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The Pioneer

Humor

attempting humor since 1922...ish

Issue 4 Feb. 18, 2010 Page 12

Things recently drawn on a passed out guy You are such a Samantha!!

Nicktoons: Where are they now? Blue (“Blue’s Clues”):

Ran out of clues to give; started clothing line called Blue’s Shoes. Upset by its mediocre success, Blue created Blue’s Booze, which was much more popular.

Dude, the house is on fire. You should probably bounce... Nevermind dude, the fire dept. put it out. ‘ruit later?

Maurice “Twister” Rodriguez (“Rocket Power”): Moves to Hollywood after “graduating” high school; directs porn before being indicted in an extreme-sports related cocaine bust.

Dog (“CatDog”):

During a tragic factory accident, Cat passes away. Creeped out by his lifeless attached partner, Dog finally has Cat surgically removed. Dog is discovered by a local dog-show enthusiast and is later awarded “Best in Show” for the recently added “legless nightmare dog” breed. Dog rejoices in his fame and fortune and rarely reminisces on his days attached to Cat because Cat was SUCH A BITCH ALL THE TIME TO DOG.

Wanda and Cosmo OddParents (“The Fairly OddParents”):

This is Dave Matthews— we’ve been playing in this empty house for like, three hours, until we were like, “What if this unconscious guy ISN’T the audience at Safeco Field in Seattle?” Come get us if we should keep driving; we’ll be at IHOP.

ALDEN

KWCW show reviews

by Ryan Stangenhoff

The Jail Bait Sexy Hour with Janet X

Score: 3.4 Call me old fashioned, but when I tune into a show promising “Jail Bait,” I expect to see some underage nudity. Not only did I not see boobs, but as if to add insult to fully-clothed injury, disc jockey Janet X did the whole show as an audioonly experience answering questions from in-mates. As the hour continued the riddles only became more enigmatic: Ms. “X” sounded well over eighteen, talked at length about boring issues of “inequality in the justice system,” and did not answer when I phoned in. An e-mail to “Janet X” requesting clarification on these issues remains unanswered and unsent until she gives me her e-mail address. The Classic Rock Cannon With Bryan Thornburne Score: 2.0 While for some “classic” is a tricky “word” to define, Mr. Thornburne makes the menial task seem near impossible. Dear reader, I kid you not that a show about “classic rock” went an entire hour without playing Radiohead, The Shins, Arcade Fire or Gucci Mane. At one point Bryan played a band called The Who? The Who? For a self-proclaimed “veteran disc jockey of 15 years,” I must say Thornburne’s re-

search into classic music is unforgivably sophomoric.

The Pioneer News Hours Score: 0.5 I’d like to introduce this show to a real pioneer: the man who invented the snooze button. That is a man that I would expect a show that purports to discuss recent news about pioneers to at least mention once in their hour of dribble. Instead of educating listeners about pioneers like Ben Franklin or George Washington Carver, the show’s “news” coverage was hilariously limited to Whitman College only and the sound was very derivative of the Whitman College Newspaper. Also, music? The Cat Variety Block With Whiskers Da Cat Score: 9.2 - Best New Show Meow mix, meow mix, this show delivers! The genius of disc jockey Whiskers Da Cat radiates through every minute of this sophisticated program. Listeners can peer into the depths of the feline condition, whilst guided by gentle melodies from CATS, The Aristocats and genuine in-studio purring. You’ll bob(cat) your head to the phat(cat) tunes this show has to offer, and ask yourself why this show lasts only a mere(cat) hour. I can haz more of this show!

New, revealing party games

Everyone knows that fun party games like “five fingers” and “seven minutes in heaven” are a great way to get to know your friends! Sometimes, however, they can make your more inexperienced friends a little uneasy. In the interest of preventing awkward situations at your next girls or guys night out, here are a few suggestions for games to avoid:

Pin the tail on the virgin All the virgins at the party line up against a wall. Everyone stares at them until the party is over. Duck, duck, virgins! With everyone sitting in a circle, one person walks around everybody else, patting everyone on the head. When they come to someone they think is a virgin, they pat them on the head patronizingly and say “Someday, little virgin, someday.” Spin the bottles of the virgins This one pretty much explains itself.

Virgin mafia As a group, select the “narrator” of your mafia story. That person describes their most recent organized crime-related sexual exploit. If you have no organized crime-related sexual exploits or sexual exploits of any kind, you lose. Virgin king’s cup A deck of cards is spread out around a non-alcoholic beverage. Everyone takes turns drawing cards, following the rules corresponding to their cards. Afterwards, everybody goes home and thinks about their lives.

After a messy dispute over whether the rule book should be strictly or loosely interpreted, Wanda and Cozmo separate. Cozmo gets Timmy on the weekends until he develops a drinking problem after a brief friendship with Blue from “Blue’s Clues” leads to discounted booze from the Blue’s Booze store. Wanda “saw that comin’. ”

Skeeter, Doug’s best friend (“Doug”):

Graduating as class valedictorian and demonstrating himself as a major organizer of the city of Bluff ’s Teal Rights Movement, Skeeter goes to Bluff State University. His freshman year, a scandal takes place after Skeeter mistakenly refers to his 89-year-old sociology professor originally from Alabama as a “Honky Honk” when he was actually trying to say hello with his signature “Honk Honk” greeting. A symposium ensues, exploring alternative “hip” sounds and terms that kids these days can use that won’t be misconstrued. Skeeter now says “Blorzher Blorzher” instead of “Honk Honk.” Skeeter was ousted out of his position in the Teal Rights Movement—now called the Aqua-Marine American Movement—which now promotes the annual “Southern Food Cookoff ” instead of recreating symbolic sit-ins, protests and rallies as it once did when Skeeter was leader.

g n i r u t a e f

Illustrations by WOLFF

VIRGINS

Guest Writers

Historical virgins Albert Einstein

If the handlebar moustache and Ronald McDonald ‘do weren’t strong enough indicators, Einstein was just too smart to be having sex. Instead of producing the Theory of Relativity, a sexy Albert would’ve spent that time trying to remember the last time he had sex and wishing he was having sex that moment.

anonymous, anonymous, anonymous and anonymous

Alternative V-Cards

You know about the V-Card, but did you know about these other cards of inexperience? ADN E V E R -H RD E.COLI-CA s this card who carrie The person Bell and co been to Ta has never the same in ith w ox -B Jack-In-the s said perriod nor ha 24-hour pe bathroom e th licked son ever rest stop an tt Manha floor of the off of I-90.

d has The owner of this car scream to d nee the felt er nev t starts along to the song tha n girl, out “Just a small-tow at a livin’ in a lonely world” nt. eve ity fratern

Justin Bieber

This 15-year-old popstar’s number one single “One Time” was originally about the one time he thought about going to Usher’s “sexromp” but then decided to read a Zadie Smith novel and had a much better afternoon.

Tony Danza

Who the fuck would have sex with Tony Danza?

Snuffleupagus

He was chronically depressed, had obvious mommy issues and spent very little time at home. This guy clearly has done the down and dirty and doesn’t belong on this list.

JOURNEY CARD

CARDI CAR

D

The possesso r of this card never seen “G has le ally proclaim e” but continus that Mr. Sc huster is “totally my dream m No one can an. resist a guy in a cardigan. Am I right, Lade ez?!”

D

RACE CAR

r n has neve This persod in a compeparticipatesed around a tition focu first or fastest race to be at an event.


Whitman Pioneer - Spring 2010 Issue 4 humor