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Who’s Jack is a multi media platform that encompasses a monthly London centric magazine, both online and in print, a blog style website and Jack TV which is unique in the way it offers click to buy opportunities alongside bespoke content. This, as well as Facebook, Myspace groups, Twitter outreach, events, launches and experiential opportunities make Who’s Jack Ltd one hell of an umbrella.

As usual, it’s been a busy month and it’s not quite clear in fact how it is already a new one. Terrible disasters in Haitia have led to a plethora of benefit gigs all over the shop to raise money for the cause. Nice to see everyone doing their bit. We are still not sure however of Simon Cowells ‘bit’, no one seems overly impressed that a U2 track is gong to be released, yet again. We, the Jack team are also massively happy about the congrats that go out to Fin AKA Starsmith and Ellie Goulding this month, our cover stars of Oct. They sped through the end of last year as some of the brightest shining potential on offer and are now ready, no doubt to conquer 2010. Other congratulations go out to Josh Weller, who after having a chat to us for our music feature last issue, went on to sign his publishing deal on Jan 18th. Best of ongoing luck to all. We told you 2010 was something to get excited about. Other things to be excited about are our new stockists listed on the opposite page and the fact that, ever so soon we will be giving you news of a collaboration with the excellent Chateau Roux. Get ready to wear Jack on your back.

Jack Loves You More.

Lu x




Whether you are a band, a brand, a designer or simply want to tell us about something, get in touch. General enquiries can be sent to: press@whos-jack.co.uk, contributions can be sent to: c o n t r i b u t i o n s . j a ck @ googlemail.com, finally, advertising enquiries can be sent to: john@whos-jack.co.uk. Who’s Jack likes a good collaboration, event or campaign. We can work with you or for you. Get in touch.

/ ON JACK TV THIS MONTH Jack TV has been a bit quiet. For those that don’t know, we have been swapping over servers so we can accommodate more of you at a faster speed! So this month you can expect a flurry of new programs. What to watch out for: catch James talking to Alex Metric and Brodie chatting military coats. Also go behind the scenes of our February fashion shoot and the Little Bit of Tom Jones premier with new presenter Yohan.

Phillipa Abbott Journalist

Barry Macdonald Photographer

Ronnie Joice DJ/promoter

Phillipa is the lady that gives you a little bit of her liver each month as she tests the cocktails the capital has to offer. She’s the gal to listen to when it come to where to go and were not to. You will most likely find her in the kookiest of bars getting advice on how to make the perfect drink.

Barry started out doing a lot of our band shoots but now we feel he has found his forte in editorial shoots and photo stories. Last month he tackled deserted London, this month, Soho. We would have had a dominatrix as well if we had found a boy willing.

What to say about Mr Joice? Ronnie has been a Jack friend for a while now, doing columns in the early days and now telling us what he loves and loathes about London. You can generally find him at the Flowerpot on a Saturday putting on his night, Ronnkie Pop.


/ ISSUE 33 . FEBRUARY / 2010

folloown us tter Twi r . c o m /

te t w i t mag . w ww jack whos


#5. Jack Loves.............................................Ana Rajcevic. #6. Music.....................................................When Har Mar met Tamlin. #9. Film........................................................Mark tells us what’s coming out this month. #11. Boys Fashion.........................................Jason on this seasons men’s coats. #12. Creative Dynamite...............................Ruthie talks to artist and director Yoda, Simon Henwood. #14. Fashion..................................................’He whose face gives no late shall never be a star.’ #22. Pick of The Month.................................Studs, phones and events. #24. Kredit Krunch Katwalk.........................We introduce you to Georgie and James and their wardrobe changing powers. #26. Actor Profile..........................................Jess Robinson talks inpressions. #30. My London...........................................Ronnie Joice tells us what he loves and loathes. #32. Soho......................................................The alternative to a lonely 14th Feb. Make some money, spend some money. #40. Stalkers.................................................A few of us have had them, no one enjoys them. #42. Survielence...........................................Tracking our loved ones. #43 Happy Valentines..................................Marco looks at the history behind the big V. #43. Love Potion...........................................Cocktails at home for those in love and love lorn. #44. Leila Loves prt 1....................................Tights. #46. Secret London......................................The Speakeasy, our pick of the best secret bars in the capital. #48. Fashion..................................................In the throws of fashion. #60. The Recession Bares it’s Fangs............A look at the rising popularity of the fang, Jenni suggests it’s all from lack of funds. #61. Leils Loves Prt 2....................................Shoes, the clog trend to be specific. #63. The Grumpy Man’s Grievances...........Our grumpy man, known only as Cantface tells us his grievances. #64. My 2-4-6 Pound Life.............................What our lady got up to, or rather didn’t get up to on New Years Eve. #65. Music Review One Liners...................The best, the alright and the worst of music this month. #65. Baked Beans and Champagne...........Pandemonia, the lifesized blow up doll. #66. Venus is a Boy......................................Erin has a look at the treatments promising men a fresher look for 2010. #69. The UBF.................................................Photo Story looking at the Coffee Elite by Victor. #74. Yesand...................................................The Film that’s starting at the end and working backwards. #76. Capital Cocktails....................................Hawksmoor. #77. Classic Cocktails...................................We’ve told you the items needed to make your own bar, this month we use them. #78. Arthur Cadaver....................................The next installment in Marco’s segmented novel. #80. I Love you For Loving Me...................Erin talks relationships and Mariah. #82. Scenestealer.........................................Exhibitionism at Somerset House.


Size? - (in London stores) : Beyond the Valley : Number 22 : Paper Dress : 55 DSL: Camden Blues Kitchen: Old Queens Head:

Carnaby Street, Soho, W1F 7DW 200 Portobello Road, Notting Hill, W11 1LB 37a Neal Street, Covent Garden, WC2H 9PR www.size.co.uk 2 Newburgh Street, W1F 7RD www.beyondthevalley.com 22 Carnaby Street, London, W1 114-116 Curtain Road, EC2A 3AY www.paperdressboutique.blogspot.com 10A Newburgh St London, W1F 7RN www.55dsl.com 111 - 113 Camden High Street, NW1 7JN www.theblueskitchen.com 44 Essex Road, Islington, N1 8LN www.theoldqueenshead.com

Chateau Roux: Shock and Soul: Howies: The Westbury:

17 Newburgh Street, London, W1F 7RZ www.chateauroux.co.uk 46 Essex Road, Islington, N1 8LN www.shockandsoul.co.uk 42 Carnaby Street, W1F 7DY www.howies.co.uk 34 Kilburn High Street, NW6 5UA www.westburybar.com

See an up to the minute list of stockists online, if you would like to stock Who’s jack contact:: press@whos-jack.co.uk



Editor/Creative Director : Lu Orcheston-Findlay : louise@whos-jack.co.uk // Deputy Editor : Laura Hills : laura@whos-jack.co.uk // Advertising : John Parkes : john@whos-jack.co.uk // Contributing Features Editor : Josh Spero : jpspero@yahoo.com Contributing Fashion Editor : Aradia Crockett : aradia.crockett@googlemail.com Music : James Lynch : james@whos-jack.co.uk // Pick Of : Lu Orcheston-Findlay : louise@whos-jack.co.uk // Laura Hills : laura@whos-jack.co.uk Fashion Comment : Leila Dante Hartley : leila@whos-jack.co.uk // Stylists : Lu Orcheston-Findlay : louise@whos-jack.co.uk // Aartthie Mahakuperan : Arti@whos-jack.co.uk // Beata Hadas : www.hadasbeata.pl // Georgie and James // Anna Hirsh General Comment : Adam Roan Henderson : adam@ whos-jack.co.uk // Photography : Barry Macdonald : www.barrymacdonald. co.uk : info@barrymacdonald.co.uk // Kristoffer Myhre : www.krismyhre.com // Stuart Leech : www.music-photos. co.uk // lu-xx.com // Eddie Jacob : www.eddiejacob.co.uk // Victor Frankowski : vicfrankowski@gmail.com // Joanna Marach : www.joanna-marach.com // Andrea Bono Tempo // Tom Mattey // Daniela Heinrich // Derek Miller // Alan Thomas // Contributing writers : Marco Casadei // Jason Gregory // Ruthie Holloway // Lucy Hancock // Jo Hunt // Jeremy Williams // Mark Williams // Philippa Abbott // Erin Daniel Mckee : erin@erindmckee.com // Donna Marie Howard // www.twitter.com/cantface // Jenni Lewis // Georgie and James // Jessica Ainlay // Doireann Ronayne // Neda Shadanlou www.neda-shadanlou.blogspot.com // Ronnie Joice // Contributing Stylists : Beata Hadas : www.hadasbeata.pl // Aradia Crockett : www.fashionstylists.co.uk Illustrations : James Lightfoot // Elliot Rooney : www.elliottrooney.com // Jack Walker : www.pandamilk.com // Models : Ada : Modelplus // Ewa : Mango // Scarlett Duggan : Girl Management // Yohan Agelou // Hair & Make up : Lukasz Mazolewski // Luke Stevens // // Joanna Bernacka-Pettit : www.joannabernacka.com // Sophie Hirsch Cover Image : Kristoffer Myhre Want to see your work in Jack? Contributions : contributions.jack@googlemail.com Thanks to : Will Rose and his beautiful flat // Kas // Tamlin // Jenni for trekking around sex shops with us and Danny for being on hand at the last minute. Who’s Jack Ltd All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced in whole or in part with out the permission of Who’s Jack. The opinions expressed in this magazine are not necessarily the opinions of Who’s Jack. Who’s Jack Ltd can not be held responsible for any breach of copyright arising from any material supplied. Who’s Jack, 93 Barker Drive, Camden, London, NW1 0JG

We’ll start with what everyone’s been talking about- cold snow and ice, lots of ice and then some more snow, and then some frost. We’ve had enough. The winter weather has ruined our journeys into work, our nights out (including one of our New Years Eve nights excursions ending in a spectacular display of the splits much to the humour of everyone else and to our absolute embarrassment) and our health. Finishing all the Twilight books has been a bit crap, meaning no more Edward Cullen to see us through the cold nights. For final winter themed sh*t, we include curtains getting stuck to windows with ice and the stairs leading to our houses being so slippery we literally had to crawl up them. We’ll leave it there. All in all, this month we have been threatened in the name of a couple of brightly coloured trays, charming. Also, Laura, whilst carrying several bags of clothes for a photo shoot managed to fall off the side of the pavement and sprain her ankle resulting in her having to spend the last few weeks with an ice pack attached to it, strapped together with a pair of boys braces. Lucky we had such things in the office really! Teen angst is another thing that’s really been getting to us this cold month. Even if you are under the age of 18 or more importantly over the age of 20, with nothing better to do with your time than stand around on street corners drinking there’s no need for your angry outbursts and ‘woe-is-me’ attitude to life. Sh*t song of the month goes to The Owl City song (Fire Flies??), everyone’s raving about it but we simply just don’t get it, to be blunt, it’s sh*t. Once again it’s Valentines Day meaning if you’re attached you feel compelled to torture yourself thinking of something great to do that won’t cost an arm and a leg and if you’re single you torture yourself wondering what you can do that won’t end in some Bridget Jones drunken rabble or... where best to go to find a meaningless V day bed friend. The whole lot of it, whichever situation you find yourself in, it deserves to be in here. This month we’ve also been told by one not so admiring subscriber that we’re ‘wack’ but not in a good way. And lastly a special nod goes to whoever stole Lu’s purse and rinsed her account of £400. We hope you choke on it.



Ana Rajcevic. We realised we are hitting Serbia when we had an email about this excellent designer. Aparently a fan of the mag, we loved her work so much we just had to get it in. Not only is Ana a designer but also, sculptor and fashion artist. Her current collection Unhuman is beautiful yet dark with exquisite detailing and sculptured forms. Expect a collaborative shoot sometime in March. See more here www.anarajcevic.com/costume.



Words: Laura Hills Interview by: Tamlin Mcgee Pictures: Derek Miller




Would he spontaneously strip off treating us all to a lap dance and our own personal rendition of Sex Tape, Gangsters Want To Cuddle Me or any of his other songs? Or would he try and work some of his infamous charm which has worked on so many groupies in the past? To our surprise it was none of the above actually. When we met Mr Superstar he was dressed in jeans and a jumper nursing a rock n roll glass of Cranberry juice and much to our disappointment we saw not one of his nipples the entire time we were there! What follows is Tamlin’s sometimes awkward but mostly full of love, chat with Mr Superstar, watch the whole thing on Thisisjack.tv. Are we right in saying you’ve had a bit of a long day today? Yeah man. I’ve been shooting all day for channel Five doing the Gadget Show. They asked me to help them make a music video so I’ve been dancing around all day long. It’s all good. There’s kind of a few sides to you. The notorious Har Mar Superstar, the rockier version of that, Sean Na Na and just the everyday normal Sean Tillman. Which one are we meeting today? They’re kind of all the same person. Har Mar and Sean Na Na are just characters I created. I keep expecting you to strip off and rub your nipples or something. Well you never know... but I normally only do that when I’m being paid. Sorry! Sean Na Na a legendary Indie pop guy but Har Mar Superstar is more renowned for getting in your pants and going on dates with Kelly Osbourne. Which do you prefer? Erm. I don’t know. I’m the same guy no matter who I’m performing as but a lot more people concentrate on the Har Mar Superstar image more than Sean, the other side of me. I’d prefer it though if people concentrated more on the music than all that. You’ve written a lot of songs for different people. I heard you wrote one for Britney but she turned you down? Yeah that happened. It just wasn’t the right time but eh, what can you do? It happens. It’s coming up to Valentines day what do you think is a good way to spice things up in the bedroom? A dance maybe? Prostitutes. I’m a big fan of turning off the lights and seeing what happens. You just have to be sexy you know? Depending on what your interpretation of sexy is. What’s your interpretation of sexy? It depends on the situation really. [We were hoping for a sexy dance for the camera here... it didn’t happen] What about in this situation right now? How would you be sexy? I feel like I’m being set up a bit now…

You had an album out in October can you talk us through it? It’s more an electro / pop kind of a mixture of my first two albums. With a bit of a rock edge like the old days. I’ve heard lots of rumours about you bringing groupies backstage with you. Is there any truth in these filthy rumours? Of course! Why wouldn’t you? It happens a lot. I get quite a few offers which is nice. I get given blow jobs quite a lot. No ones going to turn that down are they? You took Kelly Osbourne on a date in 2002, did you get in her pants? It wasn’t a date as such, we went out more as friends. I took her to an awards show I think. So I wasn’t really trying it on with her. Have you got into any celebrities pants? I wouldn’t possibly be able to say. I wouldn’t like to kiss and tell. What sort of music do you prefer? The more rocky stuff or the pop and R ‘n’ B stuff you’re better known for? I’ve always loved making really noisy, guitar based stuff but when I started off in music that’s what was happening and what people were into which was really fun. But then I started Sean Na Na and concentrated more on pop kind of vibes. I got a bit bored of the indie stuff I was doing before. I realised that when I’d finished doing shows and we’d go back and have parties the sort of stuff people would sing along to and want to hear was TLC and stuff like that. I realised that was the market people were moving in to. You’ve opened gigs for some amazing people including Interpol and The Strokes, can we expect to see them opening for you? It’s great for me because I love working with different people. I love The Strokes and we may even be collaborating on some stuff which would be brilliant but as for them opening for me? I doubt it. So have you been touring London at all? I just finished a UK tour which was great. I’m pretty tired now though. I’ve got a good reception too. London’s great, I have some loyal fans here. Is there anyone about at the moment that you really like? I like Miike Snow, his albums pretty good. There’s a band called Bang Bang Etch who I’m really into at the moment. Do people normally start talking to you with an expectation of you being pretty outrageous rather than just a chilled our normal guy? Yeah I guess people do, for sure. But I’m not really like that at all. It’s just a character I created. I’m much quieter and more relaxed than all that so don’t believe all you read. Don’t believe it at all.

Are you more of a sit at home with a mug of Horlix guy then? It depends what time of the day it is! Are you working on any new material at the moment? Musically I’m not working on much but I am working on a new sitcom with Ellen Paige from Juno so when I get back to LA I am going to be revising the pilot scripts for that. It’s about a girl moving to a new town and her bid to be accepted there. I play the neighbour. Now this is an important question… What’s your favourite type of cat? Oh it’s got to be the Puma hasn’t it? Lastly, is Who’s Jack your favourite magazine? Yes by far my favourite. It’s great. I love it and I’m having the best time with you. Have you had a nice time? Of course. You’re the best Har Mar Superstar we’ve ever met. Thank you.


words: Mark Williams

So, welcome to Jack’s new film column, hoping to point you all in the direction of a few cinematic nuggets of pleasure that could otherwise sneak by unnoticed. The idea is to give a bit of a shout out to those films that may not have the million dollar marketing budgets. We’re no elitists here at Who’s Jack though, so if a film is worth getting excited about and does happen to have a budget that could end the recession we’ll probably rave about that too. Personally, I’ve been excited about The Expendables for months now (think every action star of the eighties in one ridiculous film!) but you’ll have to wait until August for that beast… What you won’t have to wait until August for is No One Knows About Persian Cats, an Iranian film that was awarded a special jury prize at Cannes last year. Shot in a documentary style, it focuses on two young musicians, Negar and Ashkan who are a prominent band on the underground indie scene in Iran. A scene that has to be underground, because the president Mahmud Ahmadinejad, made western-influenced rock music illegal early in his reign. Still, just as booze flourished in the ‘speakeasy’ bars of the American 1920’s during prohibition, this film aims to prove that Iran’s music can hold its own regardless of the restrictions imposed on it. Based on the Stieg Larsson novel of the same name, The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo is a Swedish crime thriller, that centres around the unlikely partnership of a young female computer hacker and a middle aged journalist-turneddetective. Surprisingly for a book trilogy that has sold so well all over the world, Hollywood has not managed to get its sticky paws on this one and so this is very much a Swedish produced film. www.TheGirl.co.uk

For those harboring the belief that Colin Farrell is actually quite an entertaining actor after seeing In Bruges, the lightly surreal Irish movie Ondine will be worth a look. The tale of a fisherman who pulls in his nets only to find he’s caught a lovely lady in there too, Ondine promises to be a low-key, somewhat whimsical affair. The name Ondine comes from ye olde mythology based on female water-nymphs so that might give some indication as to what fisherman Farrell has dredged up, but it doesn’t seem like this film is going to be the Irish Splash. Think less Daryl Hannah and more moody cinematography for this Neil Jordan directed tale. www.teaser-trailer.com/2009/08/ondinemovie.html Although on first glance My Last Five Girlfriends looks like Richard Curtis-esque rom-com tosh, it may actually be a surprise hit of March. Happily it has absolutely nothing to do with Curtis or Hugh “awfully n-n-nice to meet you” Grant, but instead features a cast of young British actors, and stars a relatively 9 unknown Brendan Patricks, playing the central protagonist Duncan. The online trailer suggests that you might be able to look past the dodgy rom-com name to a decent, witty story but then again, the trailer for Johnny English made the film look OK. After ninety laughter-free minutes that were so bad I wished I kept a cyanide pill for such occasions, I learnt that trailers can be grossly misleading… www.imdb.com/title/tt1050002/ Finally, this month’s award for ‘Why are they allowed to make this crap, whyoh-why?!’ goes to Season of the Witch, starring none other than Nicholas Cage. There was once a time, a more innocent and carefree time, when Nicholas Cage was a decent actor who didn’t star exclusively in sub-standard action films. His hairline was a few inches closer to his eyebrows and he could be found in pleasing movies such as Raising Arizona or Adaptation. Those days are well and truly gone my friends, and now a film starring Mr Cage is usually about as appealing a prospect as having a pineapple forcibly inserted into oneself, spiky end first. Season of the Witch is just such a film and looks like a simpleton love-child of Highlander, Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves and The Da Vinci Code. Incidentally The Da Vinci Code is one of the few films that manages to be worse than its porn counterpart The Da Vinci Load. www.seasonofthewitchfilm.com

spring style Shop for over 80 top menSwear brandS at my-wardrobe.com including acne, apc, b-store, burberry, cold method, garbstore, lyle&scott, marc by marc jacobs, mcq alexander mcqueen, mulberry, nudie jeans, paul smith london, polo ralph lauren, vivienne westwood

Quite coat-ent For as long as I can remember, I’ve had a rather mixed relationship with coats. When I was a child, for example, they seemed little more than an unnecessary accessory; children don’t feel the cold, they brazenly embrace it and then go and jump in a puddle. Back then, life for a tween (if we’re going to use the modern, post-High School Musical lingo) was all about action figures, computer games and picking your nose in public, not boring ubiquitous macs or doublebreasted full-length overcoats. But, as I made the transition from carefree adolescent into an overwhelmed and self-conscious adult, my stance changed. I started posing rhetorical climate-based questions to friends like, “There’s a chill in the air this evening, isn’t there?” and would reach for an insulated gilet if there was any hint of a

Jason Gregory


slight gust of wind. Worse of all, a puddle was no longer a plaything but a whopping big obstacle designed to cause either maximum damage or maximum humiliation - or, in my case, both. Suddenly, wearing a coat seemed mandatory and, if I’m honest, at times rather enjoyable. You can imagine my delight, therefore, when designers forecast this winter as the winter of the coat. And I don’t mean your boring, “I had to wear this because Mum told me I wouldn’t be able to come out and play otherwise, coat.” No, the winter from which we’re now emerging has been all about dynamic, vibrant and altogether stylish coats - from military-inspired pea coats to classic 60s’ trenches and just about every other previously forgotten design in between. One coat, however, has stood out above all of the others this season: the duffle. Originally worn by the Royal Navy in World War One (the walrus teeth toggles were easy to fasten in cold seas), the duffle coat’s versatility and practicality has made it this winter’s must-have. Fortunately, because this is Britain and February where it’s still very much winter, it’s not too late to jump on board either. Those in search of traditional thigh-length designs should head to Tommy Hilfiger, while both ASOS and Margaret Howell offer modish cropped duffels. As for colour, shun conventional navy blue in favour of royal greens and cream - or, if you’re feeling particularly experimental, try a country tweed finish. You never know, like me, you might also warm to the idea of coats.


C R E AT I V E D Y N A M I T E : R AT E D - R

“If Yoda was an artist he’d be Simon Henwood” words: Ruthie Holloway

“If Yoda was an artist he’d be Simon Henwood,” Kanye West once said of the omnipotent, creative mind behind Rihanna’s fourth album, Rated R. Simon Henwood, also a successful fine artist as well as inspirational guru to the stars, is the distinguished artistic director behind his wife’s (Rosin Murphy) video and tour visuals and the Kanye West’s brand amongst many others. He has now been appointed overall creative director for the global imaging of Rihanna’s Rated-R tour this year. Not only has he produced the designs for the logo, album and video but he is now working on the stage design, costumes and background visuals for Rihanna’s world tour. Amidst one of my I-wouldn’t-mind-your-job moments, which I often get when I am interviewing very-good-at-their-job Creatives, I find out exactly how Henwood works his magic as an art director in the music industry. He also reveals what it’s like working so closely with one of the most high profile artists in music for her Rated R tour. Henwood has been a painter and filmmaker for over twenty years, and works closely with the performer to get the right themes and imagery for each project he works on. He landed the job with Rihanna through his work with Kanye West in the Love Lockdown video. ‘[Rihanna’s], It’s her most personal album yet and quite dark in places, so it is exciting to go down that route with such a high profile artist,’ he says. And the research part of it sounds pretty fun. ‘We started by going to Paris fashion week together and meeting with various designers. Each part of the project has to link up in some way and her performance is centre to it.’ But it’s not all glamour and catwalks. Henwood definitely puts the hours in before any of the fun stuff starts, often spending months with the artist before the project takes form: ‘I think it’s very important to get to know someone first before committing to work with them,’ he says. He’s even gone so far as to take Kanye to the Opera when he’s spent time in London. ‘One thing we share,’ he tells me, ‘is having an open mind when it comes to new cultures and ways of looking at something.’ It is hard, and possibly comical, imagining Kanye West at the Opera but impressive none the less! In such a high position and loaded with creative responsibility, you’ve got to know a lot about a lot, and Henwood who admits he is ‘a consumer of information’, certainly does. Impressively, he has a library of around 25,000 books and ‘always refers back to history’ for inspiration. ‘You always find the best ideas there.’ You can appreciate aesthetically and visually the results of Henwood’s work for Rihanna’s Rated-R tour in a photographic book, to be published by Rizzoli this year. Keep an eye out for this creative force’s next moves - this ‘Yoda’ as Kanye West has dubbed him, has definitely got more exciting projects with even larger artists coming up later this year. www.simonhenwood.com


He whose face gives no light, Shall never become a star. Blake Proverbs of hell


images : Joanna Marach hair : Lukasz Mazolewski make-up : Joanna Bernacka-Pettit Styling : Beata Hadas models : Ada : Modelplus Ewa : Mango





We have been trying to think of when we last saw a Blackberry that wasn’t black and the answer is, we don’t remember. So think of our excitement when this was sent over! Hopefully we’ll see even more varieties soon, at least then we’ll stop picking up one anothers by mistake!.

Let’s face it; now-a-days everyone has an iPhone so make yours original with a Novoskin. They come in loads of different colours, finishes (including diamonte, metalic and plastic) and different designs. They also sell skins for iPods and consoles. Best of all they’re pretty cheap. Prices start at £9.99 www.novoskins.com

Fed up of never being able to find both pairs of shoes or most of them getting squashed and destroyed at the back of your wardrobe? This shoe wheel by Tszuji is putting a stop to all of those problems. It stores up to 30 pairs of shoes within clear expandable pouches and comes in four different colours. Prices start at £44.95 www.tszuji.co.uk

You boys fancy some valentines fashion too? This red puffa should get the senses going! Perfect for gallantly offering too a date when she starts to shiver, though be careful - you may not get it back. What better way to brighten up a dreary February? Barbor at Mywardrobe www.mywardrobe.com £85.00

We are punching a bit above budget here but this jacket with attached waistcoat is so smart it couldn’t go untold. Besides, if you do want to splash out on a loved one or possibly make an extra special impression this wool blazer with attached waistcoat is the definite smart casual show stopper. Vivienne Westwood at Mywardrobe www.mywardrobe.com

These boots from I don’t like Mondays (our new favourite international online store) are, in a word, amazing. We want more than any other boot we’ve seen this month. What better way to get your fair share of studs into your outfit? www.idontlikemondays.us £296

Continuing the overpriced but not over rated theme are these Phillip Lim, studded leather gloves. They come in at a slightly painful £360 but no one can deny their beauty. Available at net-a porter. www.net-a-porter.com


If you love your feet, or care about the lady in your life, these foldable ballerina shoes-in-a-purse the ‘Ribbons’ collection by CocoRose London are ideal. Four choices of coloured grosgrain ribbon edging are available in delicate pastel shades (above is aqua). Housed in a perfectly sized purse that can be stashed away in your bag until your high heels hurt! A seperate satin bag, folded inside a slit in the purse, prevents your heels making a mess of your bag. www.cocoroselondon.com £30-£35


Studs, your not going to get away from them any time soon. This cuff is perfect for boys or girls to get some of that spiky stuff into your wardrobe. www.80spurple.com £70

Animation Awards

JACK’S PICK OF THE MONTH Feel like a bit of backseat cinema fondling this February the 14th? Or maybe you just want a chance to get someone on their own in a darkened room? Why not go for something with a bit of the arts thrown in for good measure. At cinemas all over the UK in February the British Animation Awards will be showing a mixed selection of their entries and you put your own votes forward for things like the public choice award for best commercial or music video. These things always throw up some excellent animation and are not to be missed, even if you are stuck to someone’s face at the time, keep one eye on the screen. Public Choice screenings start on 8th February and play at 27 locations across the country on various dates until the end of the month. Full details can be found on the website. The British Animation Awards night will be held on 8th April 2010 in London. www.britishanimationawards.com

Gavin Bond : Music

23rd February – 21st March 2010 Idea Generation Gallery, 11 Chance Street, E2 7JB Monday to Friday: 12pm - 6pm / Saturday & Sunday: 12pm – 5pm www.gavinbondphotography.com / www.ideageneration.co.uk

This month Scream gallery hosts internationally acclaimed artist Russell Young’s major solo exhibition, Diamond Dust runs from 4th February –13th. Young has created a unique piece just for the gallery entitled Dirty Pretty Things and featuring Mick Jagger. Young uses diamond dust within his paint capturing celebrities and giving them a glittering, glistening star quality. Never far from controversy, Young, at last year’s Miami Art Basel, explored the negative side of our culture in a live performance. Soaked in sweat and tears Young demonstrated his unique screenprinting style, using his own blood to create screen prints of guns. www.screamlondon.com

Last issue we told you about the excellent exhibition holding talents of Idea Generation. Their next exhibition is to show the work of renowned photographer Gavin Bond. ‘Music’ will be running from the 23rd February – 21st March. The exhibition will contain never before seen in the UK images of the greatest Rock ‘n’ Roll artists of the last decade, featuring U2, The Killers, Kings of Leon, Grace Jones and Katy Perry to name a few. Gavin Bond is one of the UK’s most successful contemporary photographers 23 having shot highly intimate and exciting images of many of the last decade’s most celebrated icons. From phenomenal front covers for leading music magazine Q and fashion magazine GQ, through arresting imagery for hit HBO dramas, to behind-the-scenes reportage of catwalk shows and concerts around the globe, Bond’s work has captured the hip zeitgeist of the Noughties.

“I’ve never had a problem with drugs. I’ve had problems with the police”

I N T RO D U C I N G AND THE KREDIT KRUNCH KATWALK KREW We met Georgie and James a month or so ago at the Smartbox adventure day which we lost. They told us about what they do to peoples wardrobes and it sounded pretty good so we said they should tell you about it:

Not only reacquainting you with your inner child, but also taking on board those current concerns such as sustainability and recycling. More important than all that- it’s a lot of fun!

As the tightening of belts is currently permeating most minds, and sustainability and recycling are becoming key issues for the planet, the Kredit Krunch Katwalk Krew is a movement of human instrumentality that aims to reinvent the way you look at your old clothes without spending more money or further polluting the planet by traveling to the shops. Whilst getting lost in the myriad of modern living, consumer and disposable culture you may have forgotten the nostalgia of childhood and the playful innocence of the kiddy inventiveness you once had. The Katwalk Krew will take you back through time, to a place where dressing up and being inventive and playful is no longer a distant echo.


ANANSI MAN wears ‘waterfall drape’ asymmetric top by GeorgieandJames, purple 3/4 length trousers by Bernard Wilheim, shoes by Alfredo Bannister

It is a dark time for the human world. In between the chav attacks, terrorism and wars, the human race was suffering from the dreaded ‘Kredit Krunch’, sapping at the will of the people. Since the Dark Lord Thatcher lost her one ring to rule them all, the humans had been a happy lot, enjoying the slow burn of climate change... warmer summers meant more bikinis and barbecues, as well as Aussie themed Christmasses. But then the skies drew dark, and the presence known as ‘the Kredit Krunch’ began chewing at the fabric of the humans previously unclouded reality. Much like “The Nothing” from The Never Ending Story, its presence could be felt by all. Some fell to it. Some escaped.

SUPER U OWE ME MONEY MAN : cropped archive military jacket, wood veneer print satin vintage bomber, Kim Jones shorts, ltd edt Gold Rudolph Dassler boots, Las Vegas sunglasses

Will you be a Hero? Or a Villain? Using your own wardrobe, these two shape shifters from the future will surprise and delight you with a transformation that will change your life and enlighten your soul! You will forget about the trials of modern life, join the side of good, fighting for justice, or be seduced by the darkness of evil.... Georgie and James will decide! You will not only get a super power look but you’ll go down in history as part of the Kredit Krunch Katwalk Krew. If you would like Georgie and James to come to your house and transform your wardrobe, email georgienjames@googlemail.com

How will the human race ever free themselves from the terrible chains that bind them to this KRUNCH!?! The Kredit Krunch Katwalk Krew is your answer. A simple band of ever growing heroes, dedicated to smite the KRUNCH down with their weapons of fashion justice! However, a number of the human world have resigned themselves to the KRUNCH. Now known as The Kredit Krunch Katwalk Krew villains. Now it is time. Time to choose a side. Nominate, don’t hesitate. Will you be a Kredit Krunch Katwalk Krew Hero? Or Villain?




Words: Jeremy Williams Images: Kristoffer Mhyre

“I spend most my life laughing and it’s brilliant. It makes you an inherently happy person if you are laughing 80% of the day.” The Arts Ed alumni has had a lucky ride and knows that there is only one thing sums up the reason; “I push and I don’t give up. I am bit cheeky sometimes.” She credits her mother, a typical Jewish woman who doesn’t stop till she gets what she wants, for her sheer determination, but notes that she has also learnt a lot from her Grandmother. “My Grandma escaped from Germany during the war with a load of orphans, so when I hear her story and how she had to fight and not stop, that sort of mentality started me off, you have to fight for what you want.” Given her current rising star status, it appears that spending her time “pushing and knocking down doors” is reaping much deserved rewards. However, comedy and impressions were never the end goal. “I thought that I wanted to do sort of straight musical theatre or session singing, maybe something like that. My agent was in the year above me, funnily enough, and he always said to me, even back then that I should be doing comedy. When I finally signed with him a couple of years ago, he started to really push that. He was completely right. He’s amazing, my agent. Even at 16 or 17, he was like a 40 year old trapped in a teenager’s body. He just knows. He’s very good at that. Even with a friend sign posting her in the comedy direction, the ball never fully dropped for Jess who dreamed of singing. Though, when looking back she realises that maybe deep down she had known but just never wished to admit it to herself. “I suppose, when I was growing up and still in a kind of musical theatre zone, I really loved Bernadette Peters, because actually she is really funny. It is her comic timing, which at the time I didn’t realise. She has a beautiful voice and everything, but the acting and the comedy that she can bring out is really fantastic.” “There are lots of my peers and friends that do musical theatre and have wonderful voices. My voice is as good as theirs, but when I think about it I am just like everyone else in that respect.” With an idol who excelled at both the comedy and the singing, it slowly dawned on Jess that she needed something that would set her apart from the crowd. It is said that everything in life is pre-determined, which might explain how “Little Voice” landed at Jess’s door. “I played Little Voice at The Courtyard Theatre (Hereford) and the Lady Geraldine McNaughty, who was playing Mum knows Bill Dare, who was producer of “Dead Ringers” at the time. So she sent me his details and I sent him a voice reel. I was knocking down the door and finally he agreed to see me. Then I got the last couple of series of “Dead Ringers”.” The rest, as they say, is history. Though Jess has now switched her focus from musical theatre, she is thankful for the training that she had.

“I actually find it easier to do singing impressions, because I started out as a classical singer. So in terms of the technique and where to place your voice, what to do with your voice box and throat, I find it easier.” Though there could also be another sneaky reason she prefers singing impressions as she concedes, “I think also because the notes are sustained, you get more of a shot at getting it right, if that makes sense.” Having found her “home” (she knows “that sounds a bit wanky”), Jess’s career trajectory seems to be propelling towards the skies at high speed. Though mainly down to Jess’s obvious talents, she is aware that she has been lucky to have work colleagues that have supported her along the way. Producer Bill Dare, in whose projects Jess has constantly been cast since her Dead Ringers debut is now a “good friend, very supportive and kind.” Similarly, she proudly admits that she has “worked with John Culshaw a lot since Dead Ringers. We kept in touch and he took me under his wing a bit. He says I’m his ‘ally’. He’s just absolutely lovely and so, so supportive. I think he’s helped me along the way really, just by putting me forward for things and getting me involved in things.” Even new co-star Debra Stephenson gets a big thumbs up. “It was really nice to work with a strong female impressionist who was so generous to somebody like me, which is something I sometimes haven’t found in the past. It was a real breath of fresh air.” Given that currently Jess is a performer as opposed to the writer of her current impressions show, it had to be asked if she dreaded seeing any characters in her script. “Dot Cotton” she admits hesitantly. “She is really difficult to do, maybe I haven’t given her a proper chance. I am one of those people who if they can’t do it straight away, I just give up, which is a really bad attitude. I had to practice her for something a while ago and found her really difficult.” As she explains, her frustration clearly grows. “That was really annoying for me, because so many people can do her and she’s got such a distinctive voice, that it was really annoying. I’ll have to give her another go.” Luckily Dot doesn’t crop up in Jess’s current role in pantomime Aladdin. Though rehearsals have just started for Aladdin, Jess, a seasoned panto performer, can hardly contain her excitement. “I met all the cast yesterday. Everyone’s very nice and talented and I saw the costumes. I think they are the best costumes I have ever seen for a panto. They are just so sparkley and colourful!” “I probably sound a bit pushy and career driven, I suppose I am. I have a lovely social life, but I only have two parts to my life, one’s social and one’s career. Both are as important as the other at the moment.” Whilst Aladdin is keeping her busy for now, Jess is clearly an ambitious, driven, talented performer who knows what she

wants from life and won’t stop till she gets there. “My ultimate goal is to have my own show where I can just prance around and maybe bring in my other skills, maybe some tap dancing and play lots of instruments. Do some sort of crazy impression show, I would absolutely love it.” As Jess sets all her building blocks into place, she is perfectly positioned to hone her skills with advice from one of the industry’s finest impressionists, Jon Culshaw. “He calls it downloading. When you are watching telly and just in the back of your mind, looking at how people are moving and talking, the way they move their mouths. Now I just do it with everyone, I cant help it, which can be very annoying. It’s just taking in the information like a sponge, then just sitting down and really thinking about it.” Though Jess has taken heed of the advice, she knows that everyone works differently and has tempered the method to suit her. “The way I do it, on my computer I will record a section of somebody speaking over and over again, and leave gaps for me to then copy and repeat it like a parrot. Then I’ll record myself and compare the voices. It’s a bit anal but that’s the way I do it.” Taking full advantage of her good fortune, Jess is setting the wheels in motion to be a household name. Stage one is writing her own show for Edinburgh Fridge. “It involves impressions, puppets and all sorts of odd things. I started off getting somebody to write it for me. But because I had been 27 thinking about it for so long (it had been in my head for about two years, just slowly simmering away at the back of my mind), when the writer got very busy and had to pull out for a bit, I actually thought I might just carry on and write it myself.” The show will hopefully raise her profile, ensuring that people are aware of her abilities. “I think if The Culshaw and Stephenson Show was a sitcom and I was in it as much as I am, but playing one character. I think the public would get to know me as an actress a lot quicker. But because I’m in different guises, I think people don’t know who I am particularly.” “A friend of mine said to me, it must be really hard because you have a weird face, really distinctive and weird. So it must be hard for them to make you into different characters!” Despite her apparently noticeable appearance, Jess has managed to remain anonymous. “I don’t really mind that though. I don’t know if I’d want to be a household name that was really, really famous or anything like that. I’d want to do my own show because I’d have an absolute ball doing it and I’d get respect from my peers. It would be a good kick start to a long career, I am planning on being like Thora Hird, well, not now, because she’s not here, but I am planning on having a long career and never drawing out a pension.”

If current evidence were to be used to predict her future, Jess may well end up achieving her goal. Speaking to Jess, her sheer determination is evident, but it is also distinctly clear that fun is at the heart of her aspirations. Jess loves what she does. She lives, breathes, eats and sleeps it. And lucky that she does, as the next 6 months will be jam-packed with everything from her role as Daphne the Dung Beetle in Secret Safari (“clearly the pinnacle of my career”) to a new series of Newsjack (“it has forced me to read the newspapers and form an opinion.

That’s made my dad very happy. I think he thinks I’m a bit of a bimbo sometimes.”) Hopefully this will all be rounded off with her solo show in Edinburgh, but if that clashes with filming for the new series of The Stephenson and Culshaw Show, then she’ll just have to do it another time, in London no doubt, because now she’s “invested too much time and brain power, which is limited as I am not very intelligent, so I have to do it. It would be good for me” and no doubt for anyone who gets to see it.


... My London In my opinion, London is the greatest city in the world. I have lived in New York and hated it. Worked in Milan on a regular basis and detested it. Been to Paris more times than you can shake a stick at but always returned feeling undernourished and a little too head-over-heels in love with someone to take it seriously. London is my home and it is where my heart is. It stole it at the tender age of eight, when I travelled up with my nan and dad along with packed sandwiches on a bus that seemed to take FOREVER to get there from Croydon. It is the most happening, vibrant and entertaining city I have experienced and I’ll never let a bad word be said about it. That said, no city is without it’s faults and here I share some with you.

J’s 148 Regent’s Park Road, Primrose Hill NW1 8XN. This is my all-time favourite restaurant in the world and I’ve eaten everywhere from The Ivy and Ciprani to Burger King in Waterloo and McDonald’s in Croydon so I think I’m qualified to rave about these guys. Possibly London’s best-kept secret, they are an Italian family who serve you with an arrogance usually only reserved for the French but the tastiest food you’ll ever try. Despite having a predominantly Italian menu they also offer a breakfast that is unrivaled. Not only in quality, but in price too. Then there is the awesome set lunch menu, I have yet to find anywhere that offers better value for money. Finally, dinner. Their pizzas are enough to make you eat there every day of the week. So much so, I once did - with my trusted Primrose Hill pilot friends Gregory and Benjamin. We ate every meal there for seven days and they didn’t even say thanks. Love it. Camden High Street at the weekend. It may shock a few people, but I’m not actually a fan of Camden. I think it’s dirty, smelly, full of posers, has beens, wannabes and most importantly, attracts the kind of tourist you just want to smack over the head with a shovel and throw directly into the canal where you hope they sink straight to the bottom, never to be seen again. Of course, that’s illegal and I’d never dream of actually doing it. But you just try and walk down Chalk Farm Road starting from Camden tube station to the market, even with the clearest of heads, by the time you’ve reached the Stables Market by the Lock, you’ll be filled with furious anger and have vowed to seek vengeance upon every idiot who has tried to flog you over-priced tat that you’ll never ever wear, use or look at ever again and each person that has smashed into you or stopped dead in front of you. In both senses of the word, it’s a mug’s dream. For the mugs, and for the muggers. Avoid at all costs, especially if you have high blood pressure. Hate it with a passion. The Flowerpot on Kentish Town Road Right, I’m a bit biased with this one seeing as it’s run by my mates and I run my weekly event there, Ronnkie Pop, but it really is one of the friendliest and most enjoyable places you could spend an evening in. Despite it’s uber-cool credentials and it’s clientele, many of whom grace the pages of ‘this mag’ and ‘that paper’ there is none of the pretension or animosity that most other pubs or clubs in the area suffer from. Strictly no guest list or favourites means that every gig they put on is free for

everyone and anyone to attend whether you attract column inches or not. You won’t see anyone’s daughter skipping the queue to get in, everyone’s equal and for that reason once you’re inside, everyone lets their hair down and generally has a fantastic night out. It’s a music venue run by musicians, DJs and music fans who care about who’s playing on the stage. I think you can measure the intention of a venue by the price of it’s Sambucca. That said, nowhere does it cheaper than The Flowerpot. Love it. The Number 29 Bus I’ve been unfortunate enough to live in some very suspect areas. None more suspect than Phillip Lane in Seven Sisters, not far from Wood Green tube station. Whilst I was only ever chased down the street once by a potential confrontation-to-be (to be fair I was pissing in the street, I was drunk) it was all in all a decidedly shady area that certainly left a lot to be desired. In these times of a credit crunch, the 29 bus serves as the cheapest mode of transport to get to Wood Green (mainly due to it being a ‘bendy bus’ and therefore easy to avoid paying a fare on. Not that Who’s Jack suggests you do this of course!). To get your sorry little head home after a night out on the tiles in many, many areas, one of which being the West End it should be a good ideal option. The route goes through Camden, Kentish Town, Holloway (home of the much-missed Nambucca, RIP, where I’d spend many a late-night lock-in), Finsbury Park and finally onto Wood Green signifying, for me, the time to get off and walk home, scared and making sure I had all my wits about me. Thing is, I actually spent most of those ‘should-be-terrifying’ walks home feeling utterly relieved that I’d survived the entire bus journey without being mugged, raped or pillaged by the mental cases that board the bus upon an evening. You see, they too share the same ideas as the sane, financially poor folk I prefer to associate myself with. Which leads to groups of youths jumping on at one stop, pointing at one poor unsuspecting member of the public, then mugging him for all he’s worth, and before the automatic doors have had a chance to close and the bus move on, they’re already off and half-way down the street. The strangest occurrence I witnessed was spending an entire journey having this foreign man simply spitting bits of monkey nuts at myself and my friend. When we asked him to stop, he simply said, “why not?” and then tried to sell us cheap cologne. Lesson? Avoid the 29 at all costs.

‘Proper’ London I’ve never had such an enchanting time as walking from Leicester Square, deep in the heart of Soho (my favourite area of London), into Trafalgar Square where you are surrounded by dozens of wide-eyed tourists, the type I actually like. Even as a full-time Londoner, I find myself enthralled every time I set sight upon the majestic statues and columns that make up the square, dedicated to one of our country’s finest naval victories. Heading down towards the river, alongside the beautiful white buildings that look like they were only just painted yesterday. I can’t explain how breath-taking I find the historical views on offer whilst heading across one of the many bridges. Then, to top it all off, you come out onto the vibrant South Bank, home of many attractions including the Tate Gallery and the London Eye. Continuing to walk alongside the South Bank towards Guy’s Hospital - this has a special place in my heart as my mother spent an entire summer when I was very young. Even though I know what’s at the end of my journey, I still can’t contain myself when I set eyes on the grandest clock I’ve ever known. Big Ben. Those Houses of Parliament, the cornerstone of British politics, filled with so much history and yet so much mystery we will certainly never uncover. I let my mind wander, my imagination take precedent and I get lost in my day dreams in the area what I would call, ‘Proper London’. The lack of chivalry I’d like to think I was brought up quite well. Not from monetary riches I’m afraid to say, but my siblings and I were certainly rich in love. One thing I always remember being taught is the power of politeness. If someone holds a door open for you, without thinking, you should thank them. More likely than ever now, I am the one holding the door and more often than not, the only acknowledgement for doing so is a look of disdain as if trying to work out why I bothered. It’s OK, I don’t mind. I do it because I want to, not because I’m fishing for gratitude from a random stranger. There is a distinct lack of chivalry in London. Us men are the worst. Pregnant and elderly women are no longer considered a priority when it comes to seats anymore. Even waiting for everyone to get off the tube before they get on is usually too much to ask for some people. No one told me when I moved to London that to get off a mode of public transport I have to push and shove people out of the way to get past, and if that doesn’t work, just tut loudly until whoever is in front of me does the same.


“A broken heart is a very pleasant complaint for

a man in London if he has

a comfortable income”



Strip Clubs… We’re not talking your typical Stringfellow type establishment, oh no, these strip clubs are far more… intimate. The first place we headed to was Sunset Strip on Dean Street. From the outside it looks like a fairly normal London bar full of men drinking pints and having a chat. As we got closer we noticed the men were in fact a bit grey in the face, donning pervy grins as they sat chatting to girls who were dressed in bikinis. We leave as soon as we see three men who are clearly three different generations of the same family entering. Next was Caipirinha where a questionable looking lady shows us around and offers us an audition at 10am the following morning. Inside the club looks more like a restaurant with a square bit of wood in the middle of the floor where girls dance naked while you eat. Nice. Hospitality: The people manning the doors of Soho’s strip joints are fairly charming and also pretty inconspicuous. They seemed fairly happy to have three girls asking to come in too. Ease of getting job: We managed to secure an audition in every place we asked. To stand the best chance of being seen we were assured mornings were the best time to catch the people in charge. Sexy Factor: 3/5 Who’s Jack Tip: The nice lady on the door of Caipirinha told us, and we quote, ‘All you need to do in your audition is keep moving and try and drop a couple of wiggles in. They like wiggles.’ So there you have it.

Sex Shops… If there’s one thing Soho is not short of it’s sex shops. Over the course of the night we visited a variety of shops ranging from the larger places to ones so small they were literally just a few rows of DVD’s. We were witness to a massive range of porn, everything from your run-of-the-mill late night

entertainment to granny, she man, rough schoolgirl and food porn. As well as the DVDs there were all the sex toys, costumes, restraints and general equipment possible to ensure the biggest sex filled Valentines night ever. Hospitality: Every member of staff we spoke to was pretty friendly and didn’t even pay much attention to our girlie giggling over titles such as ‘Return of the Big Titties 6’ and ‘French Pussie Cats.’ Ease of getting a job: Staff in the shops all tended to be students or people trying to get a bit of extra money by working a night job. The application process is the same as any shop job so go in and get an application form. Sexy Factor: 4/5 Who’s Jack Tip: Don’t go in expecting to be able to sample the porn on offer. We were told all TV screens were removed as too many men were coming in and jerking off in front of the screens.

Brothels… Much later in the night, when we were more under the influence of gin, we attempted to follow a sign on a door simply marked ‘Models’ with an arrow pointing upwards. At the top was a door which when knocked on was answered by a woman dressed in her see through bra and G string. Before we could think of what to say to her we heard a woman shouting in the background to shut the door on us. Turns out she’d spotted our photographer outside. Hospitality: The girl who first answered the door was polite enough, of course until her ‘friend’ spotted the rest of the Who’s Jack team outside. However, we can imagine that had we been legitimate clients they’d have happily carried on the conversation. Maybe offered us one of the fags the girl was puffing on and a seat on one of the many mattresses covering the floor. Ease of getting a job: We’d like to say we reached the point where we could have found this type of information out but sadly the door was indeed, slammed in our faces, however if that’s your thing we doubt you’d have too many problems. Sexy Factor: 0/5 Who’s Jack Tip: Leave the camera crew at home.




Every Breath You Take, Every Move You Make I’m Watching You…. words: Adam Roan Henderson layout : Pandamilk

Is there anything creepier than the thought that someone is always watching you? That man from the window opposite who has disappeared behind the curtain, the lady you’re sure you recognise that seems to be walking to exactly the same place as you, the car that is behind you on the way home just that bit longer than is comfortable.

The film and TV industries have made use of these fears in countless films and dramas. The main hook of the popular Big Brother series uses the paranoia that the government is always watching you and is based on George Orwell’s novel 1984. In the book, futuristic technology called ‘telescreens’ are used by the state to maintain surveillance. The huge advances in technology have made monitoring easier in the real world, not just for the government but for us to spy on each other too… I’m a bit of a cyber-stalker. Not a scary ‘heavy breathing phone call and follow you home from work’ stalker, but a stalker just the same. Whilst my own Facebook page has pretty much died a death I can’t help but be fascinated by everyone else’s. I’ve spent many a lunchtime guiltily trawling through my friends’ (and enemies’) Facebook profiles but there is no malice at the heart of it, just pure old fashion nosiness. Nasty cyber-stalking is on the increase however, and can involve spreading accusations on the internet, attempts to gather information about the victim and ordering goods and services in the victim’s name. This type of stalking can be very distressing but is difficult to prosecute due the problems of presenting electronic data in court. The tabloids often splash headlines of ‘celebrity stalker hell’ across their pages but it’s not just the rich and famous who suffer. 1.2 million women and 900,000 men in the UK each year are affected by the creepy crime. In America it is of such concern that they have named January National Stalking Awareness month. The American support group, The Stalking Resource Center define stalking as: ‘A course of conduct directed at a specific person that would cause a reasonable person to feel fear.’ I once had a stalker to call my own. At about fourteen years old I received a valentines card addressed ‘to the boy I watch every week walking to hockey practice’ signed ‘love from Eve’. This worried me twofold; firstly, some creepy girl who I’d never met had been perving at me in my shorts, secondly there was no way I was ever going to say “Hi I’m Adam, and this is my girlfriend Eve.” Thankfully after several weeks of taking alternative routes to practice and anxiously looking over my shoulder I heard nothing more.

It is the relentless nature of stalking that can make it so terrifying for victims, as the loopy obsessive Alex Forrest in Fatal Attraction states in the film, “This is not going to stop. It keeps going on and on.” Two thirds of stalkers pursue their victims at least once per week, many daily, using a variety of methods; malicious phone calls or harassing friends and relatives are just two examples. In Fatal Attraction the trouble begins when the character played by Glenn Close is spurned after a one-night stand, she then famously boils his pet rabbit. The majority of victims know their stalkers, three in four are being stalked by someone they know and 30% are stalked by their actual partners, current or past. So pick your lovers with care; as Shakespeare so succinctly put “misery acquaints a man with strange bedfellows”. Although many victims are frightened and embarrassed to talk about it 19% of women and 10% of men have suffered stalking at some point of their lives. If you are subject to stalking The Network for Surviving Stalking gives the following advice: • • • • •

Show no emotion Contact the local police If you feel in danger, call 999 Inform neighbors, friends, colleagues and relatives Gather evidence of texts, emails etc. Keep a diary.

So keep and eye out for bunny boilers, watch your privacy on the internet and don’t trust the government. Be good Jackers, you never know who’s watching… Oh yeah, and if you are stalking someone, stop. www.nss.org.uk/ www.ncvc.org/src/



Long gone are the days when the only ways to catch someone cheating are to walk in on your partner exchanging fluids with someone else, or following their car to a seedy location. It is now only a part of our ancient human past that a cheater can pull a Shaggy and claim, ‘It wasn’t me’. Our surveillance society guarantees that if you suspect your partner of cheating, there are a million and one ways to find out for sure, with Facebook, the most logical place to start. A picture is worth a thousand excuses, a late night wall post even moreso. A gut-feeling researched through a bit of light research on Facebook (or Bebo, Myspace, Twitter) can easily reveal enough to kill a relationship in one click. Take, for example the incensed Italian fiancée who plastered posters throughout Rome after she caught her husband-to-be nestling his head in another woman’s naked boobs on Facebook. Roughly translated the posters read: “Thank goodness there’s Facebook! At least I’ve discovered you’re a traitor pig before the wedding! Signed, your former betrothed bride and the 548 guests of our wedding.” Social Networking sites provide the perfect platform for sharing all elements of our lives, a bummer for those with something to hide, or an extra slice on the side if you know what I’m saying. Even if you are not a member of a social networking site, your friends most definitely are, making covering cheating tracks about as easy as writing in the sand in a hurricane. Apparently not all of us are on Facebook (I don’t know you, but you are out there), but government statistics estimate that there are 1.8 mobile phones per person in the UK. Everyone has and uses a mobile, and it is this technological device which has not only assisted in countless acts of infidelity, but equally exposes the betrayal as well.

Mobiles free cheaters up to make last minute plans and changes, and of course to exchange secret text messages. As Tiger learnt the hard way, however, the mobile is the best way to find out if your partner is dipping the pen in someone else’s ink. While Tiger’s wife simply discovered the text messages on his phone, most cheaters are better than that and erase their texts. There are limits to the amount of sneaky phone checks you can do, anyway. Technology has overcome this slight hitch and developed to such a degree that, what had been material for James Bond films in the past are now available to anyone online. The website www.world-tracker.com offers a pay-as-you-go tracking service. Register online, choose a number to track and find out the location of the mobile phone within 100mtrs within London. At Flexispy.com, mobile phones can be purchased with pre-installed software which provides SMS and call log tracking, and even a secret dial in number to call in and listen to any conversation, suspicious or not. All phone models are available, even the latest iPhone versions, and the owner of the phone would have no way to know the gift was not genuinely from the heart. Don’t trust online shopping as much as you don’t trust your partner? Visit Spymaster, a spy shop in Portman Square, Marylebone. While most clients of the shop are government agencies, large corporations or the recently burgled, the doors are open to wee punters of the betrayed kind, too. Here you can pick up the aforementioned Spy Phone, or how about a replacement electric socket which, while appearing to look like your average ordinary wall socket, has space for a SIM card to be inserted. Dial the number on the SIM and listen in to the conversation taking place in the room. Surveillance cameras and listening devices can be inserted into anything from an alarm clock to a tennis ball pack or even a fake pack of cigarettes (Marlboro Lights...obviously). If funds are limitless, so are the surveillance options available. Spymaster can supply their in-house

words : Jessica Ainlay

private investigator, or even a full on counter-surveillance team. If that is all a bit too bunny boiler, there are more traditional ways to find out if he or she is getting their bread buttered on both sides. From computer key logging software which logs all keystrokes entered so that you can uncover passwords and hack in to email accounts, to setting up a fake social networking account to ensnare them in the act with you, technology offers endless options to expose your cheating mate. However, once rid of your cheater, do you have the self control to stop the surveillance? If you’ve read this and taken notes, nodding your head with a clenched fist, uttering an ‘I’ll get you’, maybe not. What starts off as stalking in the name of self-preservation can be a slippery slope. Hi-tech surveillance options make proving the infidelity the easy part. It’s the inevitable social media stalking that follows after the break-up that is the most difficult, and the part you must prepare for the most. (see the piece on the previous page).


Happy Valentine’s... Here’s My Finger A long, long time ago there was a bunch guys called Romans who ruled the world. Before these Romans embraced Christianity some 17 centuries ago, Valentine’s was the celebration of Romulus, the founder of Rome, being suckled by a she-wolf, giving him strength and wisdom. Two youths would cover themselves in the blood of a freshly sacrificed dog and goat and then wash it off with milk. The kids would then proceed to lead a procession through the streets and hit people with bits of leather. When the Romans adopted Christianity this festival obviously lost its charm and was replaced by martyrs of love represented by Saint Valentine a monk that went against the grain and married soldiers when Claudius II clearly did not want them to be distracted by such things. He got caught, sentenced to death and refused the offer to reject his Christian beliefs of love and peace in exchange for a pardon. He was executed on the 14th February. Back in England, the end of winter would arrive halfway through February, the birds would start mating and young men would put flowers on girl’s windowsills and try to woo them. The Pope decided that the 14th would be the most applicable for a celebration and hence Valentine’s day was born. POW Several things bother me. One is that as a non-Christian are you supposed to celebrate this day? After all it is clearly a Christian celebration. What about if you are a Muslim? I’m pretty sure Allah would not be happy with any kind of celebration outside his clearly defined remit. As an atheist myself I too find it a little pointless. The art of love and giving is clearly a process that lasts eternally and not on particular days or have I missed the point? If we were to get anal about it, I suppose you could argue that I have little understanding of these celebrations, but this is the problem in itself. As an English citizen I am unaware of how to celebrate anything properly. What I see is streets littered with shops filled with crap branded with the face of cupid. It’s not love, it’s sales, it’s consumerism and the untrained mind gets sucked into it. So while all this love paraphernalia is slowly being put into position to ejaculate all over our faces, I suggest the following affirmative action. It is time we, the public showed these purveyors of cheap trinkets that we are one step ahead by NOT buying anything Valentine’s related. If we stop buying it, people will stop making it. Simple. For those of you in love, this day has no relevance to you. Instead celebrate the fact you are in love as much as possible all year round in the best way you possibly can while giving Valentine’s day the finger TOGETHER! Love Marco R Casadei

Whether your mixing up a heady love potion for that special one or commiserating your loneliness by making something so powerful it will knock you out, at least make it taste good. Here are a few cocktails for you to make at home if you want to be a little more adventurous than that vodka and coke or a gin and tonic. Discover the wonder that is Frangelico. From monastic heritage in Piedmont, Italy, this liqueur is the perfect way to say ‘I’m nuts about you’ A premium Italian hazelnut liqueur, Frangelico is also amazing neat, chilled, over ice or with lime.

Don Julio Tequila Let us not think of that cheap shot you did with your mates the other night that made you choke a bit. No, this is premium Tequila and will trickle down your throat like honey, especially in this cocktail. Don Julio Caesar • • •

1 ½ ounces Tequila Don Julio Blanco 1 pinch of fresh cilantro 1 jalapeño pepper sliced and seeded ½ ounce of fresh lime juice ½ ounce Grand Marnier ¼ ounce agave syrup 1 whole jalapeño for garnish

Rosario Cocktail

• • • •

Ingredients: • 1 shot Fresh strawberry puree, or 4 strawberries • 1 Shot Teichenne Butterscotch schnapps • 1 Shot Frangelico • 1 Shot cream

Method: Add Tequila Don Julio Blanco, Grand Marnier, cilantro, 6 jalapeño slices, and lime juice into a Boston shaker. Muddle well and add agave syrup. Shake well and strain into a highball glass and garnish with a jalapeño.

Method: Shake ingredients and double strain into a martini glass. Garnish with grated chocolate 70cl Frangelico retails at £11.99 and is available through Harvey Nichols, Waitrose and Selfridges

Ciroc Vodka Again, another king among it’s kind. Ideal for Martinis or, for those that like it neat, straight up. However for a bit of 43 Valentines umph try it as belowCherry Vodka Sour • • •

1 part Vodka 1 tbsp Grenadine 1 part Sweet and Sour Mix

Method: Place ice in a cocktail glass. Fill 1/2 the glass with Vodka and the rest of the glass (leaving 3 cm at the top) with sour mix. Add a tablespoon of Grenadine per 8 oz. glass. Garnish with an orange slice and cherry!

Opposite page, left to right. Red or Dead £11.99 : Tightsplease.co.uk Bebaroque £45.00 : Mytights.com Topshop £8.00 : Topshop.com Henry Holland/Pretty Polly : £10.00 Mytights.com This page top, clockwise Bebaroque £69.95 : Bebaroque.co.uk Jonathan Aston £12.95 : Mytights.com Bebaroque £59.95 : Bebaroque.co.uk Bebaroque £59.95 : Mytights.com Jonathan Aston £5.50 : Mytights.com Henry Holland/Pretty Polly £10.00 : Mytights.com Pamela Mann £7.99 : Mytights.com

images: Leila Dante Hartley model: Annie Couchman


45 45

words: Laura Hills illistration : Elliott Rooney

Lounge Bohemia, NE5 Hidden away between a kebab shop and a news agent you’d be easily forgiven for by passing this cocktail lounge without a second glance. But that is kind of the point. This, by appointment only drinking hole is so secret that you can only go there if you’ve called the owner Paul (who in 2008 listed as one of the UK’s most dynamic individuals on the Courvoisier Future 500 list) and he likes the sound of you. Inside Lounge Bohemia sticks to it’s Czech heritage with walls lined with Czech news papers and communist era furniture. The atmosphere is intimate with alcoves, low ceilings and table service and there’s only one rule… no suits. Call Paul on, 07720707000.

Fox and Cutlass, E8

Supperclub, W1 Supperclub began in Amsterdam in the 1980s and now has venues everywhere from San Francisco to Singapore. Enjoy a four course dinner and drinks while chilling out on massive white beds all the while being entertained by various performers. Previous performers include singing corpse brides, pillow-fighters and live clay modelling although they specialise in risqué performance art.There are two bars, Bar Noir and Bar Rouge, as well as mirrored walls and glittering chandeliers. Head to their website, www.superclub.com for more information on how to book your place for the most decadent meal in bed you’re ever likely to have.


Callooh Callay, EC2 The only thing giving this bar away are the Chanel style interlocking C’s logo which lights the way to the bars entrance down a side street in Shoreditch. While the front of the bar is similar to most others at the back lies a Narnia style wardrobe which when walked through leads to a secret back room with a mirrored bar and toilets decorated entirely with cassette tapes. The bar is named after an abstract Lewis Carroll poem and this theme is carried on inside with neo-Victorian décor and an array of unusual cocktails. Visit www.calloohcallaybar.com to find out more.

Bart’s Bar, SW3 Bart’s opened in February 2009 and is situated in the Chelsea Cloisters. To enter you have to walk to the back of a 1930’s residential building where there is nothing but a black door and a lantern. To stand a chance of being allowed in simply ring the door bell and wait for an answer. If they like you, you’re in and regulars will be granted a special key card for entry. Inside are retro TV sets, Mickey Mouse wallpaper and trunks filled with costumes to put on so that you really feel the part. Go to www.barts-london.com to find out it’s exact location.



A speakeasy by night, a private detective agency and taxidermist by day, this place is a bar with a difference, starting with the fact you have to walk through a stair case to get to it. Having only opened in December it’s still getting off the ground (the toilet at last check didn’t even have a door) however this is the perfect time to check it out while it’s still in it’s infancy. It’s run by Liability Eden who, when he was first opening the bar, accepted furniture, materials and wood from

anyone that would help out so the décor is a mish mash of all different styles making this place unlike any other in London. Like most private members bars you have to pass a test to be allowed in. To be in with a chance of getting visit their Facebook group and contact the club secretary Mrs Gloria Trellis, make her laugh but be warned we’ve been told she’s a ‘surely old boot’ so make sure you plan what you’re going to say first.


In The Throws of Fashion... photography : Kristoffer Myhre styling : Louise Orcheston-Findlay / Laura Hills Make up : Luke Stevens Models : Scarlett Duggan : Girl Management // Yohan Agelou







IF THERE’S ONE THING WE CAN THANK THE RECESSION FOR IT’S R-PATZ, APPARENTLY. TEENAGE PIN-UP ROBERT PATTINSON PLAYS EDWARD CULLEN, THE STAR OF STEPHANIE MEYER’S BEST SELLING BOOK AND MORE FAMOUSLY THE INTERNATIONAL BLOCKBUSTER, TWILIGHT. R-PATZ IS THE TOUR DU FORCE ON THE BLOOD SUCKING SCENE AND IS TAKING THOUSANDS OF HEARTS ALONG FOR THE RIDE. It’s not just our favourite brooding bloodsucker, remember the world before fang-bangers, twihards and sub prime debt were taking centre stage? There’s a theory out there on the interweb that when the economy takes a nose dive, the un-dead come out of the coffin to walk the earth once more, the difference is, in this recession we’re inviting them into our homes and even our beds. Yes that’s right, at the end of the noughties we couldn’t get enough of borderline necrophilia, the ultimate forbidden love of that between human and vampire. Move over Romeo and Juliet, so what if your Daddy’s don’t see eye to eye, you’re not fighting the urge to drink the others blood and neither of you smoulders in the sunlight. Vampires first entered western popular fiction back in the early 19th Century when the novelist John Polidori penned his novel ‘The Vampyre’ in 1819, adapting eastern European folk stories and bringing them bang up to date for the modern times. The Victorian’s loved a spot of gothic horror and Polidori’s novel gave rise to a frenzied wave of Vampire stories including Bram Stoker’s classic 1897 novel ‘Dracula’. The Vampire was your original smooth criminal, well dressed, he moved in privileged circles, whisking off trusting, unsuspecting victims with silver tongued charm – the un-dead version of the guy that your father warned you about - but this fiend was not infallible, aversions to religious symbolism, garlic and the sunlight were the original get out-of-jail-free cards when it came to surviving their clutches. The 19th Century was a time of boom and bust for the world economies – the vast majority of western Europe were fighting one another over land, money and technology in the ‘new world’. In 1819 when Polidori’s ‘The Vampyre’ was hitting shelves the US was entering it’s first major financial crisis, dragging into it the finances of all the major European countries that were fighting so hard for a piece of the American pie. Cut to 1897 when Bram Stoker’s ‘Dracula’ first appeared on bookshelves and the


worldwide economy is still reeling from the ‘Long Depression’ which, whilst affecting predominantly Northern America and Europe, lasted well into the late 1890’s in the UK and that’s just the Victorian era. As the western world forged greater links over the 20th Century – planes, trains and automobiles (not necessarily in that order) along with burgeoning colonies across the globe it meant that national finances became more globally intertwined, depressions and recessions cut much deeper. And that’s not all that the 20th Century brought, the early part of the century saw the rise in popularity of moving image, the birth of the silver screen, the cinema and the re-telling of fashionable Victorian novels in a new medium. In October 1929 the western world entered the ‘Great Depression’ as stock markets went into free-fall. It started in America but spread to virtually every country across the globe, unemployment rocketed, goods prices fell and strong currencies lost value rapidly (sound familiar at all?). There were suicides on Wall Street and families struggled to make ends meet. Is it a coincidence that just one year after the return of financial crisis on Wall Street Universal Pictures started up production on yet another vampire film? Universal’s ‘Dracula’ stared Bela Lugosi in the title role and was released in 1931. It was a box office hit within 48 hours appealing to audiences craving a bout of escapism - despite early press reports of audience members fainting of fear. The 1970’s saw another resurgence in Vampire Films, ‘Count Yorga, Vampire’ (1970) ‘Blacula’ (1972) & ‘Salem’s Lot’ (1979) name just a few. The mid-70’s saw an economic decline and in 1973 Anne Rice began writing ‘Interview with a Vampire’ and it was published in 1976.

FANGS. words : Jenni Lewis

That’s not to mention the public appetite for Vampire hunting that took place on 30th March 1970 in London’s Highgate Cemetery after reports of sightings in the press. In the 1980’s & 90’s a more modern Vampire began to emerge; young, beautiful and lusting for blood, don’t get me wrong, there were still plenty of old school scary vampires out there, but we started to see the vamp with a conscience as an attractive bet. ‘The Lost Boys’ (1987) centred around a gang of American teenagers, engaging in less than savoury behavior, but instead of knives and guns these teens were armed with razor sharp incisors. OK, so they could kill you on a whim, but there’s far more fun to be had playing with something dangerous, especially if it’s shiny and powerful and Brad Pitt. ‘Interview with a Vampire’ hit our screens in 1994, one year after we emerged from the ‘recession of the early nineteen nineties’ (I guess they’d started to run out of catchy titles) and it featured the story of Louis the reluctant predator, sympathetic to his human victims, struggling in his quest to find an alternative sort of nourishment. Obviously, not all Vampire stories emerge when the purse strings are tightened, take for example the long running TV series ‘Buffy the Vampire Slayer’ which features a whole host of bad vamps and otherworldly demons, stretching right across our most recent economic boom period (97-07) not to mention its popular spin-off ‘Angel’ – another bad guy gone good vampire tale. Buffy might buck the trend, but perhaps the moral of the slayer story, and that in times of good credit ratings, is to hell with the vampires and the consequences of our actions, as long as the humans are on top, everything is A OK. And that takes us back to where we’re most happy, lusting after the unattainable

and otherworldly Edward Cullen. The recent Vampire resurgence has got us all a quiver, with the ‘Twilight’ series taking grip over the teenage market and HBO’s ‘True Blood’ appealing to more adult audiences. And that’s not it, for all your serious Vampire enthusiast’s, there will be more to quench your thirst in 2010 with TV series ‘The Vampire Diaries’ and the films ‘Carmilla’ and ‘30 Days of Night: Dark Days’ which are all set to erupt onto our screens in 2010. That’s not the end either, according to Suburbanvampire.blogspot.com there are over 40 new Vampire themed releases in the next year. So what’s the fascination with Vampire stories and why do we habitually resurrect the un-dead in times of economic strife? After a decade of over indulgence, mass consumption and rising stocks came the crash back down to the reality of our finances. Is the Vampire, a lonely fellow, stalking the earth in eternal torment for his sins a symbolism for the guilt brought about by the collective unconscious? Or are we merely dabbling in a bit of escapism – to take our minds off the fact we’ve run up massive credit card bills and don’t know whether we’ll still have a job next week? To be honest, if the trade off in these times of economic doom and gloom, is googling pictures of R-Patz in his underwear then at least 50% of the population are kept happy. Perhaps Gordon Brown should think about approaching Patterson’s people about a poster campaign for the upcoming election?

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Last year I introduced you to double denim and the power of the puffa. Throughout 2010 I’ll be providing you with more tricky trends to try, starting with the clog. Clogs were spotted all over the SS10 catwalks; Marni, YSL and Gucci to name a few. They all hoofed their models with clog-like creations. Blogger babes have been running clogs for months now, most successfully by Rumi of Fashiontoast.com with her brown rouched Miu Miu examples. My favorites are the Chanel versions, which appeared in the SS10 dairy-farm-set show. In either black or cream this is the ultimate studded, wooden soled, slip on clog with a beautiful embellished strap for added milkmaid-chic. If you are more of a traditionalist, I offer you the bog standard Clarks clog; a blackless cork wedge with brown leather upper. Although I warn you, this is the kind of shoe that could put you off clogs for life. Instead I’ve selected six beautiful shoes that embody the essence of the clog while remaining aesthetically pleasing. If Chanel is out of your price range try ASOS, Topshop, Steve Madden or Georgina Goodman for your own take on the trend. From left to right : Chanel Clog Beige / ASOS : £55.00 / Chanel Clog Black / Carvela £175 / ASOS £60.00 / Terry De Havilland £575.00 : Tdhcouture.com, 020 7254 4445


Left to Right : ASOS £57.00 / New Look £25.00 / David Wyatt £519.41 : Milletre, Matches / Steve Madden £150 : My-wardrobe.com / Brian Atwood £505 : Netaporter.com / Steve Madden £115 : John Lewis, My-wardrobe.com / Nicholas Kirkwood £495 : Dover Stret Market, Harrods, Liberty / Topshop £65 :Topshop.com / Miss KG £65 : Asos.com

The Grumpy Man and His Grievances When first asked to write about why I hate everything I leapt at the chance, or would have done had I actually been asked. A year of witty emails, texts and tweets to the editor didn’t result in her getting the hint and I finally had to ask if I could write something. Begrudgingly she said yes. I have always been grumpy, I don’t smile, I scowl – the glass is always half empty, usually has lipstick marks from the previous user and bits of unidentified matter swirling around the bottom. When most people are grey and collecting their pensions they look back and reminisce about the good old days. I won’t; all my days are bad. I haven’t planned what I’m going to say and will instead produce a stream of consciousness that will give you just a small glimpse into what it’s like to be me. I might itemise stuff though, looks nicer, doesn’t it? Item number 1: Describe yourself in 10 words. Anyone who describes themselves as ‘crazy’ in an online profile is normally crazy, and not crazy in a ‘fun’ way. They’re crazy in a full-on nutter way. They’re the sort of person that claims to “live life every day” (which means nothing), reveals a “bubbly personality” (for which read bubbly stomach) and declares a love for dogs (love as in... well, you get the picture). Stay away from these people. There’s a block/delete button which you can utilise online. If you’re unfortunate enough to encounter one of these nut-jobs in real life, there’s no block button, but in certain circumstances I think it is perfectly acceptable to use violence; this is one of those circumstances. Item number 2: Let’s have a glass of vino. Anyone that says this should be shot. You know the sort I mean. I hate them. They’re the type of person who owns an unnaturally large and unnecessary 4x4 in London, yet will still crawl along at 2.5mph the only time they can actually properly use one, such as during the recent snow epidemic. They bray and have faces like pigs, usually red faces and they wear scarves, these people LOVE scarves. Let’s have some vino? Let’s not, yeah? Item number 3: Michael McIntyre. It may be fashionable to hate Michael McIntyre now but I’ve hated him for years. I suspect that ever since his exit from his mother’s womb (and perhaps even before then) he’s been annoying people. I hate his bouncy hair, his permanent smile, his grating voice, but most of all I hate the fact that he thinks he’s a comedian. This man is to comedy what Gordon Brown is to Red Coats. He states the obvious and makes it sound funny by using clever intonation. That’s the one good thing he can do, intonation. If you ever need to speak to an expert on intonation, McIntyre’s your man. Or as he would say, Michael McINTYRE is YOUR man. While proof-reading this, someone suggested that Michael McIntyre might be too easy a target and that I should take him out. “Take him out”, I thought, as I searched for my rifle and made for McIntyre’s house. Item number 4: Please remember to take all your belongings when leaving the train. Well here was me planning on picking up that nice lady’s bag and coat, leaving my belongings under the seat. Call me radical, but when I board a train with my belongings I fully intend on disembarking with them, unless something’s annoyed me en route so much that I’ve resorted to using a few items as missiles. These are the people that have the gall, albeit rarely, to report “a good service on all London Underground lines”. Don’t even get me started on the “mind the gap” moron. While I’m on the subject, I also hate foreigners on the tube. By foreigners I mean anyone who doesn’t live in, near or regularly visit London. You can pick them out as they press the ‘open’ button on the doors when the train pulls into a station. Only a Londoner knows that these buttons do not work. Yes, it’s funny watching them stab away at the buttons while the driver decides that he’s not quite ready, but what really gets me is their self-satisfied grin as the doors finally open and they think they’re responsible. Well let me tell you this, you smug foreigner, you are not responsible and if you now so much as dare to stand on the left of the escalators while I try to leave the station I will pick you up and throw you to the bottom repeatedly until you learn the rules. Oh, and don’t block the gate fannying around trying to find your travel card. You make me sick. twitter.com/cantface

Avoid the Grump : Go out Even if this time of year does make you grumpy there are plenty of un-loveish things to do this month. Avoid the obscenely overpriced and over capitalized options and go to one of the below: ALNWICK GARDEN Stuck indoors thanks to the wintry weather? Shake off the cobwebs with a magical visit to The Alnwick Garden - for a price that won’t break the bank! To tempt people back outdoors, adult entry to The Alnwick Garden will be just £1, Children are only a penny. The Alnwick Garden has become known worldwide for its gigantic Treehouse, mysterious Poison Garden, beautiful water sculptures and unconventional - yet family friendly garden design. Opening times: 10am - 4pm (last admissions 3.15pm). www.alnwickgarden.com OK, so maybe that could be deemed as going down the romantic route a bit. How about a some Bingo instead? With all sorts of things on offer to the lucky Bingo winner such as toasters, Champagne and many other goodies, musical bingo could be your activity of choice any month. Instead of numbers, songs are played and of course if you have the song on your card - Bingo! If in doubt just look how much fun those guys in the picture above are having! Bring & Share present ‘Musical Bingo’ Saturday 13th February The Stag 67 Fleet Rd 7 pm - 11 pm 0207 722 2646 Free Entry/ £3 Bingo Kit / £1 off if you bring back your Bingo Wings. Finally, do your bit for Charity, namely the Haiti Earthquake fund. This way you’ll feel happy and you’ll make someone else happy at the same time. Haiti Earthquake fund raiser, Roundhouse, 25th Feb.


My two-for-six-pound life By Lucy Anne Hancock

So it’s New Years Eve. All the stresses and strains of pretending to be religious, country walks and family tension are over and I’m ready to don the sequins. Just me, my best pals, a house party and a lot of festive cheer. What could possibly go wrong? As it turns out, a number of things. Firstly, the party turned out to be a particularly intimate gathering. Or perhaps more accurately, there was no-one there. By 11.30 the occupants of the double bedroom we all stood in had slowly crept away by feigning weak bladders and cigarette runs leaving about ten of us to perch on the end of the bed and quietly reassess our lives. Having given up on the drinking it seems that my good friend Enid* had taken on the mantle and was drinking for the both of us. I always know this because she does jerky a shoulder dance and starts being all sassy. The evening ground on and after half-heartedly hugging a number of strangers Happy New year, I ventured outside the flat for a bit of fresh air. Only I never got as far as fresh air as I discovered a mass of platform stilettos and blonde hair at my feet in the form of Enid* and called for reinforcements. Eventually we managed to drag drunk Enid across the industrial carpet and bump her up a few steps, whilst vaguely attempting to support her floppy head and finally propping it up against a random doorway. Suddenly the door flew open, Enid rolled backwards and unveiled was one of the most terrifying looking women on God’s earth. Eyes set neatly back into her head, she looked a bit like a cross between Whitney Houston in the crack days and some kind of deep sea dwelling fish. She peered down at us and flared her nostrils, nipples winking through her stained flannel t-shirt and started mumbling loudly. None of us could really understand what she was trying to say, probably because she lacked a bottom set of gnashers, but we gathered by her rather impassioned gesticulation that she wanted us (and the pile of sick on her doorstep) gone. Unfortunately for us the protagonist of this story was a total dead weight insisting she was happier languishing in our new friend’s doorway. At that moment the door buzzer went and I answered it to a guy asking for his Nan. It was here that I began to feel pretty guilty. This poor sweet boy had travelled halfway across London at one in the morning to visit his elderly Grandmother and was about to unwittingly step into a re-enactment of the last days of Rome. Guiltily I shuffled back inside the party to get water and other fragrant smelling items and bumped into the girl who lives there. ‘I am really sorry’ I said. ‘My friends been sick in your neighbour’s doorway

and she looks pretty miffed’. ‘Who, the crack whore?’ she replied with a tinge of panic in her voice. Then I heard the low murmur of male voices. On my return to the scene, two blokes had pitched up. Both aged about twenty one and dressed in the latest urban streetwear. They told us that they had come to visit their ‘Nan’ on New Years Eve and after a long hard look up drunk Enid’s skirt began in (dulcet south London tones) to aggressively intimate that we were rather spoiling their evening. I looked at the blokes and back at the woman in the doorway and the pieces of the puzzle came together. If indeed this woman did have extremely doting grandchildren, the Poirot in me deduced that they would probably have to be the same race, which they were not. Whilst I twisted my moustache trying to figure this all out, one of my more stumbly friends decided to take the upfront approach. Pointing above her head she stage whispered down the stairs, ‘The CRACK whore shtole Enid’s money’ and then tripped over her own feet as I grimaced apologetically at the doorway. Meanwhile, my good friend Annie was attempting to scrape up big chunks of noodly sick that wound a fairytale trail to the doorway, rubbing the more watery stuff into the surprisingly absorbent carpet. As she sluiced more water across the staircase, we managed to arrange for myself, my sister, crackwhore and crackwhore’s ‘grandchildren’ to take whatever limb we could and attempt to negotiate the narrow stairs with chuckle brother precision. With my mind elsewhere I found myself hanging limply onto Enid’s toes and gazing at the blank grey wall behind us. At this point our lady of the night was being rather a good sport about the whole thing. Her toothless grin suggested she might be starting to find this ordeal rather amusing. As the four of us shuffled around the bend in the stairwell, crackwhore caught up in the excitement of it all failed to spot Annie still dutifully scrubbing away/rubbing in the sick at her feet. Her long crusty feet plunged directly into the bowl of soapy sick water and her eyes filled with terror. Credit where it’s due, she gripped tightly onto Enid’s exposed thigh whilst her right leg flung the sick water down the stairs and all over Annie’s suede ankle boots. ‘Nan’, with chunks of sick nestled between her toes was seemingly less amused than before and promptly dropped Enid at the bottom of the stairs. Her charmless clients followed suit and dumped her head down at the bottom of the staircase and they all slithered back upstairs to gang bang their way into the New Year. Arms under the armpits and Tesco sickbag

looped around her ears at the ready, we managed to drag her into a nearby bed, where she entered the belligerent phase of the evening. It was at this point the anger set in for all parties, Enid’s drunken hysteria and ours, the panic she might die replaced with immeasurable fury. Where a more sympathetic party goer stroked her hair and whispered soothing words, Annie wedgied her and pinged her bra strap as I verbally abused her for ruining our night. After about ten minutes of exchanging slurred insults she decided as we all have at some point that she would really love to have a chat with the man in her life. She curled up into a ball and began jabbing at the keys on her blackberry convinced that her boyfriend could not live another day without drinking from the fountain of her wisdom. The rest of us decided that if she intended on keeping him as a boyfriend at all then we should probably confiscate her phone. I fought off some pretty powerful high kicks eventually giving up. In my absence my sister went straight for the quick grab and run. Unfortunately not quite quick enough. There was a high pitched scream and my sister emerged from the room with a bright red and purple bite mark in her arm. She already had a bleeding head as a result of one particularly overzealous dance move so the bite mark completed her rough and ready image quite nicely. After about an hour we decided to cut and run as the resident drunkard had now entered the hysterical sobbing phase of the evening and we spent the snowy, barelegged walk home stopping for sob breaks and dodging New Year perverts lurching from bus stops. When we finally got home there was a pitiful mixture of sobbing and shouting until exhaustion prevailed and we all went to sleep. In the cold light of day the whole evening seemed a lot more amusing. We were on the bus laughing about the night before and inspecting charlotte’s now oddly coloured bite mark when we received a phone call from my mother. When we’d finished telling the story there was a deathly silence. Then she gravely said ‘you do realise a human bite is more dangerous than a dog bite.’ Um no actually, but brilliant. Fast forward to 2am Kings Hospital accident and emergency where my sister’s now swollen arm is being administered with a tetanus jab. The soundtrack to our evening? A drunk tramp with a bloody nose singing ‘Que sera.’

Happy New Year.





Candidate: artist Pandemonia

words : Ruthie Holloway image : Dafydd Jones (a contemporary for Grayson Perry perhaps), as well as being a mobile advertisement for her own artistic statement: a reflection of a culture obsessed by celebrity and image. So from whence did she come and when? Pandemonia appeared in London a few years ago and has been frequenting various art viewings, fashion shows and other events, where she will be noticed on the London scene. Mixed reviews occur when people come across Pandemonia. ‘Everybody I meet has a firm opinion of what I am and I can tell you, all their opinions are quite different,’ she says. At a Damien Hurst private viewing, fashion designer Pam Hogg once remarked, ‘At last! Someone is giving me some competition for my yellow hair!’ whilst another onlooker commented that she ‘must be wearing a thin suit.’ ‘Now that would be an invention!’ Pandemonia exclaims (And a very lucrative one were it to evolve I’m sure). Reflecting a satirical take on commercialism and a ‘paradox of fame and anonymity’, artist Pandemonia, is a 65 most unforgettable, not to mention ageless sight to behold. Perhaps you think she is making a satirical comment about a society obsessed with fame and image, or perhaps you think she is in fact, an ambassador for such a society. Either way, one thing is certain: if you ever get a glimpse of her, she will leave you with a lasting impression.

BIN: Hadouken! For The Masses Still hanging around like a bad smell after the thankful demise of the brief but dreadful happening that was ‘Grindie’, Hadouken! may have substituted their day-glo fashions for matching denim shirts but two facts still remain; they have sh*t fringes and make terrible music… www.hadouken.co.uk BURN:


Pandemonia, if you’ve not met her before, Pandemonia is a life size blow up doll that actually walks and talks. All 7 feet of this inflatable beauty wears PVC head to toe, better than Michelle Pfeiffer as Catwoman, and all in the name of art. From her blonde plastic locks to her stockings, Pandemonia’s plastic façade is, amongst many things, an art concept, a disguise and most importantly the key tool she uses to make a statement about popular culture and commercialism as an artist.

Late Of The Pier Blueberry Shedding their fuzzy electro finery, LOTP have transformed themselves with this life-affirming strangeness that sounds like The Beatles crossed with a healthy dose of Bowie, they also have the dubious credit of being the first band this year to use a children’s choir, and it works… just. www.myspace.com/lateofthepier

Meeting Pandemonia, in a fantastical sense, is not far off the feeling you might get if you ever got the chance to enter a real cartoon world or fairytale kingdom. In an artistic sense it is intended that you are confronted by a parody of popular culture - plastic artificiality up close. ‘You are all surface and no substance,’ she was once told. As opposed to performance art, Pandemonia is the embodiment of her own art concept

Marina And The Diamonds Hollywood This is undeniably aimed right at the mainstream pop-chompers but manages to remain fantastically camp and more than just a little bit odd, which is the personification of Marina herself for those still uninitiated with the illegitimate Welsh/Greek heir to Kate Bush’s weird-warbling throne. www.marinaandthediamonds.com

A few Q and A’s with Pandemonia: What have been your most successful appearances or experiences? Getting put into print. And putting Marlboro back in the Independent! What is difficult about being Pandemonia? Going through doors. What is your biggest ambition? I want to do a floating sculpture show over Oxford Street as a temple of commercialism. What do people say when they get to see the person behind the PVC-ness? A lot of rumours get circulated about who Pandemonia is. In truth we all live behind masks and identities. Pandemonia is just the embodiment of an ideal. I could be anyone. www.pandemonia99.com




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appy, schnappy – who really cares. More importantly, how do you look? My guess is like most people post- holiday season, not that great. I am here to help, kind of an aesthetic martyr, if you will. I took it upon myself to be a grooming guinea pig all for you lethargic, hung-over, dehydrated readers. The treatments that I tested are specific to men, and hopefully take a few years rather than excessive months off. As I feel there is enough advice for you overwrought ladies out there, but not quite enough for blokes. “Beauty comes from within” Bullshit really, however, the regimes I selflessly subjected myself to actually warmed the soul a bit as much as made my dry skin glow. The following are a list of the magic applications, doing all is great, however even just a couple will make you look and feel much better. And of course make London a little more pretty. Neville: www.nevillehairandbeauty.net My first stop was this incredible salon in Belgravia. The technicians there are like family. So welcoming and relaxed. They look after some incredibly famous men and women, but are far too discreet to mention details. When I was there though the graceful Duchess of Kent was beside me. Paolo gave me an amazing Indian head message. I almost wanted to cry like a baby it was so therapeutic. At one point he put his hands in front of my face, without touching it, emitting such heat I thought he had burning candles in front of me – that is talent! Next an incredible cut by the masterful Christian - very cool guy, very funny and he knows what he is doing. Then off to get my colour done. I have been a blonde this year. I needed a change, and went back to my roots. The incredible Sheniz did her artful magic. Again, these people felt like family. Sheniz was candid and hilarious and did the best job. Neville, ‘the man’ and his beautiful Italian wife Elena have run this salon with heart and soul, the people working there have been doing so for years, always a good sign! It’s perfect for guys as well as your girlfriends, and won’t break the bank. Beautyworks West: Dr Cyrille Blum aka Dr Chez Vous +44 (0) 792 167 81 62: Now, willing to go to any lengths to fulfil my duties – I visited the genius Dr Blum. His office is with Beautyworks West, a temple of cosmetic deities. Dr Blum is the High Priest of this world. His clients are household names, however, the good

Doc is a pro, alas, so no names. His approach is bespoke, conservative and careful. Especially for men. The aim is simply to enhance, achieving the most natural looking results. I was given botox and fillers. No pain! Very subtle and the results are amazing. Looks like I just had a very good rest and have been eating all the right things, or so says my GF. Dr Blum is at the forefront of cosmetic techniques, pioneering new formulas and procedures. He says “The future of men’s cosmetic therapy will probably be quite similar as today, with probably less shame in asking for cosmetic help. New techniques will also help to lose excessive ‘beer bellies’ and love handles. For men and women, genital aspect improvement will also become more frequent and easily done.” Yes, he works on the nether regions as well – not mine though I may add! Another USP with Cyrille is that he can visit you at home or at the office as he rides around, medical case in hand on a motorcycle, all through London – very cool indeed. Ice Facial The Refinery www.the-refinery.com Did you know that a man’s body temperature is higher than a woman’s? Yes, we tend to perspire more as well. The beautiful Nicola at The Refinery on Brook Street, a salon devoted to men’s beauty, has developed an amazing treatment which cools the body down, tightens those pesky capillaries and leaves you completely refreshed. The treatment lasts an hour and is very unusual. Perfect for stressed out, hung over boys. I would really recommend this one! Hydradermabrasion Hydrohealing Spa 0207 727 2570. www.hydrohealing.com Like microdermabrasion, but gentler. It uses water to blast the skin. There is no post redface look found with the alternative microderm. This clinic is in Notting Hill. The founders are Vim Patel Bpharm MRPharms MSc Dip. Mngt and Amo Khan Bpharm MRphams MSc. Vim and Amo, are both highly trained and experienced pharmacists with a long held belief in the benefits that alternative therapies can offer. The underlying philosophy at hydrohealing is that pleasure can be therapeutic, and therapy can be pleasurable. The hydrozyme illuminating facial costs £90 for 60 minutes.

Skin IQ Facial SPA Intercontinental Hotel Hyde Park www.spaintercontinental.com WOW. The new spa at the Intercontinental on Park Lane is something to be seen. It is luxurious and cloud like. The knowledgeable therapists are so elegant, but not at all stuffy, like in some grand hotels. It has a very modern approach and the Skin IQ facial I had left this tired man radiant. Teeth whitening The London Center For Cosmetic Denistry www.londoncosmeticdentistry.co.uk This was an unexpected treat! I went along with trepidation to the dentist. Not just an ordinary dentist but Dr Mervyn Druian. The leading pioneer for cosmetic dentistry. He does everyone in showbiz, but will only mention all of the X Factor contestants. I am introduced to Bernita Shelley who will be whitening my nicotine stained smile. She looked scared, I didn’t think it was so bad…but anyway, after an hour, as if by magic and some painless lasers, my gnashers were a sparkling success! I intend to return for further sessions, until they positively glow in the dark! UP Fitness www.upfitness.co.uk So this process, to turn me from ‘scrawny to brawny’ will be a true test. Nick Mitchell, a personal trainer to the stars has agreed to lead me in my quest for a body beautiful. His team at Ultimate Performance Fitness are serious. They do a dedicated service for real athletes, even Olympic partakers and Hollywood royalty that need to beef up or slim down for certain roles. For this transformation I’ll give regular updates in my monthly column, and it should take about 12 weeks. Nick says: “Achieving the ultimate in results for my clients is my passion as a personal trainer and strength & conditioning coach. I will be deliberately provocative and tell you that in effective and successful personal training the client is not king. What reigns supreme are results” I think that if anyone can inspire me it will be this man. Watch this space!

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Location: Wiltons -63 Wilton Way, London E8 1BG Photographer:Victor Frankowski Photographers Assistant: Alan Thomas Make Up: Sophie Hirsch Stylist: Anna Hirsch



THE MC (Ross)

BIG JIM (James)





Yes? And? words: Neda Shadanlou image : Eddie Jacob

The YesAnd film is a project that works backwards. Beginning with the film reviews for a film that does not actually exist yet. A group of mad geniuses are demonstrating the power of limitless thinking. By knowing that a film will materialise they are asking writers to improvise film reviews. They have organised a Wrap party and an office space (prior to having the funds to pay for any of it). Simply because they know it will just happen with the power of positive thinking. And as the law of attraction to positivity predicted - they have their film reviews, BBC producer, Director, equipment all in the bag after a matter of weeks. The philosophy of YesAnd is based on Improvisation theatre. And these guys have got some real talented characters to be in their film. The inventor of the iPhone Jonathan Ive (Senior Vice President of Industrial Design at Apple Inc) is one such of these people. Another is Shed Simove, (Big Brother producer for six years) who made his fortune from brain waves. Novelty items such as the flying fuck sign and bum shaped covers for electric plugs can be accredited to him. Along with changing his name to God Almighty on depole. Ralph Steadman the British cartoonist and caricaturist (who is best known for his work with American author Hunter S. Thompson) will also be donning the stage of this documentary. What makes this film unique is the types of characters in the documentary along with the power of persuasion from the team of creators behind the project. Graham Painter is one of the founders of the YesAnd project, he is a successful Advertising Creative and Consultant. He describes himself as a Gypsy as he was born in Houston, Texas though feels as though Cairo, Istanbul, New York, Miami,

Vienna and London are all homes to him. He is brave, considerate, cheeky and rockstarish all in the same breathe. He started the YesAnd film with his friends Craig Kind and Nick Field. Nick is the epitome of their YesAnd philosophy. He was the igniting power that brought to life the philosophy for the rest of the team. He risked it all to achieve a new dream for himself at the age of 28. He decided to put his successful businesses and corporate life aside to pursue a career as an Actor. Despite having cerebral palsy (which affects the way he walks) he was determined to make it work and he said; “fuck it, I’m doing it”. Many years later he joined forces with Graham and Craig as an Acting coach in a consultancy project getting advertising folk to open up their minds and let loose through the tool of improvisation. Craig Kind the other Creative in the mix is also magical. When I met him I was wowed, kind to the core and a real inspiration. Graham describes him as one of the most talented Advertising Creatives he knows, at his young age he landed Blackberry as a client and setup The Playground, a creative school and consultancy with Graham and Nick. Craig has himself a future in San Francisco and aims to convert a yellow school bus into a pirate ship. You may be getting the drift that they are all chronic daydreamers that have made their imaginations come to life. Sarah Ross McClean is the lady for these gentlemen; she is the Producer on the film and a heavy weight champion of life. She was at the BBC for 10 years and is noted for her success. In just one year she co-produced not one, not two, but four documentary series.

She was sucked into the YesAnd world with one phone call from the boys. She has nerves of steel and an air of dignity about her. She told me about the power of removing critical thinking, not just for yourself but also in your relationships to others (strangers, colleagues, friends, family, the whole lot). And she had me hook, line and sinker intrigued. So let me try to summarise what the YesAnd philosophy is. My first contact with it was at the pub with the crew mentioned above. They would clap frantically at anything I said that sounded like doubt. Which you may think sounds annoying. Though it was actually quite uplifting. They got me to clap at anything that involved the word ‘but’. Soon ‘but’ left my equation and they had sent me on a natural limitless high, with the help of a few beers. You can read the YesAnd manifesto online and get involved in the film. The lat- 75 est updates read that they even have the sex expert and comedian Deborah Frances-White on board. Her shows “can make almost anyone want to sleep with you”. God knows what she’ll be doing in the film but it sounds like a heck of a ride. Embrace the unknown. Yesand have a huge performance and launch party in London soon. Check on the site for details: www.yesandthemovie.com www.howtoquitadvertising.com

Capita Cocktails Hawksmoor

Hawksmoor total score: 25/30

Oh Valentine’s day! Will it be romance? Will it be amore? Or is it a lifetime of destitute barren solitude for you? One thing always works regardless of your relationship status and that’s a really big steak (veggies insert your equivalent here – sesame tahini?). The Hawksmoor is reputed to be one of London’s finest steak houses and those who move in cocktail circles say they make the best cocktails in town too. The Bar We are definitely in a restaurant. There’s no escaping this. It would be nigh on impossible to sit at this bar without salivating over all the amazing food being served up around you. Definitely not great for a pre or post dinner drinks destination. That said, if you removed the bar and plonked it, I don’t know, on a beach or something, you would be very impressed, it’s super cool. A fantastic selection of premium booze like tequila with it’s own appellation. If you are really into your cocktails then you need to try the Hawksmoor. Score: 4 martini glasses

The Crowd This place is pricey so the crowd is a mix of professional types like the sort you’d find at private members bars. This is not a bad thing, you’re unlikely to end up chatting to people, at most some polite nodding towards your neighbouring table. There won’t be dancing on the tables, there won’t be karaoke but everyone’s happy because it everything tastes so good! Score: 2 martini glasses The Cocktail List Their list is simply fantastic. Probably the best list in town. Hawksmoor take their cocktail history seriously and specialize in prohibition era drinks with a twist. Think Juleps, sours, fizzes and daisies. If you’re in a band and struggling to come up with a name, nicking one from this cocktail list is not a bad idea. We experienced the coolest ever welcome. Knackered and cold we collapsed at the bar. The barman’s said: “Hey! How you feeling today? I’ll mix something special up for you.” We were like: “No you won’t! We are Londoners! We planned what we wanted 3 hours ago. But we were persuaded, and thank you Nuno, you are a god!! We got fragrant, frothy daiquiris.

These were so good we had another three each. Score: 5 martini glasses for their list, 5 glasses for cocktails. The Food In case you haven’t caught on yet, the Hawksmoor is a restaurant. This means it has lots of food and the food is very, very good. It is also expensive however, this makes it perfect for that special Valentine date, but unless you’re flush this place won’t be your new jolly local. It’s all about the steak and they offer many varieties; rib eye, chateaubriand, porterhouse, all sourced by the Ginger Pig, that posh butchers in Borough Market that Nigel Slater is so fond of. There is one option for vegetarians, helpfully labeled ‘for vegetarians’. Also a great selection of lobster, crab and oysters. Score: 5 martini glasses The Location Commercial street. A little tricky to find as the signage is discreet. Commercial street also has some great shops if you fancy spending a few more pennies before beginning your evening. Score: 4 martini glasses

Like a ‘retro’ or ‘contemporary’ classic? To whittle the huge number of

amazing cocktails down to a pithy few was a tough job. Researching this was like being a little kid in a sweet shop I tried so many varieties! It was hard but we began to set boundaries. These were the following: The cocktails could come from

sugar cube. Go crazy with your muddling self. Next add ice cubes and slowly start dripping in your whisky. Take your time. If your making these for guests maybe get them to stir their own, it’ll speed things up. When the bourbon’s all gone, finish with a little orange zest and garnish with a strip of orange peel. Mojito This Cuban classic really took off in the 90s – Ernest Hemingway loved them, everyone loves them. Learn how to make a good Mojito and you’ve conquered one of life’s little hurdles. Ingredients • 2 parts white rum • 1 tbsp white caster sugar • 8 to 10 fresh mint leaves • 1 part fresh lime juice • A dash of soda water Glassware: Highball Here’s How! Muddle together the rum, sugar, lime and fresh mint in a shaker. Pour into a highball glass that is filled with crushed ice and top with soda to taste. French 75 Oh la la! This is so delicieux. Invented by the Franco-American World War I pilot, Raoul Lufbery who was part of Escadrille Américaine air fighting unit.

Here’s How! Shake up all the ingredients with ice using a shaker then strain into the empty glass and top with champagne. Voila c’est simples! Margarita Blimey! Talk about urban mythology. There are about 100 different stories on the origins of this tequila classic. We like the idea that it was invented in homage to Hollywood starlet Rita Hayworth whose real name was Margarita Cansino. Ingredients • 2 parts tequila • 1 part triple sec • 1 part fresh lime juice • Maldon sea salt Glassware – Martini glass Here’s How! Whatever you do, don’t use Margarita mix and make sure your lime juice is fresh, cordial will not work. If you get the ratio right you won’t need to add sugar. Some use Cointreau but bear in mind it’s twice as strong as Triple Sec – great if you like your drinks lethal. Fill the glass with crushed ice. Add your ingredients and some cubed ice to a shaker and shake em up! Empty the ice out of your glass, rub lime around the rim, tip upside down and rub the glass on a saucer of salt. Strain your shaker into the glass and serve.


any era; needed to include different spirits; obviously had to be delicious, possible to make at home but but still a bit special (yes the Seabreeze is a classic but come on, it’s vodka, cranberry and grapefruit juice mixed together, that’s not hard). A really good margarita on the other hand... Shaky Pete from this month’s Hit List review, (opposite page) The Hawksmoor, gave us his top tips. Here’s how to make five great cocktails – enjoy! Old fashioned Possibly the first drink to be called a cocktail says Wikipedia. One of the six basic drinks listed in David A. Embury’s classic, The Fine Art of Mixing Drinks, the Old Fashioned was invented in the 1880s in a Kentucky gentleman’s club. Ingredients: • 1 brown sugar cube • A lusty dash of Agostura’s bitters • 2 parts bourbon • Orange zest and peel Glassware: Tumbler Here’s How! Drop the sugar cube into the tumbler, add the bitters and drip in a little bourbon. Get your muddler and mash up that

Classic Cocktails

This should be simple. Pick a few nice cocktails, ask a nice barman for his top tips on how to make them, bish bash bosh. Wrong. First you have to define classic.

This war legend liked champagne, but wanted something with more of a kick to it, so he mixed it with cognac which was readily available. The combination was said to have such a kick, it felt like being shelled with the powerful French 75mm howitzer artillery piece, also called a ‘75 Cocktail’ or ‘Soixante Quinze’ in French. These days it’s more common to make the French 75 with gin but hey, either works just fine for us. Ingredients • Just under 2 parts gin • Just under 1 part fresh lemon juice • 1 tbsp of sugar syrup • 1 optional dash of orange bitters • Champagne Glassware: Flute

Vodka Expresso Legend has it that this drink was invented when a famous black 80s supermodel went to London’s Atlantic bar and demanded: “something that will wake me up and f**k me up.” All we can say is spot on Naomi. Ingredients • 1 part kahlua • 2 parts vodka • 1 shot of expresso Glassware: Martini Here’s How! Similar to the Margarita but without the salt! Fill your glass with crushed ice, shake your ingredients up vigorously so you get a nice froth, remove the ice from the glass, strain and serve! words: Phillipa Abbott images: Tom Mattey

A segmented novel

By Marco Casadei Image by James Lightfoot 10th February When in Rome...

I awake with a cough and numbness in my chest most probably due to this blanket peeling off half way to the floor and just about covering my legs. I look out the curtain-less window and the dim light outside makes me believe it is early dawn but as my eyes adjust I realise its snow rushing to hit the streets below. I see my booze soaked morning breath and realise I am freezing cold. I go to turn the heating on and find something warm to wear which ends up being an old poncho I received as a hand me down from my father. It’s made of angora. This apartment is so eclectic and I am proud to say it’s mine but it needs some f*cking heating. I turn on the old combination boiler in the bathroom and it grumbles into life. Wow, that really is loud. Perhaps it’s screwed. I have visions of great plumes of steam to help repel the onslaught of cold air and illness from my lungs as I turn the old brass hot tap and fish impatiently for what I hope to be scalding hot water. It goes warm. It goes warmer. It stays very warm. I shove the plug in and let it fill up as I go to the kitchen. I failed to do any shopping during last night’s drinking and exhibitionism and it appears that this apparent exuberance for decadence has left me with no coffee and nothing to eat. All I have is some chilli tea I was given as a gift and that will have to do. I see an old packet of cigarettes I left in the cupboard and instinctively reach for one and light it off the flame on the gas hob. Only a nicotine addict would believe inhaling tobacco smoke would help warm one up. I turn on all 4 of the gas rings and watch them burn blue as I smoke the first of 2 cigarettes. I let myself zone out in the flames and the sound of running water. The bath is tepid and this annoys me greatly. I wash quickly and dry myself vigorously to excite the skin. I am annoyed with myself for being disorganised. I look out the window and realise I am going to have to step out into the snow for supplies.

I wear as many clothes as I can find without looking too much like a hung over bum and head out onto Rue de Garguin. The street is silent and my feet make no sound at all as I make a frail walk to the closest shop I can remember on Rue de Marais. The fresh smell of bread invades my nostrils and it takes me a while to realise that that perfect scent had temporarily replaced all my negative sentiments. I buy 2 baguettes (when in Rome!!!) and a pizza type object covered in melted goats cheese and onions. I sit next to a fat man wearing a beret, drinking and eating. Man I love berets. I’m 79 going to get one. I pick up a paper from the pile next to the left of his chubby hand and see if I can absorb the only partially familiar words. I browse the pages with nonchalance when I see her, the girl I f*cked last night with her arm round a more elderly man. According to the description this is her father and according to the hype he is one of the most influential people in Paris. I know his face from somewhere else. I came to Paris looking for a needle in a haystack and instead I got laid and found my target. The fat man next to me is eyeing me up. Obviously my unbridled glee has shot through my previous shades of grimace and has lit up this corner of the room. I’m sure he thinks I am nuts, but what the f*ck, why should I care. I flick the page over and head towards the horoscopes. I don’t understand a word of it. But in my mind it goes something like “Virgo Sometimes life has its ups and downs and the stars know you have had your fair share of downs. But your luck is about to come in as you are going to get laid again, gain invaluable information and then shoot that murdering pedophile father of hers between the eyes. Yes there are moral boundaries, but what do you care…. YOU’RE A VIRGO!!!! :)” I finish my food and neck the last drops of hot coffee. I signal goodbye to my large friend just to confirm that I may be mad but I am not shy. I tip the guy behind the counter and take the paper with me. I’m sure he complained but I couldn’t understand what he was saying so I just walked off into the whirlwind snow.


Justify My Love. You know how the elderly say that being a certain age, ie 70 plus, is painful. They are not talking just about droopy breasts, adult diapers, senility, comfortable shoes and impotence. The main reason is that they have to witness so many of their friends and relatives die. Ok, so I don’t have to worry about that yet. However, in my 30’s I am seeing long-term relationships, most formed when they were in their early 20’s, die and fall apart all around me. This leads me to ponder whether, as those in advanced years deal with their loved ones mortality, perhaps now in the 2000’s being witness to love and commitment breaking down is part of crossing the threshold of 29. These friends (some very famous, some not) all told their partners “I Love You”. They said it with conviction. They had children. They designed a life for themselves and a future. So what falls away? Relationships are something one treats as emotional investments, continuously contributing to and nurturing till maturity. As the financial world collapses, wiping out certain life-savings, all around me I see these relationship stocks and bonds crash, emotional life-savings wiped-out, as if there is some sort of Bernie Madoff Anti- Cupid attacking. An A-list actress friend of mine has been with her husband, for seven years. He was rather fond of heroin. She knew this from the beginning when she was partial to cocaine. She stopped the coke, he didn’t put down the needle. He is an addict and ill. She tells him to grow up like she did. She throws him out and is now perusing more suitable men. She said I love you in sickness and health. What happened to that love, once so tangible? Her friends say “you go girl”, emancipate yourself. She takes their advice.

I have recently had to endure the misery of a separation and the complexity of a reconciliation, with my partner of five years, Juanita, the mother of my child. She is the love of my life and although I knew we had problems I buried my head in the sand or got drunk and screamed a lot. Our differences are very clear. Town and country. These were once celebrated and exciting. She is Italian/Tuscan and likes ‘real people’. I thought this was charming. I drag her down red carpets while she would prefer a smoky jazz club. She is beautiful, kind, talented, arty, has majestic breasts, likes fresh air and mountains, and is culturally pretentious. She would be happy for our daughter to be a ‘normal’ happy person. Where as, me? Well, London is my true home, I like lights. I think ‘real’ people are rather dull and they buy lottery tickets with dreams that they can be not so real. I can be a first- class asshole with a sprinkling of snob, she is low-key. I favour drama, I hate nature, it’s dirty and not in a sexy way, I am just plain pretentious. I want our daughter to be Natalie Portman one day, as I don’t know any normal happy people, and the concept makes me shiver. Oh, and please note my self-deprecation. Our sexual attraction is palpable. But as we all know, this can only sustain the most shallow of unions, ie Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee and Kid Rock and Kelly Slater and Marcus Shekenberg and… Anyway, I hurt my woman. I made her unhappy. She emancipated herself. I was devastated. There were recriminations, betrayals, half-truths and lots of other people’s opinions. The cultural differences began to grate, sacrifice bore resentment and communication broke-down. I have been told to grow-up. To be nice. I am taking it like a man. We are back together. I am trying as best as I can. We have promised each other to ‘fight for this love’, (thanks Cheryl Cole

for the profundity) and to honour the love we once and still do share. Because when I designed my life with Juanita and my daughter and said ‘I Love You’, I meant it. A Night of a Thousand Mariah’s. Several years back when clubs were cool and interesting, I hosted a few of the coolest. Photo-journalist Stephen Mahoney wrote in his column for ES, coining me: ‘Naughty Boy Erin’. One such club I hosted with the diva Miss Dee was called Playboy. Playboy was on Wednesday’s at Madame Jo Jo’s. It was rammed with celebrities, fashion victims, and was internationally famed. I wish I could say this made me lots of dosh, but all our celeb ‘mates’ got in for free so alas it didn’t do much for my bank balance. But I did get an enormous bar tab. It was debauched. It was dirty. It was a very unique place with very glamourous people enjoying rather seedy entertainment. There are many amusing and provocative memories, which I may write about from time to time. One in particular is about the ‘screechy one’ ie Mariah Carey. We get word that she is coming down. Security arrives first and after a thorough inspection the green light is given. At Midnight the entourage arrives. The club is teeny-tiny. In unison what seems a thousand Mariah Carey’s descend from every angle of the velveteen enclave. They are ushered to the VIP area over the stage. In actual fact she had brought with her 12 look-a-likes so she wasn’t gawked at. Tommy Mottola hands me a black Amex and the Cristal flows. It was a funny sight. I had on a fetching red chinese dressing gown. She drawled “ I dig your Kimona, sit down with me!”. For the evening she watched strippers do creative things with fruit and Shaun Ryder vomit and we were BFF’s for the night.

S T O C K I S T S Fashion pages 14-21 Image 1 : Lamp/Virginia/LM // Image 2 : Lamp/Fringe/LM Image 3 : Hat - lamp/Carducci // White corset : vintage // Bra : La Senza www.lasenza.com // Pants : La Senza // Stocking : vintage // Shoes : Zara www.zara.com Image 4 : Hat - lamp/Black Lace/LM // Black body : La Senza // Stocking : vintage Image 5 : Lamp/Minas/LM Image 6 : Hat - lamp/Cristina // Slip : vintage Image 7: Beige corset : vintage // Bra : La Senza // Skirt : Zara // Shoes : Aldo : www.aldoshoes.com Image 8 : Lamp/Porcupine/LM Fashion page 48 – 59 Image 1 : Him : Hat : Topman : www.topman.com // Vest : H&M www.hm.com // Braces : Topman // Jeans : Models own Her : Tassled Bra and Skirt : Ell and Cee // www.ellandcee.co.uk Necklace : Jamie London : www.jamie.uk.com // Shoes : Office www.office.co.uk Image 2 : Her : Tassled top : Ell and Cee // Corset top : H&M // Trousers : ASOS : www.asos.com // Necklace : Jamie London Him : White shirt : Topman Image 3 : As before Image 4 : Gold sequin top : Topshop Image 5 : Her : Bra : Topshop // Lace Shorts : Supersweet : www.supersweet.org Him : As before Image 6 & 7 : Bra and shorts : La Senza // www.lasenza.com Image 8 Her : Top : H&M Image 9&10 Her : Bra and pant set : Ell and Cee Coffee pages 69-73 James “ Big Jim” (the lumberjack) : Shirt : Uniqulo : www.uniqlo.co.uk // Jeans : Cheap Mondays : www.UrbanOutfitters.co.uk // Boots : Reverse // Hat : vintage Scott - Cpt Tugboat : Red Hat - St James (Sailor Shop) Jumper, trousers, braces : San Fransisco Military/navy shop Shoes : Present London // Pipe : vintage Dave “El Griffo” : Mask - retro // T-shirt - (Purple) Your Eyes Lie // T-shirt black Square Miles Roasters // Jeans : Obey // Trainers : Supra Skytops Limited Edition // Jacker : Fred Perry Nadia : Hair Bow : Laura Ashley // T-shirt : UBF official shirt // Jeans : Urban outfitters // Shoes : Vintage


SCENE STEALER Taking its cue from late East Wing founder Joshua Compston, EXHIBITIONISM: The Art of Display is the ninth collection of contemporary art as chosen by students of the Courtauld Institute of Art - a university during the day, moonlighting as an exhibition space the first weekend of every month. East Wing Nine have managed to generate a lot of interest before the exhibition opened, not least due to the appearance of Other Men’s Flowers; the Compston-curated collection of prints that hasn’t been displayed in its entirety since its creation in the mid-nineties. Complete with a checklist of YBA names like Sam Taylor-Wood, Tracey Emin, Gavin Turk and Gary Hume, the nineteen-strong print series sits at the heart of a show concerned with methods of display. As Montaigne wrote “Some may say of me I have gathered a posie of other men’s flowers, and nothing but the thread that binds them is my own”; this has inspired East Wing Nine to explore what it is to be a curator, with each room housing a different curatorial strategy. It is to the students’ credit that they have pushed their own ideas along with the tried and tested, as ten historical and conceptual methods are synthesised and formed by the artworks in what promises to be an impressive show. The selection of artists has been carefully considered, the result being the work of

sixty-seven artists at various stages of their career, each offering something a little different. Examples are the temporary paintings by Alexis Harding’s that rely on chemical reactions submiting a painted grid to gravity and sending it sliding to the floor, rendering each work more performance than painting. Ali Omar Ermes’ colourful synthesis of poetry and calligraphy culminates in richly-depicted single letter forms that provide a focus point both within and external to our text-heavy culture. From taxidermy to talking fish, artistic traditions are acknowledged and developed through a collection of work that offers a reassuring account of the state of contemporary art, with innovation and diversity abound.

careful negotiation. But rather than avoid the more tricky areas, clever curatorial decisions have seen the quirks embraced. Austin Cole’s Library of cement-cast books rely on a fireplace as their stand, and a grandfather clock adds to the sense of intimacy propagated within a room concerned with The Private Collection. The Cabinet of Curiosities also cleverly makes use of an often-forgotten space in the basement. The Cabinet takes as its inspiration the seventeenth-century wunderkammer, in which the owner’s interest dictated the contents. Updating the feature for a twenty-first century audience, East Wing Nine have filled theirs with intricately woven sea life, glass viruses and resin sculptures to name but a few of its charming specimens.


One of the biggest obstacles to the curation of these works is the unusual space, a challenging opposition to the white cube aesthetic often favoured by contemporary art display. Winding corridors, rooms both intimate and large, and even a lecture theatre contribute to an array of atypical spaces that require

The lecture theatre with its ample seating and projecting facilities fittingly becomes the video room. This is a theme that acknowledges the medium’s debt to Naim June Paik, whose statement that he had made a piece of ‘video art’ saw it start to become an increasingly accepted art form. Indeed, the works selected were chosen for their interaction with notions of art itself; Jordan McKenzie’s Andre Dance shows the artist throwing some pretty impressive shapes on Carl Andre’s 144 Magnesium Squares – a piece that manipulates the ‘look but don’t touch’ approach to most artistic enterprises. The programme for this section will develop

over the course of the eighteen months, with new additions and special screenings planned. The show’s unique space has also provided numerous opportunities for commissioned or site-specific pieces such as Miss Madeleine Boulesteix’s bejewelled chandelier. This room provides a stage that sees Laura Grieg’s Nila provide the performance; a robot with artistic flair and a paintbrush invites audience participation that will dictate her gestures and therefore the final painted image. Nicola Hicks’ life-size bear Black is a fearsome presence that looms out from a niche within the entrance hall, whilst Gerry Stecca provides the centrepiece for the main staircase. His clothes peg sculpture reaches upward in a gesture that mimics the climb of the towering spiral stairs. Bearing in mind that these rooms have shaped the studying and teaching of art history, it is appropriate that the show includes themes that reflect upon this. Reproduction contemplates ideas regarding the dissemination of the image as expounded within Walter Benjamin’s 1935 essay ‘The Work of Art in the Age of Mechanical Reproduction’. The room calls into question the relationship between text and image, photography and history, exhibiting Josef Sparrow’s gently massacred comic books alongside an inverted Gainsborough by Uwe Wittwer. The pieces that comprise Distance and Illusion have as their concern the role of the artwork as intercessor between artist/subject and audience, and how it can function and yet resist functioning as such. EXHIBITIONISM also features the most ambitious of recent East Wing projects; an astonishing contemporary restaging of the famed Academy Hang. Works are exhibited floor-to-ceiling throughout the entirety of the Institute’s large back staircase, appropriating the eighteenth-

century French Salon and referencing the space’s history as the former site of the Royal Academy. If you have ever seen the RA’s Summer Exhibition, you’ll already have a sense of the scale of such an undertaking. The Hang creates a dialogue between artists who have ‘made it’ and those close doing so, exhibiting aspiring artists alongside the professionals who inspire them. This section of the show has welcomed entries from both student and unknown artists, with works selected from those submitted for consideration in a manner that truly echoes the admission procedures of old. There will still be opportunities to submit, as the Hang will continue to develop throughout the show’s eighteen-month stint. For your work to be considered please email academyhang@googlemail.com. The year-and-a-half show is a lengthy one, and as such it boasts a comprehensive catalogue of events. In any case, attendees to the exhibition will be leaving with an artwork of their own; Adam Bridgland has created an A2 lithograph piece All Our Riches, copies of which will be given away to visitors. In addition to this, the Institute’s day job as a university comes into play with a lecture series delivered by the Courtauld’s leading academics. Renowned art historians such as Dr Sheila McTighe will elaborate on the historical methods of display adapted for the show, providing a little more detailed context for those keen to know more. An evening wine tasting and tour adds a touch of sophistication, and let us not forget that now London Fashion Week will take place but a stone’s throw away from the exhibition’s door, East Wing Nine will be gearing up to mark the occasion with special openings. The first of East Wing Nine’s expanding series of events can only be seen during the show’s opening month. Grayson Perry’s Vote Alan Measles for God is on loan from Banners of Persuasion until the end of February, so you’ll need to be

quick to catch it. This monumental tapestry complements a Perry piece already in situ, Recipe for Humanity, which forms a part of the show’s permanent collection. The fleeting appearance of its much larger younger brother marks the first pop-up show of many. One thing that East Wing Nine does particularly well (aside from what the collection was founded to do – fill the walls of the Courtauld with art) is reconcile the historical teachings of the Courtauld Institute with the interests of its curators. EXHIBITIONISM: The Art of Display introduces and makes accessible a collection of art contemporary to their generation and in doing so adds to the legacy initiated by Joshua Compston. The show’s location directly opposite the prestigious Courtauld Gallery creates a dialogue between the student and the institution, with East Wing Nine as the Courtauld Gallery’s contemporary counterpart. This relationship exposes that whilst Impressionism is the watchword for the Gallery, EXHIBTIONISM: The Art of Display offers a selection of work in another distinctive style, but refreshingly - not one that we can necessarily label yet. East Wing Nine’s EXHIBITIONISM: The Art of Display at Somerset House, Strand, London WC2R 1LA opens to the public on Saturday 6 and Sunday 7 February and is then open the first weekend of every month. Admission is free, with postcards and a fully illustrated catalogue available. Visit www.eastwingnine.co.uk for open- 83 ing times, special events and more information on the artists participating. Also look out for information on www. whosjack.org for the second pop-up exhibition during London Fashion Week and London Fashion Weekend (19 – 28 February). Words: Donna Marie Howard




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Who's Jack 32  

As usual, it’s been a busy month and it’s not quite clear in fact how it is already a new one. Terrible disasters in Haitia have led to a p...

Who's Jack 32  

As usual, it’s been a busy month and it’s not quite clear in fact how it is already a new one. Terrible disasters in Haitia have led to a p...

Profile for whosjack