Campus Talk April 2015

www.mycampus talk .com APRIL 2015

CAMPUS TALK IS A COLLEGE STUDENT’S BEST FRIEND

The Path to Penning

International Hits with Roll With It SongwriteR Tyrone Wells

Technique is Everything Learn Without Studying

Pranksters Get in Touch with Your Inner-Internet

Unite!

How to Pull a Fast One on Your Professor

Personality

Disorder Gadgets • Movies • Celebs • Nightlife • Jokes • Tons of funny stuff

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BREAKIN’ IT DOWN!

CONTENTS

GOOD

P12

READING

09 The Real Origins of

the Easter Bunny 12 Fuel for the Creative Fire: An Interview with Tyrone Wells 16 Summer Jobs 17 Terrible Roommates 21 C T’s Tested and Approved Study Tips 30 10 Ways to Prank Your Professor 36 Don’t Take it Personal, but Back the Eff Up: A Guide to Personal Space 44 Freaky Places

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P34 P09

P30

P21

P51

P19

P32

P22

Totally useless fact: A family of 26 could go to the movies in Mexico city for the price of one in Tokyo.

breakin’ it down!

FOR YOUR ENTERTAINMENT 14 19 22 32 33 34 38 40 42 47 49 52 56

adget Mass Index G TigerLady Takes Safety to New Levels Grocery Tags for Greedy Roommates P38 College Textbooks Toxic Waste You Know You’re in College When…

Beauty Reviews Fashion Reviews P42 Gadgets Tune In. Turn On. Plug In. Sore Thumbs Flicks Spot the Difference

P47

P44

P36

P61

P49

Totally useless fact: 10,000 Dutch cows pass through the Amsterdam airport each year.

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WHAT’S on!

HEADER

Editors ‘

LETTER Here’s to Possibility!

As finals come to a close, many of you will be leaping headlong into the real world, starry-eyed and eager to change it; others will be barreling into a summer of sun, parties and beaches, while the rest of you will continue the daily grind of school and work. Regardless of your post-finals pursuit, remember to appreciate the possibilities that come with change and roll with them; if nothing has changed, then just make the most of it and remember that Campus Talk will always be here for some light-hearted relief.

This month CT sits down with singer/ songwriter Tyrone Wells to discuss his career and new single Roll With It. With April Fool’s Day on the mind, we’ve suggested some fun,

safe ways to prank your professors for a solid, end-of-semester laugh. Should you have some greedy roommate issues, we’ve put together some generic notes to get your message across. To help you through the finals grind, we’ve also pooled our collective test-taking experience together to offer some can’t-lose study tips.

It’s easy to get caught up in the mold and stress of life. Just remember that perspective is everything and consider the bigger picture when your personal issues weigh a tad too heavy. The semester is almost over, so buckle in and bear it; escape will be here soon enough!

Daniel Sutphin

Editor-IN-CHIEF Lauren Douglass

CONTENT EDITOR Daniel Sutphin

art director DANIEL TIDBURY

Graphic Design Jane Dominguez Daniel Tidbury

Contributing Writers Marc Douglass Lauren Douglass Daniel Sutphin Kelly Herman Brian Hodges John Scheck Sarah G. Mason Mike Capshaw kirsten neilsen Elizabeth putfark

FASHIon FEATURES Danielle Boudrea

SPeCIAL PROJECTS Jenna Herman

If you have any comments you’d like to share with CT, send them in to mail@mycampustalk.com and you’ll be entered into a drawing to win prizes!!

You may only be entered once, so don’t send us 50 comments thinking you’ll enhance your chances of winning! Employees of Campus Talk magazine, their relatives, their twins from alternate universes and their healthcare providers are prohibited from entering this drawing. Everyone else is eligible to participate… except for pandas. No pandas allowed.

nightlife Paparazzi Jason Frankenfield

Promotions Amanda Liles Karen Jones AnnMarie DeFeo Georgia Summerville

director of advertising Shane Howell shane@whpinc.com

Legal Counsel Gary Edinger

distributed by street teams, inc.

president of operations

MARC DOUGLASS

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Full service design studio providing clients with our best creative talents.

april 2015

Publishing division creating the best in college publications to college students.

Connecting students to student properties clear across the country. Traffic is our middle name.

From pens to ping pong tables, our promotional department can handle all of your logo merchandising needs.

Campus Talk is a humor magazine dedicated to relieving students of the pressures of everyday college life. Among essay exams, crowded classrooms, boring professors and messy roommates, Campus Talk offers a welcome diversion for those students “just trying to get away from it all.”

Different viewpoints may grace our pages but may not all represent the opinions of Campus Talk Magazine or its staff. Campus Talk should not be read by anyone suffering from heart ailments, unfunny syndrome or halitosis. All images depicted are purely coincidental.

Copyright 2009. All rights reserved, What’s Happening Publications, Inc.

Totally useless fact: Approximately every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls their hamstring.

BAD BUNNY! Like the origin of Easter, the origin of the Easter Bunny has roots that go back to preChristian Anglo-Saxon history.

The holiday was originally a pagan celebration to worship the goddess Eastre. The goddess of fertility and springtime, her earthly symbol was the rabbit. Thus, the pre-Christian Anglo-Saxons worshipped the rabbit, believing it to be Eastre’s earthly incarnation.

By James Davis

The REAL

Origins of the Easter

Bunny Totally useless fact: Simplistic passwords contribute to over 80% of all computer password break-ins.

When the Anglo-Saxons were converted to Christianity, the pagan holiday, which occurred around the same time as the Christian memorial of Jesus’ resurrection from the dead, was combined with the Christian celebration and given the name Easter.

Originally, there were some very pagan practices that went along with the Easter celebration. Today, Easter is often commercialized, with all the focus on eggs and the Easter Bunny. Because of this, many churches are starting to refer to it as Resurrection Day. The Easter Bunny is a rabbit-spirit. Long ago, he was called the “Easter Hare;” hares and rabbits have frequent multiple births, so they became a symbol of fertility. The custom of an Easter egg hunt began because children believed that hares laid eggs in the grass. The Romans believed that “all life comes from an egg” and Christians consider eggs to be “the seed of life,” so they are symbolic of the resurrection of Jesus Christ.

Why we dye or color and decorate eggs is not certain. In ancient Egypt, Greece, Rome and Persia, eggs were dyed for spring festivals. In medieval Europe, beautifully decorated eggs were given as gifts.

In truth, the egg is a pagan custom and goes back well beyond the birth of Christ.

It represents female fertility and a hunt for a beautiful, willing partner. The hunting of these eggs is really a quest to find a woman who is able to bear children. Much of Western Orthodox Christianity has its basis in pagan religions because as they wished to spread the faith, they were willing to incorporate as much as they needed to in order to bring in the people. campus talk

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roll with it

Fuel for the Creative Fire An Interview with Tyrone Wells

After the international success of his #1 iTunes Singer/Songwriter album, “Where We Meet,” Tryone Wells is up for everything but slowing down. In addition to the March release of his new album “Roll With It,” the Washington state native is headlining a 32-date national tour that will take him all across the United States over the course of two short months.

While his folk-pop songs have been featured over 50 times in hit television shows including Grey’s Anatomy, The Vampire Diaries and One Tree Hill, he claims that his new album marks a shift in creative focus that he’s more than excited to share.

Interview by Elizabeth Putfark Photo Credit: Ryan Longnecker

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Totally useless fact: The top 3 health-related searches on the Internet are (in this order): Depression, Allergies, & Cancer.

Roll with it Tell me a little about your background and how you came to be a musician.

I come from a musical family. I have four sisters and growing up they all sang and played various instruments. My parents also sang and played. I took piano lessons as a kid for about four weeks and then bowed out for more exciting things like soccer and video games. I wrote my first couple of songs in Junior High. They were probably pretty bad, but the creative process appealed to me immediately. I got more serious about writing at the end of my college years. Then, when I got out of college, I became even more serious as I began to understand how powerful and life changing a song can be (for both the writer and the listener).

What’s been the best moment of your career so far?

I can't name just one. There are many things that I’ve been pleasantly surprised by in my career. Having several of the records I’ve released reach the #1 position on the iTunes Singer/Songwriter chart. Signing a major deal with Universal. Having 50-plus TV/film placements. These are some highlights, but honestly at the core, I’m just so grateful to do something I really love as a job.

spend as much time with family and friends as I’d like to because of touring. To "overcome" that, I attempt to be intentional when I'm home, to spend quality time with the people that I love. It’s very hard to balance, because there are a lot of people that I love and would like to spend more time with.

With so much success and enterprise, it must be hard to stay grounded. Who is in your support system and how do they help you through?

My main support comes from my family and faith in God. I've been married to my wife, Elina, for 9 years. Elina has known me from when my main gig was at a little coffee shop down the street. At our life stage as a family, she's honestly more interested in me changing a diaper or helping clean the dishes than she is with my commercial success. That is definitely grounding, and in a good way.

Speaking of diapers, we have two very young daughters. The oldest, Aria, is almost three years old, and her little sister, Ireland, is only nine weeks old (brand new!). Having children really helps bring great purpose and gravity to life. I desire to be a good father. That means I’m going to try and be responsible and teach

my kids how to live by example.

It’s very grounding.

Also, I believe the voice I have and the success that I've experienced are gifts from God. It's hard to have a huge ego when you have an understanding and belief that absolutely everything in life is really a gift from God. Yes, I've worked hard for the things that I've accomplished, but without the God given talent, and my next breath/heartbeat, I'd be nowhere.

What advice can you give to aspiring musicians?

Accomplishing your musical dreams is largely about hard work and diligence. You have to be able to quiet the negative voices (which will sometimes be your own) and continue on with conviction toward your goals. If you want someone else to believe or support your dream, it is essential that you believe it wholeheartedly yourself. And more than believe, you have to work, work, work at your craft. It's really amazing how so much of whether or not we accomplish a goal or dream hinges on our belief or disbelief and our ability to plug away, even when you can’t see immediate fruit from our work.

Tell me about the new album, “Roll with it.” What can we expect?

I really believe “Roll With It” is going to make people feel great when they hear it. It’s an upbeat record with the exception of a couple songs. Sonically, I am so stoked about how the record has shaped up. It really sounds amazing! I feel great about the songs and production from front to back. My producer, Dustin Burnett did such a great job. I can’t wait for people to hear it.

A lot of my previous records have centered on the acoustic guitar, but “Roll With It” had a wider sphere of fuel for the creative fire. The creative process looked different this time, and I think the record will surprise a lot of people.

Where do you feel more at home – in the studio or out on tour?

I really feel at home in both the studio and out on tour. I’d love to spend more time in the studio, as the creative process is my favorite part of this awesome and very strange music career. But there’s also nothing better than sharing your creations live in front of an audience. I really do love them both.

If you could perform with one band or singer (dead or alive), who would it be and why?

Probably Stevie Wonder...just so I could watch him play and hear him sing. He’s amazing.

What are some of the challenges you’ve faced so far, and how do you overcome them?

One huge challenge is the reality that I can’t Totally useless fact: All US Presidents have worn glasses; some just didn’t like being seen wearing them in public.

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By the numbers

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Totally useless fact: Months that begin on a Sunday will always have a â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;Friday the 13thâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;.

by the numbers

Totally useless fact: Humans are the only primates that donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t have pigment in the palms of their hands.

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COHABITANT HASTLE!

The Noisy Nuisance You’ve got class at 9 a..m. and this

inconsiderate a-hole is still up at 4 a.m. blasting music and bouncing around his room like a cracked-out Energizer bunny. When you’ve got a big test to study for, he’s practicing guitar scales on his 100-watt amp.

You’re in the middle of a phone interview for the job of your life and she’s blow drying her hair at full blast with the door wide open.

Worst of all, when you ask them to turn it down, they tell you to get a pair of earplugs. It’s roomies like these that make you wish Dexter made pit stops on college campuses…

The Messy ‘Mate You’re in college, so let’s be real here…

cleanliness is a relative term. But there’s a big difference between stacking empty pizza boxes in the living room and stacking used toilet paper in the tub because you clogged up the toilet and don’t feel like walking four steps to the utility closet to grab the plunger. These are the same kind of folks who won’t shave for weeks at a time, then give themselves a trim, leaving their clippings all over the floor, sink, mirror and, somehow, the fridge.

4 Types Of

The Moaner Everyone enjoys sex, but not everyone lets By guy namath

Terrible

their roomies hear how much they love it.

These type of roomies sound off all night without the slightest regard of those who might be suffering in the next room, trying to block out the horrifying visual of your roomie all hot ‘n’ bothered between the sheets. Like clockwork, these people go above and beyond to make sure everyone knows their business, despite the ickiness of their endeavors.

Mooch Roommates AMade In Roommates are like a bag of jelly beans. Most are sweet and appealing, but there’s always one or two in a handful that flat-out suck. Unfortunately for you, roommates aren’t like jelly beans in that you can’t just throw them away when you get the crappy ones. At the very least, though, you can prepare yourself for the likelihood of having an inconsiderate cohabitant.

Here are four typically terrible roomies to look out for.

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Heaven Like most coeds, your wallet is tighter than

Joan Rivers’ face after her 64th botox injection.

So, when you drop your hard-earned dough on a bottle of vodka and your favorite carton of ice cream, the last thing you want to come home to is your grubby-handed roomie drunk on your hooch with melted Ben & Jerry’s all over his face. Even if you tag your groceries as a preventative measure, this douchenozzle will still manage to work his way like a hungry rat into your stash.

Totally useless fact: Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

WORKIN’ FOR THE MAN!

By Guy Namath

Summer Jobs Of The Stars What They Did Before They Made It Big

Brad Pitt

Bill Cosby

is known This Hol ywood hunk of roles rts so l al for taking on But we’re and mastering them. r had a pretty sure he’s nevePol o Loco character like his El he donned chicken costume that tor. while stil an aspiring ac

This jack-of-all trade s has mastered comedy and acting.

But before that, he was an accomplis hed supermarket stock boy shoe shiner, and produce salesman. That explain s the obsession with Jell-O.

Ozzy Osbourne

Warren Buffett

In the ultimate instance of foreshadowing, the Prince of Darkness worked in a slaughterhouse before biting the heads off of bats on stage for Black Sabbath.

aire, Mr. Buffett Before he was a multi-gazillion grandfather’s his at h was handling petty cas he soon left y, ingl pris sur Not re. grocery sto J.C. Penney. at gig ing the shop for a higher pay

Gwen Stefani Before she hit it big with No Doubt, Gwen was just a girl… who happened to mop floors at her local Dairy Queen.

Famous people are wealthy. That’s as obvious as saying Disney TV stars are destined to have nude photos of themselves circulate on the Internet at some point in their career. But before they hit the jackpot, some famous folks actually had to (gasp!) work for a living. Check out these odd jobs performed by some of society’s most notable nincompoops.

ise Tom Cru nt

e ore he w Long bef and e n a s in certifiably e ult, Cruis joined a c in perboy was a pa , KY. Now e ll Louisvi per s mad pa he stack f e ri g b for makin movies. in s o e cam

Amy Adams

some cash In dire need of e not-soth r, ca a y to bu ams got a job voluptuous Ad two months. r fo s er at Hoot used some e sh ly, Presumab sh to help ca a tr of that ex a. stuff her br

Beyonce Knowles Before she was sweeping up Grammys left and right, this diva was sweeping up hair at her mother’s salon.

Matthew McConaughey Hey, more foreshadowing! As a precursor to his career as a crappy actor, McConaughey shoveled chicken poop in Australia during his year abroad from Texas.

Totally useless fact: Dr. Jack Kevorkian first patient has Alzheimer’s disease.

Rod Stewart

Before looking like the living dead, this singing superstar worked as a nighttime gravedigger. Isn’t it ironic? Don’t ya think?

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MADE IN THE USA

By Daniel Sutphin

TigerLady Takes

Safety to New Levels Safety is important on and around campus.

Late study sessions, classes and get-togethers can present risky situations for women.

According to Whitehouse.gov, “one in five women will be assaulted during their time in college,” and this figure does not begin to describe the abuse that occurs outside college campuses, and around the country.

To help curve these numbers and to make women safer in their travels, TigerLady has introduced an innovative self-protection device designed for women.

TigerLady provides a dual purpose; holding it provides a feeling of readiness and quiet confidence to the user, and when necessary, TigerLady immediately reveals itself to be a potent self-defense tool to shift the balance of power.

“We want women to feel safe and in control in every situation,” states Jeff Levine, co-founder of TigerLady, who went on to say, “holding this device will help a woman feel confident, and more aware of her surroundings.” Co-founder Evan Levine adds, “We want to give women discrete protection so potential attackers will be unaware of their capabilities.” Additionally, co-founder Josh Levine points to Federal State Department research that states, “89 percent of assaults did not involve the use of a weapon,” and “84% of assault victims reported the use of physical force only.”

TigerLady is modeled after a cat’s retractable claws, enhancing the most primal of protective movements: scratching. Once

TigerLady is comfortably in your hand, simply squeezing the device immediately exposes three claws between your fingers.

Hollow channels on the underside of the claws capture the attacker’s tissue for DNA analysis, so “you don’t need to see him, to ID him.” Weighing less than 2 ounces, TigerLady is small enough to fit in a pocket or handbag, and requires no maintenance. And, although TigerLady is non-lethal, it is effective and requires no strength, skill, or training – once TigerLady is in your hand, it is always ready.

TigerLady was developed and refined over the course of three generations, beginning with the basic design originally patented in 1978

by Al Levine. Jeff Levine, Al’s son, working with his wife Linda and his two sons and their wives, refined and re-designed TigerLady, filed a patent application on the new design, and finally brought the product to market in February 2015. tigerlady.com

facebook.com/mytigerlady

Modeled comfort after a cat’s re ab tr immedia ly in your han actable claws, Tig tely expo d. ses thre Simply squeezi erLady fits e claws n between g the device your fin gers.

Totally useless fact: Fictional/horror writer Stephen King sleeps with a nearby light on to calm his fear of the dark.

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charted

why I am not tanned reasons teenagers today know the lyrics to classic you have to GO outside to get rock songs tanned rockband guitar hero

they actually listen to them

I don’t tan easily

animal planet programming

thoughts during shark week

informative shows about real animals

holy crap i’m never going into the ocean again!!! animals killing people

bigfoot, loch Ness monsters etc...

hey, sharks aren’t actually so bad

people abusing or killing animals

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Totally useless fact: It’s possible to lead a cow upstairs but not downstairs.

studying is for suckers!

By Chris Fernandez

CT’S TESTED AND APPROVED

STUDY TIPS Where did the time go? You’re still finding Spring Break beach sand in your clothes, shoes and the occasional orifice, but now final exams are right around the corner and it’s time to hit the books. Problem is, studying is H-A-R-D. I know this because I tried it once. Those were the longest 12 minutes of my life.

Those 12 minutes, however, officially qualified me as the CT staff expert on study techniques. So, as a service to all of my cramming-challenged comrades out there, I made the ultimate sacrifice and threw myself into exhaustive research to come up with this list of tested and approved study tips. Okay, so I surfed the Web for a couple hours and tossed this together between Tweets… but I’m pretty sure most of these techniques were tested and approved by someone. After all, if it’s in Wikipedia, it must be true, right?

Association

Okay, raise your hand if you can name the entire starting five of the 2009-10 L.A. Lakers.

Now, keep your hand up if you can also name the first five Presidents of the United States.

Chances are your hand went down faster than a freshman at her first frat party. If you’re like me, all that “trivial” information takes up so much space in your brain that all the really “important” stuff tends to just bounce off. So, why not use all those seemingly useless factoids to your advantage? For instance, knowing your college’s last two quarterbacks uniform numbers were, say, 12 and 15 can also help you remember the year the Magna Carta was signed (1215 AD, of course!). And as an added bonus, when finals are over, this little memory aid can also help you file away those digits you scored from your hot T.A.

Factoid Poetry

This one’s for the creative people in the crowd...random facts have been proven to stick to your brain better when they are put to verse. So, channel your inner Shakespeare and get your rhyme on with that Quantum Physics book. To wit: “Planck theorized Constantly, Duality came from Bohr, Einstein added Relativity, Unified Field and more.” For even more wacky fun, try to find ways to rhyme your study topics with “Nantucket.” One unfortunate bit of irony, though… this method tends to be less effective when you are studying actual poetry. Sorry, English majors.

Copying

No, not that kind of copying. We here at CT don’t condone plagiarism of any kind. (We’re also very proud of our upcoming series of vampire novels set in the Pacific Northwest. We’re calling it “The Late Afternoon/Early Evening Saga,” and we think teenage girls are going to love it!) By “copying,” I am simply referring to typing your handwritten notes into your computer. This active method of studying allows you to not only review your notes, but to organize them as well. They’ll be legible, keyword-searchable and suitable for re-sale to next semester’s incoming freshmen.

Wait, you didn’t actually take notes?

Well, then you should probably consider…

Prayer

Get out those rosary beads, rub Buddha’s belly, send a solemn “R’amen” up to the Flying Spaghetti Monster… whatever it takes to bring you inner peace and enlightenment. Because sometimes the best thing to do is to remember that, in the grand scheme of life, the universe and everything, your final exams pale in comparison to the vast mysteries of existence.

Editor’s Note: This rationalization may actually

work as a legitimate essay response on an Eastern Philosophy exam. It’s our gift to you – run with it.

Totally useless fact: The very first song played on MTV was ‘Video Killed The Radio Star’ by the Buggles.

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LAY OFF MY LEFTOVERS!

Grocery Tags

For Greedy

Roomies STEAL THIS PIE AND YOU WILL

DIE! WARNING:

Last month, we aided you in your endless war against thieving roommates who pilfered your beer. This month, the battle rages on!

Instead of looting your liquor cabinet, your roomies have moved on to slightly more nourishing novelties in your fridge. Slap these property tags on your fresh groceries and leftovers as a warning sign for those who are too cheap to splurge for their own $2 case of Ramen.

HANDS OFFAGIE! MY HO HEY CHEAPSKATE…

THIS SANDWICH BELONGS TO ___________!

LEFTOVERS COME WITH a COMPLIMENTARY

FAT LIP! EAD, DON’T BOGART MY BR

BUDDY!

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Totally useless fact: The the U.S. you dial ‘911’. In Stockholm, Sweden you dial 90000.

LAY OFF MY LEFTOVERS!

WARNING: PASTA POACHERS WILL PAY THE PRICE!

E G A S U A S KEEP MY

OUTTA !

TH U O YOUR M

Y M L A TE S T ’ N DO ! , E S E HEE C S ’ N C A A M PLE BUY YOUR OWN BACON,

!

D R A T S A B YA

TOSS YOUR OWN SALAD,

STUPID!

NO WAY ARE YOU GETTIN’ MY LO MEIN!

BACK OFF MY BURGER,

CHEAPSKATE!

HANDS OFF… THIS IS

NOT’CHO CHEESE!

I! HETT G A P S IS TH G NO STEALIN

Totally useless fact: Americans travel 1,144,721,000 miles by air every day.

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oooh, nasty!

irty? d e r a s e t a roomm photos. r u o y k in h T ut these ur

Check eoto send us picturees toof yo

Feel fre ment or roommat â&#x20AC;&#x2122;d love to nasty aparytca mpustalk.com, wlde for you. mail@m em off to the wor show th

Need a new apartment or roommate, go to www.collegerentals.com.

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Totally useless fact: 38% of American men say they love their cars more than women.

play with yourself

L I R P A

GO FIGURE

CR O S SWORD

SN OW FL AK ES

C RYPTO QUIP{

SUDOKU

Totally useless fact: The U.S. military operates 234 golf courses.

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rs are answepage 73 on

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25

play with yourself

star Map

CRYPTO QUOTE

CRISS C ROSS

MAZE

word searc h

Even exchange

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Totally useless fact: 100% of lottery winners do gain weight .

APRIL FEAR KNOT

you sooooo cheated

w is h i n g

well

AMAZING whereâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s frank?

Totally useless fact: Bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers were all invented by women.

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tic tac toe!

Use this space for TIC TAC TOE, or anything else you can think of to spare the borEdom of class!

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Totally useless fact: A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

hahahaha Q: How do you make a tissue dance?

A: Put a little boogie in it.

Teacher: “If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?”

Johnny: “Seven.”

A young boy is pulling his wagon up a hill when one of the back wheels falls off and rolls down the hill. The young boy says, “I’ll be darned.” A local pastor heard him and said, “You should not say that.

Next time your wheel falls off say, ‘Praise the Lord.’” So the next day the young boy is pulling his wagon up the hill and the wheel falls off and rolls down the hill. The young boy says, “Praise the Lord.” The wheel stops rolling, turns around, rolls back up the hill and puts itself back on the wagon. The young boy being very surprised by this exclaims, “I’ll be darned!”

Remember to

send all jokes funny@mycampus talk.com and you could win a Campus Talk t-shirt.

How many snowboarders does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 50: 3 to die trying, 1 to actually pull it off, and 46 other to say, “man, I could do that!”

A proud and confident genius makes a bet with an idiot. The genius says, “Hey idiot, every question I ask you that you don’t know the answer, you have to give me $5. And if you ask me a question and I can’t answer yours I will give you $5,000.” The idiot says, “Okay.” The genius then asks, “How many continents are there in the world?” The idiot doesn’t know and hands over the $5. The idiot says, “Now me ask: what animal stands with two legs but sleeps with three?” The genius tries and searches very hard for the answer but gives up and hands over the $5000.

The genius says, “Dang it, I lost.

By the way, what was the answer to your question?”

The idiot hands over $5.

Teacher: “No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”

Johnny: “Seven.”

Teacher: “Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?”

Johnny: “Six.” Teacher: “Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”

Johnny: “Seven!”

Teacher: “Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!”

Johnny: “Because I’ve already got a freaking cat!”

Every Day is Gameday

In Gainesville every day is Gameday, only the venues change! So whether you love going outdoors or simply going out to eat, we’ve got just what you’re looking for. Paddle the Santa Fe River, dine at one of our delicious local restaurants or search for treasures at local boutiques and vintage shops downtown. Gainesville, where nature and culture meet.

Totally useless fact: A duck’s quack doesn’t echo, and no one knows why.

VisitGainesville.com

352.374.5260

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MERRY MAYHEM!

10

By Guy Namath

Ways To

Prank Your

Professor April Fools isn’t just for friends and foes… it’s for everyone! And, honestly, who deserves a good pranking more than that snooty, uptight professor who gave you a D because you didn’t properly indicate each page number on your report with an indented Roman numeral like the course syllabus required?

Remember to prank with caution!

When the professor calls roll, after each name scream, “THAT’S MEEEEE! Oh, no, sorry.”

Feign an unintelligible accent and repeatedly ask, “Vet ozzle haffen dee henvay?” Become agitated and slam your fist on your desk when the professor can’t understand you.

Sift through your textbook and scratch each page then sniff it.

When your professor , asks what you’re doing reply, “I thought this course was supposed to be interactive.”

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Leave permanent markers by the dry-erase board.

the Ask whether of apter ch first will your textbook If the . test e th be on no, ys sa professor out of pages e th rip . your textbook

Sit in the front row and hold up a sign that says “CHECK YOUR FLY! ”

to Wear earmuffs class. Every few e minutes, ask th professor to speak louder.

Claim to be the teaching assistant. If the real one objects, jump up and scream “IMPOSTER!”

pipe and Smoke a to each respond professor e h point t it y waving makes b , “Quite and saying bean!” old , t h rig

Pretend like you’re auditing the class and insist in a Southern drawl th at your name really is Wuc hen Li. If you’re actually asian, insist that your name is Vladimir Fernande z O’Reilly.

Totally useless fact: Cats urine glows under a black light.

...or you could just grab your copy of Gator Bucks!

www.GatorBucks.com

BIG BUCKS FOR BORING BOOKS!

POSSIBILITY OF EVENT HAPPENING

College Textbooks

100% 75% 50%

25% 0%

Old book will be used in class by professor

New book will be published each semester

Professor will bitch about new book but require it anyway

Professor will never even mention new book in class but require it on syllabus

New book will be EXACTLY the same as old book, minus new cover picture

Event 32

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Totally useless fact: In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.

SUPERHEROES WANTED

PUSTALK M A

OM .C

MY C

OOH OOH, THAT SMELL!

WARNING! This Bathroom Has Been Contaminated

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Give and get back more!

Totally useless fact: Pinocchio is Italian for “pine head.”

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33

WELCOME TO COLLEGE!

You Know

You’ve traveled with bags of dirty clothes.

You’re In College

When…

You see peoplee ’v you know you er ev n n ca met but eir remember th ow names or h . you know them

College is a unique experience unlike any other phase in your life. But the sensory overload of endless partying and complete autonomy makes it difficult to pick up on the little nuances that make college so special and distinctive. Well, here’s a little help to remind you that, yes, you’re actually in college.

Going to the library is a social event.

It takes preparation… and three people… to take out your garbage.

Certain things are now deemed .”

“Facebook worthy When friends take pictures of you, gyoitu wonder how lon to will take them post them.

Your idea of a square meal is a box of Pop-Tarts.

You’ve seen a hit and run involving a bicyclist and a pedestrian.

Your beer pong table is nicer than all your other tables.

You throw out bowls and plates because you don’t feel like washing them.

You use words like “thus.”

You pay $100 for a book you don’t read once, return it four months later and get $7 back.

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You sleep more in class than in your room.

You go home to do your laundry because you’re too poor to pay the $2 or too lazy to go to a change machine.

More than 20% of your household furnishings are made from milk crates.

Totally useless fact: Who’s that playing the piano on the “Mad About You” theme? Paul Reiser himself.

Encroachment

Don’t Take it Personal, But Back the Eff Up:

A Guide to

Personal Space

By Daniel Sutphin

HEY BABY!

WHAT’S UP, MAN?!

Intimate distance – 6 to 18 inches –

Personal distance – 1.5 to 4 feet –

indicates a closer relationship or heightened comfort between individuals.

indicates the level of intimacy between the individuals involved; the distance is based on how personal the individuals involved consider themselves.

Moments of occurrence: During intimate contact such as hugging, whispering, or touching. (If you don’t fall into this category, then BACK OFF!)

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Moments of occurrence: Usually between people who are family members or close friends. (If you don’t fall into this category, then BACK OFF!)

Totally useless fact: Winston Churchill was born in a ladies’ room during a dance.

Encroachment

ith so much emphasis on W social media in our modern, tech-trapped times, it’s easy to understand how social (i.e. being in public amongst other actual humans) etiquette could be a bit amiss on burgeoning generations.

Too often people find themselves crammed together into spaces that generally don’t require such close quarters (i.e. waiting in lines, anywhere).

Like with most things in life, if change is going to happen, it starts with people making efforts toward that change. Instead of just silently standing by, should you find yourself feeling pressed against by some stranger, make contact with the stranger and advise the person on their social ineptitude. By doing so, you enable him or her to pass the information onto other strangers.

Before you know it, the day could come that we can actually stretch our arms, or breathe in air devoid of the stench of some stranger’s breath on it.

According to Anthropologist Edward T. Hall, four levels of social distance occur in different situations:

GOOD DAY, SIR.

WHOA THERE, PAL!

Social distance – 4 to 12 feet –

Public distance – 12 to 25 feet –

indicates the level of sociability between individuals that are most likely acquaintances.

If it’s between individuals who see each other several times a week, they might stand closer.

If it’s between individuals who don’t know each other as well, a distance of 10 to 12 feet may feel more comfortable.

indicates a lack of relations between the parties involved.

Moments of occurrence: often used during interactions with delivery drivers, or other service providers. (Thank your, sir or madam, for not pressing your person upon me.)

Moments of occurrence: often used for speeches, lectures and theater, essentially a range reserved for larger audiences.. (Nice speech, sir or madam, now KEEP YOUR DISTANCE unless I motion otherwise.)

The comfort level of personal distance required by individuals can vary from culture to culture.

Totally useless fact: Most lipstick contains fish scales!

not

OK

While culture does dictate social etiquette, it is important to know the culture with which you are surrounding yourself. i.e. It is common knowledge in this culture, it is rude to invade one’s personal space.

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Lookin’ good!

Beauty

By Jenna Herman

Pure Bliss Body Wash: Red Poppy & Hemp

This aromatic body wash provides a sweet and relaxing scent while gently cleansing and moisturizing the skin. $15.50 kneippus.com Blood Orange Body Scrub Smooth away bumps and flakes with this sweet smelling body scrub for incredibly soft skin.

Made with natural fruit oils and fruit acids to provide antioxidants and vitamins to your skin leaving it bright and vibrant. $28 100percentpure.com

Cold & Sinus Relief Bath: Eucalyptus

This aroma-intensive eucalyptus essential oil bath treatment helps relieve sinuses and is great for having during cold and flu season, or even allergy season.

3.38 fl oz. $20 kneippus.com

African Black Soap Problem Skin Facial Mask Deeply cleanse and draw out impurities with this gentle yet effective mask. It absorbs extra oil to leave your skin feeling fresh and clean while refining the skin to address problems associated with acne. $11.99 sheamoisture.com

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Infinitely White Keep your pearly whites from reabsorbing stains with this tooth shade protectant that keeps your bright smile lasting longer to help you save money on future whitening treatments.

One jar + 8 “Grab ‘n Go” Minis $24.99; 32 “Grab ‘n Go” minis $24.99 infinitelywhite.com

Totally useless fact: Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn’t wear pants!

lookin’ good!

Mint Soother This body butter is an enriching combination of

Fruit Pigmented Eye Shadow: Fig This glamorous eye shadow is made with fruit pigments and free of minerals and synthetic dyes. Packed with antioxidants and vitamins for healthy skin. $17 100percentpure.com

soothing lavender with refreshing mints to leave your skin tingling with freshness. $10.99 theorangeowlshop.com

Organic Bourbon Vanilla

Fall in love with the creamy sweet scent of vanilla with hints of rose and jasmine. $27 eccobella.com Flowercolor Blush: Peach Rose This silky smooth, naturallycolored powder is made from a pure and simple formula of sweet almond oil, natural pigments, flower wax and vitamin E. Talc-free, fragrance-free and additive-free. Full range of shades for warm to cool skin tones available. $15.95 eccobella.com

Pretty Naked Palette Highlight your gorgeous features naturally with this neutral make-up palette packed with antioxidants, vitamins, and beautiful color from pigments of fruits, seeds, flowers, and vegetables. $35 100percentpure.com

E

EVER HOM

IS

OR A FOR LOOKING F

oo� Mak� r ar� for he i� your famil� � new er! memb

WHO RESCUED WHO PHOTOGRAPHY

Medical Care, Laser Surgery, Therapeutic Laser Treatments, Dentistry, Pet Supplies, Natural Pet Food, Boarding, Grooming, Adoptions, House Calls Available

5231 SW 91ST DRIVE, HAILE VILLAGE CENTER • 352.377.6003 • HAILEANIMALCLINIC.COM Totally useless fact: There are more than 10 million bricks in the Empire State Building!

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Stylin’ RVCA Escapade Brown Romper Slip on this lightweight woven romper with a triangle bodice, adjustable straps and low-dipping back and you’ll be ready for whatever lies ahead. $50 lulus.com

Trellis a Story Peach Platform Wedge Sandals Blushing peach vegan leather is intricately cut into a trellis-like pattern over the toe band and an adjustable quarter strap to make up these fun and flirty wedges. $25 lulus.com

Fashion

By Jenna Herman

LULUS Exclusive What’s Strap-pening? Grey Tank Top This stretchy jersey knit top in heather grey features an open back crossed by a series of straps in a triangle design. $31 lulus.com

Daisy Chains Natural Tan Wedge Sandals These wedges feature a tan toe band in soft vegan leather with a cute scalloped edge and shiny gold rivets along the sides, plus an adjustable back strap.

Cushioned insole and non-skid rubber sole. $31 lulus.com

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Totally useless fact: Camels have three eyelids to protect themselves from blowing sand!

Stylin’ Somedays Lovin’ Days Light Wash Flare Jeans The softest cotton-spandex blend offers the perfect bit of stretch to these high-waisted flares, with belt loops and hidden zip and button closure. Light washing travels down the fitted legs that flare to wide, seventies-style legs. $87 lulus.com

Beach Hopper Strappy Thong Sandals These sturdy sandals are a sunny day favorite, made with brown vegan leather straps that crisscross around a central toe thong, with an adjustable ankle strap to offer a fine fit. $18 lulus.com

Talia 11W Navy Pointed Flats These beautiful little basics have dark blue vegan leather constructing a pointed toe upper. Low-cut collar slopes up at the heel in a cute and comfy design. $17 lulus.com

Tip-Top Shape Grey Crop Top This soft cotton stretch knit has a ribbed sweater-inspired texture forming this cool sleeveless crop top with a V-neck and low V-back. Its bodycon fit makes it extra cozy and versatile. Pair with high-waisted shorts, pants or skirt and you’re good to go! $33 lulus.com

No End In Stripe Black and Cream Crop Top Soft, cotton stretch knit forms a perfect cropped fit with a high rounded neck, sleeveless front and racer back. The style, fit and print make this top a wardrobe essential. $25 lulus.com Totally useless fact: The placement of a donkey’s eyes in its’ heads enables it to see all four feet at all times!

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get these in your life

By Jenna Herman

Stance

Kenu brings you the first palm-sized tripod stand for your smartphone. Smaller than a pack of gum, this compact device is easy to bring anywhere and also conveniently features a built-in bottle opener. $29.95 kenu.com

Airbeat-10 This Divoom speaker is not only portable and splash-proof, but can connect to Bluetooth devices. Comes with a suction cup and a bike mount for easy, convenient listening wherever you are. $29.90 divoom.com

Pyle: PVTTBT8BR Play your favorite records or plug in your mp3 device to listen to all your music on one modern, innovative device.

Also works with virtually any Bluetooth device and can be connected to PC or Mac computers. $109.99 pyleaudio.com

G-loves

These stylish gloves combine fitness with fashion. G-loves are lightweight and protect your hands from calluses and tearing while also giving you a better grip and keeping away gym germs. $45 g-loves.com

MyAir

Personal air space, with a twist. MyAir is a comfortable mask which provides advanced filtration to block airborne pathogens, allergens and pollen. MyAir supports hydration to keep your nose and throat comfortable and reduces strain on your body in tough environments. Great for use on an airplane, in cold weather, anywhere! $19.99 myairmask.com 42

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Totally useless fact: The average American/Canadian will eat about 11.9 pounds of cereal per year!

get these in your life

MS 100 BA

myVERT

These water-resistant headphones provide quality sound with minimized sound leakage for a superior listening experience. Super sleek and user-friendly, these feature a minimum-tangle cord for easy use. $99 phiaton.com

This miniature inertial measurement unit records jumps and other movements when worn by athletes during practices, games and workouts to give coaches instant feedback to help prevent injury. $124.99 myvert.com

Power slayer

BottlePops

Forget using a tee shirt to twist off a bottle cap or a lighter to smack it off; BottlePops has got you covered. These sports themed bottle openers make fun sounds when you open your drink and a magnet holds on to the cap as you take it off.

Choose from baseball, football, soccer and more. Made of recycled plastic. $14.95 bottlepops.com

This smart charger saves on energy by only providing it when it is needed. Just plug in your phone and let Powerslayer do the rest; it uses only one-tenth of the standby power of other chargers. $39 web.velvetwire.com

We offer professionally guided tours over terrain that will amaze you.

Our 2.5 hour tour includes 9 zip lines, 2 rope bridges and a rappel!

No time for a tour? Our Super Zip is a hands-free, Super Hero style thrill ride over cliffs and lakes.

Our horseback tours offer an up close and personal view of our many lakes and canyons.

GUIDED TOURS START AT JUST $59

SUPER ZIP STARTS AT JUST $30

$5 OFF WITH UF STUDENT ID

Totally useless fact: Over 1000 birds a year die from smashing into windows!

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SCARIER THAN MADONNA WITHOUT MAKEUP!

By Ami Gavarian

Hell On Earth!

The 5 Freakiest

Places In America While finals had every college coed quivering with fear, we thought we’d help give you some perspective with a look at some of the freakiest, weirdest and straight-up scariest spots in the States. These aren’t your average carnival haunted houses, folks. Read on with caution!

The Amityville Horror (Amityville, N.Y.) In 1974, Ronald DeFeo, Jr. brutally murdered six members of his family in their home, claiming that demons possessed him and forced him to commit the heinous acts. Years later, the new tenant of the house at 112 Ocean Avenue reported that unexplainable supernatural events were occurring within his walls. While Defeo, Jr. later admitted through his attorney to have made the demonic excuse up, most believe that ABBA’s emergence on the music scene was the real cause of this famed family murder.

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Haunted French Quarter (New Orleans) Considered by many to be the most haunted city in the world, certain areas of the famed French Quarter are truly a trip for ghost hunters and avid supernatural seekers.

From voodoo curses and buried Civil War soldiers to Revolutionary War pirates and supposed vampires, this current party hot-spot doubles as a demonic and dreadful playground for generations of murder and mayhem. Word is, however, that beads and breasts are your ticket to safe passage through these haunted havens.

The Villisca Ax Murder House (Villisca, Iowa) In 1912, the small, quiet town of Villisca was turned upside down by a vicious mass murder that wiped out an entire family. Six members of the J.B. Moore family, along with two overnight guests, were brutally chopped to pieces in their quaint abode. The murderer was never brought to justice, hanging an ever-looming cloud over this peaceful community throughout the past century. Vegas oddsmakers assume the murders were a direct result of living in Villisca.

Seriously, who willingly lives in Iowa?

Alcatraz (San Francisco) Home to some of the country’s most ruthless and sinister criminals during the earlier parts of the 20th century, Alcatraz also turned out to be the final resting place for many, many infamous men. To this day, specialists believe the tortured and battered spirits of deceased inmates roam the halls and cells of The Rock, wreaking havoc on touring guests. Or they could just be pining for that long-awaited conjugal visit.

Frank The Cab Driver’s Home (Somewhere In Florida) This home has been described by many as “horrific… an abomination… a vile cesspool.” With putrid aromas that reach neighboring blocks and more animal corpses than a pet cemetery, Frank’s home was legally condemned in the late 20th century. Nevertheless, the living spirit of Frank still dwells in the corroded confines of the small shack. Passersby can – on a clear day – make out through the home’s lone window what looks like a woman’s lifeless body sitting at the kitchen table. Frank claims this is his girlfriend. Receipts confirm that it’s merely a blow-up doll.

Totally useless fact: The state of Florida is bigger than England!

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HEADERME THIS! RIDDLE

MIND

What invention #1 lets you look right th rough a wall?

GAMES in in a r b r u o y p e e k To ing g n u lo e il h w e p sha on your couch…

#5

What has one eye but cannot see?

1) A window. 2) A cold. 3) The letter W. 4) His breath. 5) A needle.

#2

n What cach you cat but not throw?

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What is at the end of a rainbow?

#3

#4 What is as ligh t as a feather, but eve n the world’s stronge st man couldn’t hold it for more than a minute ?

Totally useless fact: Dolphins sleep with one eye open!

Music Reviews

Tune In Turn On Plug In

By Daniel Sutphin

Modest Mouse Strangers to Ourselves The first album in 10 years, Modest Mouse returns with an hour of music, picking up where they left off. Despite member changes, including the addition of the Shins’ James Mercer – one that expands on the already heavy melodic textures and detail associated with singer-songwriter Isaac Brock. The album’s first single, Lampshades on Fire, exemplifies the album’s universe of sound with a driving backbeat coupled with multi-layers of delayed guitars and upbeat, busy vocals. Other standouts include The Ground Walks, With Time in a Box, and the opening ballad Strangers.

The Airborne Toxic Event Dope Machines From the get-go, The Airborne Toxic Event leap into the band’s newfound sound of blatant synth, dance beats and catchy choruses that cling to the depths of your consciousness. The first single Wrong kicks off their latest album – an abandonment from the orchestral indie-rock sound prominent throughout the band’s previous LPs. Travel past Hell and Back, and the songwriting draws more from an indie-rock touch and then rounds out with a softer section of songs.

Overall, Dope Machines is a brave venture toward something new for the band and their fans, however singer/songwriter Mikel Jollett’s capabilities as a lyricist and mega-hookdebonair remain a constant in the band’s full-length album attempts. Also a fun touch, upon the release of Dope Machines in February, the band also unveiled the digital release of a more acoustic album, Songs of God and Whiskey.

Totally useless fact: In the White House, there are 13,092 knives, forks and spoons!

Elle King Love Stuff Elle King brings the bang on her RCA debut, however, it’s obvious that King is still establishing the overall sense of her sound.

From start to finish the album remains a fascinating blend of blues, rock, country and modern pop – one often attempted and consistently lacking – but King manages to blend the genres and maintain a unique edge. This blend is exemplified in tracks America’s Sweetheart and Last Damn Night.

The driving rhythms mixed with layered vocals and crisp melodies give the tracks retro hollowness, while still providing a full, hearty performance. Where the Devil Don’t Go is a gritty, in-your-face blules rock number and a perfect launch to the overall album. King even reveals a softer side to her voice – one bordering the styles of Brit-Pop singer Duffy and Jennifer Nettles from Sugarland – in the track Kocaine Karolina, named in the most outlaw country way. campus talk

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hahahaha

A photographer was hired to take pictures at a lawyers’ convention. When he lined up his subjects, he got them to look their best by shouting, “Okay, everyone say, ‘Fees!’

Remember to

send all jokes funny@mycampus talk.com and you could win a Campus Talk t-shirt.

Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious-looking bear. The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers and started putting them on. The second lawyer looked at him and said, “You’re crazy! You’ll never be able to outrun that bear!”

“I don’t have to,” the first lawyer replied. “I only have to outrun you.”

A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer’s club by mistake.

The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to escape. “It ain’t so bad,” one crook noted.

“We got $25 between us.”

The boss screamed, “I warned you to stay clear of lawyers… we had $100 when we broke in!”

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Q: How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.

RENT

11-7y

1-7ay

Q: Why doesn’t a chicken wear pants?

A: Because his pecker is on his head!

LITTLE STORE JUST GOT BET T S E G TER! G I B E H T

R U O H HAPPY 3-7ur

An old man was wondering if his wife had a hearing problem. So one night, he stood behind her while she was sitting in her chair. He spoke softly to her, “Honey, can you hear me?” There was no response. He moved a little closer and said again, “Honey, can you hear me?”

Still, there was no response.

Finally, he moved right behind her and said, “Honey, can you hear me?”

She replied loundly, “For the third time, yes!”

THE LATEST RELEASES

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Totally useless fact: Recycling one glass jar, saves enough energy to watch T.V for 3 hours!

game on!

Sore Thumbs

By Daniel Sutphin

Mortal Kombat X PS4, PS3, PC, Xbox One April 14 A franchise begging for next-gen technology, X screams new life into this blood-drenched fighter. Combining unparalleled, cinematic presentation with dynamic gameplay, players step into an original story showcasing some of the game’s most prolific characters including Scorpion and Sub-Zero, while introducing new challengers. With brutalities even-more brutal than the previous games combined, the thrill has returned to the long-running series. Players can choose from multiple variations of each character impacting both strategy and fighting style.

A fully-connected online experience lets players take their skills to the web, where every fight matters in a global battle for supremacy.

Dark Souls II: Scholar of the First Sin PC PS4PS3Xbox 360 April 7 A compilation of Dark Souls II along with its three DLC chapters, Scholar of the First Sin adds new content to the already critically acclaimed franchise. The new editions utilize the power of the next-gen technology with enhanced graphics and new content that includes an expanded story featuring additional in-game events and NPC character along with new deadlier enemies and gameplay improvements. Souls II features a new hero, a new storyline, and an unfamiliar world for players to survive in while delivering its signature brand of ruthless punishment that players have come to expect from he franchise.

Project CARS PS4, Xbox One, PC, Steam April 7 A definitive racing simulation, C.A.R.S. lets players map out a personalized career, starting in the Karting world and then progressing on to whichever motorsport specialization – Rally, Touring Cars, Open-Wheel, GT, Le Mans, and more. Players can get in at every role in professional racing – play Co-Op with a friend as Driver/Co-Driver, and create and manage a full team to compete against friends and challengers. An advanced graphics and physics model is provided, so players can design a car exactly to his or her liking.

Totally useless fact: Owls are one of the only birds who can see the color blue!

Shovel Knight PS4, Vita, Linux, 3DS, Wii U, Mac, PS3 April 21 This addictive mashup of new and old lets players take on the role of Shovel Knight, a small knight who has come to this land with two goals: to defeat the evil Enchantress and quest for his lost beloved. A classic tale befitting of a classic look, the adventure is portrayed through the 8-bit retro style. For new and old gamers alike, the smooth gameplay, memorable characters and throwback aesthetic will players returning with anticipation to destroy The Order of No Quarter as they try to prevent Shovel Knight from reaching the Enchantress. campus talk

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ll How Americans Say They’ Use Their Tax Refunds A few weeks after Tax Day, tons of Americans get a fat check back from the government and tell themselves they’ll be prudent with their cash. Then, about three days later, all that cash is ffllflushed down the toilet known better as the American economy and you can’t remember where you spent it all. Until now …

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% 12 Home/car

Pay up on credit/ debt

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y How Americans actuall Use Their Tax Refunds

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NASCAR Dream Weekend 2%

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11%

19%

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20%

Totally useless fact: Honeybees have a type of hair on their eyes!

Revenge on ex

9%

Newest iPhone plus all iPhone accessories

Rent a celebrity for a day

34%

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GET THE CANDY! Child 44 WHAT: Drama, Thriller WHO: Tom Hardy, Joel Kinnaman,

Noomi Rapace, Gary Oldman WHEN: April 17 Tom Hardy’s star power and on-film presence continues to make a mark in the drama/action genre. Formerly Bane of Dark Knight Rises and lead actor in The Drop, Hardy takes the role of Leo Demidov, a military police officer in Stalin’s Soviet Union. Leo never questions his patriotic duty until the young son of his friend is found brutally killed and he must deny the accusation of murder despite the evidence. Leo is banished to a work camp after his wife is marked as a traitor. There, he stumbles across a series of child murders matching the death of his friend’s son. As he tracks down the murderer, the danger that awaits is more connected than he could have imagined.

flicks By daniel sutphin

The Longest Ride The Age of Adaline

WHAT: Drama, Romance WHO: Blake Lively, Harrison Ford,

Furious 7

Desert Dancer

WHAT: Action, Crime, Thriller WHO: Vin Diesel, Paul Walker,

WHAT: Biography, Drama WHO: Freida Pinto, Nazanin

Dwayne Johnson, Jason Statham WHEN: April 3 The latest addition to the high-energy Fast & The Furious franchise, Furious 7 brings back the cast from 6, and boosts the action a little more over the edge with Expendables, Transporter star Jason Statham. He takes on the role of Deckard Shaw, seeking revenge against Dominic Toretto (Diesel) and his family for the death of his brother.

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Boniadi, Tom Cullen WHEN: April 10 Based on a true story, Desert Dancer follows Afshin Ghaffarian during the volatile climate of the Iranian 2009 presidential election. Despite cultural freedoms being threatened during that time in Iran, Afshin and some friends risk their lives and form an underground dance company in pursuit of their dreams and passions.

Michiel Huisman, Ellen Burstyn WHEN: April 24 Adaline (Blake Lively) ceases to age following an accident one icy night, but keeps her condition a closely-guarded secret while embarking on a number of incredible adventures throughout the 20th Century. A chance encounter with a charismatic philanthropist named Ellis Jones (Huisman) reignites Adaline’s long-suppressed passion for life and romance. A weekend with his parents turns into something more when Ellis’ father (Ford) recognizes her from decades before when he was a young man.

WHAT: Drama, Romance WHO: Melissa Benoist, Scott

Eastwood, Britt Robertson WHEN: April 10 The Notebook author Nicholas Sparks brings his writing to the big screen once again with The Longest Ride. The film centers on the star-crossed love affair between Luke, a former champion bull rider looking to make a comeback, and Sophia, a college student who is about to embark upon her dream job in New York City’s art world. As conflicting paths and ideals test their relationship, Sophia and Luke make an unexpected and fateful connection with Ira, whose memories of his own decades-long romance with his beloved wife deeply inspire the young couple.

Totally useless fact: A jellyfish is 95 percent water!

rent me!

e Scan th

code the

to see trailer!

Interstellar WHAT: Adventure, Mystery, Sci-Fi WHO: Matthew McConaughey,

Anne Hathaway, Jessica Chastain, Bill Irwin WHEN: April 7 A sci-film surrounding interdimensional travel based on the theories of physicist Kip Thorne, Interstellar follows a group of explorers as they travel a newly discovered wormhole to surpass the limitations on human space travel and conquer the vast distances involved in an interstellar voyage.

Small

Screen

The Woman in Black 2: Angel of Death WHAT: Drama, Horror, Thriller WHO: Helen McCrory, Jeremy Irvine, Phoebe Fox WHEN: April 14

School teachers Eve Parkins (Fox) and Jean Hogg (McCrory) lead a group of children in evacuation to Crythin Gifford, a remote village outside of the city during the London bombings of World War II. The group takes up residence at the Eel Marsh House, 40 years after an investigation of the first haunting.

Parkins begins to realize that they are not along and the longer they stay in the house, the more threatened the group becomes.

Big Eyes Cake WHAT: Drama WHO: Jennifer Aniston, Adriana Barraza,

Anna Kendrick WHEN: April 21 Claire Simmons (Aniston) suffers from chronic pain and attends a support group. After a member of the group kills herself (Kendrick), Simmons starts experiencing visions of the woman. The more she experiences the visions, the more she pursues womanâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s widower (Worthington).

Totally useless fact: In Bangladesh, kids as young as 15 can be jailed for cheating on their finals!

WHAT: Docudrama, Biography WHO: Amy Adams, Christoph Waltz,

Krysten RitteR, Jason Schwartzman WHEN: April 14 Director Tim Burton tells the true story of Walter Keane (Christoph Waltz), who was one of the most successful painters of the 1950s and early 1960s. He received notoriety by revolutionizing the commercialization and accessibility of popular art with his enigmatic paintings of waifs with big eyes. The only problem: Keaneâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s art was actually not created by him at all, but by his wife, Margaret (Adams) campus talk

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hahaha

History of Medicine in a Nut Shell 2000 B.C. Here, eat this root.

1000 A.D. That root is heathen.

Say this prayer.

1850 A.D. That prayer is superstition.

Drink this potion.

1940 A.D. That potion is snake oil.

Swallow this pill.

1985 A.D. That pill is ineffective.

Take this antibiotic.

2008 A.D. That antibiotic is artificial.

Here, eat this root.

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Totally useless fact: The katydid bug hears through holes in its hind legs!

APRIL S

SNOWFLAKES

ER W S N A

word searc h

you sooooo cheated

CR OS SWORD

SUDOKU

MAZE STAR MAP

Even exchange

GO FIGURE

FEAR KNOT C RYPTO QUOTE

QU I P {

whereâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s frank?

CRISS CROSS Totally useless fact: Q is the only letter in the alphabet that does not appear in the name of any of the United States!

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spotted!

Paul Blart: M a l l C op 2

Spot The Differences

April 17, 2015

evin James, K Raini Rodriguez, Eduardo Verástegui

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Full service design studio providing clients with our best creative talents.

Publishing division creating the best in college publications to college students.

Connecting students to student properties clear across the country. Traffic is our middle name.

From pens to ping pong tables, our promotional department can handle all of your logo merchandising needs.

Totally useless fact: 166,875,000,000 pieces of mail are delivered each year in the US.

spotted!

CHECK

LIST

1) Lady in back missing 2) Blart now has glasses 3) ID tag missing 4) Pink boa now on statue 5) Painting on left wall missing 6) Wrist watch missing 7) Satchel on left changed color 8) Rug on wall pattern changed 9) Holes in metal divide on right now filled in.

Get Out and About!

Spring is an exciting time to be in Gainesville. Between UF sports, concerts and art festivals, there’s always something to do. So take a break from campus and get out and about in Gainesville. For more information and a complete listing of events visit our website.

Events in Gainesville April 8: ‘The Two Musketeers’ opens at The Hipp April 9: Museum Nights at the Harn Museum of Art April 11-12: Santa Fe Spring Arts Festival April 18: Hogtown Craft Beer Festival Earth Day Celebration at FLMNH Family Day at the Harn Museum of Art April 24: John Spence Day at Best Western Gateway Grand April 25: Hot Rodding for Heroes at Haile Plantation April 25-26: 36th Annual Fifth Avenue Arts Festival May 2: Juleps and Jockeys at Sweetwater Branch Inn Moonlight Walk at Kanapaha Botanical Gardens May 8: “Go to the Circus” by the Gainesville Orchestra June 6: Guided Tour of Kanapaha Botanical Gardens

www.visitgainesville.com 352.374.5260

VisitGainesvilleFlorida Totally useless fact: Bats always turn left when exiting a cave.

@ Gainesville

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hahahaha

Remember to

send all jokes funny@mycampus talk.com and you could win a Campus Talk t-shirt.

A teacher asked her students to use the word “beans” in a sentence. “My father grows beans,” said one girl. “My mother cooks beans,” said a boy. A third student spoke up, “We are all human beans.”

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My friend thinks he is smart.

He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.

Q: What did the green grape say to the purple grape?

Q: Why couldn’t the blonde add 10 + 5 on a calculator?

A: “Breathe, stupid!”

A: She couldn’t find the “10” button.

Mr. and Mrs. Brown had two sons. One was named Mind Your Own Business & the other was named Trouble.

One day the two boys decided to play hide and seek.

Trouble hid while Mind Your Own Business counted to one hundred. Mind Your Own Business began looking for his brother behind garbage cans and bushes. Then he started looking in and under cars until a police man approached him and asked, “What are you doing?” “Playing a game,” the boy replied. “What is your name?” the officer questioned.

“Mind Your Own Business.”

Furious the policeman inquired, “Are you looking for trouble?!” The boy replied, “Why, yes.”

Q: Why was six scared of seven?

A: Because seven “ate” nine.

Instead of “the John,” I call my toilet “the Jim.” That way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim first thing every morning.

Totally useless fact: The praying mantis is the only insect that can turn its head.

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You know, Dr says I’m af . Phil ra commitmen id of t. to help pr ..Want ove him wrong?

Baby, you’re so sweet, you look put Hershe s p i l y’s Your outta y, l e n o l so ey business. h t d l u wo t ee m o t like mine?

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Totally useless fact: In Disney’s Fantasia, the Sorcerer’s name is “Yensid” (Disney backwards.)

What in the world?

How do you pronounce the second vowel in “pajamas”?

Rhymes with the “AH” Sound in “Father”.

Rhymes with the “AM” Sound in “Jam”.

Totally useless fact: In The Empire Strikes Back there is a potato hidden in the asteroid field.

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