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The Pioneer

attempting humor since 1922...ish

Issue 11 Apr. 22, 2010 Page 12

O C E A N C AT S ! Basham

Curiosity: A Cat-astrophe My last words: “What’s that thing in your han—ARE THOSE TREATS?” I thought I’d always be able to chase mice. Then, I tried people food and couldn’t stop.


The latest scare campaign from Felines Against Curiosity and Curiosity Related Tragedies (FACCRT)

No one ever thinks they’ll end up an internet meme. Curiosity will make that happen.

CURIOSITY That Shit is Fucked Up

Parent-child activities Chad and Daryl’s record of father-son bonding activities for the Xanga Neu fraternity: Day 1: Chad and Daryl ate out at Pita Pit and shared a common love for “The Wire” and a secret passion for playing the piano. Day 2: The two played “Guitar Hero” in Daryl’s room after a quick lifting sesh at the gym. Day 3: Broke in the new mitt on Ankeny with a game of father-son catch. Day 4: Chad taught Daryl how to shave. Chad used a Mach 3 turbo;, Daryl used a spoon. Chad assured Daryl that “one day, you’ll be using a real man’s razor like your Pop.” Day 5: A day of fishing at Bennington Lake. The two threw back some Bud Lights and shared stories of adventure and late-night escapades, each ending with Chad’s moral: “Being a man’s about integrity and doing the right thing. Just follow your heart son.” Day 6: After a long day of schoolwork and rugby practice, Chad comes home late to Daryl, who fell asleep on his couch while watching “The Wire,” gripping a picture he drew of the two shotgunning beers, written at the bottom: “I think you are the best dad.” Chad sheds a tear, covers Daryl with a blanket and vows never to let work come in the way of time with his son. Day 7: Chad PDFs his economics class after missing Daryl’s tennis match which Chad promised he’d make it to. Over a game of chess, Chad smiles at Daryl and tells him, “Daryl, men gotta work hard, but sometimes men gotta make hard decisions. I hope I never let you down again.” They shake hands and go to chapter together.

Megan and Denise’s record of mother-daughter bonding activities for the sorority Delta Delta Delta: Day 1: Megan and Denise walk to Sweet Basil Pizzeria to share a pizza and then go to Starbucks for some iced tea. Day 2: Megan and Denise go to Open Mic Night at Reid and whisper whenever a cute boy is performing. Megan unintentionally points out Denise’s boyfriend and says, “I think that guy’s a TKE. I’d do him.” Denise grows uncomfortable. Day 3: Megan invites Denise over to her Prentiss dorm room for a spa day. Megan hands Denise a bowl of cucumbers and a sea-salt exfoliating mixture and asks Denise to give her a facial. When Denise asks if she gets one, Megan says “if we have enough facial stuff left.” No “facial stuff ” remains. Day 4: Megan texts Denise: “I have something to show u. Come ovr with a 4 pk of Mike’s Hard Lemonade @ 9 2nite.” Denise arrives with the Mike’s, Megan proceeds to chug all four bottles of Mike’s, burps, and says, “And that’s how to be a true sorority girl. Let’s go to TKE.” Denise goes back to Anderson at 9:15 p.m. Day 5: While straightening Megan’s hair for the “Space Aged Women and Prometheus Men” function, Denise questions Megan’s lack of shirt. Megan responds, “This is how Tri-Delts do it.” Megan then requests Denise’s boyfriend’s cellphone number “for a project they’re working on together.” Denise does not oblige. Day 6: Denise and Megan study together at the library. While checking her Facebook, Denise sees a picture of Megan licking Denise’s boyfriend’s cheek in the TKE basement with caption “flirrrrt. Just like TRI-DELTS do it!” Day 7: Denise deactivates from the Delta Delta Delta sorority. Megan is expelled from the Delta Delta Delta sorority for smoking marijuana during chapter.

No one thinks a six-hour-long musical featuring fuzzy leotards is humane. Curiosity will change that.

Curiosity Seriously, it’s that awful


g n i r u Feat

Former Greeks

guest writers: Malea Castellanos and Orion Hughes-Knowles

What the basement of your frat says about you Dance floor:

How long has that stain been there? Nobody knows. Your beer-soaked, cramped, slippery dance floor says that you are a fun-loving, energetic party animal. Who has time for dancing anyway with all that bottle breaking and impromptu boxing to get to later? song

Beer Pong table:

The staple of any good fraternity basement, the beer pong table must meet all professional and safety regulations. This will be where everyone at your party will be spending the majority of his of her time, so anything more or less than perfection will not be tolerated.

DJ Boot h:

DJs must be sophomores or juniors with an intricate knowledge of early- to mid2000s rap and techno. Anything more or less will be 100 percent unacceptable.


To get the most respect from your many visitors, your walls should be absolutely filthy. We’re talking dirt, mystery stains and Megan Fox posters. Under a backlight, this thing should look like a five-year-old’s glow-in-the-dark sticker collection. The stench should be so palpable that you can smell the basement from the top floor of the house.


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