I R U 13% T T DA AB NC LE E O AT N T. K A .E. BE
11% C LA S I N D U LG SY BE E IN V E RA A GE
22% SEND A BOOT Y C A LL TE X T
When unsure how to react, look at a point past them and enthusiastically wave to an imaginary friend. Nobody, I repeat, nobody will suspect a thing.
At the fifteen foot mark, use your periphs to gauge if they are looking at you. If so, smile. If not, “receive an urgent text.”
sh*t Whitties don’t say “Man, I really love the broccoli and carrots in Prentiss, I wish they served them more often.”
B 5% S L E E P A
R EI Y T H RT E PA SE A % T 10U T A O
In a school where everyone has at least a general idea of who everyone else is (and any doubts can be assuaged with some artful creeping), it is critical to know how to navigate the dangerous waters of greetings on Ankeny. I know who you are, and I know you know who I am, etc . . . and we’re walking toward each other across Ankeny . . . what do I do?!?! Here is a quick survival guide to help you figure it out.
Ignore at all costs. Possibly whisper veiled threats upon passing.
Comic by Julie Peterson
a ty pic a
of Ankeny greetings
Distance does not matter when you are walking toward someone you know very well. You may scream “HEY” or “OI” and even hold personal conversations while still fifty yards apart.
When approaching someone you have spoken to no more than three times, it is vital that you pretend not to see them until they are about fifteen feet away. Make sure your feet still exist. Only when the fifteen-foot mark is reached can you look up, smile and say something noncommittal (like, “Oh, hey,”) in a surprisedsounding voice.
12 A N %G E T DO D RD RUN ER CH DO IES MIN OE
1. My anaconda don’t want none unless you’ve got buns, hun. 2. Also, hands wouldn’t hurt. 3. It doesn’t matter what color your eyes are, as long as they remind me of fresh dew on a field of clovers. 4. 32, 24, 34 5. I just wanna burn a spliff and eat Thai, man. 6. Our relationship will have to last at least a month. 7. In that time we will make sweet, sweet love. We will also have sex. Lots and lots of sex. 8. I won’t say no to a threesome, but I won’t say yes either. ;) 9. I like a woman with a bit of mystery. So make sure you’ve killed someone, or at least have pulled off a crazy jewel heist. 10. If you haven’t killed anyone, I have the perfect idea for our first date.
If you’re reading this right now, this is to you:
Wh it t
Much to my dismay I am currently single and it’s not because I’ve been idle, trust me. I have been asking out girls for the past several weeks now, but every time they have either said “no” or spat in my face or both. I’m desperate. Hopefully, one of you lovely ladies out there will read this and realize that I’m the man you’ve been waiting for all these years.
“The Bhagavad-Gita is really easy to grasp, too bad we don’t spend an entire semester of Encounters on it.” “I just love the smell of Beta’s basement. Nothing says ‘party’ like the aroma of cum and rotten beer.”
“Mmm, Keystone is the BEST!” “Ay yo. I’m headed to that party in Prentiss tonight.” “I’d much rather go to a WaHigh football game than have an actual football team at Whitman.” “Yeah, of course I did all my reading for Encounters.”
“I think all the pipes in Anderson add a pleasant aesthetic feel to the dorm rooms.”
“My prof only gave me five pages of reading to do by Monday. What am I supposed to do with the rest of my weekend?”
“There’s a larping party at North tonight for the people who aren’t going to the blackout at TKE? Chyeah I’m going.”
“I wish I had more homework on Sunday nights. I hate having too much time with nothing to do.”
“No! I would never have sex with someone on the fourth floor of the library if no one was there and we had locked all the doors!” “There’s too much to do in Walla Walla for me. Sometimes, I wish Whitman were more isolated from the city life, you know?” “George Bridges? Never heard of him.” “Hey, I’m thinking about just writing my essay on Friday night. You down?” “I wish there were more white people here. I hate all this diversity.”