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www.mycampus talk .com DECEMBER 2013

CAMPUS TALK IS A COLLEGE STUDENT’S BEST FRIEND

Selfies,Stand-up

and Celebrity A Sit-Down with On-The-Rise Comedian Syd Wilder

Liberate Your Online

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Resolve to

Holiday

Succeed New Year's Resolutions You Can Actually Keep

Survival Kit Part 2 The Wins and Woes of Winter Break

A Guide

to Giving this Holiday Season

Walking with

Tyreese

Actor Chad Coleman Weighs in on “The Walking Dead”

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october 2006


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BREAKIN’ IT DOWN!

CONTENTS

GOOD

P14

READING

09 Heading Home

P10

& Butting Heads P82 10 New Year’s Resolutions You Can Actually Keep 12 Taking on Tyreese: A Chat with “The Walking Dead” Actor Chad Coleman 14 Holiday Survival Kit Part 2 16 Goin’ Gardein 18 How to Make a Lovely Holiday Wreath 30 10 Tips For Preventing Holiday Stress and Depression 31 The Weird Stories Behind Beloved Christmas P55 Decorations 34 Battling the Freshman 15 During the Holidays

P09

P70

P52

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42 6 Post-Graduation

P81

Lessons and Regrets 48 Get What You Want Out of Life with Jenny Blake’s “Life After College” 52 The Truth About the Friend Zone 55 How to Get Organized 81 Face Off 82 Keeping Your Online Life Private from Mom and Dad 84 Syd Wilder

CLUB PICS

Bobby Quillard (www.Guillardinc.com)

71–78 Club pics are brought to you by mycampustalk.com

Totally useless fact: One quarter of the bones in your body are in your feet.


breakin’ it down!

FOR YOUR

P84

ENTERTAINMENT 17 Holiday Relationship

Gift Cards For Him P12 19 Holiday Relationship Gift Cards For Her 22 Skedouche.com Gives Tacky Sweaters a “New” Life 24 Naughty Nice Quizzical! 32 Ridiculous Resolutions 33 What You’re Really Watching During and NFL Game P42 41 My Rough Life! 49 Anti-Stress Kit 54 Way To Go … Douche! Blue Ribbon 56 People You Hate P32 58 Festive Gift Guide 66 Sore Thumbs 68 Tune In. Turn On. Plug In. 70 Winter Beauty Reviews 86 Flicks 92 Funny Drink Coasters P66

P22

P34

P58

P68

Totally useless fact: In the United States, a pound of potato chips costs two hundred times more than a pound of potatoes.

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WHAT’S on!

Editors ‘

LETTER Winter: A time for Giving, a Time to Party With every winter comes another end: The end of a year, the end of worry (although temporary), and, of course, the end of a semester. Toss your books to the floor and revel in the fact that a time for freedom has come again. Rest assured that your noblest of efforts have been made in securing another top-notch college performance and return home to your parents the studious victor that you are; gifts and gatherings await you. As for those of you still stuck in town, well, make the most of it while you can and enjoy the fact that while your peers are suffering family and curfews, you remain free to do as you please, even if it means sleeping all day, only to awake to play video games. Regardless of your holiday plans, winter time calls for celebration and relaxation. What better way to relax than to catch up on all your favorite shows? “The Walking Dead” star Chad Coleman, known as Tyreese in the show, sits down with us to talk about

the zombie drama and his career. Comedian Syd Wilder from “This is The End” and “Mining For Ruby,” due out 2014, also joins us to discuss her career and her parody video, “How to Take a Slutty Selfie.” We’ve provided some new New Year’s resolutions that are actually achievable, as well as a guide on how to survive winter break with the folks. There isn’t much time during the year to really sit back, take a deep breath and just let everything go, even if for that moment. With every winter break, that moment returns and should be taken with great regard. This December, no matter where you are, take that moment and acknowledge your having accomplished another year. Immediately succeeding that moment, be sure to pop open the champagne!

Daniel Sutphin

Editor-IN-CHIEF Lauren Douglass

CONTENT EDITOR Daniel Sutphin

art director DANIEL TIDBURY

Graphic Design Jane Dominguez Patrice Kelly Daniel Tidbury

Contributing Writers Marc Douglass Lauren Douglass Daniel Sutphin Kelly Herman Brian Hodges John Scheck Mike Stanley Kevin Pearson Sarah G. Mason Mike Capshaw

FASHIon FEATURES Amy smith

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Campus Talk is a humor magazine dedicated to relieving students of the pressures of everyday college life. Among essay exams, crowded classrooms, boring professors and messy roommates, Campus Talk offers a welcome diversion for those students “just trying to get away from it all.” Different viewpoints may grace our pages but may not all represent the opinions of Campus Talk Magazine or its staff. Campus Talk should not be read by anyone suffering from heart ailments, unfunny syndrome or halitosis. All images depicted are purely coincidental. Copyright 2009. All rights reserved, What’s Happening Publications, Inc.

Totally useless fact: So, if being chased by one, run in a zigzag line to lose him or her.


LEARN YOUR TERMS

Heading by Kelly Herman

Home & Butting Heads

The holidays, filled with peace and joy, love and cheer, are also filled with bickering, arguments, and lots of people clapping their hands over their ears and singing FALALALALALALALALA very loudly. Not exactly the kind of singing that should be done during family time, but as much as we love them, family is hard to tolerate. They’re all individuals with whom you share blood, though usually not opinions. To get a leg up on your headbutt, jot down some notes on rhetorical fallacies, a.k.a. the reason everyone else’s arguments don’t work.

Appeal to Consequences of a Belief This is the ear-clapping LALALA one, and especially used by children when their whimsical beliefs are purposefully/ incidentally destroyed. It is arguing that something is false

Appeal to Common Practice This is arguing that something is true because it’s commonly practiced. Often, exceptions are cited to try to prove this fallacy.

Appeal to Tradition Claiming something is true because it’s always been that way. Your mom will use this one when your dad says it’s better to just buy a fake tree. Example: But, Frank! We’ve always had a real tree, ever since we moved in! And they always smell nice and give off a holiday aroma. We need the real thing, Frank!

Example: You didn’t buy cookies??? We HAVE to put out cookies for Santa or else he won’t come to our house!! That’s what everyone else * Note: Fake trees are actually way does! Jake didn’t put out cookies last year and Santa less expensive, Carol. Just get Frank to pull it down from the attic every didn’t come to his house! year. It was his idea, right? Plus, there are candles for that fresh tree smell. *Note: That is because Jake’s family is You’ll live, Carol. You’ll live. on welfare, little Timmy.

Composition When one assumes that the characteristics or beliefs of a portion of a group applies to the entire group. This is an easy one for me to make, in regards to cats. Example: That cat was a jerk and scratched the ever-loving bejeezus out of my hand. Lots of other cats are equally jerky and self-centered, therefore I must believe that all cats are useless assholes. Much like my cousin. *Note: The only good cat is a dead cat. Or one that acts like a dog. Dog lover for life!

Totally useless fact: A giraffe can go without water longer than a camel.

Biased Generalizing At some point during the holidays, your family will secretly vote on something without you. Their resulting argument is a form of biased generalizing, where they will use an unrepresentative sample to overstate a truth.

because you’d rather not believe it Example: HE IS TOO A REAL PERSON SANTA IS MAGICAL AND SO IS RUDOLPH but the Tooth Fairy jipped me last year so she can die in a hole. *Note: This is totally believable as something a 4-year-old would say.

Middle Ground Making the assumption that two sides have enough merit to warrant a compromise. Your cousin will most likely employ this one to their benefit. Example: Right, so since you think a 24-pack would be good for the amount of people we have, and I think the non-beer drinkers would really appreciate this bottle of wine, we should just buy them together and split the costs!

Example: Regardless of whether you want cherry pie, everyone knows pumpkin pie is much better! We even took a vote and we all agreed. We’re just getting pumpkin this year. *Note: My beer is a lot less than your $70 bottle of wine, Mr. Jobless-atthirty-two-and-still-lives-at-home*Note: Aunt Susan is a bitch and will with-his-parents. pay for this. campus talk

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A GREATER RESOLVE by Kelly Herman and Daniel Sutphin

New Year’s Resolutions

You Can Actually Keep

With every new year we make them, these grandiose lists of resolutions to better our lives mentally, physically and emotionally. The problem: About a month into the new year we forget, get too busy or just stop caring and go back to our old, tired, comfortable ways. In line with such patterns, it brings one to wonder, why bother? If you’re only going to break all of these unreachable habits, why not, instead, just make some resolutions you might actually be able to maintain.

Eating Right i.e. Eating More Junk Food You’ve made the “losing weight” resolution before, hoping to shed the weight in a few months. Instead, all it took was a few days to lose all self-control, and the resulting heartbreak kicked until your next go at making a resolution. Why not resolve to eat whatever you want? Life is short, and the Mickey D’s line is even shorter. Don’t hold back; go as gung-ho on cheeseburgers for the entire year as you would on gluten-free pasta in your first healthy week. You’ll feel so much better come next January when you realize you were able to maintain your goal, and success will have never tasted so sweet. 10

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Being More Responsible i.e. Playing More Video Games Sure, you could pay your utility bill. You could also pay 6,589 yen to a trader for the Galvanizing Greatsword. It does 27 more damage than your daggers, and has a 35 percent chance to stun. Way more worth it than cable. Or running water. You tried last year to keep all of your adulthood in check, but your barely stayed afloat. This time around, reach level 12 in your favorite video game and you’ll gain the ability to breathe underwater. Who needs the internet when there are natives to save and trolls to slay? Take responsibility for the slaughter of an alien race, not dry cleaning.

Working Out i.e. Be Less Active You could always use TV commercial blocks as time to exercise, but that would just make you sweaty when you plop your tubby butt back on the couch. Last year’s resolution may have been all about tightening those bulbous buns and thighs, but where did that get you? This time around, focus on building the cushion below your bottom for even more TV viewing comfort! Work to mold those soft, homey cushions so they may better accommodate your perpetual body expansion. Make the goal to end all goals: Sit around more and never misplace the remote (for fear of having to move to find it). You’ll be a more happy, satisfied version of you in no time.

Quitting i.e. Maintain Favorite Vices Whether it’s alcohol, smoking or drug use, don’t hold back now! You’ve just gotten started, and in the prime of your life; to quit now wouldn’t be a good story for your future children. Set your goals high and your future self should have racked up enough hospital bills from stomach pumping to equal at LEAST half of what you’ve spent on booze; acquired enough sallow skin to be considered for the role of Tiny Tim in next December’s rendition of “A Christmas Carol;” and built up enough tar in your lungs to realistically tell your dad, “Pop, I think I’ve got the black lung!” Quitters never win, so get to it – erm – succeeders!

Saving i.e. Spend More Saving money is tough and for what reward? Preparedness? Life is short. You can’t take it with you, so why not revel in the fruits of reality while you can. It’s easier to spend than save, so go with the (lack of cash) flow. Count every dime you have, then give them to the nearest retail store for any desirable entity within reach. You’ll earn instant gratification that will feel much more fulfilling than any jingle in your piggy bank. Show some interest in your needs (wants) now, rather than the 0.001 percent interest on your savings account. Finally, we can get back to stronger, braver times when we didn’t give up on ourselves or our dreams for the future. With easily attainable resolutions for the coming year, who knows what you could not accomplish? *Disclaimer: Campus Talk Magazine in no way supports nor encourages readers to follow any of the previously mentioned instructrions.

Totally useless fact: China banned the pigtail in 1911 as it was seen as a symbol of feudalism.


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Totally useless fact: Ten percent of the Russian government’s income comes from the sale of vodka.

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a look behind the gore

Taking on Interview by Daniel Sutphin

Tyreese A Chat with “The Walking Dead” Actor Chad Coleman

Chad Coleman is a busy man. He’s worked for years in the business, but not many other shows have rivaled the sensation and media-craze surrounding his current job. Coleman has starred in a variety of roles since his time in the Army, including a recurring part in the highly-acclaimed HBO show “The Wire,” the comedic film “Horrible Bosses” and on Broadway with Meryl Streep in “Come and Gone.” In season three of AMC’s “The Walking Dead,” audiences were introduced to Coleman as the character “Tyreese.” Here, Coleman talks with us about his experiences, the adaptation of Tyreese from comic series to TV, and what it’s like acting under the looming chance that the writers might turn Tyreese into zombie grub! Can you tell me something about Tyreese that you think some viewers might miss? He’s a pretty much a what you see is what you get kind of guy.

Tell me about your time in the army. Did it influence your version of Tyreese or have you incorporated what you know into the conflict parts of the show? Right, with conflict resolution and all of the physicality. We’re playing war games. You pretty much have to bring a certain realism to it. I feel that kind of energy and aura when we’re working on set, which is great because the stakes are high. I’ve been in a situation where I was in live fire – throwing grenades, firing M-16s – and all that adrenaline, as well as nighttime exercises where you really are assembling what’s happening; it’s got the same energy and that aura’s good for the show. 12

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Totally useless fact: Right-handed people live, on average; nine years longer than left handed people.

Jean-Claude Photography

What personal influence did you bring to him? And did you draw from the comic version of Tyreese? I think it was a mixture. I went through it [the comic] and got a good sense of him. I brought myself to the show version along with pieces of him from the comic book, and whatever else I could add. I think there’s a certain level of sensitivity that they wanted to bring to the TV Tyreese. He has a less-quick fuse than the comic book version, and just a good kind of thoughtfulness and sensitivity to him, just to make him a little more complex.


A look behind the gore You also spent a lot of time on Broadway and in several comedic roles. Have those experiences helped you in developing the character or in your interactions with the others? We just started touching on a little bit of his comedic side; he’s a pretty serious dude, but we’re getting to see a softer side of him, which I’m sure the work I’ve done helps to influence portraying that part of the character. The Broadway, that’s just the foundation for me. When you’re able to do theater, it always assures your work in a way that people appreciate.

What about the gore? Does it feel real sometimes or has anything freaked you out on set? I really loved the [Season 4] opening, the first episode where the guy came through the ceiling and all his guts are spewing out, and the other guy that just had his foot attached by a tendon. We used a real amputee and attached that to where his foot used to be, but those were pretty gruesome. And yeah, you feel it. When the ceiling was coming in, you just feel it. You get it, you know? Just get psyched up. The theme this year for Universal Studio’s Halloween Horror Nights was The Walking Dead. Are you surprised at the show’s popularity on a universal level? Why do you think zombies have become so interesting?

Bobby Quillard quillardinc.com

What’s it like on set? Does it take a long time to set up and shoot scenes with all the extras as zombies? Yeah, but you know, Greg Nicotero and Jake [Garber] and those guys, they’re really good at putting that together in a way that it doesn’t consume too much time. You’re dealing with [exhales] hundreds of extras. They organize them in regards to how close to the camera they’re going to be, so they don’t fully make them all up. The further back they are, the less they need to be made up. We’re in the fourth season now, though, so they’re pretty daggone good at going through the zombies.

I’m not surprised. Robert Kurtzman has been doing this for 10 years, and people love horror films. What we’re giving them is a horror film on TV. It touches the hearts of a lot of people who love horror, and we get to tell great stories too. I’ve noticed at the comic conventions that it’s mostly a family affair, and most people try to target a TV audience that’s family oriented. Whenever you can get a demographic that’s like 8-80, it’s just pretty awesome. From what I’ve seen, families are coming together to sit down and watch, so we’re knocking it out of the park. Do you think, because it’s dealing with the undead

more, that parents are more apt to let kids watch it, as opposed to other violent movies or shows? Yeah, people have been. I’ve always, with my daughter – she’s 13 –made sure that she doesn’t have any nightmares or anything, and most people, and kids, are loving it. As long as you’re not having any negative repercussions from it, it’s alright. And it’s not just you, it’s your whole family having that experience, so it cushions the blow. The show’s pretty notorious for killing off main characters each new season. Do you worry that Tyrese may be the next one

Totally useless fact: The average person spends 6 months of their life sitting at red lights.

to go? How do you feel entering into each new season with that hanging over you? I try to tell myself to not be preoccupied with that. I know it’s on the table at any given time, so I’m just trying to go full steam ahead into the experience I’m having, and just enjoy it. Hopefully, I’ll leave behind something. This show’s gonna be around for a while, with people going back to watch it over again, so hopefully my character will continue to resonate for new audiences. I have a feeling we’ll constantly have people getting the box sets, and word of mouth and everything, so hopefully that’ll keep me alive [laughing] when I go. campus talk

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not so happy tidings The holidays are a time of love and happiness, or at least that’s what society wants you to believe. They possess some glimmers of happiness, sure, but the majority of them are stress-filled pits of false cheer, traditional process and glutinous levels of consumption.

See pag e holiday 30 for 10 TIps to stress a nd depr prevent ession.

holiday survival kit by daniel sutphin

be prepared for family turmoil

You may think that after being at college for a semester, or for several, you will return to your childhood home to be treated as a peer, as an adult. Wrong! You may have finished the semester and hopefully passed your exams, but just like Thanksgiving, your parents’ perception of you will most likely remain as it always did: that you’re their baby.

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Totally useless fact: Nearly 80% of all animals on earth have six legs.


not so happy tidings To survive this cultural dichotomy and to leave with your family ties in tact, we here at CT thought we’d throw together another edition of our Holiday Survival Guide.

gift giving

Hanging with Friends

If you’re lucky, your parents might still take care of this one for you. They don’t want you to spend any money that may hinder your studies, or your ‘studious’ life at school. Take advantage. But, if you can afford to buy gifts for your family, at least your immediate family, try to do so. No one likes a greedy goose. Psst... Here’s one to start you off. You can buy the rest!

b f f ’s .. . r

You will be home for a longer duration than you were for Thanksgiving, so maybe it’s time to catch up with some old high school friends, if for no other reason than to remember why you didn’t like them in the first place.

ig h t ?

drinking If you’re of age and drinking helped you survive Thanksgiving, well, don’t fix what ain’t broke (as they say). But remember, moderation is key; winter break is longer and all that booze catches up with you. Psst... Try to hold yourself to a 3 beer limit. You can do it!

food saver

food

You’ve hit the jackpot on food, so remember to think ahead. There is potential for a massive load of leftovers to be acquired, so as with Thanksgiving, don’t go crazy with helpings. If you preserve your holiday doggy bag correctly, you won’t have to buy groceries for weeks, which means more money for other pursuits upon your return to college.

“What are you gonna do with your life?” Consider yourself lucky if you avoided this question during Thanksgiving. It’s going to catch up with you eventually though, so be prepared. Unless you have a legitimate answer for this, be prepared by looking up some actual majors that could throw off the inquisition. When asked, respond with answers like, “Oh, I’ve actually taken a big interest in Motorsports Science and Engineering.” Or, “I’ve recently been pursuing the vast applications of Retail Floristry.” There are many ways to dodge this bullet. Just remember to be creative and to do a little research before jumping into a bold-faced lie. Psst... We made you a list of other strange or fake majors to tell your family. Bowling Chasing Management Professional Nanny Poultry Science

christmas scented detergent

Winemaking Canadian Studies Folklore and Mythology

Comedy: Writing and Performance Comic Book Art Fermentation Sciences Viticulture and Enology

Totally useless fact: Seattle’s Fremont Bridge rises up and down more than any drawbridge in the world.

chores If you’re staying for the entire winter break, try to pull your weight. Your parents are feeding you, housing you and clothing you (even if it is with cheesy sweaters), not to mention tolerating your new ‘evolved’ college lifestyle, the least you can do is clean up after yourself.

Time with Family Family, as frustrating as it can be, is family. If you find yourself reaching your limit, remember the benefits of going home for the holidays: A restock of food, a no-pay stay away from the daily grind of classes and work, and if you’re lucky you’re probably going to leave with some awesome gifts, as well as money. campus talk

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food heaven

Goin’

Gardein must-try Meatless alternatives for the Holidays by Sarah G. Mason

The holidays are a wonderful time, filled with family feasts and warm gatherings. And yet, many Americans find themselves indisposed during the holidays. Whether you’re away at school, far from family or slammed at work, you may need an alternative to festive gettogethers, all-out meal plans and the hectic bustle of the holidays. Where can you go for a quick and healthy meal that doesn’t involve leftovers or a trip to the drive-thru? When Yves Potvin came up with the idea of Gardein 25 years ago,

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he had no idea how revolutionary his brand would be. Gardein uses vegetables to create healthy, quick meals, featuring innovative and convenient plant-based materials. These better-for-you options are the perfect solution to those holiday mealtime woes. If you’re looking for a traditional holiday dinner, the Stuffed Turk’y is a must-try. This dish features a savory blend of spices, moist cranberry with wild rice stuffing and homestyle gravy. At only 280 calories, the Stuffed Turk’y goes easy on your waist. Best of all, it

comes in two individually wrapped packs with two packs of gravy, perfect for dining alone or with a special someone. The Holiday Roast is another great option. Offering 15 grams of protein, no cholesterol and only 140 calories per serving, you can enjoy it without any post-feast guilt! Preparing a normal roast can take hours, but the Holiday Roast is ready in a fraction of the time, meaning less stress and more munch! It’s quick, easy and delicious. Are you looking for something a little less traditional this holiday

season? The Chick’n Scallopini is your answer. This meat-free and lightly seasoned meal is only 110 calories and is ready in minutes; just sauté and enjoy. You can also try the Gardein home style Beefless Tips, a fresh take on an old favorite. In eight minutes, this tasty dish is ready to eat. Not sure which one to try? With such affordable prices, you might as well pick up both! This holiday season, don’t fret over the oven. Try Gardein’s wide array of meatless meals and enjoy the season!

Totally useless fact: Ninety percent of all species that have become extinct have been birds.


Holiday Relationship Gift Cards

For Him...Clip and Gift!

One Free session of me attentively listening to you talk about your fantasy football team. Love … eh … Sincerely,

One Free absence from a socially awkward situation of your choosing, without explanation, guilt or social sanction. Love … eh … Sincerely,

One Free night of video game play without interruption. Love … eh … Sincerely,

One Free night out with the guys without me asking you where you are. Love … eh … Sincerely,

Totally useless fact: There is approximately one chicken for every human being in the world.

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decorations? check!

How to make a

Lovely

Holiday Wreath by john scheck

You, too, can make this lovely Christmas wreath all by yourself. First, go to work and earn approximately $5. This should take the average person less time than it takes to read about last night’s game in the newspaper, which is probably the first thing you do at work anyway. Then take the money and go to one of the millions of retail outlets that grow as fat as ticks during the holiday shopping season. Buy the wreath for approximately $5. You just saved yourself about eight hours of work and frustration by letting someone in a factory in the northern Chinese province of Hebei make the stupid wreath for you. Don’t you feel relieved? Tomorrow I’ll show you how to make a tasteful nativity scene using only empty beer cans, cigarette butts and spent lotto tickets.

Merry Christmas and you’re welcome. 18

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Totally useless fact: Most collect calls are made on father’s day.


Holiday Relationship Gift Cards

For Her...Clip and Gift!

One Free night of choosing the movie without argument or complaint. Love … eh … Sincerely,

One Free absence from a socially awkward situation of your choosing, without explanation, guilt or social sanction. Love … eh … Sincerely,

One Free complaint-free trip to the store for P.M.S. supplies. Love … eh … Sincerely,

One Free foot massage and/or body massage. Love … eh … Sincerely,

Totally useless fact: Each of us generates about 3.5 pounds of rubbish a day, most of it paper.

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MULTIPLE WAYS TO REACH NEW CUSTOMERS.

352-371-5881 SALES@WHPINC.COM 2

Flourish Magazine | Mar/2013

Quote here. Person Name


charted

animal planet programming

thoughts during shark week

informative shows about real animals animals killing people

bigfoot, loch Ness monsters etc...

holy crap i’m never going into the ocean again!!! hey, sharks aren’t actually so bad

people abusing or killing animals

why I am not tanned reasons teenagers today know the lyrics to classic rock songs you have to GO outside to get tanned

rockband guitar hero

I don’t tan easily

they actually listen to them

Totally useless fact: Crocodiles and alligators are surprisingly fast on land. Although they are rapid, they are not agile. 

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if you want to destroy my sweater ... By Daniel Sutphin

Skedouche.com Gives Tacky Sweaters

a “New” Life threads may look like those musty sweaters your grandmother made you shamefully wear as a child, but should you look closer, stark differences are quickly revealed.

It’s said that many things in life come full circle – a theory often supported with the case of an elderly person requiring the same care and attention as that of a small child or baby.

Of course the flaw in such a saying is that although the beginning and the outcome may be similar, they are never exactly the same. For an example, let’s consider the many tacky and potentially offensive sweaters being offered at Skedouche.com. These

With all this in mind, instead of sitting around this holiday season shamefully wearing those same musty sweaters and sneaking spiked eggnog at your parents’ house, get together with friends, throw a real party and almost come “full circle” by proudly wearing some tacky, naughty sweaters from Skedouche!

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1

3

4

5 6

1) Reindeer Games Sweater

Growing up, there were always songs about reindeer games blasting throughout the room, usually at some nauseating, overzealous volume. This year, scrap tradition and throw a new spin on the phrase with Skedouche’s Reindeer Games Sweater! The green v-neck features four reindeer enjoying a looser definition of the word “games”. It may look as innocent as the song portrayed but a closer look reveals quite the opposite. $64.99–$67.99

2) Reindeer Threesome Sweater Who said Rudolph didn’t have any friends to play with? This inappropriate mastery of stitch features a reindeer threesome with Rudolph sandwiched in the middle (note the red nose)! $64.99–$67.99

3) Nutcracker Pullover Sweater

The nutcracker is a holiday staple adorning many a dinner table during Yuletide feasts. This tried and true decoration has stood quietly at guard cracking nuts for generations. With Skedouche’s Nutcracker Pullover Holiday Sweater, the nutcrackers finally take a stand against the holiday-fueled, nut-cracking enthusiasts! $64.99–$67.99

4) Santa Pimp Cardigan Sweater

For such a well-traveled man, it’s hard to believe that Mrs. Claus was the only woman in his life, even if that’s what the story claims. Skedouche’s Santa Pimp Cardigan Sweater reveals Santa in a more “realistic” form, featuring good ole’ St. Nick with a pimp hat and cane, candy cane accents, and two cotton balls on the zipper pull. $59.99–$62.99

5) Santa Suit Sweater Dress

The old, homely Mrs. Claus finally put some of Santa’s fortune to good use, and she’s never looked hotter! Complete with fauxcleavage, bring Mrs. Claus up to par with Skedouche’s Santa Suit Sweater Dress with Cleavage! $67.99

6) Excited Snowman

The often-docile snowman is never really one to crave attention. For generations he has stood out front with a kind smile, subtlety welcoming guests and on-lookers. Skedouche’s Excited Snowman has a different kind of message. The smile may be the same, but his subtly has definitely reached a new height! $64.99–$67.99 22

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Totally useless fact: More Monopoly money is printed in a year, than real money throughout the world.


When you see it around town…

…you’ll say to yourself, “hey, that’s the What’s Happening Truck!”

FOR OUTDOOR ADVERTISING OPPORTUNITIES, CONTACT SHANE AT 352-371-5881 OR EMAIL US AT: INFO@THEWHATSHAPPENINGTRUCK.COM


THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE UGLY!

naughty By Chris Jenkins

nice

quizZICAL!

Are You On Santa’s S*** List? What were you like in 2013? Maybe you did a little too much ho-ho-hoing. Or maybe you gave back to the community… by spreading that nasty lip sore around campus. With the holidays right around the corner, it’s time to find out if you were a goodie-two-shoes or a Grade A piece of s***.

Take the quiz and see for yourself! When your friends asked if they could copy your class notes, you… (A) copied them yourself,

by hand, with highlighted notations for the more important lessons discussed in class, then handed them out with smiley face stickers pasted on top.

for as long as it took to get over the heartbreak.

(B) quietly snuck out and

(B) had a drink or two but

(B) consoled that friend

(c) wrote completely fake

(c) quietly snuck out and

(d) told them go f***

themselves.

Answer Key A = 4 points, B = 3 points, C = 2 points, D = 1 point campus talk

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Your best friend was dumped and came to you for sympathy. You…

get bagels and coffee, so you could wake them up with breakfast in bed.

at a rate of $1 per page.

notes and gave them to everyone, laughing like a madman as they all failed the next exam.

You and your friends went out one night, and you were the DD. You… (A) stayed sober all night and dropped each and every friend off at their doorstep at the end of the evening.

(A) quietly snuck out to

went straight home, never to speak to that person again.

(B) let them make copies…

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You hooked up with a coed one night, and when you woke up the next morning in their bed, you…

upheld your duties as DD.

(A) consoled that friend

by trying to set them up with a notoriously easy lay.

When your parents came to visit you one weekend, you (A) spent every second with them, going to the local museums and playhouses just to make them happy. (B) spent every second

with them, going to the local museums and playhouses… just to con them into giving you more money per semester.

(c) went to dinner with

many and blacked out in the club’s storage room.

(c) told that friend to get

over it and move on already.

them once or twice, then ignored them the rest of the weekend.

one-night stand with a roaring fart, then proceeded to Dutch oven them.

(d) drank more than any of your friends and ended up leaving them all there when you took a cab back to some random hookup’s place.

(d) immediately hit on the ex, then told your pal you were there scolding them for breaking your friend’s heart.

(d) told them you’d meet them at the local museums and playhouses, only to stand them up and meet your buddies at the bar.

If you scored 16–20, you’re not only in Santa’s good graces, you’re getting every last gift on your wish list.

If you scored 11–15, you might be on Santa’s nice list, but you’re only getting one or two presents.

If you scored 6–10, you’re officially on Santa’s s*** list. Better buy your own presents.

If you scored below 6, not only is Santa passing by your house, he’s hired a hitman to take you out for the betterment of society.

went straight to your boyfriend/girlfriend’s home.

(d) loudly woke up your

(c) had a few drinks too

Totally useless fact: Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.


play with yourself

R E B M E C DE

GO FIGURE

CR O S SWORD

SN OW FL AK ES

C RYPTO QUIP{

SUDOKU

Totally useless fact: Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every 2 weeks otherwise it will digest itself.

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play with yourself

CRYPTO QUOTE

Wishing well games

EVEN EXCHaNGE SPOT THE DIFFERENCE

TRY SQUARES 26

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Totally useless fact: Women manage the money and pay the bills in 75% of all Americans households.


you sooooo cheated

R E B M E DEC

WORD HUNT!

! t o n k fear

MEGA MAZE where’s frank?

Totally useless fact: It has NEVER rained in Calama, a town in the Atacama Desert of Chile.

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tic tac toe!

Use this space for TIC TAC TOE, or anything else you can think of to spare the borEdom of class!

Events in Gainesville

Get Out and About!

Nov. 30: A Christmas Carol opens at The Hipp Dec. 3: Sounds of the Season by UF Symphony Orchestra Dec. 2: Hello Dolly! at the Phillips Center Dec. 6: Holiday Lights First Friday Santa Crawl Downtown Dec. 7: Holiday Tree Lighting Dudley Farm Cane Day Festival Craft Festival at O’Dome Dec. 8: Haile Homestead Holiday Visits Dec. 13: Candlelight Visits at Historic Haile Homestead Dec. 17: Christmas in Ireland at the Phillips Center Dec. 31: Downtown Countdown

Fall is an exciting time to be in Gainesville. Between UF Football, concerts and art festivals, there’s always something to do. So take a break from campus and get out and about in Gainesville. For more information and a complete listing of events visit our website.

www.visitgainesville.com 352.374.5260

VisitGainesvilleFlorida 28

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@ Gainesville

Totally useless fact: The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.


hahahaha

Remember

send all jokes to funny@mycampus talk.com and you could win a Campus Talk t-shirt.

A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm. She passes a person who asks, “Where did you get that?” The pig says, “I won her in a raffle!”

Q: Why is it so hard to replace Vanna White? A: They can’t find another blonde who knows the whole alphabet.

My parents recently retired. Mom always wanted to learn to play the piano, so dad bought her a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, I asked how she was doing with it. “Oh, we returned the piano,” said my Dad. “I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet instead.” “How come?” I asked. “Because,” he answered, “with a clarinet, she can’t sing.”

Q: What happened when the Pope went to Mount Olive? A: Popeye beat the crap outta him.

The game of choice for unemployed people or maintenance level workers is basketball. The game of choice for frontline workers is football. The game of choice for middle management is tennis. The game of choice for CEOs and executives is golf. Conclusion: The higher up on the corporate ladder you are, the smaller your balls are.

Totally useless fact: It is illegal to hunt camels in the state of Arizona.

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not so happy tidings

10 tips for preventing holiday stress and depression As it’s been clearly stated, the holidays are a stressful and sometimes depressing time. Regardless, it’s important to stay mentally healthy during the holidays and come out on top of the season. While people have many ways of coping, they might not always be the healthiest ways to do so. Some quick tips to remember for coping this holiday season, according to the Mayo Clinic, include:

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Acknowledge your feelings

Be Realistic

Set Aside Differences

Stick to a Budget

Plan ahead

Learn to say no

Don’t abandon healthy habits

Take a breather

Seek professional help if needed

Take control of the holidays

Totally useless fact: There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.


DECK THE HALLS WITH HUMAN SACRIFICES!

The Weird Stories

By Brian Hodges

Behind Beloved Christmas Decorations It’s Christmas time again. Time to start singing carols – unless you’re a radio station, in which case you started somewhere around Halloween. Time to start drinking copious amounts of eggnog and taking advantage of freshmen. And, of course, time to start decking the halls with boughs of whatever. And what better way to get in the mood for decorating than by reading about all the weird stories and traditions behind those ornaments… okay so there probably are better ways to get in the mood (most of them involving that eggnog) but come on, I needed a segue!

CHRISTMAS PICKLE

Lots of us have seen this one. Originating out of Germany, a glass pickle is the last ornament to be hung on the tree, and the kid who finds it on Christmas morning gets an extra present from Santa Claus. Only one small problem: almost nobody from Germany has ever heard of such a tradition! So, we’re left to make up the significance ourselves. One story has it that a Civil War POW asked his jailer for a pickle and it gave him the strength and hope to survive. Hmm… yeah, I’m gonna vote nay on that one. Can’t we just say it started out as a bad innuendo about shoving a pickle into a bush and leave it at that?

YULE LOG

Santa Claus Ain’t Coming To Their Town As it turns out, Kris Kringle does not corner the world market on Christmas giving. Depending on where you grow up, all manners of personalities might pay you a visit on Christmas Eve. Spain & South America: The Three Kings (yes those three kings)

Germany: A blonde, childlike angel called the Christkind

Italy: A kindly old witch called La Befana

Scandinavia: A shape-shifting gnome called the Tomte

Russia: Father Frost and his granddaughter

Of course the very best Christmas traditions (from the tree itself to the date December 25th) take their roots from, say it with me folks, paganism. Pagans were nothing if not inventive with their cult objects, as well as their ability to fuse joyous occasions with the bloodiest, most horrifying ceremonies possible. The Yule log stems out of a Celtic ritual where a large log was burned in the earth to honor their sun god. But that tradition was reminiscent of an even older tradition, whereby the Celts honored their sun god by, you guessed it, burning people to death! Doesn’t feel like such a warm and cozy glow now does it?

Totally useless fact: Annual growth of WWW traffic is 314,000%

MISTLETOE

In the Old Norse religion, the son of love goddess Frigga was killed by a poisonous mistletoe dart. Hey, why not? After Frigga (and if that isn’t the best friggin’ name for a love goddess, I don’t know what is) cried on the mistletoe, her son come back to life. She was so happy that she agreed to kiss anyone who walked under the dastardly little plant. Meanwhile, ancient Druids thought the mistletoe increased fertility since its juice looked so much like man goo. Yes, if there’s one thing we can really thank the pagans for, it’s a hearty heaping spoonful of sex as the basis for almost every rite worth remembering. These days, we tend to hang holly over the door and only call it mistletoe. Apparently we’re not picky, so long as somebody hot plants one on our lips.

TINSEL

According to a Ukrainian legend, a magic spider spun its web across the branches of a poor widow’s Christmas tree. Blinking lights it wasn’t, but you know what they say about beggars and choosers. When the first rays of sunlight hit the web, it turned into strands of gold and silver, and the widow was poor no longer. I seem to remember a Stephen King story involving much the same setup, though the ending took a much harsher turn. Walk through Ukraine during Christmas these days and you’ll see their trees decorated with fake spider webs to commemorate the story. The tradition made its way to the United States in the form of tinsel, though I think you’ll agree, on most trees it resembles a rat’s nest more than a spider’s web.

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MADLIBS!

ridiculous

resolutions naomi piercey

Who need’s em? By Naomi Piercey

I

ries of Fall erase the horrible memo t’s almost 2013 – time to ht as well mig you a clean slate, so semester. January means popular st mo the of list a h throug take advantage! Let’s run n: ow r one to call you resolutions, so you can find

Time with Family: ily makes you THING YOU DISLIKE) fam (ADJECTIVE ABOUT SOME nding Because your “spe k thin ’t don you , ) ROOM (VERB YOU DO IN THE BATH y’re too The want to . hile rthw wo nds” is going to be (-ING VERB OF more time with family and frie ays alw and NEIGHBOR) (ADJECTIVE ABOUT YOUR rse in r mother needs to take a cou DO IN PUBLIC). Plus, you rehab for SOMETHING YOU WOULDN’T ds nee r the bro e littl r you S), and (A TRAIT YOUR MOTHER LACK n. (XBOX 360 GAME) addictio his Get in shape: like your inflated like a tire? At least you ’ve Yeah, so what if your belly has (SYNONYM FOR FAT) you ra (BODY PART)! The ext winter and the in m war you ps kee rs yea need acquired through your college AL) fit snugly. No (ARTICLE OF CLOTHING - PLUR ng to goi t makes sure all your isn’ ting in shape in 2013 just (ADJECTIVE) belts! Get for (VERB) first. happen. You’d rather Enjoy life: ’d rather enjoy on to enjoy life more, but you Some people make a resoluti ed. What rrat ove is ess pin more. Hap (FAVORITE FOOD/DRINK) your optimism not , ) (JUNK FOOD full of makes you happy is a room . ) (PLURAL NOUN and rainbow-colored

Pay the bills: you are often (SPACE IN A HOUSE), and The bills are filling up the a is t deb of out but getting (-ING VERB) in them, be illegal just tely no fun. Paying bills should olu abs It’s on. luti reso ) CTIVE (ADJE r mom to you to turn ays alw you can (-ING VERB)! Besides, like (INSULT). too much to say beg for money. She loves you Get Organized: ed this ided they want to get organiz Many of your friends have dec (BODY PARTS)? n when you have year. Who needs organizatio (ARTICLE OF CLOTHING) n to find clea you like They might actually be able (EVENT) on time, but a to up w sho or ms roo ir the a in ring wea e gin ima ’t ldn cou (ADJECTIVE) room and your (ITEM THAT TELLS TIME).

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Totally useless fact: %60 of all people using the Internet, use it for pornography.


WHO’S THE BOOB? YOU OR THE TUBE?

What You’re Really Watching During An NFL Game Conventional wisdom would have you believe that watching an NFL game on TV entails, you know, watching an NFL game on TV. But alas, super-smart scientists holed up in a windowless building in some third-world country have concocted this inconclusive, unflappable study that disproves that theory altogether. Get ready to have your mind blown by the truth!

Beer commercials Truck commercials

Huddles, timeouts and other times when players are just standing around talking Replay of last play

Announcers drawing on replay of last play Shots of face-painted fans holding signs that use the broadcasting station’s initials as an acronym

Totally useless fact: In Bangladesh, kids as young as 15 can be jailed for cheating on their finals!

Referee explaining why blocking penalty that occurred on the other side of the field negated the previous thrilling play

Officials spending five minutes watching replay from 45 different angles before announcing that “The ruling on the field stands.”

Injured guy being tended to

Actual football action campus talk

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WINTER WONDER-FLUB

The Freshman 15 starts in August and really isn’t noticeable until winter break. The holiday season ignites fat storage due to heavy amounts of desserts and way too much food. Typically, a freshman ventures out from Thursday to Sunday consuming alcohol, spending mommy and daddy’s money and then eating pizza at 2 a.m. before passing out. One of the worst things to do is to eat before bed and, more specifically, to eat carbohydrates before bed is the ultimate no-no. Freshmen are in a whole new world away from their parents’ house and away from homecooked meals.

By Kevin “Kage” Pearson

Battling

the Freshman 15 during the Holidays 34

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Winter season is a time for boots and thicker outfits. Attention gluttons will bear the cold and make it out in a miniskirt, but for everyone else, it’s time for thicklayered attire. This attire doesn’t reflect the weight you slowly gain because, generally, winter wardrobe is loose fitting and doesn’t reveal skin. You are happy with how you look and do not notice the inches slowly accumulating around that waist.

Totally useless fact: If one places a tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion, it will instantly go mad and sting itself to death.


WINTER WONDER-FLUB

Dietary Tips

Drink ice-cold water on an empty stomach. It’s a great way to start off the morning. Your body will have to generate heat so the water is at body temp. Also, try a month of only drinking water. Soda and fruit juices are empty calories so try to avoid them. Add some spicy food to your diet. One spice, capsaicin, will add some kick in your sinuses, as well as speed up your metabolism. It is the active ingredient in pepper spray, but I wouldn’t recommend spraying your buffalo wings with it. Avoiding alcohol is not an option simply because that would boring. Instead, switch to vodka/soda water. Do not get tonic . There are calories in tonic. The carbonation will help mask the vodka better than plain water, too. Carbonated drinks also help alcohol absorb quicker. It is also a common misconception that alcohol doesn’t have any calories. It actually has 7 calories per gram. A 1.5-ounce shot of vodka averages between 90–110 calories. Ask for weight loss supplements for holiday gifts. There are fat burners and there are cheat pills. Fat burners contain stimulants. They will provide an energetic feeling and speed up your metabolism. They can also increase your core temp with thermogenics. The cheat pills are stimulant free. They contain compounds that fool your mind into thinking you’re full and inhibit digestion. Hoodia, glucomanin and a few others will help by sending signals to the brain saying you’re satisfied. They also block some of the fat and carbohydrate absorption. Try not to eat right before bed, especially carbohydrates. Carbohydrates to most people are known to be a quick energy source. You use them to work out. When asleep, you do not require the carbohydrates so they just store as fat. Fruit is nature’s candy. Fruits are comprised primarily of sugar. It may be true that fruits are much healthier than refined sugars in candy, but it will still have an affect on your blood glucose level and just make you hungry shortly after you ingest. If you eat fruits, you should do it at the beginning of the day.

Healthy Alternatives

• Low-carb tortilla wraps are high in fiber and protein.

Fitness Tips

100 Reps a day There is a movement forming that supports everybody doing 100 reps per day of any exercise. These are body weight exercises, so no equipment is required. Whether it is air squats, lunges or pushups, 100 reps per day is an easy way to help keep off the pounds during the holiday. Interval training Most men would rather do weight training over cardio. Women are often vice versa. One way to get them both in the same amount of time is with interval training. Between every set of weight lifting exercises follow it with five or 10 burpees (body weight exercise starting from standing and jumping into pushup position, chest touching floor, and then back up on feet and jumping at least 6 inches off the ground.) One rep should take less than 3 seconds. You can also try sprinting 100 meters between sets or even jumping on the treadmill for a minute. The interval training will keep your heart rate in constant fluctuation between athletic training, cardio, and fat burning zones. Force yourself for 30 days It takes an average of 30 days to make something habitual. Most people relate habits to bad tendency, but there can be good ones too! I once hated to jog, but I did it every other day for a month and it became a habit.

Sleep naked The body burns calories to stay warm. Wearing tight-fitting clothes to bed will keep your body warm for you so there won’t be a need for heat production through energy reactions. This was also stated on Dr. Oz, so it’s deemed true to 90 percent of women over 30. New Year’s Resolutions The number one resolution is weight loss. Make this your resolution if you feel you have a problem and tell everyone you can all over your Twitter and Facebook. The more you tell people, the more pressure you have to meet your goal. Random fact Gluten free does not make something healthy so don’t make assumptions. It simply states that there isn’t any gluten in the product. Kevin Kage is a certified personal trainer and a teacher of mixed martial arts at F2 Arena & Darkside Athletics. He also works at Complete Nutrition and writes fitness articles for Swolescience.com. For more of Kevin Kage see youtube channel kevinkagemma and visit swolescience.com

Park your car in the tow away zone from 9 a.m.– 5 p.m. Most bars are near populated areas with little to no parking and the spots available tend to be tow-away zones during daytime hours. Drive your rust bucket (sober please) and park in one of these spots. Get drunk and hitch a ride home with someone. In the morning you will be forced to run to your car in fear of getting a ticket or being towed.

• Turkey bacon is great, but get a Jenny O’s brand. • Greek yogurt is a great substitute for sour cream and most are fat free and high in protein. • Use hot sauce instead of ketchup. Tabasco has little to no calories and packs a lot of flavor; mustard is the same way. • Egg whites are huge in the world of getting jacked, ripped, lean, shredded or any other word that makes being in shape sound awesome. While there are some benefits from eating a whole egg, it is far easier to get lean using just the egg white, which is protein without the fat. Try using one whole egg with three egg whites if you want the best of both worlds. Totally useless fact: Sex burns 360 calories per hour.

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GUARAN

For Specials, Discounts, and More.

TEXT JIFFY3 TO 90210

TO SAVE YOTUE$E$D !

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Totally useless fact: You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching TV.


damned you siri

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Publishing division creating the best in college publications to college students.

Totally useless fact: The human heart creates enough pressure to squirt blood 30ft.

Connecting students to student properties clear across the country. Traffic is our middle name.

From pens to ping pong tables, our promotional department can handle all of your logo merchandising needs.

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39


charted

girls that say they medical issues like nerds according to google would shudder at the thought of a guy who’s legitImately a nerd

what I really have std

pregnant

life threatening likes guys who play video games

heart attack

legitimately like nerds

why motivational speakers sound so motivated

can you fix this for me?

they are truly motivated and want you to be motivated too

they’re getting $10,000 per session

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how people react WHEN THEY KNOW i’m an engineerING major

wow, you must study really hard!

Totally useless fact: One third of all cancers are sun related.


my rough life!

my pizzA doesn’t FIT in the fridge

Every Day is Gameday

In Gainesville every day is Gameday, only the venues change! So whether you love going outdoors or simply going out to eat, we’ve got just what you’re looking for. Paddle the Santa Fe River, dine at one of our delicious local restaurants or search for treasures at local boutiques and vintage shops downtown. Gainesville, where nature and culture meet.

www.visitgainesville.com 352.374.5260

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Totally useless fact: In a lifetime the average human produces enough quarts of spit to fill 2 swimming pools.

campus talk

@ Gainesville |

december 2013

41


Looking Back

6 Post-Graduation Lessons and Regrets By Katherine Muniz

MyBankTracker.com How many people on graduation day wound up where they expected? The answer, I’m afraid, is few. Coming down from the elation of graduation, what I experienced, and what so many of my friends and classmates experienced, can be referred to as the “quarter-life crisis.” Constantly questioning your every move, trying to find a foothold in an attempt to start a career, being forced to take jobs you’re way too qualified for, and yes, possibly working at an unpaid internship, are all characteristic of the quarter-life crisis. While it’s a problem many are facing, especially millennials, I’m left to ponder the question: did I do this to myself? Evaluating my professional prospects over the year, I’m left with the wholly honest answer – yes. Although the economy is stamping out the excitement, vigor and readiness our generation once radiated, I know I could have done more to pad myself from the painful reality of the flinchingly harsh job market, also known as hell. I emerged a year after graduation bruised and battered, but wiser. I’ve pored over what went wrong during my college days, and came up with seven ways I could have put myself in a much more desirable situation. The cards were in my hand and I simply chose not to play them. If you’re about to enter college, or returning for a new semester, here are the six things I wish I had done differently. 42

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Lesson 1: I Should Have Interned While Still In School I didn't start my first internship until just two months before graduating, because I thought I would be overwhelmed by taking on courses and an internship. Though I felt my concerns were valid, I would go on to regret my decision to delay working an internship. Many internships only hire interns who are still in school, and are credit-only. These days, the quickest way to getting a job is through an internship, as a recent survey found that 69 percent of companies with 100 or more employees offered full-time jobs to their interns in 2012. A year later I was still catching up, while my fellow classmates were making money and starting their careers. Lesson 2: I Should Have Worked Hard and Partied Hard So often, taking an exam is the main factor in determining your grade. That means you don’t have to complete all the readings or show up to every single class. However, college is called higher education for a reason. You’re shelling out all that money to grow intellectually, and the payoff will be life-long, instilling a good work ethic and a wealth of knowledge that will make you all the more desirable as a potential candidate in the workforce. There should be a good balance of working hard and playing hard. If you work hard, it’s understandable to let off some steam – plus you'll make some memorable moments!

Lesson 3: I Should Have Been in a Club (Or 10) Had I been in one club alone, I could have developed better leadership skills, contributed to an overall goal and nursed a passion. When I was still in school, I reasoned that an employer wouldn’t really care what clubs I had been a part of in college. Regardless, I was left much worse off in the end. Engaging in clubs would have shown that I was motivated, active on campus and a real go-getter. Lesson 4: I Should Have Interacted With My Teachers I minored in history. One of my professors stands out in my mind as being one of the best teachers I've ever had. Ever. He was funny, charismatic, moving and knowledgeable. He was so remarkable – every single student loved him. He'll never know I have these glowing comments about him, because I never got to know him on a personal basis. I rarely took advantage of the vast office hours my professors offered. I could have

Totally useless fact: Barbie’s measurements, if she were life-size, would be 39-29-33.


Looking Back talked to him about history, the weather, my grades â&#x20AC;&#x201C; anything. But I didn't. He probably would've been a great mentor.

Lesson 6: I Should not Have Expected Life to Begin The Day I Finished School

Aside from that, getting to know my professors on a one-on-one level would have been enriching for me academically and professionally. Having a favorite professor write you a letter of recommendation as you begin your job search after graduation can definitely be helpful.

Life is a lot of hard work. The only opportunities are the ones you seek out, and the ones that emerge when dumb luck falls on your side.

Lesson 5: I Should Have Relished True Friends more In college, itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s so easy to get distracted by the little things when it comes to friends.. I had many different friends in my four years at school, but by the end of it, they had dwindled down to only a few people that remained true and loyal. My friend, Judy, is an amazing person and a program associate at the Urban Teacher Center. She was my date to our classâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; Senior Boat Cruise, and my shoulder to lean on when I was navigating my way through unemployment and trying to land a job as a recent grad. To this day, I still count her as a friend, and look back on our memories fondly. I cherish the days spent laughing, talking, and confiding in each other. Despite this, itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s not until now that I recognize how vital these friendships were to my success as a student, and to my time as a post-graduate.

Youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re going to struggle with keeping your work identity from defining you as a person, and if you're unemployed, you might be struggling to get a work identity at all.

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All I can say is, try, try, try. Intern during the summers, make some friends and be active in your school. It may feel all wrong to you, but figuring out who you are is an act of determination, and trial and error.

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FREE PARKING! Totally useless fact: It has been estimated that humans use only 10% of their brain.

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43


Finding an Apartment

powered by collegerentals.com

Tips & Checklist

Before You Set Out: Make a shopping list.

Are you looking for hardwood floors, dishwasher, washer and dryer? Do you have enough parking space for you and your roommates? Does the whole apartment need to be painted in orange and blue? You may not find everything, but it doesn’t hurt to set priorities.

Cover the bases.

Many landlords will want to verify your references. Phone ahead to alert possible references, including your former landlord, that they may receive a call.

During the Search: Try to see the units in the daytime. You’ll want to know how much natural light an apartment gets. It’s helpful to see what shape the place is in and whether more work is needed to make it habitable.

Do a careful walk-through of any unit you’re serious about.

The best time to ask about repairs and improvements is before you commit. Attach a list of any damages to the lease, and have it initialed by your landlord so you’re not held responsible later. This is especially important in a college town. Who knows who may have lived in the apartment before you!

Take measurements.

Take measurements of your larger furnishings (and take along a tape measure) to see how your things will fit… or what things you’ll need to buy. Be realistic about the move. If you have a king-size waterbed, maybe the fourth floor isn’t the best spot for you.

Ask Questions.

The College Rentals Apartment Tips & Checklist provides a thorough list of questions to ask.

Meet the neighbors!

Will you live above or below someone; do you share walls? Knock on doors and introduce yourself. Find out if neighbors are friendly, how they feel about noise, what they like about the neighborhood. This is a good person to ask about the safety of a neighborhood. Landlords aren’t allowed to discuss such things, but your new neighbor will know if the place has bad lighting or a wild Rottweiler problem.

Visit as many places as you can…

so you’ll have a good idea of what your money buys. Use our Apartment Checklist as a guide to inspecting and comparing choices. Then be prepared to ACT QUICKLY when you find something you like! Lots of complexes are on the internet. While you shouldn’t rely too heavily on the web, it is a good lace to get started narrowing to a list of possibilities. Check out www.collegerentals.com.

ITEM APARTMENT NAME} 1) Amount of Rent? 2) Amount of Security Deposit? 3) Amount of Late Payment Penalty? 4) Pet Fee? 5) Individual Leases? 6) Size of Apartment? 7) Penalty for Breaking Lease? 8) Furnished? 9) Private Bathrooms? 10) Utilities Included? 11) Cable Included? 12) High-Speed Internet/Ethernet? 13) Allowed to Paint Walls? 14) Ample Power Outlets/Phone Jacks? 15) Kitchen Appliances in Good Condition? 16) Vaulted Ceilings? 17) Ceiling Fans? 18) Curtains and Blinds? 19) Fitness Center? Office on site? 20) Tennis Courts/Basketball/Volleyball? 21) Overall Condition of Apartment? 22) Plenty of Closet and Storage Space? 23) Security/Alarms? 24) Washer/Dryers or Laundry Facilities? 25) Convenient to School? 26) Convenient to Bus Routes? 27) Convenient to Stores? 28) Quiet Community or Active Area? 29) Ample Parking? 30) Convenient Visitor Parking? 31) Porch/Patio? 32) Garbage Dumpster Proximity? 33) Maid Service? 34) Smoke Detectors/Carbon Monoxide Detector? 35) Gated Entry?

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Rentals Rentals

After You’ve Found It:

Read your lease thoroughly… and make sure you understand it. Don’t be afraid to ask! For example;

• What utilities are you responsible for? • H ow is the television reception? • Will you need cable? • Is there reference to existing wear or damage or a penalty for breaking the lease? • H ow does the management feel about subleases?

44

Enjoy.

No apartment is going to be perfect; how much you enjoy where you live is largely up to you. Meet the people at the complex, and you’ll enjoy your living experience much more than if you stay indoors, drinking alone. Hang out at the pool. Play some basketball. Throw a party. No matter how you feel about the physical space you occupy, new friends can make you feel right at home.

Totally useless fact: Daylight Saving Time is not observed in most of the state of Arizona and parts of Indiana.


Frequent Q&A My landlord refuses to make repairs, what can I do?

Hopefully you have kept a record of when you first reported the problem and asked that repairs be made. Be sure to document in writing each and every report and complaint made to the landlord. Keep a notebook next to the phone for recording conversations with your landlord. For each conversation, write the date, time, name of the person with whom you spoke, and what was said by each party to the conversation. If the landlord fails to make repairs within a reasonable time, you can report the problems to the city housing code office and ask for an inspection. If violations of the housing code are found, ask your landlord for a partial refund of the rent for the period of time that the violation existed. You may be able to either withhold your rent or terminate your lease if the problem constitutes a material breach of the lease or the landlord’s statutory duty to provide and maintain a reasonably safe and habitable dwelling. You must follow the exact requirements of Florida Statute 83.56. You must give the landlord a written notice demanding the repairs be made in seven days. The notice must indicate your intention to terminate the lease or withhold rent if the repairs are not made. The notice should be hand delivered or sent by certified mail. Be sure and keep a copy of the letter. This is a complicated process and the legal consequences are very serious. You should consult Student Legal Services before attempting to terminate your lease or withhold rent.

Can I deduct repair costs from my rent?

No. Florida Law does not authorize you to make repairs or to recover the cost of such repairs. In fact, most apartment leases prohibit repairs by tenants. Therefore, if you want to make repairs and deduct the cost from the rent, you must obtain prior consent from your landlord.

Can my landlord raise my rent during my lease term?

Not unless the lease contains a specific provision allowing for a rent increase. From the tenant’s perspective, one of the primary reasons for having a written lease is to lock in the rent for the rental period. READ THE LEASE BEFORE YOU SIGN IT. Normally, you should not sign a lease providing for a rent increase.

Can I break my lease if I have good reason? “I am graduating?” NO! “My roommate left?” NO! “I cannot afford the rent?” NO! “I need to work this summer?” NO! “The neighborhood is unsafe?” NO!

You can only terminate the lease if the landlord is materially violating your lease or the Florida Residential Landlord and Tenant Act. You should obtain legal advice before attempting to terminate your lease. In many cases, the best thing you can do is find a replacement tenant.

How soon must I renew my lease?

There is no legally established time period. You should not sign a lease that provides for automatic renewals or requires you to give the landlord a notice of non-renewal. If you do sign such a lease, you must strictly comply with the notice requirements imposed by the lease. If the lease does not specify otherwise, renewals are a matter of general contract law. The landlord cannot force you to renew prior to the end of your lease. However, if you do not renew by the landlord’s “deadline,” the landlord may rent your apartment to someone else.

What can happen if I don’t pay rent?

Failure to pay rent is the quickest way to be evicted. The landlord will serve a notice demanding payment of rent or possession of the apartment. If you fail to comply with the demand within three days, excluding weekends and holidays, eviction proceedings may be started. Neither surrender of the apartment nor eviction ends your liability for rent. You should immediately contact Student Legal Services if you receive a three-day notice.

Can I be evicted if I pay “my” rent and my roommates don’t?

Usually. Most leases provide that the tenants are jointly and severally liable for the entire rent. That means that you are both responsible for each other’s share and jointly responsible for paying the full amount. Therefore, the landlord can evict you unless the full rent is paid. It is possible for you to sue your roommates in small claims court to collect their share of the rent and utilities. A written roommate agreement will be helpful in proving your case in court. Given the difficulty of collecting money on a judgment quickly, the best thing you can do is obtain new roommates.

Note: This information does not apply to apartments offering individual leases.

Totally useless fact: A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.

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sign on the dotted keg

CT’s Certified

Roommate Contract

Living with a complete stranger can be difficult. Unfortunately, for all of you planning on bunking up with a buddy, living with friends can also be difficult. That’s why the first thing you’ll learn about this fabled “real world” is the utter importance of getting everything (and we mean everything) in writing. To help facilitate that, we’ve drawn up a can’t-fail, tried-and-true roomie contract to help settle all disputes before they ever happen. Think of it as a pre-nup, minus the romance and sex… or not.

CT’s ROOMMATE

CONTRACT This contract hereby states that and will cohabitate in a peaceful and respectful manner from the day they move in to the day they move out. After that, they can be jackasses to each other whenever they’d like. Whereas said roommates agree not to steal each other’s significant others, one-night stands, possible hook-ups and/or prostitutes (if applicable). And whereas said roommates agree not to fart in public while other cohabitants and/or their friends and family are present (unless said fart is part of a joke or prank, in which case it is permissible). Moreover, all cohabitants agree to abide by “whoever smelt it, dealt it.”

And whereas all cohabitants agree to abide by the “whoever killed it, fills it” rule pertaining to all alcoholic beverages, specifically kegs.

And whereas if one roommate buys a pizza, no other roommate may eat a slice unless given direct permission from said buyer.

And whereas said roommates agree never to wake up before 10 a.m., regardless of whether or not they have an 8:30 a.m. class (or exam, for that matter).

And whereas all roommates agree that if and when Anchorman is playing on TV, no cohabitant may change the channel or ask for the volume to be lowered. This also applies during weeks of midterm and final exams.

And whereas all cohabitants involved in serious relationships will not publicly display affection around any other cohabitants or guests unless said significant other is really, really, really hot.

All signing participants agree to uphold and abide by said rules and regulations. If any individual roommate should fail to meet these requirements, they may be subjected to hours of TPing at the hands of their fellow cohabitants.

(Sign and Date)

(Sign and Date) This contract is certified by Campus Talk and should be notarized by Frank.

DROP OF BLOOD HERE!

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Totally useless fact: 1 in 8 Americans has worked at a McDonalds restaurant.


how-to manual

Graduating from college creates a flurry of mixed emotions: Pride, excitement, relief and, seeping slowly in the back of the mind, fear and stress. Life after college seems freeing, and while it definitely is at times, new freedoms and thoughts of progress can bring a weight of stress and anxiety. Everyone has different ideas of the best way to handle life after graduating college, but everyone is different in their circumstances, opportunities and potential. Despite what your parents tell you, the world is different now and what may have worked “back in their day” is not necessarily going to work today. Author Jenny Blake penned “Life After College” as a manual for every graduate and young professional. The guide gives advice to help people focus on the bigger picture. It provides tips, quotes and exercises for life including work, money, home, organization, friends and family, dating and relationships, health, fun and relaxation and growth. With the economy and employment so prevalent in everyone’s minds, one chapter focuses on work. In this chapter, Blake writes:

ore by m d a e nr ter You ca ing “Life Af te s e purcha : The Compl You t e Colleg Getting Wha m. o c o . t Guide ” on Amazon e) Want 00 (List pric $17. By Daniel Sutphin

Get What You Want

O ut of Life with Jenny Blake’s “Life After College”  48

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We spend the majority of our waking hours at work. Producing work that engages our mind and our creative capabilities can be the greatest feeling in the world. Toiling at the entry level filing papers and stocking office supplies can feel mind numbing – but only if you let it. They call it “work” for a reason – it isn’t always fun and games. You can learn from almost every situation and person you encounter – consider it part of your ongoing post-college education. We all work for different reasons. At a minimum, our jobs help pay the bills. At best, our jobs also allow us to grow, learn, contribute, collaborate and feel fulfilled. Despite how much of your identity may be wonderfully shaped by the work that you do – don’t forget this very important fact: You are not your job. You are a creative, interesting, independent individual with your own ideas, aspirations, interests and insights. This chapter is about: • N avigating the workplace with professionalism • S urviving life at the entry level • B uilding a strong reputation • L aying a foundation for your long-term career • D iscovering what you are passionate about • D efining what effective work/life balance means to you “Life After College” can serve as “one-stop shop” that is part journal, part motivator, and part guidebook. Your twenties are a time of freedom and self-discovery, but the job market is competitive and it doesn’t hurt to have an edge over the competition.

Totally useless fact: 70% of all boats sold are used for fishing.


ANTI-STRESS

KIT

Directions: 1) Put down textbooks and other studying material 2) Stare intently at the big circle

3) Bang head repeatedly in middle of circle as hard as possible 4) Black out 5) Conveniently wake up after exams have ended

Totally useless fact: You were born with 300 bones, but by the time you are an adult you will only have 206.

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RIDDLE ME THIS!

MIND

What goes up #1 white and comes down yellow?

GAMES in in a r b r u o y p e e k To ing g n u lo e il h w e p sha on your couchâ&#x20AC;Ś

#5

1) An egg, 2) A goose, 3) Fire, 4) The year 1961. It reads the same upside down. This will not happen again until the year 6009, 5) A yardstick.

What has a foot on each side and one in the middle? #2

#3

s What grows when w o r g t Wha ile it eats, but dies up wh g growin n it drinks? e h w down? 50

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#4

What happened in the middle of the tw entieth century that will not happen again fo r 4,000 years?

Totally useless fact: The strongest muscle (Relative to size) in the body is the tongue.


hahahaha

After his divorce, Mr. Jones realized that poker isn’t the only game that starts with holding hands and ends with a staggering financial loss.

Remember to

send all jokes funny@mycampus talk.com and you could win a Campus Talk t-shirt.

“Honey,” said a husband to his wife. “I invited a friend home for supper.” “What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven’t been shopping, all the dishes are dirty and I don’t feel like cooking a fancy meal!” she said. “I know all that,” replied the husband. “Then why did you invite a friend for supper?” she asked. “Because the poor fool’s thinking about getting married.”

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband walking around with a fly swatter in his hand. “What are you doing?” she asked. “I’m killing flies. Three males and two females, to be exact,” he answered. “How can you tell their sex?” “Well, three were on an open beer can and the other two were on the phone!”

Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead? A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up. Q. Why is it called PMS? A. Because “Mad Cow Disease” was already taken. Q. What does a redhead miss the most at a party? A. The Invitation! Q: How did Burger King get Dairy Queen pregnant? A: He forgot to wrap his whopper.

Totally useless fact: A Boeing 747’s wingspan is longer than the Wright brother’s first flight.

Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their lives. The one guy said, “I’m a YUPPIE. You know, Young Urban Professional.” The second guy responded, “I’m a DINK. You know, Double Income No Kids.” They then asked the woman, “What are you?” She replied, “I’m a WIFE. You know, Wash, Iron, Fornicate, Etc.”

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ZONING OUT by Kelly Herman

The Truth about the

Friend Zone

Many a time I have witnessed men bemoaning the friend zone, a cruel torture allegedly implemented by women as the ultimate cockblock. The good news is: Women didn’t invent the friend zone. Men did. “Preposterous!” you say, “Women are the one using it!” Well, misunderstood as the actions of mysterious female creatures are, I’ve decided to clear up the confusion about the friend zone: It’s a myth. That’s right! You can put your swords down and stop fighting against the ugly, cruel beast that the friend zone has become. It’s not even there. See, it’s just an excuse men use to blame women for throwing nice guys into friend territory when they should really be in allowed to roam the dating field. It’s not that women don’t go for “the nice guy” because he’s too nice or not a bad dude wearing a leather jacket and keeping cigarette packs in his motorcycle boots. The truth is we love nice guys! They’re the ones that bring us ice cream when we’re bleeding. Who wouldn’t want to keep that around? Nice guys have one fatal, self-defeating flaw though: They screw themselves over (and into the friend zone) by not being themselves.

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Did I just blame men for friend zoning themselves? Yes. Yes I did. I’ll give you a personal example to drive this point home. My closest guy friend is a hot guy, with a ripped body, a great sense of humor, is adventurous, intelligent, and the nicest guy I know. “If he’s so great why aren’t you dating him???” Unfortunately (for me) I’m not attracted to him personally, but most of my friends are (fortunately for him.) I have tried over and over to hook him up with many in my gaggle of gal pals, but every time he chats them up he begins to shoot himself in the foot. The problem with him, and with any other truly nice guy, is that he gets way into his head about what he’s saying and how he’s acting, hoping he doesn’t offend or say the wrong thing. He even avoids physical contact because he’s just straight scared, poor guy.

The point is that nice guys usually water down their personalities – the parts of them that make them interesting and attractive to females – which causes them to miss their window. All women look at each new male prospect as, well, just that – a prospect. We can usually figure out after a few weeks how much you like us and if we would have fun dating you. When a nice guy shies away from his opportunity to stand out and make a move, they miss their chance to be unleashed into the playing field. Instead, they buy themselves a ticket straight to the friend zone, and honey, that is a one-way ticket. You put yourself in the friend zone by being friends material, instead of romantic-interest material.

The next time you’re courting a woman you’re really interested in, don’t back down from being who you are. If you make corny jokes, fire away! If you’re into designing roller coasters or baking tiered cakes, make that known! Be the passionate, fun, nice guy that you are, and you’ll never blow your chance at getting her to say “yes” to a first date.

Totally useless fact: 1 in every 4 Americans has appeared someway or another on television.


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Here are some other tips to keep in mind so youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re never benched again: 1) Donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t assume every woman will want to date you because youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re nice. Sometimes theyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re just not attracted, like someone not being attracted to Brad Pitt or Emma Stone. It happens! You donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t want a woman who isnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t drooling over you anyway, big guy. 2) Donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t assume your intentions have been noticed. Women freak out about interpreting subtle gestures just as much as men do, so donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t think your door-holding skills are going to get you laid.

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3) Donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t assume the antidote to being nice is to be an asshole. There are a lot of guys who have been dicks in the name of being â&#x20AC;&#x153;interesting,â&#x20AC;? and all thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s gotten them is their number being deleted. 4) Donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t assume the backhanded compliments pick-up artists suggest will get you a girlfriend. Those techniques are for bars, not for manipulating women you actually like. 5) Donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t assume youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re going to scare her off! Part of the reason men hide their quirks is because theyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re afraid itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll freak out the woman of their dreams. Hereâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s a little insight: Sheâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s not the woman of your dreams if she doesnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t love your quirks. Let the freak flag fly!

Totally useless fact: Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.

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crafty insults

Way to Go!

Telling someone they’ve screwed up can be hard, especially when the person in error is coming off as a major douche. For all those times you need a more delicate way of pointing out to someone that he or she is wrong and being obtuse about it, CT gives you The

Way to go Douche Award 54

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This handy blue ribbon can serve as a subtle way to point out your friends’ and your enemies’ failures, without even having to raise your voice.

Directions out Find tape and/ ribbon. 2. or paper clip. 1. Cut Tape/Clip ribbon to person in error a.k.a 3. The Accused Douche. him/her 4. High-five and walk away.

Totally useless fact: The Siberian larch accounts for more than 20 percent of all the world’s trees.


CLEAN UP YOUR ROOM!

How to Get By Anita Booth

Organized become jammed, cabinets get crammed Generally, when you have space … you fill it. Eventually closets stuff, your stuff owns you! your own longer and empty spaces turn to cluttered messes. You no have, then redefining it. Getting started only involves two steps: Clearing the space you

REDEFINING Now that you’ve cleared the extraneous stuff from your life, it’s time to get organized. Start thinking about redefining your space: overhead and underneath; stacking and shrinking.

Overhead Overhead space is the most unused space in your entire home. Installing wire shelving over each closet’s existing shelf will double your storage! If you have free-hanging kitchen cabinets, use the tops of them to store seldom-used items. Where feasible, add wire shelving, bookshelves, and cabinets near a room’s ceiling. Underneath Use space under beds, desks and tables. These wasted areas can be usefully and attractively filled depending upon individual needs. Storing clothes and shoes in plastic containers under the bed frees up space in your closet. Running a row of plastic drawers or ‘wire cube units’ under hanging clothes gets you organized and adds lots of additional storage. Attractive file cabinets or decorative baskets are excellent fill-ins under desks and tables.

CLEARING Selecting what you need and what you no longer need is the first step. It’s difficult, often painful, to let go of things , but you absolutely have to undergo this initial step. To make this task easier, keep asking yourself as you’re clearing out your items … do I really need to keep this? Closets Begin with your closets – usually the worst culprits. Sort through all your clothing keeping the “20/80 Rule” in mind: you only wear 20 percent of your clothing 80 percent of the time. Typically, laundered and dry-cleaned items are returned to their same place in the closet then re-worn first – before and ahead of other, less frequently worn clothing. Honestly assess your wardrobe and rid yourself of clothing you perpetually push aside or shun. Employ the “Two Year Rule.” Simply put, this means discard everything you haven’t worn in two years. This can be a difficult task but a very effective one.

Stacking Vertically stackable plastic storage drawers can be installed virtually anywhere. Fill wasted space with these groupings which come in all shapes, colors and sizes. Some interlock enabling you to tuck them in, here or there, and adapt them to your needs.

The Bathroom Is Next Perfumes, colognes, shampoos, conditioners, lotions, creams, masques, make-up – how many of these products do you no longer use or need? Perfume and cologne can change scent, hair-care products thicken or clog in their containers, and make-up has a short shelf life. Discard what you no longer need. Into the Kitchen This room is the easiest. Check code dates on all canned, bottled and packaged goods. Toss everything that’s out of code – it’s that simple! Cabinets under the sink are perpetual catch-alls. If you have too many cleaning products keep those that perform best, get rid of those that don’t. Throw away anything that’s leaking or near empty. Sort through the remaining cabinets. Discard offbeat, mis-matched, or seldom-used dinnerware and glasses. Absolutely dispose of anything that’s cracked or chipped.

Totally useless fact: The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen’s ‘Born in the USA’

Assemble your own ‘wire cube units’ into a variety of square, geometric shapes–go as high, wide or asymmetrical as you desire. These units are great in any room and serve a variety of purposes. They’re great, instant book shelves. Stack-and-store units for bathrooms and kitchen cabinets, drawers and counter tops are innumerable. Peruse houseware aisles for articles that best relate to your individual needs; the choices are practically endless. Shrinking Vacuum-sealed storage bags … what a find! These airtight, watertight, reusable bags live up to their claims and will triple your storage space! Compress bulky items such as blankets, pillows, bedding, clothing, etc., to one-third their original size, thereby acquiring three times the amount of storage. The devices and items mentioned above are just a start for getting you organized. They’re available online or at any home improvement or department store. With a little effort and some blocked-out time you’ll find it really is easy to get organized! campus talk

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WORSE THAN HATE!

! e t a h u o y people

ck

ba sunglasses on of head…

parents on facebook

e! cinema applaus

!

thumb ring …

e er in fridg empty filt

snow and s horts!

ing… tribal peirc 56

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the walking billb oard!

starbucks writer !

s sandals & sock

Totally useless fact: Tom Sawyer was the first novel written on a typewriter.


the goods Slingshot by Blueflame Carry big sound with you anywhere you go! This waterresistant, bluetooth speaker is compact and perfect for hanging from your showerhead or lounging surfside. This speaker can sync with devices up to 33 feet away and allows for hands-free and sand-free phone calls. $99.99–$119.99 blueflamegear.com

Edward Marc Chocolatier

TouchTone id America

This colorful line of bluetooth speakers deliver rich sound in a small, stylish package. Featuring intuitive touch control and a built-in mic for hands-free calls, this speaker makes entertainment portable. The TouchTone offers 4 hours of battery life and up to 33 feet of wireless range to control music from anywhere. Available in Black, Mint, Gray, Orange, Red, Green, Pink and White. $79.95 idamericany.com

There’s chocolate, and then there’s Edward Marc Chocolatier! Treat your tastebuds to a Holiday vacation with the finest ingredients and handcrafted quality cocoa from West Africa and Indonesia, vanilla beans and spices from the South Pacific, coconut from the Caribbean Tropics and cream from America’s heartland. Try the Christmas Oreos cookies dipped in signature chocolate or the Gingerbread Cookies baked fresh and coated in smooth milk chocolate.

Festive Prices vary Edwardmarc.com

gift guide By Amy Smith

Phiaton Bridge M5 500 Headphones Stylish, new headphones featuring genuine perforated leather with machined aluminum and a dual-chamber structure providing richer detail and clearer, more powerful bass. Includes two tangle-free, cloth wrapped cables, one with an in-line microphone for phone calls. “Multi-Tune Acoustic Design” combines the excellent bass response of closed ear headphones with the crystal clear high-frequency response of open-style earphones. The Phiaton Bridge’s easy foldable structure and design allow for convenient transportation. $299 Available at Amazon, BestBuy, NewEgg and Phiaton.com 58

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LuLu’s Bead Reputation Dark Green Shift Dress and Just a Twirl Red Dress

Nothing says happy holidays like deep reds and shimmering greens. Give the gift of fashion when you buy festive dresses from LuLus.com. This dark green shift dress demands attention with slightly-sheer long sleeves descended into elegant beaded cuffs that boast black, gunmetal and bronze beads. Twirl your heart out with the Just a Twirl red dress as it hugs your curves down a fitted bodice and half sleeves with a rounded neckline and unique seam details. Both perfect for holiday parties or special dates, these dresses are sure to make a statement. $59 and $49 Lulus.com

Totally useless fact: If Texas were a country, its GNP would be the fifth largest of any country in the world.


the goods Candy Crystal Teal Green Ring and Had an Ice Time Beige Wrap Around Watch

Accessorize the evening with this statement ring and chic wraparound watch. Draw some attention to those freshly painted nails with teal-green color, sparkling rhinestone gracefully atop a gold wire setting. Top off your outfit with a round golden watch face, trimmed in diamond-like rhinestones and attached to a beige bonded leather strap with a few shiny gold studs. The watch wraps twice around your wrist, looping through a chunky section of chain and securing with any of the three snap adjustments. $12 and $24 Lulus.com Lush Santa Baby Lip Tint A classic red, this tint is a colorful moisture boost for the lips. It’s loaded with Fair Trade butters and nourishing carrot oil to care for the lips. The scrub leaves the nicest cherry color behind on lips while the tint is the perfect party-time red. Cherry and date extracts give a sweet hint of festive flavor, while ground cinnamon plumps up your pout.

Lush Santa’s Lip Scrub This sugary lip scrub gently exfoliates dry skin from the lips, while the extra virgin coconut oil moisturizes, leaving them soft, conditioned and ready for kissing! The sweet taste of fizzy cola makes for delicious smooches under the mistletoe. Scrub lips before applying color for a flawless pout. $8.95 LUSHUSA.com

Klingg Earphone Magnet

Stop fumbling with headphones with this magnetic earphone cord holder as it solves the age-old problem of earphone cables getting in the way. This exceptionally powerful magnet keeps the device on your clothing and is available in 8 color combinations. When headphone are not in use, they can even be magnetized to the sides of the device.

Star Wars Chewbacca Mimobot USB Flash Memory Drive

May the force be with you when you use these limited edition Star Wars flash drives each individually hand numbered, based on the scene in the Empire Strikes Back where Chewbacca carries a dismantled C3PO. Preloaded with MimoDesk® suite of wallpapers, icons, avatars, exclusive MimoByte® sound software unique to each character, and story boards and digital clips from the Star Wars movies. Available from 8GB up to 128GB capacities & USB3.0 speeds for lightning quick data transfer

$19.95 klingg.com

Come out on Top Dark Green Handbag

Dress up any outfit with this supple dark green vegan leather handbag. Made with structured exterior, with a strap that snaps in front while displaying a decorative gold lock. Exterior pockets front and back. Unzip the top to reveal a spacious lined interior with three additional pockets. $39 Lulus.com

$19.95 mimoco.com Totally useless fact: The Human eyes never grow, but nose and ears never stop growing.

$8.95 LUSHUSA.com

Lush Star Light Star Bright

A shimmering bright star for a special bath filled with light and sparkle. Crush this bath melt under running water and watch the moisturizing cocoa and shea butter melt to create a soft, creamy bath, as a trail of silver luster spreads across the turquoise-colored water. Star Light Star Bright is scented with refreshing ginger and cherry lime oil to give you an extra spark during dreary winter months. $6.95 LUSHUSA.com Emitations Jewelry Vintage Style Mint Green Jade Earrings Mint is so the new green! Stay up to fashion with these chic vintage statement earrings.These elegant and incredibly charming earrings are genuine jade. The gold finish has a brushed look to it that is sophisticated and pairs with the intricate design beautifully. From there, an oval, mint green-jade stone hangs. $39.99 thealchemyshop.com campus talk

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hahahaha

-

7).'34/0#/

Remember to

send all jokes funny@mycampus talk.com and you could win a Campus Talk t-shirt.

What do vibrators and soybeans have in common? They are both great substitutes!

Marriage is a three-ring circus: an engagement ring, a wedding ring and suffering.

SAUCED AND TOSSED IN YOUR CHOICE OF 10 DELICIOUS WING FLAVORS! WINGSTOP IS THE ULTIMATE CHOICE FOR YOUR GAME WATCHING AND TAILGATE PARTIES! TM

THE WING EXPERTS

#!,,!(%!$s 374(!6%.5% '!).%36),,%&,

-),%7%34/&374(342%%4/.374(!6%.5% 60

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Q. Why are guys faster than girls? A. They have a stick shift and ball bearings.

Two blondes are walking down the street. One reaches into her pocketbook for a make-up compact and looks into the mirror.  â&#x20AC;&#x153;This picture looks like someone I know,â&#x20AC;? she says.  The other one has a look and says, â&#x20AC;&#x153;Of course, dummy, itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s ME!â&#x20AC;?

Q. What does Bill Clinton and a country folk dancer have in common? A. They both throw a ho down. Q. What is forty feet long and has eight teeth? A. The front row at a Willie Nelson concert. Q. What has four legs and no ears? A. Mike Tysonâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s dog. Q: What did the hitman tell his protĂŠgĂŠ? A: Aim for the starsâ&#x20AC;Ś but first aim for their bodyguards!

A redheaded mom walks into her daughterâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s room, finds a beer bottle and says, â&#x20AC;&#x153;I never knew my daughter drank!â&#x20AC;? A brunette walks into her daughterâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s room, finds a pack of cigarettes and says, â&#x20AC;&#x153;I never knew my daughter smoked!â&#x20AC;? A blonde mom walks into her daughterâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s room and finds a condom. She says, â&#x20AC;&#x153;I never knew my daughter had a penis!â&#x20AC;?

Totally useless fact: There are 1 million ants for every human in the world.


charted

times i want to turn ofF autoplay on a webpage only a couple of tabs open

WTF, i donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t have any windows open!

several dozen tabs open, and using 5 or 6 different windows

when i hear autoplay music on a webpage where the hell is the pause button?

wow, this is song is so cool, i should download it!

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Totally useless fact: Coca-Cola was originally green.


charted

lyrics to reggae music relax mon

any other lyrics

Changing Futures. One Person At A Time Donate Plasma and Save a Life Today

don’t worry everything is gonna be alright

times UPS delivers a package

Please help us help those coping with rare, chronic, genetic diseases. New donors can receive $100 this week! Ask about our Specialty Programs! Must be 18 years or older, have valid I.D.

when i’m not here

along with proof of SS# and local residency. Walk-ins Welcome. when I’m in the shower

NOW OPEN 7 DAYS A WEEK! Book your appointment online at Biotestplasma.com today!

when I’m pooping

Biotest Plasma Center 1112 N. Main Street Gainesville, FL 32601

biotest when I can sign for it

352-378-9431 www.biotestplasma.com

Totally useless fact: Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better. 004-Campus-Tallk-3.8583x10.0394.indd

1

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spotted!

The Secret Life of Walter Mitt

y

Spot The Differences

64

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december 2013

Ben Stiller, Kristen Wiig, Adam Scott

Totally useless fact: Length of beard an average man would grow if he never shaved 27.5 feet


Totally useless fact: Hong Kong holds the most Rolls Royceâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s per capita.

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1) Green sack (top left) is now blue, 2) Stiller's scarf is now red, 3) Stiller now has glasses, 4) Stiller's thumbs are missing, 5) Guy in back has beads around neck missing, 6) stick holding the back sacks is missing, 7) walking cane is missing, 8) from left guy jacket is different color, 9) stiller's buttons are missing.

LIST

CHECK

spotted!


game on!

Sore Thumbs By Daniel Sutphin

Halo: Spartan Assault Xbox 360, Xbox One, WinPhone, PC December 2013 With intuitive controls, online Co-op multiplayer, and over 30 stimulating missions, this third-person shooter is designed to provide an accessible, pick-up-and-play experience for long-time fans and newcomers. The story picks up between the events of Halo 3 and 4. Play through the eyes of either Commander Sarah Palmer or Spartan Davis, and embark on the first missions of the Spartan Ops program and dives deeper into the backstory of HumanCovenant wars. While stationed on the UNSC Infinity, players can fight in never-before-seen battles against Covenant forces. 66

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Gran Turismo 6 PS3 December 6 The classic racing game brings new levels of authenticity to the Real Driving Simulator. With new tracks and cars, as well as a revised user interface, Gran Turismo lets players choose from 1,200 cars at launch and more to come as DLC, 33 locations, 71 different layouts available and more, GT6 is the most exciting game in the series yet. A new compact game engine improves operation and increases flexibility to expand it with downloadable content. The game also expands connectivity with other devices such as smart phones and tablets, and increased social and community functions.

Star Wars: The Old Republic â&#x20AC;&#x201C; Galactic Starfighter PC December 3 The role playing game is a player versus player combat expansion to the Star Wars: The Old Republic MMO universe. The add-on takes players to the skies with 12-on-12 space battles. Galactic Starfighter gives players a chance to become a legendary Starfighter pilot and features an array of unique starships, customization and upgrade options, multiple battle zones and gameplay modes.

Ys: Memories of Celceta Vita November 26 Memories of Celceta serves as a psuedo-sequel to Ys IV, which was never released in the US. With more enemies on screen than ever before, the Action RPG features a non-linear overworld, fast-paced game play and stunning graphics. Play as protagonist Adol Christin, who finds himself alone, dazed and confused in a strange land. Players must piece together his memories of how he got there and why, while also discerning just who can be trusted.

Rainbow Moon Vita, PS3 December 3 A StrategyRPG, gamers play as Baldren who finds himself warped to Rainbow Moon and cursed by his long-time enemy. His warp opens a dimensional gate, which is freeing teams of monsters, turning the peaceful planet into an all-out war zone. Baldren must seal the gate and warp himself back to his home planet. The residents arenâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t going to be much help though, as they react suspiciously and angrily toward him.

Totally useless fact: Over 60% of all those who marry get divorced.


From our family to yours,

Happy Holidays!

HAPPY HOUR 2-7PM THURS-MON & ALL DAY TUES & WED

3700 W UNIVERSITY AVE. GAINESVILLE, 352-373-0059, BALLYHOOGRILL.COM

Totally useless fact: 400-quarter pounders can be made from 1 cow.

WATCH YOUR FAVORITE NFL TEAM IN HI-DEF ON ONE OF OUR 15, NEW BIG SCREEN TVS campus talk

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Music Reviews

By Daniel Sutphin

Tune In Turn On Plug In

Cults Static Cults second album “Static” hammers in strong with, “I Can Hardly Make You Mine,” combining a new age feel with walls of guitar, organ and under-produced, well-layered vocals, all with a retro fuzz reminiscent of early ‘60s British Rock groups such as The Zombies and the Animals. The band’s minor feel stays consistent throughout the album, pushed forward, however, by a driving upbeat demeanor. Standouts include: “High Road,” and “Were Before.” 68

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St. Lucia When the Night Break out your glow sticks and high-waist pants; Brooklyn-based electro-pop group St. Lucia, much like Capital Cities, brings that retro feel of ‘80s synth pop to deliver their own blend of this age-old, polished sound. This hooks are catchy, as well as their melodies – vocally and musically. Where all of these qualities are good in a band, don’t expect them to stray much from it. There aren’t many surprises on “When the Night,” but St. Lucia does it well and the album rarely slows down. Standouts include: “All Eyes On You,”“Elevate,” and the almost 7-minute-long “Too Close.”

Kodaline In A Perfect World Reminiscent of the more low-key, pop rock of bands like Coldplay and Snow Patrol, Kodaline’s strongest trait is the vocals. Often resembling that of the late Jeff Buckley, singer Steve Garrigan drives the music with raw, well-delivered vocals and strong lyrics. The Dublin-based group’s first full length studio album, “In A Perfect World” flows well from start to finish. Its only drawback is also its greatest strength, in that it will stand best as mood music for a relaxing afternoon or an evening drive. Standouts include singles “High Hopes” and “Love Like This,” as well as “One Day” and “All I Want.”

12 Years a Slave (Original Motion Picture Soundtrack) The original motion picture soundtrack combines eclectic takes on traditional, roots music, including two selections of scores from composer Hans Zimmer. The album brings together a diverse group of artists like Alicia Keys, Alabama Shakes, Chris Cornell and Gary Clark, Jr. Curated by John Legend, the soundtrack is strong from start to finish, audibly embodying the struggles depicted in the film. Standouts include: “Driva Man” by Alabama Shakes, “Misery Chain” by Chris Cornell feat. Joy Williams, and “Freight Train” with Gary Clark, Jr., “Queen of the Field (Patsey’s Song)” by Alicia Keys. Hans Zimmer’s “Solomon” is hauntingly beautiful, as well as inspiring. This contribution and “Washington” round out the album in mood and feeling, putting you right there in the theater.

Totally useless fact: A full-loaded supertanker traveling at normal speed takes at least 20 minutes to stop.


one liners!

p u k c Pi s e n i L

ie” How much does a w o “ n a e I hav polar bear weigh? l l i W . p i l [How much?] on my d n a t you kiss i r? Enough to break the ette ice... Hi, I’m (insert b t i e k a m name here). You look l ike my t th x e n e m i t ird wife. [H T h is ow m e a b n ’s y times have year let you been m g arried?] n i h lau g Twice. to gether.

You look so fine I could r u o y o be t t n a can drink your Iw I o s p teardro in your ba th water! n be bor ve on li eyes, eeks and h your c our lips. y die on

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Totally useless fact: Average number of days a West German goes without washing his underwear: 7

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Totally useless fact: Average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000.


Totally useless fact: Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

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Totally useless fact: Iceland consumes more Coca-Cola per capita than any other nation.

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Totally useless fact: The average person spends about two years on the phone in a lifetime.


Totally useless fact: Bees have 5 eyes. There are 3 small eyes on the top of a beeâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s head and 2 larger ones in front.

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Totally useless fact: The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

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Totally useless fact: â&#x20AC;&#x153;I am.â&#x20AC;? is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.


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Totally useless fact: The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds.

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hahahaha

A photographer was hired to take pictures at a lawyersâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; convention. When he lined up his subjects, he got them to look their best by shouting, â&#x20AC;&#x153;Okay, everyone say, â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;Fees!â&#x20AC;&#x2122;

Remember to

send all jokes funny@mycampus talk.com and you could win a Campus Talk t-shirt.

Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious-looking bear. The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers and started putting them on. The second lawyer looked at him and said, â&#x20AC;&#x153;Youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re crazy! Youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll never be able to outrun that bear!â&#x20AC;? â&#x20AC;&#x153;I donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t have to,â&#x20AC;? the first lawyer replied. â&#x20AC;&#x153;I only have to outrun you.â&#x20AC;?

A gang of robbers broke into a lawyerâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to escape. â&#x20AC;&#x153;It ainâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t so bad,â&#x20AC;? one crook noted. â&#x20AC;&#x153;We got $25 between us.â&#x20AC;? The boss screamed, â&#x20AC;&#x153;I warned you to stay clear of lawyersâ&#x20AC;Ś we had $100 when we broke in!â&#x20AC;?

An old man was wondering if his wife had a hearing problem. So one night, he stood behind her while she was sitting in her chair. He spoke softly to her, â&#x20AC;&#x153;Honey, can you hear me?â&#x20AC;? There was no response. He moved a little closer and said again, â&#x20AC;&#x153;Honey, can you hear me?â&#x20AC;? Still, there was no response. Finally, he moved right behind her and said, â&#x20AC;&#x153;Honey, can you hear me?â&#x20AC;? She replied loundly, â&#x20AC;&#x153;For the third time, yes!â&#x20AC;?

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Totally useless fact: The sperm of a mouse is actually longer than the sperm of an elephant.


Face of the family McKenzie Westmore is carrying on the family name. This third generation makeup-industry mogul is back to host the 5th season of SyFy’s hit unscripted reality competition series “Face Off.” Westmore talks about her experience hosting the show, discusses her background in health and fitness and gives busy students some much-needed winter beauty advice. For people who aren’t familiar, can you tell me a little about “Face Off?” Face Off is a competition reality show about special effects makeup. We are searching for the next great name in makeup and special effects makeup. We want to find someone who is very well-rounded in the industry who can show us their talent and prove to us why they should be crowned the winner, receive $100,000 and win a new car. There’s a little twist in this season; it’s the veterans versus the newcomers. What’s your favorite part about hosting the show? I love that I get to bring my family’s name back to the forefront. Aside from that, I just feel so lucky and incredibly blessed that I get to see this incredible artistry every day. I love watching the whole process of sketches, watching what they create and all their work from start to finish. It’s so awesome to see the whole thing transform right before my eyes.

Face Interview By Sarah G. Mason

Off

What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever seen done on the show? There’s something coming up in season five – I don’t want to give too much away – but in the second to last episode I got to experience something that was just so much fun. I’m going to leave it at that; the viewers will just have to tune in! You have a background in health, fitness and beauty, and now you have a beauty blog; tell me a little about what inspired that. I’ve always loved the world of health and fitness. I got so many emails and letters from women asking, “How do you stay healthy and in shape while you’ve got crazy hours on your soap opera?” I was doing eight episodes a week, plus I had a child, so there was no room to breathe [laughs]. So how did I do it? I wanted to be able to answer these women’s questions with real knowledge of my own – I didn’t want to just

Totally useless fact: In medieval France, unfaithful wives were made to chase a chicken through town naked.

quote advice out of a magazine. I trained with a holistic doctor, studied vitamin therapy, learned about how we can change our bodies through vitamins, food and nutrition, learned about brain chemicals and discovered that to be beautiful we should work from the inside out. All of this inspired me to start a beauty blog. For students who don’t have a lot of money to spend on cosmetics or haircuts, can you think of one inexpensive beauty tip that will make them feel great? Something that I’ve found to be amazing is tinted moisturizer. If you’re running out the door and really want to feel good, no matter if your hair is pulled back in a ponytail, tinted moisturizer does so much in one fell swoop. For me, I know when I’m running around town doing errands, it makes me feel good about myself and doesn’t take any time. You have a blog post called “Inside Out, then Outside In” about keeping your skin beautiful during fall and winter – can you give us some quick tips? As we’re coming into fall here in Los Angeles, it’s getting very dry. No matter whether you live on the east coast or west coast, that dryness is a big factor for a lot of people. I always say that anything that is more natural or that you can grab in your kitchen is the best. Inside out, the best way to keep your skin from drying out is to drink lots of water and make sure you’re getting adequate amounts of good oils like olive oil and avocado. From the outside, I’ve started using safflower oil as a moisturizer; it’s been the best thing. Olive oil can have a tendency to clog pores, but safflower oil doesn’t and you only need a little bit. Check out Face Off Tuesday nights at 9 on SyFy. Follow McKenzieWestmor (omit the “e”) on Twitter .

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snugnote.com

Keeping your

online life

private from Mom and Dad After a few months of college, most students realize that even though they’re no longer home, their parents often still try to keep tabs on them. And with a larger technology footprint that makes cyber-stalking easier than ever before, it’s not just the NSA watching your Facebook wall. What do you do if you recognize that you’d like some privacy – while still understanding that your parents just want to know that you’re safe at the dorms?

Here are the top ways to keep your parents out of your digital private life: Social Privacy Settings On Facebook, it’s easy to hide certain posts from friends. The best way is to tag your parents or other family members as “Acquaintances”, and set your default post visibility to “Friends except Acquaintances.” On more public networks like Twitter or Instagram, you’ll need to make your account private, and limit access. If any of your accounts are public, assume your parents (and future employers) will be able to find your posts. Hacker Parents? Some tech-savvy parents consider installing tracking software or accessing their kids’ online accounts “just to make sure.” Both you and your parents should know that once you’re 18, this counts as a federal crime. If the illegality doesn’t keep them from trying, use strong passwords and don’t log in to your accounts from anyone else’s computer and you should be fine. 82

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GPS Tracking A few extra-paranoid parents require their kids to use GPS software on phones, especially if the parent pays for the phone bill. There are two ways for the GPS to work: Software on the phone and a network-based solution. If it’s on the phone, you can disable it on the iPhone, or trick it on Android (in developer settings, you can set your location to anywhere in the world). For network solutions, you’d have to leave your phone at home and use call forwarding to avoid detection. What if they insist? What happens if your parents insist on friending them on Facebook, giving them access to Instagram, etc? Well you have two options. First, you can always manage two accounts. Use one that is boring and family-friendly for your parents, and a new account for college antics and friends. The best way is to retire your old account as the “family friendly” one and start a new one for college. And keep in mind your parents can also create new accounts – so if you get a request from a hot girl or guy you don’t know, it might just be a sly parent. Of course, there's also option two ...

Give peace-of-mind, on your terms Often the desire for parents to stalk their kids comes from a loss of control and feeling like they can no longer protect you from the world. You can use a service like SnugNote (www. snugnote.com) to let them know you’re all right, without giving them details. With SnugNote, you’ll get a reminder on your phone to check in when you arrive home safe for the night (it takes five seconds), and in the morning, it sends your parents an email that you got to bed fine. But it never tells them when you got in, or what you were up to. For many parents, this is enough to get off your back and leave the rest of your digital life behind closed doors.

I created SnugNote because of a need I saw in college myself: In college and the years following, I realized that just because I was out of the house, my parents didn’t stop wanting to have the reassurance I was safe and happy. But I didn’t want to have to sacrifice my autonomy or privacy. I thought there could be an ideal middle ground. And so, SnugNote was born. www.snugnote.com

Totally useless fact: The Black Widow spider eats her mate during or after sex.


Living for laughs

Syd

Touted as the new “Chelsea Handler,” comedian Syd Wilder has been making waves in the comedy scene with her hilarious parody video “How to Take a Slutty Selfie” and performances at The Flapper’s Club, not to mention her breakout role opposite Seth Rogan, James Franco and Jonah Hill in “This Is The End.”

Wilder Interview by Daniel Sutphin

With stand-up performances at the Comedy Store, roles in cheeky Sci-fi movies like “Pirahnaconda,” as well as a new film in the works called, “Mining for Ruby,” Wilder is beginning to make a major mark in Hollywood. CT caught up with the comedian to discuss her new film and comedic career, her dreams for the future and her time on set filming “This Is The End.” Tell me something about “Mining for Ruby.” It was shot in Fairbanks, Alaska, which is also known as the armpit of Alaska. The summer solstice was out while we were shooting. There was an insane amount of bugs there! In between shoots, I was afraid I was going to die from being attacked by bugs. But it was so much fun; the director’s one of my friends and she’s pregnant, so she’s literally waddling around at 8 months. Mischa Barton’s in it, Jos (Jonathan Bennett) is in it from “Mean Girls” and he’s fabulous. We got to celebrate his birthday on set too and that was a lot of fun. There’s a lot of alcohol in that town! [laughs] For it being a drama, was that more of a challenge for you as opposed to a comedy? No, it was perfect timing actually because I was going through a breakup during that film, so I was like, “Yes! I can use this!” It really worked out well for me. Do you use a lot of real life experiences in your work? Absolutely, you use everything. When I think I shouldn’t play something or base something off of a personal situation, I know that I have to then.

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Totally useless fact: Napoleon’s penis was sold to an American Urologist for $40,000.


Living for laughs The material for your comedy shows, does that translate into your acting? Or do you consider them two separate entities? The more I do stand up, the more I consider it separate entities. And sitcom, in my opinion, when you’re doing a situational comedy it’s very technical, but when you’re doing stand up you’re talking directly to the audience. You want to hit your punch line, but you’re going to get into the joke in a completely different way, so for me they’re definitely different things, but you draw from the same places and same emotions. What was the first film you worked on? So I was in Atlanta, and I went to this audition with my sister because I didn’t know if I wanted to act yet or not. I went in with her, and she left because she was nervous. I did the audition for her and I ended up getting the part. I’m pretty sure I got it because I have a pretty good ass, but I’m also really good at improv so it was probably a combination of the two. I was on set, and it was for Comcast about AIDS or something … I don’t know, it was really ridiculous. So tell me about starring in “Piranhacanda.” Oh God! I have to tell people I’m being serious that I did that movie; most people think that it’s just a joke when I tell them about it.

What was James Franco like? I didn’t meet him! I had a scene with Seth, and Michael Cera was in it, as well as Craig Robinson from “The Office.” He [Robinson] has impeccable timing, and he’s such a sweetheart. He’s like a little perverted teddybear. Were you able to get any tips, or any lessons you learned? Not comedically, but like I said, everyone’s human and is going to mess up a line, so it was cool to see that on set. You can take yourself seriously, but when you’re on set, you’re only human. Evenutally I’d like to director, which will be when I’m all old and wrinkly and don’t want to be on camera any more – because you know, women have a certain expiration date in this town. Are there any funny stories you have from the set of “This Is The End?” Not funny, but a sweet one. I went to acting school with Kevin from the Backstreet Boys, and he was in the film with us. They worked really hard doing the dance numbers over and over again. When we broke for dinner, one of the extras knocked him over and knocked his food on everything, but he was so cool about it like, “It’s okay, man. It’s okay man.” You think he’d be flipping out because we were starving, but he’s such a sweetheart and everyone was so professional.

You already mentioned directing. What other goals do you have for your career? I would like to have a special for my stand up on Comedy Central, and I’d love to have my own show like Amy Schumer. She’s one of my biggest role models right now for my career. I love how Whitney [Cummings] had her show, and I would never talk shit about her, but it just wasn’t on my beat. Do you plan on doing a comedy tour at all? When I first started doing comedy, I always said I never wanted to tour, but now I’m more open to it. If I bomb or if I kill now, it’s like I have better things going on right now so I don’t really care. It’s good to see, though, how other audiences react to it though because right now I’m so “L.A.”, with the implants, and the guys out here, and dating. It would be interesting to see what Middle America thinks about that. I would be interested in touring a bit and see, but I wouldn’t do it for the money cause it’s sh*t. I’d do it just to see the reaction I’d get.

We did a piece on the the worst sci-fi movies, such as “Sharknado.” “Piranhaconda” was one that popped up on our list. Do you have an interest in films like “Pirahnaconda,” especially since the viral popularity of “Sharknado?” Of course! People love bad, B-movies. Especially when the washed-up stars from the 80s and 90s are in them. Even with Tara Reid, you know? I hope they continue to make them – they make them for shit; they make them for no money whatsoever. I was on set, I got paid hardly anything for that film, and there was not even a trailer for it; the director’s fly was open the whole time. I could see his ass crack while he was giving direction. It was a nightmare, is was not fun [laughs]. What was it like working with the cast and crew of “This Is The End?” For example, Seth Rogan? Seth Rogan is such a pro, it was awesome to watch him work because he’s also directing and producing the film, so he had a lot of jobs. He also co-wrote it, and just to see him go in the scene – he’s human and he f*cks up a line, and he goes back and looks at it, and then he improvises it the next time or does the take how he’s supposed to do it. I had a scene with him, and it got cut. It’s so annoying because everyone knows me from “This Is The End,” though I wasn’t in it that much. Totally useless fact: Eating the heart of a male Partridge was the cure for impotence in ancient Babylon.

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WHO STASHED THE CANDY?

flicks By daniel sutphin

Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues WHAT: Comedy WHO: Will Ferrell, Paul Rudd,

Steve Carell, David Koechner, Christina Applegate, Kristen Wiig, Harrison Ford WHEN: December 20 Will Ferrell returns as Rob Burgundy in the much anticipated “Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues.” With the 70’s behind him, San Diego’s top rated newsman returns to his news desk with his team intact and ready to do what they do best: Report the news. This time around, however, the team must come to grips with changing times as they join the nation’s first 24-hour news channel.

e Scan th

e coed e the

to s trailer!

American Hustle WHAT: Crime/Drama WHO: Christian Bale, Amy Adams,

Bradley Cooper, Jeremy Renner, Jennifer Lawrence WHEN: December 18 From the director of “SilverLinings Playbook”, con-man Irving Rosenfeld (Bale) and his British partner Sydney Prosser (Adams) are forced to work for FBI agent Richie DiMaso (Cooper). The FBI agent pushes the two con-artists into a world of Jersey powerbrokers and mafia that, although is enticing, also operates with great risk. Carmine Polito (Renner), a New Jersey political operator gets caught between the con-artists and Feds, while Irving’s unpredictable wife Rosalyn (Lawrence), could bring their entire scandalous world crashing down. campus talk

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Inside Llewyn Davis WHAT: Drama/Music WHO: Oscar Isaac, Carey Mulligan,

The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug WHAT: Adventure/Drama/Fantasy WHO: Martin Freeman, Ian

McKellen, Richard Armitage WHEN: December 13 The latest addition to the Hobbit series finds the Dwarves, Bilbo and Gandalf having successfully escaped the Misty Mountains. Bilbo has obtained the One Ring, as they continue their journey to get their gold back from the Dragon, Smaug.

John Goodman WHEN: December 20 The Coen Brothers return with “Inside Llewyn Davis,” following a week in the life of a young folk singer as he navigates the Greenwich Village folk scene of 1961. Solely focused on his music, the struggling guitarist battles the freezing New York winter, a pregnant girlfriend and the seemingly insurmountable odds and doubt faced by endeavoring artists in the pursuit of success.

Out of the Furnace WHAT: Drama/Thriller WHO: Christian Bale, Casey Affleck,

Zoe Saldana, Woody Harrelson WHEN: December 6 Having grown up in the economically-depressed Rust Belt, Russell and his younger brother Rodney always dreamed of escape. When a cruel twist of fate lands Russell in prison, Rodney is lured into one of the most violent crime rings in the Northeast. Upon release, Russell faces the challenging dilemma of risking his newfound freedom to seek justice for his misguided brother.

Totally useless fact: A bull can inseminate 300 cows from one single ejaculation.


rent me! Elysium WHAT: Action/Drama/Sci-Fi WHO: Matt Damon,

Jodie Foster, Sharlto Copley

WHEN: December 17

Taking place in the year, 2154, “District 9” director, Neill Blomkamp, tells the story of a world split into two classes of people: the very wealthy who live on a pristine man-made space station called Elysium, and the rest, who live on an overpopulated, ruined Earth. Secretary Rhodes (Foster) is hell-bent on preventing any immigration of people from Earth to Elysium, despite how much the people on Earth try. Always down on his luck, Max (Damon) gets backed into a corner. He agrees to take on a mission that will not only save his life, but will bring equality back to the polarized worlds.

Small

Screen

The Lone Ranger

Fast & Furious 6

WHAT: Action/Adventure/Western WHO: Johnny Depp, Armie

WHAT: Action/Crime/Thriller WHO: Vin Diesel, Paul Walker,

Hammer, William Fichtner, Tom Wilkinson WHEN: December 17 Johnny Depp stars as Native American warrior Tonto in this retelling of an American classic. Tonto recounts untold tales that transformed John Reid, a man of the law, into the legend of justice for which he is known. With director Gore Verbinski (Pirates of the Caribbean) at the helm, the tales provide scenes of big action and adventure with the quirky humor that evolves as the two heroes learn to work together in their fight against greed and corruption.

Drinking Buddies WHAT: Comedy WHO: Olivia Wilde, Jake Johnson,

Anna Kendrick, Ron Livingston WHEN: December 3 Coworkers at a craft brewery, Kate (Wilde) and Luke (Johnson) are friends, but both feel like there could be something more between them. The problem: Kate is with Chris (Livingston) and Luke is with Jill (Kendrick). To make matters worse, Jill is pushing Luke to discuss marriage. After a weekend alone together, the answer to the question of whether or not to marry becomes much more clear.

Wolverine WHAT: Action/Adventure/Fantasy WHO: Hugh Jackman,

Will Yun Lee, Tao Okamoto WHEN: December 3 Taking place in modern-day Japan, Wolverine is vulnerable for the first time and is pushed to his physical and emotional limits as he confronts lethal samurai steel, as well as his inner battle against immortality.

Totally useless fact: When a Hawaiian woman wears a flower over her left ear, it means that she is not available.

Dwayne Johnson WHEN: December 10 The sixth rendition of the Fast & Furious franchise, Dom (Diesel) and Brian (Walker) have scattered since their Rio heist toppled a kingpin’s empire and left the group with millions. Their refuge, however, has lead each of them to feeling incomplete. Hobbs (Johnson) asks Dom to assemble his team in London for the payment of full pardons to stop an organization of lethally skilled mercenary drivers across 12 countries, whose mastermind is aided by the love Dom thought was dead. campus talk

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december 2013


hilarious!

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he’ll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

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“What makes you say that?” he asked, putting on an innocent look. “The pub called. You left your wheelchair there again.”

JOKE

HAHA

Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the

door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, “So, you’ve been out drinking again!!”

Totally useless fact: Odds of being killed by falling out of bed? 1 in 2 million.


Totally useless fact: The â&#x20AC;&#x153;saveâ&#x20AC;? icon on Microsoft Word shows a floppy disk with the shutter on backwards.

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CONGRATULATIONS This award is presented to:

Award 2012

RESOLUTIONIST

I

n recognition of your outstanding ability to ruin a solid New Year’s Eve party. Stagger forth, you far less than infallible being. Squawk away about how you need to turn your life around. It’s not enough to just make something up. No! You must use this generic, overly embellished night to change it all – drunkenly spewing a series of brash, ambiguous affirmations of how ‘next year is gonna be different, you’ll see,’ or how ‘this time, I’m really gonna commit to changing’. Leave no stranger dry from your boozed-soaked proclamations, knowing, all the while, that you will neither remember tomorrow, nor ever commit to such extravagant resolutions. So drink up Resolutionist! For it is New Year’s Eve, and even though it may be long-since passed, you will party like it’s 1999! presented by signed date


SOMETHING FOR YOUR UGLY MUG!

Funny

Drink Coasters

Not that you’re a stickler for neatness – especially judging from the heaping pile of semester-old pizza boxes in the corner of your kitchen – but sometimes you get irritated when your dumbass friends throw their bottles all over your glass table, leaving more smudges and streaks than your shirt after all-you-can-eat ribs night at the local barbecue joint. Don’t worry, CT’s got you covered… again. These handy (and hilarious) coasters should help keep your inner-Martha Stewart in check for a little while.

Q: How do you know if a female bartender is pissed off at you?

A: There is a string hanging out of your Bloody Mary.

DRUNK-O-METER When the chick’s hot, you’ve had enough to drink!

Warning Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

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december 2013

Totally useless fact: The only nation whose name begins with an “A”, but doesn’t end in an “A” is Afghanistan.


SOMETHING FOR YOUR UGLY MUG!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This coaster is for ___________â&#x20AC;&#x2122; s beer ONLY!

If you can t read this then the roofie is working

If this bar is a meat market,

you must be the prime rib!

I only drink when I smoke.

Totally useless fact: Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have about ten.

campus talk

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december 2013

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Because after a few more rounds, she wonâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t think youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re so ugly

erserverAnc p e


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Campus Talk December 2013  

Campus Talk is a College Student's Best Friend: Gadgets, Movies, Celebs, Nightlife, Jokes, Tons of Fun!

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