all this economy is producing are food service jobs so this sort of programming seems perfect. What better way to learn Spanish than a tutorial on paella or Italian taught via the fine art of making gnocchi? If you don’t know a single word of a language – like Norwegian or Canadian – it’s probably because you’ve never seen anything from those places on the Food Channel. Teenagers only mock sex education as it’s currently taught in schools so there’s no reason to spend good money on lifelike human models when there are lots of fruits and vegetables that can serve the same purpose.

We are witnessing the Big Bang of culinary television. Emerging out of the primordial soup of early broadcasting, the rise of popular food culture was geologically sluggish at first. It started with recipes read over the radio, and then came television with Julia Child’s horrible, pterodactyl-like squawking in black and white on public stations, which was even less appealing than staring at the radio. With the advent of cable the evolutionary pace quickened and soon after there was an entire network devoted to eating. Then there were two. Americans have advanced from eating partially-frozen chicken pot pies and Hostess® products to getting into fist fights over whether a garnish is conceptually relevant to the dish.

Perhaps our promised 15 minutes of fame will be on our own cooking show. If this is the case then the shortened, quarter of an hour format will mean that either the appetizer or the dessert has to go. The truth is that I can’t even think of a main course I can pull off in 15 minutes. Great, my one chance at stardom and I have to microwave a bag of popcorn. Can anyone suggest a good wine pairing? Or maybe heaven will be a cooking show for each and every one of us, sort of like a dreamy, fluffy cloud but with more appliances and 20 different kinds of pasta. But what good is that? If everyone is busy with their own program there won’t be anyone to watch. I think it’s safe to say that an eternity of bad ratings isn’t anyone’s idea of nirvana and hardly an adequate reward for a life on earth spent adhering faithfully to God’s unimaginative recipes. I need to start sinning more … immediately. And by sin I mean fun stuff like coveting wives and goods and not sins that don’t seem fun at all like killing and having a false god. One god seems more trouble than he’s worth most of the time so why would anyone want two? That’s like going to the driver’s license bureau twice.

Or even worse, hell could be a food show but without the luxuries we all take for granted, like self-cleaning ovens and expensive French cookware. A program where all you make are grilled cheese sandwiches and soup from cans and most of the time is dedicated to washing the dishes by hand. If this is Dante’s Inferno then I think I’ve already been there. It sounds suspiciously like the America of my childhood. Just because I lived through this once before doesn’t mean it’ll be any easier the second time around. They don’t even have extra virgin olive oil. Who would have guessed hell would be this awful? Note to self: stop sinning immediately, or maybe wait until after tonight’s dinner party that I’m hoping will break out into an orgy, although at a certain age unbridled bacchanalia is more likely to burst into a heated discussion about recipes.

Totally useless fact: The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog,” uses every letter in the alphabet.

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APPSOLUTELY In the near future, we will start to notice that opposable thumbs have become stronger and more lithe than ever. Evolution will take its course and prove that the age of the cell phone has created a whole new breed of technology-linked human bodies fully equipped to socialize and media share. As individuals we share all of our lives with the world, but what about our significant others? They deserve some specialized love that only certain apps can give.

Long-Distance Love For those who went off to college and left their special someone back home. This is the worst, because all you can do is cry over the phone, fall asleep with the other person still on the line and send colored heart emojis all day. What do all of these depressing things have in common? Phones. Make the distance a little more bearable by using the one thing that still connects you: your mobile device. Couple – Formerly known as Pair, this app allows you to share a joint calendar so you can plan for the next time you get to see each other, as well as a to-do list for keeping updated on each others’ daily schedules. It’s also got a feature called thumbkiss, which allows you to match up thumbprints in an intimate screen kiss. Awww so cute, right? Snapchat – If touching thumbs isn’t “intimate” enough

for you, you can use this app to send images, videos and messages that are erased immediately after a set number of seconds. Better than Skyping? You can decide for yourself you scandalous Snapchatter, you.

Shy Love Cutesy on the outside, terrified on the inside. You’re able to talk about your past and present, even possible names for your future kids, but not what goes on in the bedroom. You gotta have fun making those kids, so why not push your limits a little. Kindu – The app that says it all for you. It’s loaded with quizzes you and your mate can take to talk about the things you just can’t bear to bring up in person. When both of you agree on an idea that excites, you’ll be notified and can take the next step from there. Too scared to take that step? Well, apps can only get you so far.

Couch Potato Love There is always a point in relationships where you end up with a bottle of cheap wine, watching reruns every night. Even if you do go out, it’s to dinner every Wednesday at Bonefish because they’ve got $5 Bang Bang Shrimp. Pop out of that rut and find something new to do … and wear something other than sweatpants for once, like geeze guys, when was the last time you washed those things? HowAboutWe for Couples – Free and discounted

Couples

Apps by Kelly Herman

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dates are offered right to your phone, so you don’t even have to do the searching. The dates also have extensive itineraries so you can push your laziness to a higher level. No please, “higher level” is not supposed to remind you of beating each others’ high scores on Mario Kart … I was just – please shower and get out of the house for the love of all things sanitary!

Blue Apron – Still bent on staying home, I see. Well, instead of frozen pizza and beer, you can have freshcooked meals and beer. Blue Apron ships ingredients to your door for free, and the meals only take around 35 minutes to prepare. That’s the same time it takes to preheat the oven and get your pizza cooked to a nice golden brown, so do yourself a favor and spend a little extra change on something with green stuff in it.

Sure, technology doesn’t replace intimate conversations under the starlight or candlelit dinners by the sea, but soon it will. Get used to it.

Totally useless fact: When opossums are playing ‘possum, they are not “playing.”  They actually pass out from sheer terror.


oooh, nasty!

irty? d e r a s e t a roomm photos. r u o y k in h T ut these ur

Check eoto send us picturees toof yo

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Need a new apartment or roommate, go to www.collegerentals.com.

Totally useless fact: Elephants can’t jump.  Every other mammal can.

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one on one with…

Some rentals are just too good to be true. Actress Julianne Michelle is here to talk to us about her experience filming the modern new ghost story “Apartment 1303,” to tell us some funny stories from the set and to share her big plans for the future.

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Totally useless fact: The airplane Buddy Holly died in was the “American Pie” (Thus the name of the Don McLean song).


one on one with…

Julianne Michelle Interview by Lauren Douglass

Tell me about Apartment 1303. Filming it was a terrifying experience [laughs]. It was great, though. I play Janet Slate, a girl just out of college who leaves home where she lives with her mom and sister, played by Rebecca De Mornay and Mischa Barton, to move into her very own apartment on the 13th floor. That’s when scary things start to happen. Tell me a little about filming your own death. That must have been different! It was great. The apartment we shot in was built from a sound stage, which made it look very authentic. I felt like I was really there. We had green screens to film the scene where I fall to my death from the terrace, and that was really cool. I had never fallen to my death in a movie before [laughs] so I was excited for that! Did you do your own stunts? I mostly did my own stunts, but I also had my own stunt person there for a few of the scenes. The ghost threw me around [laughs] and I had a lot of black and blues as a result, but it was well worth it. Someone filled in for me for the major stunts, but falling from the terrace was all me and all green screen. How do you prepare for something like that? I like to listen to music before filming; that generally gets me in the mood. I also think about terrifying moments in my life [laughs]. We had great people on board who helped me evoke the mood, including the director Michael Taverna. It was a collaborative effort.

What was it like screaming on camera? I would feel so self-conscious! I just screamed at the top of my lungs, as if I’d just seen a really scary-looking bug [laughs]. I tried to scream so loud that it would kill it [laughs]. Did anything funny or strange happen on the set? Everyone was a little afraid of the ghost; she was really great and so scary. When we’d have scenes with her, she was very intimidating [laughs]. She played her part very well. What’s one of your strengths when it comes to acting? I’m really dedicated when I take on a role, and I morph myself completely into the character. It’s my passion. Even if I’m sick – and I’ve been sick on set before – I’ll still work. There’s nothing that will stop me. I just have tons of energy! I don’t know what it is about acting, but it’s like I’m impervious to anything that’ll bring me down. I’m also very professional when it comes to getting to the set, unless a tornado comes and sweeps me up [laughs]. Since you’re so focused on set, is it hard to turn it off when you’re at home? It can be sometimes. When I did “The House Is Burning,” I played drug-addict Terry Storm who had an abortion and was still in love with her ex, even though he was with her best girlfriend at the time; she was a very tormented character. The cast went on a retreat with the director Holger Ernst in order to get into our characters. The entire time, we were called by our character names and we

all stayed in character. For the first time in my life, I returned home and I was changed. I was scared that I wouldn’t be able to return back to myself because I was so much Terry. That was the first time I had that experience. How did you get pulled out of it? Time. It just took time. What do you like to do when you aren’t acting? I do a lot of charity work. We had an event for St. Jude’s that I chaired, along with our host committee, which included Billy Bob Thorton, Alyssa Milano, Jennifer Love-Hewitt, Steven Bauer and Jonathan Jackson. All proceeds went to the hospital. That charity is very important to me and close to my heart. What did you do with it this time around? This was the first time I’d organized a charity event all by myself. Billy Bob Thorton, who’s a really good friend of mine, had originally introduced me to St. Jude and the work they do for children. I was very impressed with their dedication and hard work, so this year I decided to do a fundraising event for them. At first, I thought it would be a smaller event, but then it grew into something much larger. It included a dinner, auction and we had a raffle and some entertainment. Be sure to catch Julianne Michelle in Apartment 1303 out July 25th!

Totally useless fact: The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

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WHO STASHED THE CANDY?

e Scan th

codtehe

to see trailer!

flicks By daniel sutphin

The Lone Ranger WHAT: Action, Adventure, Western WHO: Johnny Depp, Armie Hammer, William Fichtner, Tom Wilkinson WHEN: July 5 Johnny Depp stars as Native American warrior Tonto in this retelling of an American classic. Tonto recounts untold tales that transformed John Reid, a man of the law, into the legend of justice for which he is known. With director Gore Verbinski (Pirates of the Caribbean) at the helm, the tales provide scenes of big action and adventure with the quirky humor that evolves as the two heroes learn to work together in their fight against greed and corruption.

Pacific Rim WHAT: Action, Adventure, Sci-Fi WHO: Charlie Hunnam, Idris Elba,

Charlie Day, Rinko Kikuchi WHEN: July 12 Filmmaker Guillermo del Toro (Pan’s Labyrinth) taps into the sci-fi realm for his latest flick. Bringing back the Godzilla-scale of cinematic monster fighting, Pacific Rim pits a series of human created robots called Jaegers against a species of giant monsters who invade the earth called the Kaijus. Hunnam (Sons of Anarchy) stars as a washed-out controller and pilot of the robots who is psychically paired with Mako Mori (Kikuchi) in order to pilot a decommissioned Jaeger assigned to put an end to the Kaijus. campus talk

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R.I.P.D. Red 2 Grown Ups 2 WHAT: Comedy WHO: Adam Sandler, Kevin

James, Chris Rock, David Spade WHEN: July 12 Lenny (Sandler) moves his family to his hometown to be with his friends and their kids. Thinking he’s found a more peaceful living, Lenny soon learns that between old bullies, new bullies, schizo bus drivers, drunk cops on skis and 400 costumed party crashers, crazy has a way of following you.

WHAT: Comedy, Crime, Thriller WHO: Bruce Willis, Anthony

Hopkins, John Malkovich, Helen Mirren WHEN: July 19 In this action-comedy sequel, retired black-ops CIA agent Frank Moses reunites his unlikely team of elite operatives for a global quest to track down a missing portable nuclear device. In the process, the team must take on an army of assassins, terrorists and power-crazed government officials all hunting the same weapon.

WHAT: Action, Comedy, Crime, Fantasy WHO: Ryan Reynolds, Kevin Bacon, Jeff Bridges, Mary-Louise Parker WHEN: July 19 After getting killed on the job, former rising-star detective Nick Walker (Reynolds) gets pulled into the R.I.P.D. Based on the Dark Horse comic, the R.I.P.D. is a squad of undead cops put together to track monstrous spirits who are cleverly disguised as ordinary people. Teamed with veteran sheriff Roy Pulsifer (Bridges), the two uncover a plot that could end life as we know it.

Totally useless fact: The name Wendy was made up for the book “Peter Pan.”


rent me! Evil Dead WHAT: Horror WHO: Jane Levy, Shiloh

Fernandez, Lou Taylor Pucci, Jessica Lucas, Liz Blackmore WHEN: July 16 A recreation of the 1981 cult-hit horror film, Evil Dead is the story of five twenty-something friends that spend time in a remote cabin. There they discover a Book of the Dead. They unknowingly summon sleeping demons that live in the nearby woods. The demons possess the friends in succession until only one is left to fight for survival.

Small Screen

Least Among Saints WHAT: Drama WHO: Martin Papazian, Tristan

Admission WHAT: Romantic Comedy WHO: Tina Fey, Paul Rudd,

Nat Wolff, Michael Sheen, Wallace Shawn WHEN: July 9 Tina Fey stars as a straight-laced Princeton University admissions officer Portia Nathan who is caught off-guard when she makes a recruiting visit to an alternative high school overseen by her former classmate, John Pressman (Rudd). Pressman thinks that his gifted but unconventional student Jeremiah (Wolff ), could be the son that Portia gave up years ago. Portia finds herself bending the rules for Jeremiah and risking the life she always wanted. She also discovers a romance she never thought she’d have.

The Host WHAT: Sci-Fi/Fantasy WHO: Saoirse Ronan, Max Irons,

Jake Abel, Chandler Canterbury, Diane Kruger, Frances Fisher, William Hurt WHEN: July 9 A love story from the creator of the “Twilight Saga,” author, Stephenie Meyer, an unseen enemy threatens mankind by taking over their bodies and erasing their minds. Melanie Stryder (Ronan) risks everything to protect the people she cares most about – Jared (Irons), Ian (Abel), her brother Jamie (Canterbury) and her Uncle Jeb (Hurt) – even if it means having her own body taken over and her mind erased.

Lake Leabu, Laura San Giacomo, Charles S. Dutton WHEN: July 2 A veteran still suffering from the plagues of war, Anthony Hayward (Papazian) thinks he’s at the end of his rope when he comes home to a broken marriage and uncertain future. His troubled 10-year-old neighbor, Wade (Leabu) seeks his help, upon which time Anthony and the boy embark on an ill-fated trip to find the boy’s father, who may not even exist. The boy’s social worker brings in the police who are already familiar with Anthony’s behavior issues. But the trip helps Anthony come to terms with both the costs of war and the strength of human connection.

Totally useless fact: In Cleveland, Ohio, it’s illegal to catch mice without a hunting license.

Solomon Kane WHAT: Action/Adventure, Sci-Fi/Fantasy WHO: James Purefoy, Max von Sydow, Pete Postlethwaite, Rachel Hurd-Wood WHEN: July 16 James Purefoy plays Solomon Kane, a ruthless mercenary and leader of a band of pillagers. After learning his soul is bound for hell, Kane renounces violence and attempts a path of peace. A young girl is kidnapped and her family slain by a sorcerer’s murderous cult, forcing Kane to fight and seek his redemption in slaying the evil cult and its leader.

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back at ya!

I was driving on Beach Boulevard behind an ancient guy in a beat up truck. He decides to turn in front of me without a blinker. I accelerate to swerve and avoid him, and this, over-aerobicized woman jumps in front of my car with her hand up. She proceeds to yell in my window, “Hey, slow down you idiot!” I’m a well-bred, mellow guy by nature, so I ignore this.

“Yeah, why are you driving like an idiot?” “I was driving like an idiot? How, exactly.” “You were speeding. I watched you.” “You were? I see. How did you measure my speed?” (Ever the interrogator, I am.) “I heard you.” “So, you measured my speed by ear?” “I can hear.” “How fast did you HEAR me going?” “Look,” she says, “I don’t have to take this. Here comes a cop. I’ll wave him down.” THE POLICE? This woman is a trip. She waves him down, and proceeds to tell him that she observed me speeding. “What happened?” he asks. I told him the story, and told him that I accelerated to an indicated 33 mph (the speed limit is 35) to avoid a collision. “Are those mufflers legal?” Ethel asks. She’s pushing it. I reply, “I have a C.A.R.B. exemption for them.” I give the paperwork to the cop.

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“These tires were available on the 1970 Boss 429,” I told the cop “Which makes them street legal as a replacement.” Ethel gets angry. She whines, “So you’re not going to give out any tickets to this ******?”

As I drive away, she yells, “*******” at me again. Twice? I turn around and drive up next to her. “Do you have a problem?” I ask.

She tries to find another thing to screw me with. She says “What about those big tires? They CAN’T be legal.” I began feeling little overheated gears in the back of my head start to turn.

The cop says, “No, I am not.” I’ve about had it. So I say, “Sir, this woman told you that she left the street at the corner, and she met up with my car here. According to Title 39, pedestrians have to cross the street at a right angle. This woman admitted she crossed at a 45-degree angle, which is a ticketable offense.” “What?” The cop looks confused. “Also, she told you that she walked in front of my car to stop me. A citizen can’t detain someone without probable cause, under Terry v. Ohio (my new favorite case). Since she couldn’t measure my speed, she had no probable cause to detain me. That is an indictable offense.” The cop says, “But, I didn’t see any of this.” “But,” I said, “I did, and, as an officer of the Court, I can demand her arrest. I’ll agree to dismiss the Illegal Detention charge, but I want her cited for not crossing at a right angle and Hazardous Conduct on a Public Street.” The cop called his Lieutenant, and after the cop told the story, he authorized the summonses. She went home with $215.00 worth of traffic tickets, and they are worth a total of four points against her license, as well as the appropriate insurance surcharge!

Totally useless fact: The world’s termites outweigh the world’s humans 10 to 1.


Totally useless fact: Hummingbirds are the only birds that can fly backwards.

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89


COMMITING YOURSELF!

Get him to

How 2: n By Bria

want you ...as a girlfriend

When the editors of Campus Talk asked me to write an advice article on “Things a Girl Can Say to Guarantee Girlfriend Status,” I was a little perplexed. I really thought it was common knowledge that every young woman of average-to-smoking hotness holds all of the power in deciding whom she wants to date. Oh sure, that power will eventually shift over to the men as you approach your late thirties and become damaged goods; but, for the time being, I have just one piece of advice for you girls: Stop thinking it’s more complex than it actually is!

Hodges

The only thing a remotely attractive girl needs to do to achieve girlfriend status is approach the guy with a sly grin and say something along the lines of, “You wanna get out of here?”

FACT:

97 pe r call w cent of m e i arran thin 72 ho n will g So if h e a secon urs to d e he mo doesn’t c date. all, st like ly intere sted. isn’t

I wish getting in with us was more complex than that, but all it really requires on your part is to give the guy some faint glimmer of hope in the promise of sex somewhere down the line. Now, once you actually get this horny monkey into a relationship, you are going to have to step it up and either a) deliver on the hinted-at goods before he gets fed up with you or b) make him fall so madly in love that he doesn’t mind what a tease you’re being. Of course you could always go for option c) and deliver on the hinted-at goods while trying to make him fall madly in love – hoping he doesn’t get fed up with you before the latter takes place.

I

know that sounds way too simple, but you just don’t realize how much power that one little phrase has. I’m going to let you in on a secret here, ladies: despite everything you’ve read in men’s magazines, we guys really don’t get laid as much as you think we do. Seriously, you’ve probably had more sex than any of us. Any guy who isn’t famous (or Brad Pitt’s body double) and claims sexual partners in the dozens is either lying or has such low drunken standards that he’d be embarrassed to show you actual pictures of his exploits. But beyond that, by sophomore year, we guys have been shot down so many times that we’ve honestly run out of ideas on how to even pursue sex. So, to hear you putting in a modicum of effort to score with us by way of a simple, pointed question, a cry goes up in our brain that says, “Finally, thank God; I have a fighting chance with somebody who doesn’t have a harelip and a clubbed foot!” 90

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Though honestly, that’s again more of a girl-oriented fear. As we discussed earlier, if a guy is getting regular sex with you, it’s probably the most he’s gotten in very long time, and he’d be a plain fool to give that up – at least before something better comes along. So, all you have to do at that point is not do all those stupid, frustrating, clichéd girlfriend things that end up being more aggravating than abstinence. You know, obvious things, like insane jealousy, yelling at him in front of his friends, or using his #@$% toothbrush every morning when you have a perfectly good one of your own. If you girls take nothing away from this piece, please remember: if you are even somewhat pretty, intelligent and nonpsychotic, the only other hurdle you need to overcome in securing girlfriend status is to stop thinking so much. Realize that it’s not the guys but you who have all the power. Embrace it!

Totally useless fact: There are an average of 178 sesame seeds on a McDonald’s Big Mac bun.


COMMITING YOURSELF!

very funny!

No, Brian wasn’t kidding, ladies. Here’s a few real medically proven reasons on why sex can be healthy. 6) It’s relaxing. So much in fact, it’s 10 times more effective than valium. 7) It can help prevent cavities, because kissing helps promote the production of saliva, which lowers the acidic level that can lead to tooth decay. 8) Sex can relieve tensions that lead to headaches. 9) Sex, if done correctly (or incorrectly) can be fun and make you laugh. If laughter persists for 15 minutes straight, one’s heart disease risk can decrease by 10 percent!

1) Tender, passionate sex reduces the risk of skin rashes, blemishes and breakouts. 2) “Sex sweat” (aka the sweat your skin produces while getting your hump on) helps to clean your pores, ridding it of poisonous toxins. 3) Sex can make you happier, because the body releases endorphins into the bloodstream, which result in a feeling of contentment. 4) It’s good exercise, as it stretches and conditions just about every muscle in the body. 5) It’s cheap, as it doesn’t require any special equipment or gear – besides a partner (who hopefully isn’t cheap).

Remember send all jokes to funny@mycampus talk.com and you could win a Campus Talk t-shirt.

Q: How can you tell if a redneck is married? A: There’s tobacco spit stains on BOTH sides of the truck.

Sure you want a relationship? See how you measure up when compared to the average

Q: What’s the difference between acne and a Catholic priest? A: Acne waits until a boy’s 13 before it ruins his life.

man/woman. It all adds up – the numbers don’t lie

15% flirooskts

25% of men say the best relationships evolve from friendships. 60% of men are friends with at least one friends ex-girlfriend. with ex 15% of men claim the most important quality in a woman is looks.

25% ffirriestnds 60% Guys

gals

40% of women would consider dumping a singl boyfriend if her internes friends didn’t friends like him. naughty f irst g irl 25% of women think money makes a man money sexier. sex = 20% of women who live with their boyfriends have more than one sex partner. 15% of the female CT interns are single – so they say.

20%

15%

25%

40%

A doctor and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. The doctor gets up in a rage and says, “And you’re no good in bed either!” and storms out of the house. After some time, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and calls home. The wife comes to the phone after many rings and the irritated husband says, “What took you so long to answer the phone?” She says, “I was in bed.” “In bed this early, doing what?” shouts the doctor. “Getting a second opinion!”

Totally useless fact: Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.

A lady calls the police to report her husband missing. The police arrive and ask for a description. She tells them he’s 6’2” tall, with blonde wavy hair, and has a smile that makes everybody love him. The police then go to the next door neighbor to verify this report and the lady next door tells the police, “You can’t believe her. He’s 5’4” tall, has no hair and he wears a perpetual frown on his face.” The neighbor then goes and asks the lady why she gave the police such a false report. She replies, “Just because I reported him missing, doesn’t mean I wanted him back!”

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91


Protect Yourself

Secure a Job and your

With summer in full swing, many people are on the hunt for employment. However, did you know that filling out an application can be a ticket to identity theft? When you fill out a job application, you’re putting nearly all of your personal information – full name, Social Security number, address and background – on paper and into the hands of a stranger. So what can you do to protect yourself? ProtectMyID.com gives us four key tips to help prevent fraud and keep your identity safe.

Omit Your SSN If possible, don’t include your Social Security number on the application. Instead, politely indicate that it will be provided for pre-employment screening or upon employment. While this information is required for payroll and tax purposes, there’s no need to place your Social Security number in the hands of dozens of potential employers, especially those who

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Identity you won’t hear back from. Most employers are aware of the prevalence of identity fraud and should have no issue with your request. If they do, perhaps they are not the right employer for you. Make It Personal If you have the choice, drop off your application in person rather than sending it over the web. Furthermore, don’t just hand your application to the first employee you see. Not only would you be risking them losing your application, but it’s impossible to know what might happen should your information fall into the wrong hands. Instead, make sure to give your application to a

manager or someone in the human resources department. Online Security When completing an application online, make sure the site is secure by looking for an https address or the little “lock” icon. It’s always smart to do some research before applying to ensure the company in question is legitimate. If an offer sounds too good to be true, it probably is. The promise of a great job is easy bait for a phishing scam. Profile Protection During the application process, many companies require that you create an online profile. If so, ensure that you pick a strong password that’s unique to the company website. This will make it difficult for identity thieves to hack your account and steal your personal information. For more information on how to protect yourself against identity theft, visit ProtectMyID.com.

Totally useless fact: It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a year’s supply of footballs.


keeping fit

Most people donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t realize this, but you can go to the gym without telling facebook about it.

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Totally useless fact: Pound for pound, hamburgers cost more than new cars.

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WE ALL KNOW ONE

i ncompeten t


r o f e c r u o s r You ! e s i d n a h c r e logo m

WWW.WHATSHAPPENING PROMOTIONS.COM

352-371-5881

PART OF



Campus Talk July 2013