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WHY STUDENTS NEED SHINY SILVER SQUIRREL SLUGS
he instant someone said the word “squirrel” to Hector Clemons, he was six years old again, sitting at his grandmother’s feet and listening to her tales of horror and intrigue: “And when Little Bluefootman walked past the elderberry bush, what should LEAP from the leaves but a bloody-mouthed SQUIRREL. He CHOMPED on Little Bluefootman’s little blue foot and ran off. Little Bluefootman was left to writhe in agony on
the forest floor, waiting for death until he slowly began sprouting fur and square front teeth and a tail! He roamed the forest, unable to rejoin his people, continually forgetting where his nuts were buried.” These Weresquirrel stories deprived Hector days of sleep, and he was never quite able to shake his fear of Little Bluefootman and his evil, furry brethren. So when one night he was obliged to walk from fencing practice at Cordiner to his room
in Lyman at 3 a.m., he was sufficiently freaked out. Every shadow was a Weresquirrel lying in wait. As he walked past the tennis courts, he noticed a flash of movement out of the corner of his eye. He froze. Rotating slowly, he peered into the shadows beneath a sinister-looking tree - was that - was that a WERESQUIRREL?! In a whirl of fur, a squirrel shot out of the darkness and onto Hector’s head, clawing and biting him. Hector struggled val-
Silly Squirrel Facts
iantly, shrieking, “NO! NO! YOU WON’T MAKE ME ONE OF YOU! I WON’T BE THE NEXT LITTLE BLUEFOOTMAN!” Screaming, Hector bolted directly into a tour guide leading a group of prospies in a What Whitman Looks Like at Ungodly Hours of the Morning tour. As they came to a halt, Hector successfully grasped the squirrel around its tiny middle and chucked it a quarter mile. He turned, breathing raggedly, to the group.
ver wondered what could make your favorite songs even better? Making them tributes to squirrels, of course! 1. “Only Girl in the World”- Rihanna “Want you to make me feel like I’m the only squirrel in the world.” 2. “Boys, Boys, Boys”- Lady Gaga “Squirrels, squirrels, squirrels, we like squirrels in bars. Squirrels, squirrels, squirrels, we like squirrels in cars.” 3. “Brown Eyed Girl”- Van Morrison “You, my brown-eyed squirrel.” 4. “Every Girl”-Young Money “On to the next one, more fish in the sea. Squirrels are like buses, miss one, there’s 15 more coming.” 5. “Pearl Necklace”-ZZ Top “She wore a squirrel necklace!” 6. “My Girl”- The Temptations “I got sunshine on a cloudy day. When its cold outside, I’ve got the month of May. Well, I guess you say,
Ever wante d to kno w more abo ut the fur r y-taile d ro dents that plague o ur campu s so adorably? Here the Backpage has set o ut to e d ify the masse s as to w hat’s tr ue abo ut squir rels and w hat’s not tr ue abo ut squir rels. FACT: When born, squirrels are naked, toothless and blind . . . In other words, not much different than most people’s grandpas. MY TH: “Chipmunk” is not a synonym of “squirrel.” HOW TO LOVE YOUR SQUIRREL: Don’t let it play in plastic bags. HOW TO KILL YOUR SQUIRREL: Let it play in plastic bags. FACT: Some college students take advantage of desensitized squirrels by “punting” them away when they approach. Myth: On some college campuses “squirrel punting” is considered an intramural sport. HOW TO LOVE YOUR SQUIRREL: Give it nuts. HOW TO KILL YOUR SQUIRREL: Hit it with a car. FACT: The Great Acorn war of 1843 involved the native squirrels of Central Park with the immigrant squirrels from Jersey. MY TH: Squirrels only eat acorns. HOW TO LOVE YOUR SQUIRREL: Give it a free subscription of “Squirrel Girls” or “Slippery, Squirmy and Squirrely.” FACT: Every male squirrel, whether he will admit it or not, at one time in his life had a crush on Sandy from SpongeBob. MY TH: Squirrels are recluses. HOW TO LOVE YOUR SQUIRREL: Rub the underside of its chin until it squeals. HOW TO KILL YOUR SQUIRREL: Choke it until it squeals. FACT: Squirrels have over 50 different variations of the phrase “Did you tap that?” MY TH: Squirrels’ favorite weed is “Cali Kush.” HOW TO LOVE YOUR SQUIRREL: Coddle their furry tails. HOW TO KILL YOUR SQUIRREL: Tell it to collect the supple acorns at the bottom of your pool. FACT: Squirrels cannot swim.
A young man from Quebec piped up, “Thees doez not happeen een my country.” Hector replied, “I GOTTA GET TO THE HEALTH CENTER!!” and dashed off in a panic. The tour guide took the opportunity to say, “Ah, yes, the Whitman Health Center is open 24/7, to all who are feeling unwell or potentially cursed.” The parents in the group heaved a sigh of relief, and they all moved on to the next site.
what can make me feel this way? My squirrel. Talkin’ ’bout my squirrel.” 7. “Pretty Rave Girl”- I am X-ray “I know this pretty rave squirrel, always thinking bout her, when she says hi to me, butterflies roll right through me. And when I see her dancing, wanna take a chance and lean in a little closer, and maybe get to know her.” 8. “Tattoo Girl”-Travie McCoy “Hey, hello, Ms. Tattoo Squirrel, you are forever stuck to me.” 9. “ The Girl from Ipanema”- Astrud Gilberto, Joao Gilberto, & Stan Getz “Tall and tan and young and lovely, the squirrel from Ipanema goes walking, and when she passes, each one she passes goes, ‘Ahhh.’” 10. “White Girl”- Young Jeezy feat. Bloodraw “I love them white squirrels, Christina Aguilera, do it all night, now do it for the camera. I got 50 of them freaks at a time.”
itismeasquirrel Nutty Da-Squirrel run run run run
Interested in a Pu z z l e S l u t o r P i o t- s h i r t ?
itismeasquirrel Nutty Da-Squirrel scratch scratch itismeasquirrel Nutty Da-Squirrel peed on a passer-by girl today. bullseye. itismeasquirrel Nutty Da-Squirrel jump jump jump itismeasquirrel Nutty Da-Squirrel sleep itismeasquirrel Nutty Da-Squirrel i just spit beer out of my nose itismeasquirrel Nutty Da-Squirrel diggin for my acorn itismeasquirrel Nutty Da-Squirrel pretzel itismeasquirrel Nutty Da Squirrel i carry all my weight in my hips. i blame it on my species. itismeasquirrel Nutty Da-Squirrel i thought those expiration dates on food packages were just suggestions. itismeasquirrel Nutty Da-Squirrel sniff sniff itismeasquirrel Nutty Da-Squirrel hop hop hop hop hop
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Comic by Jung Song
Letter from the Sluttitor-in-Chief
I confess. I have a squirrel fetish. Love, -Adam “Leon Slutsky” Brayton P.S. Find the word “Squirrel” 20 times. If you find any more, show me and you get a free hug.
Super Squirrel Search by the Puzzle Slut E Q L U R R U Q S R E R R L Q S I L S L I U R S S
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ILLUSTRATION BY PETERSON
The Sept. 29 humor section.