The Pioneer Issue 5 Feb. 25, 2010 Page 12
Backpage sends Olympics correspondent The Pio recently spent most of its spring budget to send reporter Jonah Littleton to Vancouver for the 2010 Olympics. Below we have printed his debrief with the editors.
Pio: So Jonah, you just got back a few days early from Vancouver. What was your first impression of the host city this year? JL: Honestly, “The Couve” wasn’t what I expected—very few people spoke French. I couldn’t find the events very well, and given the small number of countries represented at the the Vancouver Symphony Orchestra performance that I stumbled upon, it might not have been the actual opening ceremony. Pio: Jonah, it sounds a bit like you went to the wrong city. Did you see any of the athletic events? JL: Oh, I saw each glorious moment of each world-rocking game from which cinematic gold will surely be alchemized one day! Pio: Alright, great. Could you describe some of the most exciting events you witnessed? JL: Well, there weren’t many that I watched “in person,” per se. After much asking around, I was able to find one baseball game, but the players were much younger than I expected, the crowd was a sparse group of parents, and I didn’t see any major news teams there to film. Pio: So . . . that was the only event you saw? JL: No, no, I caught a thrilling hockey game from my hotel room. I’m going to say the most inspiring moment of this year’s Olympics was the American hockey team’s incredible victory over the Soviets. Coach Herb Brooks really brought these kids together as a family this year, defying the odds to take down this massive superpower that had taken home gold for the past four Olympics. I mean, people are going to be talking about this one for decades! Yes, I do believe in miracles! Pio: I think you are describing the plot of the 2004 film “Miracle.” JL: Great game. Pio: OK Jonah, is there any other sports news you can tell us about from this year’s games? Anything at all that you saw during your two weeks in Vancouver that we paid for? JL: Of course, no one will forget the debut of Jamaica’s bobsled team this year. They may not have won the gold, but they certainly won our hearts. P: That is the movie “Cool Runnings.” Again, that is based on something that happened in the ‘80s. JL: And I saw the Mighty Ducks’ crushing victory over the dreaded Hawks, thanks to Charlie’s expert application of the “triple deke” technique at the very end! Pio: Jonah, you are not making sense. That is a movie about children and Emilio Estevez. JL: Finally, there was the sport everyone had their eyes on this year: double dutch. At the heart of the drama was 17-yearold Izzy Daniels, an American. Initially a boxer, Izzy left the gloves behind to join his neighbor/crush Mary on the Joy Jumpers team, now known as the Hot Chili Steppers . . . P: Jonah. Jonah. You are describing the Disney Channel Original Movie “Jump In!” That’s enough. Thank you for that coverage.
attempting humor since 1922...ish
2014 Whitman Applicants Whitman admission officers are in the process of selecting the class of 2014, which means reading lots of essays that are pretty much the same. They would like you to see some application essays that really stood out from the crowd this year: Name a difficult and/or challenging experience you have faced in your life. Discuss how it has made you the person you are today. Last summer, I was on a ship from England back home to New York with my fiancé when I fell in love with another man. Unfortunately, my time with Jack was cut short when our ship hit an iceberg and sank. There weren’t enough lifeboats to save everyone and Jack died. When I finally reached home, I was distracted from my mourning when a cyborg assassin traveled back in time to kill me. I found out that in the future computercontrolled machines will try to take over the world, and my future son will lead a resistance against them—as a result, I was targeted for termination. I survived, and I know because of my survival my son will lead a great life. After successfully saving the world from machines, he will lose function of his legs and journey to a beautiful world called Pandora, where he will fall in love with a tall, pretty blue lady. My son’s probable future success shows that I have overcome the difficulties I’ve faced . . .
Manatee day brings manatees to campus, skews Whitman species balance
Last week, the Whitman College Manatee Program brought over 150 Manatees to Campus. Along with their assigned volunteer Whitman students—“manators”—the creatures enjoyed a full tour, an insight into the admissions process and a fun interactive carnival at the end of the day. “The Manatee Program is an amazing way to move past our previous difficulties with bringing males and students of color to campus. Sixty percent of the manatees here today are males and all of them are grey, which we have told the Fiske guide repeatedly is definitely a color,” said Admissions Officer Izeah Thomas, who has been involved with the manatee program for four years. While Thomas pushed his manatee down the slip n’ slide that Bon Appétit had installed to help the visitors move their way down the “The Taste of Algae Buffet” he reminisced about his time as a manator. “I remember the first time I met my manatee, he was so nervous to come out of his tank. But after we lifted him out of there with a forklift and dumped him into the bouncy castle with other manatees his age, you could really tell he was warming up to the idea of college life. I really hope he applies next year”. When asked about her experience on campus, one young manatee replied enthusiastically, “BLHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOEEEEEEAAAAAAARRRGGGGHHHHH” Here are a few photos from the big day:
What is your favorite word, and why? My favorite word is “excellence” because it is what I achieve every single day. Maybe I seem like a normal high school student; I wake up, go to school, go to basketball practice, then go volunteer at a retirement home before coming home just in time to help my little brother with his homework. But I also work for NASA on the weekends and scored the winning touchdown in the Superbowl last month. Yes, I’m in the NFL; your surprise and awe are flattering. However, none of these accomplishments compare to the feeling I got when I won the Nobel Peace Prize for finding a cure to cancer. Not that many people know how it feels to be so accomplished and so appreciated. “Excellence” is not just a word people constantly use to describe me, it’s a state of mind . . . Describe a life-changing experience and how you coped with its consequences. . . . Seeing those African orphans through the glass-walled hummer that we rode in while driving throughout Kenya was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. I’ve been to Cabo, Mexico, and one time I ended up in a really dirty alleyway of Kansas City but it was nothing compared to Africa. I’m so lucky to have been chosen to go on my high school-sponsored trip to Kenya. Seeing those orphans through the windows taught me so much about how to live. How to love. How to feel pain. Like really, really feel pain in a way that isn’t lasting but kind of hurts my brain for a second and makes me want to cry or just give away all my clothing. I’ll never forget those little faces, scuffed with dirt and playing with sticks. That’s why I started the school club Tamagachis for Kenyans. I believe that all kids in the world have the right to play with fun toys. And from personal experience, I know that Tamagachis are not only the best toy; they also teach you so much about responsibility . . .
How would you add to the diversity on campus? A good college campus is like a bag of Jelly Bellies. Everyas one is unique and everyone adds to the mixture. I see myself used You’re rest. the from nt differe the popcorn flavor; I’m pretty , to eating all these fruity flavors and then you’re like WOAH e becaus okay popcorn! Not everyone can handle it, but that’s in a college is also like coins. Some have spent their whole lives ing depend and world, the d travele have others jar on a desk while ns on what kind of coin you are, you may have different opinio coin or on Jelly Bellies. And it’s fine if you’re not an experienced are ts studen college e becaus Belly, Jelly ul a particularly flavorf hs strengt nt differe has ne Everyo coffee: of brands nt differe like and everyone has different purposes. But whether you’re a raspberry or a jalapeño Jelly Belly, a or pocket-linty quarter or a worldly penny, Jewett decaf coffee the like lot a is Starbucks bold coffee, you can agree that college movie Avatar . . .
iPhone apps for Whitman The Bon App This app yells, “Look how environmentally conscious we are!” when you enter a dining hall and also alerts you when you take more than one piece of fruit by vibrating and softly whispering, “Hey, could you not do that please?” Tap that App This app for professors allows you to enter a few variables about that student you have a thing for and it will do a costbenefit analysis of you inviting them to your office “sometime this evening,” AS IF NOBODY ALREADY KNOWS YOU´RE A CREEPER. Study AbrApp This app simulates video of your boyfriend or girlfriend back on campus cheating on you, which they totally are. Brien Sheedy App This app displays how high above sea level you are but then quickly points out that BRIEN WAS SO MUCH HIGHER UP THAN YOU!!!! Red Monkey App This app charges you $5 every time you open it, and then it just shows you dimly-lit photos of VIP bros wearing sunglasses while they
silently drink $10 Red Bulls and watch “Fuel TV.” People who list Blues Scholars and Common Market as their favorite rappers app This app will tell you that NOT ALL RAPPERS WERE UNIVERSITY OF WASHINGTON GENDER STUDIES MAJORS AND ONLY RAP ABOUT THINGS THAT THEY READ ON THE HUFFINGTON POST! Hipster App This app will interject into all your text conversations steadfast opinions on the best Werner Herzog DVD commentary, while referencing ChatRoulette conversations you weren’t there for or understand, and then shut down your phone while it has a smoke break. SymposiApp This app is you, the only white kid on campus who just “gets it,” to help you start up tautological rants about how everyone in the room but you is racist. When people tell you that you don’t know what you’re talking about, this app will go through your Facebook account, and display how many minority friends you have because, you know, that’s important and indicative of, like, things, and, like, you all should all just watch “The Wire,” I think you would learn a lot about what I’ve been saying.
For the hard core Mayer fan
After confessing his desire to write porn in a recent interview for “Playboy,” John Mayer was offered the opportunity to write and direct a brand spanking new X-rated flick. The project will likely outsell any of Mayer’s previous work and the Backpage got its hands on the first draft. Room for Schlongs By John Fuckin’ Mayer “Your Body is a Wonderland” plays. Scene opens on badass star back stage, eating a star fruit. Three hot chicks walk in wearing nothing but robes. Chicks so hot that if they were crayons they’d be Cerulean, Atomic Tangerine and Jazzberry Jam. Then, as he bones them, he whips out his acoustic guitar and plays a wicked guitar solo. Cumtinuum By John “Hand me your daughters’ v-cards” Mayer “Daughters” plays. Scene opens on deeply intellectual musician on stage, playing in front of millions of people. Two hot girls come out. Like so hot that you’d sell everything just to drill them: your 11 by 15 inch head shot, your Jacuzzi in the shape of your brooding eyes, even the TV you had personally made in the shape of your dimple chin. So they start blowing the revolutionary guitarist, but then the dude’s dick starts saying racial slurs in David Duke’s voice and everyone laughs and then the guy starts doing a killer stand-up act because he’s fucking awesome and multi-talented like that and everyone laughs SO HARD and he ends the set with a mind-blowing guitar solo! Boobie Studies By John Mayhavethebiggestwangintheknownuniversesowhydon’ tyoubuyitdinn-er “Say” plays. Scene opens on brooding artist on his hotel bed surrounded by sleeping women. As day breaks, the misunderstood genius sneaks to the bathroom where he reads a new issue of “Playboy” and masturbates while silently weeping. Then he kicks everyone out of his hotel room and spends the rest of the day watching family videos and wondering if money and stardom are truly worth losing one’s personal integrity. He asks the blue California sky if fame comes at the cost of true love or happiness. Who is John Mayer, the person? Then there’s A GUITAR SOLO SO AMAZING THAT WITHIN A 10 MILE RADIUS, EVERY CHICK’S NIPPLES GO HARD!!!